Chapter 45.
When the Pimpmobile was seen returning, Sam, Dean, Jack and Sarah gathered in the garage. Dean deliberately stood a little behind Sam. He didn't want to be the first to speak. Sarah stood out of sight. They all knew there was a chance he would just drive away again if he knew she had come to see him.
Cas drove through the open door and parked the car. Dean closed the door immediately. As soon as Cas got out of the car, it was clear something was wrong. He moved unsteadily.
"Are you hurt?" said Dean, forgetting to let Sam speak first.
"No." said Cas.
Sarah came over. "His grace is depleted. I've seen this before."
"Were you attacked?" said Dean.
"Lucifer?" said Sam.
"Lucifer's dead." said Jack.
"Yes, he often is." said Sam.
"Rowena." said Dean, with stone cold certainty, "Sam, get the bullets."
"Stop!" said Cas, "Rowena did nothing I didn't ask her to do."
"You dumb, stupid ... "
"Dean!" said Sam, "He's back, as he promised. Let's give him a second."
"You gave her your frickin' grace?" said Dean.
"I had a good reason."
"Like you had a good reason for ditching Jules?"
"Yes." said Cas.
"Screw your reasons. Do you even know what you've done? You've disarmed yourself. We could be fighting Michael any day and you render yourself useless."
Cas glared at him. "When Michael comes here, I'm as good as dead, with or without my grace. My life expectancy is about twelve seconds. Yours, a little less."
Dean felt his anger surge at that reminder of how incapable he was of fighting Michael. He thought about what Sam had said earlier. He was angry because he was scared and angrier about the Michael thing because he had already failed to defeat Michael and despite all his good intentions, here he was, yelling at his best friend, who was also scared and who needed something better than to be shouted at. "How bad is it?" he said quietly, "Do you have any powers left?"
"Some." said Cas, "I'm weak and tired, but my grace will be fully restored in days."
"We may not have days." said Dean, trying to keep his voice calm, "Why did you do it? What did she offer you?"
"Not her idea." said Cas, "It was mine and I will explain, if you promise not to yell at me."
"I'm sorry." said Dean, "Explain."
"Not here." said Sarah, "He needs to sit down and he needs to eat."
"He never needs to eat." said Dean.
"I think we should go to the library." said Sarah, "Jack, go to the kitchen and find some food for Castiel. She took Cas's arm. "Don't look so anxious. I've never been anything but a friend to you."
Cas meekly allowed himself to be led to the library and Sarah seated him at the head of the first table. He looked far too close to human for Dean's peace of mind. There were dark semicircles under his eyes and his posture seemed hunched and unsteady.
Sarah came to Dean and touched his elbow. "Sit beside him." she said.
"Is that okay?" he said to Cas.
Cas shrugged. He took that as a yes. Sam took the chair on the other side. Dean silently begged him to ask all the questions Dean didn't trust himself to ask.
Sam understood. "Castiel," he said, "How do you feel?"
"That doesn't matter." said Cas.
Dean put his hands under the table so nobody would see them curl into fists.
"It matters to us." said Sam, "We've been very worried about you. If you'd given us some idea of what you were doing ... "
"You would have stopped me." said Cas.
"Damn right!" said Dean.
"Dean, not helping." said Sam.
Cas put a hand to his head. "You said you wouldn't shout."
Dean took the wrist and moved the hand away from his head, not ungently. "I'm trying." he said, "But we didn't know where you were or what you were doing."
"Mainfestly untrue." said Cas, "You even knew about Zorah."
"Yeah, where is Zorah?" said Sam.
"I was hardly going to bring her to a nest of hunters." said Cas.
"Nest of hunters?" said Dean, "Is that what we are to you?" The hurt must have been a little too obvious. Sarah touched his arm.
"It's what you are to her. All she did was drive me to Kansas City and bring me back." said Cas.
Jack came in and put a sandwich on a plate in front of Cas. "I hope it's okay. There are still some cookies left too, if you want them." he said.
"This is fine. I'm sorry for the distress I caused you, Jack." said Cas.
"He thought someone had taken you." said Dean.
A look passed between Jack and Cas that he didn't understand. "I'm sorry." said Cas, "It never entered my head that you would think that."
"What happened to your grace?" said Jack.
Cas reached into his pocket and dropped three crystals, each wrapped in silver wire, onto the table. He pushed one towards Jack. "That's for you."
Jack picked it up. "What is it?" he said.
"Protection. The other two are for Jules and Claire. If I'm ever ... not around, the grace inside them will counter attacks against you. It won'rt stop Michael, but it's better than nothing."
Dean picked one up. "This is what you did with your grace?"
"Yes. I made a small investment in the future of the people I love."
"A future you don't plan to be around for." said Dean.
"This life doesn't allow me to assume I'll be here for it." said Cas. He looked apologetically at Sam and Dean. "I hoped you would never know about this. That's why I couldn't make one for each of you."
"Are you kidding me?" said Dean, "You half-killed yourself for these."
"No, my life was never in danger."
"You're one step above human." said Dean.
"That's promotion to me." said Cas.
"So, let me get this straight. You went off in secret to meet a witch you know you can't trust to get these dumb trinkets to protect Jack, Jules and Claire when you disappear on them?"
"You make it sound bad."
"No, trust me, it's bad however you say it." said Dean.
"At any time, I could be killed. I have been before. I can't be sure that i will always come back ... "
"You always did before."
"Not always easily and Jack can't afford to use any powers."
Jack looked uncomfortable.
"I think we need to take this somewhere else." said Dean, "Just you and me."
Sam intervened. "I don't think ... "
"No shouting, I promise." said Dean, "Come on, Cas. Let's go to my room. Sam, Sarah, you can guard the door if you like. Jack, I don't want you feeling bad about this. Go watch some Netflix."
"I want to help." said Jack.
"Well, he and I need to talk and I need to focus on keeping my temper, so I need you out of the way."
Jack looked at Cas, who nodded.
"You wanna bring your sandwich?" said Dean.
"No." said Cas.
They got up and left the room.