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Anyway, without further ado, here we go!
The ride to Cole's house was thankfully quiet. He didn't speak much and neither did Anne, who even though she was sure about what she had done, going away to think, still felt a pang of unease at how Gilbert would fare. She didn't have that much information about how he had coped, other than bits and pieces she had heard about over the past few months. But they couldn't go on like that. They needed to lay things clearly, and for them to do so she needed to clear her head and have some space. Then they would be able to talk and find some common ground in which to build a stronger relationship. If anything was clear to her, it was that she wanted to be with him. Just not like they were doing.
When they arrived, Roy greeted her with a hug and sent her to her room so she could get installed, mentioning that she should feel free to have a nap, shower or do whatever. Cole said so as well, mentioning something about wanting to finish a sketch he had started in the morning. So she went and did as instructed, and had a long shower, tried (and completely failed) to have a nap in which she only thought about Gilbert and controlled herself to write to him because then what would be the point of putting some distance in between them? Finally, she decided to go out of the room and found Roy in the kitchen, where he had been cooking.
"Hey, Nana," he said warmly. However, she knew that determined glint on his eyes. It was the one he bore when he was about to embark on one of his serious talks. "You and I are going to take a walk after lunch. Well, late lunch, considering it's almost 2:00."
"Are we?" she said, skeptic.
"Oh yes. While Cole has the best of intentions, he will always be in between the both of you. And I know he has both your best interests at hand but he really has no place in trying to fix this. This is between you and Gilbert and you both should solve it without depending on your friends' meddling."
"Ok… And you're taking this walk with me then, because…"
"I refuse to see you laying around in despair for days when I know you already have it in you to be clear about what you want and need, and you just need to put it into words. If you're here and you say it wasn't totally impulsive, you've been thinking about this in the back of your mind for days," he explained.
"Ok…?"
"Wait, I'm not done," he said gently, his tone as formal and warm as Roy was. "You're welcome to stay with us for as long as you want or need. But," he clarified as he saw Anne was about to say something," it might not be necessary for you to stay away for days or weeks if you can get it out of your system now. I'm talking about being efficient, Anne, not about just waiting for a thought to come to you while not fixing anything. You need to vent and you're good at venting with me. It's not the first time we're doing this. And I'm not going to tell you anything about how you should communicate better or any nonsense. The only thing I know is you have it in you if you want to solve this, and that like any relationship, yours with Gilbert has a learning curve. It's just steeper and longer than what you were willing to accept once you got together with him."
"Longer and steeper all right," she mumbled. "Do you need help with anything?"
"Not at all, I'm almost done, Anne," Roy said. Cole arrived to the kitchen and went to wash his hands, fingers black. They looked for the dishes and soon were eating. She ate quietly, listening to Roy and Cole talk about something or other she really didn't care about, as she ruminated and went over her discussion with Gilbert. With every time she went over it, the worse she felt.
"I feel like I've messed up," Anne finally told them. Cole and Roy looked at each other and then at her. "I… keep saying I'll do better, but it's like every single time I do worse. What is even wrong with me, to treat Gilbert like this?! No, don't even answer, just… Ugh, I can't even stand myself," she said, her voice frustrated and angry, as she shook her head and covered her face. She just wanted to disappear right now.
"And here is where we go out," Roy said. They were pretty much done with lunch, anyway, and Anne had been pushing around the food more than she had been eating. Cole nodded and stood up, clearing the table, and Anne followed Roy outside, both in silence. The bright sunshine welcomed them.
"Ok, so elaborate," Roy said. She looked at him. "Anne, again. I'm not going to give you advice. So don't go asking for it. I truly believe whatever this thing is, you have to solve it with Gilbert and with yourself instead of shopping around for fixes. So I'm just asking questions. What were you thinking about?"
They walked for some blocks with her walking in silence. Roy didn't say anything else, but she didn't really expect him to. He was fairly quiet and reserved, always had been. Direct, patient and unfazed. She began talking several times but couldn't quite find what she had had on the tip of the tongue when they were eating. They arrived at a coffee shop and Roy entered, coming out with what he knew was Anne's favorite.
"So? I can keep waiting. We have all afternoon," he said, motioning to one side. They continued walking and she still was quiet.
"I can't believe I left him like that," she finally said, as they sat on a bench overlooking the lake. Probably they had been out for an hour, she couldn't really tell. Roy looked at her and didn't say anything, waiting for her to continue. "I need space. I need time to think. And I need it to be… away from him, somehow. But… I had said I wouldn't leave, Roy, and here I go, running away, like I'm still seventeen and can't learn a fucking lesson in my life and keep hurting the person I love more… It's like… I don't even know. How can I be so cruel?" the last coming out almost like a whisper, almost talking just to herself. But Roy, as always, had a keen ear.
"How can I know? Where do you think it's coming from? Why are you saying you're being cruel?"
"Ugh, Roy! You do know! You know me, more than…"
"I'm not telling you my reading of the situation, Anne."
" Royal Gardner! " she said, exasperated.
"Don't Royal Gardner me, Anne Shirley-Cuthbert. Go ahead, vent, talk, but say what is on your mind and stop looking for answers elsewhere!" he said, looking at her with his stern eyes.
"You're insufferable!"
"You are trying to hide behind my words! And believe me, I can carry on with this forever. I do work with seven year olds. Stubborn as they come. So spoiled it doesn't make sense. Annoying little kids. Even if you get mad at me, I know you're not really mad at me but that it is just your frustration speaking. So I can keep here without losing my calm for hours if need be. So, again, where do you think your cruelty is coming from?"
"From… I don't know, Roy!" she said, annoyed and angry. "And don't treat me like a seven year old, for fucks sake!"
"You, my dear, are behaving just like one. So?"
"I am tired!"
"You are tired. Of what, exactly?"
"Of… this whole thing! Of being coddled! Of the… of everyone treating me like I'll break!"
"You've given little evidence of the contrary in the past few months, Anne. And I'm not coddling you right now, so feel free to be angry about something else. You were saying, about being cruel with Gilbert…?"
"It's like… Like I just exploded. Like I can't tell any more what's going on or why or… And I… Shit, it's… I was just so unfair with everything, Roy. The things I've been holding against him the whole week, they're also some of the things I love the most about him and why I feel so comfortable and cherished when we're together and here I was pushing them in his face like they're bad ?"
"What things?"
"Him, being nice… And him, being… well, protecting me."
"The coddling you mentioned?"
"Yes. But it's like… Like I do appreciate him being there for me. And protecting me. And caring for me. And I understand I honestly need it most days, I can tell… I can tell why he does it and why I need it. And I love him for it, for being there for me. But I can't stand the idea of being treated like a kid, you know?"
"If you say so."
"And there is this… fine line I hadn't realized existed, and it made me so uncomfortable when he crossed it, and then… I became this really horrible person, and who is supposed to care for him, Roy? Like… I want to care for him. I want him to feel cherished, to feel he can let go, to be… to be just himself, you know? But then I go and I pull off this stunt and there's…" she trailed off. They stayed in silence as she collected her thoughts. She continued, her eyes glassy, feeling as her voice cracked with the emotion she felt. "I'm just hurting him, what if I'm not good for him? What if he is better off without me, because I clearly go hurting him without even meaning? Can I be so mean?"
"Considering you left and you just told me you had said you wouldn't, I understand your point," Roy said. She looked at him, appalled. " However , that doesn't necessarily mean it's all done and the only thing you can do in life is be cruel to him. What are you going to do about it?"
"Do what about what?"
"About being cruel to him today? About being cruel to him in life?"
"How can I even get him to trust me again after this? I have about the worst record ever," Anne murmured, looking at the dark blue water. They stayed in silence. She played with the empty cup, thinking about Gilbert seeing her that morning. What could he be doing? How could she possibly make this better? "It's like every time I try to do better I just… I just go into deeper shit, Roy."
"That's you saying it, not me."
"Right. I just… I still think I need to be away."
"Ok."
"But… Maybe I could… I don't know," she said, thinking about how to make Gilbert feel better even if she wasn't there. "Would it be horrible for me to ask Fred to take him in?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, so he's not alone. I just can't take his expression of my mind. That way at least he would be… He wouldn't be all alone. And I have to apologize, but… How can I even do that if I broke his trust so badly? I said I wouldn't go… And there you have me, running away twice in a week."
"Trust can't be won in a single day, Anne. You do know that, because you're about the most distrustful person I know. It takes forever to gain your trust and you know it. So I don't think you can do one single thing that will make it better. You'll need consistency."
"I'll… just have to show him. Like… I have to be there. I can't do this again. If there's any way… I'm so fucked up, Roy."
"You are, dear."
"Thanks," she said, annoyed. "Just… give me a moment."
"Anne, as long as you need. I told you, we have the whole day."
**Anne S-C (16:23): Hi, Fred.
**Fred (16:23): Hey, Cordelia! How are things going?
**Anne S-C (16:23): I… was my usual self and fucked up with Gil. Again. I feel like shit. But I need to ask you a huge favor.
**Fred (16:24): Sorry to hear that, let me know if you need to talk. What can I do?
**Anne S-C (16:24): I… I haven't written to Gil yet. But I'm afraid of him being alone. I was… I can't say it was all that impulsive but I feel I hurt him badly, and I feel he's at home alone just… Being miserable. I feel horrible. But is there a way he can stay with you? I feel silly even asking. I have to speak with him as well, but it would make me feel better knowing he's not alone.
**Anne S-C (16:24): I'm sorry about the rambling.
**Fred (16:24): No worries about the rambling. I've been with him since the morning. I'll ask him to stay over, if he wants.
**Anne S-C (16:24): Thanks, Freddie. I'm sorry about this. I really am. Can you… not tell him I asked?
**Fred (16:25): I'm not going to give messages either way. You both need to talk and be honest about what's going on. But I'll take care of him until you do.
**Anne S-C (16:25): I know. And thank you.
"Ok. He's with Fred," she explained to Roy. "I have to apologize… And gain his trust back. Somehow. Which will take time."
"And for which you need to not break it again, Anne," Roy said. She sighed. "So, what do you have so far? Gilbert crosses the line between caring for you and infantilizing you, you being annoyed by his politeness even if it's a trait that you're attracted to as well, you being cruel to him and…"
"Well… I'm probably more hung up on the past than what I'm wanting to admit."
"The past as in…?"
"That last year of highschool. The whole year. Everything with Winifred, which I keep saying doesn't affect me, but for us to be like this, it has to."
"Haven't you talked about it?"
"Well… If you consider what I did today and last Saturday talking about it, then yes. And we talked some around May, but… Not in great detail, if I'm honest. It's like we both keep skirting around stuff and now we're dealing with the consequences, me being a little shit, Gilbert acting like I will break, and me running away. I don't even know much of what happened with him while we didn't speak. I know of a couple of her girlfriends, things Fred and Ella have told me… but I haven't even had a conversation with him about this subject."
"Well, if you consider this to be an important topic, you should probably have a conversation with him about it."
"Should I?"
"Anne, your life, not mine."
"You can be annoying," Anne replied, to which Roy laughed and shrugged. "It's just… we have so many plans…" she insisted, thinking about the house they had been looking for, about how they were actually trying for a baby… And it was something she really wanted, and she knew he really did as well. And she felt…. While ready, she had been thinking more and more how they needed to cover these subjects. Not because they wouldn't be able to manage them, but just so they stopped holding them back. Roy looked at her and she went back to what she had been telling him. "Good plans, mind you, but it's like it's Gilbert, me and this huge elephant in the room making them. So I kind of want to get the elephant out."
"Anything else?"
"I feel like… I'm afraid, Roy," she said, watching him. Her eyes were unsure, hesitant. Was that what she was feeling?
"Afraid of what?"
"Of being caught up again," Roy looked at her, clearly not understanding. She sighed.
"I feel like… Like somehow Gilbert is trying to control me," she explained, confused, uncomfortable. Roy looked at her, lifting an eyebrow. "Don't give me that look. I just… You know how he says he's happy with me reading and writing and all? What if he's doing that just to keep me there? Like… comfortable and apparently happy but just so I don't go away?"
"Anne, you're running away at every chance. He's clearly not holding you back."
"But… you know, it always starts like this."
"What starts?"
"Well, with apparently good, nice things. And then once they have you, they..."
"Ok, that's right where you stop. Anne, you can't possibly be comparing Gilbert to Lincoln," Roy said. "Where is this coming from?"
"I don't know. I hadn't even thought about it until this week, but…"
"The week in which you have exchanged about three words with Gilbert before fighting and running away?"
"Well, yes. I was trying to think," she said, frustrated. They stayed in silence again as she thought of Lincoln and Gilbert.
"You do realize if anyone you know had a first time account of how Lincoln was, it's me, right?"
"I guess…"
"And that I've known Gilbert for years now."
"Yes."
"Anne, they have nothing in common," he said. "Not about how they go about you. What is this about?"
"About Gilbert being… I don't know, trying to control me!"
"Anne, what is this really about? What are you afraid of?"
"I… I mean, I do want to write. I do know that. And we already went over why I'm not comfortable teaching, and I do stand by that. I'm not confused about what I want to do. If anything, this shit year has brought me clarity on who I want to spend my life with and what I want to do as a work with said life," She stood up and started pacing in front of Roy. She sighed. "I just… I can't reconcile it. It's frustrating. It's like I do fully believe him, or I think I do, but at the same time… Who does that? Who gets together with someone and tells them to go after their passions, no questions asked? It's freakish! It's unreal! Jerry insists it's because he loves me, but really? Can you even consider someone doing that? It's… What can you say about that?"
"Anne, what I have to say on the matter is hardly the issue at hand. It's how you feel about this subject."
"I…" she trailed off, not knowing what to say. They stayed in silence for a moment.
"It's not supposed to be easy, you know?"
"What isn't?"
"Stay at home. Pursue this passion, which I know you do have. I understand you're fighting against a lot by not working and having Gilbert provide most of the income at home. I understand why that irks you, you've always wanted to be independent and this goes against that."
"Well, yes! What if something happens? I already lost everything once, I can't possibly lose it again…"
"If you're with him, it's something you will have to work on together. Anne, is this really about staying home while Gilbert goes to work?"
"Well I'm working at home too! Writing! Or trying to! It's not like he goes and I turn on Netflix, you know?"
"Of course I do! I know you consider this a job. You told me for years you wanted to be a writer. Almost since I met you. This is the strongest step you have taken in that direction in ten years. What is the problem then?"
"The problem is not knowing if I'll manage to do it!" Anne replied without thinking, and then carried on, the words and sentences so quick she barely registered what she was saying. "I feel like I'm playing! I'm afraid of having written for months on end a book and then have it be a complete failure! I'm afraid of being a fraud, of saying I write when I just play with words and nothing of worth comes out! What if I keep doing this for six months, a year, and then realize this is not my call? What then? If the thing I had dreamt about doing turns out to be… nothing, what does it mean for me? How can I live with it? What does it say about who I am? And I can't fail if Gilbert's giving me this much trust! This many opportunities! What if I can't manage anything? What if I can't finish anything else? What then? Am I supposed to tell him I failed? What if he's disappointed by this but by then doesn't know how to tell me to go look for a real job? I can't mess this up, Roy! And it's so freaking hard!"
"And who said writing full time was going to be easy, Anne Shirley-Cuthbert? You know how hard it was for Cole at the beginning. You managed what you wanted: not having anyone telling you what to do. What's more, you managed pretty much the opposite: having someone telling you that you have the liberty to do whatever moves your passions. It's the opportunity of a lifetime, but that's not supposed to make it easier!" Roy countered, still sitting on the bench, his poise as formal as ever. Formal with a hint of seriousness and just completely at ease. So graceful. So Roy. No wonder Cole had been absorbed by him from the first minute. She sat back next to him. "This isn't really about Gilbert telling you to stay home and you believing it, isn't it?"
"No… I guess not. It's more about me feeling like an impostor," she said, resting her head on his shoulder. "I should probably explain this to him as well."
"I almost hope you were taking notes, Anne. But I know you have a good memory," Roy said. They stayed in silence again, watching the water move and the seagulls fly around.
"I do. Thanks for this, Roy."
"Anytime. Anything else?" he asked. She shook her head. She felt empty, at peace, after having expressed everything inside her. He had been right, of course. After thinking for days, consciously or not, there was more clarity inside her than she could have guessed in the morning. He nodded. "Sometimes you just need to get out what's going on in that head of yours, and you both have too much shared history with Cole and Diana. Even with Jerry. He might tell you some truths, but what he believes they are, as good intentioned as he is. And you have to start standing up for yourself, not waiting for all of them to come pick the pieces."
"I feel like I've been taking advantage of everyone, now," she confessed.
"They love you and Gilbert. You both are very easy to love. They won't hold it against you and they'll always be there to help, but you have to stand on your own two feet," Roy said. "If you feel that bad and you think it warrants some kind of apology, then go and do what you need to clear your conscience. You know what you need or don't need to do."
"Thanks for letting me stay," Gilbert said, as they finally sat in the living room. They had organized the guest room, which was suffering a slow transition to nursery with the boxes not yet open, but piled against one wall. Fred told him they had arrived during the week but Ella had been very insistent about wanting to organize and put together the furniture herself. As with all things interior design, Fred obliged, and had only carried the boxes up the stairs (the last heavy ones with Gilbert's help).
"Not a problem, Blythe. You know this is your house as well," Fred reassured him.
"Still, I appreciate it. Have you heard from Ella?"
"She texted me a while ago… She intended to stay until Friday morning, but her mother is getting on her nerves, so she's not sure she'll manage," he explained. Gilbert shook his head, never understanding how Ella could be this… nice, open woman when her parents were so closed. "I never thought it would be like this, you know?"
"Like this how?"
"Ella's family hating me for… whatever long we've been together. I thought at some point they would warm to the idea or something, especially after we got married."
"You know you're not married in their eyes, Fred. We went through this," Gilbert said. "A civil ceremony does nothing to them, and by then you had been living with her for enough time for it to be irrelevant. You'll always be the guy who corrupted their sweet little girl."
"I didn't corrupt any," Fred said, annoyed. Gilbert laughed.
"I know that, believe me. But that's how they see it, I doubt bringing a grandchild to the picture will help. They'll probably be more concerned about their upbringing and the values you'll instill to the child, you rebel, open-minded, agnostic man," Gilbert said, making Fred laugh.
"It really is a lost cause."
"It is, I'm afraid. At least you had Oma on your side?"
"Sweet Oma. Yes, we loved that old lady… Too bad she lived in Germany," Fred said, a sad tone. They stayed in silence for a while. "Do you want anything to drink?"
"Nah, I'm fine," Gilbert said. Fred looked at him, raising an eyebrow, before walking to the bar either way and taking out one glass. Gilbert looked at him. "Ok, ok. Give me one as well." Fred took out another glass, served something and went to sit next to him, passing him one. They stayed in silence for a few minutes. "I don't know what will come of this, Freddie."
"Out of… your new discussion with Anne?"
"Yes," Gilbert said, resting his head on the back of the sofa and looking at the ceiling. "I don't know how long we can keep doing this."
"It's not healthy, I'll give you that."
"It can't be. Not this. It's… just the uncertainty…" he sighed, trailing off, as he thought. "She had mentioned… Once we came back from Montreal, she mentioned she wouldn't keep running. And yet, this is the second time she goes away. I don't know what to make of this, Freddie. I don't know how to manage it anymore. She'll keep doing this? At every little problem?"
"You can hardly call the last two weeks a little problem, Blythe. But I get what you mean, and you have all the reason to feel betrayed and hurt," Fred replied.
"I just… I want to believe her. I want to trust her. I want to spend my life with her, Fred. But I have to… somehow, find faith that she will be there. That she'll allow me to be there. That we will find a way to solve problems that doesn't involve yelling and hurting and running away, but actually… solving them."
"You both do need to do that, that's a given. If you want to have a healthy relationship. You can't keep going around issues and tiptoeing around each other… And I know she has avoided you this week, Blythe, but you're not that off the hook either with the whole way you managed Winifred," Fred said. Gilbert sighed, tired.
"I know. She said as much… Not those words, but she did say I was trying so hard to protect her that I didn't see her strength. That I didn't think she was capable of handling hard things."
"Is she right?"
"She… might be, to be honest," Gilbert whispered, closing his eyes. The thought had been hunting him the whole day. "I've always… Since I met her, since she let me into her life, I've taken it like a personal duty to be there for her. To protect her from Billy Andrews, from her nightmares, from… everything. And somewhere it seems I lost sight of how strong and resilient she is? Not because I don't believe it, because if anyone is strong, it's her. But somehow, my actions keep treating her like when she was at her most vulnerable, even if she's been in that situation only a handful of times." Fred didn't reply immediately, instead playing with his drink.
"Do you think this might have to do with that night you called me?"
"What, when she had that nightmare?"
"You were terrified, Blythe," Fred said. "I hadn't seen you like this before. Can it be that you kept… this image of her, and you're still trying to protect her from that?" Gilbert looked at him, frowning, remembering that night he had gone to the apartment to find her completely absorbed in front of the plants. It still gave him chills to think about it. "Look, I know this is not rational. Most things aren't, even less when you're not consciously doing them."
"Right," Gilbert said. "I… hadn't thought about it."
"It's just… you keep saying you see her as strong and resilient. But as you say, your actions keep saying the opposite. Unless there is something else, from when you were kids… This is the link I can see. And Blythe, you do need to stop doing that. It's not healthy either for you or for her. You're not helping her, your mental health or your relationship."
"It's hardly the only issue."
"I know, Blythe. Relationships and individuals are complex. There's never an only issue. All I'm saying is, this is one of the issues that's causing you both problems because you're not meeting eye to eye. You both have different perspectives, expectations, actions and thoughts. As long as you both don't come to terms with that and find a middle ground, this will keep coming. And this probably goes to many of the other problems you both have."
"And about running away? What… where is it coming from? How can I know if she'll keep doing that?" How could they be thinking about having a kid and buying a house if she kept running?
"Well, ideally, she would stop doing that at some point," Fred said. "In the meantime… I guess she should work on why she's doing that. It's been there since when or what?"
"All the time I've known her. She kept running out of school at the beginning, and once or twice from Cuthbert's farm until she really felt secure there. But it's not a new behaviour, which is why… It concerns me, it'll never go away."
"But you're saying she stopped running once she felt safe at the Cuthbert's?"
"What, you're saying she doesn't feel safe now at our place?" he asked back, his tone slightly bewildered.
"I'm trying to understand, Blythe. Don't get defensive," Fred said. Gilbert didn't say anything. "Look… I don't know what she's spoken about with Patel, but maybe this has to do with some trauma from her childhood, when it was easier to escape in one way or another than to deal with things. And she kept doing that until, as you say, she felt safe. I'm just throwing hypotheses here, ok? Don't go by what I'm saying. But maybe the last few weeks, with Winifred and everything that stirred up, she hasn't felt all that secure and she has needed to take some distance."
"So she'll keep going? How am I supposed to live with that?"
"You're not, you have to take care of yourself. And you both have to find ways to solve your problems before they grow this big and she feels she has to run. And she has to earn your trust back, somehow. Because what she did, in the end, was breaking a promise she had made and that of course affects you. You're human. So you both need to build that trust again and decide how committed to each other you are. If you're not in and willing to do the work, the both of you, this doesn't have much sense. You'll keep hurting each other."
"Right. Well, I guess it makes sense," Gilbert said, drinking the last of his whiskey and leaving the glass on the coffee table.
"Haven't you considered… going back to therapy? I know you're not a fan, but… It did help you before," Fred said after some minutes.
"It's been… on my mind. And it's not that I'm not a fan, I'm fully aware of how much it helps. But… I don't know. I want to feel I can handle this on my own. If it comes to that, I will go. I'm not opposed to the idea," he said.
"Right. Let me know if you need a referral or something. You know I'll always listen to you, but it's not the same."
"Of course I know. And I appreciate your patience, Fred," Gilbert said, smiling sadly to his friend.
"So, dinner?"
"Dinner. What are we making?" Gilbert said, standing up. "I'll chop the stuff."
"You bet you are, Blythe," Fred said, laughing, and like that they fell into the old routine they had as roommates for years where Fred cooked and Gilbert helped with small tasks and cleaning. Fred was preparing some tofu they had bought on the way to his house when a ringtone reached them. "Isn't that your phone?"
"I… yes, let me go get that," Gilbert said, drying his hands and going to the living room.
Call incoming: Carrots
He frowned, not really knowing what to expect, but took the call anyway.
"Hey, Anne," he said, trying to… be calm. Not knowing what kind of call this could be.
"Gil… How are you?" she asked. He could tell she was worried, the inflection of her words familiar with him. He sighed, looking around and going to sit on the armchair.
"I'm… well enough, I guess," he replied after a moment. Like shit, but what did you expect?
"Look, I know I have a lot to apologize for, and I will… I'm not proud of anything that went on today and I know I hurt you. It's… I shouldn't have done it, and I really want to apologize, but I'd rather do it in person…" she said, and he could tell how much she was struggling.
"Ok…" he said, taken aback and not really knowing what to say, scratching the back of his head. He hadn't expected her to call to… say she had to apologize. It was much more than he could have expected, and he felt a glimmer of hope. Maybe, maybe, they could solve this.
"I love you, Gilbert Blythe. And… I want to do my best to be someone you deserve."
"I love you too, Carrots," he whispered, sighing. If there was one thing he had clear was how much he loved her. And admired her. They stayed in silence for a moment and he heard her sigh on the other side of the line.
"I would like to talk with you and see how we may move forward… If you want that. I understand I've been… Well, terrible. But I want for us to make this work, if you still want me," she said, her voice quiet, fragile. Vulnerable. "I'm done going around issues. I want us to work on them. If you want."
"I… I do, Anne. I have told you time and time again. I want to be with you," he said, trying to convey how much he meant it in his voice. She didn't reply anything right then, and he took the opportunity to clarify. "But we can't keep going like this. It's not good for either of us. There has to be a solution."
"I know. I don't want to hurt you anymore."
"So… when do you want to talk? Do you want to talk now?" he asked, unsure of when she wanted to have that conversation. The phone wasn't the best place, but considering she had gone away that morning, it didn't leave many options right now. And he wasn't sure about the ride to Toronto that night.
"I'd… rather we spoke in person? It's easier, I believe… I can ask Cole to take me tomorrow, as it's too late today, so you don't have to come all the way here."
"Don't be silly. I'll go there. What time should I go?" he asked. That made much more sense.
"Around… I don't know, Gil. We could have lunch, maybe? Order some take out, go to a park?"
"Ok, so I'll pick you up at Cole's around twelve? If that works for you?"
"It does… You're at Fred's?" she asked suddenly, as if remembering something.
"I am… How do you know?"
"Just a hunch. I'm glad you're not home alone, Gil," she said.
"Right. So… Tomorrow?"
"Yes. I love you," she said. He smiled softly.
"I love you too. Bye."
**Gilbert Blythe (12:07): I'm here.
**Carrots (12:07): I'll be down in a minute.
He checked his phone until he heard a light tap on the window. Anne smiled shyly and he opened the doors. She went in quickly.
"Hi, Gil," she said, sitting on the passenger seat. He smiled at her, slightly nervous. She held his hand, squeezing it and giving him a kiss on the knuckles. Neither said anything and he started the car, driving slowly to a restaurant he had always liked and he thought Anne might enjoy it as well. "Gil…"
"I'm going to a restaurant I know so we can pick up lunch," he explained. "It's quite close, actually. Some blocks. I was thinking we could go to a nearby park and talk there? I'd… just rather we could…"
"Not have as many interruptions?" Anne provided.
"Yes, exactly," he said. She nodded. "How was your day yesterday?" he asked gently, trying to make light conversation. That he'd rather not get into any heavy topic in this precise moment didn't mean he wanted to be in silence.
"It was… I don't know. Calm, I suppose? They pretty much left me alone for much of the day, which was good… And… I took a walk with Roy in the afternoon. We talked a bit," she mentioned. It hadn't been a good day at all, but there was no way it could have been. That wasn't really the purpose of her going… She needed to do some thinking, which she had done. Or Roy had made her bring it out. Either way, now she had to apologize and trust Gilbert still had it in him to forgive her.
"Huh? What about?" he asked, between curious and confused. He had imagined her doing a long video chat with Diana and Cole. At the very least with Jerry. All long advice. But he wasn't too sure of how her relationship with Roy worked.
"Life, I guess. It was pretty much him making questions and having me talk, come to think of it," she explained. He nodded, not knowing what to make of it, and he pulled over in front of the restaurant. It didn't seem to have changed much from outside.
"I ordered in advance… I hope that's fine?" he asked.
"Of course it is, Gil. Food is a bit irrelevant," she said. And she knew he would order something both of them liked. He got out of the car and came back five minutes later with a big paper bag. He passed it over to Anne, who peeked inside as he started the car again. "It smells yummy," she said, smiling at him. He returned the smile. Soon they arrived at the park and walked over to one of the picnic tables. Anne started taking the containers out and Gilbert taking the lids off. They sat down.
"So… dig in, I guess," he said, not knowing when they should start talking about any of the sensitive topics.
"Please, Gil… I understand you want to wait to talk, but can I at least apologize? It's... I can't quite go on like this without apologizing to you," she said, knowing her cheeks were red and her voice as fragile as she felt. He looked at her, his expression unreadable, his hand going half-way to his hair and then down to the table. She sighed, taking that as a good sign as anything to proceed. "Look, I know I did wrong… Like terribly. Not only yesterday, but… last week, when Winifred called. I shouldn't have gone like that. I… had said I wouldn't do it, and I did. And I get that yesterday I needed some space to think, but I'm sure there were about a hundred different ways for me to get some instead of just going away and… I'm sure I hurt you, and I hate to think I'm causing you any pain, because… Well, I love you. I want you to feel good, and be happy, and not be with this… horrible person who keeps hurting you. So… I wanted to apologise for that… And I know I won't be able to earn your trust in a day. I know it's impossible. But… I'm hoping you'll give me the opportunity… to at least show you how much I mean this?" she finished, more and more nervous as Gilbert's expression didn't change much and he didn't interrupt her.
"What do you mean, give you the opportunity?" he wasn't even going to refute the rest of the apology. He did see her point, and he valued her at least owning how much she had hurt him. It was a start, he guessed.
"Well… Of being with you. Of showing you I won't be going anywhere. I… I've been thinking about bringing this up with Patel. It's… I have been running my whole life, either to some place different or to my mind, and I wish it was easy to stop, but apparently it's harder than just saying I willstop. I just… get so numb it seems like the only way out. I don't think about the consequences or what I'm doing. But I will work on this, Gil. I have to. For us. I'll find where the cause of this is and… somehow work on it. And stay. Until you can believe I really won't go."
"Anne-girl…" he sighed, his eyebrows furrowing, extending his hand to hold hers. He looked at them, intertwined, thinking. It all sounded nice. Not nice like it had when she had first said she wouldn't run, but… more real. Because at least she was acknowledging it was a real issue she had to work on and not something she could promise not to do and be done with it. It was bigger than that. "You truly want this?"
"Want what? To be with you?" she asked, bewildered, her eyes wide. He nodded, patient. He knew what he wanted, even if it was harder than he could have imagined at first. "Of course I do! It's… it's one thing I know, Gil. And why I want to fix all this. Why I want to work on my running away habit, because that's what it is. A habit. And it's a horrible and hurtful one. If you'll have me, I'm committed to us."
"Of course, Anne…. It's just… so frustrating, you know? Not knowing what's going on, if you're coming back, if I should call you, if I should wait, the empty space… It's frustrating. It's painful. And I honestly believed you when you told me you were done running, and then…"
"I went. Twice, to make it worse," she said, shutting her eyes forcefully. She still felt horrible.
"Yes," he sighed, tired. "It's… I really want to believe you. And that you're acknowledging it is a problem you have, and that you're willing to work on this with Patel really makes me trust you more this time. Your commitment and will. I know you always achieve what you set yourself to do, so… I want to believe this won't be different and you'll overcome it. But it really can't go on, Anne. Not for you. Not for me. If we're doing this, we're staying together to solve our shit and telling us our truths. No more stunts."
"No more stunts, Gil," she agreed. "I… might be a bit broken. But I can't keep saying that. I have to fix myself, and I have to start with the things that are currently affecting us. I can unpack the rest later. But I want to be with you and I want my habits to align with that."
"Sounds fair, Anne-girl," he said. They stayed in silence for a moment, her eyes on his. "Look, it… might take a while, as you said, before I believe you're not running. But I am committed to this as well and as long as you're working on this and we're working on all the other issues and communicating better… I'll get there."
"I know. I have to be persistent on this. I understand, and I wouldn't expect otherwise," she said, looking down. "It… I don't know where this comes from. But I'm just guessing it might be a bit hard, because it's really ingrained in me and…" she didn't know very well how to put it into words. She bit her lip, thinking. "I think it's a bit unfair on my part to ask this, but I'm sure there might be hard days, I just…"
"I'm not going anywhere, Anne. I'll be here to listen or to hold you. You're the one who'll manage a running-away withdrawal, for lack of better words," he said. She chuckled. "You can talk with me about this whenever you need it, but… talk, ok? Don't run. Don't shut down. Tell me you want to run, but don't do it, and we can work on that."
"I will, Gil. Thank you," she said. He smiled warmly, sadly. "I'm really sorry about all this."
"Most of the issues we have are really coming from both of us. You're hardly the only guilty one," he said, sighing. He also had his fair share of things to acknowledge. But so far, it seemed like the two of them had come with the will to be open and talk and solve things instead of fighting and accusing. Both their attitudes were so different from the previous day, from the previous week… That he was confident they were going to manage something today. It wasn't like the past Saturday, a one-sided excuse and explanation. It wasn't like the previous day, a hurtful discussion. Today, they both seemed to have the will to work on issues and solve problems. It was much different. He smiled softly. "But still. Thank you for holding yourself accountable for running away. It means a lot. So, should we eat? And keep talking after?"
"Yes. I just wanted to… apologize first."
"Fair enough," Gilbert acknowledged. They started eating and neither talked much for a moment, both absorbed in their thoughts. They were finishing when he looked at Anne again. "Where are we supposed to begin, Anne?"
"What do you mean?"
"I feel like we have… so much to cover, I don't even know where to start," he confessed. She nodded, looking back to her plate, lost in thought. "I'm sure you have things to discuss… As do I, but where…"
"Why don't we… say what those things are? And then decide where to start?" she proposed looking at him, a little bit unsure as well on where the best point to start was. She felt like she had a laundry list of things, and while she believed Gilbert might share some of the items, she also had the inflink that he had more things to discuss as well. "I also feel like it's so much…"
"Well… One thing I wanted to talk with you about was you running away. We already discussed it, but I would like to go back to it later, if that's alright with you," he said. If they were having kids, he wanted to have this laid down clearly. But really, it could be at the end of their talk. It made no sense to bring it up now. She nodded, and made a sign for him to continue. "I also think it's important we talk about how I try to protect you, and define some healthy boundaries. It's not working right now for either of us. You feel I infantilize you, I contradict with my actions how I think," he explained. She bit her lip, nodding.
"Makes sense… Can we also touch boundaries, then?" she said.
"What sort of boundaries? I'm all for it, but just so we're on the same page."
"Well… About you being nice. Look, I love that you're nice, Gil," she rushed to explain, because she didn't want him to think she was somehow reliving the conversation from the day before. She'd rather forget the whole thing. "I truly do. I find it a part of who you are that I admire and find attractive. But in some circumstances, I believe it would be better if we had some clear limits… And save some misunderstandings."
"Like with the Winifred situation?"
"Yes, exactly."
"Agreed, then. I really messed up, and I think this goes very in line with the other point," he said. It made sense. And it was a bit of a relief knowing she didn't completely hate him being… nice, as she put it. "Anything else on your mind?"
"Well… We haven't really talked about grade 12. Like we assumed that what we discussed back in the spring was enough, but… I don't think it is, Gil. I think we need to face how we behaved then with each other and how Winifred managed to get in between us," she explained. He nodded. He hadn't given that much thought to that, but it made sense. They couldn't just ignore the past like it never happened. "I'd… also like to know about how it was for you once we graduated. If you'd like to share, of course. I… just realized I only know bits that I've heard, but I think it's important that I know from you what happened. You already know most of what I did… But I'd be happy to answer any questions you still have."
"Ok, we can talk about that if you want," he conceded, his voice quiet.
"I'd… like to talk to you about me staying home writing," she said, nervous, after a moment in which they both seemed to be lost in thought. He looked at her, frowning slightly as he remembered her accusations from the previous day. "It's… It has nothing to do with what I said yesterday. I wish I could take all of that back. But I still need to talk to you about it."
"That's fine," he said softly. "Well… I'd like for us to talk about our future. I think it's relevant, especially if we're putting in so much effort, that we both are on the same page on where we stand and where we want to know. I know we both have said we want to be with each other, but I want us to be more clear with the commitment we're making and how we are going to make sure it works. And what things we can do to prevent us from coming down to this kind of situation again."
"Sounds fair. It does make sense. We can't… I don't know many things now, Gil. But I do know a couple," she said. He looked at her, inviting her to continue. "I love you and want to be with you. We can't keep going like this, but I'm willing to do the work and I feel you are too. And I want to write, somehow."
"Well, we agree with the basics then, Anne-girl," he said, smiling tentatively to her. "I also want to make this work. I hope we're able to work this out."
"We could always find some help, if we need it?" she proposed. "Not our friends… Roy was telling me it's not their place, and I agree with him. But if we can't handle this on our own, there's always that option? I refuse to accept that we can't solve this."
"If it comes to that, we'll look into it. Agreed. Let's try by ourselves first and not get ahead of ourselves, what do you think?" he proposed. She nodded. "I, for one, have faith in us," he added and she smiled at him. "So… grade 12? It feels like a lifetime ago."