A/N: Thanks to my crew for all of your support and help! PearlyFox, creaatingmadness, cullenlvr83, and DawnBreaker8. Love you girls! :)
Also, I wanna give a huge thanks to all the reviewers, they make my day :)
And a shoutout to sullysnonna, who just recently joined this journey. Your reviews are absolutely lovely and really touch my heart. I'm so glad that this story is making you feel the way it's intended!
~They have a wild love coursing through their veins… a love pulsing deep in their bones as together they fly hopeful and free~
When we were finally able to calm down our racing hearts from the intense dry hump session we just had, we moved to the couch to have our talk. I cross my legs and turn to face him. I'm holding onto his large, soft hand that's placed in my lap. I trace every contour and line, memorizing it in case I lose him again, and these are the only memories I can hold onto.
It's kind of funny, us sitting here; Edward with a raging boner that he's constantly trying to adjust, and me, with my uncomfortable drenched panties, trying to have a mature conversation.
I can feel the anxiety radiating from Edward. He's avoiding eye contact, his foot nervously tapping against the floor, wringing his fingers with mine, his palm clammy with sweat. This whole 'talking' thing is new and foreign to both of us. I don't think either of us knows what the fuck we're doing.
Edward takes a deep breath before speaking first. "I know you're fucking pissed about what happened, Bella. I am too. I don't understand this, us, what's going on. You make me feel so many things all at once, it's like I'm drowning," he starts. "I don't know what to do. I know apologizing won't make anything better, so I'm not going to. I'm explaining instead," his voice raw and eyes deep — moss green, talking to my soul. "It's my fucking feelings, Bella," Edward stares down at our hands, tightly grasped together, thumb caressing mine lovingly.
"All these feelings are messing with my mind, and this little voice in the back of my head tells me we'll never fucking make it," he shrugs in disbelief. His words have a hold on me because I know exactly what he means. "The angel on my shoulder tells me to fight for it — for us. It tells me we will make it, but I don't know. I don't fucking know how to get past this all, past the fucking games." Edward is hurting. Conflicted. We both are. "I warned you about me, baby, yet you keep coming back. You're changing me in the best fucking way possible. I'm just so fucking scared because I keep messing up. I can't lose you. I just can't." He finally glances up at me, his eyes brimmed with tears. So much misery and distress tainting his mesmerizing green eyes.
Wow, I was not expecting him to say that much, this has to be progress.
He sighs deeply and leans back against the couch, running one hand through his messy hair. I wish my fingers were running through it, but I know that would distract him, and I've never seen him this open before. We need this to get better.
Deep breaths make my chest heave as I test out the words in my head, so they come out right. "I feel the same way. I know I'm not the innocent one in this either. I'm always pushing you. I shouldn't have lied to you. I want you to trust me, but I also need to give you a reason to," I strain the words out, biting my lip.
He grabs a lock of my hair and twirls it in between his fingers. "I really want you to give me another chance. I know I probably don't deserve it, and I know it may not seem like it, but I'm trying my hardest to become a better person — for you. I was so fucked up before I met you. I know you've been patient, but please give me one more chance. I can't fucking live without you." He brings my hand to his lips and brushes them over it. The feel of his lips against my skin sends shivers down my spine.
He continues after a deep breath. "Before you, I was nothing. I wasn't alive; I didn't even want to be alive, and then when you came into my life, I finally had hope," he says in a deep, throaty yet weak tone. "I'm sorry for pushing you against the wall. I swear on my life, I will never do that again. I'm trying everything in my power to work on my rage. I'm just so fucking terrified of losing you; you're the best thing that ever happened to me." He stares into my eyes, hypnotizing me. He means every word. I know he does. "Before you, I fucking hated everyone, everything — especially myself. Meeting you was the first time I felt alive." He swallows roughly, massaging the back of his neck.
Fuck. I don't think any of the words I use will even hold a candle compared to the words that just poured from Edward's heart. Where was this side of him hiding all this time? All I can do is try and be completely honest. "I really want this to work out more than anything, and even though you didn't physically hurt me, you can never touch me like that when we're arguing again, or I won't come back." As much as the words broke me as they left my lips, he had to know that it wasn't ok for him to lose his temper like that. I knew he wouldn't ever really hurt me, but I needed to set some rules. The shame and guilt radiating off of him as I remind him of that incident proves that he would never do that again.
It takes everything in me to maintain my composure. "I genuinely thought that maybe we were too toxic for each other, and our love was just a vice to deal with our pasts, but that's so not fucking true. Leaving you was honestly the dumbest decision I've made. I've never felt the amount of pain as I did without you, and I'm so sorry for giving up on us," I take in a sharp breath. The reminder of the agony I felt being without him cutting into me. "I love you so much, and you're right. I did want the bad boy I first met, but now I just want to know the real you. I promise to try harder as well. I just fucking need you so much. I can't be without you, but I'm so fucking scared you're going to break my heart." I choke up, tears pooling in my eyes, a few drops trailing down my cheeks.
Edward leans towards me, caressing the side of my face with one hand and wiping away my tears with the other. His lips are so close I can feel his warm breath on my mouth, his eyes searing into mine with so much impassioned emotion. "Baby, you've already broken my heart way before I broke yours. You broke it the moment I saw you cause I knew you were too good for me, and I was going to fuck it up. But as long as I have you in my life, you can crush it to pieces. The ache with you is so much more bearable than the suffering without you. I love you so fucking much." Only Edward can make something so depressing sound so romantic and dreamy. My heart is pulsing hard in my chest at his words. I never doubted how much he loved me, but his confession fulfills me and reassures me that he's my soulmate.
"Okay. All I ask is for us to communicate like we're doing now and to not jump to conclusions, hear me out first."
"I promise I'll try," he leans in and gently caresses his lips against mine, such an innocent peck, but with so much promise and sentiment.
I pull back from the kiss."I was going to find you tomorrow and beg for you back," I laugh, trying to lighten the mood. Fuck, it feels good to smile and laugh. I don't think I've done it since I've last seen him.
The tension in his face softens as a breathtaking smile forms on his flawless face, exposing his stunning, white teeth. "Good thing I beat you to it."
We stare at each other for a moment, and suddenly the atmosphere changes. We talked; said everything we needed to say. Now I fucking need him.
I can see the wheels turning in Edward's head; something he's thinking about is stressing him out, his eyebrows furrowed, forehead scrunched as he scratches his scruff. "Look, Bella. There's something I really need to tell y-"
I cut him off and throw myself on him, kissing the fuck out of him. Sating the craving I'm desperate for. I don't want to talk anymore. I need him. I've been too long without him and don't want to wait a second longer. He's sitting there so vulnerable — only to me and looking so fucking hot. There is something insanely sexy about such a bad, naughty, devious, and wicked boy — that isn't afraid to be emotional, affectionate, sensitive, and madly in love with you.
Whatever was so important he could tell me later. We talked enough. We completely opened our minds and hearts to each other. It's time to show him how I feel about him with my body.