Envelope 46

Author's Note: I know that last chapter probably left you reeling a little, but don't worry, I have Don's back. Full disclosure: I cried a little while I wrote this. Please review.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Don lay on a hospital bed in another paper gown feeling…numb. He was now a one-balled bastard and he wasn't sure how he felt about that, or if he even should. The truth was Chuck was never wrong, if he said it needed to come off so they could determine if it was the seminoma like he thought it was, then that's what needed to happen. If he told Don that Vera Bang was the best oncologist in DC for testicular cancer, then that had to be right. Chuck was always right. He was right when Don thought Kit's reoccurring case of strep was a sign of something bigger when it was just reoccurring strep. He was right when Don kept rushing Agnes to him over every upset tummy thinking she had to have ultrasounds to see what was wrong—she was lactose intolerant and just needed her diet adjusted. Chuck was always right, so if he said the lump was likely cancer, a slow growing one, thankfully, then it was cancer and Don needed to just get with the program.

"You're awake," the nurse said as she leaned over him and smiled. "Let's raise you another ten percent, would you like some water?"

Don nodded and she walked away.

He hoped the doctors had told them he was out of surgery because Linnea would be pacing and chewing off every nail she owned, Kit would be silently worried with his stomach tied in knots, and Agnes would be doing that mile-a-minute stream of consciousness talking she did that annoyed the crap out of everyone around her.

He hadn't wanted to tell the kids. Agnes had literally just left for school and Kit was just twelve, he really felt they didn't need to deal with this. But Linnea had objected, quite forcefully, and said she wouldn't keep this from them and if he wanted to lie that was fine, but she would tell them the truth. That sealed the deal, and he made the call to Agnes once they had a surgical date and sat Kit down in the yard and had a very positive conversation with him about how this was 'nothing' and just meant he needed some surgery and 95% of men survive. He had told Aram, Park and Valentino, but asked them to keep it quiet and had left work on a medical leave without further explanation.

"Here you go," the nurse said as she handed him a paper cup with a lid and straw. "Don't drink too fast."

Don nodded and took a quick sip of water to make his mouth feel less like a desert and placed it carefully on the table next to him.

Chuck and Vera walked into the recovery unit and made a beeline for him.

"Those other two procedures?" Chuck started with a smile, trying to diffuse the situation. "Colonoscopy and Pilonidal Cyst incision. How are you feeling?"

Don smiled at the man, he loved his doctor.

"Numb," Don said.

"Good," Chuck smiled. "You want to be numb down there for a few days while everything heals so, please make sure Linnea keeps up with your pain killers but only for a couple days."

He knew Don had a previous addiction issue with pain killers, so Linnea had been placed in charge of them and they were only given to Don for the shortest amount of time.

"Will do," Don nodded.

"And the lab is looking at everything in the next day. Your tumor markers indicate what we think is stage two, and the size of the tumor would concur with that. We biopsied the nearby lymph nodes in your groin while you were in surgery to see if there's any spread and, if there is, we'll need to bring you in for another surgery. We'll determine next steps once we've had a better look at everything."

Don nodded.

"So, there could be more surgery?" Don asked, knowing they had discussed this but wanting to make sure.

"Yes, to remove the effected lymph nodes. If it's in the lymph nodes, then I'm going to recommend an oral chemotherapy followed by some external radiation to…"

"Both?" Don asked, surprised.

"Only if it's in the lymph nodes," Vera said. "Think of the chemo as the team with the guns coming in to capture the perp and the radiation as the team that comes in afterwards to sweep the area once everyone has been arrested in case you missed something."

Don looked at her, surprised by her knowledge of police procedure.

"I'm bingeing London Kills," Vera said with a smile.

Don chuckled but then winced, laughing hurt.

"Yeah, you may want to be a little more stoic for a couple of days," Chuck said. "Laughing, shockingly, pulls at the testicles."

Don nodded and adjusted slightly.

"Okay, if that's the case, let's bring in the guns and do the sweep." Don agreed.

Both doctors smiled at him.

"Don, it's going to be fine. You are in good hands with Vera, and your family is going to make sure you are taken care of at home, while we figure out next steps this week."

Don nodded.

An hour later he was arguing with Linnea over dressing himself. He had seen the kids and they all looked relived that he was fine, but had left to go and wait in the car while he tried to argue that he could dress himself.

"Yes, and you can barely stand, but you are going to…"

"I just…" Don said deflated as he sat down on the edge of his hospital bed.

"What?" Linnea asked.

Don shook his head and closed his eyes to keep the tears from coming that were threatening.

"I don't want you, or anyone to feel obligated to take care of me," Don said, his breath coming short as he spoke and his eyes unable to open. In truth, he wanted her to stay, but he didn't want her to stay because she felt it was the right thing to do.

She didn't respond right away, and Don wasn't sure what was going on with her in that moment, but he was also too scared to look and see relief on her features. Relief that she could go back to Singapore and they could stay in touch about his treatment but not have her deal with it in any real way.

"I want to murder you, I am so angry," Linnea said, and the anger was palpable in her voice.

Don opened his watery eyes and looked at her enraged face. His brow furrowed. He didn't understand why she was so angry when he'd given her an 'out'.

"You selfish asshole," Linnea said as she met his eyes squarely. "How you could think that I wouldn't be a basket case if I wasn't here making sure you were well, and fed, and at your appointments…how dare you think that."

Don was taken aback.

"Linnea…" Don started.

"No, you listen to me," Linnea said clearly, sternly as tears threatened the corners of her eyes. "I will not allow you to make this a manly thing where you can manage on your own and are stoic and distant and send me back to Singapore as if you don't need help. I won't have it. I won't live tortured by worry halfway across the world so you can prove you are a man who needs no one."

"I didn't mean..." Don started, thinking the entire offer was for her benefit and now she was angry with him.

"I will not be sent away," she said clearly as she reached for his boxer briefs and held them in front of him. "You can hate my help, but you are getting it."

Don stood on wobbly legs and took his underpants from her hands and dropped them on the bed behind him. He pulled her into a hug, and she was careful to keep her lower body away from his so she wouldn't hurt him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to her. "I didn't…I love you, and I want you here, with me. I do."

He felt her nod against his shoulder and felt her body shake a little like it did when she cried.

"God, I'm so scared Linnea," he admitted to her what he hadn't admitted to anyone else.

She gripped him a little stronger around his shoulders and sniffled.

"But I'm less scared when I have you," he said softly as he sloppily kissed the side of her face.

She nodded against him and after a minute took a deep breath and stepped back, wiping the tears from her eyes, and reaching around him for his underpants.

"Sit," she said as she watched him sit back and she crouched down and shimmied his underpants up his legs.

Agnes carefully drove them home, avoiding, it seemed, every pothole or bump in the road with the driving skills of an expert. They got him settled in the living room and brought the TV up from the basement so he could watch sports while he recovered. His pills were hidden by Linnea somewhere in the house and the kids took turns sitting and watching sports with him as he drifted in and out of sleep, the pain killers doing their magic on him.

After a few days he was feeling more himself and had his follow up where they would look at his mangled groin region and tell him what they found at the lab. The kids insisted on coming but Don shoo'd everyone out of the room for the physical exam, he didn't need anyone there for that.

When they settled into Vera's office, Agnes perched on the arm of his chair and Kit lingering behind him protectively, while Linnea sat in the chair next to him holding his hand, they got the news.

"We're going to have to take the lymph nodes," Vera said. "But the very good news, is it's only in the groin region. We biopsied other lymph nodes farther away and…nothing. That's a great sign."

Don felt Linnea squeeze his hand and Agnes leaned down and kissed the top of his head.

"Good," Don nodded, his voice caked with relief.

"I'm still recommending oral chemotherapy but we will see if radiation is needed," Vera smiled at them "There will be 3 rounds of 3 weeks and we'll decide on a fourth round later on, if needed. And I've booked the surgery to take your lymph nodes for 2 weeks from now."

Don nodded, he was trying to do the math but his brain was scrambled.

"So, he should be done in 3 months?" Kit asked from behind him.

"Closer to four with surgery and recovery, and if we run the radiation, add another 2 months for rest and then the rounds of radiation," Vera said to the young man.

"By Christmas?" Kit confirmed.

"Yes, done by around Christmas," Vera nodded.

Don swallowed hard, and nodded. He could feel Linnea's reassuring grip on his hand.

Agnes wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

"You're going to be great, dad," Agnes said. "And we'll have a huge Christmas this year to celebrate."

Don nodded and wiped at his eyes as he took a deep breath.

"For now, rest and let everything heal and get your strength up for chemotherapy," Vera smiled at him.

Don nodded.

She turned to Linnea "Get as much nutrition into him as possible. Whole milk, fruit, nuts, meat, vegetables…he needs to put on some weight so his body has stores to draw from."

"I'll stuff him like a turkey," Linnea smiled.

The kids and Don laughed at her joke and the tension seemed to deflate from the room.

Linnea had taken a leave from her posting in Singapore and a temporary Ambassador had been put in her place while she took care of her partner. The Swedes had laws in place about relationships besides marriage that allowed her paid leave to care for Don for up to a year without loss of position, pay, or benefits. Don wasn't sure what the FBI would allow if Linnea was the one who was sick, but he was 100% sure it was not as good as the laws the Swedes had in place. She had moved into his home and he was grateful for her every day.

The ride home was quiet and Agnes, who was driving, finally broke the silence.

"I think I should defer a semester until…"

"No," Don said clearly from the seat next to her.

"Dad, I want to…"

"Be an eighteen year old," Don said as he reached over and took her hand in his. "I'm going to be no fun, and there are weeks before surgery, and chemo may not be that bad…"

Agnes gave him a sideways dark look.

"And, you know how I hate people hovering," Don said. "I'd rather you were doing what you love. You can come home as often as you want, but you need to not give up this opportunity for something that is very, very temporary."

Agnes swallowed hard.

"Honestly sweetie, I'm going to be fine, and you hovering around the house with nothing to do but mother me? No thank you. I love you honey, but you need to play soccer and go out with your friends and…"

"And worry about you," Agnes said.

"Don't," Don said. "And if things aren't going well…I'll get you to defer and come home. Does that work?"

Agnes reluctantly nodded.

"Maybe…maybe you could not take that course this summer," Linnea suggested from the back seat where she sat with Kit. "Take the pressure off."

Agnes nodded, she liked that idea.

"And you can take less courses in the fall if you feel it's too much," Linnea added. "You don't need to rush through. You are young and have lots of time to be in school."

Agnes nodded. "Thanks Linnea."

Linnea smiled at her in the rear-view mirror.

They got home and Don gingerly walked up to the bedroom to lay down for a nap. Linnea started to cook because it calmed her nerves, Agnes called Kevin and went out into the yard, and Kit walked into his father's room and sat down on the edge of his bed.

"Hey, what's up?" Don asked his son.

Kit shook his head and said nothing. He was all Don, ginger hair, freckles, carrying weight that could turn into muscle if he spent some time with weights, and hiding his feelings.

"Nothing is going to happen to me," Don reassured his son with a hand on his arm. He knew his son was brilliant, so he reverted to the facts. "Statistically…"

"Dad, I know the stats," Kit reassured him.

"Okay," Don sighed, not sure what his son needed.

Don sat watching his son and the expressions that he was fighting to control on his face, just like Liz used to do. He was at war with his emotions, and no one knew what the end result would be, even him.

"Can I…can I just lay here while you nap?" Kit asked him, his neck reddening like Don's always did when he was embarrassed.

"Of course, babe," Don said, using a name he hadn't said to his son in a few years.

He watched relief wash over his son's features and Don lay down on his side while Kit laid on his back. The window was open, and a soft breeze blew in on them as Don watched his son close his eyes and his breaths deepen until he was sound asleep. He remembered back to when Kit was a baby and he used to watch his chest rise and fall in the middle of the night. Don reached over and lightly gripped his son's bicep before he closed his own eyes and fell asleep.

To be continued….