Ch 42: Identity

I spent the rest of the week at the manor, on Bruce's insistence that the cave's medical supplies would be useful. I think he just wanted to keep an eye on me while Dad was working with clients and Dad surprisingly agreed. So I hid in the library with Ace reading and doing the two weeks worth of homework I missed. I hadn't heard from or seen Jason since I got back.

"Terry told me what happened, but damn, you look like hell," Max said in way of a greeting. It was the first day of spring break and the only day Max was free to meet up.

"Sorry I didn't see you sooner. I was under strict observation last week," I explained as she sat down. I was allowed to be out of the house only so I could meet Luke Fox for a recommendation letter and talk to Max. It took a lot of begging Dad to let me even have lunch with Max. He wasn't exactly happy over the fact she had been helping me with Shadow. And lying to him with me. The only reason he agreed was because we decided to meet at an outdoor bistro, too public to plot anything Shadow related. Not that I had any desire to.

"I imagine you're in a lot of trouble."

"In so many ways," I couldn't help but laugh a little, "I'm grounded for the summer. Again." I looked over the menu, "I have to spend whenever I get this cast off until the end of summer working as an unpaid intern for Commissioner Gordon. And go to therapy." I grimaced.

"That's not so bad," she set her menu down, "My mom would never let me leave the house again."

"I think I got pity points because, well," I waved my cast up. "Plus all the mental trauma."

"I'm glad you're okay, but promise to never do that again. I had a bad feeling the entire time you were gone. Then Terry called me and told me what happened."

"I'm sorry. For all of it, and what I put everyone close to me through. Especially you," I sighed. I didn't want to have this conversation, but it was the whole reason I wanted to meet with her. "Max, you were right. I should-"

"Jamie, stop," She interrupted, "You've been through so much in the last few months, and I was never mad at you. I just wanted you to know what your purpose for all of this was. I was trying to get you to see that your constant state of indecision wasn't helping you. There's nothing to apologize for," she smiled softly at me. I wished so badly that my conscience would've let that be the end of it.

"Thanks, but I still need to say this," I took a deep breath. God, why was this so hard? "I'm sorry I dragged you into my mess. I had convinced myself I was trying to get justice for Anni, when in reality, I was was just on the hunt for revenge, and used her death as an excuse. I used and manipulated everyone around me to get what I wanted, and now I don't have anything to show for it. I'm sorry I convinced you to waste your time on me." My apology hung heavy in the air between us. Max didn't say anything until after the waitress took our orders.

"You didn't manipulate anyone, Jamie. I know I wanted justice for your friend as much as you did. We were sympathetic to your grief. Terry was especially, since he can relate. If I didn't want to be involved, I wouldn't have. Don't undersell the fact you've made friends who care about you. And don't sell yourself short either."

"What do you mean?" I asked, "I failed. Victoria is still free to ruin more people, Anni has no justice, and no one I care about trusts me. I've completely ruined my life."

"Are you done being dramatic? Because all of that is bullshit," She pointed at me, "First of all, your life is far from ruined. It's not like you're in prison or something. You got a ton of evidence on Victoria now, there's no way she'll get off free once the cops get a hold of it. Thirdly, the fact that you still think you haven't gotten justice for Anni is just absurd. You practically destroyed yourself for this cause. You exposed her true killer. From what you've told me, you went far beyond what Anni would've ever wanted you to do. And lastly," She put her hand on top of mine, "Unless you mean to tell me you don't care about me or Terry or anyone at school, we still trust you."

I was honestly stunned. In the last week, my family had let me just wallow in my own pity party and self hatred. And Max just decimated my argument in two minutes. I really didn't deserve her in my life.

I couldn't come up with a response. Thankfully our food arrived, giving us a topic change.

"So, San Francisco sucked, but how was Stanford?" She asked.

"I think I actually might want to go there," I started and told her what I liked and didn't like. "You would probably love it too. Their computer science program is pretty amazing." I said, finishing off my lunch.

"Unlike you, my grandpa isn't rich, or has connections to people who would give me a recommendation," She laughed, "Besides, I got a full scholarship to Gotham U."

"Max that's amazing! I'm so-" my phone started ringing. I thought it was Dad calling to tell me it was time to head home, but I didn't recognize the number.

"Hello?" I answered hesitantly.

"Hello, yes. Is this Jamie Todd?" I froze in my seat at the sound of Victoria's voice. How did she get my number? Why did she think she should be talking to me? Did she really think she could brush off what happened? I realized I was taking too long to respond.

"Yes, I'm Jamie," I didn't bother to correct her about my last name.

"Jamie! Hola! My name is Valentina Ramirez. I was told you were in the accident with me. And that you're my daughter."

Victoria didn't sound as stern as she normally did, and her accent seemed to be thicker. I wasn't sure if that was because of the phone or her head injuries. And had she introduced herself as Valentina?

"Yeah, that's true," I caught Max looking at me curiously. I dug a pen out of my purse and wrote Victoria on my napkin. She nodded in understanding.

"I'm going to be released from the hospital tomorrow, and I was wondering if we could meet and talk sometime soon?"

Okay, I knew the doctors said it was possible she would suffer memory loss because of her injuries, but I didn't think she wouldn't remember anything about me. Or want to deal with me even if she did. I really didn't want to deal with this. There was a reason I avoided her in the hospital.

"Um, I don't know if that's possible? Has anyone told you anything about our relationship?" Just how much had she forgotten?

"I talked to a Jason Todd, who they told me was your father. He told me you live in Gotham, and we don't have a good relationship." She sounded saddened by that.

"He's right, we don't. And I don't think it's a good idea to see each other right now. I can't fly out to California, and you probably should just focus on recovery," I hoped this version of Victoria would actually listen to me.

"This was suggested as part of my recovery. Talking to people important to me." Shit. And wait. She thought I was important to her?

"I'm sorry, but I don't really think I qualify. We barely know each other. There's probably people in your office that could help you better than I can. I wish I could help, but I can't."

"I understand. Sorry for taking up your time. Have a good day," She hung up. I had never heard Victoria sound so dejected. I tossed my phone on the table and groaned.

"What did she want?" Max asked.

"To talk. She lost her memory, and seems to think I can help her."

"Amnesia? I thought that only happened in movies?"

"Apparently not. Most of her injuries were head injuries, so it's not that surprising. The doctors even warned us it was highly possible," I threw my credit card on the bill just as the waitress reappeared to take it.

"So what are you going to do?" Max asked. I sighed and picked up my phone.

"It seems I need to actually try to talk to Jason now."

I put my issues with Victoria aside and focused on enjoying the rest of spring break. Well, as much as I could with a broken wrist and dislocated shoulder. And being grounded. I basically stayed around the gym, working on more homework and watching old vids with Dad when he wasn't coaching downstairs. All in all, it was the most uneventful week I had had in awhile.

Of course the minute I stepped into school for the first time in three weeks, I was immediately bombarded with questions.

The question "What happened?" was really grating on my nerves, and by the end of the day I was regretting not just waiting until I had fully healed.

I was completely thrown off to find Jason of all people waiting for me outside after school.

"Um, hi?"

"Figured you couldn't ride your bike," Just how much did he know about me? "And we haven't talked. Now's a good a time as any," he said watching people get into their cars. I unfortunately had been downgraded to waiting for the Gotham bus system to get home. An unintentional punishment, since riding my bike was out of the question.

"I guess. But did you tell Dad? Because I'm technically not allowed anywhere besides school and home right now," I was not about to risk anything to be grounded longer.

"You have a phone," He proceeded towards the back of the parking lot. I rolled my eyes, but texted Dad that Jason would bring me home at some point.

"You think you can hold on with just one arm?" He asked as we approached a bike that looked older than me and in just about as rough of shape. The thing was a mammoth of a bike, demanding to be seen and, probably heard, judging by the size of the pipes on it. The exact opposite of the sleek and clean look I was used to with my bike. This one was built to ride.

"Is it gonna fall apart before I get home?" I took the helmet he offered.

"Rosie has never let me down, I doubt she'll start now."

"Good to know!" I shouted over the roar of 'Rosie's' pipes. Jason shot out of the school parking lot, most likely breaking a few noise ordinances in the process.

We ended up in a state park west of Gotham, by the lake it apparently had. Jason claimed a picnic table close to the water. Why he picked here of all places, I had no idea.

"So, umm, not that I'm not grateful for you saving me from another night at home, but is there something we need to do?" I asked, sitting at the table.

"Figured you would like to have an actual conversation about your mother and I," he pulled out a flask and took a drink.

Well, I definitely had questions. Ones that had been running through my head since I saw my birth certificate. I just hadn't expected that Jason would be so open to letting me ask them. I thought getting answers would be like pulling teeth, like it seemed to be with everyone else in this family. In all honesty, I thought Jason had left Gotham. I never expected he'd be the one seeking me out.

"God, I don't even know where to start," I picked a rock out of the ground with my foot, "We could be here for hours."

"Thats the point Kid. I should've told you myself long before now. Sorry you had to drag this all up yourself."

"If you're that sorry, why did you even keep me around the family? I mean, I get why Victoria didn't abort me, fucked up as it was. But I'm having a harder time understanding your logic. Especially if you didn't want me involved with Batman. I saw the list of potential families I could've been adopted to."

He sighed and took his sweet time answering me.

"I am in no way parent material. Hell, I'm barely people material. I didn't leave you with one of those families because, for some reason, I didn't trust anyone else. At the time you were born, Dick was still somewhat of a softy. When I came to him with you, he saw a desperate man and a helpless child. I knew he wouldn't turn us down. I was in no shape to be a father. I'm still not. Dick offered to take you and I knew that he would be everything I wasn't. Its always been like that." He took another drink, "You deserved a better childhood than running around with the Red Hood."

"I wasn't good enough to quit for?" I bit out, surprising myself and Jason with my harsh tone.

"I didn't even know you existed until Victoria told me! I never even wanted to be a father, too many bad examples. I did what I thought was best for you and I still think it was the right thing."

"Because growing up among lies and secrets is the perfect environment for a child," I muttered.

"I said what I thought was right. Doesn't mean I was. I'm not Bruce, I can admit when I've made a mistake," he sighed, "Despite what anyone has told you, I did want to be there for you. When Valentina left you with me, I wanted to be for you what no one was for me as a kid. But I had been in the game too long. Even if I had quit, enemies would still find me. I've pissed a lot of people off in my lifetime. A lot of the wrong people. You'd never be safe with me as a father," He chucked humorlessly.

"That sounds like an excuse to me. You're the Red fucking Hood. I know for a fact you have the resources to disappear from Bruce. I don't believe that's the real reason," I glared at him.

"You terrified me! You still do! The responsibility of taking care a child was scarier than anything I had ever done. It took me a week to even find you for this conversation. I am so scared you'll turn out like me!"

"Seem like it's too late for that," I snorted, "It seems like all anyone ever does is compare us. I've been told so many times I'm like you."

"You're not though."

"How so?"

He was quiet for a long time, I almost gave up and moved on to my next questions.

"You're smarter than me," He finally said.

"Um, I doubt that. I've seen your old report cards. You definitely got better grades than me," Not by much, but still, better than mine.

"Intelligence isn't only measured by academics, Kid. You've gotten away with stuff I only dreamed of doing at your age. And you know how to use the people around to your advantage, without having to manipulate them. And your heart always seem to be in the right place."

I didn't really know how to respond to that.

"Moving on," I shook my head, "Bruce said you'd been following me even before San Francisco. Why?"

"Dick told me when you got expelled from your prep school. How he couldn't come with you to Gotham right away. He seemed desperate to let me know you'd probably find out about Batman, and subsequently, me," He shrugged, "I wanted to make sure that if you were gonna try something stupid, at least one person had your back while you were in Gotham."

"That night in the alley, when I fought those gang members. You were there, weren't you?" I realized. This whole time I had thought it was Terry, and he just decided to never bring it up. I guess not.

He nodded, "You held your own very well, I was impressed."

I couldn't help but smile a little. Not that I put much value in Jason's opinion, I barely knew him, but I still wanted him to like me.

"But wait, that was after Dad had moved here. Why did you bother at that point?"

"I hadn't intended to, but you had been on Valentina's trail, and decided to become Shadow. And you weren't telling anyone else about you plan. I probably would've gone to California even if Bruce hadn't asked. You were doing what I did when I was looking for my mother. I couldn't let the same thing happen to you that happened to me. That would've torn this family into even smaller shreds."

I couldn't help but flinch at the memory of Dad telling me he couldn't lose me too. The guilt crashed over me again. If Jason hadn't been there...

"I don't think I ever thanked you for saving me. I really didn't want to die. I just didn't want to keep dealing with everything. So thanks for not letting me make another stupid mistake." I put my head on his shoulder. He stiffened for a second, and I couldn't help but chuckle at the similarities between him and when I did the same to Bruce the first time.

"You have a good heart Jamie. Something I lost a long time ago. Hold onto it. Live up to your name."

"A Todd?" I asked, looking at him.

"No. As a Grayson. Be the best of us, the same way Dick was. Carry on that legacy. It was always yours. Be better. That's all any parent wants for their child. Even me."

Something in me felt lighter. Like I had been warring with my identity ever since I found out about my parents. Hearing that Jason saw me as a Grayson, was an enormous relief. I had needed to know that he didn't hold onto some strange sense of ownership over me the way Victoria did.

"Thank you," I gave him a side hug. He returned it as best he could with my bad shoulder, "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Promise me you'll be around more. I don't like the idea of you watching me from the shadows. And besides, I think you're the only one in the family who reads as much as I do."

He laughed at that, "I guess I can squeeze you in whenever I visit Tim. I can't promise that I'll always be able to visit, but I guess you're grown enough that I can't corrupt you too much when I do."

I really didn't expect he'd agree so easily, but I would take it.