A/N: My outline for this chapter literally just said "Jane and Jeffrey." I had no idea where it was going, it was a complete mystery the whole time I wrote it. This is what we call a filler whoops
Jane had a feeling she knew what was going on with Skye. Her sister had a freshly bruising face, and poor Jeffrey didn't seem to know about it. That could only mean one thing.
There was a constant, aching pressure in Jane's chest, paired with a sinking dread in the pit of her stomach. Whatever Skye thought she could accomplish, she couldn't. Jane had seen Jeffrey lashing out in his sleep. She felt like a failure. In fact, every person at Arundel had been grossly irresponsible. How could they have allowed Skye to spend the night with Jeffrey?
Because it was impossible to ask them to separate. No one wanted to try. They had been fools, and Skye and Jeffrey would both suffer for it.
Internally, Jane let her subconscious punish her, ripping her to shreds. Externally, Jane smiled and chatted with Jeffrey like his world wasn't about to crash down on his head. Jeffrey was already observant, but he watched Skye like a hawk. He was so protective of her. Jane wanted to cry, but she swallowed that back. Skye shouldn't have hidden this from Jeffrey. That had been a mistake. She couldn't forever. But that was the decision Skye had made, and there was nothing Jane could do to change that. She would cover for Skye until the secret came out, regardless of the mess it would most definitely make.
"You've really never made Skye watch The Notebook?" Jeffrey was saying. "You're letting me down, Jane."
"I assure you, I have given it my very best efforts." Jane marveled at her own steady voice. She did not have a talent for concealing her emotions. The littlest things could make her cry. She tried not to question her self-control, for fear she could lose it. She would be able to cover herself if she did cry (there were a million reasons she could name for tears), but she didn't want to do that to Jeffrey. He looked so happy. She would keep him that way as long as she was able.
"You get her to watch it then," said Jane. "She will deny you nothing."
"She'll deny me plenty, I promise you," Jeffrey disagreed with a grin. His face lit up whenever he talked about her, no matter what he said. If he knew… Jane didn't let herself finish the thought, though it rattled around her brain and she couldn't quite ignore it.
"Skye adores you, you know," said Jane. "She's so in love. It's beautiful."
Jeffrey flushed a pale pink. Jane wanted to drill that fact into his head. He needed to remember it when he finally got a look at Skye's face.
"You should have seen her last week, before you were back. She was a mess," said Jane.
"I didn't have to see that. I saw the other side," said Jeffrey darkly. "You don't know the half of it."
So much for keeping him happy. Jane didn't regret bringing that up. Anything to prove to him that he was her sister's sun and stars.
"I'm happy for you guys. For this part. You belong together," said Jane.
Jeffrey cracked a smile. "Thanks."
"You have what books are made of," said Jane. Jeffrey's smile faded pensively, then returned. He stared down at his lap, still blushing. Jane knew he was thinking about Skye. He was so smitten; she didn't think there was anything cuter than that. A few tears did leak out.
"I love you guys so much I could cry," she said.
Jeffrey looked up and laughed. "You are."
"Exactly my point."
Jeffrey hid his face in his hands. When he lowered them, he was biting his lip as he smiled. "I never thought it would happen."
"I did," Jane said truthfully. "I was positive."
"Well that makes one of us."
Jane hated herself; but she was a little angry with Skye. Jeffrey had no idea what was about to hit him.
Jeffrey punched Jane's arm playfully. "You might be too invested."
"Impossible." Jane only wanted them to have a happy ending. They'd had such a tragic story.
A wide range of emotions crossed over Jeffrey's face – happiness, heartbreak, anger, despair. He settled on a steady sort of dejection. "She saved my life, Jane. I really believe that."
Jane held her arms out to him and he leaned into them gladly.
"That's all she's ever trying to do," she mumbled.
Jeffrey's arm slid around Jane's shoulders and he pulled her tighter for a quick second, then separated himself from her. He stared at the door for a long time. Jane could see his thoughts turning over in his mind, but he didn't voice any of them.
Then he said, "Do you have a book I can read?"
"Oh," said Jane, surprised. "I have lots of books."
Books were Jane's favorite distraction, and she loved to give recommendations. It should have been an easy question. She didn't know what she could give to him, or what kind of story he could possibly want to read.
"Don't think you have to censor it for me or anything, I know all those fantasy books you read can be kind of…torture happy."
Jane's mouth fell open, she was insulted. She forgot to worry about what she said to him. "When you say it like that it sounds sadistic!"
"You're not even denying it," Jeffrey laughed.
"It's not…you're not…they're just…oh forget it. It's romantic," Jane blurted out. She couldn't tell him he was wrong. Most of what she read included some sort of scene abusing her book boyfriend.
"You're telling me torture is romantic," Jeffrey said. He was trying to keep a straight face, but he couldn't.
Jane was horrified with herself. What was wrong with her? She'd really said that to his face. "I'm not saying that, I'm not. No. It's just, it's always the guy, and then the girl is so worried and she takes care of him and they have to save him, and they're crying, and I'm crying, and I can't stop thinking about it because they're so in love and…and…there's a reason it's in every book okay!"
"No wonder you're such a big fan of me and Skye."
"Jeffrey!" Jane put her hands on her head and she let out a little scream. Jeffrey gave her a lighthearted shove and she tumbled onto the mattress, clutching at her hair in mortification.
"I'm messing with you, Jane."
"No fair," said Jane.
"You said it."
"You baited me!"
"Yeah a little." Jeffrey grinned impishly at her. "Come on, I'm easy to please. What's the last book you read?"
That had been The Selection (which did, in fact, include abuse in book two), but Jane was certain he would not be impressed by that one.
"Shadow and Bone," she finally answered. That was the last one she'd read for the first time. It probably wasn't a much better option, but she was blanking on book titles. It also included abuse and imprisonment, and that was actually at the end of book one. Jeffrey was so right about her library. She was starting to think she had a problem – that there was just a problem with YA in general.
"Do you have it?"
Jane nodded. "In the car."
"Just give me that, it'll work." Jeffrey smirked at her and added, "I can handle the torture scene."
"It's just a little…" Jane chewed on her nails. She felt so called out. "There's some captivity, that's it. Okay, and a potential execution—potentially. I'm not spoiling anything, but that really is it."
Jeffrey laughed. "That's essentially the same thing. I knew it."
Jane hid her smile behind her hand. "I'm so embarrassed."
"I kind of see the appeal, actually. In fiction."
"Yes, in fiction," Jane agreed. Her smile fell very fast. "I don't like it when it's real."
That was all it took for the conversation to turn serious again. Jeffrey was quiet; his stare was heavy.
"I know this has been hard on you, on all of you guys. I'm sorry," he said.
Jane couldn't help it, she had to study him. He was sorry about what they had been through? It was nothing. Her throat constricted and she gulped down her emotions. She stretched out her hand and grazed it over his bruised neck. How had that not faded any? His voice was completely back (that was a blessing), but he still looked like he'd been strangled yesterday. It was a turtleneck of purple and green, a sight Jane would never get used to.
Her hand skimmed down his arm and tugged up his sleeve. His restraints had scarred their memory into his forearm. He was striped like a zebra. Jane sucked in a deep, deliberate breath so that she wouldn't break. She settled her hand over his bare arm.
Jeffrey pulled his hand away and dragged down his sleeve. Jane scolded herself for her insensitivity. He wasn't an exhibit for her to gawk at.
"How come you all have to touch it when you see it? Everyone does, even my dad did a little," said Jeffrey. "It's fine, I guess. I just don't get it."
Jane didn't either, to be honest. "I think I'm checking if it's real." That was the best she could come up with.
Jeffrey pulled his sleeve up again and rotated his arm to look at it. "It's real, alright."
"Bullshit," Jane said bitterly. "That's bullshit."
Jeffrey laughed, shortly but still in amusement. He flexed the fingers of his right hand and flinched. He set his arm back in his lap.
"My wrist is killing me today. Maybe I slept wrong, I don't know. It feels like I broke it again."
"Maybe that's just part of the healing process," Jane said. Her heart pounded.
"I hope so."
Jane wanted to scream. His wrist hurt him because he'd punched Skye in the face, broken bones and all. At least, that's what Jane guessed had happened. He'd struck her somehow. It took all of her self-control not to tell him the truth. His ignorance was gnawing at her and wearing her down. He didn't know just how wrong he had slept. He would want to. Jeffrey would be furious with her when he found out she had lied to him. Damn you, Skye, Jane thought angrily. Her sister was such a moron. Hiding this would help nothing.
Of course, Jane wasn't just angry. She hurt for Skye too. She knew how upset she must be, how frantic. Skye's decision had come from a place of love – she was trying to protect Jeffrey's feelings. She would fail. There was no protecting him from this. Jane had the feeling Skye was aware of that, but her stubbornness had often gotten her in trouble. This was no different. Not to mention that she was injured. Jeffrey was where Skye felt safest, and he had still hurt her. Jane was fighting it with all that he had, but she was a little angry with him too – even if he hadn't been conscious for the punch. He would never hurt Skye on purpose, but that didn't change the fact that he had. It didn't make it easier for Jane that he showed no remorse about it (not fair, since he didn't know), but she knew that when he did discover the truth, he would harbor so much hate for himself that Jane's heart would break – again, because that was all it was good for anymore. Jeffrey was already so guilty about what had happened to Skye, Jane couldn't imagine what this knowledge would do to him. It scared her.
Those depressing thoughts were broken when Jane's phone rang. She jumped at the aggressive "Alexander Hamilton!" She loved the opening song of the Hamilton soundtrack, but it did always manage to startle her when she received a call. She glanced down at her screen. It was only a spam caller. She would let it ring; it was a quality song. Lin Manual Miranda: what a genius.
Jeffrey dove for her phone and tore it from her hand with such aggression that Jane shrieked. He ended the call and flung her phone back at her. She was so overcome by surprise that she missed it and it knocked hard into her diaphragm.
Jeffrey didn't notice. "Change your ringtone, Jane. Now," he snapped.
Jane didn't know what she had done. In all the years she had known Jeffrey, he had never spoken to her like that. She'd never heard him speak to anyone that way. She stared at him, eyes wide. She was going to cry.
"Hurry up!" Jeffrey said, what could only be described as viciously. "Do I have to tell you again? Change your goddamn ringtone."
Jane flinched and fumbled for her phone in her lap. She couldn't even see it her tears were falling so fast.
"Okay," she stammered. She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand and snorted the contents of her running nose down her throat. Her nostrils filled right back up again, so she let them leak over her upper lip. She changed her ringtone back to the default choice.
"Done," she whispered.
Jeffrey didn't thank her; he didn't acknowledge the act at all. There a glass of water next to him on the floor. He chucked it across the room, spraying the water in all different directions. It slammed into the door and bounced three times before it rolled to a stop. The look on Jeffrey's face was murder. Jane didn't recognize him.
She turned her head away as her face scrunched with a sob she would not set free. She didn't understand what had happened. What was wrong with her ringtone? She and Jeffrey shared a love for that soundtrack. They had. Jane couldn't figure out what could have changed that. She knew that trauma could make people lose interest in things they had once enjoyed, but that much? That wasn't disinterest, that was hatred. Jeffrey was a gentle person, such aggression from him terrified Jane. She held her breath until the sob trapped in her chest gave up and receded.
Nervously, she looked at Jeffrey. He was laying on his back with his face covered by his palms. Jane realized with a start that he was crying. Her fears dissipated. She crawled over and put her hand on his trembling shoulder. He shook it off and rolled onto his side, facing away from her.
"Are you okay?"
His bitter laugh was half-sob. "No. Don't ever play that around me again."
"I promise." Jane was frustrated by her tears. She couldn't very well make him feel better if she was crying herself. "What did I do?"
The long silence filled Jane with deep anxiety.
Jeffrey shuddered until he could breathe calmly enough to talk to her. "Nothing. I'm sorry."
"But—"
"Leave it at nothing, Jane." His snapping was back.
Obviously, "nothing" was not true. Jane didn't know how she could have screwed up so badly and still be unaware of why. How was she supposed to prevent this in the future? She had thought it was the song, but what if it wasn't? What if she had given him a look, gestured in some way that had reminded him of something he had been through? Something terrible. Maybe it was the jump scare. It was a startling ringtone.
"I'm sorry if that scared you," Jane offered. She wrung her hands.
"It didn't. Drop it." Jeffrey's tone softened to a beg when he said, "Leave it alone. Please."
"I'm sorry," Jane said again, still unsure what for.
"No." Jeffrey sighed and dragged his hands down his wet face. "No, I am. I shouldn't have reacted like that."
More than anything, Jane wanted to ask what he had reacted to, but she bit that back. "It's okay."
"I made you cry." Jeffrey sat up and held out an arm. "Come here."
Jane hesitated, but Jeffrey beckoned her to him with his fingers. She gratefully let him hug her. At least he still seemed okay with having her there with him. That was better than she got from Skye. She tried to remember what Nick had said about it being easy to lash out at the people you know are there for you. It had been comforting when he had said it, but it didn't help much when it was happening. Especially coming from Jeffrey. Jane expected it from Skye, but he was different. Skye had always been like that, but Jeffrey had been changed.
"I'm sorry for being a jerk," said Jeffrey.
"That's what Skye does."
He laughed. "That's worse. You shouldn't get that from both of us. I'll do better."
"Don't worry about it." Jane clung tightly to his waist. "Say whatever you want to me, Jeffrey. I'm still here for you, no matter what."
Jeffrey squeezed her. "That's not healthy, but thank you."
"I don't care about healthy, I care about you. I want you to be okay."
His shoulders heaved with a sigh. "I'll get there."
Jane unwrapped herself from him and pat his leg supportively. Now she was even more afraid for the moment he found out about Skye's face. He was too delicate. He couldn't take anything else. Jane didn't want to think that about him. She would have preferred to have confidence in his strength. The thing was, Jeffrey's strength had gotten him this far, and he had a ton of it, but it was already spread too thin. If it was stretched any further, it would fade away. It was like a rule of physics. Chemistry? Jane didn't pay attention in science.
She didn't like to think about that. She missed when their lives had been simple. She craved normalcy. Jane took her phone out to open Instagram. It was a poor habit, but she had often found herself scrolling through both Jeffrey's feed and Skye's. She reveled in how happy they had been but was also devastated that all of their photos came from a time when they'd had no idea what would later be done to them. The mystery of life was a curse. This was the first time she was doing it since Jeffrey had returned.
That much was obvious. Jeffrey's account made Jane drop her phone.
"Um…Jeffrey?" She said as she double checked if she'd seen correctly. "Do you have notifications on for Instagram?"
"No." He saw her face and winced. "Why?"
It was so ridiculous Jane giggled. She flashed her screen at him. His follower count had increased tenfold. He was at 9700. Just in the time Jane was looking, it jumped by 8.
Jeffrey's mouth tightened and he rubbed at the corner of his eye. "That's…awesome," he grumbled sarcastically. "I don't want attention for this."
"You're getting it," Jane observed. She scrolled through the 13,000 comments on his last post – naturally, a photo containing Skye, because why wouldn't it? Jane was in it too (it was from February, when they had visited him in Boston), but no one cared about that. Love and support for Jeffrey and Skye was outpouring from all over the country, maybe the world. Jane scrolled for two minutes and probably saw a million red hearts, as if that meant anything to Jeffrey. Most of the comments warmed Jane to her very soul – simple things like "you're heroes," "so much love for you two," and "when I say I BAWLED when they found you." Some of them irked her, such as "you best believe I'm waiting on this documentary" (she was happy to see immense backlash on that one) and "ugh y'all are straight goals." No they weren't. Nothing about getting tortured with the person you love is goals. A couple irritated her, then made her laugh, like "that video of you two was a heartbreak and a half. brb weeping."
It was all incredibly overwhelming. Skye had a private account, which relieved Jane. Any one of those comments would have sent her into a rage.
"You should post a picture with Skye. An old one," said Jane. "Watch them lose their minds."
Jeffrey made a face. "I think no."
Jane had expected him to say that. "You're passing up a great opportunity," she said anyway.
He laughed but shook his head. "Dodging a bullet, actually. Skye would kill me."
"Unfortunately, that is not a claim I can dispute."
Jeffrey pulled out his own phone and made his account private. After some consideration, he deleted the app entirely. "People should just mind their own business. Even if they're being nice. It's not like they actually care."
Jane wondered how he felt about the people that truly did care. "Have you talked to your friends?" She knew for a fact that Skye had not. They were all texting Jane instead. She didn't have the heart to ask Skye to contact them.
"Only a little, just to say I'm okay," said Jeffrey. He glanced down at his phone and thumbed through his messages. Most of his threads had an unread text, but he didn't answer any of them. "Andrew had a lot of stuff to say about Dexter, and that was kind of funny, but for the most part they aren't helping."
Andrew Matsui was Jeffrey's best friend from school. Jane loved that guy. She was irrationally attracted to him, though she would never admit that to Jeffrey.
"Actually, the first thing he said to me was "pretty dramatic way to get the girl, don't you think?" and then he just gave me a hard time about Skye, that kiss on TV and stuff. I liked that 'cause he's always teased me about her. I get tired of hearing how sorry people are, you know?"
Jane did. She was sick of it too, but she couldn't stop saying it either.
"I thought he was going to leave it at "thanks for not dying on me," but he didn't, so I stopped responding to him too. I feel kind of bad." Jeffrey did look guilty.
"Don't, he gets it. They all do," Jane promised earnestly.
Jeffrey tossed his phone back on the mattress. "I want to keep them separate from all of it. That's probably dumb, but since I have you guys going through it with me, I'm trying to keep some parts of my life normal." His expression was grim. "It's not going to work."
"It could." Jane was trying to help, but she didn't sound convincing.
"It's at least not weird if I don't talk to them," said Jeffrey. "Although, that's weird too, in a different way, so I don't know what I'm thinking. I'm so screwed."
Jane hugged Jeffrey again. "You're done with the worst part."
He smiled, just slightly. "I better be."
"That's what they say about rock bottom, right? It's all up from here."
"Yeah that's true, I guess." Jeffrey's mouth quirked up humorously. "So long as Iantha doesn't go all step-monster on us next."
Jane laughed. Iantha could never. "We'll send her to get a psych evaluation to be sure."
Jeffrey grinned, then tugged on his lip as his expression turned sour. "You're lucky. She's great."
"I'll share," said Jane. "She's going to be your mother-in-law."
Jeffrey choked as he laughed. "Do you tell Tommy that stuff too?"
"I have since he was like 12. You'll find I can be very influential."
"You mean you're nosy."
"Absolutely." Jane let go of him and stood up. "I'm going to get you that book. I'll be right back."
A rush of intense emotion greeted Jane when she stepped outside the door. She couldn't put her finger on what it was. All she knew was that she loved Jeffrey, and he was trying hard not to struggle as much as he was. Jane cried all the way to the car.