Chapter Forty-Five: Say Exactly What Hurts the Most
The instant the chilly nighttime air hit her, a shiver shot down her spine. Her body ached, her chest was tight, and her face stung with the trails of tears that had been falling on and off for the past few hours. Rae-Anne looked up to the sky. There was no moon, no stars; just the clouds that hid them, illuminated only by the lights of the city below.
Snowflakes fell gently to the salt and sand covered pavement just outside the emergency room, disappearing the moment they touched it. With every breath in, a thin fog left her mouth shortly after. The roar of the city had fallen to nothing more than a quiet hum. The streets were empty, and the voices that typically filled the air were absent. Sapporo was quiet as the early hours of Rexmas fell upon it.
A light breeze blew through the exposed fur on Rae-Anne's face, reminding her of just how cold she was. She returned her hands to the pockets of her coat, another little shudder passing through her as she continued to stand, aimless, directionless, purposeless. One thought ran through her mind, eating away at her with every utterance by the voice in her head. She gritted her teeth, hands balling into fists under cover of darkness.
Rae-Anne's ears twitched, hearing a shuffling behind her and to her left. She turned to look over her shoulder, seeing the large wolf she thought she'd been following had taken a seat on a nearby bench. She blinked once out of confusion.
The fox turned the rest of her body to face Shen, taking a few steps toward him. The sound of ice and salt crunching beneath her boots garnered his attention. The moment their eyes met, Rae-Anne ceased her advance. The icy blue within the wolf's eyes acted like a freeze ray, stopping her dead and causing her blood to run cold. All she could do was stare into them, the glare she received in return undecipherable.
After a moment, Shen looked back to the concrete. No longer under the wolf's piercing gaze, Rae-Anne started back up again, this time making it all the way to the bench. She pulled a hand from her pocket, placing it upon the grey metal armrest just to the wolf's right. Pins and needles assaulted her fingertips as the cold seeped through her skin.
Though her body screamed at her to let go, she retained her grip. The pins and needles gradually gave way to numbness as she gripped it tighter, forcing herself to keep hold and swallowing hard. The pressure in her jaw dissipated after opening her mouth, having finally found her words.
"Rae, what are you doing?" Rae-Anne snapped her jaw shut again, jumping slightly at the sound of Shen's voice. She pulled both arms into her chest, looking up from the armrest and back into the wolf's eyes.
She stood for a moment, once again frozen in Shen's gaze. The wind continued behind her, catching the fur of her tail as it swished back and forth. "Um, do you think we could head off-property? So that I could have a cigarette while we talk?" Her voice was hushed, almost a whisper, but in the silence of the emergency room's entryway, Shen picked it up loud and clear.
He stared at her for a moment before letting out a quiet sigh. "Yeah. We can do that," he stated as he rose from the bench.
Rae-Anne followed Shen's hands as he stretched his back. His lips parted as he clenched his jaw, exposing his teeth to the light. Her gaze stopped on them; his canines were easily twice the size of her own, and likely twice as sharp. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't pull herself away until Shen stopped stretching.
The wolf glanced down toward her before he gestured to her to follow. He gave no time to respond, heading off toward the parking lot and briefly leaving Rae-Anne behind. A soft gasp escaped her lips, quickly leaving the bench's side to catch up with Shen.
The two canines passed through the hospital's front parking lot until they happened upon a pathway. Like the concrete in front of the emergency room's doors, it was covered in salt and sand, but its distance from the hospital building itself still allowed for snow accumulation. They crested a small hill, the road running in front of the hospital coming into view.
Rae-Anne remained a few steps behind Shen, keeping her gaze to the ground as they walked. The silence grew louder in her ears the further she got from the hospital, broken only by the sound of fresh snow beneath her and Shen's feet. Her mind began to wander while the world around her blurred.
This is your fault.
Rae-Anne lifted her head, breathing deeper to try and steady herself. Instead, she was again met with Shen's piercing blue gaze glancing over his shoulder. Surprised to see him looking at her, Rae-Anne tore her eyes away. Shame welled within her as she clasped her hands together.
"You still smoke?"
The shame Rae-Anne felt was quickly joined by embarrassment following the wolf's question. "Yup. Have been since I had Nat." She lifted a hand to her neck, looking toward the snow-covered hillside to her left. "The only times I could quit were when I was pregnant. Other than that…been smoking for nearly thirty-five years." Gathering a small bit of courage, she looked back to Shen. "I thought you would've remembered."
Before Shen could answer, he and Rae-Anne arrived at the edge of the property. They stopped just a few inches from the roadside, with Rae-Anne lining the tips of her boots up with the edge of the curb. She looked left, then right to see the street completely vacant in both directions.
Even against the sterile LED streetlights, falling snowflakes were still visible. They melted on contact with the asphalt, its surface glistening with the resulting water. Millions of star-like droplets coated the road, captivating Rae-Anne as they sparkled in place of the missing stars.
She heard footsteps approach to her right as she brought her gaze back up from the street. She looked from the corner toward Shen before reaching into her pocket and producing a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.
While she opened the pack and pressed one of the cigarettes to her lips, Shen sighed, looking away. "I should have…I mean, you started back up again pretty quick after you had Kachi."
A quick flash followed the sound of the flint, a dim flame fluttered above the lighter, briefly connecting it with the tip of the cigarette. A trail of smoke left it as Rae-Anne inhaled. She returned the lighter along with the pack to her pocket before lifting the same hand back to her lips. After a long puff, she lowered the cigarette, glowing ashes falling to the ground.
With her exhale, a thick cloud of smoke was expelled into the air. Rae-Anne glanced up to Shen, observing the stern expression across his face. "Did you want one?"
Shen sighed, shaking his head gently. "No, thanks."
Rae-Anne nodded slowly, returning her gaze to the street as she returned the cigarette to her lips. The smoke filling her lungs didn't have the calming effect it typically did. Her jitters persisted, and her heart threatened to beat out of her chest with every puff.
Her ears shot straight up as the distinct hum of a diesel engine approached from her left. She turned her head to see a snowplow, covering the road's surface in salt. Its blue and amber lights reflected off the buildings around her, briefly giving the area some color. Rae-Anne kept her eyes on the truck until it was out of sight, her ears falling flat against her head once the engine's sound faded into the distance.
Rae-Anne continued to stare at the point where the snowplow turned onto a nearby side street. The silence had returned, leaving her with her thoughts. Looking into the darkness, images of her son flashed in her mind. His unconscious body lying in the hospital bed, arms covered in bloodied bandages, and a tired expression across the canine's face sent waves of nausea throughout her.
A strong gust of wind blew past her and Shen. Rae-Anne returned her free hand to her pocket, holding her other close to her body. It did little to stop the chills, and she began to shiver as the memory of how cold Kachi was took center stage.
This is your fault.
"Hey, Rae?" said Shen suddenly.
Rae-Anne jumped at the sound of her name, a quiet gasp escaping her lips. Her cigarette fell from her hand, landing on the snow-covered curb and fizzling out. She snapped her head upward to meet Shen's gaze, his deep blue eyes glowing bright against the darkened sky. The wolf towered over her, his overbearing presence causing her to shrink in her spot.
Shen's expression softened. "You know we can't just brush what happened off…Our son tried to take his own life and we don't know why."
Rae-Anne's chest tightened. She'd known in her gut the whole time the conversation topic would be about Kachi. She knew Shen was right, it was something that needed to be discussed, but having learned of the tragedy only hours prior, shock was still fresh within her. The wolf's words repeated in her mind, causing her to shake her head as she looked away.
The pure disbelief she felt forced a smile onto her face, almost as if she'd just been told a sick joke. The punchline had upset her so much she couldn't help but give it a few pity chuckles. If Shen wasn't confused enough already, the chuckling transitioned to proper laughter.
Shen folded his arms over his chest, bending down to get closer to Rae-Anne. "Why are you laughing?"
Though her laughter had continued, it had already softened considerably as she turned to face Shen. The smile on her face had disappeared completely and tears glistened in the light as they streamed down her face. Shen's anger evaporated almost instantly, realizing what was going on.
"Why? I know why. Because it's all my fault, Shen. Him and I had a fight tonight and I told him a whole bunch of horrible things. Now, I was upset when I said them and I didn't mean any of it, but that doesn't matter now, does it? Kachi is in the hospital because his mother told him he wasn't wanted!"
Rae-Anne's voice strained with every word, her volume increasing with every sentence. Shen could only watch her shout up to him while he processed what he'd been told. The language she used surprised him. He raised his hands to a defensive position. "Rae, stop—"
"But it's true! If I hadn't said what I did, he'd be asleep at your place and we wouldn't be on the side of the road outside the hospital." Rae-Anne's voice began to break as she continued. "I may as well have been the one putting those cuts on his arms! I'm the one who put him in that bed! I'm the one who almost took his life! And if he doesn't make it—"
She stopped shouting as soon as she felt two large hands grip her shoulders. She opened her eyes, vision blurred by the tears within them, to see Shen's own not six inches from hers. She shuddered in his grip, his domineering figure towering over her despite him kneeling in front of her.
"Rae-Anne, enough!" he growled. She shut her mouth, though gentle sobs still escaped her; Shen rarely used her full name. "Blaming yourself certainly isn't going to solve anything, and don't you dare even entertain the idea he won't make it." Shen's grip loosened, his gaze softening. "This won't be an easy conversation, but its one that needs to be had."
Rae-Anne gritted her teeth as she tried to calm herself enough to speak. Her cheeks stung, and a dull headache had formed behind her eyes. She tried to find something to say, but nearly every sentence she put together threatened to send her into a frenzy again. She shook her head frantically. "I—I can't do this. It's my fault, Shen."
Shen sighed, his ears falling flat against his head. "Rae, no…" He released Rae-Anne's shoulders, moving one of his hands to the vixen's wrist.
Glancing down to her again, he motioned with his head toward a bench just a few feet down the sidewalk. Rae-Anne obliged, following Shen to it, her wrist still in his grasp. Upon arrival, Shen let go of her, pulling his hands into his sleeves to wipe the bench's surface free of snow. He then sat down, looking back toward Rae-Anne. She stood for a moment before joining him. The cold of the bench pierced through her clothes in seconds.
Rae-Anne shuddered as she slowly met Shen's eyes again. The wolf leaned back, draping his arms over the back of the bench. "Alright, since you're so insistent, why is this all your fault?"
The fox rolled her eyes. "Oh, it's the result of all the things that I've done…not just tonight, but over the course of his entire life. Tonight was just the tipping point. Didn't he tell you what I said to him?"
Shen lifted a hand to his neck, turning his attention to the street in front of him. "He did tell me, but…that was coming from him. What exactly did you say to him?"
Rae-Anne shook her head in disappointment as she recalled the spat between herself and Kachi. "I told him that I never wanted kids and heavily implied he was an accident…"
Shen looked back toward Rae-Anne, his eyes wide. "That's…that's the truth."
Rae-Anne scoffed, giving a shrug. "It is the truth, but the outburst was in response to his asking why I was a such a terrible mother to him. Then he asked why I didn't give him to you once you got clean and I…I couldn't tell him." She crossed her arms, huddling into her jacket as another gust of wind blew past them.
Shen's eyes narrowed. "Why? Don't you think he deserves to know?" He tilted his head in confusion.
"I don't think he'd accept my answer. He'd just get upset and hate me more," she spat, throwing her arms up in frustration.
Leaning back against the bench, Shen lifted a hand to his chin in thought while Rae-Anne returned to staring at the ground between her feet. Her ears twitched at the sound of the wolf's jacket rubbing against itself. Seconds later, she found that he'd joined her in looking toward the ground. "Well, if you could tell him now, what would your answer be?"
Rae-Anne shuffled in her seat, Shen's words echoing in her mind. His tone was soft and encouraging, though it didn't make thinking of a reply to his question any easier. Her heart was beating out of her chest as she gradually strung word after word together. Tears threatened to spill onto her cheeks while she forced herself to meet the wolf's gaze.
She swallowed hard, hesitating for a moment. "Kachi, I—I'm sorry. I should have been clear with you from the very beginning. I tried to cover everything up to keep you happy but its only made you worse off in the end. I kept your father from you purely because I was selfish and didn't want you to see him. I know I'm contradicting myself when I say that; I never wanted kids…but the moment I laid eyes on you, I couldn't give you up."
A lump formed in her throat while she spoke. She felt her chest grow tighter with every sentence, fearing any response from Shen. She fought to keep from gritting her teeth and pushed further, knowing that if she couldn't say what needed to be said to Shen, there was no chance she could tell her son.
"You were right when you implied I didn't care about you. The things I did weren't for you, they were for me. I kept your father from you, I sent you away when you attacked Bradley, I lied to you for years to keep up the illusion. None of that was for your sake…it was for mine.
Her voice began to strain as anger resurfaced. No longer was it aimed outward toward Kachi, but inward. Memories flashed as her vision blurred. Her cheeks were warm, but cold all at once, and her chest tightened further as she continued to raise her voice. Shen could only watch, speechless.
"I wanted you to myself and yet…I chose my reputation over you. I chose falsehoods over transparency, and I got what I deserved in the end." Rae-Anne looked into the street, her voice breaking and with tears streaming down her face. "Now you're in the hospital, fighting for your life against wounds you made while you wondered why you weren't good enough. If I could tell you I were sorry right now, I would. I'd tell you that I fucked up and that I don't deserve a son like you!
"You don't even have to forgive me because you gave me enough chances just by putting up with me. Y'know, I was surprised you even agreed to come home. You were so angry on the phone…but still, you came home. I should have taken that as my last chance. But no, instead, I thought I could keep the con going. I almost lost you for it. I—I did lose you. I lost you Kachi, and it's all my fault!"
Rae-Anne slowly leaned forward, clenching her jaw while sobs overtook her. Claws dug into the fabric of her jacket over her heart, her grip tightening and the pressure in her chest reaching its peak. What little control over herself she had disappeared as the full weight of everything, her actions and her son's suicide attempt, all collapsed to her at once.
The fur on the back of her neck bristled with each image of Kachi that flashed in her mind. The blood-soaked bandages covering his arms, his expression of anger and betrayal in the garage, and every time they locked eyes…There was pain within them, and she chose to ignore it.
The moment she felt Shen's arms around her, she turned to face him and buried her face into his chest. She returned the embrace, clinging to the wolf as if her life depended on it. Sobs rocked her small frame, her shuddering intensifying.
Shen began rubbing the fox's back, hoping to help in liberating her pent-up emotions. He stared into the empty street, stroking her softly. "You've done him wrong, but this isn't all your fault," he whispered. "I could blame myself for not asking the right questions or showing enough concern, but there's no point in dwelling on it because, well, what happened…happened."
Rae-Anne pulled her head from Shen's chest, though she kept hold of his torso. "I…I want to make things right," she muttered. "I'm sorry, Kachi…please…"
Shen glanced down, shaking his head. "It's not me you need to apologize to."
Rae-Anne's brows folded. "You think I don't know that?" she spat, pushing herself away from Shen. "I want to apologize to him, but I pushed him away. He won't listen to me."
Shen put his hands up. "You won't know until you do, and if he doesn't accept…then he doesn't accept."
Silence hung heavy between as Rae-Anne pondered Shen's answer. Her anger dissipated the more she realized that he was right, replaced near instantly with sadness and regret. She scooted forward, gripping Shen's jacket before looking back up to meet his gaze. "Then what do I do? How can I fix this?"
Shen glanced to the street again. A gentle sigh left him, his ears flattening against his head. He draped his arm over the back of the bench before returning to Rae-Anne. "You have to let him know that you truly are sorry for what you've done and that you're willing to change. It might take a while for him to come around…months…maybe years, but that's better than not trying."
He reached out and placed a hand on Rae-Anne's shoulder, using his other hand to point an authoritative finger at her. "You let him know you're ready to turn a new leaf, and he may just forgive you. But that doesn't mean things to back to normal. I'll be the first to tell you they never will. There will always be that voice in the back of his mind telling him to second guess everything you say and do for him."
Shen's eyes glowed as he pulled both his hand and his face away from her. She remained motionless, still feeling the wolf's grip on her shoulder. Shen offered a soft smile, a light chuckle following shortly before he looked away. "How long did it take for you to start talking to me again?"
Rae-Anne lifted a hand to her chin; it was a question she wasn't expecting. "Five years…maybe more." She shook her head. "I still don't really forgive you for doing that to me, and to Kachi."
Shen nodded, glancing sideward at her, his hand still on her shoulder. "Right. So, we might be looking at something similar here. He wouldn't have gotten so upset when you snapped if he didn't care about you. If you don't at least try to make amends…then he'll never forgive you. This way…It'll happen in time."
For the first time that evening, Rae-Anne cracked a smile. It didn't last long however, it quickly disappearing as she too glanced to the street. "You're right…but still, he's unconscious and in the hospital."
Shen shrugged. "We'll just have to wait until he comes to. There will be plenty to talk about then between him and us, as well as between us from now until then…I'm sure there was a lot more on his mind at the outset that we don't know about."
"Yeah…" Rae-Anne suddenly hopped off the bench, returning her hands to her pockets. A deep sigh left her before she turned around to face Shen. "I just want to help him."
"So do I, and that's something we can do together as his parents. Today was tragic, but the night is always darkest before the dawn. We'll support him the rest of the way, won't we?" Their eyes met, Shen offering a gentle reassuring smile.
Rae-Anne nodded, returning the smile after wiping the remaining tears from her eyes. "We will."
Shen's smile widened. "Good." He got up from the bench as well, standing just a few feet from Rae-Anne. Hope had seemingly returned to her eyes, the green within them shining brighter than ever before despite them still being bloodshot.
Rae-Anne pulled her hands from her pockets and stepped forward, wrapping her arms around Shen's waist. He gasped before returning the embrace. "Shen…thank you," she whispered.
The two canines stood in their embrace, the snowfall around them picking up. Shen glanced down as he lifted his left arm and pulled his sleeve back. His watch read two-thirty. Lowering his arm, his smile disappeared. He pulled away from Rae-Anne, placing his arms behind his back. "We should probably start heading back…I don't know how long we've been out here for."
Rae-Anne's smile faltered as well, recalling the twenty-minute time limit they'd been given. "Right. We…we should go back." Though unsure she could handle seeing her son again so soon, she nodded before stepping forward toward the path back to the hospital. Shen turned around, joining her.
The walk back to the emergency room was filled with anxiety, amplified by the lack of conversation between herself and Shen. She kept her head down, her hands in her pockets, and her mouth shut. Just as it was before, her mind was racing, not with guilt, but with a multitude of different 'what-if' scenarios.
Rae-Anne's anxiety worsened as she and Shen re-entered the hospital. It was nearing three in the morning, but the time didn't prevent the waiting room from being packed. About ten conversations were happening all at once, her brain flickering between each one at breakneck speeds. She tried to drown it out, but even her own thoughts were no match for the noise.
She pulled her gaze from the floor before looking around the room. She could have easily counted at least thirty people. All of the seats were taken, leaving others with no option but to stand or to sit on the wet sand and salt covered floor.
"What's going on here? Let go of him!" shouted Shen. Rae-Anne looked back to him for a moment before following his eyes. Her gaze fell upon the door they'd left earlier and standing in front of it were the beaver nurse from earlier and Legosi, with his shirt gripped firmly in the nurse's fists.
Shen sprinted forward, extending a hand to help Legosi. Before he could pry her hands off him, the nurse relinquished her grip voluntarily, a wide-eyed look of surprise spread across her face. She lifted her hands in defense as the angry wolf approached.
"I came back after the twenty minutes to escort you out, like we agreed. You two were gone, and he was the only one there—"
"And you didn't think to wait for us to come back?" spat Shen, cutting of the nurse's frantic attempt to justify her actions.
The nurse's mood shifted one-hundred-eighty degrees from fear to anger. She turned to face Shen head on, crossing her arms over her chest and creasing her brows. "You wouldn't have been able to get back in anyway," she stated matter-of-factly.
Shen stared, left speechless momentarily by the nurse's swift response. His anger deflated shortly afterwards, his ears falling flat and his shoulders slumping as he looked off to the side in embarrassment. "I see. That was my mistake and I apologize…I just wasn't a fan of the way you were grabbing and scolding him."
The nurse nodded, brushing off Shen's criticism. "Yes, anyway, you'll be able to see him again once he's been treated and we move him to his own room."
Shen tilted his head. "Can't we at least say goodbye?"
"I'm afraid I can't let you back in," she replied, shaking her head solemnly.
Rae-Anne stepped forward, inserting herself into the conversation. "Then when can we see him?"
The nurse adjusted her glasses as she looked over toward Rae-Anne. "Tomorrow. If not then, Friday. We'll be calling the number provided to us by his insurance documents once everything is sorted."
Rae-Anne's eyes widened. "That would by my cell."
"Alright, then we'll be calling you either tomorrow or Friday."
Rae-Anne forced a smile. "Okay, thank you."
The nurse nodded once before she turned her back to the group of canines. She punched in a lengthy code into the keypad next to the door before the metal latch opened, allowing her to push the door open. Once she was out of sight, Shen, Rae-Anne, and Legosi all exchanged glances.
"She didn't have to be so rude about kicking me out…" Legosi mumbled as he looked to the floor.
"No kidding. The way she had her hands on you had me seeing red. Completely unnecessary," Shen replied, crossing his arms over his chest.
Rae-Anne stepped in between the two wolves, looking briefly into their eyes one after the other. "It was unnecessary to use such force, but it's a stressful time, not just for us but for everyone. It hurts to say this, but we don't need to be here right now…there's nothing left for us to do. Kachi's here in good hands…now we just have to wait."
Legosi's eyes widened, shocked by the nature of her speech. "I…I guess that's true. We did our part."
"So, should we head out now?" added Shen, placing a hand onto Legosi's shoulder. He and Rae-Anne looked up to Shen, offering a shallow nod yes. Without saying anything, they started toward the exit.
Snowflakes fluttered in the sky as the three canines left the building. Rae-Anne took the lead upon arrival at the parking lot. Shen and Legosi trailed her until her white Tundra came into view. It was the largest vehicle in the lot, towering above the little coupes and sedans around it.
Rae-Anne turned around, continuing toward her truck walking backwards while staring at the two wolves. "I'll call you right after they call me, I promise."
Shen nodded. "Sounds good to me."
Rae-Anne turned back around just meters away from her truck. She fished her keys from her pockets and unlocked the doors. She climbed inside, the engine roaring to life only a few seconds later. The headlights illuminated the area in front of them, the snowflakes casting shadows while they fell through the beams.
Shen and Legosi stood back as Rae-Anne pulled out of the parking space. Instead of driving off like he expected, Rae-Anne stopped in front of the two wolves and rolled down her window. She leaned upon the door, sticking her head out. "Where did you park? If it's far, I'll give you a lift."
Shen opened his mouth to reply but quickly cut himself off. He looked to the ground, lifting a hand to his neck. "We didn't drive. We…rode with him in the ambulance."
Rae-Anne shifted her truck into park, turning her gaze back through the windshield. "Oh…so how're you getting back home?"
A lengthy sigh escaped Shen's lips as he kicked idly at the snow beneath his shoes. "Ah…that's just it. We can't. The police are there, and we won't be able to go back until sometime late tomorrow night." He looked over toward Legosi, who was already staring toward him. "Guess you and I will have to find a place to stay in the meantime. Maybe there's a hotel that'll still check us in?"
Rae-Anne watched Legosi shrug, a sinking feeling developing in the pit of her stomach. She reached toward one of the switches below the driver window. Upon pressing it, the locks of all the doors released. "I can't let you do that. Just get in, you can stay with me tonight."
Shen's ears stood straight up, and his tail began to wag involuntarily behind him. Though his body expressed joy, his face expressed confusion. "You don't have to do that, Rae—"
"Shen! Our son is in the hospital. We should stay together," Rae-Anne argued. "At least until you get your apartment back."
Shen pondered Rae-Anne's words. He glanced toward Legosi for a moment before looking back to Rae-Anne. A gentle smile had appeared on the fox's face. Shen sighed again. "Alright, we'll come with you."
He reached for he rear driver door handle and pulled it. Once the door was open, he stepped back, motioning with his hand to Legosi for him to get in. Legosi picked up on the signal and got into the truck, with Shen clambering in shortly after.
Before they even had time to put their seatbelts on, Rae-Anne put the truck back into drive and accelerated toward the lot's exit. She glanced toward the two wolves in her rear-view mirror as she put on her turn signal. "We should try and get some rest once we're back at Nevers Road, so we can face tomorrow with clear heads."
Shen met Rae-Anne's eyes in the mirror, the green glow he once knew having seemingly returned. "Yeah, that'd be best."