Apologies for the wait everyone. My work schedule has been seriously interfering with how much time I'm able to spend writing lately. One of my fellow part timers injured himself, and that means not only an extra shift I'm having to take per week, but also that they're having me spend way more time working consecutive days. Too many 7 day stretches of work too close together can really sap your energy for other things, like writing.
But you aren't here to read about that, so let's get on with the chapter.
Chapter 45: Martyr Complex
I feel like a man walking towards the executioner's block.
Appropriate, since my actions could easily be argued as treason. Despite Emmeryn's best efforts I believe it's still an executable offense, though even in my current state I don't believe Chrom would go that far.
Still, the doors in front of me feel like the last thing standing between me and utter ruin. There's nothing fancy about them, mind you. Just a simple set of dark wooden doors, leading into a simple room with a simple table. Despite the way they loom in my mind, they aren't even particularly large.
What terrifies me is what lays on the other side. And what I've come here to do.
I need to rethink this. I could be making such a huge mistake. If… if I do this, it could mean ruining everything. The path to victory could be gone… just like that. Grima will destroy everything if I make the wrong choice here. If I go through with this the world could very well suffer for it.
But… if I don't… My family will fall apart. Cordelia will never trust me again.
Walking away from this could mean walking away from my last chance to make things right.
And with that in mind I step up to the door.
"You sure you're up for this Chuckles?" Gaius asks from behind me. "I know you're still scared shitless that this is going to break something."
"I'm not up for this at all, actually." I reply. "But Cordelia told me to do this, so I'm going to do it. And… if I'm going to take a chance on anyone, it's her. And the Shepherds. Everyone here has earned that much from me after all this time."
"Alright… well if you feel like you're really falling apart just give me a signal. I can make a distraction or something. Flip a table maybe, I dunno."
"Steal another pie?" I joke nervously.
"After what Sumia nearly did to me last time? No thanks, I choose life." Gaius replies with a grimace. "That is right up there with the Sled Incident for things I never want to experience again."
"Table flipping it is then." I nod, stepping up to the door and putting my hand on the handle. I'm feeling a bit calmer now. Calm enough to take the next step, at least. "Thanks Gaius."
"You got it Chuckles."
I brace myself. And open the door.
In stark contrast to the cold fear gripping me right now, the room Cordelia chose to gather everyone is very warm and inviting. Knowing her this is intentional. Either to make me feel better, or make the others comfortable enough that they might feel less inclined to rip me apart. It's rather similar to the room where I first met Khan Flavia, but as we're meeting in the middle of summer rather than early winter there's no roaring fire. Instead the room is lit by fragrant candles, and the sun shining in through wide windows. There's a ring of comfortable chairs and couches around the room, and an elaborately weaved rug on the floor. Khan Basilio's sense of décor is decidedly more high class than Flavia's furs and antlers; the result of his many years of rule and his control of major trade routes in the north.
And seated around the room is all of the most highly ranked men and women in the Shepherds. Chrom, Robin, and Frederick, the latter looking no less imposing despite still recovering from his injuries. And representing the women of the Shepherds are Lissa, Maribelle, and Sumia. In addition to these there is also Cordelia, who has been waiting for me by the door. And finally, lurking in the corner is Tharja, who is probably here because Robin is, and therefore is impossible to remove.
Most of them do not know it yet, but they have all been brought here to judge me. A jury of my peers. And so when I enter the room fully, and their conversations stop, and they all turn to me… I feel my heart begin to hammer in my chest once more.
Before I can begin to panic, Gaius' hand thuds into my back, sending me stumbling forward. "Come on Chuckles, you're blocking the door!" He passes by me, pausing briefly to mutter into my ears, "Remember, say the word and that table's going right out the window." Then he shoots me a wink, and moves to take a seat next to Maribelle, who shuffles closer to Lissa to make room with hardly so much as a glance.
Well, hardly a glance at Gaius, that is. She's staring at me instead. Everyone in the room is, as a matter of fact. "I… guess Cordelia told you all I was the one calling this meeting, huh?" I note, feeling my stress skyrocketing as everyone stares.
"She did." Chrom replies. "Refused to tell us what it was about, just that you needed to talk to all of us about something. All of the… leaders, so to speak."
"Which makes me wonder what Gaius is doing here." Frederick notes drily.
"Emotional support." Gaius says, leaning back on the sofa and moving as if to put his feet up on the table. A sharp look from Maribelle has him quickly planting his feet back on the floor.
"I see." Chrom notes with some amusement, looking to me. "And here I thought I'd be 'the first to know' when you felt like talking."
"You didn't get me drunk though, did you?" I shoot back immediately, smirk forming on my face. This kind of dumb banter with Chrom really has become reflexive at this point, and goes a long way towards making me feel lighter.
Just in time for me to make things get heavy again. "So, uhh… I guess I should get to why I called you all here…" And then I trail off. It becomes impossible to speak. This is it. The literal moment of truth. If I speak up now, everything will be different. There's no avoiding that; coming out with this knowledge will change things. If I speak up now, I could damn everyone.
I'm about to step off the route that prevents the apocalypse.
"Hey." Gaius calls out. I look up and see the rest of the room watching me with concern. All but Gaius, who nods his head towards Cordelia. Cordelia who is watching me from the side. Cordelia who has schooled her face into the picture of calm, even though I know she wants me to speak, wants it badly enough to have spent the past day arranging this meeting for me. I don't know if she's trying to ease the pressure on me with that gaze, or trying to temper her own expectations. Is she encouraging me? Does she have any faith in me at all?
Should she?
No. After failing her the way I did she has no possible reason to believe in me.
…So let's fucking give her one.
"Everyone." I look back to the rest of the room. "I have been lying to you. All of you. From the moment I first met each and every one of you I have kept secrets. And because I kept those secrets, a great many people died."
The room was already quiet, but as I say this it feels like the silence deepens somehow. As if everyone in the room has collectively held their breath. And in this silence I force my eyes away from everyone in the room, and begin to speak as though the others aren't there. Just like my drama days, I have to pretend the audience doesn't exist, so stage fright doesn't steal my words away. "When I was first asked to join the Shepherds, I told everyone a little about my circumstances. That I was from another world. That I had no knowledge of fighting, or killing, or war. That I knew you all from stories in my homeland. All of this was true."
"Then-" Chrom begins to speak. I barrel right past him.
"What I lied about was the nature of the story I've been told." I say, feeling myself begin to tremble. Get it out. Just get it all out, as quickly as possible, before you come to your senses! "They weren't fairy tales. They weren't simple stories for children. No. The story I was told was one of a Prince who finds an amnesiac tactician lying asleep in the middle of a field-"
"What?" Chrom blinks in surprise.
"-and invites him to join his group, the Shepherds. Together they go on many adventures-"
"You're not seriously suggesting…?" Maribelle stares in growing horror.
"- Travelling to Ferox to form an alliance-"
"All this time…" Robin says thoughtfully.
"- Stopping an assassination-"
"I don't believe it." Frederick's expression is torn between shock and fury.
"-Failing to save an Exalt-"
"No! You couldn't have-" Lissa shakes her head in desperate denial, searching my expression. I keep my gaze fixated ahead, even as my face twists in anguish.
"-and killing a mad king." I conclude. "Everything we've been through since I joined was a part of the story. Maribelle's kidnapping. The death of the Pegasus Knights. Emmeryn. All of it. I knew and I said nothing."
The room falls into silence once again, but rather than the empty feeling of before this is more akin to the calm before the storm. The moment of anticipation right before an explosion.
And I'm not surprised when the first to blow up is Frederick. "You… miserable ingrate." He snarls, getting to his feet. "Are you telling me, after everything we've done for you… after everything we've been through, you've been lying to us this whole time!?"
I meet his eyes, resigning myself to my fate. "Yes." I say, the word coming barely as a whisper.
The instant I give my answer the knight explodes into action. And the others move nearly as quickly in response. Chrom and Robin attempt to grab at Frederick before he can enact whatever violent retribution he has in mind for me. Maribelle and Sumia rise to their feet, voices filled with outrage and alarm respectively. Cordelia, to my surprise, places herself in front of the furious knight, pushing me back towards the door with one arm.
And Gaius, outspeeding everyone else, kicks the table. Right into Frederick's path. And the knight, perhaps due to his lingering injuries, is unable to stop himself in time. He cracks his shin against the table and overbalances, falling hard onto the floor while bellowing like a wounded animal.
It would be rather comical, if it wasn't for the murder in his eyes. Instead I'm just overwhelmed at the danger I'm in. And, more importantly, "Cordelia, what are you doing? You can't-"
"I'm going to let you get away with trying to tell me that this once, Ben, because I realize that you aren't in a sound state of mind." Cordelia says, watching intently as Chrom, Robin, and Gaius wrestle Frederick back. "But once this ordeal is over I expect an apology from you for thinking, for even an instant, that you have any business telling me what I can or cannot do."
"Stand down, Frederick!" Chrom yells, straining to stop Frederick from beating the shit out of me.
"TRAITOR!" Frederick bellows, showing no signs of hearing Chrom's words. "I TRUSTED YOU! EMMERYN TRUSTED YOU!"
His tirade comes to an abrupt halt when a pale, slender hand snakes into the middle of the tangle of people and taps him on the temple, and he suddenly collapses to the ground. "Thought he'd never shut up." Tharja sneers, staring down at Frederick.
"Tharja!" Chrom gapes in shock.
"What? He's just sleeping!" Tharja says defensively, slinking back to her corner. "You should be thanking me. Not like we could have a conversation with him acting like that."
There's a moment of quiet as the others regard the unconscious knight, before Maribelle finally speaks up. "If I'm being quite honest, I can't say I entirely disagree with Frederick's actions. I'm hardly one for bellowing like a madman, but…"
"I think it might be best if I talk from here." Robin says, raising a hand, "Because while I wasn't expecting this information any more than the rest of you, I find it clears up some questions I've been reflecting on for some time now."
"Yes, let's try to let cooler heads prevail." Sumia says. "Though before anything else, let's get poor Frederick seated again. Lying on the ground like that can't be good for his injury."
"Oops." Tharja says, sounding only slightly genuine.
"Right." Chrom takes one of Frederick's shoulders, attempting to haul him back to his seat. After a moment I move to assist, knowing that other than Chrom I'm the next best for the job out of everyone in the room. Not the best fighter by any means, but I can lift. And thankful as I am to Tharja, I can't say I blame him for reacting the way he did either.
I don't think anyone does, really. Everywhere I look I see the friends I've made either watching me with distrust, or not looking at me at all. The only friendly face left in the room is Gaius, who can only offer a sympathetic smile and a shrug. Yeah, he's… not wrong. This is pretty much exactly what I expected.
So, now I need to answer everyone's questions as best as I can and… take my lumps, I guess. So I turn to Robin, who has pulled out a notebook and is scratching away at a lightning pace, brow furrowed. After a moment he looks up to me with deadly focus. "My first question: is there anyone among the Shepherds who know of this other than Gaius and Cordelia?"
"…Not to my knowledge." I reply after thinking it over carefully. "It's possible that my kids have some knowledge of things, but I never directly told them."
"Then how would they know?" Robin raises an eyebrow, before shaking his head. "Wait, that's not important right now. My next question… Have you been using your knowledge to succeed in combat? Tactically speaking?"
"No." I reply without hesitation. "My knowledge is more focused on broader events. Very little if any of the knowledge I've had of battles from my stories has translated into real life. Troop numbers, terrain, enemy movements… none of it is captured accurately in the story I know."
"Does this inaccuracy extend to dates?"
"It does. The story makes no real mention of the passing of time. It implies that events happen one after another without pause, which means I've had no way of knowing when an event would happen."
"I can confirm this." Cordelia speaks up. "We were together the night of the assassination attempt. Severa came to tell us the assassination was happening, and from the way Ben spoke it was clear that while he knew they'd attempt to assassinate the Exalt, he had no idea when."
"And again I find myself wondering how Severa would know this." Robin looks between the two of us suspiciously.
"Leave that for now." Chrom raises a hand.
"What?" Robin looks over to Chrom, eyes wide. "But, Chrom-"
"Severa's situation is… well, not unique, but certainly unusual." Chrom shakes his head. "I can explain it in better detail later. For now… let's continue to deal with this."
"…Fine then." Robin frowns, looking back to me. "My next question… you were aware my plan to save Emmeryn would fail."
"…I was."
"Then when you rushed into the courtyard, it was because you had formed your own plan and were attempting to enact it, correct?"
"Yes." I blink, "That's exactly right."
"I thought so…" Robin nods thoughtfully. "It struck me as odd later, that you were prepared to rush in the way you did while the rest of us were still frozen in shock. You knew that I would fail. And when everything went wrong you rushed in afterwards. Do you know what this tells me, Ben?"
"…Uhh. Couldn't say. I don't consider myself stupid or anything, but you're definitely a hell of a lot smarter than I am, so who knows how much farther you can go with that than I could." I frown, watching the look on his face.
"You intended to save Emmeryn. That much is clear. But in spite of this you didn't tell me my plan would fail. You waited for my plan to fail intentionally, then moved in in the aftermath. There's only one reason I can think of for you to do this…" Robin looks up at me, eyes gleaming. "You also knew about Emmeryn's speech, didn't you?"
"I… yeah, actually." I nod, "That fight went almost exactly the same as it did in the story I knew. Including Emmeryn giving a speech that ended the war in our favor. The only thing that really changed was how your plan failed."
"Oh?" Robin raises an eyebrow.
"In the story I knew Plegia summoned a group of archers into the courtyard. Instead… they brought those Deadlords."
"I see…" Robin nods. "And so your original plan was for Henry to run wild and burn them all."
"You think Henry was in on this?" Chrom looks over at Robin in surprise.
"Of course. It's the most logical explanation for how he and Ben came to join forces." Robin nods.
"Couldn't have picked a better Grimleal for the job." Tharja notes. "Henry always had a reputation for being… eccentric. Even by their standards."
"Which I knew about in advance, since he appears in my story." I explain. After a moment of thought I look to Chrom pleadingly, "Please, don't blame him for what happened. The plan was all my idea, so what happened is on me. He's a messed up kid, but I really do think he's trying his best to be one of you. I think he joined the Shepherds because he wanted to make friends."
Chrom blinks at that, then looks over to Tharja. She appears surprised at the unspoken question in his eyes, supplying hesitantly, "He… has been much better behaved than he was in Plegia. Relatively speaking."
"I think…" Chrom says, looking very tired by now, "I think that Henry is a matter I'll have to set aside for now. Let's focus on the matter at hand, please. Robin, are these questions of yours leading to anything?"
"I think I'm beginning to understand what drove Ben to do this, yes." Robin nods, looking around to the others. "Ben has lied to all of us, and allowed these terrible things to happen, because of his fear that changing things would lead us to lose the war against Plegia. If he had done as he wished, and acted to save Emmeryn, she would not have given the plea that touched the hearts of those in Plegia and caused their army to collapse."
Chrom nods thoughtfully, then freezes. "No…"
"Chrom?" Robin pauses, looking to Chrom in confusion.
Chrom looks at me. "It's more than that, isn't it? This isn't just about the war with Plegia, this is about… everything!"
"Everything?" I stare, trying to determine whether Chrom has figured things out as well as I think he might have.
"You know about more than just Plegia. You know about what's coming next, don't you?" Chrom says, understanding dawning on his face. "Beyond what you and I have been told."
"I… what I know is…" I begin to reply, feeling my stomach churn as I fight to get the words out. This is it. This is the part I truly feared. After this, we'll be taken off that track in my mind; the one which leads to that certain victory I've been haunted by. Once they know what I know, once they've learned of the trials to come, there won't be any going back.
If I tell them what I know then I will be pushing this world off the path away from apocalypse. I will be leaving the realm of certainty, and heading into an unknown future which could very well lead to the death of every human being in this world. A future only barely avoided in the story.
"What… what I know…" I stammer. My hands clutch at my arms, I feel my body begin to curl in on itself. The room grows dark around me, even as I note in perfect clarity every action taken by every person in the room. "I… I…"
"Chuckles? Chuckles, you need to snap out of it, buddy!" Gaius says, rising to his feet.
"What's going on?" Robin looks back and forth between Chrom and I in growing alarm.
"I… I don't know." Chrom replies, taken aback.
"He's beginning to panic." Maribelle says, leaving the couch and moving forward. "Ben, you're beginning to hyperventilate. You need to calm your breathing."
"I- I can't!" I gasp out, not sure what exactly I'm referring to anymore.
"Then let me help you." Maribelle says, keeping her voice level. "Look at me Ben. Come now, it isn't polite to keep a lady waiting. Eyes up. Yes, that will do. Stop that gasping now, it's unbecoming. I want you to watch me and breathe as I do. Breathe in now."
I attempt to emulate her, taking a gasping breath in as she does.
"Come now, don't try to take it all in at once." She scolds lightly. "Once more, slower this time. Inhale."
Despite my best efforts the next breath I take is as shaky as the first. And the one after that. And the one after that. I keep trying and failing to manage my air, and every time my chest hitches it makes me feel even more frustrated. Even more trapped. Even more like a useless failure who's fucked everything up so badly that now I can't even breathe right!
And so I sit there gasping for air and not finding any despite trying my best to think of different breathing techniques and failing to get them to stick in my mind as I fight back this overwhelming sense of panic that makes me want to curl up and scream or run from the room or slam my head into the fucking wall until the pain can burn away the storm of thoughts that is overwhelming me because my mind is so full of thoughts of Grima and Cordelia and Severa and Diana and Lumír and Emmeryn and the lives I've failed to save and the things I've failed to prevent and the people I've killed and the danger I could cause by telling the truth-
A hand presses gently against my back, and the sensation of unexpected physical contact proves enough to draw my attention away from my own chaotic thoughts. This is followed by a voice, so soft I can hardly hear it, one which blows away the hurricane in my mind. "I'm with you."
And suddenly the next breath I take comes slower. Still shaky, still a bit too sharp, but… slower.
"Very good! Keep trying now Ben, just like that." Maribelle encourages.
Another shuddering breath. The hand rubs my back slowly as I try to fight my heaving chest.
"Yes, and now exhale…"
I find myself finally remembering one of the breathing tricks I learned about years ago. A feather. I'm supposed to visualize a feather. And… hold it up with my breath. Let it float in the air. Don't… don't let it fall to the ground. And don't blow it away.
"Yes, much better!" Maribelle exclaims, visibly relieved. "You're doing well, keep going!"
It takes another minute, but remembering the feather trick helps me immensely. Eventually, I'm able to straighten up, and look to the others. "I… think I'm alright now. Sorry for worrying you all." I look towards Cordelia, thinking to thank her for her help, but she's already retreated to her position a safe distance away.
The others relax a little, Gaius in particular flopping dramatically back onto the couch. "For crying out loud Chuckles, don't scare us like that!"
"Sorry."
"A panic attack is nothing to be sorry for." Maribelle says dismissively, even as she gives Gaius a warning look. "Honestly, what sort of healer would I be if I held a grudge against anyone before me in need of assistance?"
"I mean… I think you have pretty good reason to be pissed at me right now. All of you do. So…" I trail off, not sure where I'm going with this.
And that's when Sumia claps her hands, very loudly, and hops to her feet. "Alright everyone, I think we're all due for some refreshments!"
"Uh, Sumia?" Chrom blinks in surprise. "Is this really the time?"
"Yes." Sumia says in a voice that is as sweet as it is unyielding. "Yes Chrom, this is exactly the time. I think it's rather clear now that we can't continue this conversation the way we have been. What we're discussing might not be pleasant as conversation topics go, but I see no reason we should be trying to act more miserable while we talk about this! So I am going to have Basilio's servants bring us something to eat. And you-" I blink in surprise as she points a finger at me, "Are going to wait quietly until we can continue things more comfortably."
"Hey, I know something that can help with that!" Gaius says, hopping back to his feet and running over to the nearest window. "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY BOBBY!"
We all look towards the window as an excited screech and a lot of panicked screaming can be heard from outside. Gaius leans next to the window frame, grinning cheekily, "I've been calling him like this whenever I want to feed him treats."
"You feed him treats?" Chrom blinks in surprise.
"Sure, why not? He's like a big scaly puppy." Gaius shrugs. "Scared the hell out of me when I first met him, but once I got used to him I started having fun with it."
Another moment and Bobby has his head awkwardly stuck into the window, squawking excitedly when he realizes that I'm here too. I move to start scratching him behind the horns and he eagerly shoves his face into my chest.
"There, see? He's already looking better." Gaius claps me on the shoulder and grins at the rest of the room. "Forget flipping the table, this should have been the first thing I thought of."
"Flipping the table?" Maribelle raises an eyebrow.
"Uhh, well…" Gaius falters. "Just… consider that an advanced emotional support maneuver."
"Really now." Maribelle shakes her head in exasperation.
"Well alright then!" Sumia cuts in, smiling cheerfully. "Let's see about getting those refreshments now. And perhaps seeing if Khan Basilio has a balcony we can use with enough room for our new addition."
"We're moving now?" I blink in surprise, looking back at Sumia.
"Well we can hardly have the rest of this conversation with Bobby hanging out the window, now can we?" Sumia nods, moving towards the door. Just as she's about to step out she pauses, looking back in alarm. "Oh! But I suppose we'll have to figure out what to do about Frederick if we want to change locations, won't we?"
"Do not… trouble yourself, milady." A mumbled groan comes from the armchair where Chrom and I dumped Frederick. To my surprise the injured knight is already beginning to stir, sitting up groggily.
"What!?" Tharja looks over in shock. "That hex should have kept you unconscious until tomorrow morning at the earliest! How are you already waking up?"
"Hmm?" Frederick looks over to Tharja. "Ah, is that what happened to me? A hex… well, no matter. I seem to have slept off the effects." He lets loose a truly massive yawn, and when his mouth finally closes he straightens up and looks far more awake. "There, that seems to have done it."
"Y-you can't just sleep off a sleep spell!" Tharja sputters indignantly.
"Isn't that technically what everyone does with sleep spells?" Robin notes.
"Robin, I love you, but shut up. This is a matter of personal pride." Tharja waves a hand absently in the tactician's direction. Robin's face twists into a mixture of surprise, horror, and bemusement at the confession/dismissal.
And as the Shepherds fall into absolute chaos, I'm left standing by the window rubbing at Bobby's neck, watching in confusion. "I… feel like this has all gone completely off script."
"Did you have a script to begin with?" Gaius raises an eyebrow.
"No, but still." I look around in confusion. "Isn't this supposed to be the part where everyone runs me out of town for the shit I've pulled?"
"You know Ben," Cordelia says as she walks up to me, "You've been assuming far too much that your problems will be solved if you simply suffer enough to make up for it."
"It's not like that!" I protest. "It's not about fixing things… I just... know that I deserve it."
A hard look comes into Cordelia's eyes at that. "Well unlike you, your friends seem to understand that there are perfectly reasonable responses to situations like this that don't involve getting even. That our time would be better spent moving forward rather than letting everything fall apart because of what a person might or might not deserve."
"Except for Frederick." Gaius notes drily.
"Except for Frederick." Cordelia concedes. "Though if he tries anything like that again it will take more than a quick nap for him to recover from what I do to him!"
"Yeah. Yeah that'd be another reason why I want Bobby here for the rest of the conversation." Gaius notes. "The conversation has barely started and it nearly derailed twice already. You need protection. And better emotional support than I'm qualified to give."
"I think Sumia realizes that much as well." Cordelia nods. "I think we'd all like the conversation to continue without any more attempts to hurt you. I'm… honestly surprised that you were able to continue after that."
An odd way to interpret things. Frederick's reaction was what I was expecting from the beginning. As far as I'm concerned it's everyone else who's acting surprising.
The situation was already diverting well away from my expectations before Sumia stepped in, but now that she's taking control of the meeting it's really starting to sink in just how far off course we've gotten. I expected a verbal teardown. Possibly even getting kicked from the Shepherds. What I definitely did not expect was to wind up sitting on a sunny balcony wrapped up in the protective embrace of an affectionate wyvern with iced tea and a plate of cucumber sandwiches sliced into neat little triangles.
This is almost too pleasant. I'm not sure how to handle this. They're supposed to be pissed at me right now. Why aren't they pissed at me? I set myself up for my due retribution and ended up with a tea party.
That is of course, something of an exaggeration. For all that Sumia seems to be doing to try to make things more comfortable, there is still a distinct air of unease hanging over everyone. From an outsider's perspective this might seem rather pleasant, but there are signs for those who know where to look. Lissa's uncharacteristic silence, and the way Maribelle is seated even closer to her than usual. The way Chrom's entire body seems slumped with exhaustion. The open bitterness in Frederick's eyes.
And it's there in Sumia herself. The way her smile seems a little too bright, unnaturally so, as if she can't seem to manage her usual sunny personality and is forcing that warmth out instead. The effect is rather unnerving when she directs that too-bright smile my way. "Now Ben, I do hope you understand that our efforts to make you more comfortable aren't in any way a sign of approval of your actions."
I look towards Frederick's glaring face and want to laugh at that. Yeah, good thing she clarified, I was starting to think treason is a local pastime with how friendly everyone's being. I meet his glare for long enough to eat half a sandwich, trying my best to make the act spiteful in some way since he did try to maim me not long ago, before looking back to Sumia. And grabbing another sandwich because holy shit these are delicious and I haven't really eaten in the past day due to nerves.
"Well I'm glad to see you're feeling a bit better, even if I am upset with you right now." Sumia responds, her smile dimming just slightly into something more natural. "Do you think now that you're in a better state that you might be able to tell us more about why you've done the things you have?"
I freeze at that, take a nervous gulp, and take a long sip of tea. Right, I guess I should take another crack at that and see if I can finish a sentence before falling the fuck apart, shouldn't I?
Yes. Yes, I should probably do that. But Sumia sees me lock up again and smoothly turns to her fiancé before I can make an attempt. "Alright then, let's put that aside for now. Chrom, perhaps you should take the time to speak instead."
"That might be for the best." Chrom says after a moment. "My knowledge of things is not as complete as I suspect Ben's to be, but I know enough to perhaps get things started."
And at that point I suddenly find myself feeling far calmer, oddly enough. It's not the fact that I'm not being pressured to speak now. Nor is it the atmosphere, or the company, or the way everyone in our little group has stopped staring at me. No, it's the fact that I've realized Chrom's plan to get me to speak, and it's going to work. And there is nothing I can do to stop that from happening. And as I realize this I find myself obtaining a measure of peace through surrender.
And so it is with a resigned acceptance that I sit quietly and watch as Chrom straightens in his seat and looks to the others. "Several months ago, on the night of my sister's attempted assassination, I received a warning. I was told that the day would come when the Fell Dragon Grima would rise again to destroy all life. And that this would happen within our lifetimes."
The others stare in shocked silence for a moment, before Maribelle scoffs, "I never took you for one to believe in superstitious nonsense, milord."
"It's not nonsense, Twinkles." Gaius says grimly, "It's actually going to happen."
Maribelle gives him an unamused look, "I have to say, hea;ring it from your mouth is much less surprising."
"I have evidence to support this." Chrom cuts in, getting Maribelle's attention once more. "The person who told me is Marth, the masked girl who has appeared to save us on several occasions. By her account this ruin was unleashed during her childhood, and she was narrowly able to escape it by retreating to our time. She seems to be working to prevent it."
"And you're simply taking her at her word?" Frederick shakes his head in exasperation. "Milord, I understand the value you place in trust, but I think you've taken it entirely too far this time."
"There's more to it than just trust." Chrom counters. "She also bears a blade identical to the falchion, down to the scarring on the hilt. And when I fought her in the arena she was able to perfectly match my swordplay move for move."
"Chrom and I have spoken at length on this." Sumia says, smiling brightly at the others. "And we believe that Marth, whatever her real name may be, is truly our daughter. Likely the same child I am carrying now, in fact."
What… did she just…
Lissa suddenly shoots to her feet, eyes wide. "YOU'RE PREG-MMMPH!?" Her outburst is cut off abruptly thanks to some quick thinking from Maribelle, who manages to clap a hand to Lissa's mouth before she can shriek this discovery loud enough for everyone in Auream Dominus to hear.
"Holy shit, no wonder you two are rushing the royal wedding!" I blurt out in a fit of surprised laughter.
"Congratulations, Stumbles!" Gaius grins broadly, "You too, Blue!"
Sumia lets the wave of congratulations from everyone wash over her, cutting through it with an unshakable smile and a dismissive wave of her hand. "Thank you all, but I didn't tell you this because I am looking for congratulations. I am saying this because it needs to be made clear that if what Marth and her companions say is true, we are already on a timer. The war which those children grew up in and lost, the war for the fate of humanity, is coming. It will be upon us before this child is old enough to hold a sword."
"Milady, I agree that this all sounds very dire, but you are basing this warning on the word of a complete stranger!" Frederick protests. "Marth has proven to be an ally to us, yes, but we have no way of knowing her true aim. Who knows what she and her companions could be working towards in the time we are apart."
"Well, if you don't trust them, then how about putting trust in your fellow Shepherds?" Chrom replies. "Of the group that followed Marth to the past, four of them have joined the Shepherds. Some have been with us for months now."
It takes Frederick only a moment to put the pieces together before he turns to me. "Severa. She is your daughter by more than just adoption, isn't she?"
To my surprise Cordelia answers before I can. "Yes. Her and Diana both are the daughters of Ben and… and myself, from this doomed future."
"I thought you had merely adopted Severa?" Chrom looks to me in confusion.
"So did I," I shrug helplessly. "The truth of the matter turned out to be… a lot more complicated than that."
"Well," Maribelle remarks, "This explains a great deal of what happened yesterday."
"Yes… well…" I frown, not feeling at all comfortable with the attention this is getting. "Look, everyone's future relationships aren't really important here. The point is that those two are from the future. Noire, Morgan, and Owain too. And the mage and knight that have been travelling with Marth as well. They're all time travellers and they all escaped the end of the world."
"And by Marth's admission, they are here to prevent the end of the world in this timeline." Chrom concludes.
"To clarify," Robin raises a hand to interject, "Ben, am I correct in saying that the knowledge you have is all referring to this timeline? The one that these kids have travelled to."
"Yes. I know nothing of what happened in the world they came from." I nod.
"Hm. Which means, if what Chrom is guessing is true, you have known from the moment you came here not only the events of the Plegian war, but also about this alternate timeline and the resurrection of Grima in this one. Is that right?"
"… It is." I reply with a great deal more hesitation, still feeling somewhat ill at the thought of telling everyone how far my knowledge goes.
"I see." Robin nods thoughtfully, writing something down in his book as he mutters. "Well I suppose with all of that established, there's only one question on my mind. The same question on the mind of everyone else, really. Why?" He looks up, and while his expression seems to suggest simple curiosity, there's something dark in his eyes. "Why did you keep something so important a secret from us?"
"Because… you win." I reply. "If things continue to happen according to my story… you beat Grima."
"That's it? Your reluctance is born entirely from our success?"
"I didn't want to fuck things up for you all." I nod. "I… I knew that if I tried to fix everything the way I wanted to, that I would risk dragging things off the proper course. The course where the world doesn't end. Where there's still life left over."
"So rather than take that chance you chose to let things play out regardless of the consequences." Robin shakes his head and sighs. "Ben, I won't say I don't understand the rationale behind your decision but I'm having a hard time coming to terms with how callous your actions are."
"Then you don't understand much at all, Bubbles." Gaius cuts in.
"Gaius, you're not seriously defending his actions, are you?" Maribelle stares at the thief in shock.
"Not at all." Gaius shakes his head, giving me an apologetic shrug. "Sorry Chuckles, but I think we both know your actions are pretty indefensible."
"I… don't disagree." I agree, scowling bitterly.
"Figured you wouldn't. Thing is, what the rest of you aren't really getting is where he's coming from with these decisions. It's not callousness that's driving him. In case the panic attacks and the fact that he's curled up in the fetal position with a giant lizard didn't make it clear, Chuckles cares a lot about all of this."
"Then why!?"
To everyone's surprise it's Lissa who asks the question, jumping to her feet and glaring at me. "Why did you go through with all of this if you care so much? How could you let Emmeryn die? Or-or all of Cordelia's friends? How could you let so many people die and just say nothing!? I thought you were better than that!"
"Well I'm not!" I reply bitterly. "I'm not some hero! I've only ever been an asshole who ruins everything he touches. That's how it's been my whole fucking life…"
I stop, realizing that I'm falling back into old habits. That I've been doing that the entire conversation. "Shit. Fuck. Shit fucking hell ass balls. I'm a fucking idiot. I'm doing this all wrong. God damn it, I've been making a mess of this from the start, haven't I?"
"Little bit." Gaius replies uneasily. "Though to be fair, I'm not sure there's an established 'right way' to handle something like this."
"Maybe not, but I'm sure not doing much to find one." I groan, shaking my head.
I really do have a problem with beating myself down for these mistakes, don't I? I can't seem to stop myself. From the minute I first started talking I've basically been doing everything in my power to make myself look as wretched as possible in everyone's eyes. Beating myself down and wallowing in how miserable everything about this damn situation is.
Which is basically the exact opposite of why Cordelia wanted me to do this. The point was supposed to be me stepping forward with what I knew so that I could stop any of the other tragedies I knew about from happening. I got so freaked out by the thought of telling everyone that I projected my insecurity and guilt onto them all and pushed the conversation to match.
Fucking hell, I'm going to need to apologize to Cordelia again when this is over with.
"Right. I'm going to make this brief then. And before I elaborate on anything I am going to have to insist that all of you push this conversation on past what I'm about to say for the sake of getting to the fucking point of this conversation; which I have been utterly failing to do for the past hour. Okay? Cool. Here it goes. I hate myself. I have hated myself for most of my life. I have for a very long been fighting the opinion that the world would be better off if I wasn't in it. And because of that, when I landed in a world where I had the potential to do something worthwhile, I freaked out. Rather than do what any decent person would have done and try to stop terrible things from happening, I let my horribly unhealthy sense of self-worth dictate the shots and told myself that literally anything I did would just make things worse. Got it?"
The reactions are mixed. Horror from Chrom, Sumia and Lissa. Morbid fascination from Tharja. Interest from Robin. Maribelle has the expression she always gets when she wants to knock some sense into people with her parasol. Frederick, if anything, looks even angrier than he did when he first sat down. And Gaius and Cordelia, having more or less known this about me already, can only grimace, being familiar with the knowledge but no more pleased about it.
It's Chrom that ventures to speak first. "…Ben, I want you to know that amongst everyone in the Shepherds, we all think of you as-"
"Gonna have to stop you right there Chrom." I shake my head. "I appreciate that you want to do something about what you just heard, and I'm grateful to you for it. But I need to stress this again: my fucked up brain is not the point of this meeting."
"…Alright. So what exactly is the point?" Chrom nods slowly.
"The point is that your hunch was correct." I reply, taking a deep breath. Still feeling shaky about this, but I am not allowing myself to wallow in self-pity anymore. I lay a hand on Bobby's head and take a deep breath. "I know… not everything, but a lot of what happens leading up to the events of Grima's resurrection. And how you stop it afterwards."
"And why should we believe what you say?" Frederick growls. "You've already proven yourself traitor through this conversation. What good are any warnings you could possibly give? We're better off casting you out now before you can betray us again."
"I'm not sure I'd go that far, but Frederick does have a point." Maribelle nods. "Your confession doesn't exactly paint your trustworthiness in the most positive of lights, Ben."
"Well… what do you want me to do then?" I shrug helplessly. "I can't exactly undo what I've done or said… or not said. And… you all need to hear this if I'm going to make this right. I don't exactly have a ton of options right now."
"I…" Lissa speaks again, looking very lost. "I want to trust you. But how can I? You let my sister die Ben. No matter what you were planning in that courtyard, the truth is you could have saved her if you just… told Robin what you knew. How can any of us trust you after that?"
There's an obvious response to this. One which I'm not thrilled about using, but which would work well to settle the question once and for all. But I don't want to tell them about Emmeryn here. Not when I don't know where Emmeryn is or how to find her. Not openly, at least. It could be dangerous for everyone involved, especially Emmeryn herself. Saving her was the one almost decent thing I've done since arriving in this world and I do not want to risk fucking it up.
Still though, if it's the only way to get these people to trust me…
"I believe him."
Chrom. Of course it would be Chrom, wonderful, overly trusting fool of a man that he is.
The response from the others is immediate. Shock from Lissa, indignant rage from Frederick, fond exasperation from Robin and Maribelle. Tharja looks around the rest of the group and chuckles at the expressions on everyone's faces. "Is anyone really surprised by this? After the way he hired me nothing about this should shock you."
Chrom lets the ridicule and frustration of the others flow off of him like water, walking into the middle of our group and facing me. "Do you remember the night we first talked about the return of Grima, when we were visiting Severa in the infirmary? I had just discovered that the destruction of the world was coming, and that Severa had kept it a secret from me. I was angry with her then, and I told you as much. But do you remember what I said after that?"
I pause, trying my best to remember that night, and Chrom shakes his head and walks closer, until he's standing right in front of me, holding out a hand. To my surprise Bobby immediately pulls back, allowing Chrom to pull me to my feet. And once he's done so he claps his other hand to my arm, pressing against the electrical scars there.
"I told you, that I could not hold Severa's silence against her, because I saw what she was willing to endure for Ylisse. So make no mistake, I am angry with you. Angry beyond all belief. But I will put my trust in this. And," He thumps a fist lightly against my chest, right where the twisted mess of scars from Ezra's arrow lie. "In this. And in all the other times you have put yourself, body and soul, on the line for Ylisse. For its people. And for our friends. Because while your silence has led to the deaths of many, you have fought and bled to save many more. And that means more to me than words can possibly express."
Despite my best efforts I'm unable to stop the tears that run down my face at these words. "Thank you, Chrom. I swear to you I won't make you regret this."
"Milord!" Frederick calls in protest.
"Frederick." Robin shakes his head, looking torn between irritation and fondness. "It's too late. You know as well as I do that once he starts throwing that 'trust' word around there's no changing his mind."
"So glad you understand." Chrom grins at Robin.
"All too well." Robin shakes his head. "Your trust may be far easier to earn than I'd like, but I know full well that you never give it lightly."
"Well then, if that's settled?" Sumia looks around at the rest of us. "I think it would be best if we all settled down now. It seems that Ben has a very long story to tell us."
I take my seat again and let Bobby curl back around me, grabbing another sandwich and settling myself in. Chrom does the same, sans the wyvern, and looks at me expectantly, the others quickly following his gaze.
"Alright then," I muse, taking a thoughtful bite of my sandwich and going over things in my head. "Where to begin…"
The information I have to give them is both more and less helpful than any of us would like. My knowledge of the broad events to come is helpful, but much of my knowledge of the battles to be fought is insufficient, especially as we get later into story, to parts I haven't played through as often. And the fact that I have no proper times to give them is also not remotely reliable, as even the little knowledge I have of when things are supposedly happening is completely thrown off by what I've learned today. I hadn't expected Lucina to be born for nearly 2 years, but unless there's some sort of complication with Sumia's pregnancy Lucina will be born early next year instead.
And then there's the Deadlords, who by my recollection aren't supposed to turn up until after Grima's resurrection. They are by far the most worrying development in this whole story, a sure sign that the Fell Dragon may be playing things differently than I think, even if the overall events of the story have developed exactly as I expected.
Still, I give the others nearly everything I have to offer, including those potentially critical differences, and answer their questions as best as I can. And once I've gone through the beats of the next two wars as best as I can, I conclude the tale… with a few important omissions.
"There's a little bit more I know, beyond what I've told you all." I say, after describing the battle that takes place on Grima's back. "But I won't be saying it here. A lot of what remains is… personal. To some of you. So… if we could find the time, I think I need to talk to you sometime in the near future, Robin. Chrom and Lissa, you two as well."
"Could we not speak now?" Robin asks, looking up from some absolutely furious note taking.
"I think we've all been talking for long enough that we could use a break, Robin." Sumia shakes her head. "We've been out here for hours already." She gestures towards the sun, which is beginning to fall low in the sky.
"Oh." Robin blinks in surprise, before looking back at his notes and frowning. "Damn. I'll be far too busy for the next two days with preparing for our march back to Ylisse. We may have to set some time aside on the road back."
"The same will likely be true for myself as well." Chrom sighs. "Well, for now, I think we all have more than enough to think about."
"Yes, I believe it would be best for everyone if we spent some time reflecting on what we've heard today." Sumia sighs. "Perhaps we should plan to meet up again and discuss this more once we're all back home. I don't think the roads of Ferox are appropriate for a discussion like this. And once we're in Ylisse we'll be in a much better position to decide what to do about all of this."
"Yes, I wouldn't know how to begin preparations for another war like this." Robin shakes his head, getting to his feet and turning for the door. "I can tell I'll have a great deal of research to do in the months to come. I don't even know what Ylisse's army looks like right now."
Tharja follows Robin off of the balcony, muttering under her breath, and everyone else seems to take this as a sign that the discussion is over, getting to their feet and heading for the door.
Gaius grins at me as he stands up, "You know, once you got your head straightened out I think that went pretty well!"
"Maybe." I muse, watching as Chrom and Sumia escort a still glaring Frederick from the balcony. "This discussion certainly went better than I expected, but I don't think they're done giving me hell for my mistakes by a longshot."
"Probably not," Gaius shrugs, "But this isn't the sort of thing that ever really gets solved, is it? Just gotta keep going on like this until you've built some trust up again, and… hope for the best, really."
His eyes dart to one side, and I follow his gaze to see Maribelle and Lissa leaving. As they reach the door, Lissa turns back to meet my eyes. Her gaze has little if any of its usual brightness.
God damn do I hope I get a good chance to talk to her and Chrom about Emmeryn soon. It's not right seeing her an expression like that. What the fuck was I thinking, keeping such an important secret from them?
"So, are you two coming?" Gaius asks after Lissa and Maribelle have vanished down the hallway. "Gotta be about time for us to get some proper food, instead of just these sandwiches."
"If it's all the same to you, I think we'll stay a while longer before joining you." Cordelia replies, waving Gaius away.
"Ahh, gotcha." Gaius replies with a grin. "Yeah, I wouldn't want to get in your way or anything. You crazy kids don't go having too much fun." He strolls casually towards the door, ignoring Cordelia's blushing scowl. For my part, I find myself suddenly very interested in giving Bobby's neck a good scratch. This is an extra bit of awkwardness that the two of us really don't need at the moment.
"I guess I owe you another apology, don't I?" I say after a moment, still staring down at Bobby's head as I speak.
"For what?" Cordelia asks. I blink at the response, and look up to see Cordelia looking very genuinely confused.
"For… you know. Getting caught up in my stupid fucking martyr complex and nearly fucking up the entire point of what that meeting was supposed to be for." I explain.
"Hmm…" Cordelia muses on that for a moment. "I won't deny that you had me concerned for a while there. And rather angry as well, yes. But you caught yourself in the end. And ultimately you were able to help steer the conversation in the direction I was hoping it would go. So I'm feeling rather optimistic about how all of this went, really."
"You're sure?" I raise an eyebrow. "Because-"
"Ben." Cordelia looks over at me sternly. "I feel I should point out to you that apologizing for your martyr complex is drawing dangerously close to feeding it instead."
"Fuck." I groan. "You're right." I slump back against Bobby with a loud groan. "Uuuugh, I hate how normal that's become for me! I swear it didn't use to be this bad."
"It certainly isn't something I noticed the first few times we spoke." Cordelia remarks dryly. "These days it feels as if I can't get through a conversation with you without you talking about how awful you are."
"Really?" I ask with a grimace.
"It's been coming up rather often." She says with a nod. "More and more, ever since we found out about Diana."
"Yeah… I suppose that makes sense." I sigh, "That was our first big conversation after I let the Pegasus Knights die. I've been giving myself hell for that ever since."
"I suppose it was." Cordelia says quietly. Bobby pulls his head out of my lap and noses at her worriedly, and she smiles and gives his head a light pat. "Thank you Bobby." She stares down at the wyvern for a few moments, before looking up at me once more. "You know, I don't blame you for what happened. Not truly."
Of all the things she could have said to me, that may be the most shocking possibility. "You… what?"
"I am upset with you, don't get me wrong. And disappointed. Certainly more disappointed than anything else. But… as much as I wish you had said something to me, I recognize that you aren't the one who's truly responsible. You didn't set that trap. You didn't kill my comrades."
"But… I…" I stare at her, completely at a loss for words.
"You did." She nods, knowing what I'm trying to say. "And I will never forget that. But the reason that hurt me as much as it did was because I know how much better than that you are. How completely out of character this was for you."
"Do you really believe that?" I frown, not at all convinced.
"I told you before, didn't I? I think you are fully capable of being as great a person as I saw before. You just have to make the choice."
"I… don't know if I can." My gaze falls back to the floor. "I've made so many bad choices since coming to this world."
"You can." Cordelia replies without hesitation. "You already have. What else would you call what happened today? You realized that you were falling into the same errors you've made in the past, and you rejected them. When you put aside your mistakes and came clean with everyone, that was you choosing to be better. And it made me… happy, and relieved, to see. I think Chrom saw it too; why else would he choose to believe in you?"
"Because he's a big softy, that's why." I reply with a grin.
"Maybe so," Cordelia replies, looking amused, "But he's also a good judge of character. Sometimes it feels like he knows people better than they know themselves."
"That would explain why he seemed to be stealing your line about my scars earlier." I nod thoughtfully. Though his eyes didn't have nearly as strong an effect as Cordelia's seem to.
"We see alike on a great many things." Cordelia nods, "I may not have a crush on him anymore, but I still would trust him with my life. He's a good man. Which is why I wanted you to tell him all of this. I knew you could put your faith in him."
"I put my faith in you, Cordelia. Not Chrom. I would never have found the strength to tell everyone about this if you hadn't been pushing me."
"You would have." Cordelia shakes her head lightly, getting to her feet. "You already had that strength. The fact that we can talk about this is proof of it. You didn't have me pushing you when you told me the truth, did you?"
"I suppose not…" I muse, staring down at my hands.
"You're stronger than you know Ben. Stronger than your mistakes" Cordelia says warmly, placing a hand on my shoulder. "I really do believe that."
"And what if I'm not?" I ask quietly.
"Then remember why you have to be." She answers immediately. "And get stronger. Because I think we both know that we can't afford to be weak anymore. Not after what happened yesterday."
"Right. We have to work together. For them." I nod.
"For our family." Cordelia nods back.
And with that in mind things seem a great deal simpler to me.
For a while I really did toy with the idea of having Ben booted from the Shepherds for what he did. Have him struggle to earn his way back into the Shepherds from the outside, and gain everyone's trust once more. But I think this is much better suited to his growth as a character. After his big rant at Gaius about the horrible things that happen to him when he takes risks, I feel like he needs to be shown that things can just... go well for him. Relatively speaking, of course.
Besides, I honestly think having Chrom kick somebody out of the Shepherds would be pretty OoC even in circumstances like this. Chrom's determination to trust in people is one of his most defining traits as a character, and I don't think he'd abandon that for somebody who is very genuinely trying to make a change for the better. Even if that somebody fucked up on the level that Ben has.
But hey, if you disagree feel free to let me know with a review! Or if you're looking to give more in depth thoughts on the matter and want some feedback on them I recommend you come check out the Fanfiction Treehouse Discord. It's always a good place to go if you want to talk Fire Emblem stuff, even if I'm currently trying to turn it into a Pokemon server, lol.
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