A/N: This is the second last chapter. Thank you all so much for reading this. You have no idea how much I appreciate all of your reviews. I hope you enjoy this.
(in case you're interested, the songs I was mainly listening to when I wrote this chapter were 'It's Not the Same Anymore feat Vict Molina', by Zaini, and 'The Tower' by Vienna Teng. You should check them out!)

Chapter Forty-Six

I wake up slowly. Eric had never returned and I took the opportunity to shower. Nothing had changed since my last stay here in terms of his bathroom. The rest of the apartment is another story. He stole my stuff.

I don't know if he claimed them after I left or if he has slowly taken them in the last few months. Books I owned had a place on his shelf. Photos of mine were on his wall. There was even some of my clothing in one of his drawers. I had wanted to be angry but seeing it all just left me more exhausted. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I was just thankful I had something to wear that was mine. I was surprised Eric brought my favoured thing to sleep in, but grateful to have this at least. It was one of my father's old shirts. It buttoned up the front and was large enough to drape open on one shoulder. I had taken it before my choosing ceremony. I wanted the comfort from home during my initiation. I kept it ever since.

I put it on and went to bed. It was bliss. Until now.

Eric's arm is thrown over my waist, his body pressed against mine. His breathing is slow and as he doesn't move as I become more alert, it is obvious the man is asleep. I want to throw his arm off and shove him away. Doing so will likely wake him up though.

I am so tired. It is an exhaustion that sinks into my very bones. I have been under threat and constant surveillance since the moment of my Choosing ceremony, earlier even if Eric is to be believed. I have tried and tried to stay a step ahead, to stay safe and despite all of my efforts, I have never had that control that I thought I did. I cannot help but wonder if it might be easier to just give in. To accept that this is my punishment for all that I have done, to be at the whim of a man who does not understand the concept of obsession and consent. I am not a reward at the end of a trial.

Still...it might be easier to just stop arguing. Let him pretend. I do not have the energy anymore. Not when every action I have taken has blown back on me. I broke faction and still he has not stopped. If Jeanine does not get her hands on me, I do not know what fate will hold here for me.

I shift slightly to lie on my stomach. I do not know what to do. I am just so tired. Of everything.

Eric's arm tightens around me. I turn my face away. I don't want to deal with him. Not now. I feel his leg press and hook around the back of mine before he buries his face in my hair.

"Amelia…" His voice is rough with sleep.

I ignore him. I feel his breath across my ear and he shifts slightly closer.

"I know you're awake." He waits for a moment before he sighs. "I know you think you don't want this, but we both know the truth. I'm the only one who can keep you safe. The only one here who actually gives a shit about you."

"That's not true," I cannot help myself.

He kisses the exposed skin by my shoulder where my shirt has been pulled down by my movement. "I'm not talking about your family. I like your family. They're the reason you're you. I mean everyone else."

I close my eyes tightly. He's not wrong. I have been alone for so long. I have not been able to trust anyone who did not want to use me for the advantage of my position. "You killed Riley."

His grip around me tightens almost painfully. "He tried to kill you." He eases the pressure and kisses my shoulder blade. "Look at me."

"You threatened to kill him long before he attempted anything."

"I warned you. I don't let things stand in the way of what I want. He should have known."

I push myself up and whirl on him. "Known? Known what?" I snap. "That you made a deal with Jeanine? That your obsession would lead him to his death? That while he was trying to better himself in his faction, you were overreaching from yours?"

"He didn't fucking deserve you!" He snaps back. "None of them do!"

"You-" I stop myself. There is no point in arguing. "I don't deserve them," I finally say softly. "Not with what I've done."

Something shifts in Eric's expression. "You did what you had to."

I shake my head. "That's not true."

"It is," he says. "Catherine was a threat. Riley was a threat. And every single divergent we brought to Jeanine kept her gaze off of you."

My throat tightens at the memories. They were dead because of me.

Eric rolls to his back. "Come here," he beckons.

I shake my head, trying to swallow back the lump in my throat that precedes the tears that I know will come.

"Just come." He yanks me over surprisingly easily. Before I even register the change, my head is against his chest and Eric's arm holds me to him. The sound of his heartbeat is steady. It is almost an echo of the strength I know he holds. I cannot help but feel comforted, even though I know I shouldn't be. I should be trying to run.

"You did what you had to do," Eric repeats. "I don't give a shit about them and you shouldn't either. They would have done the same. They tried. I will find every single divergent in our city and hand them to Jeanine if it keeps her the fuck away from you. I'm not giving you up, Amelia." His hand strokes my hair softly.

I close my eyes and for a moment, I can almost picture us somewhere else, without our history. I had once dreamed of someone who I could trust and love like my parents love each other. I knew it would never happen. The dream is still a nice one though.

"We're fucked up," Eric's voice is low. "We both made bad choices and maybe...if there is another life after this, we'll make better ones. I wouldn't change a fucking thing though as long as I know you're safe." He pauses for a moment. "Isn't it enough for us to just enjoy what time we have left?"

I do not answer. I don't know how to. It is a surprisingly philosophical question from him. He is not wrong that we made bad choices, but I cannot imagine anything different. In what world would this have worked? I would never have survived in Dauntless and Eric seems made for it. And Jeanine still remains. It is a dream, only this time it is his.

His hand pauses in stroking my hair for a moment before he starts again. I focus on the sound of his heart and his breathing. I am surrounded by him but it lulls me back to sleep.

"It has to be enough," I hear him softly say. I fall asleep before I hear anything else.

There is a welcome pressure between my hips as I wake. Heat builds as I feel a slow trail of warm wet kisses across my chest.

"Mmm.." I can't help but arch into it as a mouth encloses on one of my nipples. Sparks fly low in my stomach.

"That's it," I hear a low voice say.

My eyes fly open. "Eric."

He moans against my skin. His hand slides up my thigh, moving it to wrap my leg around him. He thrusts up against me.

"Eric, stop," I breathe. I want more despite knowing that it needs to stop. He's pulled my shirt open.

He pulls back and looks at me. "Why?" His eyes meet mine. "Tell me why Amelia. Tell me you don't want this like every other time you tried."

"This doesn't get to happen," I say softly. "Nothing between us is settled or okay."

He sighs before pressing his body against mine. I can feel how hard he is already. Memories of every other time we have spent together tempt me to give in to him. I know how he can make me feel. It isn't enough though. Not now.

"Stop fucking thinking, Amelia. Just feel this. Feel me."

He kisses me. I turn my head, breaking it.

"I said stop." I try to push him back and move him off of me. "I am not your whore, Eric. I will not sleep with you just because you want me."

He scowls down at me. "You're not a whore, Amelia. You're mine. I'm yours. It's that simple."

"Nothing about this is simple. You made sure of that."

"For fucks sake," he pushes himself off of me and sits up. He looks down at me. "Tell me what you want. Whatever you want, Amelia. Tell me what I should do. Tell me how I should be…"

A lump grows in my throat. There's an earnestness in his face. A pleading.

"Just what the fuck will make you want me again?"

I cannot give him whatever answer he's looking for.

He stands up, grabbing the lamp that is on the nightstand next to his bed and throwing it against the wall. "Fuck!"

I sit up, pull my shirt closed and watch him. I'm not sure I've ever seen him out of control. Not like this.

The lamp is apparently not enough. He continues to break things against the wall before whirling on me.

"What do you want from me?"

"I want you to let me go," I say softly. I know he won't.

His jaw clenches. "She'll kill you."

"It doesn't matter."

That prompts him to storm back towards me. "How the fuck can you say that? Of course, it matters. I'm not letting anything happen to you."

I stare back at him. My silence just seems to make him angrier. "I refuse to let that bitch kill you!" He snarls. "I'm not giving you up!"

He grabs the back of my head and yanks me towards him. His lips meet mine. There is a loud knock on the door and he groans in frustration before he pulls back. He pulls on some pants before he storms to see who it is.

"What?"

The other person has a moment to say something before Eric slams the door shut. He turns back towards me. "I have to go. Jeanine wants us to check Amity. Go back to sleep, Amelia."

Sleep does not come. Eric gets dressed before bringing me something to eat. I pretend to fall asleep just so I do not have to deal with him before he leaves. Once he is gone though, I rise.

I shower quickly before getting dressed. Dauntless is colder than I am used to. Despite the clothing that Eric brought from my home, it is not enough. I cannot help but wonder if this was part of his plan. If he knew that I would need his clothing to stay warm. Or maybe he just assumed I would be kept in his bed. He once told me that I was Jeanine's pet. Now it felt like I was his.

His bookshelves are an image of how can imagine how he sees us. A perfect blend of our interests. I still do not understand how he expected any of this to work. The man does not know me, not truly. There is only so much information one can glean from the superficial. He knows my body, I will not deny him that, but that does not give him access to my mind. Eric guessed my deepest secret, but he does not know all of me.

Still, it would be a lie if I said that Eric's voice did not repeat in my mind. I can see his face clearly when I close my eyes. I have never seen Eric plead as he did before. I am...not used to someone outside of my own family who cares for me, but he has not gone about this the right way. The two of us have made so many mistakes. It is easy to see that now. Not just with each other but in everything we have done.

Eric has seen me at my worst. He was there to help me clean up my mess with Catherine. He has always offered to take care of the problems I have faced, though in his own way. I never suspected that I would deal with them in a similar manner. Maybe that's the problem. He and I are far too similar. The thought terrifies me and I refuse to look deeper into it. I just...I do not understand how he can look at me and not see what I see. He knows. He knows everything I have done and he has not judged me for any of it. Granted, he was the cause of a fair amount of my stress, but he also offered me a release from it. He still offers so much that I cannot take and I cannot give him what he desires.

I have always been Erudite. Despite my test results, I have always known where I belonged. I am not brave. Bravery is action despite fear. I have only acted on my fear and a desire to survive. I have never been able to risk that which matters to me. My family or myself. There has never been anything else. It is not bravery that drives me. I cannot bear to face what I have done. I do not want to be the person that I have become, someone who has helped murder so many, even if I was not present at their deaths. I know whose blood is on my hands. If I cannot bring myself to even look at my reflection, knowing the pain that I have caused, how can I live with it?

Eric comes back in a rage.

I look up from the book I am half-reading as he storms in. It's been hours. He doesn't say anything but it is as if the air darkens around him. His gaze settles on me and something in his shoulders relaxes.

"Amelia."

"Your prisoner has yet to escape," I say dryly. He does not look amused. I close the book and place it in my lap, watching as he peels off his jacket before he folds it. "What brought this mood on? Did you not get to express your murderous tendencies?"

"Jeanine sent us to search Amity for the divergent, the one from Dauntless." It is interesting to note that he does not refer to her as the other divergent. It is as if he has separated the commonality between the girl and me. "She was there."

"And they got away," I continue for him. He sends me a dark look. "You cannot blame me for that. I have been locked in your apartment."

"The only thing worth coming back here for," he says. "I'm going to shower. I'll get us something to eat when I'm done."

I nod, ignoring the open invitation he gives when he does not fully close the bathroom door and turn back to my book. I could fight with him, argue against my being kept here again...but I am tired. I do not have the energy or even desire to do so. I feel as though my very being has been shattered into pieces and all I can do is stare at the remains. I cannot solely lay the blame at Eric's feet. I have done much of this to myself.

I have been passive and complicit where I should have acted and I used this man for a distraction, knowing that I was breaking the laws of our factions. I was just desperate to feel something that wasn't fear or self-loathing. Despite my insistence that this is Eric's fault, I am aware that I let this happen. I allowed myself to be swept up by his stronger current rather than breaking for the shore and removing myself from the temptation. I could have spoken to Jeanine. I could have done something much sooner. For me and for all those who have lost their lives so far.

I should not turn to Eric for any sense of absolution. He has stolen the little agency I had left. He is dangerous, even to me. I am well aware of that, but as I watch him exit his bathroom, towel slung around his hips, I cannot help but remember our past relations, before the truth was revealed to me. Eric was able to dominate any thought I had and either turn it to him or force it out completely. The only thing I felt with him was pleasure, even if it was traced with fear. Want wars against logic as he scrubs the towel against his hair to dry it. There is a part of me that just wants to feel something else other than this exhaustion in my soul that carries the knowledge that I should not be here. I should not be protected when others like me have died. When I have led them myself to their deaths.

I know the truth. I do not think I will survive this, no matter what he wants. Perhaps it is that knowledge that spurs me. The desire to feel something once more before I run out of time. Before Jeanine finds me. The thought should scare me, send me running and searching desperately for a solution, but for once I cannot bring myself to care. I will face what I deserve.

Eric casts a look at me before he leaves with a sigh.

I pull my feet up under me on the chair. I am at a loss. I lean forward, dropping my head on my arms as I rest them on my knees. I want my mother. I want to feel her running a hand through my hair, smiling softly at me and looking as if she has all the answers in the world. I want to see her give that exasperated but fond look at my father. He always smiled at her as though she was his world. Like nothing could ever tear them apart. God, I hope they're okay. I hope they don't know the truth and that they never learn it. I could not bear their disappointment.

My chest tightens as I think of them. Despite Brighton's hopes, I do not picture myself seeing them again. Eric will keep me here until he is certain that I will not be killed by those loyal to Jeanine. There will always be someone though. She had that effect. He will keep me here until I promise that I will not try to run. It is not one that I can make, no matter how fruitless I know the endeavour. I cannot go home. I will not be able to find peace anymore. Not there.

It feels as though the despair claws up into my throat and threatens to strangle me. I close my eyes tightly, trying to hold it in. There is no point.

I hear the door open. A quick glance tells me that Eric has returned. I can see his jaw clench when he glances at me, but he does not speak. He simply carries the trays he has brought to the table. I wipe at my face quickly, trying to hide any trace of my tears.

"You should eat," he says.

"Eric." He turns to look at me as I call his name. This is a bad idea but I have been defying my faction with bad ideas since I met him. "I do not understand you."

"I never asked you to."

"I do not understand this," I motion around us. "I can't give you what you want."

He shakes his head. "I'm not having this argument again."

"I need you to understand," I say. I unfurl myself from the chair and stand. I should not be doing this, giving him any semblance of what he desires, but I just need to feel something. Something different. I need the ache in my chest to stop if only for a moment. "I can't...we're not good together." He looks as though he is going to snap. I continue before he breaks anything else. "We both know that. It was doomed before it began."

"Amelia-" his tone is hard.

"But can you just touch me?" I ask quietly. "Just make this stop."

Eric abandons the food instantly. He moves forward with purpose and his hands grab the side of my face as he leans down and kisses me. His lips move against mine and the kiss turns desperate. One of his hands goes to my back, pulling me closer against him. I wrap my arms around his neck. I just need this feeling to stop. I need him to drive these thoughts out of my head.

Eric steps forward, pushing me back. I break the kiss, moving my mouth along his jaw before scrapping my teeth against the tattoos on his neck. I feel him shudder. His fingers dig into my hair, diverting my mouth back to his. I bite at his lip. I want more. I want to feel his fingers dig bruises into my skin.

I feel the back of my knees hit the bed. Eric breaks the kiss but only to pull my shirt off of me. He sheds his just as quickly before he kisses me again. He pushes me back. I fall against the bed and in seconds he is on me, between my thighs. His skin against mine is cool and yet it fans the heat that grows with every touch.

"Eric," I say. I dig my fingers into his hair. "Make me forget."

"Everything but me," he murmurs against my lips. He trails kisses against my cheek and down my neck. His hand slides up my side, pausing only to brush his thumb against my ribs. The very spot that causes me to nearly leap out of my skin. He chuckles softly before he nips at my neck. He soothes it with his tongue.

"You're going too slow," I tell him.

He pinches my nipple and I cannot stop my yelp. I scowl at him but he lowers himself further and heat flares low in my stomach as he lavishes my breast with attention. I lean my head back, trying to lose myself in him.

My hands trail over the muscles on his shoulders. His strength was one of the things that made him dangerous but all I want now is to feel it. All of him.

"Please," I beg. I rock my hips up, searching for that friction. He groans against my skin as he moves to my other breast. The hand that isn't helping hold him up, shoves my pants down. I lift my hips, just enough to help him move them.

"Shh," he says. "I got you."

I try not to groan in frustration. His fingers leave goosebumps as he slides them up my thigh. I try to open my legs more, heels digging in his back. I reach for him, but the sudden intrusion of his fingers derails that thought. I arch up. Eric kisses his way down my stomach before reaching the apex of my thighs.

The feeling of his lips so close to where I need them causes me to grab the back of his head. He grabs my hand, lacing our fingers together as he moves forward and licks a path to my clit. I cannot help my squeak.

My head falls back, lost in the feeling of his mouth and his fingers. Despite my desire for something harder, he takes his time. This is not like the moment in his office. He moves one of my legs up on his shoulder.

"Let me hear you," he says. "I want to hear you scream."

I am half tempted to refuse out of spite. Eric's pace changes. The addition of another finger with the feeling of his tongue pressing flat throws me over the precipice. This is what I wanted.

He does not stop. I am vaguely aware of him growling something as he continues. I cannot stop myself from crying out at the feeling as another orgasm builds. His fingers dig into one of my thighs and I clutch at the hand he's still holding. This one is more powerful and it feels almost impossible to catch my breath.

"Stop, stop, stop!" I call out. I need a moment. Eric pulls back and grins at me. His mouth glistens in the light.

"Thought you wanted to forget?" He stares at me for a moment before he wipes his mouth. He moves back up, holding himself above me. There is something in his expression. It is not regret but it also isn't the same way he usually looks at me.

"Eric," I breathe. Whatever I am going to say is cut off as he kisses me again. The desperation is back and I try to use my feet to help him shed his pants. I want more.

He adjusts himself before pushing in slowly. He groans against my neck and I hook my legs around him.

"Please," I say.

His pace starts slow, fingers grip my hips as I try to rock up against him. I scratch my nails against his back, trying to get him to move.

"Harder."

Eric responds with a snap of his hips. I arch up against him. Tension slowly starts to grow and the burn aches in a familiar way. I want more. I dig a heel into his ass.

"Amelia," he says. He grabs one of my legs and moves his arm under it. He folds it closer to me, grip tight as he increases his pace. "Let me hear you." He grunts as he thrusts against me. "Don't have to be-fucking silent. Not now."

I clutch at his arm that holds him up near my head. "Eric!"

"Yes..." he hisses. "Give me everything."

The tension in me breaks and I cry out at the feeling. I am surrounded by him and yet all I can focus on is following my release. Eric leans forward, his thrusts quicken. It draws out my latest orgasm and I barely hear Eric as he calls my name while he finds his.

He collapses on me for a moment before he pushes himself back up. His eyes meet mine as we both catch our breath.

"I told you," he says softly. "No one will ever touch you as I have. No one else can give you this. You're mine. I'm yours."

I am beginning to think he's right. "Eric.."

He kisses me. It is slow this time, lacking any of the desperation from earlier. His lips move against mine almost gently before he pulls back. "Let's get cleaned up. Then we'll eat." He pulls out and away from me. I almost miss the contact before I shake the thought away. "Leave the sheet," he says as he stands, already seeming to know my plans of wrapping it around me. I drop it before following him to the bathroom. There's no point fighting anymore. Not for this.

[tbc]