Hello!
We're sorry we haven't updated in the past couple of weeks... We know we had a regular schedule, but life got a bit crazy. Nothing to worry about, just good real life things. We will be updating once per week now, but today you get both last week's update and this week's. In a sense, it's good for you: you won't be kept hanging so much (you'll know what we mean once you reach the end of this chapter) Music! open .dot. spotify .dot playlist/0IzEFePmqDH2Qb3QtC57C8?si=qkfqVnBPRIOon-EFvgJsNA
saraielianals, thank you for your comments! We're sorry we never reply, but here it's a bit harder (how we dream of there being an option to reply under your comment so you got notified!). About your past comment: yes, Winifred messed thing up... And i is a story where we try to portray healthy, but real relationships, and even those are hard with a lot of work sometimes. Especially when those involved have had some problems in the past or are dealing with more issues. No reason to despair, though. We do have a plan (this thing is mostly written), so just trust us on this. For a bit. You'll understand what the off feeling Anne was having is, and how that evolves... let us know what you think!
"When did you put any order here?" Anne said as they entered the room in the apartment. Gilbert had stayed… cleaning? When she had gone to Fred's, he was cleaning?
"Cole did, when he came before," Gilbert said. So he hadn't been cleaning. Oh. Anne turned bright red at the implication. "Anne, you bought that thing with him, upon his suggestion. He clearly knew what was going to happen. So don't be embarrassed, it doesn't make any sense."
"Still!"
"Look at the bright side, then. No used condoms anymore," he said chuckling as he hugged her. She made a mortified sound, hiding her face on his chest and he laughed, but not managing to completely relax in his arms. She let go of him and left her sweater on the bed, not really looking at him. He frowned slightly.
"I think I'll read for a bit. Do you want some tea?"
"No, thank you. I'm… fine," he said softly, slightly taken aback by her offer and retreat.
They didn't talk much for the rest of the day. Anne didn't see the point of talking anymore about a subject that still hurt just to think of it, and Gilbert was trying to follow her cues as best as he could. It wasn't even Winifred what was bothering her, as he told Gilbert when he approached in the afternoon with the suggestion that it would be wise if she blocked her on the different social platforms. Anne did it readily and Gilbert reassured her that he had done so as well, with Fred's help. He had no intentions of anything related to that woman to go in their way again, insisting in how stupid he felt about everything.
Still, they didn't talk much more than that. The stillness continued over Sunday, when they went out for a calm, almost silent walk. The day was slow, uncomfortable. They seemed to read a lot, with both of them wondering if the other was managing to concentrate.
By then, Gilbert tried to talk to her a few times… To see what he could do to solve the tense feeling that was around the house. He just knew that ignoring the subject wouldn't help. Anne shrugged him off. She hadn't been able to shake off completely the feeling she had gotten at Winifred's call, even if she believed Gilbert's story. It wasn't a matter of not believing him. She did, as she had told him the previous day. It was more about feeling that something was… off. She couldn't put it into words, for all she wanted. Gilbert was trying to be the most loving boyfriend, and yet she couldn't relax.
He went to work on Monday, enveloped in silence. Confused about Anne's attitude but completely lost as to how to fix it. He went through the motions in the hospital, seeing his patients and thinking about her from time to time. He sent her a message a couple of times. She didn't reply. And he let it go, sure they could give it a try again in the afternoon, thinking about what she could be doing. Was she writing? Reading? Had she gone out for a ride?
Anne stayed home, trying to read, to go back into a routine that only last Thursday had seemed so perfect and flowing. But she really couldn't, and wasn't able to relax or take out of her mind the talk with Gilbert before coming back to the apartment on Saturday. He had explained about Winifred, yes. And she did believe him. The whole… Winifred business still bothered her slightly, yes, but she was clear enough about how she felt to separate that from the rest. Because the anger and insecurity she felt regarding the blond woman had little to do with the anger she had aimed towards Gilbert. But where was that coming from?
She gave up writing halfway through the morning because it wasn't making any sense. She did a bit of yoga, kneaded some bread, read a bit… And finally decided to go out on her bike to try to clear her head. As she pedaled in the mid September air, going through the streets that had become more and more familiar over the past few months, and eventually through the trail (it did have a great bike road), she kept mulling over what had her in such a state.
And then it dawned on her. It wasn't Winifred, just as she had been thinking since the previous Saturday. Winifred was… she clearly had some sort of problem, but that didn't mean it had to affect them like this, because she honestly believed Gilbert when he told her that he had only tried to politely dismiss her, and had consulted with her only after exhausting a variety of sources and just because he was desperate about that case. Something she already knew, the past week Gilbert had been studying and working at night much more than any of the previous months.
Then it hit her. It was just that: it was Gilbert and his… compulsive need to be nice and polite even with people who didn't deserve it and protect her from every single thing in life. When they were teens, she hadn't needed it, but especially now. Like she couldn't understand fricking Winifred being her obnoxious regular self even after ten years, so she needed to be protected from that information. Like she would break. As if she hadn't… as she would never be able to cope with things. Well, she was able! And she could take it! If he told her stuff and didn't protect her from stupid things!
Her train of thought was interrupted by her phone buzzing in her back pocket. She stopped to the side of the trail and took it out.
**Gil (17:40): Hey, Anne-girl. I just got home… you're ok?
**Anne S-C (17:42): Just went out on the bike. I'll be back later.
**Gil (17:42): Ok. Enjoy your ride :)
**Gil (17:42): Take care
Ugh! He couldn't even trust she was going to take care… Maybe she was overreacting, but what if she was? She just wanted him to trust her strength and her judgement! It was only logical! And she needed him to talk, hadn't he said something along those lines months before?! About communication?!
She got up on the bike again and continued a bit more before turning around, when she realized she wasn't in the mood to ride at night. And she didn't have any lights… Which would be a nice add-on to the bike, now that she thought about it. Entering the parking lot of the building, she left the bike on the allotted space and went up to their floor. She entered the code and took her shoes off as Gilbert came from the living room, reading glasses ( those ridiculously sexy glasses ) on, his eyes worried.
"Hey, Carrots," he greeted softly, a timid smile on his face. He wasn't actually sure of how to talk to her at that moment. It was weird enough that she was so quiet, but that she had gone for so long… It was unusual. Just that. But he didn't want to create a problem where there likely wasn't one.
"Hey, Gil," she greeted. She went over where he was and gave him a quick peck on the lips. "Have you eaten anything?"
"I prepared some sandwiches. Left one ready for you," he commented. They weren't the most creative or elaborate thing, but he was more confident in making good sandwiches now than he was some months before. And they were nice. "Do you want me to warm it up?"
"Thanks. I think I'll have a shower before," she said, going straight to the bathroom. "Thank you, though!" she said before closing the door behind her. He sighed, not knowing what to do, and went back to the living room to continue with his notes for the lecture he was giving that week.
She closed the door behind her, sighing. This wasn't good. But she couldn't look at him and not be angry, and she really wasn't in the mood for talking, which she logically knew was the best course of action. Maybe tomorrow she would be? She showered (slowly, making up time where there really wasn't) and stayed in the bathroom untangling her hair before putting it up on a bun.
Finally, Anne went out to the kitchen, quietly, to see what was the sandwich he had made. Even if she was angry, it melted her heart a little that he insisted so much on cooking for her, even if usually it was a total fail. This sandwich, though? This was good. She sat on the island, browsing through her phone as she ate. He looked at her for a second, but she looked at the screen intently and he looked away again. He didn't speak.
A variant of what happened on Monday happened again on Tuesday and Wednesday, and by Thursday evening, when the clock turned to five and Fred appeared on his door, as usual, he really didn't want to go home. For the first time since he had been on speaking terms with Anne. He was dreading it, actually.
"What's up, Blythe? You're ready?" Fred asked.
"I'll stay a bit longer… There's something I need to finish," he said, not really looking away from his computer. Because he knew Fred would read him in a second, and he really didn't want to justify anything to him. Because he had no excuse.
"Blythe," was the only thing his friend said, and he sighed. "You really can't avoid her."
"I'm not avoiding her."
"You told me you both haven't really spoken since last Saturday. And now you suddenly have to finish something when it's time to go home, even when you were in no rush to come back from lunch. You're avoiding her."
"And what if I am?" he finally replied, his voice tired as he tore his eyes from the screen and looked at Fred.
"You won't solve anything, and you know it."
"She doesn't seem to want to solve anything," Gilbert mumbled. Fred motioned to the chair in front of Gilbert's desk and he nodded, resigned. He minimized the window where he had been reading. It was true he really didn't have to stay working.
"Have you tried talking with her about what happened?"
"We talked on Saturday. Before we went back home," Gilbert replied.
"And that's it?"
"She hasn't… She said she was fine, Fred. She did. And then she's been acting cold, and quiet, and… Honestly, I think it doesn't really matter if I stay here longer or not. It's not like she'll notice. She's been out every time I come back home this week. She's probably out now, for all I know."
"Then obviously she isn't fine, Blythe. Have you talked with her about it? Tried to see what's really bothering her?"
"She said it wasn't Winifred, I know that much," he replied, his brow furrowed. "Fred, I don't know. Everything… Finally, everything was making sense. Everything was moving along. God, I was getting ready to propose. And now… I don't get it. I truly don't."
"Look, I can't see inside Anne's head," Fred replied after a moment. "All I can infer is that there is something that is bothering her, which is something I take you know as well. It might have something to do with Winifred, it might have nothing to do with her. It might be something you did or didn't do. But the thing is, so long you don't talk about it, you won't fix it and it will be harder and harder to manage."
"It's not that I don't know that. I just… try to talk with her, and she always avoids it," he explained, frustrated. He was about to add something else as Fred's phone started buzzing. "Just answer that. I won't stay long."
"It's Ella, you might as well say hi," Fred said, answering the phone on speaker as Gilbert shrugged. "Hey, love! I'm with Blythe here."
"Gilbert, hi! Hi, Freddie," she said. She sounded relaxed. "How are you both?"
"Good, just heading off work," Fred said.
"How are things up there, Ella? Your family?"
"Everyone's fine. My grandma was showing me her latest discovery," she said, and Gilbert and Fred exchanged a look. Ella's grandma was something too amazing and too endearing and too absurd at the same time. "So, she discovered facebook groups. Specifically, knitting facebook groups."
"Knitting facebook groups? Is that a thing?" Fred asked, skeptical.
"That's what she says," Ella replied, and proceeded to explain to them everything her grandma was doing. Gilbert got up and offered Fred some coffee from the machine he had in his office, and soon they were talking (Ella on speaker) like they had done for so many years. "Guys, they're calling me for dinner. I'll talk to you both later? And Gilbert, please say hi to Anne from my part?"
"I sure will, Ella. Take care," Gilbert said. Fred said his goodbye as well and hung up.
"And apparently, that's how you manage to involve me into making you go home late."
"You're the one who put the call on speaker."
"You prepared the coffee."
"You're ridiculous."
"I know. I don't care," Fred said, smiling for a second before looking seriously at him. "Just talk to Anne? You both deserve to fix this funk you're into. I can't imagine she's having a great time either. She hasn't written anything to you?" he asked, as he got up and stretched. Gilbert did so as well, reaching for his sweater and putting it on. It was getting late, but he was going to make a stop at the supermarket. He could buy milk or something. He checked his phone.
"Nothing," he said. A notification from Bash and Elijah, a photo from Ella with her grandma's knitting project, a text from Diana… Nothing from Anne. Fred frowned. "I know, I know. Communication."
"That's right."
"When is Ella coming back?"
"Next Thursday at the latest. She has an appointment with Emily on Friday," he explained, his voice a little more tense.
"That's a long holiday," Gilbert commented as they walked down the hallways of the hospital. Fred shrugged.
"It made sense. She hadn't gone up there since last February, and you know how she tries to go every couple of months. So now that it's finally a bit better she wanted to take advantage… Her grandma has been a bit sick lately and she just wants to spend time with her. And you know as well as I do that winter doesn't look good, so it might be the last chance to go there for a while. Especially considering the baby."
"How are things between you and her parents?" Gibert asked. Fred laughed.
"Good, as long as I stay here and don't talk to them."
"For someone who's trying to convince me that communication is the key to everything, you're seriously lacking, Wright."
"That I know it's the key doesn't mean I manage to do it. I'm nowhere close to perfect. And Ella's mother is a nutcase, Blythe. I just can't handle her, you know that. I tried, I failed. It's way better for everyone involved that I stay as far away as possible. What I do live by is communication with your partner, and you know I mean it. And live by it."
"Right," Gilbert replied, sighing, as they got to their cars. He waved Fred goodbye and went home. Anne was reading, her headphones on. He ate in silence, alone, not knowing what to do. The next day, he stayed late, even under Fred's stern gaze.
Meanwhile, Anne was out. She had decided to go to the central branch of the library in the afternoon. Once she had been able to, she had gone to get her library card and had occasionally gone to write in the library and to borrow books. It was a win-win situation, in her mind, because she managed to keep her reading while not buying everything… And they even had an app for e-books. So it was perfect. Today, however, the library represented the perfect excuse to not be at the apartment she was feeling more and more oppressive by the day, as if the walls were closing on her.
She was annoyed. The realization she had come to on Monday was still there, like a pulse inside her. Growing, somehow. She'd had one appointment with Patel since, and while she had discussed the evolution of the fight on Saturday and how she had come home with Gilbert and how she was still feeling, it had been clear by the end of the session she still had a lot of work to do. Him as well, most likely, but she was conscious this was also about her.
It wasn't that she felt they had jumped in too fast into the relationship and thus made a mess at the first inconvenience. It wasn't that. She knew she wanted to be with Gilbert, and knew he wanted to be with her as well. It wasn't that she was having second thoughts or not trusting him, or that she was desperately clinging to the past as had been her first fear. Not being able to let go of Winifred. But somehow… she had.
She had considered for a moment that maybe she was hung up on the blond woman and told as much to Patel, concerned. However, after going over that with him, it had been evident the blonde would always be a sore point, same as Billy Andrews would probably always be. But she wasn't acting out of that. Her discomfort wasn't rooted in that, it was rooted somewhere despite the Winifred topic being around. It had been just what had brought it up to the surface.
That wasn't to say that upon first hearing her she had not reacted badly and like a teen. She had, and it had been irrational, her mind cloudy and fixated on just going away. She was ashamed now of the way she had run out, leaving Gilbert standing there clad in a towel. It hadn't been fair, not really. But it was done… And she'd deal with it. But now, after going over it with Patel, she was sure next time Winifred appeared out of nowhere she wouldn't react the same way.
In the end, it came back again and again to the same thing she had realized on Monday. Gilbert and his stupid wish to protect her from everything. Which might sound romantic, yes, and a bit like in a knights novel… But this was real life, and she was no damsel in distress and was very capable of fighting her own battles, thank you very much.
She looked at the time, figuring she should get moving. The library was about to close, but she could get some coffee at a Tim Horton's nearby and walk leisurely back home. She took the books to the contactless machine to check them out as her phone started ringing. She bit her lips. Surely it wasn't him, right?
Call incoming: Bosom Friend
Huh. It wasn't that the call surprised her. She was Jerry's wife, after all, and he would surely have told her about her… About everything that had gone on the past Saturday. But that she hadn't received a worried call from her until now had been most unusual.
"Hey, Di," she replied in a low voice. "Please wait just a minute? Don't hang up."
"Ok…"
She finished the process, grabbed her receipt and went out of the big building.
"Ok, I can speak now. I was in the library, sorry," she said.
"In the library? At this time?"
"Well… I wanted some books, they have books, it seems clear to me. Plus, a change of scenery does wonders for my writing," she explained, looking around at the trees that were already changing colors. "But tell me about you, dearest Diana! How is everyone there? How's Marie?"
"Everyone's good. She's been learning how to read and it's the cutest thing ever to see her read something and be proud of herself," Diana said. "Listen… I hadn't called before because I imagined you would need some time to think and process everything that happened."
"That… makes sense," Anne replied.
"How are you doing? Honest? From what Jerry told me, last Saturday was… like a nightmare. He was at his parent's helping fix one of the machines on the farm… I don't even know what, but when he came at night he was still concerned about you."
"He did send me a message later that day."
"So how are you? I know Winifred is a sore point... "
"It's not even her, Di," Anne replied.
"Really? From what Jerry told me… and please, forgive me if I misunderstood everything, but it's like Winifred came back out from nowhere? As petulant as she's always been? And then Gilbert didn't tell you, you found out because she called him and all hell broke loose?" Diana said.
"That's… a very short summary, but yes, so far you're right," Anne conceded.
"Anne… Have you both talked about this?"
"About what?"
"Winifred, of course. The petulant English blonde," Diana replied, as if it was obvious.
"Of course we have. Back in… May? I don't remember. Di, why is the insistence with this topic? It's not like there's anything more to discuss about here, there really isn't."
"I just… I kind of feel like there has to be something else for you both to discuss, you know? For you to be this hung up in the past?" Diana said carefully, as if she was walking on the lake of shining waters during the winter. Anne rolled her eyes.
"Seriously, Di?"
"Well, yes…. Am I really that lost?"
"Di… we have talked about what we needed to talk in regards to her. I still have the void from the bonfire, and I always will, but I have come to terms with it and I'm not hung up in any of that anymore," she said. She heard Diana made some sort of skeptic noise. "Di, I'm being honest here."
"Are you? What's the problem then?"
"Look… Well, on Saturday it really was about Winifred, ok. And it sucked. But… After overreacting and making a huge mess… Not that Gilbert didn't, mind you, but I do know I have some responsibility in this subject, this is no longer about her. He did wrong, I did wrong, but I'm not hung up on Winifred. Not anymore. If anything, her calling Gilbert in that ridiculous way, looking back… I'm so glad I got the opportunity to tell her everything I think. Even if it was irrational at the time and the whole day was shitty. Now… I just feel liberated, you know?"
"You do?"
"Well, Winifred is trying to get Gilbert's attention in ways that might have worked when we were all teens, but I came to realize I'm… way more strong now, you know? Hearing her… it brought back so many memories. And I acted like… seventeen year old me, I guess," she explained. "But now, looking back to that after a few days… I'm not falling for that anymore. I may be emotional, I may have a lot of issues, but Winifred is no longer manipulating me. Last Saturday was the last time she did that. If she keeps calling, I'll just keep telling her off."
"If you say so…" Diana said, a little unsure. And Anne could understand her. After all, she had been hung up on that topic for years and years on end, turning around in a vicious cycle. A vicious cycle she had been working her ass off to dismantle for the past few months, since Fred had suggested she talked with Patel.
"I do, dear Diana. That's… Considering everything I have been working on with Patel and on this pandemic, honestly, once I saw how absurd a misunderstanding it was, it was easy to tear down. Easy compared to other issues, anyway, because I don't mean that all is well with me now," she insisted.
"Then what's the problem now? With Gilbert? You mentioned something, right?"
"It's… when I went back home with him the other day, I felt something was off. I believe what he said and even after talking with Patel on Tuesday, I understand this is not really about Winifred anymore, as I've been telling you. And… Probably I'm fucking this up more right now, but I just can't stand him in this moment."
"What do you mean?" Diana asked, clearly not following up. Which was understandable, Anne guessed. She wasn't in her head.
"I want to be with Gilbert. I really want to. I do believe we're right for each other and we have so many projects… I want to spend my life with him. But my main problem right now is that I'm mad at Gilbert and can't stand him. I want to spend my life with him but I can't stand him right now, and… I haven't figured out how to do so."
"How can you not stand him?" Diana asked, confused. "You're talking about Gilbert, Anne. If… You two have had about the best chemistry ever. How can you suddenly not stand him?"
"Ok, not all of him. Just his… overprotective streak. And this politeness, was he always like this, Di?"
"How?"
"Obnoxiously polite?" Anne specified, still annoyed at the subject. Diana snorted.
"You are talking about Gilbert, Anne. Being polite goes hand in hand with him. His father wouldn't have it any other way. Anyone could be as… rude as ever, but his father never allowed him to lower himself to that level. Probably it got more ingrained than it should?"
"Yeah, right," Anne said, still annoyed. She had grown to be polite out of necessity (it was usually for the best in the orphanage and foster homes), but she also knew where to draw the line. And apparently, there weren't lines in Gilbert's world.
"How come he fought with Billy Andrews so much?"
"He messed with you, Anne. If there's anything he can't tolerate is anyone speaking ill of you. That continued even after you guys weren't talking."
"Huh… And Winifred? Why be polite to her now? If she's… never been generally that nice with me?" she asked.
"Probably she ignored you when she texted him? Back then, it was like we didn't existed for her, remember? Like we were beneath her, part of the decor. She didn't acknowledge us in any way, to the point she was never directly rude to us…"
"Well, she was… Not greeting someone you have directly in front while you're saying hi to the person next, doesn't make sense."
"I know. I agree with you. But she didn't speak ill of you. You just didn't exist for her. I didn't either, out of association," Diana said. "Gilbert… he was being stupid at the time, he's said as much for years. And once he realized… Well, he broke things with her."
"But it was too late with me and I was too stubborn and childish to pay any attention," Anne concluded. "I know. It's old history now. Still, so you think he was polite just because she didn't mention me?"
"That would be my guess. As long as she didn't say a word about you, he could be dismissive and just… ignore the subject," Diana provided. Anne sighed.
"Still. It's Winifred. Seeing her name should come with a warning," she said.
"So… How are you going to solve things?"
"Right now, I have no idea… Some days I just want to take some distance to think, you know? But everything at our home screams him and I can't clear my mind. So I've been going out to ride on the bicycle and to the library… But I almost feel like I should go away for a few days. Just to think. It's not like… I really think Gilbert is the man with whom I will spend my life. I love him. I just… need some distance, but I haven't managed to get it, and… I don't know, Di," she confessed. "I'll probably get out of this in a few days."
"You should talk with him. About how you're feeling."
"He'll think it's about Winifred. Just like you did," she said, not wanting to have all this conversation once more. It was tiring. "Can we change the subject now?"
"Will you tell me if there's anything more? I just want to be there for both of you. Support in any way I can."
"I know, Di. And I thank you. But for now, I just want to think about something else. Tell me more about Marie… I was recalling the other day when you told me you were pregnant," she said, changing the subject dramatically. But she didn't care. She just wanted to think about something else for a while.
Saturday morning was when the situation imploded. There was no other way. Both of them had had enough, a week like that was a week too much. They were having a quiet breakfast (he had offered to prepare oatmeal, and she had shrugged her shoulders), some low music in the background.
"Anne-girl…" he said softly, trying to catch her attention. "Can we talk after breakfast?"
"Sure," she said, looking back at the oats and banana. Diana was right, after all. Probably speaking was the best course of action… Going away couldn't really solve what a chat could, right?
They didn't say much more and she continued to read on her phone. Or pretend to read, since she wasn't really focusing that much. When they were done, she picked the dishes as Gilbert put on some water to boil for a tea. They sat on the sofa, looking at each other, cups in hand. Anne sighed, not really wanting to do this even if she knew it was necessary. Gilbert stayed in silence as well, not even knowing what to say, how to begin.
"What's going on between us?" he finally asked, his voice soft, maybe slightly defeated. He looked up from his cup to her eyes. She shrugged.
"I don't know, Gilbert," she replied.
"It's just… I feel like we're avoiding each other, and it's just getting worse. We… There's something going on between us, Anne, and I want to… talk about it. I don't like being like this with you, not when… when everything was going so well," he said.
"And what do you want me to say?" she replied, defensive. He sighed. He didn't want to accuse her. He knew he was probably at fault, considering his poor handling of Winifred's issue. And he felt that, even if she had said she believed him, she could still be hung up on that. He had been an idiot, after all. Engaging in a chat with the blonde, even as small as it was… It wasn't worth the risk, considering that he had no intention of having her in his life. But if it wasn't that what was keeping Anne away from him… He just didn't know what it was.
"Can you tell me why you're angry with me, please? So I can do better? I… I understand last week was hard, with Winifred's business and all. But…"
"It's not her," Anne interrupted him. "Not anymore, at least."
"Then what is it, Anne-girl?" he asked, hoping his voice wasn't tinted with the desperation he felt. Anne looked at her hands, then at him. "If we can't talk, how are we supposed to make it better?" he added when it was clear she wasn't going to reply. She bit her lip and swallowed, uncomfortable.
"It's you," she finally said.
"I… I figured that much, Carrots," he said tentatively. Because that was the one thing he had known these days: Anne was still angry with him, and he just had no idea why or how to make it better. "Can you… can you maybe give me more details? So that I can… make it better, or apologize, or work on it, or… whatever is needed so that we can move forward?"
"How can you be so obnoxiously polite?" she finally asked, her tone annoyed. Diana had explained what she thought the other day, but… Surely there was something else to it, right?
"Beg your pardon?" he said even without thinking.
"See? It's… it's a reflex!"
"And you're angry with me because I'm polite? Anne, that doesn't make any sense."
"I'm angry with you because you don't seem to know where to draw the line between being polite and just cutting off people!
"So this is about Winifred, then?"
"No, Gilbert! This is about your reaction to her! Engaging with her! Talking with her for days because it's the polite thing to do . Sometimes it's good not to be polite! Sometimes it's good to block people off! Or would you have me talking with Lincoln just because it's the polite thing to do?" she asked, starting to get riled up. How could he not tell the difference between this being about that woman and this being about… his attitude?
"Anne, don't joke about that," he said, not even considering letting Anne go near Lincoln again. Or Daniel.
"I'm not joking, Gilbert. I'm seriously not. But see it from my perspective. Talking with Winifred because it's polite? What the fuck?"
"So yes, I made a mistake, I accept that. Now I'm a little less… ignorant with technology and I can block people. Is it absurd I didn't know how to do that? Yes, absolutely. If something like this ever happens in the future, I will handle it better, I won't… engage out of being polite," he acknowledged. "I'm honestly sorry about that and I see where you're coming from with your anger. But seriously, you're angry with me and you've been avoiding me the whole week because I'm polite?" he said, frowning, not believing this could be the whole story. Even with Anne being stubborn and set on her ways, it was… so out of proportion.
"Not just because you're polite, Gilbert," she said, frustrated. Gilbert stayed in silence, wanting to give her space to collect her thoughts. She sighed. "Because you're polite when you really shouldn't and because you spend months and months saying we should talk and solve things and then when something like this comes along… You just don't say anything?"
"Seriously, Anne? So again, is this about Winifred?"
"For god's sake, Gilbert, this is not about Winifred. This is about your attitude regarding the whole situation! Are you that daft?" she asked, leaving the cup on the table as she lost her patience and standing up. He had to be doing it on purpose!
"Anne... " he said, standing up as well. "Please, let's talk about this."
"Well we are! Or how would you call what we're doing? Because it certainly feels more like talking than the way you handled that situation all through last month," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. He frowned.
"So this is because I didn't tell you before?"
"Yes! Yes, it is, Gilbert! Is it that hard to see? Why one earth would you hide that if there truly was nothing to worry about? Nothing to hide?" she asked, looking at him in the eyes. He frowned, trying to understand her anger and her insistence about this not being about Winifred. "And I do believe you when you said there was nothing going on between you and her, it's not that! Before you ask once more if this is about Winifred, because it truly isn't!"
"Because it was Winifred! I want her out of our lives, I didn't want to talk about her, even less with you!" he explained, exasperated, as she collected the dirty dishes and took them to the kitchen in an angry haste. He waited to see if she would come back to the island, but then went to where she was standing in front of the sink. "Anne, you keep saying this is not about Winifred but you keep going back to it!"
"I keep going on about how you treated me ! Like I'm fragile and breakable and can't handle anything! I'm not weak, Gilbert, I can handle life! This is how you pretend we handle stuff in our lives?"
"What, because your strategy of not talking at all has worked so well this past week?" he asked, starting to get unsettled. She was about to reply, but he continued, because he wanted to make at least something clear. "I don't think you're weak, Anne. I think you're incredibly strong and resilient. But if I can keep Winifred out of our lives, I will keep her out."
"And engaging with her without telling me is keeping her out?"
"Fuck, I already apologized about that! It was poorly managed on my part and it can be taken in a lot of different ways, yes! But the only thing I was trying to do was to keep her at bay, keep her out as much as I could! Once Fred showed me how to block her I did, Anne! Again, if there's any way I can keep her as far off as it's possible, I will!" he said, exasperated. He could easily see how he had done wrong. He was very aware of all his mistakes along the way. But in truth, everything had been done out of his concern of this getting out of hand… which it had. The only thing he had done other than that was ask for that paper her father had written, because he hadn't been able to find it elsewhere and the regular channels would take way too long. And the kid was way too sick.
"So you're deciding for me?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Deciding for… Anne, really?" he asked, her attitude just surprising him. "Why are you so caught up in this? Is it that hard to see that I did that because I care for you? Because I love you?"
"Or because you think I can't handle Winifred."
"Considering you ran out before even allowing me to talk to you, was I really that wrong? When you had said you were done running away?" he countered without even thinking. Anne thinned her eyes, her cheeks blushing in anger. "Anne, in what respects to Winifred, you're just stuck in the past, same as she is! Obviously for different reasons, but the th…"
"Just shut up before you fuck up even more, Gilbert," she interrupted him, her voice cold. "I'm not hung up on the past. I thought I might be, yes, but I am not. You could use talking instead of trying to assume you're the one who knows best. You don't, you're just ridiculously private and think you're the best guy for it. You're not, it's just shitty when everything ends out in the open anyway." Gilbert couldn't help but let a laugh out at the absurdity of what Anne was saying, which he knew was a mistake as she groaned in anger and frustration. "Seriously? You're laughing now?"
"I'm laughing at you coming back to me for not communicating when you've been avoiding me the whole week. It's ridiculous."
"What's ridiculous is this whole thing, Gilbert Blythe!" she exclaimed.
"What's ridiculous is how you're holding on anything just to be able to be right!"
"I am right!"
"You are about some things, yes, but not about everything! Yes, I was wrong to not tell you about Winifred, and ok, I have to do better about not being polite to everyone all the time, I get that. It was a very poor handling of a very delicate situation on my part. I totally take responsibility for that. And I'm sorry I didn't do better last week. But don't you think this is all out of proportion? Don't you think, don't you honestly think you're not holding onto the past more than it's worth anymore?"
"I'm not holding onto the past, and you keep treating me like a kid!"
"Anne, I'm not talking to you like a kid, come on!" he replied, losing his patience. Or what was left of it. "I'm just trying to fix this problem but you're being your stubborn self, as always, holding onto things that don't make sense just because you end up having the last word! It's not necessary to have the last word, you don't have to always have the last word in every discussion!"
"Oh, so now you're saying I have to win this? Like it's a stupid competition and not our lives?"
"Anne you don't have to be the owner of truth. If anyone has to win this, is the two of us against the problem. But the thing is that you're behaving like you have to know everything in the world, you're being childish and stubborn, Anne, and you know it yourself," he said, looking at her pointedly.
"Gilbert…."
"Anne, for all I love you, you are stubborn and you're holding onto this more than it's necessary. It's childish, really, the way you're doing it, creating all this big drama just because you need to reinforce something… I get you didn't have the easiest start in life, but…"
"Shut up right now, Gilbert," she said in such a quiet voice he almost didn't listen.
"You know you're doing that, Anne," he said, calmly.
"I know you're being an ass, that's what I know," she replied. "You're being a condescending ass, thinking you're the big person here, thinking you're oh so great because you're Gilbert Blythe and Gilbert Blythe is never wrong…"
"Anne, I just said I was wrong. About many things. I'm no innocent party in this, not at all. I fucked up in the whole way I managed Winifred last week, I agree with you. But I'm being accountable for those," he interrupted her. "Don't start inventing things just so they fit your argument. And I am definitely not condescending. I'm trying to handle this situation so we can both be well again."
"Yes, right, because you're the big man, the mature one who knows what's best? What kind of paternalist and retrograde attitude is that?" she insisted. He blinked in surprise. "See? You can't even say anything against it. And you have me here, all twisted up in this apartment, telling me you just want me to write…" At least that's what he'd been telling her for so long. For months. And she had believed him. "But is that true, Gilbert? Do you want me to write because it's my passion or because it serves you well? Because that way I can be here and easy to manage?"
"Anne, stop right there, you're saying things that don't make any sense," he said. "I am not doing that and you know it as well as I do, you're just seeing what you want. I'm not playing a double agenda here, I just want you happy. Us happy. Of course I want you to write because it's your passion, but if you want to do anything else, by all means, do anything else."
"See? You want to sell me this… this nice idea, but then you're withholding information and…," she trailed off. Gilbert didn't speak, not even understanding how this conversation was going. "And I do know I didn't have the… comfortable beginning you had, Gilbert, and I understand it impacts my life every day, but bringing it up is just plain nasty," Anne said, her voice full of pain and her eyes glassy.
"I… you're right. I apologize for that," he said, motioning to hold her hand. He held it softly. "I am sorry. I spoke without thinking," he said, feeling terrible. He sighed. Everything about this conversation was just going in the worst direction possible. He wished they could hit pause and just come back when they were calmer. She looked at him, her eyes shiny, still angry. His hand shot to his head and he tried again. "Anne, I already explained why…" but he stopped as Anne shook her head.
She breathed deeply, closing her eyes. She couldn't be with him while she couldn't reconcile the image she thought she had of Gilbert… the Gilbert that wanted her to pursue her passions, that loved her so unconditionally, and the image of a Gilbert that treated her like she couldn't handle information, like she was breakable. Her anger seemed to disappear with that realization. Because in the end, it was the thing that was bothering her the most. It was the thing that had kept her from talking with him the whole week, not being able to reconcile… anything.
"You know what? I can't do this." she finally said after a moment of silence.
"You can't do what? Try and solve this with me?" Gilbert said, frowning, taken aback by her calm tone.
"Be with you," she said. She saw his mouth slightly open in sheer surprise, his eyebrows shooting up in the fear of losing her. How could this be coming to this? "I just can't, Gilbert. I can't reconcile… you, and your actions."
"Me and my actions?" he repeated, breathless.
"What I want to believe you are and how you've been the past few weeks. I can't. I need some space."
"Anne… You can't be meaning this," he said, his voice slightly desperate, not wanting to believe her words, the crippling fear expanding through his body. Somehow, she wasn't yelling anymore. She was… talking calmly, and rationally, and he was sure she had come to some sort of realization in her mind that made her reach that conclusion. Which was way scarier than Anne yelling at him how wrong he was about everything.
"I'm sorry, Gilbert, but I… I do," she said, going to the table where she had left her phone.
"Anne, please, just explain it to me? If we talk it through, if we…" he said, walking to where she was. "Anne, you can't be serious about going…" he said. Was she going again? After last week? After all… After everything?
"I can't be here, Gilbert. Not when I don't know anymore who you are," she said. "I need to think. Just a few days."
**Anne S-C (9:41): Cole, can I go to your place, please?
"Anne, you can't really be going," Gilbert said. "You can't, not when we have… when we have so many plans, when we're finally…"
**Cole (9:42): Nan, what's going on?
**Anne S-C (9:42): I need some time away from Gilbert. Can I?
**Cole (9:42): I don't think this is a good idea, but of course you can stay here. Do you want me to pick you up?
**Anne S-C (9:43): Please.
"Please leave me alone, Gilbert," she said, looking to the floor and going to the bedroom and softly closing the door behind her, in a way oddly reminiscent of the spring. Only now the leaves were starting to yellow, instead of starting to grow. She sat on the floor against the door, hugging her knees and feeling tears come to her eyes suddenly, as she felt the weight of what she was doing. He didn't try to stop her, for which she was grateful, but she heard a sliding noise behind her and knew he was there. Nothing happened for several minutes.
"Anne?" he said tentatively a while later, his voice broken. She didn't reply. "I know you can hear me. These walls are thin enough," he said and then paused for a moment. "I have faith in us. In us talking, in us solving problems, in us being strong. But we can't do it if one of us is not talking. I… I am a perfect example of that, because it's what led us to this situation," he continued. "And I am deeply sorry. It's… It's a bad habit I've had for many years, keeping things to myself. And I shouldn't really keep them from you, not when I… when I hope we'll spend our lives together. Please, don't go. Let us work this out," he insisted.
She didn't reply. Not for a few minutes, anyway, trying to think of what to say. Them two, talking without thinking, that didn't help. He did have a good point, but at the same time… She needed time to think. It was something that had been on the back of her mind for days, the talk with Diana coming back to her. They could always talk afterwards, right? She wanted some distance to clear her head, but that didn't mean she wanted him out forever. Probably. She couldn't actually picture her life without him.
"Anne-girl… please talk to me? I don't want us to be apart anymore. Not when we finally found each other after so many years," he said, and she heard a thump as he probably rested his head against the door. She sighed and cleaned her nose. "Carrots?"
"I want to fix this too, Gil," she finally acknowledged. "But I need time. I need to think. I can't… I can't do this, not like this. It can't come to this."
"Come to what? I'm… I'm not perfect, Anne. But I'm willing to do my best to improve, to…"
"I still need time," she insisted, getting up and going to the closet. She took out her carry on and packed some clothes… hanging on to the hope they would actually solve this mess. She just needed some days. They could probably figure this out. Right? She sat on the bed and a few minutes passed before she felt her phone buzz again, a message from Cole telling her he was downstairs. She breathed deeply, unsure of what she was doing but grasping on the idea of needing time to think . She stood up and went to the door. Gilbert stood up quickly, his eyes red rimmed and eyebrows concerned.
"Anne, let's talk. We can sort this through," he tried. She really could not be leaving, could she?
"Gilbert, just… Just give me some time? To think?" she pleaded. She wasn't that sure about the decision she was making, and Gilbert urging her to stay wasn't helping much. But she needed to know where she stood in regards to him and his closedness, and how she felt about writing and not doing anything else while he was a successful doctor. She had thought she had come to terms with that, but clearly, it wasn't the case. Was he really doing that out of love, as even Jerry insisted? Why was she having so many doubts, then?
"Anne-girl…" he said softly, sighing. "At least let me help you bring your bag downstairs?"
"There's no need, Gil."
"How… You're not leaving for good, are you?" he asked, unsure, his voice fragile. She bit her lip.
"I hope not. I… I love you, Gil. I just need a few days to put my thoughts in order and… see how we can move from this," she confessed, giving him the slightest of hope. He walked her to the hallway and waited as she put on her shoes, opening the door when she was ready.
"Anne? Please know how much I love you. Whatever…. Whatever you need to think, as long as you need, please know how much I love you," he said, trying to keep his voice from cracking. "I've made mistakes, yes, but they weren't done with any ill at heart or because I think I'm in any way better or..."
"I love you too, Gil," was the only thing she replied. Because she did, with all her heart, and what she had told Diana still stood. She still believed Gilbert was the man for her, same as she was the woman for him. She gave him a kiss on the cheek, which somehow hurt even more than if she hadn't given him one at all, and then she was gone.
He closed the door silently and went to the living room. The music was still in the background. He shut it off. He stayed there, in the silence of the apartment, trying to picture any sort of future that didn't include Anne in it. It just wasn't possible. There was no way he could go back to… whatever he was doing before he had picked her up in Toronto, all hostile but caring. Because no one would convince him of her not caring, now. Not by the way she had nurtured their home even when they weren't on speaking terms. And now she wasn't anymore. How long could he wait? How long did she need to think? What did she need to think? He felt he was going mental and she had just gone. The place seemed to scream her absence.
**Gilbert Blythe (10:41): Are you awake?
**Fred (10:42): Of course. What's up?
**Gilbert Blythe (10:42): Anne left.
He felt a knot on his throat as he sent the message. Even in between the silence, it seemed to make it more real. His phone started buzzing almost immediately. Fred. Of course. He answered the call, but didn't really talk.
"Blythe, come over now," Fred said, his voice concerned and serious. "Don't stay there alone."
"I just… Fred, she left," was the only thing Gilbert could reply. He couldn't move from there. It seemed unreal. The whole week seemed like something from an alternate world. An evil, horrible one.
"I'll go over then."
He didn't move from where he was. Not even when he heard the door open and Bear's heavy steps running towards him. Fred was following closely behind and, as he saw him, shook his head before sitting next to him.
"What happened, Blythe?"
"I… apparently, I care too much in a way Anne finds condescending and retrograde," he explained, his sight still lost in the void. Fred frowned. "Oh, and I am too polite."
"What?"
"You heard me, Wright. She needs time to think about how to reconcile me and my actions… or that's what she said," he said, because he wasn't about to explain more. They stayed in silence for some minutes, Bear smelling all the plants he hadn't yet seen. It had been many months since he had last come to the apartment, but eventually he went to lie down in front of Gilbert.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Fred finally asked, but he hadn't even finished formulating the question when Gilbert replied, his tone serious and clipped, reminiscing of when they had first met in college.
"No."
"Ok then. Come, let's go out. There's no sense in you ruminating about all this," Fred said, his own voice not leaving room for discussion. They went to grab some takeaway and then to a dog park with Bear and Gilbert ran and played with him, trying to keep his mind off Anne. He couldn't hold himself anymore in the early afternoon and he quickly texted Cole. He just needed to know how Anne was.
**Gilbert Blythe (15:36): Please tell me how she is, Cole.
**Cole (15:38): Calm. She went out with Roy.
**Cole (15:41): I'll keep you posted.
**Gilbert Blythe (15:42): Thanks. Please take care of her for me? I'm going mental.
**Cole (15:42): Will do. And I know. This situation doesn't make sense.
"Blythe," Fred called him. Gilbert looked up. "I asked you if you wanted to spend the night at my place. Or until she comes back."
"Thank you," Gilbert said. He wasn't looking forward to going to his place, to the silence and emptiness. "I… can't face sleeping in our room without her, as it is."
"I know. That's why I offered. Come, let's go pick some clothes for you so you don't have to keep going. You can get your car as well," Fred said. Gilbert nodded and they went in silence.
Fred left him at the entrance, as Gilbert was going to drive back so he had the car at Fred's in case Anne called and he could go pick her up. He entered the code on the door and entered the space, an eerie silence surrounding him. None of the warm lights on. No music. Nothing on the stove. He swallowed, going to the bedroom and looking for a tote bag, putting a couple of changes of clothes and some toiletries.
He added the book Fred had given him to try to keep his mind entertained and saw the remnants of the breakfast on the island. He cursed, not believing the poor evolution of the past week. From the most perfect birthday… to an empty house. To Anne not knowing if she was coming back. Saying only she hoped to do so. He put the dishes on the dishwasher and walked to the bedroom. His phone rang and he hurriedly took it out of his pocket. Diana.
"Hi, Di," he said.
"How are you, Gilbert? Cole was just telling me about the mess… He texted me Anne's staying at his place for a few days. How are you feeling? What's going on now?"
"Like shit, Di. I can't… I just can't," he cracked. He sat down on the bed, facing the dresser. Where Anne had put a recent photo of them, framed. From when they had gone to Montreal. He swallowed.
"You know we are here for you, right? For you both."
"I do… I just… I can't be without her, Diana. Not anymore. Not after…" he sighed, not wanting to cry anymore. He couldn't even remember the last day he had cried so much. Well. He could. Last Saturday.
"Both of you being together… That's the best thing that has happened to both of you in so many years. It has brought so much good in each of you, you both have been so much more stable... I'm not sure what's going on in her mind, but I'll call her tomorrow. At least so I can understand what's going on. I'm just worried about you both. Please, take care of you?"
"I will."
"Are you alone?"
"Well, yes," he confirmed.
"Can't you go to Fred and Ella's place? I… think it would be better for you to have some company?"
"I'm just picking up stuff, and then I'm heading there."
"Good. Reach out if you need to talk, Gilbert. We are here for you. We truly are," she insisted.
"I know," he answered. "I have to leave now… But thank you. I really appreciate knowing you're there."
"Anytime, Gilbert. Anytime."