trigger warning

Chapter Forty-Four: My Lips, You Idiot

"Do you ever think about what happens when you die?" asked Remus thoughtfully, looking up at the starry ceiling.

Sirius looked down at Remus, where he lay with his head in Sirius's lap. "No, not really."

"I wonder what happens. I wonder whether there's some afterlife, either heaven or hell, or something completely different. I wonder if it's black and there's nothing, or if you just cease to be."

Sirius looked mildly concerned, but didn't say anything.

"And, like, once you die, you're dead. There's no coming back. Even if you sort of come back, you never really do. Like an Infernus. They're just reanimated corpses. They might seem sort of alive, but they aren't. They're still dead. Or the legend of the Resurrection Stone. It brings your loved ones back, but they aren't really back. Death is the only that's final. There's no coming back."

"Are you ok, Remy?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"You won't do anything stupid?"

"I won't."

Sirius still looked a little bit worried. "You're not- you're not thinking about doing anything, are you?"

"No."

"Promise me that you'll tell me if you are? Please?"

"I promise."

It sounded truthful enough, and Sirius didn't want to push too much. Remus was still struggling, he knew that. But he was finally getting the help that he needed. He didn't know what went on in Remus's therapy sessions, but it was infinitely better than nothing.

The pair had formed a habit of going to the Room of Requirement pretty often, either when Remus needed to get away from everyone, or when they just wanted to be alone together. It was nice and peaceful, and they both loved it. The Room was always what they needed at the time, even if they didn't know what exactly it was that they did need.

Sirius was playing with Remus's hair. He was sitting on the floor, leaning against a bean bag chair. Remus lay next to him, his head in Sirius's lap, looking up at the ceiling, through which they could see the clear night sky, with all of the stars.

Remus pointed at one particularly bright star. "There you are, Siri," he said, smiling.

Sirius laughed, bending down to kiss Remus on the cheek. Remus sat up, frowning. "You missed."

"What?"

"You missed."

"Missed what?"

"My lips, you idiot," laughed Remus, tackling Sirius.

They rolled over backwards. Remus landed on top of Sirius. He smirked and kissed him deeply. He pushed himself up a little bit, but Sirius grabbed his tie and pulled him back down, kissing him again.

"Didn't miss that time, did I, Lupin?"

Remus grinned at him. "I don't know, better do it one more time, just to be sure."

Sirius did, connecting them in another long kiss. Remus melted into it. "I love you," Sirius whispered.

They sat up, and Sirius pulled Remus onto his lap. It was quiet for a few minutes. Remus leaned back against Sirius, looking up at the stars again.

"Do you ever just feel trapped inside yourself?" Remus asked suddenly.

Sirius looked at him, confused, but didn't say anything.

"Like you're watching yourself do everything, and you can't stop screwing everything up, but you can't stop yourself. And everything is just a mess, but sometimes you can't even tell what's real? And maybe everything is just a dream, but sometimes it's a hell of a dream, and you'd rather just not wake up? Because what if the real world is even worse?"

Sirius just kept watching Remus, listening intently. Remus was just sort of talking, and Sirius didn't think he expected a response. He wasn't even sure if Remus was fully aware that he was thinking out loud.

"It's like you're trapped in a tank, and the tank is slowly filling up with water. There's a button right next to you that will stop the water, and you want to push the button, but you just can't do it. And maybe you're not in a tank at all, maybe it's all your imagination. But you can't tell whether you're in the tank or not. And you can't tell anyone, because they'll think you're crazy, because who can't tell when they're dreaming and when they're not?"

Sirius felt the all too familiar pain in his heart. He could hardly bear to hear Remus talk about things like this, the things he experienced every day. Remus didn't deserve any of the pain, and yet he always got the worst of it.

"Sometimes, when I'm asleep, I have dreams. And sometimes they're better than reality, and sometimes they're so much worse. But I can't tell when I'm dreaming, and sometimes I know I'm awake, but it feels so much like a dream, and it doesn't feel real, and maybe it is a dream, but I don't know if I want to wake up. And sometimes I wonder if everything is just a dream."

Sirius reached out and gently took hold of Remus's hand, but he didn't seem to notice.

"You know, they say that after you die, you have seven minutes of brain activity. And in those seven minutes, your brain plays back all the memories of your life. What if I'm already dead, and I'm just reliving all those memories, and it feels like days and weeks and months, but it's actually just a few minutes, and soon it will be over and I'll be dead. And maybe I'll go to heaven, maybe I'll go to hell, maybe I'll go somewhere in between. Or maybe I'll just cease to exist, and I won't remember, and soon no one will remember me."

"Oh, Remy," breathed Sirius.

"A lot of people are afraid of dying. It's because they fear the unknown, and death is the one thing that we truly cannot know. I've never been afraid of death. Because for so long, I've wondered what it would be like to die, and what it would be like afterwards. And, so often, I think that nothing could possibly be worse than what I'm going through."

He turned and looked directly at Sirius, his eyes full of tears. "You want to know the first time I truly wanted to die?"

Sirius looked back at him, his eyes equally teary.

"I was five years old, and it was my first full moon. My parents locked me in the basement, and I begged for them to stop the pain. I begged for them to let me out. But they couldn't. They couldn't do anything. So I begged for death. I begged for God, or whoever is out there, to just let me die, to just stop the pain. And the next morning, the only thing I could think about was how I would rather die than ever have to experience that much pain again."

"Oh, Remy," choked out Sirius, blinking back tears. His mind was flooded with images of a tiny Remus, a child, not even old enough to read or write, writhing on the floor in agony, tearing at his skin, throwing himself against a wall, trying anything that might stop the pain. He saw images of a young Remus, his body broken, bloody, and bruised, begging for it to stop. He saw a small Remus curled in a tiny ball, crying, utterly defeated. "Oh, Remy."

They were both crying now. Remus had curled up and was sobbing into Sirius's chest, clinging to him desperately. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus protectively, holding him close. He couldn't stop the images that tore through his mind of Remus throughout the years, alone, in agony, begging for death.

He laid his head on top of Remus's and sobbed, his tears falling onto Remus's hair. Remus's tears soaked his sweater, but he didn't notice. Even if he had, he wouldn't have cared. All that he cared about was Remus.

He hadn't been able to be there for Remus. It wasn't his fault, he knew that. Hell, for half the time he hadn't even known Remus existed. It didn't stop the feeling of failure, that he had failed his responsibility. He vowed again that he would always be there for Remus. He had to be. For Remus's sake, and for his own. If anything ever happened to Remus, he would never be able to forgive himself.

A/N:

this makes me sad, but it's also so cathartic. i'm literally just projecting myself onto remus. i just want someone to be my sirius
i'm almost 2 months clean. i want to relapse so badly tho

i saw my friend today. managed to not run into my ex. i heard him tho, playing piano and shit. he's a fucking amazing piano player. part of me was hoping i would run into him. i don't know what i would do or say, but i just wanted to see him. i know it wouldn't be good, but still

take care of yourselves, drink some water, eat something. i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn