Chapter Forty-Four
After Harry was born, it was a bit harder for Lily and me to spend time together. The idea of Apparating with a baby terrified me, because what if I Splinched him? And Dudley hated to be in the car longer than a quick trip to the shops, so that put trips to Caput Magnus out. Lils was also having a hard time getting back to how she was before Harry, energy-wise. So, instead, we often called one another, and Morgana took letters at least once a day between us. And so we went on, for months, as we each tried to find our new normal with a child.
And life went on. I saw my friends as often as we could make it, but with almost all of them involved in the Order now, there wasn't nearly as much time as we had had. And every copy of the Daily Prophet brought news of more attacks, more deaths, more tragedies. I found myself slipping back into the horrible depressive state I'd been in after Gid's death, but I couldn't find my way out again. Instead, I simply… existed, mechanically making meals for Vernon, and trying to do the best I could for Dudley. The only thing that broke through the apathy regularly was fear. I started carrying my wand with me everywhere I went, and even used magic more often, though only when no one else was around. I wouldn't let something happen to Dudley because I was out of practice.
Shortly after the New Year, Lily Apparated directly into my kitchen, no Harry in sight, shaking and paler than I had ever seen her. I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner, after putting Dudley down for bed, but I dropped my sponge the second I saw her. "What is it, Lils?" My big sister instincts took over, and I led her to the kitchen table. "Tell me what's wrong."
"He's after my Harry," she whispered, so softly I could barely hear her. "You-Know-Who- He's after my baby."
My heart dropped. "Wha- What do you mean? Why?"
She closed her eyes, pushing out a few tears, and told me the story. One of Dumbledore's spies, though she didn't know which one, told him, Dumbledore, that is, that You-Know-Who had heard a prophecy about the person who would defeat him. "Someone born as the seventh month dies, born to those who have thrice defied him," she quoted. "James and I have personally fought him, and narrowly escaped him three times. The same for Alice and Frank. He's hunting our babies."
I gaped at her, not comprehending for far too long. "Why would he think a baby could defeat him?" was the only thing I could think to ask.
Lily shrugged. "Dumbledore didn't know, or didn't say. You don't think this war will last until the boys are grown, do you?"
That thought terrified me, freezing my heart at the idea of the war lasting until our boys were adults. "I- I don't know," I whispered, clutching at her hands.
She wiped her face clear of her tears, then took my hands back in hers with a squeeze. "We're going into hiding," she said firmly, confidently, exactly as she always was. "We'll stay in the cottage at Godric's Hollow, and Dumbledore's promised to help us put wards on it to keep us safe. James has already made it Unplottable, and with Dumbledore's help, we'll be safe there. Alice and Frank will be hiding as well. We'll be safe there, I know it."
Lily's determination bled through her every word, almost as if she could will it to be so. And by everything I held dear, I hoped it would be. I didn't know what I would do if I lost her, too.
…
Vernon insisted that we have a massive party for Dudley's first birthday, even though he would never remember it. And so we (he) invited everyone he worked with who had a child under the age of eight, which ended up being nearly twenty-five children, plus the adults to go along with them. Somehow, clowns were involved, though none of the children would go near any of them. I couldn't blame them, as I'd never liked clowns. But the clowns only enhanced the feeling of the whole thing being one big circus, with Vernon as the smarmy ringmaster at the center of it all.
My favourite part of the day was after all the guests (none of whom I actually knew well) were finally gone, and Vernon had left for drinks with Polkiss. Or possibly to visit his secretary. Honestly, I didn't know which it was, and I couldn't care, either way. But everyone was gone, leaving me alone with Dudley, who was being very cuddly after all the strangers during the day. I cuddled my baby, who was really growing out of the baby stage, unfortunately, and rocked him, and allowed myself to ignore the mess left by the party.
A knock at the door startled me out of a half-doze, and I was very tempted to simply ignore it. But Mum's admonitions to always be polite still held firm in my head, so I shifted Dudley in my arms and answered it.
"Happy birthday, Dudley!" came flying at us the moment I answered. Nearly everyone I loved stood on the porch, arms loaded with balloons, presents, and cake, and I cried.
"Oh, Pet, we didn't mean to make you cry!" Nic said anxiously, but Danae shushed him, shoved her armload into his, and gathered me into a hug.
Dudley enjoyed his surprise party much better than he had his planned one, if only because he actually knew the people there. And everyone wanted time with him, cuddling and playing with him, not to mention showering him with gifts. And I let him eat more cake, which he always enjoyed. And Tina and Lottie took over cleaning up the remnants of the past party for me, telling me that I should enjoy my time with my son.
"James and Lily wanted to be here," Sirius told me softly as we watched Dudley play with the stuffed bludger Nic and Danae had gotten him. He giggled every time it bumped into him. "Lils cried when she wrote to instruct me to bring their present to you. The note was still a little damp, even."
I hiccupped a laugh, which was what he probably intended. "I just want them to be safe," I whispered. "As much as I would love having them here, I want them to be safe more."
"And they will be," he promised. "I've been looking into some of my Uncle Alphard's books he left me, and there are wards in there that even Dumbledore's never heard of. They're going to be safe. And this bloody war will end. Who knows? Maybe by Dudley's second birthday, he'll be able to play with his cousin again."
"I'd like that," I replied, trying to force back tears again. I missed my sister dreadfully, but I would rather miss her and know she's safe, than lose her completely.
…
After Harry's birthday, Lily sent me a photo of him chasing Elaine the cat on his new broom. Sirius had gotten both boys toy brooms for their birthdays, so they could be ready for Hogwarts, as he had declared.
"He loves his broom," she wrote, "and he loves the snitch you crocheted. Well, he loves all the balls, of course, but he loves the snitch best. Probably because it fits in his mouth better, but James swears it means he'll be the best Seeker Hogwarts has ever seen. Like we don't have ten years before he even gets to Hogwarts. But once this war is over, once we've won, we'll be together again. And the boys will have so much fun playing together, just like we did."
Something about her optimism, even during the hardest part of her life, woke me up a bit. If Lily, who literally was hiding for her life and that of her child, could still have faith that we could win against the darkness all around us, so could I.
It took work, and I still had bad days, but somehow, slowly, I managed to bring myself back to life. I threw myself into playing with Dudley, and I worked in my garden more, and I even started brewing potions for my friends in the Order again. I took joy and happiness in the things that I loved. And I invited my friends over more, as often as they could come, which had the added bonus of causing Vernon to stay away more. And somehow, even with the bleakness of war surrounding us, we managed to create a little light.
…
About the time my pumpkins were nearing their peak, Lily Apparated directly into the kitchen again, startling me into nearly dropping the dish I was scrubbing. "Dumbledore thinks there's a traitor among us, possibly telling You-Know-Who where we are," she stated, paling so much her faint freckles stood out in stark relief. "He said our best, safest plan will be to use the Fidelius Charm."
"The what?" That wasn't something I'd ever heard of in school, and I didn't socialize with a wide variety of magical folk these days, so I had no idea what she was talking about.
"It's a very complex spell that allows you to hide the address of a location inside a person," she explained, taking my hands in hers, now that mine were dry. "I'm not sure all the details, but Dumbledore assures us that it's the only way we can be completely safe. He offered to be the Secret Keeper, in fact."
"Well, he can take a step aside," I declared hotly. "I'm not going-"
"No, Tuney, I won't let you," she answered, just as firmly. "The secret can't be forced from the Secret Keeper, but I won't risk you like that. I'm not risking taking you from Dudley, or Dudley being hurt to get you to tell the secret. I won't."
That stopped me in my tracks. I would never give Lily or her family up, but what if someone threatened Dudley? "Then you'll use Dumbledore?"
Lily shook her head slowly and moved to the sink. She began to rinse my dishes as she spoke slowly. "No, we'll use Sirius. You know he would never allow anyone to hurt me or James, and he adores Harry. He would literally die before letting any of us get hurt, though I hope it doesn't come down to that. He's also going to go into hiding to stay safe."
That made sense. I couldn't imagine a more loyal person that Sirius, and he hated everything to do with Dark Magic. "No, he'll keep you safe," I agreed. "So when do you do this?"
"Once I get back home," she whispered, keeping firm eye contact on the baking dish she was rinsing.
"Then this is going to be the best time I've had washing dishes," I said cheerily, even as I felt a tear slip down my cheek.
Lily tossed me a grateful smile, and for a few moments, it was almost like we were back in our teens, back at home, before the world had exploded into insanity around us.
But, even with taking our time, the dishes were soon done. Lily lingered for a bit, and we ate far more of the pumpkin pasties I had made, and we talked and hugged and rarely let go of one another. She insisted on seeing Dudley one last time, and brushed a kiss to his wispy blond curls, and cried that he was getting so big. And then she turned to me. "Tuney, I love you," she whispered through her tears. "I love you, and I'm so proud to have you as my sister. I've looked up to you my entire life, and you've never disappointed me. I love you. Stay safe, and keep Dudley safe, and we'll see each other after this is over."
I wrapped my arms around her and sobbed onto her shoulder. "I love you, Lils," I whispered. "I love you, my amazing, fiery baby sister. I love you and James and Harry, and when this is all over, the boys will be just as close as we are."
"They don't have a choice," she laughed wetly, repeating our oft-used phrase. "I love you."
And then she left, taking half of my heart with her. I gathered my sleeping baby in my arms and simply collapsed, crying for hours on his bedroom floor.
…
The rest of the month of October passed slowly, with no letters from Lily or visits from Sirius to break up the monotony of life. The rest of my friends still visited when they could, but they had their own lives to worry about, especially with the war going on.
Dudley was a bit fussier than normal all day on Halloween, just fussy and cranky and refusing to leave my arms. I didn't mind, since it gave me an excuse to hold my baby who normally refused to hold still long enough to let me kiss him, let alone cuddle him. But it did leave both of us tired earlier than normal, so I put him to bed nearly an hour before his normal bedtime. And then I put myself to bed early, as well, after allowing myself a nice bubble bath.
My dreams were odd that night, again filled with Vernon being mauled by a hippogriff named Stanley, of all things. I seemed to have these dreams at least once a week, sometimes more. If I believed in divination, I would have been a little worried, perhaps, but I didn't bother. Especially since the likelihood of Vernon ever getting near a hippogriff were laughably small. But the dreams always made me laugh, as morbid as it sounds, so I didn't mind, though they always left me a bit out of sorts when I woke.
Because of that, I was a bit behind in my usual morning routine of making breakfast for Vernon while feeding Dudley. And then came a knock at my door, with Dumbledore and Harry on the other side.
AN: And that's all, folks! I thought I might have another chapter or two before I finished, but where I was planning on splitting them up would have made for short chapters, so I put them all together. And What Might Have Been is now completed. I will now work on What Now Is, after a bit of editing. But I want to thank you all for reading, especially those who have been with me since the very beginning. I started this in 2015, so it's been almost six years. I never thought it would take this long, but I appreciate all of you for reading, and thanks so much to all of you who took the time to review. And TaylorMade, thanks again for the hippogriff idea. It was lovely!