trigger warning

Chapter Forty-Five: Leave Me the Fuck Alone, Sirius

Remus sat on the bathroom floor, idly twirling a small blade between his fingers. His cheeks were marked with dried tear-tracks, and he looked utterly exhausted. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he couldn't tell what the last time he slept was.

He wasn't cutting, he was just sitting there, looking at it, holding it. He had the power to end everything in his hand, and it fascinated him. In just a few seconds, he could end everything.

"Remus?"

It was Sirius, calling him. He didn't move, just kept twirling the blade, staring at it.

"Remus? You in here?"

Sirius pushed the door open and froze. He saw Remus sitting on the floor, leaning against the counter, holding a blade in his hands. The lights reflected off of it, casting little glinting sparkles on the wall.

He took a deep breath. "Remus, put down the blade."

Remus didn't look up. Sirius knelt down, a few feet away from Remus. "Remy, listen to me. Can you please put down the blade?"

Remus finally looked up at Sirius, his eyes hard and full of pain. His grip tightened on the blade, but he didn't move it.

"Remus, please." He held out his hand. "Can you please give me the blade?"

Remus slowly shook his head. "I'm not going to do anything with it."

Sirius inched closer. "Remy, I can't know that."

Remus bit his lip and pushed up his sleeve, holding his arm out in Sirius's direction. "I didn't do it," he said bitterly. "You just don't fucking trust me."

"Remy, you know why I can't let you keep it."

"Because you don't trust me."

"Remy, that's not true."

"Then prove it," Remus spat.

"I- I can't."

"Siri, I'm not going to do anything."

"Remy, baby, you know I have to take it."

Sirius was kneeling right next to Remus by now. He reached out and gently pulled the blade out of Remus's hand and slipped it into his pocket. Remus glared at him. "Remy, please."

Remus ignored him and stood up, walking quickly out of the bathroom. Sirius followed him. "Remus, stop," he called.

Remus didn't stop, and he didn't reply. Sirius caught up to him in the hall outside of the common room and grabbed his wrist. "Remus, please. I'm sorry."

"If you were really sorry, you would give it back."

"Remus."

"No. I don't want to hear it."

"Remus, please-"

"Leave me the fuck alone, Sirius."

"But-"

Remus yanked his arm out of Sirius's grasp and kept going. Sirius just stood there in the middle of the hallway, feeling utterly defeated, watching Remus go. Remus hated him. This was it.

Remus wanted to go to the lake, but he didn't have his coat or gloves or anything. He settled for the library instead, finding a secluded table where he could sit alone and wallow in his misery.

He hadn't meant to yell at Sirius, it just sort of came out. He was angry that Sirius had taken his blade, angry that Sirius hadn't appeared to believe him, but he still wanted Sirius.

He heard someone come up behind him, and he didn't know if he prayed that it was Sirius, or that it wasn't.

"Hey, Remus. Something up?" Lily asked.

Remus looked up at her morosely. "I fucked up and I'm pretty sure Sirius hates me."

"Stop being ridiculous and go find him."

"But-"

"Go. I promise he doesn't hate you."

Lily grabbed Remus by the upper arm and practically dragged him out of the library. She shoved him in the direction of the Gryffindor Tower. "Go!"

"Fine, fine," muttered Remus, slowly walking away from her.

He found Sirius exactly where he had left him, standing in the middle of the hall. "Hey," he said quietly.

Sirius looked up, surprised to see Remus. "Hey, Remy."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm sorry."

Remus flung himself on Sirius, hugging him tightly. Sirius hugged him back, equally tightly. "Who talked some sense into you?" he asked jokingly.

"Lily."

"That was nice of her," he laughed. "I certainly appreciate it."

"Oh, shut up."

"Make me," said Sirius tauntingly.

Remus readily complied, kissing Sirius hard. Sirius spun them around, wrapping his arms around Remus's waist. Remus grabbed the front of Sirius's hoodie and pulled him to the edge of the hallway, against the wall.

A minute later, Sirius pulled away, panting slightly. "You want to take this to the dorm? Or literally anywhere other than the hallway?"

"Yeah, sounds good," said Remus, equally out of breath.

Sirius grabbed Remus's hand and pulled him all the way to their dorm. He slammed the door, and locked it, and then immediately kissed Remus hard, pushing him against the door. Remus melted. His knees felt like jello, and he leaned against the door.

Sirius's lips were on his neck, kissing and sucking. Remus moaned, throwing his head backwards. Sirius grinned, before capturing Remus's lips in another passionate kiss.

Sirius ran a hand slowly down Remus's chest, the other one on his ass. Someone knocked on the door just as Sirius kissed Remus's neck again. Remus tried unsuccessfully to muffle his moan.

"Oh hell no!" James exclaimed from the other side of the door.

Remus blushed dark red, and Sirius just looked annoyed. "Fuck off, James," he yelled.

"Stop fucking your boyfriend in the dorm!"

Sirius angrily wrenched the door open. "What do you want?"

"Oh wow," said James sarcastically. "I would have thought you'd be naked."

"Fuck you."

"Anyways, I wanted to come into the dorm, which also happens to be my room."

"Well, we're busy."

"Go be busy somewhere else."

"Fuck you."

"No, thanks. I don't think Remus would be very happy if you did that."

Sirius flipped him off. Remus groaned. James walked into the room. "Sorry to have interrupted your make-up sex," he said, "but remember that this isn't just your room."

"What?"

"I heard you arguing a little bit ago. Didn't hear what, but Remus looked pissed. And now he looks a lot less pissed."

Remus buried his face in his hands. Sirius laughed, giving him a hug. James pretended to look scandalized. "I hate you," Sirius muttered.

James just laughed.

A/N:

fuck i feel like shit and so fucking dysphoric. i haven't showered since friday, because i can't fucking stand the idea of being naked. my hair is making me so dysphoric and i can't do anything about it. also eating not great and feeling shit about that

take care, drink some water, smile. you're doing amazing and i'm so proud of you. i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn