Author's Note: trigger warning for talk of self harm and suicide
Steve couldn't breathe. He knew this had been going too well, even with the last minute knife attack. That had been handled swiftly and everything was done. They'd done everything right, but it wasn't good enough. Steve should've made Bruce stay with Clint, so none of them were alone. But now Clint wasn't okay and there was nothing he could do about it.
"Bruce, can you get eyes on Clint?" Tony yelled through the comms, grabbing Steve's arm to keep him from falling over. He should be leading right now, but he couldn't.
"I'm approaching your position now. I don't even know which damn building he was on!" Bruce shouted, huffing out panicked breaths.
"Thor, go out and assist. Find him and bring him back," Tony directed, pointing toward the door.
"On it," Thor agreed, turning and slamming out of the room. He stopped just outside, cocking his head to the side. "Found him."
"What?" Steve gasped, trying to figure out if he'd heard wrong.
"Hey guys, what's up?" Clint asked, striding into the room like he hadn't a care in the world. Everyone was gaping at him in shock. "What happened?"
"Why didn't you answer your comm, you dick?" Natasha snapped, her anger revealing her anxiety, even though she'd stayed quiet the whole time.
"After I got the call to come over, I kind of dropped my earwig," Clint admitted sheepishly. "It was itching my ear and when I went to scratch it, it fell off the side of the building."
"You idiot!" Tony hissed.
"Sorry! They don't cost that much, do they?" Clint grunted, crossing his arms defensively.
"I don't care about that! We thought- we thought…" Tony trailed off, leaving Clint to put together the pieces. Steve could tell when he did, because Clint's eyes snapped to his immediately. Steve still hadn't moved from where he stood frozen, trying to calm his heart before it burst out of his chest.
It had only been a minute between thinking Clint was hurt or worse, but it felt like a lifetime. And he'd done nothing. Some things in this world came down to a game of seconds. If you hesitate, you might just lose all your options. Steve used to be good at making those split second decisions and was confident about them each time. But Steve had been paralyzed. And it could've cost Clint his life.
Steve rushed out of the room at that thought, staggering over to the first trash can he saw and falling to his knees in front of it. He gagged as visions of what they could've found flashed through his mind. Clint with a bullethole in his forehead. Or a broken neck after falling from the building. Or disappearing altogether, leaving no trace and at the mercy of people who wanted to hurt him.
"Oh God, Steve!" Clint gasped, crouching down at his side to rub his back. "I'm so sorry! I thought I'd get here without anyone realizing I was offline. Shit, how do I fix this?" Steve grabbed him, wrapping him up in a desperate hug. He left himself feel Clint's heart beating in his chest, taking comfort in the strong thump.
"You're okay, so it's okay," Steve mumbled, concentrating on letting his breaths even out.
"Not to sound like an asshole, but Shield is going to be here any minute," Tony said, urging them to stand up. Clint pulled him up, readjusting his cowl that had shifted a little during his breakdown. He produced a mint from out of nowhere, pushing it between Steve's lips. "We good?"
"Yeah," Steve rasped, clearing his throat.
"Maybe I'll do the talking," Tony suggested, leading them back to where the hostages were sitting. Steve hoped they were paying more attention to their own panic than his.
"Where's Natasha?" Steve asked, looking around the room for the redhead. She wasn't standing over their angry prisoner like she'd been before.
"She's upstairs with Bruce, waiting to bring the agents down when they get here," Tony said. Steve was glad she wasn't up there alone. The danger might be over for real this time, but they couldn't be too careful. And she scared most of the agents, so they might be less likely to give them lip when faced with her.
"So, what's the story with this one?" Clint asked, gesturing to the snarling woman on the ground.
"Tried to hurt Steve, Natasha broke her arm. We're letting the regular agents deal with her because honestly, I want to burn her face off," Tony muttered, turning away so he wouldn't be tempted to do just that.
"Incoming," Natasha announced through the comms. Tony bumped Clint's shoulder, letting him know to be prepared since he couldn't hear the warning. Steve stood back, letting the others take the lead.
"Welcome!" Tony greeted, as the agents filed in behind Natasha and Bruce. The two of them came over to surreptitiously give Steve support. "Do you all enjoy coming in after all the hard work is over?"
"We go where we're told," the man who Steve assumed was the lead agent said.
"You know, I appreciate someone who knows how to follow orders," Tony chuckled, waving his hand toward all the people in the room. "We've got everything set up here for you, so have fun cleaning up. The one with the broken arm who is currently cursing up a storm may be the mastermind in all of this, but you'll have to find that out for sure. Any questions? Cause I'd really like to get back to my end of the country before dark."
"Fury will let you know if we need anything else," the agent grumbled, stalking off to where the others were questioning the hostages.
"Spectacular! We're gonna skedaddle, get out of your hair," Tony rambled, hooking Steve under his arm and dragging him out of the room. "Happy holidays!" Steve let himself be led out, flanked on his other side by Clint. No one said anything as they made their way back to the jet, brushing off the growing crowd outside with polite smiles and waves. Steve could not put on his Captain America face right now. Tony was right; he shouldn't have come.
They all climbed onto the plane, going to their normal areas for the flight home. Steve didn't want to talk about it and thankfully, no one was pushing. Bruce just tossed him a recovery bar and left him to his own devices. He replayed that minute over and over again for the entire journey home, imagining everything he could've done differently. Steve should've been the one to tell Bruce and Thor to go look for Clint, not Tony. Or Steve should've gone himself. But leaving people behind was kind of Steve's deal, wasn't it? Whether it was due to sleeping in ice for 70 years or leaving his best friend to die in his own icy grave.
As soon as the quinjet landed on the roof of Stark Tower, Steve was off and headed straight for his floor. He needed to get this suit off now, before it suffocated him. The material felt like it was too tight, like it really didn't fit him anymore. Not physically, but mentally. How had he ever lived up to the symbol before? He was just an idiot who didn't know how to land a plane.
Steve rushed through the elevator doors the second they opened, tugging at the neck of his suit. He could feel the sweat covering his body, but he was freezing. The moisture was making the material stick to his body and he was starting to panic. It felt like a second, thick skin and it was stifling. He needed help.
Steve ran into the kitchen, banging through drawers to find a pair of scissors to help free him from his prison. He couldn't find them and he was in too much of a frenzy to pause for a minute and think about where they could be. The only thing on his mind was escaping this trap. He grabbed the chef's knife out of the knife block, apologizing to Tony in his head for ruining yet another suit, but he had no choice. Steve put the blade under the edge of his sleeve, trying to work the knife up the loosest spot.
"Steve, stop!" Tony screamed from the doorway, startling Steve from what he was doing. Tony had his hands out in front of himself, positioned like someone approaching a dangerous individual or scared child. "Put the knife down, please." Steve felt like a bucket of ice water was thrown in his face. The panic from before was gone and it was like he was standing outside of his body, taking in the whole scene from another angle. And it didn't look good.
"Oh God, Tony no," Steve gasped, carefully pulling out the knife and dropping it into the sink. Tony tracked the movement with his eyes, springing forward as soon as the knife was out of his hand and pulling him into a distraught hug. Steve couldn't return it, feeling numb from what he knew Tony had been thinking.
"Steve, Steve," Tony sobbed, burying his face against his neck. Steve stood there, letting Tony take whatever he needed from him. Would Steve have jumped to the same conclusion if he'd seen someone else in the same scenario he'd been in? He hoped not, but he understood why it was so easy to make that jump when it came to him. And that realization made him sick.
"I wasn't going to hurt myself," Steve mumbled, closing his eyes in resignation. "I swear, that's not what was happening."
"But, the knife?" Tony questioned, pulling back, but keeping his hand on the side of Steve's neck.
"I couldn't get my suit off," Steve sighed, wincing at how stupid that sounded now. He could've called any of them for help, but he'd been too caught up in his own trauma to think clearly, just like during the mission. "I couldn't find my scissors."
"You left them on Natasha's floor after you wrapped Christmas presents," Tony whispered, taking in a shuddering breath as he finally started believing Steve's words. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have- I mean, I panicked. It's just, after what happened at the end of the mission, and then you running off, I-"
"I get it," Steve said, shrugging his shoulders. All too well he understood why Tony's brain had led him down that line of thinking. He needed to do something about it. "Can you give me some space please? I think I need to be alone."
"Wait, can we just talk about what happened first?" Tony pleaded, gripping his free hand into the fabric of Steve's suit. "Please don't push me away. This is exactly what I was afraid of when you agreed to this mission. I can't go through this again! I can't stand to see you in pain and closing yourself off from everyone!"
"Tony, I'm not-"
"And I know I sound selfish right now, but I'm going to be. I won't let you be alone in this, not when I'm the cause," Tony shouted, holding onto Steve with an even firmer grasp, as if he was afraid Steve was going to push him off.
"I'm not going to do that this time, I promise. I just need some time to think," Steve insisted. "Please trust me."
"I do trust you, I trust you with everything. I'm just scared."
"Of what? Of me?"
"No, I'm scared for you."
"Jarvis, I'm giving you permission to monitor me for the foreseeable future. If you see anything alarming, you're authorized to notify Tony or one of the other Avengers if Tony isn't available," Steve dictated, looking down at Tony for his reaction. He looked mostly surprised, with a little relief added in also. Steve wasn't planning on giving Jarvis anything to report, so he didn't mind giving Tony that bit of reassurance. "I just need a minute to change, take a shower, collect my thoughts. I promise I'll come up to join the rest of you soon." Tony looked like he wanted to argue, but he held himself back. He slowly let go of his hold on Steve, stepping away to give him one last look, probably searching for any sign he wasn't as okay as he said he was.
"Not too long?" Tony asked, eyeing the knife where it was still sitting in the sink. Steve grabbed it, sliding it back into the block and handing the whole thing to Tony.
"Not too long," Steve agreed. Tony stared down at the utensils in his hands, clenching his jaw as he set them back on the counter. He gave Steve one last nod before he turned and headed back to the elevator. Steve sagged under the weight of everything that had just occurred. But all this turmoil just solidified the next steps he had to take.
Steve made his way over to his bathroom, peeling off his suit as he went along. It really wasn't that hard to take off, when he wasn't actively having a breakdown. He couldn't even enjoy his shower, not with the talk he was about to have with everyone looming over him. It was something he'd been thinking about for a while now, but the events of the day just solidified how necessary it was. This was going to be one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do, but it was the right choice.
Steve dressed himself in the softest, most comfortable clothes he could find and walked over to stand in front of his window to look over the city. This city, this world needed someone strong to protect it, but he wasn't the person for the job right now. That much was certain after what happened today. He needed to meet up with everyone and tell them, before he chickened out.
"Jarvis, take me to the team, please," Steve directed as he stepped onto the elevator. He took a few calming breaths during the ride, trying to think up exactly what he was going to say. The words wouldn't come to him, but that was alright. He was used to making speeches on the fly. It was more sincere that way.
Everyone was sitting on the couches on the common floor when he got there, staring at him with worry in their eyes. He longed for a day that would change.
"So, I need to tell you all something," Steve started, rubbing the back of his neck. "This past month has been very special to me, because of all of you. You guys reminded me what it was like to live, to actually enjoy life, and I'll always appreciate it. I thought with how well things were going, going out on a mission wouldn't be a big deal. Obviously, I was wrong."
"Steve, I'm so sorry-"
"Clint, it's not your fault. Something like this was always going to happen, we were just lucky enough this time that it was a false alarm," Steve sighed, not wanting any of the team to shoulder any of the blame for this. "But it did show me something that I can't ignore anymore, and that's what you all need to know. I can't be Captain America."
The room exploded with noise, all of them protesting the idea of the team going on without him. Even though they'd all had valid concerns about him going on the mission that day, actually hearing these words made them forget all those points.
"You can't do this," Tony gasped, covering his mouth with his hand. Steve knew Tony would take this the hardest, after everything they'd been through. But it was the right call.
"Let me finish, please," Steve said, waiting for everyone to quiet down before he continued. "You all know I haven't been okay since I woke up. I can get through most of the day now, but out there, that's when the cracks start to show. I can't keep going on with my life without dealing with my past."
"We can help you. It doesn't mean you have to quit," Tony insisted, looking to the others for support.
"And again, you guys have been more help than I can even describe, but that's also part of the problem. I've gotten so close to you, that the thought of anything happening to you practically cripples me. And I know that has to do with my unresolved grief about everyone I left behind. I don't think you can help me with that, but I'm planning on finding someone who can."
"What are you saying?" Tony asked.
"I'm saying that I'm finally ready to talk to someone about all this. A professional. I need to work out all my crap with someone who knows what they're doing. Who will show me how to accept this life and everything that comes with it."
"What made you change your mind?"
"I may not be able to be Captain America right now, but I'm going to be Captain America again. I'm going to learn how to be the best version of myself I can be, so I can be out there by your sides saving the world again," Steve declared, looking each one of them in the eye.
"You're still Captain America, Steve, even if you can't see that now. Knowing when to ask for help is one of the strongest things you can do and I think I'm going to follow your lead," Tony said, stepping up to put a hand on Steve's shoulder. Steve wrapped his arms around the other man, pulling him in for a heart healing hug. They were all going to make it through this, no matter what it took. The others quickly joined, enveloping each other in the warmth and safety of their ragtag family.
"Thank you," Steve sighed, relishing in the feeling of everyone together.
"This will always be your team," Tony said, squeezing the back of his neck.
"No," Steve said, looking around at everyone, "this is our team."