Because the trip was heavily subsidised by the foundation, it wasn't expensive and so I was able to go. My brothers even encouraged me; said it would be a good opportunity, and I did nothing to dissuade them of that notion. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I told Adam and Brian that Josh was going on the trip, they wouldn't let me go. Or they might, but there would be a discussion around it and maybe even a fight. So I didn't tell them. And it wasn't really a lie because they didn't ask. So even though there was niggling guilt in the back of my mind that I wasn't being 100% upfront, I ignored it and focused on the excitement of getting to spend time alone with Josh.

And there was opportunity for me and Josh to spend time alone on the trip. Plenty of it, and it was amazing. We didn't parade the fact that we were together in front of everyone; in fact, we were discreet to the point of being paranoid about it. I knew the only way to get away with seeing each other was if no one was talking about us, because then it might get back to some other kids at school and then Guthrie and he would be put in a difficult position. So we snuck off whenever we could- in breaks in between workshops, in the hotel for stolen moments, for the free time to see the sights in San Francisco. We kissed and there was some heavy petting but we didn't do any more than that. I would have though, had he tried to. That's how much I liked him. But he didn't even try it.

And it was so cool to get to participate in all the debate workshops and meet kids from different parts of California. I was fascinated and, I'll admit, intimidated by the kids from the big cities like LA who looked edgy and cool and like nothing bothered them or could touch them. What must their lives be like in comparison to mine? One girl had a kind of pink and red hairstyle, really punky looking. I heard a couple of the kids in our group sneering at it, but I thought it looked great. I could only imagine my brothers' faces if I came home with hair like that.

I sat next to Josh on the coach on the way back to school on the Sunday. It was torturous not to be able to touch him like I wanted to. I was sure I loved him. We'd already spoken about him not getting off the coach until last, so that whoever was there to pick me up wouldn't see him. Luckily, Evan had been sent and he's not the most observant of my brothers in any case, so even though we hadn't fully driven away yet when Josh got off, I knew that Evan hadn't spotted him.

We were safe- for now at least.

/

One of the cows was sick apparently and so when we got home, Evan went to join Adam and Crane who he said were also down in the barn in the cow.

"Bri's not down there?" I said.

"Nope."

"Where is he, then?" I asked.

"Dunno," Ev said, already walking away from me. He waved towards the house. "Go on inside- Hannah'll need you."

Indeed, Hannah was in the kitchen trying to manage a screaming Starr and also put supper together. The minute I walked in, a look of relief passed over her face.

"Oh good, you're back," she said, unceremoniously thrusting Starr into my arms. "Hold her for minute, would you?"

I Starr from her and looked into her little face which was as red as a cherry tomato from all the screaming she was doing.

"What's the matter with her?" I asked loudly over the din she was making.

"Hungry," Hannah said, "I'm just about to make her a bottle."

She looked flustered.

I sat down on one of the chairs in the kitchen while Hannah made Starr a bottle. I attempted to shush her with a pacifier, but she had worked herself up in such a state that she kept spitting it out. Luckily Hannah didn't take long and although it took me a few of attempts to get Starr to latch on, she did and there was merciful quiet. My ears were ringing.

Hannah and I shared a relieved smile.

"Phew," I said.

"Indeed," Hannah said, already back at the stove, "Hopefully this means I can get back to making supper. How was your weekend?"

"Great!" I said.

"Tell me about it," she said.

I so badly wanted to tell her about Josh and the weekend we had spent together, but I knew it wasn't something she would feel comfortable keeping from Adam. So I left that part out and told her all about the workshops and what I had learned and the sights I'd seen in San Francisco and meeting the different kids from different places in California and all about the girl with the pink and red hair.

"I'm thinking about getting a hairstyle like that myself," I teased.

Hannah smiled. "Remind me to be out when that showdown happens."

"How were things here?" I asked.

Hannah smiled wryly.

"Busy. Loud- the usual chaos. The cow got sick yesterday so most of the weekend's been busy with that."

"Evan said that Bri's not with the others down in the barn," I said.

Hannah's mouth tightened. I could tell she wasn't happy.

"That's right."

"Do you know where he is?" I said, watching Hannah carefully for her reaction.

"No," Hannah said shortly, "And apparently no one else does either."

"Is it just today he's been away for?" I asked.

"Since last night."

"Since last night?!" I repeated, incredulously. "And he's still not home?! What if something's happened to him!"

"He's an adult, Heidi, he's most probably fine," Hannah said. I could tell she was mad though.

"He's probably hungover, or drunk somewhere," I said, darkly.

Hannah gave me a disapproving look.

"Heidi."

"It's true, Hannah! And I know you think it too!"

Hannah didn't say anything, I knew because she would think it wasn't right for me to be talking about Brian that way. But I persevered on.

"Everyone in this house treats me like a little kid and thinks I don't notice things, but I see everything and I'm old enough to understand it too. Brian's been drinking too much lately, no doubt about it."

"Heidi-"

"I know you agree with me," I continued. "And I know you've been trying to make Adam say something. He's always up in everyone's business. Why won't he say something this time? "

Hannah's back was to me and she was quiet for a moment. I knew her well enough to understand she was wondering how much she should say to me.

"I don't know," she admitted quietly. "I can't seem to get him to see reason on this."

"Starr deserves better," I said, looking down at the suckling baby.

"I'm going to say something next time I see him," I said.

"You won't because it's not your place, Heidi," Hannah said, sharply even.

"He wouldn't hesitate to say something to me!" I protested.

Hannah eyed me sternly.

"It's different and you know it. Brian is an authority figure to you and it's not appropriate for you to challenge him like that. All that's going to achieve is landing you in a world of trouble."

"You say something then!" I said, "Forget waiting for Adam!"

Ordinarily, I would never ever speak to Hannah so frankly and suggest she went over Adam's head. But this was something I felt strongly about. Like I'd said, Starr deserved better. And the whole thing was making me angry. Brian should know better. And it wasn't like him to renege on his responsibilities.

"We don't even know if Brian is our drinking, or hungover," Hannah reminded me. "There could be a perfectly good reason for him not being home yet."

"But if it turns out he has been away drinking, will you say something?" I asked.

Hannah sighed deeply and she rubbed her belly absently.

"I'll think about it."

/

I settled Starr and she went to sleep and then I went upstairs to get a start on my homework before supper although I spent some time talking to Guthrie who had arrived home about his weekend. He had taken Josie, the girl he liked, out on a date the evening before and so I wanted to know all about it. We talked about my weekend too, but of course I left out any reference to Josh. I was going to bring the subject of Brian up but we were called down to supper before I could.

Daniel was out and Brian still wasn't home when we sat down. I could tell Adam, Evan and Crane were tired- Crane even said he thought he would spend the night since he'd have to be back in a few hours anyway.

Adam and Crane both asked me about the conference and I pretty much repeated what I had told Hannah and Guthrie earlier. I was still going when we heard the roar of a car up the driveway.

"That'll probably be Brian," Crane remarked.

Guthrie got up and peered out the window.

"Yep," he confirmed. "That's Joe, dropping him off."

"He don't look good," Guthrie said.

"Doesn't," Crane said.

"What?" said Guthrie, looking confused.

"He doesn't look good, not he don't look good," Crane corrected.

Guthrie rolled his eyes just as Brian half walked, half dragged himself through the side door, the one closest to the dining table.

As Guthrie had confirmed, he didn't look good. In truth, he looked absolutely terrible. If Brian doesn't shave every day, his beard growth is pretty heavy, and it definitely looked like it had been a good couple of days since he'd shaved. His eyes were red and his clothes were crumpled. But the dead give away that he'd definitely been out drinking was that he reeked of alcohol, like he'd marinated in a brewery.

I think all of us were shocked into silence for a couple of moments. I knew Brian had a history of heavy nights out, but I'd never in my life seen him like this.

For his part, Brian didn't even address the fact he looked like a walking disaster; he just sat down at the table and grabbed a roll out of the breadbasket.

I looked at Hannah and then at Adam, and both of them looked shocked, but also absolutely furious.

"Where you been, Brian?" Adam asked quietly. I could tell by his tone of voice and the set of his jaw that he was close to blowing up.

"Out," Brian said, tearing off another bite of his roll.

"Out where?" Adam asked.

Brian waved his hand carelessly, as though to dismiss Adam.

"Just out and about. Don't get on my case, Adam, I've got a splittin' headache."

Adam stared at him for a good couple of moments while the rest of us held our breath, waiting for what was sure to be an epic showdown.

But all Adam did was shake his head and say under his breath, "You're unbelievable, you know that?"

Brian shrugged and got up, grabbing a plate from the counter.

Hannah looked at Adam incredulously, as did all of us really. Then she looked at me. I knew she had to be thinking of our conversation earlier. I willed her to say something.

"That's it? That's all you're going to say?" she said to Adam.

"We'll discuss it later, honey," Adam said quietly, his eyes meeting hers.

"No. No we'll discuss it now," Hannah said, slamming her palm on the table. "No more tiptoeing around."

She looked at Brian.

"You've been out drinking, Brian, right? That's where you've been since last night," she said quietly, but furiously.

"Congratulations, detective," Brian said. Without looking at anyone, he moved to put some green beans on his plate.

"Hey!" Adam said, pointing a finger at Brian, I knew because of his disrespect towards Hannah.

"You're still drunk, aren't you?" Crane said calmly, his eyes glued to Brian.

Brian blew out heavily. "Back off will ya," he said. "I don't need all of ya on my case."

"Tough luck, Brian," Hannah said. She stood up, but placed both her hands on the table and leaned forward. "Tough luck, because you've got a baby girl asleep next door who hasn't seen her father almost the whole weekend because he was out getting smashed."

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose.

"So what? I was just blowin' off some steam- it's not like I left her alone in the house to fend for herself, is it? You guys were here and she's fine, isn't she?"

"She's your responsibility, Brian!" Hannah yelled, slamming one of her hands down on the table. "I'm happy to watch her in bits and I know the others are too, but she's not my kid, and she's not any of the others either!"

"Honey-," Adam said standing up too, but Hannah turned to him furiously.

"Do not even think about telling me to calm down, Adam McFadden. If you had dealt with him earlier, maybe he wouldn't be in the state he's in!"

"Dealt with me, huh?" Brian yelled, standing up too. He gestured to me, Guthrie and Evan. "I don't need 'dealin' with like one of the kids. I'm a grown man."

"Then act like it and look after your kid!" Hannah yelled. Her face had become very red.

"I've been lookin' after kids my whole life! Kids I damn well didn't ask for!" Brian erupted, smashing his fist on the table. "Is it too much to ask to take one night off?!"

I felt a stab of hurt, and looking at Guthrie, I knew he felt the same way too. Evan's face was stony and impassive.

"That's enough, Brian," Adam said, glancing quickly at Guthrie and me.

"I don't need this," Brian said.

He walked pointedly to the fridge and pulled out a can of beer and then stormed out the back door.

"Great," said Crane, tiredly, throwing his paper napkin in front of him.

Hannah looked at Adam and crossed her arms.

"Thanks for the support, Adam," she said sarcastically, and before he could reply, she marched out of the kitchen towards the stairs.

Adam sighed deeply and went into the mudroom, shrugging on his jacket which had been dumped on one of the counters there.

We could hear him cursing as he too stormed out the back door.