On Begged and Borrowed Time Chapter 38, a twilight fanfic

Bella's Journal

This is Me Trying

I've been having a hard time adjusting
I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting
I didn't know if you'd care if I came back
I have a lot of regrets about that
Pulled the car off the road to the lookout
Could've followed my fears all the way down
And maybe I don't quite know what to say
But I'm here in your doorway

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

They told me all of my cages were mental
So I got wasted like all my potential
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad
I have a lot of regrets about that
I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere
Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

At least I'm trying

And it's hard to be at a party
When I feel like an open wound
It's hard to be anywhere these days
When all I want is you
You're a flashback in a film reel
On the one screen in my town

And I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying, maybe I don't quite know what to say
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

At least I'm trying

Cruel Summer

Fever dream high in the quiet of the night
You know that I caught it
Bad, bad boy
Shiny toy with a price
You know that I bought it

Killing me slow, out the window
I'm always waiting for you to be waiting below
Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes
What doesn't kill me makes me want you more

And it's new, the shape of your body
It's blue, the feeling I've got
And it's...
It's a cruel summer
It's cool, that's what I tell 'em
No rules in breakable heaven
But...
It's a cruel summer
With you

Hang your head low
In the glow of the vending machine
I'm not dying
You say that we'll just screw it up in these trying times
We're not trying

So cut the headlights, summer's a knife
I'm always waiting for you just to cut to the bone
Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes
And if I bleed, you'll be the last to know

Oh, it's new, the shape of your body
It's blue, the feeling I've got
And it's...
It's a cruel summer
It's cool, that's what I tell 'em
No rules in breakable heaven
But...
It's a cruel summer
With you

I'm drunk in the back of the car
And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar
Said I'm fine, but it wasn't true
I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you
And I snuck in through the garden gate
Every night that summer just to seal my fate
And I screamed for whatever it's worth
"I love you, " ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?
He looks up grinning like a devil

It's new, the shape of your body
It's blue, the feeling I've got
And it's...
It's a cruel summer
It's cool, that's what I tell 'em
No rules, in breakable heaven
But...
It's a cruel summer
With you

Holy Ground

I was reminiscing just the other day
While having coffee all alone and Lord, it took me away
Back to a first-glance feeling on Washington time
Back when you fit in my poems like a perfect rhyme
Took off faster than a the green light, go
Hey, you skip the conversation when you already know
I left a note on the door with a joke we'd made
And that was the first day

And darlin', it was good
Never lookin' down
And right there where we stood
Was holy ground

Spinnin' like a girl in a brand new dress
We had this big wide city all to ourselves
We blocked the noise with the sound of "I need you"
And for the first time I had something to lose
And I guess we'll fall apart in the unusual way
And the story's get dust on every page
But sometimes I wonder how you think about it now
And I see your face in every crowd

'Cause darlin', it was good
Never lookin' down
And right there where we stood
Was holy ground

Tonight we're gonna dance
For all that we've been through
But I don't wanna dance
If I'm not dancing with you
Tonight I'm gonna dance
Like you were in this room
But I don't wanna dance
If I'm not dancing with you

It was good
Never lookin' down
And right there where we stood
Was holy ground

Lay Me Down

Yes, I do, I believe
That one day I will be where I was
Right there, right next to you
And it's hard, the days just seem so dark
The moon, and the stars are nothing without you
Your touch, your skin, where do I begin?
No words can explain the way I'm missing you
Deny this emptiness, this hole that I'm inside
These tears, they tell their own story

Told me not to cry when you were gone
But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong
Can I lay by your side, next to you? You
And make sure you're alright
I'll take care of you
And I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight

I'm reaching out to you
Can you hear my call, boy?
This hurt that I've been through
I'm missing you, I'm missing you like crazy, you

Can I lay by your side? Next to you, to you
And make sure you're alright
I'll take care of you
And I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight

Oh, lay me down tonight
Lay me by your side, whoa
Lay me down tonight
Lay me by your side
Can I lay by your side? Next to you, you

I'll Never Love Again

Wish I could, I could've said goodbye
I would've said what I wanted to
Maybe even cried for you
If I knew it would be the last time
I would've broke my heart in two
Tryna save a part of you

Don't wanna feel another touch
Don't wanna start another fire
Don't wanna know another kiss
No other name fallin' off my lips
Don't wanna give my heart away
To another stranger
Or let another day begin
Won't even let the sunlight in
No, I'll never love again
I'll never love again

When we first met
I never thought that I would fall
I never thought that I'd find myself
Lying in your arms, mm, mm
And I wanna pretend that it's not true
Oh, baby, that you're gone
'Cause my world keeps turnin', and turnin', and turnin'
And I'm not movin' on

I don't wanna know this feelin'
Unless it's you and me
I don't wanna waste a moment, ooh
And I don't wanna give somebody else the better part of me
I would rather wait for you,

Don't wanna feel another touch
Don't wanna start another fire
Don't wanna know another kiss
Baby, unless they are your lips

Don't wanna give my heart away
To another stranger
Don't let another day begin
Won't let the sunlight in
Oh, I'll never love again
Never love again
Never love again
Oh, I'll never love again

My Tears Ricochet

We gather here, we line up
Weepin' in a sunlit room, and
If I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes too
Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe
All the hell they gave me?
'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you
'Til my dying day

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace
And you're the hero flying around, saving face
And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?
Cursing my name, wishing I stayed
Look at how my tears ricochet

We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean
Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring
You know I didn't want to have to haunt you
But what a ghostly scene
You wear the same jewels that I gave you
As you bury me

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace
'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave
And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?
Cursing my name, wishing I stayed
Look at how my tears ricochet

And I can go anywhere I want
Anywhere I want, just not home
And you can aim for my heart, go for blood
But you would still miss me in your bones
And I still talk to you when, I'm screaming at the sky
And when you can't sleep at night, you hear my stolen lullabies

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace
And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves
You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same
Cursing my name, wishing I stayed
You turned into your worst fears

And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain
Crossing out the good years
And you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed
Look at how my tears ricochet

Death By A Thousand Cuts

Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts
Flashbacks waking me up
I get drunk, but it's not enough
'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby
I look through the windows of this love
Even though we boarded them up
Chandelier's still flickering here
'Cause I can't pretend it's ok when it's not
It's death by a thousand cuts

I dress to kill my time
I take the long way home
I ask the traffic lights if it'll be all right
They say "I don't know"
And what once was ours is no one's now
I see you everywhere
The only thing we share
Is this small town

You said it was a great love
One for the ages
If the story's over
Why am I still writing pages?

Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts
Flashbacks waking me up
I get drunk, but it's not enough
'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby
I look through the windows of this love
Even though we boarded them up
Chandelier still flickering here
'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not
It's death by a thousand cuts

My heart, my hips, my body, my love
Trying to find a part of me that you didn't touch
Gave up on me like I was a bad drug
Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club
Our songs, our films, united we stand
Our country, guess it was a lawless land
Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand
Paper cut stings from our paper thin plans
My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust
Trying to find a part of me you didn't take up
Gave you too much but it wasn't enough
But I'll be all right, it's just a thousand cuts

I get drunk but it's not enough
'Cause you're not my baby
I look through the windows of this love
Even though we boarded them up
Chandelier's still flickering here
'Cause I can't pretend it's ok when it's not
No, it's not
It's death by a thousand cuts
Trying to find a part of me that you didn't touch
My body, my love
My trust
But it wasn't enough, it wasn't enough, no, no

I take the long way home
I ask the traffic lights if it'll be all right
They say "I don't know"

Willow

I'm like the water when your ship rolled in that night
Rough on the surface but you cut through like a knife
And if it was an open-shut case
I never would've known from that look on your face
Lost in your current like a priceless wine
The more that you say
The less I know
Wherever you stray
I follow
I'm begging for you to take my hand
Wreck my plans
That's my man

Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind (oh)
Head on the pillow, I could feel you sneaking in
As if you were a mythical thing
Like you were a trophy or a champion ring
And there was one prize I'd cheat to win
The more that you say
The less I know
Wherever you stray
I follow
I'm begging for you to take my hand
Wreck my plans
That's my man
You know that my train could take you home
Anywhere else is hollow
I'm begging for you to take my hand
Wreck my plans
That's my man

Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind
They count me out time and time again
Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind
But I come back stronger than a 90's trend

Wait for the signal and I'll meet you after dark
Show me the places where the others gave you scars
Now this is an open-shut case
Guess I should've known from the look on your face
Every bait and switch was a work of art

The more that you say
The less I know
Wherever you stray
I follow
I'm begging for you to take my hand
Wreck my plans
That's my man
You know that my train could take you home
Anywhere else is hollow
I'm begging for you to take my hand
Wreck my plans
That's my man

The more that you say
The less I know
Wherever you stray
I follow
Begging for you to take my hand
Wreck my plans
That's my man
You know that my train could take you home
Anywhere else is hollow
Begging for you to take my hand
Wreck my plans
That's my man

Hey, that's my man
That's my man
Yeah, that's my man
Every bait and switch was a work of art
That's my man
Hey, that's my man
I'm begging for you to take my hand
Wreck my plans
That's my man

Rainbow

When it rain it pours
But you didn't even notice
It ain't rainin' anymore
It's hard to breathe when all you know is
The struggle of
Staying above
The rising water line

Well, the sky has finally opened
The rain and wind stopped blowin'
And you're stuck out in the same old storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella
But, darling, I'm just tryin' to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head

If you could see what I see
You'd be blinded by the colours
Yellow, red and orange and green
And at least a million others
So tie up the boat
Take off your coat
And take a look around

'Cause the sky has finally opened
The rain and wind stopped blowin'
And you're stuck out in the same old storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella
But, darling, I'm just tryin' to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head

There's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head

It'll all be alright

King Of My Heart

I'm perfectly fine, I'm good on my own
I made up on my mind, I'm better off bein' alone
We met a few weeks ago
Now you try on callin' me, baby, like tryin' on clothes

So prove to me I'm your American Queen
And you move to me like I'm a Motown beat
And we rule the kingdom inside my room
'Cause all the boys and their expensive cars
With their Range Rovers and their Jaguars
Never took me quite where you do

And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for
King of my heart, body and soul,
And all at once, you are all I want, I'll never let you go
King of my heart, body and soul,

And all at once, I've been waiting, waiting
And all at once, you are the one, I have been waiting, waiting
Body and soul,
And all at once

Late in the night, the city's asleep
Your love is a gift I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep
Change my priorities
The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury

And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for
King of my heart, body and soul,
And all at once, you are all I want, I'll never let you go
King of my heart, body and soul,

And all at once, I've been waiting, waiting
And all at once, you are the one, I have been waiting, waiting
Body and soul,
And all at once

Is the end of all the endings?
My broken bones are mending
With all these nights we're spending
Up on the roof more than a school girl crush
Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff
Baby, all at once, this is enough

And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for
King of my heart, body and soul,
And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for
King of my heart, body and soul,
And all at once, you're all I want, I'll never let you go
King of my heart, body and soul,

And all at once, I've been waiting, waiting
And all at once, you are the one, I have been waiting, waiting
Body and soul,
And all at once