I always thought I'd remember every detail of my first kiss. The precise choreography of our mouths, whose hands were where, every lyric of the song that would play in the background. I thought the world would shake. But the sounds of the party fuzzed out into static. Time seemed to speed up, and simultaneously come to a standstill. I tried to pin down some details, for prosperity, but all I could register was how surprisingly soft Sonic's lips were before I had to pull away for air. Only then was I aware that his arms had found their way around my waist, and that my own were still cupping his face.
What are you doing? A voice in my head cried, and I felt my entire body flush as I realised what I'd just done. Sonic's eyes met mine and he fucking grinned. It was too much. It was way too much. I wanted to hide, but I couldn't move when his arms were around my waist …
Okay, I could have. But I didn't really want to.
I buried my head into his shoulder, hiding my flaming cheeks. I heard him stifle a laugh, and I wanted to die. What was I thinking? I'd never kissed anyone before. Had I done it right? What if it was awful? Shit, what if it was so bad that he was trying to think of an excuse to get away from me, to turn me down - ?!
"Can - can I kiss you again?" he asked breathlessly. It tickled my ear. I felt happiness well up inside me, a bubbly, fizzy feeling, like I was an overflowing glass. I nodded into his shoulder, too giddy to remember how to speak. His fingers traced my cheek, tentatively, running through the loose strands of my hair. He brushed his lips against my cheek, moving in a trail until our mouths met again. His lips were gentle at first, hesitant, but I was suddenly filled with impatience. I'd waited so long for this. I wanted more. I wanted him. It suddenly didn't matter that I didn't know what I was doing. There wasn't time to worry about our mouths meeting perfectly, about clashing teeth, and Barbie faces.
Why haven't we been doing this the whole time?
I forgot all of my anxiety and boldy reached out to grip his hair and pull him closer. He let out a little surprised noise that sent me reeling. It seemed to snap him out of some trance - or maybe into him - because suddenly he was crushing his lips against mine, and his tongue was in my mouth. A gasp slipped out of my mouth, and that seemed to encourage him even more. He took a step towards me, and I took a step backwards, until my back was against the wall of Sally's house. My tugged at my bottom lip with his teeth and I let myself run my hands through his hair again, enveloping myself in his scent of citrus and sandalwood and boy. He kept his hands on my waist and I was too dizzy to worry about the waistband of my skirt, or sucking my stomach in. He made like he was going to move away, but I pulled him back in. I was a little too forceful because his body crashed into mine and - oh.
I didn't know that I could have that affect on him.
A memory came scuttling at the back of my mind, filling me instantly with revulsion. Nonono not here, not now. But the affect was instantaneous. My hands fell to my side and I broke away from Sonic. My heart was racing, my skin covered in goosebumps. Hopefully he'd think it was just the cold.
"Are you okay?" he asked. "Was that-?"
"I'm fine," I said. It was only half a lie. I shyly looked up at him from under my eyelashes, my face splitting into a real smile when I saw how he looked bathed in the moonlight. I was still only dimply aware of the music that was playing, of the sounds from inside. The stillness of the cool night air seemed to drown it out - which didn't really make sense, but I was too giddy to think straight. "More than fine, if I'm being honest."
Sonic blushed at that. He blushed. For some reason it seemed more noteworthy than the kissing.
"I don't know about that," he said, laughing in an uncharacteristically self-deprecating way. "I haven't had a lot of practice."
"Any practice is more than I've had," I pointed out, softly. For some reason I didn't feel embarrassed telling him that it had been my first kiss.
"Not by much," he said. He barely reacted to the news, and it made me love him even more.
"What about Sally?" I found myself asking. I could have kicked myself for asking about that right now, but some masochistic part of me wanted to know.
Sonic shrugged. "We didn't really … she never seemed that into it. And me, well ... " he swallowed. "I could only ever really think about you."
If it wasn't so cold out, I was sure I would have melted into a puddle. Instead I hid my blushing face behind my hair, staring down at the ground, and trying to collect my thoughts.
"So …" he began - I could hear the smile in his voice. "Can I take this to mean that … you do like me back?"
I nodded, still not trusting myself to speak.
"Because that would have been a really weird way to let a guy down."
Laughter rose up inside me. I looked back at him, one eyebrow raised while he stood there looking oh-so-pleased with himself.
"You think you're so funny," I huffed.
"Au contraire," he replied, in a truly appalling French accent that made me snort. "I know I'm funny."
"What makes you so sure?"
"Well," he said. "I've got to have something going for me, right? If you like me."
My eyes widened and I had to duck my head again. I could blood rushing all over my body, all the way down to my toes. I opened my mouth to say something, but I was unable to think of anything that sounded even remotely intelligent.
"Amy …" he tilted my chin up so that I was facing him again. Even though he was smiling and holding my gaze with his, I could feel him tremble and realised that he was nervous. Sonic was nervous. Around me. That made the whole thing seem more real. My heart twisted. I had to tell him. He had to know for sure.
"I've liked you for months," I told him. "Like, for almost the entire time I've known you. But you were with Sally, and I thought - I don't know what I thought. I didn't want to ruin our friendship but ... "
"I didn't either," he said. "I thought having you as a friend would be better than nothing. But …"
"It's too late now," I whispered. "I consider this friendship effectively ruined."
He blinked in surprise, but relaxed when he saw the smile on my face. He smirked in a way that made me want to go absolutely feral; if I hadn't given in before now, that would have been enough of a catalyst for me.
"Better burn it to the fucking ground," he said softly, before moving to kiss me again. It was slower than before, softer, but I leaned eagerly into it all the same. I could faintly taste the alcohol he'd been drinking, and wondered idly what I tasted like to him. I felt lightly buzzed, both from the kisses and the strawberry vodka. I felt him smile against me and I automatically opened my eyes so I could see his face. We broke apart and stared at each other for a few seconds, starry-eyed and smiling. In those heartbeats I drank him in - his slightly swollen mouth, his shining eyes, his hard jawline and dishevelled hair. It was like I'd never seen him before, and was never going to see him again. I wanted to burn this image into my brain …
"You're amazing," he said. He smiled as he stroked my cheek again, his thumb sweeping across the pink blush and gold glittery highlighter. "You're just - "
Sonic suddenly broke off, his eyes widening as they fixed on something to his left. I turned around to see what he was looking at and my heart dropped in my chest when I saw who was staring at us.
"So that's why you were looking for Sonic," Tails crowed, his eyebrows raised in amusement. Cosmo, Cream, and Tikal stood next to him, all clasping hands and wearing identical expressions of delight on their faces. Blaze shook her head despairingly. Silver caught my eye and raised his can of cider as though he were about to deliver a toast.
"Well done Amy!"
They all burst out into an exaggerated round of applause, letting out whoops and cheers. I was mortified, and tried to glare at Silver to let him know that I did not appreciate this. But then I heard Sonic laugh beside me, and throw his arm around my shoulder, and suddenly I didn't mind as much.
The party was still going on inside, but people were clearly attracted to the commotion. First Mina's head peered around the sliding glass door. I felt Sonic stiffen when he saw her, but when she simply smiled knowingly and walked away, he relaxed. Tangle and Whisper appeared, closely followed by Sally and Nicole. Whisper was as impassive as ever, but Tangle cried "I knew it!" and let out an exaggerated whoop. Nicole winked at us, and Sally simply nodded, as if she were crossing an item off her to-do list. "I'm glad that's settled then," she said simply, before pulling Nicole back inside to dance. Jet, Wave, Ken, Sticks, and Knuckles all came out next. Knuckles, red-faced from booze, let out a cheer and slapped Sonic on the back.
"Finally," he growled. "He's been impossible to deal with lately."
"What's going on out here?" We all turned to see Rouge, standing in the doorway. She stared at us, her mouth agape as she took in the scene. Everyone crowded around me and Sonic, our dishevelled hair and guilty expressions …
"Why am I the last to know everything?!"
"Amy and Sonic, kissing in a tree - "
"Here we go again …"
"K-I-S-S-I-N - hey!" Rouge broke off into a yelp as Blaze chucked a purple decorative pillow at her head.
"Okay but seriously," Tikal pulled herself up so she was sitting on her knees. Half a vegan pizza and a bottle of Sprite later, and she had sobered up considerably (though not before Cosmo and Cream recorded a video of her drunkenly rambling on about how pretty Marine was and sending it to her). "This is the greatest thing that's ever happened."
"We're really happy for you, Amy!" Cream said, her brown eyes shining.
"I more so meant that Knuckles owes me twenty bucks." Tikal confessed. "But of course I'm super happy for you guys too!"
"I owe Tails thirty," Cosmo sighed. "I expected Sonic to be the one to swoop in and kiss you - "
"But our girl made the first move!" Rouge exclaimed, throwing one arm around my shoulder. She smelled like strawberries and tequila. "Our girl did that! I feel so proud. I might cry."
"I have to know - is Sonic a good kisser?"
"I-I don't know," I said. The memory of the kiss made me warm all over - it had definitely felt really really good. I rushed to clarify; "I mean, I have nothing to compare it to - "
There was a chorus of squeals.
"So that was your first kiss?" Cosmo clasped her hands together, looking like she was about to burst into tears.
"That's so cute!" Cream squealed. I smiled, though I felt a little embarrassed. I couldn't figure out how I was supposed to act right now. I felt all mixed up inside, a cluster-fuck of exhileration hormones, and a healthy dose of anxiety to top it all off.
"You were so brave when you went chasing after him," Cosmo said, a little breathlessly. "It was like something out of a movie - you know, the big climactic scene with the music playing in the background …" she sighed dreamily.
"Maria would have loved it," Blaze sighed. "There's nothing she loves more than a big romantic gesture."
"She is going to freak when she sees her messages tomorrow," Rouge said. She was scrambling through a box of skincare products, pulling out sheet-masks and chucking them at all of us. "Okay ladies, lets have a pamper sesh - yes Tikal, they're compostable, don't worry - and then Amy can tell us the whole story."
So while we passed around body lotion, ate chocolate strawberries and drank the end of the pink prosecco, I gave them an abridged version of the events. I implied that Sally had been the one to tell me about the breakup, and told them that she had told me to make my move
"But if he's liked you all this time, why did he go out with Sally at all?" Blaze frowned. "It doesn't make sense."
"I think it does …" I said. I had to be careful - I didn't want to mention Elias, make things more complicated. "Sonic felt guilty for breaking things off with Mina. He and Sally were pretty good friends, so when they were at her house after the dance, still a little buzzed, and she made a move … I don't think he really knew how to say no." And he was trying to get over me. "People don't always learn from their mistakes."
"So what you're saying is," Rouge said slowly, unscrewing a bottle of pale pink nail varnish. "This all could have been avoided if you'd just done what I said and made your move at the Sadie Hawkins dance, instead of pining after each other and making things needlessly complicated?"
Blaze threw another pillow at her head.
"Rouge, are you really one to talk?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. The girls broke out into a chorus of 'ooohs' as Rouge blushed. We all remembered the way she'd been with Knuckles not-so-long ago …
"Yeah yeah well, the point still stands - " Rouge continued, but she was interrupted by another pillow attack from Blaze. Rouge tossed the pink satin pillow back at her in retaliation, but Blaze was ready for it. She ducked out of the way, her tail twitching in amusement.
"Let's get back to the matter at hand," Rouge said quickly, as Cream and Tikal giggled. "Amy, you have to tell us everything."
"I have! After that you guys found us and, well, that's it." I shrugged my shoulders, trying to appear nonchalant - though what I really wanted to do was delve under the covers and scream. I felt a pang in my chest, thinking about my empty bed back home. Usually I loved being with the girls, and part of me wanted to jump right in, indulge in the girly gossip, the slumber-party dissection.
But I had so much on my mind, so much to think about. He likes me, he likes me, he likes me. My head was throbbing. Sonic and I hadn't gotten to speak after we were interrupted by the rest of the gang. The spell was broken, and I think that we both felt a little awkward. We stood next to each other, but didn't make eye contact. I'd cast sly sideways glances at him when he wasn't looking, my heart swelling when I thought about what it had been like to kiss him. I thought I felt his eyes on me too, wondering the same thing.
The air seemed to crackle between us, even when we all walked out in a group, even though we were still pretending not to look at one another. Rouge ordered taxis for everyone, but because the girls were going one way and the boys the other Sonic and I ended up in different vehicles. As everyone tipsily said their goodbyes, I tried to muster up my courage to say something - anything. I turned to look at him, just as his hand shot out to meet mine. Our eyes met for an instant before I had to look away, my face and neck burning. His grip was loose - just our fingers, slightly interlocked - and I knew that he was giving me a chance to pull away. But I didn't. I squeezed his fingers gently, biting back my grin, resisting the temptation to spin around and scream.
The stars had never looked so bright.
Thinking about it made my stomach lurch, like I was at the top of a roller coaster. I suddenly felt nauseous. The kissing was nice , but what happened now? Were we dating? Were we boyfriend-and-girlfriend?
Brave glanced over at me, frowning when she noticed my expression. "Are you alright, Amy? You seem a little …"
"She misses her boyfriend," Rouge said, raising an eyebrow significantly.
I felt my face flame up underneath all the gunk that was on it. "He's not my - at least, I don't know -"
"Amy, I will throw this pillow at you if you don't stop this!" Rouge emphasised the threat by brandishing it like a weapon. "This clearly isn't some kind of casual thing for him. Not only is that totally out of character for Sonic, but he's also completely head-over-heels for you."
"So I've been told," I mumbled, thinking back at the events of the night. Silver, Sally, even Sonic himself had confirmed it. So why couldn't I fully believe that it was happening?
I felt my phone buzz in my pocket.
Sonic Sega: I hope you had a good time tonight. Talk tomorrow? x
I ducked my head down, my hair falling into my face. X. My heart was racing … but it wasn't a flutter of excitement. It was something more sinister, more familiar ….
"What did he sa-a-a-ay?"
"It was my mom," I said, quickly slipping my phone back into my pocket. "I'm just going to the bathroom to wash this mask off."
I heard them giggle as I left - they clearly didn't believe me. I tried to steady my breathing as I walked to the bathroom. I washed my face and examined my reflection. I didn't look any different. I couldn't tell if I felt any different or not.
I stuck my tongue out at my reflection. Still me. I stretched my lips out into a smile. You should be happy. It didn't meet my eyes. They looked cold and dark - but maybe that was the effect of the fluorescent lights.
"He likes me," I said, still staring at my face in the mirror. "He likes me. He's liked me all along."
But he doesn't know you.
"He knows me better than anyone."
Better than you know yourself?
I splashed cold water onto my face and stormed back to Rouge's bedroom. Music was playing from behind the door. I found them all sprawled out on Rouge's giant bed, lolling around on top of each other. Tikal's head was resting on Rouge's shoulder. Blaze was curled up near the edge, looking down at her phone. Cream was slowly nodding off next to Cheese, a smear of face-cream still visible on her forehead.
"All good?" Blaze asked me, raising her eyes as I hovered in the doorway.
"Just tired," I said. I let out a yawn, hoping that it would make it sound more convincing. "It's been … an eventful night."
Everyone giggled knowingly. I laughed off their teasing, though my heart was thumping underneath my cami pyjama top. Eventually everyone went off to brush their teeth and we assembled ourselves under blankets and sleeping bags. Tikal and Blaze huddled under Rouge's duvet cover, as Rouge snapped a satin sleep-mask over her eyes.
"We've got the chocolate croissants Vanilla brought over in the freezer for tomorrow," Rouge yawned. "I'm going to be dreaming about them all night long …"
The conversation died away and was replaced with sleeping sounds - gentle snores and deep breathing. I was in a sleeping bag by the window. I could see the moon shining through the gauze curtains, but no stars.
I tried to sleep, but I didn't feel tired at all. Something was stirring inside me … I wondered if it was excitement or exhilaration. It took me a few minutes to recognise what it really was - fear.
I shut my eyes and tried to forget the feeling. I lay there for hours, trying desperately to shut it out, but everytime I closed my eyes I saw Sonic. I remembered our kiss, and how happy it made me feel.
I felt cold all over. He'd looked me right in the eyes and spoke from his heart. He spoke with such authority, as if he really knew me, as if he was absolutely certain about what he was saying …
I really had tricked him.
I swallowed, and tried to distract myself. Stop this stop this stop this. I tried to remember the way his hands felt as they ran over my body … goosebumps erupted over my skin, but it wasn't from the thrill of the memory. A wave of nausea ran through my body as I thought about other colder hands, rough and wide, scuttling along my body, finding excuses to touch my shoulder, to run down my back -
Nonononono-
I wanted to scream. But I couldn't - not here, not with everyone around. I bit down on my tongue and willed myself to hold on, to stay silent, to turn back to stone, to just calm down. Blood filled my mouth. My chest burned with the effort it was taking not to cry.
I couldn't be here. I couldn't be here anymore. I couldn't let them see, I couldn't let anyone know what was happening to me. I couldn't lie here in silence, I couldn't stay in this body -
I got out of the sleeping bag as quietly as I could, though my heart was racing and my breaths were becoming shallower and shallower. My hands trembled as I felt around for something to wear; I pulled my jeans out of my overnight bag and struggled into them, my fingers fumbling with the buttons. I found a discarded hoodie on the floor and pulled it on. Cosmo turned over, mumbling something, and I froze in case she had heard me. But she pulled her blanket up around her head and turned away from me.
I found my shoes. I grabbed my phone. The house was eerily quiet - the only sound was the hum of the refrigerator. I slipped outside and the cool night air hit my face.
I looked up at the sky. The stars were hidden by clouds.
I can't I can't I can't I can't
I didn't know what else to do.
So I ran.
My feet pounded on the ground, blocking out the sound of the voice in my head that was screaming you've tricked him, you've tricked them all, and how do you think you're going to get away with this much longer?
I wanted to scream. But I just kept running - down the path, out the gates, along the side of the empty small-town road. I didn't care where I was going. I just had to get away from here, from the expectations, from the rush of memories that came like a flood …
I'd blocked out everything for as long as I could.
Maybe that wasn't the right word - the memories still came, seizing me at unexpected moments. I didn't always know what set it off; the sight of a man wearing a wrinkled denim jacket, or someone with a similar haircut. The whiff of a certain kind of cologne. The sound of brown lace-up boots on the ground. The rough texture of peeling paint on wrought iron, like the gate at the playground he brought me too. The taste of chocolate ice-cream, like the kind he'd bought me to placate me afterwards. All of my senses played a part in the betrayal. It would only take a second for my body to freeze, for time to slow down around me, and my breathing to grow shallow.
The panic attacks started when mom got out of hospital, when the two of us and Abigail went back to living in the city. Things were okay, at first. Mom was going to counselling. Aunt June helped out when she could. I was wary of the baby at first, but Abigail won me over almost immediately - she'd reach out her chubby hands to me, grabbing like starfish, and squeak until I picked her up. I liked being a big sister. It made me feel like I was in control of something.
We were at the park one day. It was a big deal, because it was Abigail's first time there. I'd spent the morning preparing her, tying her scraps of hair into stubby little plaits, buttoning up her bright yellow coat. But the closer we all got to the playpark, the louder the sounds of screaming playing children became, the more nervous I got. I didn't know what was happening. I thought I was going to die. Mom made me hot sweet tea and gave me cuddles on my mattress, stroking my head and whispering soothingly into my ear. It wasn't a one-off. The panic attacks kept happening, especially at school.
I'd been happy before, I think. The way little kids are - peppy is how mom described it. But when the abuse started, I began to pull away from my friends. I couldn't give anything away at home, couldn't let my guard down because of the threats he'd whispered into my ear, but school was different. If a teacher yelled at me, if I did something wrong in my workbook, if people didn't want to play the game I wanted to … I'd burst into tears over the smallest thing. People were annoyed - stop being a crybaby, stop trying to make us feel sorry for you. After his death, after my mom's hospitalisation, they started being nicer to me even though I only got worse. He was gone. It was over. But I still couldn't tell anyone. My mom was too fragile. Abigail needed me. I had more and more panic attacks, and everyone left me alone. I retreated further into myself, shut myself away, doodling dresses and baby chaos in the margins of spelling tests, and looking longingly at the groups of friends I saw, laughing together, having fun.
My mom knew that something was up. She tried to be there for me, but she didn't understand what was wrong and I wouldn't tell her. She seemed to assume that I was upset about his death, that it might have brought up weird unresolved issues about my father. My grandmother had tried to call him while mom was in hospital, but he said that seeing him would probably only confuse and upset me even more. Even I could tell it was a lame excuse. A few days later a gift card arrived for me in the post, as if that were supposed to mean anything.
Mom tried to get me to go to counselling, but I refused to cooperate. I didn't want to tell this strange smiling lady in a purple smock anything. I didn't want anyone to know what had happened. I didn't want anyone to know what I'd done.
I kept running, even though tears were running down my face, making it difficult for me to see. I ran for what felt like hours, but it couldn't have been because the sky was still violet. I pulled the hood up over my head in case anybody saw me, but no cars passed me. It was still to early. I could see the sun peering out over the horizon, staining the sky pink with its rays.
I ran faster. I didn't know where I was going. Memories flashed in my mind of the hours I'd lain in my bed. He didn't live with us, but I still didn't feel safe in the apartment. I scarcely dared to breathe in case he somehow heard me from across the city, found his way into my room, creeping silently like a shadow, the monster under the bed.
I wish he was dead. I wish he was dead. I wish he was dead.
I repeated it in my head like a prayer, a mantra, a lullaby. When I scribbled with a black pen in my notebook, when I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, when he put his hands on me -
I wish he was dead. I wish he was dead. I wish he was dead.
My vision blurred. I remembered watching mom cry on the couch, clinging tightly to me, and trying to look sad even though a wave of relief was washing over me. I remembered refusing to go to the funeral, the look of pain that flashed across her face when she walked out the door, alone.
She didn't know. She should have. I hadn't told her anything. I shouldn't of had to.
I remembered how she looked in the hospital.
It was my fault.
Everything terrible that had happened to her was all my fault. If it weren't for me she'd have gone to college. She'd be doing something she loved. She'd have met a nice man and settled down with him in a big house somewhere, and she wouldn't have to get up in the middle of the night to clean houses and hotels, or sleep in ratty underwear. She'd be better off without me - my father's new life was proof enough of that.
"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me," she used to say when I was small, stroking her hand across my cheek. The memory made me want to scream; Then why did you try to leave me behind? Why wasn't I enough for you?
She'd left a note. Nobody had ever let me read it. She'd gone out grocery shopping the day before, buying packets of noodles and microwave mac-n-cheese, frozen pizza and vegetables, tins of soup and beans, tubes of toothpaste, and bottles of shampoo. Her mobile phone, unlocked, with Aunt June's number inside. Everything I'd need.
If you tell your mother, I'll kill her.
I looked down at her body on the hospital bed and bit back tears. I'd nearly killed her anyway. I'd made this happen.
I wish he was dead, I wish he was dead, I wish he was dead.
I was in Knothole. I ran the rest of the way to the park. It was technically closed to the public at this time, but it was a simple matter of pulling the lock. My hands shook. My chest was burning with the effort of running. My throat ached with the bitter sting of unshed tears. The gate swung open, groaning. The sound echoed, breaking the silence of the misty morning.
I came to a halt by the bench, my chest tight. I let out a sob collapsed onto the ground beside it. I was crying to hard that I was sure I was going to throw up. I retched into the wet grass, clinging to it with my fingers. It didn't feel real. Nothing did, except for the chorus of voices in my head screaming it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault.
"It's my fault!" I sobbed.
If it weren't for me, Abigail would have a father. The worst thing was, I couldn't even feel truly sorry about it. I was glad he was dead, and I hated myself for it because of how sad it made my mother. Abigail didn't miss him, and she'd grown out of asking questions about her father …
But sometimes when I looked at her, the shape of her head, the colour of her eyes, the expression on her face when she was confused about something … I saw him. It repulsed me, but I was even more repulsed by myself. What did it say about me that I could feel that way about my own sister?
You don't deserve to be happy.
I curled up on the ground, fetal position. For a moment I wondered if this was how my mother had felt that night, when she walked out of our apartment with a pocketful of pills. She'd left her key and her phone behind; she didn't think she'd need them again.
Nobody disturbed me. If anyone passed me, they probably assumed I was homeless. I was left completely alone with just the voices in my head, huddled beside the bench. The sky got brighter. Time must have passed. But I barely noticed it.
You're worthless.
You're worthless.
You're worthless.
"Amy! Amy!"
They were getting louder.
"I don't see her - "
"She has to be here! We've looked everywhere else!"
"Has Knuckles called you? Maybe the boys - "
But these voices were different. They were real.
"Is that her?"
"There she is!"
"Amy? Amy?"
I opened my eyes. I felt them, more than saw them. I heard them running towards me, watched their shadows grow larger as they came closer. And suddenly there was Cream, throwing herself around me with a surprising amount of force. Tikal and Cosmo were close behind her. All three of them were crying, their faces screwed up in relief.
"Amy!"
"Are you okay?"
"What happened?"
I shut my eyes, trying to hold myself together. Something stirred inside me, like a flutter of wings - they were here. They came after me. I didn't know if I wanted to laugh with relief or cry, because they truly did not deserve this.
"I-"
"What the fuck were you doing?" Rouge's voice was thick, shaking with barely contained anger. I opened my eyes. I almost didn't recognise her. She was wearing sweatpants and a trainers over fluffy pink socks. I realised then that all of them were dressed like that. Cosmo's feet were bare, pale and raw against the ground. The hem of Cream's dressing gown was stained with dirt. Blaze was wearing a PINK branded hoodie that was completely unlike anything she'd ever wear normally over her pyjamas. They came as soon as they saw I was gone. They didn't even think of getting dressed.
"Well?" Rouge tossed her head, blinking hard. Her face looked naked without makeup. "Care to explain? Huh?"
"Rouge, " Blaze began, reaching out tentatively to touch her shoulder - but Rouge jerked away, eyes blazing. I realised with a jolt, that she was on the verge of tears.
I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to explain what had come over me. It made sense in the dark, when I was all alone with my thoughts. But now, confronted with the sight of my friends standing in the middle of a park in their pyjamas and oversized hoodies, in the pale light of the morning … it seemed impossible to explain. It almost felt like it had happened to someone else. I almost could have laughed, if not for the expressions on their faces.
"I-I'm sorry," I said."I just - I didn't think you'd all be so worried about me."
"You didn't think we'd worry?" Rouge's voice rose to a cry as disbelief flooded over her face. "When we saw that you were gone without a warning? That you'd left your bag behind? We were going to call the police!"
"I'm sorry," I repeated, my vision clouding over as tears filled my eyes. Shame washed over me as I realised I hadn't even thought about how they'd all feel when they saw I was gone. I hadn't been able to think that far ahead. I guess some halfway rational part of my brain had assumed they'd think I'd gone home but - my mother.
"Did you call my mom?" I asked fearfully. She can't know. She can't ever know. I don't want her to worry. The words came reflexively; she had always been my biggest concern.
Blaze hesitated. Out of all of the girls she looked the calmest, but when she spoke I could hear the tremor in her voice that betrayed her true feelings. "No. But we were going to, if we didn't find you within an hour."
"I phoned Knuckles," Tikal added. She'd stopped crying, but her face was grey. "All of the boys are looking too, back in Station Square."
Something stirred in my chest. "All of them?"
Tikal nodded. A weight dropped in my stomach. I had to tighten my grip on Cream as my knees gave out beneath me.
"Amy? Amy?"
"What's wrong?"
I shook my head as my face screwed up and I burst into tears. I let out loud choking sobs, wailing like I was a child who'd fallen over in the schoolyard. The girls stood and stared at me, their eyes wide with fear as I sank to the ground. I buried my face in my knees and suddenly I was that child again, and I was finally letting her cry. I was finally letting her out.
"I'm sorry," I gasped, again. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I never wanted you to see me like this, and now I - I can't stop - "
"You-" Rouge began, but Blaze reached out to touch her shoulder again. She shook her head slightly and turned her yellow eyes to me.
"It's alright," she said softly. "You can cry. We're here when you need us."
"I'll call Knuckles," Tikal said. She was looking at me with an uncharacteristically fearful expression on her face. "Let him know that we've found her."
I took a few shaky breaths and tried to pull myself together. I wanted to throw up, both from the strength of my tears and from the embarrassment that was spreading over me.
"Get her to sit on the bench," Cosmo said. Cream helped me up from the ground and gently led me to the bench. It was damp, but I didn't care - not right now.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked. "Did something happen?"
I shook my head. "I'm fine."
"Amy …"
"I'm fine," I said again - like repeating it would somehow make it true. "Please just believe me, okay? I said I was sorry. I just want to forget this ever happened."
"Well we can't forget," Blaze told me. "You're obviously not okay, Amy. And you can correct me if I'm wrong but … I don't think you've been okay for quite some time."
I flinched, though her tone was kind; that almost made it worse.
"Am I right?" she asked, still sounding gentle. It reminded me of all of the teachers I'd had in school, who pulled me aside in the schoolyard to ask me what was wrong, the ones who crouched beside me when I was crying at my desk and gently told me that I had to stop, because I was making a spectacle of myself
I bit my lip.
"Amy?"
"If I just ignore it," I said slowly. "It will go away. We don't have to talk about it. I don't want to."
"How come?"
"Because," I said, through gritted teeth. "I don't want you to think I'm broken."
"But we -"
"I want to be normal. I want to be your friend, I don't want screw it up by-by going on about all of my stupid drama that nobody cares about," I blinked back the fresh wave of tears and balled up my fists, frustrated that I had to explain all of this. "I want you guys to like me."
I swallowed and looked down at my feet. I knew they were all probably looking at me with pity in their eyes, as they realised what a sad pathetic person I was, that I was broken beyond repair, that I'd been tricking them all along, pretending to be something I wasn't and Sonic - my heart twisted - he was going to find out, he was going to learn it too and then he was going to hate me, or even worse feel sorry for me, feel obligated to put up with you -
"I used to have panic-attacks."
The words shocked me so much that I tore my eyes away from the ground. Cosmo was looking right at me, her eyes bright. She wiped the tears from her cheeks and tried to smile. "I think I mentioned my anxiety issues before. I'd have panic attacks over the smallest things - failing a test, getting told off by a teacher. If I was late for school I completely refused to go in, just so I wouldn't have to walk in all by myself in front of the entire class. I'd just … spiral. I started taking meds, did some therapy, and it's easier to manage now but it's still there. It's still something that affects me. It's still something I'm dealing with." she raised her chin and held my gaze. "Do you want to stop being my friend now?"
"Of course not," I said, shaking my head. "But that's-"
"I was bullied in middle-school," Blaze said. "Pretty badly. It's probably part of why it took me so long to believe that Silver had feelings for me." She shrugged. I saw a flash of hurt in her eyes as she thought about those days. I swallowed.
"I was bullied too," Tikal confessed. "Especially after Knuckles finished middle school. When he wasn't around to protect me, I became more of a target. It really affected my confidence. I was really scared when things started becoming serious with Marine. She only really knew me behind a laptop screen. I didn't know if she'd want to be with me if she knew the real me."
"Tikal-" I began, my heart breaking when I thought about how we'd all teased her about her relationship. I'd heard she'd been bullied in the past, but I didn't realise she was still carrying all of that with her. She seemed so confident.
Cheese let out a chirp. Cream smiled sadly and stroked his head. "Cheese has changed my life," she said, half to herself. "I used to feel embarrassed about needing an emotional support animal, but he's helped me become so much more confident after … everything." Our eyes met in mutual understanding. I gave a slight nod and she continued speaking; "After everything that happened with my father."
There was a moment's silence as her confession hung in the air. I didn't know if it had ever been really acknowledged before. But suddenly, as if on cue, the girls moved around to hug her.
Rouge took a deep breath. "I was assaulted at a party in freshman year. It kind of messed me up for a while. I started second-guessing myself, wondering if I'd done something to deserve it. The way I dress, the way I act - "
"It wasn't - " Tikal began, but Rouge waved her off.
"I know, I know. I realised that was bullshit eventually. I'm not going to apologise for how I want to dress, or for my past. I just felt so humiliated afterwards. It's a cliché, but I never thought that something like that could happen to me."
"You never told us," Blaze said, shaking her head. "I'm so sorry that happened to you, Rouge."
"I was embarrassed," Rouge sighed. "It's also … hard to be vulnerable. I get it, Amy. But I won't apologise for losing my temper. I was scared shitless when Blaze woke us all up. It's a good thing she needed a glass of water when she did … we might still be in bed right now."
I felt a twinge of guilt. "You didn't have to come."
"Of course we did!" Blaze cried. Her eyes were wide as she stared at me, confusion clouding her features. "Amy, you're our friend."
"We nearly lost Maria," Rouge said. "We're not losing you too."
Maria. My stomach dropped. "Did you tell her?"
"I didn't think it would be a good idea," Blaze said. "Not while she's meant to be in recovery. It probably wouldn't have been very good for her to wake up hearing that her best friend was missing."
"She should hear it from you," Cosmo told me. "She'd want to know."
I bit my lip. "I just feel … everyone's gone through enough already, without me dumping all of my baggage on them. I don't want to be a burden."
"You won't be."
I swallowed. I felt like everything was on the brink of spilling out of me, but when I opened my mouth I couldn't get the words out. The voice in my head was still too loud you are worthless and once they find out who and what you really are they will never want anything to do with you ever again, you are broken and worthless and don't deserve to be happy, you will never really be loved-
"Amy?" Blaze said, in a surprisingly gentle voice.
"I don't want you guys to hate me," I whispered. I felt my eyes mist over with tears. As soon as the words left my mouth, I realised how stupid they sounded - but I couldn't take them back. It was the truth.
"Hate you?" Cream echoed.
I nodded miserably.
"We could never hate you," Blaze said. "Never. You're our friend. I can't think of anything you could say that would change that."
My uncertainty must have been clear from my expression.
"You'd better start believing it," Rouge said, with something like her old spark. "Because we're pretty fond of you. We like having you around.
"You don't have to tell us anything," Cream added. "Not until you're ready."
"But you need to know that you can tell us. That we want to know."
"And we're always going to be there for you."
I closed my eyes, feeling the tears run down my face. Their warmth surprised me - I hadn't realised how cold I was, but suddenly I felt it all over me - my fingers were numb, my jeans slightly damp. I shivered and Cream instinctively reached out to pull me into a tight hug.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm sorry for being like this."
"It's okay," she soothed.
"No it's not," I said, shaking my head furiously. "I didn't - I never wanted you guys to see me like this. You guys just mean the world to me." I bit my lip. "I didn't have friends in my old school. I never thought that this would happen. I never thought I'd be able to tell anyone what happened so I just … I just pushed it down. But I … I don't think I can keep it in anymore. I think I need to tell … someone." I bit my lip. "I want to."
None of them said anything. Not even Cheese made a noise. I couldn't bring myself to look at them, focusing at the ground instead, trying to distance myself from everything. That was the only way I would be able to get through it - if I detached myself from it, as if it were something that had happened to someone else. A scene from a movie.
"Abigail's dad … he - " the words stuck in my throat. I wanted to swallow them down, deep deep down back inside me. I tried other ones; "When I was a kid, he - he - "
Tears filled my eyes once more, as I struggled to say what I'd kept a secret for so long. But they'd been stuck inside me for such a long time that I couldn't get used to how they'd feel in my mouth. It was like trying to read a piece of text in a language that you didn't speak. My face burned from the effort, but it was no use.
"He - he - he-"
My voice became higher as I struggled to hold back my tears. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder - Cream, staring at me, her brown eyes brimming with tears. She knew. At least, she had an idea. I heard a sharp intake of breath as understanding dawned around the rest of my circle of friends. I looked around at them, seeing no judgement on any of their faces - shock and sadness yes, but no judgement.
I realised that it was never going to come.
Maybe it's because they were all girls. Because most of them had experiences that were something like what had happened to me. But most of all, it was because they were my friends. Which meant that they didn't need all of the details, the long drawn out explanation that I knew I'd stumble over. Without saying a word they managed to move as one, reaching out and holding me as tightly as they could. I closed my eyes and felt two tears run down my cheeks as let out a deep breath that I'd been holding in for a long long time. When we broke apart I saw tears in everyone's eyes. Rouge started openly sobbing, which somehow broke the tension.
"I must be hungrier than I thought," she said, blowing her nose into Blaze's shoulder. Blaze gingerly patted her on the head. She looked like she didn't know if she should feel amused or disgusted.
"That must be it," I said weakly. The urge to apologise rose up inside me, like I was going to get sick. I knew I shouldn't, but it came out again. "I'm really sorry. Really really sorry. I don't want to mess anything up -"
"You haven't messed anything up, Amy." Rouge said firmly, wiping away the last of her tears. "I'd be the first to tell you if you had."
I laughed, in spite of myself.
"That was meant to sound more sympathetic than it did," Rouge said. "But I'm hungry and sleep-deprived. Those chocolate croissants are calling me."
Cream squeezed my shoulder. "Do you want to go home, Amy?" she whispered. "I can call my mom if you'd rather go straight there-?"
"You don't need to bother Vanilla," Tikal said. She was looking over at the park gate. "There's a ride here, if you want one."
We turned around and my heart dropped in my chest when I saw Knuckles jogging over to us, followed by Tails, Silver, Shadow, and -
As soon as he saw me his eyes widened. He overtook Knuckles easily, heading straight for us - for me, I realised. I thought about my haphazard outfit, my wind-swept hair, the fact that I hadn't showered, hadn't brushed my teeth, hadn't even put on some deodorant or body spray before running here. Even as I thought these things, I knew how stupid I was being. This should have been the last thing on my mind … but maybe I was just fixating on it to ignore my real anxieties.
"Are you okay?" Knuckles called as he approached us, and I was surprised when I heard the real concern in his voice. I didn't have time to answer, because suddenly I was in Sonic's arms.
"I was so worried about you," he said. Though his voice was muffled by my hoodie, I could hear that he was on the verge of tears. That should have been the moment that everything else melted away and I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him closer. All of our broken pieces would fall perfectly into place together. Everything would be okay.
But real life wasn't like that. In reality I stood there, unable to respond, my hands hanging limply and uselessly at my sides. Distantly, I was aware that every cell in my body wanted to reach back out to him … but distantly. I felt like my body belonged to someone else, that I was some weird alien creature that had temporarily taken control of it, without really knowing how it worked.
"Maybe you should give her some space," Blaze suggested, gently but firmly. Her eyes flickered darkly behind her glasses. I felt guilty when Sonic pulled back, looking confused but concerned. His eyes were bleary, sleep dusting his eyelashes. His t-shirt had a toothpaste stain on it, and his trousers were on backwards, like he'd dressed in a hurry. He probably had. I felt something stir in my chest and for a split second I felt like myself as I looked at him, his green eyes scanning our faces for some kind of explanation.
"What happened?" I knew him well enough to know that he was trying to appear in control, to swoop in and be the hero, but his voice quivered and my heart ached at how vulnerable he looked, standing there in front of everyone. Before anyone could answer him, the rest of the boys surrounded us. None of them touched me - maybe they'd heard Blaze's warning, or maybe they just felt awkward about the prospect. They hung back, wide-eyed. I was surprised by the look on their faces - stuck between relief and worry. They care about me too. Even if they don't really know how to show it.
"Are you alright?" Knuckles asked gruffly, the words coming out like bullets as he tried to hide the tremor in his voice. Silver smiled weakly, but his face was pale. Tails was trembling, his tails quivering with worry. Shadow was as silent as ever, but I saw him blink hard and realised there were tears in his eyes. My chest ached looking at them all.
"I'm fine," I said, sounding stronger than I felt. "I um, I think I should go home. Once I get my stuff from Rouge's."
"We can go right now," Rouge said. "Open invitation for breakfast at my house, guys."
The boys were still looking wary, but they brightened up at the prospect of free food. Knuckles nodded at me as he followed Rouge at the front of the group. Silver squeezed my shoulder gently as he passed. Shadow paused beside me, and hesitated for a moment before speaking in a hushed whisper. "Maria would want to know."
"I know," I said. My stomach twisted with guilt when I thought about Maria, oblivious in the clinic.
"She really really loves you." he said seriously. "You're her best friend. I really appreciate how much you've been there for her. For me too. So if you ever need anything …"
He cleared his throat and looked away from me. It was probably the longest speech he'd ever made to me, and he seemed … self-conscious? I couldn't reconcile his flushed cheeks with the rest of his strong-and-silent exterior. Before I had the chance to think of a reply, he walked away.
I was suddenly aware of Sonic, hanging back behind me, and trying to catch my eye.
My heart was pounding. Part of me - a large part - wanted to fall right into his arms, to close my eyes and pretend that nothing had happened. But he deserved an explanation … and I wasn't sure that I could give him one.
He opened his mouth to say something, but I turned and walked away before he had a chance, falling into step beside Cream and Blaze … and fighting the urge to turn back around.
Mom was surprised to see me home so early. I told her that I was tired - which wasn't a lie. My physical exhaustion had finally caught up with me. My bones ached, and I wanted nothing more than to lie down in my bed and sleep for a month. Homework didn't bear thinking about right now.
I thought I'd have trouble sleeping, after the emotional rollercoaster I'd been on for the last twelve hours. But I was spent emotionally as well. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out. I slept late into the day and woke up to the sun streaming in through the window. I left my phone to charge and had a shower, standing under the lukewarm water with my eyes closed. When I get out I will be a different person. Everything will be washed away, and I will be able to start again.
That didn't happen. I was still myself. I flinched at my reflection in the foggy mirror, wrapping up quickly so I could avoid looking at my body, picturing people doing things to it. But it was good to be clean, to be free of dirt and sweat and have my hair smell like strawberries. I dried my hair, grabbed an apple from the kitchen, and went back to my room to check my messages.
I blinked at the screen, at the flood of messages that had come in from my friends. Blaze, Rouge, Cream, Maria (who I'd have to call later) and even the guys - Knuckles, Silver, Tails …
Nothing from Sonic.
I tried not to let that bother me. After all, I thought, he probably didn't know what to say. And it's not like I'd given him much of a chance to say anything earlier. Maybe this was it for us. Maybe this was a distance we couldn't overcome. The thought rang hollow in my brain. I didn't want to believe it. But what else could I expect at this point?
There was a knock on the door. Mom peered into the room, her eyes wide and shining.
"What is it?" I asked, sighing. I didn't want to hear about family evening plans right now. I wanted to crawl back into bed and watch Netflix.
"There's someone outside for you," she said, either not noticing or ignoring my tone. "A boy."
"Huh?"
"It's Sonic," she whispered. She raised an eyebrow knowingly, and my face flamed up, in spite of myself. Had I been that obvious? The feeling was secondary to the anxiety that was like a stone at the bottom of my stomach.
"Should I ask him in, or-?" Mom asked, her brow creasing ever so slightly. Her eyes were narrowed in concern, and I felt a rush of love for her as well as guilt.
"No just uh, I'll get dressed," I said. Her face lit up a little and she shut the door while I unwrapped my hair from the ratty blue towel and pulled on jeans and a clean t-shirt. I glanced over at my make-up and hesitated; was there any point now? I focused on finding my Converse, wincing as I slid my feet into them. They clearly weren't designed for running, and my feet were paying the price for it now.
He was standing at the gate, a few feet away from the front door. I watched him gently nudge a dandelion with his foot, his hands in the pockets of his jeans, and for a second it was like nothing was any different; I was still absolutely love-struck.
Love.
I swallowed. Love. Part of me didn't think I was capable of feeling that way about someone. That I was too broken, or otherwise undeserving of it. I was so used to second-guessing myself, but when he looked up from the ground and our eyes met, I was hit by a sudden clarity. I loved him. I loved him so much.
I took a tentative step forward, reflexively brushing my hair from my face. It was still a little damp. I suddenly wished that I had put on make-up, just so I'd feel a little less naked around him. I was weirdly comforted by the fact that he looked nervous too, dithering on his feet like he wasn't sure if he should move towards me or not. I quickened my pace until we were standing in front of each other.
"Hey," he said. His arm twitched, like he wanted to reach out and hug me but wasn't sure how I'd react. Something stirred inside me. I crossed my arms in front of me, completely unable to meet his eyes. I could feel the anxious energy crackling from him, knew that he was still worried about me; I imagined him waking up to the news from Rouge or Knuckles or someone, stumbling out of bed and dressing haphazardly, maybe trying to call me and only hitting the automated voicemail as my phone lay dead in the pocket of my jeans.
Then when he found me, I barely acknowledged him.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, my eyes still fixed on the ground. I was trying so hard not to cry, because that would be even more unfair on him.
"I wanted to see how you were …" he trailed off uncertainly. I glanced up briefly at him and nearly flinched at the worry in his eyes.
"Was that okay?" he asked. He sounded so unsure, so unSonic that I had to blink very hard to stop tears from falling. You ruin everything, Amelia.
"No," I said quickly, shaking my head. "I just … I didn't think you'd want to."
"Why wouldn't I want to?" he asked. His voice broke my heart clean in two, the sheer confusion, as if it were something he genuinely needed me to explain to him. Because last night I kissed you, told you that I liked you, and then this morning you heard that I was missing, and I can't begin to imagine how that made you feel, and how much I hurt you.
I had to close my eyes and take a deep breath. "Because …" I began, struggling so hard to speak that my entire body shook. "Because - " Because I ignored you when you've been wonderful to me, because you don't deserve any of this shit, you shouldn't have to deal with this -
"Because-" I tried again. I tried to blink the tears back again but they filled my eyes too quickly and the flutter of my lashes sent them spilling down my face as I continued to try and choke the words out-
Because you should hate me. Because I hate myself.
"Ames," he said, sounding so concerned that a fresh wave of tears started falling from my eyes. I tried to wipe them away, knowing that my mom could be looking in at us through the window.
"Do you want to go for a walk?" he suggested. He was hovering again, not knowing what to do and scared of doing the wrong thing.
I shook my head. "My feet hurt too much."
His eyes flickered down to my worn-out shoes. Something shifted - his eyes softened, his entire stance relaxed, and his face became so tender that I wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch it. It was maddening, being so close to him now that I knew just how his hair felt under my fingers, the way it felt to trace his jawbone, or how soft his lips were -
"Come on," he said. He offered me his arm for support and I gave myself permission to accept it, to enjoy the contact as he led me out the gate and towards the bus-stop bench. It wasn't a long bench by any means, so we had to sit with our thighs pressed together. I felt my entire body burn with want. It wasn't sexual, not even strictly sensual. I just wanted to melt into him. To feel safe. But I couldn't. Not after what I'd done. Not when he didn't know.
"Why aren't you mad at me?" I asked. I hated how pitiful I sounded. I worried if I was being manipulative, trying to make him get angry … but his behaviour was baffling to me. "Why are you being so nice? You should be mad."
He traced an outline on the ground with his foot, frowning as he considered it.. "I guess … maybe I am, a little." he said, shrugging. "I mean, I was relieved when we found you. I don't know - nobody really knew what had happened, and we didn't have a lot of time to hypothesise. So I don't know what I was actually thinking until I knew you were okay. Or at least, not … in danger." I heard him swallow, watched him blink - hard - and his green eyes mist over with nonono -
"I guess I was mad when you ignored me," he said sadly. "I felt like the girls were trying to keep me away from you too, which made me angrier. I didn't stick around at Rouge's. I didn't like the way the girls were looking at me - glancing over and back, looking all sad and concerned like they knew something that I didn't. Then I realised that they obviously did and-" his voice broke off into a falsetto. His whole body was shaking, his hands balled into fists by his side. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No," I said, with a conviction that surprised me. I was so rarely certain of anything - but I was certain about this. "No, Sonic - "
"It's okay," He forced a smile, though he couldn't meet my eyes and his body was still shaking. "I can handle it. If you felt pressured, or if you don't really like me back. I just - I need you to be the one to tell me."
"You didn't do anything wrong," I said. "I'm the one who ruined everything." I swallowed. "Last night was - it was the best night of my life."
He let out a strange bark of a laugh, shaking his head in disbelief.
"It's true," I insisted. How was I still able to blush, after everything? "I-I've never been as happy as I was when you told me you liked me."
He shifted suddenly, and something moved behind his eyes. A few weeks ago - a few days ago, if I was honest, I would have stopped talking in order to analyse that movement and what it might mean. I would have panicked and changed the subject, to avoid further embarrassment. But it was like a veil had been drawn between this morning and everything that happened before it, like they existed in two separate lifetimes. The moment between Sonic and I was like a bridge between them both, in its own space in time. That made it easier to keep going.
"I've liked you for the longest time," I told him, my voice soft. "I wish I had the words to really describe it. I wish I had all the words to convince you. But I don't really know what else to say, except that … you make me feel warm and safe. And I don't feel like that very often. I just feel like an altogether happier person when you're around."
He seemed to consider my words. I could see the gears turning in his head, and could hear the question before he opened his mouth to speak - So why did you run away?
Why did you, Amelia?
I took a deep breath. This was the point of no return. This was my last chance to retreat back into myself, to roll up and hide under my shell. This was my last chance to pretend to be normal.
But what was normal anyway?
I took a deep breath then opened my mouth and told him everything. More than I'd told the girls. For some reason it was easier now - maybe because I only had one person to think about, maybe because it was getting easier every time, or maybe it was just because I'd slept and showered in the meantime. Maybe because we were sitting side by side, so I could stare straight in front of me and not have to see the expression on his face. I felt him stiffen beside me, heard the sharp intake of breath, but he didn't say a word. It felt like hours, but it could only have been minutes. It was amazing how little time it took to tell the whole story. All those years of trauma, all of those sleepless nights, all of those panic attacks, summed up in less time than it took to make a grilled cheese sandwich.
I told him about the months of abuse. About my mom's suicide attempt. I came clean about the panic-attacks, the anxiety that gnawed away inside me, the way I felt like I was desperately trying to float above the water all the time, so the sadness didn't submerge me.
Even though there was a bitter lump in my throat that made it painful to say the words, I didn't cry once. I didn't look at him, even after I finished. I just folded my arms around myself and kicked my feet against the pavement.
Finally I heard him clear his throat. "Are you okay?" he asked, and my heart fluttered momentarily because that was so Sonic.
"I'm fine," I said, shrugging my shoulders. It wasn't necessarily a lie. Though anxiety was beginning to tug at my brain, making me regret telling him, the overall emotion was … relief.
I glanced away. I tried to force down the hard lump that was lodged in my throat, but I couldn't.
"Can I just ask you one thing?" He waited for me to nod, before continuing; "Did being with me … trigger something? Did I make you uncomfortable? Is that why you-?"
"You said one thing," I said, smiling weakly though I was blinking back tears. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for making you feel this way.
"Was it because of me?" he asked, his voice soft. I felt like I could wrap myself up inside it and be completely safe. I could say anything to him.
"There was … a moment when I was taken back," I began, speaking slowly so I could gauge his reaction. He sucked in his bottom lip and nodded, as though I'd confirmed something he'd known for a while. I felt him pull away slightly from me and hastened to clarify. "But it was more than that. I - I just … I don't feel like I deserve to feel happy."
"That's ridiculous."
"I know!" I cried; I could have laughed at how stupid it suddenly sounded. Something had happened in the last twelve hours that made me see the whole thing for what it was. I thought about the voices that whispered in my head, telling me that I was a black-hole of a person that deserved all of the sadness I had felt. Why else would all of those bad things happen to me? Why else would my mom try to kill herself? I thought that it was a punishment, for being so happy when he died when she was so sad. But I was a child. I was a child. I was barely older than Abigail. How could I have deserved that? Why was I still trying to punish that scared little girl? I saw her in my mind's eye, like she was on the other side of a dark tunnel. A wide-eyed pudgy kid, with hair pulled back in a red band. Of course what happened wasn't her fault. Of course she'd wanted him gone. That didn't mean she'd caused it, or was responsible for anything else that had happened.
"I know that it doesn't make any logical sense," I said. "I just … I've spent so long trying to shut my feelings down, because I felt like I didn't have a choice. And ... I didn't want you to have to deal with that. I didn't want you to have to deal with me." I bit my lip. Now came the hard part. "And … if that's the case, I understand."
"Wait, what do you mean?" he asked, his head turning sharply so that he could look at me.
"Just … this is a lot," I said, gesturing vaguely at myself, trying to encapsulate everything. "I-I have panic-attacks. I'm pretty sure that I have depression or something, maybe some kind of PTSD. I-it's just a lot for anyone to deal with. I have to deal with it but ... "
But you don't.
He stared at me. "Amy," he said, speaking slowly, as though I'd said something crazy. "Are you trying to insinuate that this is something that I don't have to deal with? That your mental health isn't important to me?"
"I'm not saying that," I mumbled. His gaze was intense; I felt like he could see right through me. "Obviously you'll care to an extent, because that's who you are. But … you can choose how invested you are in me. Right?"
He shook his head. I was shocked to see the smile that was playing at his lips. When our eyes met again I was struck by the softness in them. I suddenly realised that he wasn't looking through me at all, but right at me - he always had been. All of that light, all of that tenderness, all of that care … it was always for me. I could scarcely breathe.
"If I've learned anything from the last few months," he said, sounding more serious than he ever had in all the time I'd known him. "It's that I don't really have any choice when it comes to you. I never have."
He hesitated. For a second I saw fear flicker in his eyes and I was hit with the realisation he was still the boy I kissed last night, whose hands trembled as they cupped my face and whose voice cracked from nerves. My heart swelled in my chest and I reached out to him, gently squeezing his shoulder to give him the semblance of assurance he needed. Like me, he was sixteen. He was unequipped and inexperienced. But he was going to try.
"If you don't feel like you can be with me right now, that's fine." Sonic said. I knew that he was being sincere from the look in his eyes. "If you need space to deal with things, if you feel like it would be too much pressure, I completely understand and support that decision. But it's only because I want the best for you, Amy. You've been through so much bullshit, I honestly think that it's a miracle you've made it this far. Shit, you're definitely the strongest person I know. I can't …" he swallowed, pain clouding his features. "I can't even begin to imagine what it's been like for you. So, if you want to go back to the way things were before, you just have to say the word and we can forget anything ever happened. But that's not going to stop me from standing behind you and supporting you all the way. That's not going to stop me from caring about you. I care about you so so much."
He paused. "I think that's why I tried to pull away from you too. I mean, maybe not at first. I probably did try to flirt a little. I was always drawn to you, and at first I just thought well, she's new and she's pretty and I'm a teenage guy, it makes sense that I'd like being around her. I never planned on anything coming from it, other than friendship. Honestly, I thought you were kind of out of my league."
"You thought I was out of your league?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, I guess … I wondered if you were just talking to me to be nice. I sort of felt like I was annoying you."
In almost any other context, I would have burst out laughing at the irony. Now it just made a lump form in my throat.
"But things started to change," he continued, his voice becoming thick with emotion. "I told myself it was just that we were becoming friends, that it felt different because I hadn't known you as long as everyone else, so I could be more open with you … I pretended that the fact that I was ready to drop everything to be by your side, even if it meant ditching my own party, or that I looked for you in every crowded room, didn't mean anything. I didn't want to lose you as a friend. I felt that romance had caused enough problems in my life. I was scared shitless when I realised how vulnerable I felt around you so … I did what I did best and ran away. I've been running all my life, ever since I was a kid. I thought it made me stronger, you know? Nothing - not my parent's divorce, or my dad's new life, or the shit with Mina - mattered, if I just focused on putting one foot in front of the other, if I just put enough distance between me and everything else. But then I met you, and I realised … I don't want to run away anymore. I want to stand here, with you. If you want."
His cheeks reddened. "I'm sorry if that was really cheesy," he said quickly. "I'm not - I'm not very good at this."
"I … think you're better than you think," I said, sniffing. I was on the verge of tears again.
"Whatever happens, whatever you decide … I just want to be there for you." he told me. "Like you've been there for me."
"But why?" I whispered, shaking my head in disbelief. I still couldn't wrap my head around it - it didn't feel real. I half expected Abigail to leap on top of my bed and wake me up. Why would you care so much about me?
Something changed in his expression. He swallowed nervously, and his eyes flickered towards the ground. The blush on his cheeks deepend.
"Do I really have to say it?" he muttered, half to himself.
"Say what?"
He glanced back at me. Our eyes met, and suddenly - I'm not sure how - I knew.
"Isn't it kind of obvious, Ames?" he asked me. His voice was soft, his eyes were wide, and his hands were shaking as he reached out and gently cupped my cheek. He swallowed hard, as though he were trying to summon his last bit of courage. I didn't trust myself to speak - I didn't even trust myself to breathe.
"I love you," he whispered. "I- I love you so much. You gotta know that by now, right?" he paused. "I mean, Sally seemed to pick up on it pretty quickly.
I let out a choking sound, somewhere between a laugh or a sob. "It seems we'd all be doing ourselves a favour if we just listened to Sally Acorn." I sniffed and shut my eyes tightly, concentrating on the warmth of his palm. I relaxed into it and when he made to move it away, I reached up with my own hand and held it there.
I didn't want him to let go.
I opened my eyes and was hit with dizzying clarity. I didn't want to let him go, either. I knew that I needed to get help. I knew that it would be a long and difficult road to recovery. Maybe there was an argument to be made that a relationship would complicate that process. Maybe I should wait until I was ready. Maybe it was unfair to let someone love you, when you couldn't love yourself.
But maybe letting someone love you, and letting them show you that love through their actions and their words, could teach you how to love yourself. Could show you how you deserved to be loved.
I thought about Maria. About Cream. About Blaze, Rouge, Cosmo, and Tikal. I thought about Shadow, about Silver, about Knuckles, and about Tails. How they all came to find me. I thought about Sally, Elias, and Megan. I thought about about Matthew and my mom, about Abigail. I thought about Rosy, about Aunt June. My other hand automatically went to my pockets to thumb my chunk of rose quartz - but I'd left it in my room. I realised, with a jolt, that I didn't really need it anymore.
I thought about Sonic. My chest tightened, and in that moment I knew that the road ahead was going to be long. It was going to be tough. But I didn't want to face it without him - not standing behind me, not cheering me on from the sides, but right beside me, with all of our friends.
I remembered Sally's words. We'd spent too much time making ourselves miserable, trying to protect ourselves and each other, worried that we would hurt the other with the sharp edges of all of our broken parts. While I was a romantic, I knew that we weren't going to be able to piece each other entirely back together. That's not how it worked. But maybe, if we worked together, we could create something new out of the broken pieces. Something worth keeping.
It had to be worth a shot, right?
I waited for the voices to come, the niggling self doubt. But I heard nothing but the beating of my heart, and the rise and fall of Sonic's breathing as he stared at me, the question burning in his eyes …
I wasn't gullible enough to think they'd gone forever. But I didn't need forever right now.
"Amy - " he began, but it was my turn to speak.
"I felt like I was running too," I said, the words tumbling out of my mouth. They practically tripped over each other in their rush. "Except I didn't know what I was running from. Because wherever I went, I carried everything with me. I couldn't escape. But maybe I'm looking at it all wrong. Maybe it's not what I was running from, but who I was running too."
I looked pointedly at him. His eyes widened, his mouth dropping slightly open, as though he couldn't believe what he was hearing. It made my heart ache - if I'd known that telling him all of this would have made him so happy, I would have done it so much sooner.
"You mean-?"
I silenced him with a kiss. Truth be told, it was a little weirder in the daylight, even though my eyes were closed. But I was too emotional to care about the mechanics. I wasn't bold enough to reach out and grab him, but his hand was still cupping my cheek and my own hands naturally found their way to his shoulders. We broke apart, our eyes wet and our smiles wide.
"I love you too," I told him. "And - I really appreciate you being there for me. But I don't expect you to make any grand promises, okay?"
"But I-"
"I don't need you to play the hero for me, Sonic. I don't need you to save me. You can't. Nobody can, apart from me."
Sonic's expression was torn, as though two sides of him were struggling. I knew that this went against all of his impulses. He'd spent the last few years trying to be the stoic hero, the guy who swooped in and saved the day. I'd seen first-hand the affects of that pressure. If this was going to work, he had to be able to be vulnerable around me too.
"You can help me," I told him. "You can support me, and be there for me. And I'll do the same thing for you. We can promise each other that much."
He looked uncertain, but he nodded. He knew deep down that I was right. I felt my entire body relax. My face broke out into a smile and after a heartbeat, Sonic's face did the same. It wasn't the confident, casual grin that was his trademark, but a genuine smile that lit his whole face up from the inside. I was too nervous to kiss him again, out in the open in view of the entire street. Sensing this, he reached out and squeezed my hand.
For once, neither of us let go.
"Do you want me to come in with you?"
He was standing beside me, so I couldn't see the look on his face. We were standing at the gate, hand-in-hand. I could tell that his eyes were on me, probably clouded over with concern … but mine were fixed on the door of the house.
Could I really do this?
"I can wait in the living room," he said. "In case you need me. Or we could call one of the girls -?"
"No," the words slipped out of my mouth before I could think them through, but once they were out in the open I knew that it was the right thing to say. "I have to talk to her by myself. You understand, right?"
"Of course," he replied. "You can call me after, okay?"
I nodded and squeezed his hand, trying to draw from some of his strength. I needed as much as I could get. This was so much worse than telling the girls, so much worse than telling Sonic …
But if anyone deserved to know, it was her.
"I think I'm ready," I told him. My stomach was twisted into knots, but this was the only way that I could untangle them. I walked towards the door, trembling, but knowing that Sonic was there watching me, silently encouraging me, made me carry on. I resisted the urge to look back as I opened the door - I knew I'd go running right back to him, to where I felt safe.
I had to do this.
Abigail was still at her sleepover. Mom was sitting in the kitchen, flipping through a magazine and drinking a cup of coffee. There was a plate of biscuit crumbs on the table beside her. She was dressed in comfy jeans and a large jumper, her hair pulled back in a ponytail. Her feet were covered by mismatched socks, tucked at an odd angle underneath her. Her face was bare. When she looked up at me, her entire expression softened and her eyes shone with love.
"There you are!" she exclaimed. "Do you want a biscuit? There are more in the cupboard. Then you can sit down and fill me in on - " her voice faltered as she took in the expression on my face. Her whole face clouded over. "Amy? What's wrong? Did something happen?"
This is it.
I took a deep breath. "Mom," I said, surprised by how controlled my voice sounded. "There's something that I need to tell you …"
the end
And another 13,000 words later, here we are.
I know what the story status says and while this is the 'official' ending of the story, I do plan on writing an epilogue. I can't promise when it will be posted. As I'm sure you've gathered from the lengthy wait for this chapter, for which I am truly sorry, things have been pretty busy and stressful for me lately. My college year is drawing to a close and while I don't have many exams, I have a lot of essays to write. Additionally, I have gotten my job back after being out of work for a year due to the pandemic and while I'm really grateful for that obviously, it means my evenings are that bit busier. So I wanted this to serve as enough of an ending to hopefully satisfy people, while leaving a few loose ends for the epilogue. All I will say is that it will probably not be very long (though that's relative), and it will take place a few months after this chapter, during Summer vacation.
I plan on doing more detailed thank yous and a more definitive -closing speech- at the end of the epilogue, but I just wanted to thank each and every one of you for reading this story. I honestly didn't think when I started this rewrite that I would actually finish it - it was more of an exercise for myself. I was pleasantly surprised when new readers stumbled upon it, and I have loved hearing from all of you. I was also delighted by how many old readers got back in touch almost ten years later! The original ISITC is a deeply flawed piece of work in many respects - I made so much of it up as I went along, and there are some problematic aspects that I find really embarrassing now (the slut-shaming makes me weep) - but it was truly a labour of love and my eleven-thirteen year old self adored writing it. My nineteen-twentyone year old self also adored writing this one, and I hope you enjoyed reading it.
The mental-health theme was largely subtext in the original. This was because I put a lot of myself into Amy, and I wasn't at an age where I could really articulate or engage with the things that were affecting me. One thing I really wanted to do with this story was to challenge some ideas we have surrounding mental illness and relationships. While I think the overall trend is changing, I still think too much media focuses on finding someone who fixes all of your problems, and this just isn't accurate. It's come up multiple times in my own relationship, which as I'm typing I realise started when me and my boyfriend were both sixteen and the same age as these characters, which is kind of terrifying. I've been fairly candid about my own experiences, and I know that it's been hard on my boyfriend and that he often wishes he could do more. But all we can do is be there for each other, and be kind.
Thank you once again for everyone who has left reviews - and those of you who have not but have continued to read anyway! ALSO, I will soon be removing the bonus chapter from -this- story and publishing it as a separate one-shot, either this week or whenever I have the epilogue up.
It is now 4AM where I live, and I have college and work tomorrow so I shall bid you all goodnight - and thank you, a thousand times over. I'll talk to you again when it comes to the epilogue.
Starry xxx