Sam was in the library, a glass of whisky in hand when Castiel joined him. He wasn't too surprised to see Cas without his brother. "Dean?"

"He's trying to sleep."

"Sure." Sam snorted.

"Yeah." Cas said softly. They were both well aware Dean was just retreating behind a wall.

"You just missed Kevin." Sam finished his drink, not hesitating to refill it. "He's going to stay out of the bunker for a while. He's a bit shaken up, but he'll be alright."

Cas settled into a chair across the table from the younger hunter. "And you? How are you doing, Sam?"

Sam gave a short sarcastic laugh. "I'm doing just fantastic."

"Sam-"

"I don't know anymore, man. He's back… that… I mean that's great. But… But what he did-"

"It's a lot."

"That's putting it lightly." Sam shook his head. "I know it wasn't him… not really. But I keep seeing him sink that knife into Kevin's neck, you know?"

Cas nodded silently, wishing he could say something that would actually help bring peace to Sam.

"I just don't know what we do next." Sam emptied his glass again, putting it down and pushing himself to his feet. He thought about it for a second before he grabbed the bottle and started towards his room. He looked back to Cas. "Hey… thanks. For everything."

Cas just gave him another silent nod, watching the younger Winchester retreat to safety. Once again the seraph was left alone with his thoughts.

He managed to repress the urge to go check on Dean, trying to respect his wishes of privacy. For hours he flipped absently through books he'd already picked clean in the vain hope reading them again would yield some revelation on how to remove the mark.

Just before 4 in the morning he decided to retreat to his room. He usually tried to be out of the common areas before Sam woke for his pre-dawn run, letting the hunter go about his morning without feeling a need to socialize.

Cas paused outside his door, noticing it open wider than he remembered leaving it. Inside, half lit from the hallway he could just make out the figure of the older hunter. He turned on the light, watching as Dean blinked at the sudden brightness. Dean was sitting on the ground, back to the tile wall, Paka curled on his lap. He looked up at Cas and then away again, shifting slightly in discomfort at being found. Not that he was exactly hiding.

Cas studied him for a moment, taking in his stiff posture and tense shoulders. The angel hesitated a moment before he walked over, putting his back to the wall and allowing himself to slide down to sit next to Dean. He reached over, presenting his hand for Paka to lean into and invite contact.

Dean absently ran his fingers through the cat's fur.

"Dean-"

"I'm fine, Cas."

Cas observed the hunter for a moment. "You don't have to pretend everything is alright."

"I'm fine." He repeated.

Cas let the silence fall between them. He considered calling him out on the blatant lie but he knew that would accomplish nothing but pushing him further away. His mind flipped through a thousand things he might say, searching for anything that would be appropriate. His mind kept turning through the events, the emotions he felt threatening to overtake him. "Well I'm not."

Dean's eyes snapped up, meeting the angel's for the first time. He studied Cas' rapidly deteriorating facade and gently shoved Paka off his lap. He pushed himself to his feet offering his hand to Cas. "Come on."

"Where?"

"Somewhere the walls aren't closing in, come on."

Cas took his hand, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet. He followed the hunter out of the bunker and into the car, feeling an uncomfortable mixture of feelings as they headed out onto the open road under the barest hints of morning light. He didn't ask where they were going, only tried to calm his racing mind and focus on the moving scenery around him.

Dean pulled off the road into a clearing overlooking a large field when the barely cresting sun threatened to blind them as they sailed down flat and empty Kansas highways. Beyond the wheat, the horizon was just starting to glow with brilliant oranges and deep purples as the sun continued its ascent into the sky.

Dean looked at Cas, watching him crumble, and turned in his seat. In a role reversal from months ago he pulled the angel against him, resting him onto his own chest and wrapping an arm around him. "Talk to me."

Cas was surprised by the offer. By the invitation of contact and comfort. By everything. He tensed, considering lying, considering burying it deep and away. But Dean was here, and was Dean again, and he felt himself cave to the request. "Every time I close my eyes… I see you… I feel your bones break under my fist. I feel your ribs shatter. I feel-" Cas took a deep breath. "I can feel myself kill you over and over again."

"You saved Sam. You saved Kevin. You protected my family. And I'm fine."

"You're not fine." Cas replied bitterly.

"I'm alive."

"I'm sorry Dean."

"You have nothing to apologize for." Dean insisted firmly. "I'm sorry." He too tried to focus on the sunrise through the windshield, hoping the calm and familiar environment would provide some slight comfort to them both. "For everything that happened in that hotel."

Cas considered this, knowing what Dean was actually apologizing for. He felt a complex stirring of emotion at the thought. But his mind then returned to the moment Dean arrived from his slaughter on the Cape, soaked with blood, a wild spark in his black eyes. He shuddered at the thought, finding his mind spiraling once again. He was brought back when the strong arms around him hugged tighter.

Cas realized in that moment that Dean needed this. He needed to be the protector. To shift his focus to Cas for a moment. To give himself a break from sinking under the weight of his own unimaginable burdens. And Cas stopped trying to keep the barrier up. He let the tears fall, wrapping his arms up around the hunter and holding on as if his life depended on it. Dean in turn held tighter, the two clinging to each other in desperate solidarity.

"Cas, I'm so sorry." He whispered brokenly.

Cas didn't respond, just clung tighter and waited through the emotions that threatened to choke him.

.

Almost an hour later, the sun had well cleared the horizon, shining down on the black car and the figures leaning back against the hood. The morning breeze ran over them, bringing just a touch of chill to the warm sunlight. They both sat apart, their eyes searching the field in front of them for something, anything to take their focus.

"You were dead." Cas said at last, his voice barely above a whisper. He didn't trust himself to be louder than that yet. "I broke the tablet, and you were already dead."

Dean looked up at Cas, but didn't interrupt him. He waited for him to continue.

"He told me, Metatron. I didn't believe him. I called your phone and Sam answered. I killed him without even thinking about it." He shuddered. "I helped Sam carry your body back to your room." He took another breath. "You were just dead. And then, the mark brought you back."

The hunter turned his gaze back towards the field, listening closely and trying to find something he could say.

"I didn't think I'd see you again. My grace was so weak, I was just trying to find a lead, anything to leave Sam with, so he could find you, bring you back. I never thought I'd get to-"

"Crowley told me you were dying." Dean looked back towards the angel. "Just some offhand mention while he was warning me Sam was only two bars behind us. I left, found the hotel." His voice faltered slightly as he thought about everything that happened at the hotel.

"And then you found me."

"Cas… I'm so sorry." He repeated, before continuing. "Hannah… Erelah… the others."

"I know."

"And…"

"I know." Cas took another deep shaky breath. He managed a weak smile. "I'm sorry for…" He paused, recalling the exact phrase. "cold-cocking you after sex."

Dean's cheeks reddened and he put his hand over his face, remembering saying that to Cas in the car. "Jesus."

Dean's reaction helped break a bit of the tension and Cas felt just a little better.

The hunter was silent for a while, considering if he was willing to talk at all. His instinct was to bury this under layers of denial and whiskey, but he had been trying to do better. To trust Cas. To allow himself to open up to someone. "I didn't expect to care about you."

Cas turned his attention to Dean. He tilted his head, waiting for him to continue.

"After I left, I thought I could cut ties. Just move on, maybe help Crowley rule over hell. Maybe just do my own thing, but it felt freeing. Not caring."

"You've spent your entire life prioritizing others over your own happiness."

"Yeah." Dean replied weakly. He cleared his throat. "When Crowley said you were going to die soon, it hurt. As much as I wanted to ignore it… to ignore you, I couldn't let you die."

"Dean-"

The hunter's voice lowered, and the urgency in which he spoke did not go unnoticed. "Cas, you have to promise me. If I go too far, if… if I...you gotta take me out."

"What do you-"

"Any way you can. I cannot become that thing again."

"It won't come to that." Castiel tried to sound more sure than he felt, but one look at Dean's face and he knew it wasn't working.

"Cas… so many people are dead because of me. When I broke in hell, I took comfort knowing the souls at least were meant to be there. But thousands more are dead now, at my hands. I can remember every second, Cas. I can hear the screams, see the fire, taste the blood." He closed his eyes, shuddering involuntarily.

The angel reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, but Dean moved back, dodging the comfort.

"Cas… I don't know how to move forward with those memories. With knowing what I did."

"It wasn't really you."

"That doesn't make it any better."

Cas studied the hunter. He considered his words carefully before speaking again. "You forgave Sam. After his part in starting the apocalypse."

"Ruby was manipulating him."

"And you were being corrupted by the mark. A mark that you only took to protect your family."

"Cas-"

"You forgave me. After I worked with Crowley to open purgatory. After I killed hundreds on earth, thousands in heaven. After I broke the barriers to Sam's mind and let loose the Leviathan on the world. You forgave me."

"Cas, that's not-"

"You have such a capacity for forgiveness, can you not spare any for yourself?"

Dean didn't have an answer. He looked back at Cas, anguish reflected in his eyes.

"I wish I knew how to help ease your burden. You don't deserve this pain." He looked Dean in the eyes as the hunter got ready to object. "You don't."

Dean turned his attention back in front of them. He felt that familiar voice in the back of his head, telling him to run. To escape. Or get ready to fight his way out. He was having a hard time fighting the instincts he had needed to keep him alive all these years. He tried to remind himself. Right here, right now, he was safe. Running wasn't an option.

"Dean… I forgive you." He watched Dean flinch at his words. "I know I cannot grant absolution for all the events of the past weeks, but I can at least forgive you for the parts involving me." He ignored the ache in his chest that longed to reach out to the hunter, knowing Dean's mind was far too volatile to allow contact again so soon. "And I do forgive you."

"You shouldn't."

"That's not your call." Cas said firmly.

"Cas, I don't know how to-"

"We'll figure it out." he said with an unmistakable note of finality. Cas set his jaw, hoping to project confidence. Confidence enough to outweigh the doubt coursing through the hunter's mind. Confidence enough to carry them both through this ordeal. He settled back in his place, looking once more back over the Kansas landscape before them.

We'll figure it out. We have to.