I want to hate him. God knows how hard I want that. How hard I've been trying. But I can't.
Seeing him a few days ago, and now on stage, has put my heart on fire again. I can't forget how he treated me, but I also can't forget what happened before. Even if it was without strings, we were so good together and I probably had in mind the hope to change him and his vision of love and relationship. But you can't change someone who doesn't want to. And even if my life is a mess right now, I will never be able to thank him enough for changing me. Thanks to him, I had the courage to leave my life, my husband and to win back that inner fire I've been missing for so long. He broke me but made me stronger. And seeing him as broken as I am on stage, the only thing I want is to save him. To drag his ass to rehab and to tell him he's gonna be okay.
The four guys on stage are giving all their best to please their audience. And it's a success. The students are clapping and jumping, singing even if they don't know the songs, but mostly they're screaming at Jace. Wearing a suit and a tie, with his guitar, his earrings, his long blond hair completely wild, and the sweat running on his face, he's the epitome of the rock star. He's screaming and swearing, exhaling that bad boy attitude which makes him so attractive to his female fandom.
"You can go in front of the stage you know,instead of babysitting me", I chuckle. Maia is standing in front of her chair, going completely crazy at each new song.
"I know, but I'm good here. I didn't know they were so amazing. You told me about it but really, they're very talented."
After a traditional British dinner, the round tables of the students have been pushed to the side of the ballroom to create a dancefloor in front of the stage, where all the students are gathered right now. We teachers managed to keep a table at the back to rest a bit while the kids are enjoying themselves and it's from there we are watching the performance.
"I know. They deserve more recognition."
"Are you gonna talk to him after?" Maia asks.
"I'm not sure I can. I'm not strong enough to be alone with him."
"What are you afraid of ? It's the best way to finally talk and get some closure."
Sighing, I turn my head towards the stage and lock my eyes with the blonde god on stage. "Maybe I don't want closure. Maybe it's better like that. If I get some closure, if he says the words, my heart will break again."
I feel her determined eyes burning on my face and I know what she's gonna tell me. She's as team Jace as I am.
"Then talk to him. Work together to make things better. You can't both stay in this limbo. I know he's not doing relationship for now, and that's he's as broken as you are. But you should both try at least to heal each other. You're the only one who can help him, Clary. And even if I'm doing what I can to support you, he's the only one who can lift you up. And besides... I'd really like you to introduce me to that cute bassist on the stage."
A smile appears on my face before I start laughing. She's not lying, she looks completely smitten, watching Jordan doing his thing on stage. But soon, the boys are putting back their instruments on their stand and wave at the crowd before leaving the stage and heading backstage. Only Jace remains in the room, taking an acoustic guitar from the side of the stage. George quickly brings a stool where Jace sits, after putting his suit jacket and tie on the floor and rolling up the sleeves of his white crisp shirt. The moment he opens up the first two buttons and the tattoos on his chest come into view, the screams erupt. I knew teenage girls could be loud, but I have the evidence in front of my eyes. The smirk on his face proves he knows the effect he has on women, but he doesn't play cocky and stays quiet while he's tuning his guitar.
"So guys, I hope you're having a good night."
Screams are getting even louder if that's possible and some I love you burst out from the four corners of the room.
"Well well, it's an amazing night for us too, but our show is coming to an end sadly. Before giving you back the dancefloor until the end of the night, I have one more song to perform for you. I'd like to thank you all for all the amazing texts I got. You've put all your energy and emotions in those lyrics and I was overwhelmed reading them. Anyway, I particularly connected with one of these texts and finished it as promised. Please be kind, as it's never been played elsewhere than in my living room."
And with just his guitar and his voice a bit raspy, he utters the first words and my breath hitches in my throat.
On the verge of no return, why'd you keep fucking it up?
Don't wanna have to bury you, but nothing seems to get through your skull
One day the only butterflies left will be in your chest
As you march towards your death, breathing your last breath
I hate to say, "I told you so", but look how the bruises show
Tell me, how's it gonna feel without my arms wrapped around, wrapped around you?
Bet it feels pretty real when your skin starts to peel from the bone
You were dead to the world, now I'm dead to you
Haunting your own house, nothing to lose
How did I let you sink your fangs so deep?
You know you can't breathe on your own
He chose my lyrics. I wasn't even aware they would get to him. During the workshop, Maia decided to play along and bugged me until I agreed to do it as well. She's the only one to know I've been writing for years now, mainly poems and short stories. I've never felt confident enough to have them published or even to show them to someone else. So the exercise was quite easy for me and I poured all my feelings of the last months in my words. But I didn't know George would send our lyrics to hearing the words as he's singing them, I realise how broken we both are, me through my words, him through his voice. But when he begins singing what he wrote after, it's obvious we somehow connected through that song.
Past the point of rescuing, why'd I keep pushing my luck?
The hole I wore into your soul has got too big to overlook
One day the only butterflies left will be in our chests
As we march towards our death, breathing our last breath
I thought we had a future, but we ain't got a chance in hell
So tell me, how's it gonna feel without my arms wrapped around, wrapped around you?
Bet it feels pretty real when your skin starts to peel from the bone
You were dead to the world, now I'm dead to you
Haunting your own house, nothing to lose
I let you sink your fangs so deep,
You know I can't breathe on my own
How can I breathe on my own?
Maia's hand grasps mine and squeezes it. One look at her face and I understand that her emotion is as big as mine, with her eyes watery while my tears are slowly running along my cheeks. I don't want to decipher too much in his words or I would believe he had expectations for us. I would believe we had a chance of a future. But it's just a song. Words are being put together to rhyme and form a melody. I know that.
And suddenly the silence. One final chord and Jace remains sitting still, his face low, watching the floor, while his breath is the only faint sound audible. The emotion is palpable in the crowd, faint murmurs being heard here and there. A few students are quietly crying. Standing, he thanks the assembly with a small nod and a wave and leaves the stage quickly. Maia asks me if I'm okay, rubbing her hand along my back. Taking a deep breath, I tell her I'm gonna take a break outside to smoke a cigarette. I need to be alone for a bit, to process what's just happened. She understands and makes me promise to look out for her if I need it.
I let the smoke fly into my throat and through my nose, staring at the full moon in the dark skies. My heart is slowing getting back to its normal race, my breath is getting steadier.
"Do you mind if I keep you company?"
I smile to the man disrupting my smoke. "Not at all, but I'm sure you're not a smoker."
He engulfs me in a comforting hug, letting his hands stroke my back in the process. I've always liked Alec. He exhales kindness and tenderness. He's always been protective of me since the first day I met him after the show in London.
"How are you?"
"I'm fine."
"How are you really, Clary? I already have someone constantly lying to me about his condition, I don't need to hear lies from you either." He sighs.
Turning towards him, I take a closer look at his face. He looks older than a few months ago, there's dark circles below his eyes on his tired face. I don't know him well but I know his relationship with Jace and how they deeply love each other. He must be worried to death about what he sees every day.
"Physically I'm okay. It takes a few weeks for my body to heal but now I'm good." I see no reason to hide the fact that I've lost the baby, as he has probably been told by his friend. "Other than that, I'm broken. I knew it was gonna end badly but deep down, I had the slightest hope to maybe win his heart and make him change his mind about love and relationship. But it's too late now. It will take time but I hope I'll be whole again in the future."
"I hope too, Clary, you deserve it. Can I ask you a personal question? I know it's not my business but .."
I slightly nod.
"How did you lose the baby?"
A wave of nausea spread through my body. Memories of that night flood in my head. I explain him how I lost my mind seeing all the pictures of Jace and Aline together online, hearing her giggle on the phone while I was trying to talk to him about the baby, realising he must have been in love with her all the time he was seeing me. I explain him how my body broke down with the forces of my screams and how I ended up losing the child I had in me.
"The fucker, I'm gonna kill him," an angry Alec answers, ready to leave. I stop him, grabbing his arm.
"Please, no. Maybe it was meant to be like this. Don't blame him more. There's no point and it won't change anything. I won't lie, it hurts seeing them together but that's how life is supposed to be. They belong to the same world. I don't."
"Why are you still protecting him? He's my friend and I love him dearly but he destroyed your life, Clary."
What he doesn't understand is that we both destroy it. He can be blamed for it but I acknowledge my wrongs too. I should have been more careful, I should have stopped this when I could, when he didn't hold my heart in his hands.
"Because I simply love him. I want to hate him, you don't know how much I want that. But I see who he really is behind the glamour, behind his armour; I know how he deeply suffers and how much help he needs."
Alec explains me how he's constantly trying to make Jace understand he needs help but it's not working. His using has never been that huge and Alec fears that one day it could be fatal. I shiver at the mention of a possible overdose.
"Maybe if you have the occasion tonight, you could speak to him. Maybe you could ask him to seek for help."
"Why would he listen to me? You told me you already tried but it didn't work," I answer.
"Have you listened to the song Clary? To your song ? I'm sure he'll listen to you. He knows you care for him."
From the corner of my eye, I see Maia and George waving at us, asking us to come back inside. It's getting late and the headmaster is supposed to close the ball with a short speech.
"Oh and for the record.. he and Aline are not together. It's not my story to tell, but trust me, they're not a couple."
The speech was short but nice. For a first, the school exchange has been a real success. The headmaster thanked George and I for the organisation of the whole thing and gave a heartfelt shoutout to Jace for participating. From his beaming face and eyes, you can tell how loved and respected Jace is, and how many nice memories he left here. Standing at the far end of the ballroom, he winks at his old teacher, smiling and clapping at the end of the speech.
"Well, our evening is almost over. There's a few dances left before we all go to sleep. Thank you again mrs Verlac for that awesome idea, and see you in a few months in Paris!"
The lights go down again while he's climbing down the stairs of the stage. A slow song begins and a few students go to the dancefloor to enjoy those very last moments. Nodding towards the three guys next to the stage, I ask Maia if she wants to come with me say goodbye to the band. She nods with enthusiasm, probably excited to meet them.
As we come closer, huge smiles appear on their face. Even if I don't know Magnus and Jordan as well as Alec, I hug them tightly.
"Guys, this is Maia. Maia is a fellow teacher and dear friend of mine." I say, while they all wave at her. "Maia, this is Alec, who plays guitar. Magnus is the drummer, and that big guy is Jordan, the bassist."
They immediately seem to be drawn to each other, Jordan taking Maia's delicate hand to shake it. Her body angles towards his and they start speaking as if they know each other and nothing else exists.
Alec chuckles quietly next to me. "Luckily you came to introduce her, or Jordan would have chased her back to France."
"Is it love at first sight?" I wonder aloud.
"Let's see how it evolves, for now they are enjoying each other's presence." He answers, his eyes following them as they are heading to the dancefloor for the last slow dance of this evening, before turning back to Magnus.
I feel him before I hear or see him. His close presence envelops my body with the sweetest warmth, accompanied by light goosebumps on my skin. His extended hand appears in front of me.
"Would you do me the honour of dancing with me?" His sultry voice resonates in me, deep into my limbs. Waiting for my answer, he stares at me, his mouth morphing slowly into a shy smile. "Please" he mouths. If I was reasonable, I'd decline, protecting myself and calling an end to what we have been. But I'm not, and if it's the last occasion I have to talk to him and be in his arms, I'll pathetically seize the chance. I put my hand in his, and he immediately links our fingers while leading me to the dance floor. This gesture sheds some light on the true nature of our relationship to anyone present, and I can see the astonished face of my students, watching us.
As soon as we hit the dance floor, he takes me into his arms, putting his hands around my hips and bringing me closer to his chest. My hands immediately grip the lapels of his suit jacket and I let myself bask one last time in his embrace. Without uttering a single word, he stares into my eyes, trying to read into my soul and making me fell more naked than I was each time we met. We move slowly, enjoying every second of this time together. I allow myself to get lost in the three or four minutes we are gonna spend together and so he does. No word is said, we're hardly breathing. My body against him, I silently enjoy this small moment, relishing the memory of his hard lines against my curves. Time has stopped. There's no one around us. We are here and for the first time in months, I'm whole. In Jace's arms, I feel happy, I feel alive. Moving gently together to the slow beat of the song, I notice his shoulders relaxing and I feel like maybe, we were meant to find each other; even though we may be wrong for each other, even though it was written we would break each other, we also have the power to heal one another, as Maia told me earlier. We have the power of making the other complete.
As if the realisation of what we were and what we could have been hits him too, his hands circle my waist and he presses me closer against him. I nuzzle my face in the crook of his neck and my fingers tangle in his soft hair at the base of his skull. There's only the music and his soft breath near my ears. I don't care what the people around us will think, our intimacy clearly displayed in the eyes of the world. In this moment, I know only one thing. I love him and despite everything that happened, I'd give everything to make him mine again. But before that, he must seek help. My earlier conversation with Alec comes into my mind again.
Without looking up at him, I ask "How are you?"
He breathes deeply. "I'm okay, I think. I don't know, to be honest."
"How broken are you ?" I make myself clear.
He cups my cheek gently, making me look at him. He smiles but his smile doesn't reach his eyes, and he has that soft melancholy on his face, making him more vulnerable ane more lovable.
"I won't pretend I'm as broken as you, Dar... Clary. I haven't lived the same nightmare. But I am not unscathed. I guess that song tells everything about us both."
"We're fucked up,Jace. And you need help."
"What about you?"
"I have all the help I need around me, I have Maia to support me every day. I'm trying to start over. But I am not destroying my life like you are destroying yours."
He tries to cut me off but I put one finger on his lips to stop him. "I know your ways of dealing with pain and anger. I saw you when you almost lost it, remember. I know the darkness is appealing, I know how easy it must be to take substances to forget and feel invincible. But you're destroying who you are and I can't let you do that. Even if we're nothing, I can't lose you too as well."
As soon as I finish talking, he hugs me tightly in his arms, hiding his face in the crook of my neck and in my hair. "We are not nothing Clary, it's just complicated. We met at the wrong moment in the wrong place. If only everything was easier..."
My hands can't help stroking the back of his head, my fingers massaging his scalp. He smells so good, all Jace, his usual perfume and cigarette and beer. I haven't forgotten he's not mine and he belongs to another woman, but I can't help inhaling his skin one last time.
"But unfortunately it's not easy, and what you need now is to focus on yourself, Jace. Don't lose yourself into the darkness. Seek help. If it's not for me, do it for Alec, for your parents, for your loved ones."
He doesn't answer, but he doesn't loosen his grip around me, expressing with his body what he can't say aloud. Every feather touch of his fingers on my back says "I promise". Every breath he takes in my neck tells "I'll try'. Every step he makes, following the beat of the song, declares""I'll get better".
And in front of his vulnerability, I realise that even if I'll never forget what happened, I forgive him.
"You know I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you anyhow
And I don't care
If you don't want me
I'm yours right now
I put a spell on you
Because you're mine"
Lyrics courtesy and BMTH feat Amy Lee for "One day the butterflies" and Nina Simone for "I put a spell on you".
This chapter was huge and emotional to write, so I'll gladly appreciate your reviews.
Finally, our lovebirds talked. Do you think Jace will seek help ? Will they be able to save what's left bewteen them ?