Enough
A celebration in their honour. It was a lovely thing to happen, all rather unexpectedly after Sergeant Willis had come by to give the news that they had been waiting to hear for months. Neither of them much liked being the centre of attention to begin with – much less of late – but everyone was so eager to share in their long overdue good fortune that it didn't seem right to make their excuses and leave quietly. The family had even come down to take part and give their good wishes, which was quite something, indeed.
They got rather swept up in the atmosphere – it felt almost like New Year, what with the champagne and music, the dancing and the laughter that was ringing around the hall. They were content to stand and watch everyone else make merry, not inclined to leave one another's side, conducting their own private celebration by their looks and smiles, John's thumb rubbing over the curve of her hand as he held it in his. It made her glad and feel very lucky to know that after everything they did have true friends who cared about what happened to them and who felt relieved and happy that it had all come to its rightful end, although not quite to the same degree as they were.
It may have come a little late according to the calendar, but perhaps it was a new beginning.
As the clock ticked on further they made their plans to leave, though it looked as though the party was going to continue without them. Lady Mary had said that they could stay the night - in one of the guest rooms of the house, no less. She had been rather over-excited, and made her apologies when Anna thanked her sincerely but that they would prefer to sleep in the cottage. His Lordship made the offer of a car to bring them back, which John also declined, though it was incredibly kind. They were quite amused at being treated close to royalty, John joking that perhaps they should have taken advantage of it.
The chill night air gave Anna a chance to breathe deeply. It had been quite the evening, and yet the jubilation had not been enough to shift the weight that pressed upon her heart. It wasn't a rock, but smaller things could hurt more over time.
"Perhaps I was hasty in saying that we would sleep tonight," John said, as they both sat with their pillows propped upwards, having been in bed for half an hour wide awake.
"It's natural, everything having built up. We'll drop off eventually."
She tried to think of something else to say before the welling sadness submerged her completely, knowing full well that she could talk about it but not wanting to sour the mood. Self-pity was not so easy to put to one side, after all.
"Do you know how proud I am of you?" He spoke before she could conjure a thought of anything else. "I am immeasurably so. Everything that you've faced, and you've come out stronger. I love you, more than I ever have before."
It was no good; the tears that she had been holding back started to slip from her eyes. She moved to hastily wipe them away.
"I know that you're upset," he added, gently. "You have every right to be. But we'll find a way. We always do."
There were ways and means. She thought of Miss Marigold, so many children without a home. They both had so much love to give. She just always imagined that they would be bestowing it upon a child that was truly their own, flesh and blood.
"I suppose that I took it for granted. Silly of me, really, given all that life has thrown at us. I should know by now that we, out of everyone, should never take anything for granted."
She didn't believe that it was too much to ask that God should have given them a small kindness, when they had been through so much. Then again, she supposed she should not have been ungrateful, when they had their freedom in the truest sense of the word once more.
"I'm not saying it's a lost cause, because we don't know, not for sure."
"I can't go through it again," she said, the pain coming up quick to the surface, cutting sharp. "If we must take precautions…that's what we'll have to do."
"Let's not think about that, not now."
His voice was so soft and full of care. His eyes wrapped her in devotion, and she thought then how very lucky she was. Not many other men would be so understanding when faced with the prospect of a life without children. She knew long ago – indeed, from the very moment that she had laid eyes upon him - that John Bates was not like other men.
"I never used to believe in them, but you've shown me that miracles do happen. Time and time again."
"We can't pin our hopes on a miracle," she began, though he hushed her gently before she could get herself too worked up.
"I know," he said, "it's just that often, when we think things might be certain, life has a way of showing us that it's not the case. Let's take it day by day."
She smiled, despite the sorrow that was waging its war inside her. It had been a happy evening after all, holding more than just a glimmer of hope.
"I meant what I said. You are enough." His smile helped to lift her heart, and she felt his love more than ever. "More than enough, my darling."
He leaned in to her, kissing her tenderly.
"All that I could ever want and hope for."