Chapter 43.

Sarah sat at the kitchen table and smiled at Jack. "I should tell you," she said quietly, "I worked out what happened. Jules didn't tell me, but when I guessed, she confirmed it. Our dear, foolish angel offered himself for your life."

Jack gulped. "Have you told ... "

"No. And I won't, unless I have to in order to save him. I don't need more information from you, either. I know it must hurt to think of it."

"I hate that it happened. I hate that I couldn't do anything to stop it." said Jack "But Jules and I plan to fix it."

"Well, now you have me on the team too. I'm no expert on all this dimensional and celestial whosaflip, but I'm a big reader and I have time on my hands, so throw some research my way."

"The problem so far is that almost nobody knows the Empty exists." said Jack, "And I managed to reach him there before, but I have no idea how. There may be no way to reach it and no weapon that can harm it, but if there is anything, we'll find it."

"Jack, I believe we can and will save him. For now, we need to stop this secret from driving him and the Winchesters apart."

"And we need to get him back together with Jules." said Jack.

"If we can, but Jules is a little unsure about that. The happiness clause has her scared. The success of their relationship could trigger his collection by you-know-what."

"Yes, but without her, he'll feel like he's already there."

"I agree. It's a difficult situation. At least you don't have to lie to me about it. That's something."

He smiled. "Yes, it is."

He went on making the coffee for a while. It reminded Sarah of Castiel, the way he found comfort in performing small, domestic tasks, showing his love for his family in acts of simple service. As he put the cups on a tray, he said to her, "Why do you think he went to Rowena?"

"Desperation." said Sarah, "He was never comfortable around her. If he sought her out, it's because she was the only one who could provide what he needed."

"It's not sex." said Jack, "Castiel would never be unfaithful to Jules."

"No, I didn't think so for a moment." said Sarah, "Dean's clutching at straws. He doesn't want to think about what magical work Castiel may seek help with."

"Do you think he knows? Even if he doesn't know he knows?" said Jack. She was always surprised by his insight.

"I think he senses a lot more than he'll admit to himself, especially where Sam and Castiel are involved. He knows there's something terrible at the heart of this. That's why he's getting so angry."

Jack nodded. "I wish Castiel could understand that yelling is how Dean shows love. All he hears is that Dean thinks he's stupid and useless and those are two things he's already afraid that he is."

Sarah found the cookie jar. "We need to give them lots of chocolate chips, I think."

"Why does Castiel only hear the bad?" said Jack.

"Because from Heaven, he never got anything else. A dog that's trained with beatings doesn't understand kindness. You have to teach it and that takes time and love and any time you raise your voice, you take the poor creature right back to square one."

"So if Dean can't stop calling him stupid ... "

"Dean's a beaten dog too. Don't blame him for what he can't help. Just like Castiel, he's always known he's either perfect or worthless and nobody can be perfect." She gave Jack a cookie. "You need chocolate too."

He took it and took a large bite. "Thanks, Sarah."

"I know it seems like Dean is stuck in old patterns, but he's defeating them. Every time he pulls back from anger, every apology, every time he tells the truth about his fears, his love and his guilt, he's taking a step forward and he takes Castiel with him. The progress he's made just in the time I've known him is incredible."

"But he keeps on going back to yelling."

"It's been his default for a long time. Look at how many times he's stopped himself. The problem is, every time he yells at Castiel, he knows how it's hurting him and guilt is never an encourager of growth. Guilt makes him retreat behind his walls again. Guilt tells him he's bad and a bad person can't change and become better."

"But he's better than anyone."

"Yes. We can see that. Of course, he's the man he is because he holds himself to the highest standards and hates himself when he falls short. He, Castiel and Sam all share the same attitude. Each can see the folly of it in the others."

"When Castiel gets home, there's likely to be a fight. They'll say all the wrong things."

"Yes and kick off each other's insecurities and abandonment issues. Worse, Dean is half-convinced Castiel wants to leave and Castiel is half-convinced Dean wants him to."

"So what do we do?" said Jack, "Because either of them could storm out and neither would be easy to find or bring home."

Sarah was impressed. His traumatic resurrection was recent enough that nobody, including her, would expect anything of him, but his love for them wouldn't let him ride the pine. "We try to prevent that." she said, "If possible, we keep them in the same room and ride out the storm together. If we can get them through the shouting, we can mitigate the effects on both."

"Castiel is most vulnerable." said Jack.

"On this occasion, yes. We have one advantage. Dean knows that too. He will be fighting his own temper this time. That stubborn strength of his will be working with us."

Jack grinned. "Then we can't lose. Nothing can stand against Dean, not even Dean himself."

"Always remember, dearest Jack, the battle isn't over until our side wins."

"Tell Jules that, please, as often as she needs to hear it. She must feel so alone."

"She knows she has you and me, Jack. I know she was afraid she'd lose you."

"That'll never happen. She's my stepmother."

"You've become the heart of this family, my bright little nephilim."

"Dean called me the Anti-Lucifer." said Jack proudly.

"And so you are!" she said, "You keep on loving all of them. You have no idea how powerful that is."

"If I'd never been born, though ... "

"Jack, don't ever think like that. Nobody else does. Your existence is a blessing to all of us. Whatever the cost, we are glad you're with us."

"But if the cost is Castiel ... "

"Then he thinks it worth paying." she said.