Chapter 44.
"You won't believe this." said Dean, coming back from making his calls, "They checked into a hotel called the Raphael. Desk clerk recognised the description right away. Mr and Mrs Clarence. D. Clarence. Useless information, if he's on his way back. Of course, we don't know for sure that he is."
"He said he is." said Sam. The continued use of the name Clarence intrigued him, especially when Cas had tried so hard to cover his tracks.
"All we have is his word and given the events of this morning, I wouldn't bet a nickel on that now."
"He has no reason to lie about that."
"No? How about to buy time? If he doesn't want us showing up there, he just won a few more hours to do whatever he's doing."
"I believe him. I think he's coming home."
"He'd better be. And when he is home, he's grounded."
"Dean, he's an ancient celestial being, not a twelve year old kid."
"If he acts like a kid ... "
"That crap never worked on me when Dad tried it." said Sam, "It drove me away, over and over."
"Cas isn't you. I'm not Dad." said Dean, but he sounded a little uncertain about that.
"Can we talk about this calmly?" said Sam.
"Not really in a calm mood." said Dean.
"No, I noticed, but before he gets here ... "
"Yeah, I know. I'm doing this all wrong. I always do. And I know everything I should be saying when he walks in, I know I should put my feelings aside and assure him that he has my support, whatever happens, but the dude just went and made some kind of deal with a witch without even discussing it with us."
"And you're angry."
"Damn right, I'm angry."
"And you wanna just tell him to go."
"What? No! Of course I'm not gonna tell him to go."
Sam smiled. "Good. Because, this yelling thing ... that's telling him to go. It's not your feelings you need to put aside. In fact, if there is a way through this without losing Cas, it's probably telling him how you actually feel when he puts himself at risk."
"He knows how I feel. I tell him, often enough."
"Shouting it at him tends to lose the finer points." said Sam.
"If I don't shout it, he doesn't hear it at all. You've seen what he's like now, avoiding eye contact, zoning out, hearing everything but what I'm saying, thinking he has to do everything alone because he can't trust us. He can't trust us, after everything ... How am I supposed to get through to him?"
"Quietly, honestly, the way you just spoke to me." said Sam.
Dean was silent for a while, looking at the ground in a way that reminded Sam of Castiel. Finally, he said, "I'l try, but when he comes in here and tries to explain without telling us anything, how am I supposed to not be angry?"
"You only get angry because you're scared."
"Yeah, thanks, Sigmund Freud. That doesn't help."
"You could lead with, 'Cas, you scared us.'"
"He knows that. He just doesn't care." said Dean.
"Is that really what you think?"
"What am I supposed to think? We trusted him to go off alone today."
"Barely."
"We let him go."
"Reluctantly and you didn't exactly trust him."
"And I was right not to. He ditched his car and phone and used a fake name to hook up with one of our enemies."
"She's a friend now, Dean."
"Nah, the moment she started making secret deals with Cas ... "
"We don't know that's what happened."
"We don't? She's manipulating him, Sam."
"It's possible. It's also possible he went to her for help."
"Both could be true."
"Yes." said Sam.
"Why can't he talk to us? Why won't he tell us what this is all about? What, he can talk to Rowena and not to me?" Dean stopped talking. Then he said, "This is why, isn't it? Because I always make it about me."
"No, that's not why and that's not what you're doing." said Sam.
"I'm jealous."
"No, you're not. You're a little over-protective."
"I wanna shoot her because he trusted her and not me."
"No, you wanna shoot her because you think she's taking advantage of his confused state. I kinda hate her for that too."
"Maybe I should just get out of here and let you deal with it. You can be rational about this. I can't."
Sam shook his head. "Dean, he won't talk to me."
"He's not talking to either of us."
"You're closer to him than I am. You always have been. More profound bond and all that. He looks up to you. He'll feel he owes you an explanation and he wants to mend the rift between you."
"There is no rift."
"No?" said Sam, "So your relationship is running well?"
"This isn't a rift, this is him, choosing to back off and trust a damn witch." Dean's voice had a note of entreaty as he said, "Explain it to me, Sam. Be honest with me. What did I do that made him feel like he couldn't trust me?"
"I don't know why he's being this way," said Sam, "But I know there is nobody in this world or any other that he trusts more than you."
"Whatever's driving him crazy, I could help with. It's like he's scared to tell me, like you used to be with Dad. Am I like Dad?"
"Only in the good ways." said Sam.
"Am I like Dad with Cas? Do I treat him like Dad treated you?" said Dean and Sam regretted ever mentioning their father.
"I didn't mean it like that." he said.
"Dad always meant well. He always loved you."
"Yes, I know."
"But he still drove you away. Am I doing that to Cas? I mean, clearly I'm the reason he went sneaking off to see Rowena."
"I don't think it's that simple." said Sam, "For some reason, he doesn't want to tell us anything."
"The reason is obvious. It's me." said Dean, "Let's face it, since the day I met the guy, I've been giving him reasons not to trust me."
"That's not true."
"Ask him if it's true, if you can get him to answer anything." said Dean.
"I've never seen a friendship as strong as yours." said Sam, "And it will survive this."
"I'm not even sure Cas will survive this. His decisions recently have not been safe ones. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't want to survive."
"Sometimes, I feel like he doesn't expect to." said Sam.
"Why didn't you mention that sooner?" said Dean.
"Because I didn't want the thought in your head when it's causing so much stress in mine."
"And you call me over-protective?"