A/N - I'll post the next update when reviews start to roll in. It's been a couple of months since I updated last, so I wanna give the core-readers a chance to catch up.
I have to let you go.
But I love you more and more than you could ever know.
Words she'd thought about herself. A message she'd been giving to herself. Letting herself go.
She could remember when they were little; the adventures they went on. The river they played by; the stars they'd count. She remembered the first time they'd met as grown ups. The conversations they'd had over those three short years they spent together. She could see Elsa's smile. Hear her laugh. Feel her lack-of-warmth. The most comforting cold. The most familiar embrace. Her best friend. Her first love. Her other half.
She took a deep breath. She knew she had a choice to make. It shouldn't have been difficult, but it was. She struggled so deeply. She thought about how easy it would be to stop it all. To make the world go away. To end her own suffering. To put life back into her control.
But it didn't bring her much peace. She knew things couldn't get better if she wasn't around for them to. She also couldn't remember a time when life was good.
Du kan velge en egen vei. You can choose your own road. Your own path. Your own way.
Sometimes life chose for you, and that was difficult for her to accept. She had no real power if the universe threw her onto a different path. She'd have to learn to adjust to it, and go with it. Did she have that strength?
She feared she couldn't care for herself. She was unstable. She didn't even know what was wrong with her. What was real, and what was only in her head. She had no concept of time. She couldn't trust her memories; she couldn't even trust those around her. What if they were also figments of her imagination?
And to have a child. A little soul that she'd be so desperate to protect. A little soul she knew she couldn't protect once they walked on their own. Once they were outside of her body; out of her arms; out of reach. Could she deal with that?
She had to fix herself first. She still didn't understand what was wrong. She over-complicated the wrong things, and simplified the important things. She was her own menace. Her own defeat. It weighed her down.
Until she realised that being her own enemy meant she was in control. She could deal with herself; she knew her own mind better than anyone else. It can't end here.
She closed her eyes tightly, and took a deep breath. Her hands grasped firmly the fabric of her skirt. She exhaled slowly. Free me.
It had to be a curse. A haunting. It was the universe testing her. Testing her purpose, perhaps? She wasn't sure why. She never felt important. Whatever her greater purpose was couldn't have been meant for her. This journey couldn't have been for her. Maybe it was all a dream.
She remembered the grief she felt that night in the cave. The emptiness. The hopelessness. Her strength to go on for her seemed like a facade. Truthfully, she had blacked out. She now couldn't remember waking up; she doesn't know how she got from the cave to her lover's arms. And the following weeks were just as blurry. The grief; the pain; it consumed her.
Oh.
She opened her eyes and sat up straight, brows furrowed as she got lost in thought. Then, her expression relaxed; eyes widening slightly. Oh.
It wasn't a test. She looked up at the stars. It felt clear now. She hadn't felt so sure of anything, but this she knew. It was me.
Her mind was able to piece things together quickly from there. Her black-outs; her adventures - it was all grief. Her overwhelming pain and emotion. Her mind trying to cope with her new reality. She didn't doubt for a second that there were mystical forces involved; surely her parents really did meet her between worlds to say goodbye. She'd have to confirm with her lover. She'd have to confirm with Elsa.
She felt sick to her stomach, and not because of the baby. It was all me. Tormenting myself.
She'd wished she'd understood more about psychology. She'd wished someone had guided her through the death of her parents. Perhaps it'd be easier for her now as an adult if her young mind hadn't been traumatised.
She felt an overwhelming urge to go home. She struggled to her feet, but once she was up, she moved quickly. She became more and more aware of the weight on her front as she made her way down the hill. She hadn't realised how far along she was. Could it be any day now?
She couldn't run, but she moved as quickly as she could. She kept at least one hand under her stomach for support as she hurried to her home. Once inside, she went to where she knew her remaining family would be. She entered the room, and they turned to look at her. They seemed to all stare at each other. She knew then that they weren't expecting to see her again. They looked relieved; they looked as if they'd been arguing.
Which they had been. Kristoff didn't believe she'd hurt herself; Elsa feared the worse. They were both ultimately wrong, but it didn't matter. She was here now. "You came home."
"I need you to tell me what's happened over this past year," she said clearly; voice shaking. She was talking to her lover. She knew her sister wouldn't know. The thought crossed her mind: if Elsa actually did die, how was she here? That was real, right?
"Again?" he didn't seem off-put by the idea of explaining it again; he just seemed surprised by her lack of memory.
"I think I figured it out," she told him, breathless. She walked over to him, and they sat on the sofa together. Elsa sat on the table directly across from them.
"You did?" he was relieved. "Really? Tell me."
She struggled to gather her thoughts. She knew that her own epiphany wasn't a magic cure, but it was a start. "I think I did die in that cave," she said softly.
The others didn't know how to respond. They waited in silence, prompting her to continue; to elaborate.
"I think… a part of me died," she said distantly, thinking harder. "Maybe a version of me. I'm not sure exactly; I just know that who I was isn't who I am." She winced at her words. It made no sense out loud. She looked at him, occasionally glancing at her sister. "I lost my other half. The only person I'd lived for. I felt like she was my reason, and… she went away. And I think a part of me went with. And maybe I didn't recover from that."
She sounded weak; anxious. Her voice was soft and shaky; her words came slowly; cautiously. Elsa could imagine the feeling; she remembered grief from when her parents died. Kristoff had lost Anna so many times, he understood.
"But I didn't just lose her; I lost everything," she continued quietly. "My blood, my home, my lover, my future… Everything was gone. I had me, but I never felt like I was enough. I think I was in shock." She corrected herself; "I think I am in shock."
Kristoff put his arm around her, giving her a gentle squeeze to remind her she wasn't alone. He gave the impression that he knew. Perhaps he's figured it out before she did, but she didn't know for sure. She couldn't know. It would be a long conversation to find out what was real and what wasn't.
Elsa looked guilty. She felt as though she'd caused this. She felt responsible, to a strong extent. She was speechless when her sister quickly told her; "don't blame yourself for this." She didn't know what to say.
"I know you did what you felt you needed to do," she told her. "You're not my enemy. It's not my place to judge your decisions. I understand… I just wish some things had been handled differently. But it's okay."
She felt her eyes start to burn; her hand pressed firmly over her heart. "Oh, Anna."
"I mean it," she said surely. She struggled to control the shake in her voice. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
Anna turned to her lover; seeing him made her more upset. "I'm so sorry for all that I've put you through-"
"Baby," he grabbed her hands and looked softly into her eyes. "I choose you, for the sunny days and the storms. All I want is for you to be okay."
She tried desperately to hold in her sobs, but failed. He pulled her into a tight, loving embrace; a few tears escaped his own eyes as he held her closer. "Jeg elsker deg, min kjærlighet."
It was going to be a long night.
I've just written this in one sitting, and I know it isn't very long. But if I don't post it now, I may not get another update out to you. I'm sorry it's been so long; life has been difficult lately.
I do want to share some things with you before we get into review replies.
I started writing this fic as a way to guide my past-self through grief. A friend of mine had her life stolen very suddenly a few years ago, and it took a nasty toll on me. This chapter captures how I felt for the first two years: empty. I don't remember much of the aftermath. I felt it again three days ago when my little buddy had to go to sleep. He was more than a pet; he was my other half and my best friend. The shock is overwhelming. Grief is nasty to deal with, and I don't think it gets enough recognition. Not a lot of people seem to discuss it. Which I understand; it's tough, and it's tough to be vulnerable. But reading something like this story would've helped me, so I write it to help my younger self, and perhaps anyone else that may find comfort in it. I hope that whatever you endure in your life, you come out the other side feeling stronger than before. Having bruises shows life, and life is beautiful, even when it's dark. I love my friend and my lil buddy, and this pain is a constant reminder of my love for them.
I'm sorry if you wanted this tale to be mystical - that wasn't my intention at all. It only had some aspects because of the characters/universe. If that makes sense?
Anyways. I'm sorry again for the delays. I want to promise a quick update, but I'm not sure; hopefully only a couple of weeks this time.
Reviews:
Frozen Wolf heart 22 - I hope you are doing well. I know depression is hard to shake, and I hope you're finding ways to healthily care for yourself. For me, the sun does wonders. But if you're in a rainy country like me, I also find music to be very healing. Thank you for your support, and I hope you are okay xx
Guest - Thank you for your feedback; I hope this chapter doesn't let you down xx
elenasmcanonico - On one hand, I hope I subverted your expectations - on the other, I hope I didn't disappoint. There is still more to come, and it won't be pretty; the next chapter will be heavy, but as for the ending itself.. I'd say bittersweet. Thank you for your continued feedback; I realised you've reviewed almost every single chapter, and that's so warming. Thank you, friend.
Angelina38 - hei hei, min venn! tusen takk for such a lengthly couple of reviews; I appreciate the thought and the feedback. I decided not to post any alternate endings; only the one. I am a people pleaser, but I also don't want to lose my purpose of posting this story. I know it's a bit deep for a fic, but it means a lot to me, and Frozen had such a big impact on me and my life, so it felt safe to write in this universe. I haven't been to Sweden in a long time, but I remember it being beautiful! I'm sad to hear you're struggling; I'm stuck out of country right now... I miss home, but it's quite safe where I am, so I can't complain. Stay safe xx
I do also want to add that I am not looking for empathy. I know a lot of you are compassionate and not judgemental, and so I choose to be transparent with you. You are not alone, with whatever you're dealing with. And if you need a friend, I am here.
Stay well xx
(ps - I'm so sorry for not replying to CH43 reviews. I read every single one of them, and I value your words. I'll make a big effort to reply from here til the end. thank you to everyone that takes time to write something out to me. I really appreciate it.)