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We don't own the bikes, brothers, or any "related" Sons of Anarchy, trust us, if we did we wouldn't have the time to write. No money is being made from our stories. So, please don't sue. It'd be a fruitless endeavor indeed. That being said, Harley, Journee, and any other newbies are ours, and we don't share. :Whispers in creepy voice: "My precious."
The universe
This reality is a mix of cannon, and our own ideas. We strive to keep the boys cannon, but since we will be shifting around some of the events, that will reflect in our writing and their personalities as well. It's our goal to provide you with quality fiction, and solid, fleshed out OFC.
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A/N:
Telford and I absolutely love Flashbacks! Filling in the history of Lee and Journee and connecting to the canon deeper, what's not to love? So anyways, we really hope y'all enjoy the Memories in this chapter and we would seriously LOVE to hear from you guys! Please feel free to share your thoughts and let us know if you're enjoying the chapters?
Mo Astor Chapter 40
Lee
The Queen has summoned Journee and me to her lair, and like good little princesses, we're coming in during our lunch breaks.
I pause as I walk through the lot and peer up at the roof where Jax is seated on his perch.
The Prince of Charming likes to look down on his future kingdom.
I shield my eyes from the sun and meet his impossibly blue gaze.
Blowing out smoke, he gives me a full-out smile.
I return it with one of my own, wiggling my fingertips.
He must be on lunch break, or he'd never have managed to sneak away during the middle of the day on a Monday.
He jerks his head, gesturing for me to join him.
Shaking my head, I point at the invisible spot where Gemma's stoop is located.
Whether she's visible or not, that woman spies everything that goes on in this place.
He grimaces, nodding his head in understanding before blowing me a sweet kiss.
I laugh and reciprocate the action.
Being one of Gemma's chosen few is a unique experience only understood by those who've undergone it.
She loves all the SONS, but that's not the same as being her kids.
It's a heavy burden to be.
It can be a stifling, isolating, and infuriating connection.
But you're never alone, unloved, or unprotected.
After everything I've seen happen in this life, I've come to appreciate that as an adult.
It was a real fun killer growing up though.
College was a half-lived experience with prospects; Jax and Ope hovering around like terrifying gargoyles.
I miss my brother in everything but name.
While he might be out of prison, he's no longer around.
I can't help but resent Donna for that.
When you marry the man, you also take on the club.
She said she understood that.
She lied.
As I peer up at Jax, I'm reminded of a different time he'd climbed his perch.
One I'd been afraid he'd crash down from, a broken, beaten messed.
*** 15 years ago***
I'm still shaken by the explosion that happened in the clubhouse.
I've seen Journee and Jax fight plenty of times.
As siblings, it's par for the course.
Hell, I've gotten into it with Jax plenty of times myself.
But this was different.
The way he grabbed her and the tone he used still makes me sick to my stomach.
Suddenly, he was too close to being one of the asshole brothers who didn't respect boundaries or women.
He'd gripped her so hard he'd left behind a bruise, and if Chibs hadn't gotten involved, I shudder to think of how much more it would've escalated.
Losing John has fucked with us all, but no one is taking it as hard as Jackson.
With Mama Gem locked away in her own haze of grief and the other brothers in meetings about the future of the charter, the three of us have been left to fend for ourselves.
It's not going well.
Jax has spent most of his time holed up in John's old dorm room he had fitted for us kids growing up.
Drunk on stolen whiskey bottles, Jax refuses to let Journee and me out of his line of sight.
The only time he's surfaced from his cave is when we go to eat, and he gets another bottle.
I understand his need to see we're both whole.
But, coupled with the snapping, snarling, and heavy-handed handling, it's all become too much.
Baby J can take a lot, but his refusal to allow her monthly visit with her mother became the straw that broke the camel's back.
It caught Jax by surprise, and to say he reacted poorly would be an understatement.
Exhaling, I grip the metal poles and begin the ascent.
I make noise, warning him that I'm coming.
I don't think startling him would be wise.
Watching Chibs haul him away, force something down his throat to make him puke his guts up and drag him to the shower will be seared into my brain for the rest of my life.
I reach the top and study Jax, who's huddled in the center of the roof, looking far younger than his fifteen years and incredibly aged at the same time.
I knock on the rooftop lightly.
"Incoming."
He peers up at me with watery, red-rimmed eyes that rip apart my soul.
"I'm surprised you're willing to risk coming up here." He mutters.
I finish climbing up and step onto the roof.
"Figured you'd be cooled down by now."
He blinks.
"Barley had the energy to climb up here."
An uncertain, fear-laced expression flows over his pouty countenance.
"Is she okay?" he whispers.
"She will be. But you really scared her and hurt her."
I swallow.
"And me. You can't ever do that again, Jackson. I didn't recognize you in there. You were looking dangerously close to those monsters we know who masquerade in SONs cuts."
He winces.
"Jesus."
His chest rises and falls rapidly.
He blinks, and his eyes grow glossy.
"I will never ever do that again. I refuse to hurt either of my girls or have them afraid of me." He pushes up to his feet, wobbling as he makes his way toward me like a toddler just learning to walk.
"You believe me, don't you?"
I look into the familiar eyes of the young man I've always seen as my champion and protector.
"I do. But if you ever pull that shit again. We won't be so understanding. Never forget Tig is My Godfather, and Happy is hers. I don't think you want to be dealing with either of them, let alone Menace."
I hate saying it.
But, he needs to know we'll go through the chain of command if necessary.
"You've been out of sorts lately, and we've let things slide. That stops now. 'Cause none of us can continue to live like this. Staying in one place together all the time isn't possible. We have to live our lives."
"God." His voice cracks. "My father would be so ashamed of me right now."
I glance away, unable to deny it when he's right.
John would've kicked his ass.
"Then I guess you'll have to make sure your behavior will make him proud from now on."
"Yeah." He mumbles.
He turns those soft sky-blue gems to peer into mine before he clears his throat.
"Can I…Can I hold you please?"
His voice shakes nervously with the words.
I step forward and open my arms to him.
He immediately wraps me up, holding me too him.
I can practically feel the racing heartbeat through the thin cotton of his shirt.
"There's only a problem when you try to hold on too tight. We love you and trust you. That's why today scared us."
I pull away and cup his face.
"Neither of us is going anywhere, Jackson. Where am I right now?"
"With me."
"And I will always be here when you need me."
My heart aches for him as I move back into the shelter of his arms. He pulls me to him and buries his face in my crown. Our breaths synch as we settle into the moment full of forgiveness and silence.
Present
Just thinking about that day still gives me chills.
That was the day we learned where our boundaries lied.
Jax took it to heart and never spoke to or touched us in such a rough or violent manner.
Thank God.
It was a hidden moment between the four of us.
We didn't want to add to the drama or get Jax in trouble when he was barely hanging on as it was.
In the end, it was a good move.
I continue on into the building where Mama Gemma lays in wait.
I walk into the office and find Journee setting up a soup and salad spread from Hanna's.
"That looks delicious." The scent of potato soup makes my stomach growl.
Gemma rises and opens her arms for a hug.
"Hey, Baby. Thanks for coming." I kiss her cheek.
Like I had a choice.
"Of course, Mama Gem. What's going on?"
She frowns.
"This is about Opie's little twat of a wife." She shakes her head, pulls out a cigarette, and lights up.
Whatever Donna is doing, it's getting under the Queen Bee's skin. That's never a good thing.
"What happened, Ma?" Journee asks as Gemma paces, and I sink into the seat beside her.
She leans in to brush our lips together quickly in welcome.
I press my legs into her as a grounding reminder that whatever craziness we're about to be pulled into, we'll weather it together.
"That bitch is letting Opie work himself to death for no fucking reason at all! He put his time in for the club. We've got his money here, but she refuses to take it. They've got debt out the ass because she's still just as selfish as she always was. I knew nothing good was going to come from this union. I think the Winston's just got busted-ass pickers. Look at Piney." She huffs and takes a long drag to settle her nerves.
I take the chance to start shoveling soup in my mouth.
As soon as she starts to expect a response, my meal will be interrupted and cold by the time she stops her rant.
Journee takes a huge bite of her sandwich.
"What do you want us to do about it?" She asks around her food.
"Journee Sweetheart, Manners."
"I'm starving, and if I wait on you, I might turn into nothing but bones."
"The way your old man goes at it with you-" She nods at Journee. "-You just might."
She cackles and mumbles, Daddy.
Journee ducks her head, and my jaw drops slightly.
"What? I'm pissed at Opie's mess still causing waves." She points her fingers toward us.
"But I'm happy with my girls."
I can't help but preen under her attention.
As much as she gets on my nerves, I crave her affection and approval.
She's wired us all that way.
We're like Pavlov's dog, but with praise instead of the bell.
She nods her head.
"You two are growing up beautifully."
Journee looks at me and mouths, "And following my wishes."
I hide my laugh behind my hand.
"I know I seem hard on you, but one day you two will be running things. I need to know the brothers and this club are going to be in good hands."
"We know," we chime.
She smiles, clearly pleased at our training in action.
"See that you don't forget." She nods.
"Back to the bitch that never should have been. You need to get her to understand now that he's out; things are different. Opie is a legacy. There's no walking away from that. Especially not over pussy. Even if you did marry the owner it's attached to."
"Ma," Journee cries.
"What? Nothing I said there was a lie. You don't need to be together to raise children. They're already used to them being apart. Better to cut the dead branches off the tree before it poisons clear down to the root. We all know Ope is a big old teddy bear. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. I don't want to watch that a second time." She narrows her eyes.
"Do you?"
"Of course not." We say at the same time.
"Good. Then let Donna know, we're not giving up on him. She can get with the program or remove herself from it."
She blows out the smoke.
"Enough about that married gash. Let's talk about more pleasant things."
She tamps out her butt and sits in her office chair, moving the chicken tortilla soup closer.
"Am I expecting any new grandbabies yet?"
She looks from me to Journee.
"Don't look at me. I have an implant." I hold my hands up.
"Traitor," Journee hisses.
"Well, Baby J?" Gemma arches an eyebrow.
Journee stirs her chicken noodle soup. "Not yet."
"I love the sound of yet," Gemma croons.
"You sure are eager for us to get knocked up when you used to tell us to keep our legs shut or their prick wrapped so we didn't have to try to push something the size of a watermelon out of our twat," Journee grumbles.
"That was me trying to square you into being safe, baby. They're worth the temporary pain."
"I notice you didn't say you lied."
"'Cause I wasn't," she deadpans.
I press my thighs together, not eager to get up close and personal with the pain of bearing a child.
"Your pitch leaves much to be desired," Journee says.
"Please. I see the way you look at your old man and how he looks at you. You both got baby fever. It's a matter of time until nature takes its course. I just want to be one of the first to know." She flashes both of us a sharp glance and smiles.
"Lee. How's living with my baby boy going?"
And here we go.
"It's good."
"Make sure you two keep it that way, hmm? A little time together and romance goes a long way."
Jesus Christ, do not try to give me sex tips or talk about lingerie.
"Mmm, hmm." I nod, taking a bite of my sandwich to avoid speaking.
I can't help but feel slightly drained when we leave her office what feels like days later.
I swear she maintains her chaotic energy by sucking it from others like a vampire.
I spot Jax playing a quick game of pool with Juice; and Journee and I turn to make a beeline toward them.
I can't help but think back to the event my mind had fixated on earlier.
*** 15 Years Prior***
"I can't spend another day in this room." Journee hops off the bottom bunk she's claimed for her own.
Jax glances up from his bed across the room. We lost John last week, and he's been in a dark spiral ever since.
He lowers the bottle of Jack he pilfered from the bar, and I cringe.
"The hell you going?" He growls.
The pile of filthy clothes and bottles collection over on his side of the room tells the story.
We've tried to talk him down, but his stubborn ass wants to wallow.
I hate it.
But I can't imagine what it feels like to lose a parent who loved you as hard as he did.
It feels like we'd just started to heal from Tommy, only to be blindsided by this.
Mama Gemma is not doing well.
The club has gone into an endless session of meetings.
People are in and out from different charters as they try to figure out what the new structure is going to look like.
That means we're supposed to stay out of the way.
It also means no one is keeping an eye on us other than the newcomer, Chibs.
His wicked, raw scars and angry disposition provide anything but comfort.
"Away from here." She scoffs.
"And you."
I wince. Watching Jax chase his sorrow down to the bottom of a bottle was old days earlier.
Jax has been riding her ass like she owes him money, taking Gemma's take care of your sister, words to heart.
We're all devastated and trying to deal with the situation in our own way.
John was like the sun.
Not only did we all revolve around him like gravity, but he also lit our way.
With that light snuffed, things have gotten scary and dark quick.
Now it's getting scary.
He snorts.
"That wasn't an answer." His words are slurred.
"We've been trapped in this disgusting room too long. If you want to sit and stew in pain and sorrow, that's your prerogative." Journee rushes across the room, and I hop up. My stomach knots and apprehension keeps me teetering on the edge.
"Jackson," I warn him shaking my head.
He's pushing too hard.
It's like he doesn't realize everyone has a breaking point.
Poking, prodding, and bulldozing eventually backfires.
"You always take her side," he slurs.
Huffing, Journee unlocks the door and steps out.
"Hey! I wasn't done talking to you," Jax barks.
I jump at his deep, guttural tone as he gives chase.
"Jax, you need to calm down." I insist.
"No. I'm in charge." He slams a hand against his chest.
"According to who?" Journee scoffs. "It's the day I see my Mom."
I hiss through my teeth.
The prison is four hours away.
This is one of the things she looks forward to every month.
It's part of her normal schedule to see her mother every third week of the month, like clockwork.
Jax's blue eyes darken frighteningly.
"Over my dead body."
"That can be arranged," she shoots back, cooly.
Doesn't he understand that losing John has made her desperate to see her own flesh and blood?
Even I was hugging my Gran a little tighter these days.
"You're staying right where you are," he says through gritted teeth.
"Where I can keep an eye on you."
"You're not my boss."
"I'm your brother and guardian while Ma is busy. You have a Ma, and she said you need to stay your ass in the clubhouse."
Spinning on her heel, she bares her teeth like a bloody savage. Her jaw sets, and she looks so much like her father it's not funny.
"Jackson." I shake my head.
"Back off."
"No." He waves me off and steps into her face, grabbing her arm.
She cries out and shakes free, shoving him back.
He stumbles.
His nostrils flare.
"Little shit." His tone makes my stomach bottom.
"Stop," I say.
He's too far gone to hear a damn thing I say. Picking the cue ball from the felt, she chucks it at him nailing him in the gut.
He lunges forward.
She dodges his clumsy moves, and he grabs the hem of her shirt.
The momentum rips it, sending her crashing into the pool table.
He doubles over.
"Jaxass!" She screams, a primal war cry.
"I said stop!" I bellow, grabbing a pool stick. I slam the wood against the side of the table, and it snaps.
"What the feck is going on here?" Chibs roars.
"Are ye off yer fecking rocker, Jackie boy?"
I can only imagine what it looks like with me holding two broken ends of a pool stick like I'm a ninja and Journee crazy-eyed with her torn shirt.
"This won't be goin eny further." His brogue is so thick, I can hardly understand him.
"Ye never put yer hands on a woman."
Jax's face turns gray.
He turns and empties his stomach on the floor.
"Aaaah shite." Chibs jumps into action disappearing behind the bar to grab a white first-aid box.
"Not on my fecking watch. We're done doing this destructive dance, boyo. Yew ladies might wanna step outside. This ain't gonna be pretty." We watch silently as he hauls Jax into an upright position in a chair, forces him to drink something foul-looking and smelling.
Chibs shoves a bucket in Jax's hands to catch his puke.
Finding a five-gallon bucket for Jax's bare feet, he piles on ice— Forcing Jax to stay in place with a strong hand on his shoulder.
"Ye might have alcohol poisoning. Bes do as I tell ya."
It's the most disgusting heart-breaking hour I've ever been through.
Chibs continues to replace the melted ice as Jax empties his stomach and Chibs piles cold towels onto his head. When it's all done, Chibs hauls him to a shower in an empty dorm, and Journee quietly returns to the room to clean up after she changes her shirt.
"He's going to need you to keep his head on straight, Lee. You know how he gets. Right now, the best thing I can do is get our living quarters in order."
"Are you okay?"
"No." she sniffles.
"But are any of us right now?"
My lower lip trembles as I hug her.
I don't know what life is going to look like now without John.
His death is already bringing out the worst in us.
Journee
I don't take pleasure in raining on people's parade, but I'll do what's necessary.
Sugarcoating, and dragging things out, isn't good for anyone.
I've always been in a weird sort of limbo with Donna.
I'm not sure if I feel bad for someone who entered into a situation willingly and then decided to bitch about it the entire way through.
Why make yourself and someone else miserable?
It didn't make sense to me.
I wasn't raised to do shit that was counterproductive like that.
Our life is unpredictable enough on its own.
I didn't need to add self-sabotage to that.
I shake my head as I make the familiar drive to Opie's house.
"What's on your mind?" Lee asks.
"How much I don't want to do this," I answer honestly.
Lee sighs. "We have to. You know there's no such thing as being half in and half out."
"I know. I don't want to see Ope hurt, but I'm still pissed at him for the way he did a one-eighty out of nowhere. He saw first-hand what marrying someone who couldn't make it in our life did to a man and his family."
I shake my head.
"Why would he repeat that toxic cycle? Then bring kids into it? They fight more than they do anything else. She didn't divorce him while he was in, but with holding affection, connection, and respect seems worse. I try not to judge her, but, dude, Ope was ours first. You know?"
Lee sighs.
"It's pretty much no contest if we had to choose between them."
"Am I being naïve? I mean, what would you do if Jax got locked up?"
"Write. Visit when I could. Keep the house running, and mess around with you every chance I got." She laughs.
"Same."
"Can't compare a civi to girls like us, babe. We were raised to handle this situation. We know the clubs got our back. We'd be miserable, but we'd keep busy and carry on, knowing they'd be back eventually. Unlike Donna, we wouldn't isolate ourselves."
"No, that's the worst thing you could do." I shake my head.
"Do you think we're ruining his happiness?"
I wrestle with the guilt trying to creep in.
Here I am, a newlywed about to nail a final coffin in a sinking ship of a marriage.
"We've seen them. Neither of them is happy," Lee reaches over and squeezes my hand.
There's a toll for being in the inner circle.
Sometimes you pay it with flesh, but more than likely, it's a chunk of your heart or your soul that's taken as payment.
"Don't get in your head, babe. This is us being real. We're telling her in a friendly way because we both know Gemma won't."
"You're right." I sigh as I pull into the driveway.
"We're merely the messengers."
More often not, those are the people who get shot.
I don't want to lose access to my niece and nephew, but this is a matter of life or death.
Opie shielded her too much from the club.
She doesn't understand what they're capable of.
"However she chooses to play this ain't on us, Nee. We've always been there for the Winston family. If Donna chooses her pride over what's best for her family, it's a decision she has to live with. The dominos are going to fall depending on the direction she pushes them in," Lee says.
"The problem is I get the feeling she's going to choose wrong."
"She always has," Lee whispers.
The front door opens, and Kenny and Ellie run toward us at full speed.
Their joy fills my heart with light.
I love them like they were my own.
There's nothing I wouldn't do for these two.
I'd spend more time with them if Donna allowed it.
Her parents made it clear their help came with rules.
The minute Op got out, and she didn't leave him, they'd cut off funds— Leaving Op to try to shoulder the burden of a shit ton of bills, kids, and her on one paycheck with no help from the club.
Even though he'd earned it.
Climbing out of my car, I hug Kenny to me and sneak my kisses in on his forehead and cheeks while I still can.
He's so close to being too cool to get kisses from his Aunt.
I see Ellie look around as she hugs me.
"Juice isn't with you, is he?"
"No, babe, he's working at the garage." I choke down my laughter.
If I was her age, I'd be in love with Juan Carlos too.
She sighs.
"We never get to see any of the guys at home."
It's not right that she keeps the kids from their family.
They have a group of men who'd love to play Uncle and would've picked up the slack while Op was away.
Not my family, Not my choices.
"Who wants to kick the soccer ball around?" Lee asks.
"Me," the kids cry.
I give her a nod as I walk up to the porch where Donna is still standing in the doorway.
"Why do I get the feeling you didn't come here just to visit?" she asks.
I sight. "We need to talk about Harry."
My use of his given name makes her stand up straight.
"Is he okay?"
I sigh. "No. Harry is not, and we both know it."
"Are you trying to tell me about my husband?" Her eyes flash as her lips form a straight line.
Before marrying Chibs, I would've taken her shit, but now I'm not feeling it.
"First of all, I've known him for way longer, and I've seen him far more over the past five years, so let's not play that game."
"I had children to take care of. You don't understand what that's like."
This was her ace in the hole.
She's always used this excuse, and the I'm married, you girls wouldn't understand card when it came to Lee and me.
It's why we never got close to her.
She was forever throwing up barriers between us, and we had very little in common other than love for our brother.
"Your marriage is new and fresh. Just wait—."
"Nah. We ain't going down that road. Ain't no comparison. I love my man, and I love his club. I understand what it means to be loyal and to have those who are loyal to me. Samcro will always have its members back. You chose to be the estranged family too high up in the tower to touch. That flew for the past five years. But now that Harry is out, there are expectations. Whether you allow him to take the money that's rightfully his, by the way, or not. He doesn't get to pick and choose. And if you're out. That means you leave, period. You relocate and never come back after some very painful dismissal processes. You think he's going to do that? SONS is in his blood. It's literally his legacy, founded on the back of Piney. Keep playing this game, and you won't have a husband because he'll be six feet deep."
She gasps.
"You know me, I ain't never been anything but straight with you. He's twisted himself up in knots over you, Donna. Why was that never enough? I'll let my brother make his own mistakes, but I'd never let him get himself killed. So, you got two choices. Get with the program, or remove yourself from it."
I step away from her to walk toward the backyard and pause on the top stairs of the porch.
"And Donna?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't ever try to talk shit about my marriage or Chibs again. It pisses me off, and you really don't want to see that side of me." I smile sweetly as I make my way to the backyard, better for all the shit I just got off my chest.
I've been biting my tongue raw over the years.
Now's the time to let it all hang out, and leave before she can try to gather a pitiful come back.