trigger warning

Chapter Forty-Three: Wolfstar Pet Names Will be the Death of Me

"So, Remus, how have classes been going?"

"Fine."

"How's your boyfriend?"

"Fine."

"Anything new happen recently?"

"No."

"Look, Remus, you need to talk to me. You need to talk to someone. You can't just keep coming in here and sitting and giving me one word answers. That's not going to help anything."

Remus didn't look up. He was intently picking at the skin around his thumb, desperately wishing he were somewhere else. He talked as little as possible in his therapy sessions. He kept coming, and his therapist couldn't tell anyone anything, as long as Remus didn't tell him anything worrying. And Remus wouldn't.

"Christmas vacation starts today, are you going home for the holidays?"

"No."

"Anything exciting planned?"

"No."

He sighed. "If you're not going to talk, you can just go early. We're not going to get anything done today, are we?"

Remus stood up and walked out of the room, closing the door rather hard on the way out. Sirius was waiting in the hallway, sitting on the bench a few steps away from the door. He looked up, surprised to see Remus.

"You're out early."

Remus shrugged, but didn't say anything. It was one of those days where he didn't really have the energy to talk.

Sirius frowned. "You ok?"

Remus heard him, but the words didn't register. He just blinked at Sirius.

"Remy, babe? I asked if you were ok."

Remus shrugged again. He was fine. He didn't bother trying to form words. He knew they wouldn't come. He was so tired.

Sirius hugged him. "Just one of those days?"

Remus nodded. Sirius understood. Sirius didn't try to make him talk. Sirius just accepted it without a question. Fuck, he loved Sirius so much.

"Want to head back up to the tower? I think James and Peter are hanging out in the dorm."

Remus didn't care. He didn't have the energy to make the decision. He didn't really want to see anyone else, but he also didn't have the ability to care at the moment. Although, if they went back to their room, maybe he could take a nap. That sounded nice right now.

"Wanna take a nap," he said.

"Ok," said Sirius softly. "Let's go."

Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus's waist, and they walked in silence to the Gryffindor Tower. Remus was exhausted. He didn't think he would be able to fall asleep, though.

Before he knew it, they had made it back to their dorm, and Sirius had helped him into bed. He lay there, his eyes burning with exhaustion, but unable to sleep.

"Want me to cuddle with you?" asked Sirius.

Remus smiled a little bit and nodded. Sirius smiled back and climbed onto the bed next to him. He lay down, his chest to Remus's back, and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend.

Remus was so anxious. His chest hurt, his heart raced, his stomach churned. He was afraid that he might have a panic attack. He didn't know what triggered it, but it was bad. Sirius seemed to sense this, and held Remus closer, knowing that he felt safe in his arms.

Remus sat up, gasping for breath. His head spun, he couldn't really see, he wasn't registering any sounds. He could feel the bed underneath him, but couldn't really feel it. There was only pure, unadulterated panic, coursing through his veins, filling his head with a rushing noise.

"Oh, fuck," he choked out, digging his short, bitten nails into the back of his hand.

A hand wrapped around his, stopping him from tearing at the skin. Someone was sitting behind him, holding him still, trying to calm him down.

Remus struggled and thrashed, trying to free himself. If he could just get free, he could get to the bathroom. He had a blade hidden in a drawer; there was a false back. He kept a few blades in there, as well as a large bottle of over-the-counter pills he had taken from his mother's medicine cabinet.

"Shh, Remus, I've got you."

He could barely hear the words over the rushing sound. It was so familiar. The voice felt safe. He couldn't reach it, though.

"Remy, baby, you're ok."

A hand rubbed little circles on his palm. A voice whispered soft words in his ear. Someone wiped the tears away from his cheeks.

"Sirius," he managed to gasp.

"I'm right here," said his boyfriend. "I've got you. It's ok."

"Sirius. Sirius!"

"Yes, it's Sirius. It's ok. You're ok."

"Sirius! I want to cut!"

Sirius sucked in a breath. He knew Remus was trying so hard, for him, and he was so fucking proud of him. "It's ok. It's ok."

"I want to cut! I need it!"

"It's ok. You don't need it. I've got you."

Remus was sobbing. He had let his weight go and was just leaning against Sirius, sobbing into his chest. Sirius's heart broke. He held Remus's hand, gently stroked his hair. He looked down sadly at his boyfriend.

Remus had done nothing to deserve all of the pain in his life. Sirius would do anything to take it away. But he couldn't. All he could do was promise to always be there for Remus. And he would. He had vowed to always be there for his boyfriend, always be there to comfort him. He had to be there.

The door swung open. Sirius looked up, seeing James frozen in the doorway. He motioned frantically for James to leave.

"Need anything?" mouthed James.

Sirius shook his head. "Thank you," he mouthed back.

Remus's crying had mostly subsided, and there were just a few hiccups. Sirius wiped his tears away. He was clinging to the front of Sirius's sweater, as if it were his only lifeline. And Sirius feared that it might be. He was afraid that he was the only thing keeping Remus here. And he shuddered at the thought of what might happen if he weren't.

He helped Remus lay down and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "I love you, Remy," he whispered softly. "I fucking love you."

A/N:

happy easter if u celebrate it! and happy sunday if u don't :)

my day was mostly meh, i sang at mass which was cool, but also eating food makes me feel shitty sometimes :/ i have probably disordered eating/possibly an eating disorder? (ednos or binge-eating disorder), and just like a super unhealthy relationship with myself/my body. fuck, i'm such a fucking hypocrite. i'm sorry

it's weird, bc sometimes (rarely) i'll be feeling fine and then the tiniest, stupidest thing will happen and then i'll feel like shit and the thoughts will start again. also i get like sort of intrusive thoughts sometimes, and it's kinda scary ig? cause like i'm not going to do it, but like i'll be driving rlly fast (especially at night, also everyone in my city is an asshole on the road lmaoo), and i'll see someone walking and just be like "what if i just swerved and hit that person." or like "what if i just didn't break." or something like that. like i'm not going to do it, i swear i'm not, but like thoughts like that have been happening more and idk

take care, drink some water, eat something, be nice to yourselves, and smile. look in the mirror and tell yourself one thing you love about yourself. you're doing amazing, and i'm so proud of you. i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn