Chapter 46: Friends and Fiends

The Moth & The Flame by Les Deux Love Orchestra

In the evening of Monday, January thirtieth, I approached the painting of the Fat Lady alone and then slipped through the portrait hole, emerging from the dimness into the flickering, warm glow of the Gryffindor Common Room. Naturally it wasn't bursting at the seams with students as it was for the raucous multi-House parties, but there was a decent crowd. It looked like all the seventh-year Gryffindors, as well as the Prefects, were in attendance, along with gaggles of younger girls who'd no doubt only shown up because James and Sirius would be present. I spotted Lily and James sharing a loveseat, several other armchairs and sofas having been moved to make a circular sitting area where it looked like most of the birthday celebration attendees were sitting, laughing and talking amongst themselves. I saw Sirius's dark-haired head at one end of a sofa, Peter and Remus sharing it with him. Swallowing my discomfort at being the only Ravenclaw, I made my way over, hoping that Sirius would let me sit next to him.

"You made it out of the lake, Grindylow?" James said with a cheeky grin when I drew nearer.

Sirius turned around so quickly that I was surprised his neck didn't crack. "Kitten! You made it," he said, grinning widely.

"I couldn't very well miss it, could I?" I said, returning his smile and then waving in greeting to Lily.

"Come sit with me, kitten," Sirius said, and I gladly obliged, sitting down and displacing Peter in the process, who grumbled something about soggy Grindylows.

I ignored the stares that I was getting from some of the other girls present as I turned to Sirius. "Been up to much yet?"

He shifted so that his thigh was a solid, warm pressure against mine, grey eyes twinkling mischievously. "Been rather boring until you showed up." He reached a hand into his pocket and withdrew something. "Here, kitten. I saved you some sugar quills."

I grinned widely, my cheeks flushing at his expectant expression. "Thank you, Sirius."

He smiled before we both unwrapped one each and popped them in our mouths, earning a jealous sidelong glance from Peter beside me.

"S'better than Chocolate Frogs, 'cause you won't lose them," Sirius mumbled around the sweet in his mouth.

"Only lost those 'cause I was high," I said, rolling my eyes and poking him in the leg.

There was sudden clapping and cheering as one of the seventh-years appeared with butterbeers and bottles of firewhiskey, using wingardium leviosa to get them to the members of the circle instead of tediously handing them out.

"Thank you, Rollins," Lily said over the babble.

"Still surprised you condone this sort of behaviour, Evans."

"That's because it was my idea," James said, smiling and wrapping an arm around her waist, to laughter and a few wolf-whistles from the group.

"Oi, you lot! Let's have a toast for the birthday witch!" Dorcas piped up from near Lily and James.

There was a very raucous round of toasts and clapping, with mugs and bottles being clinked around the circle.

Sirius got a bottle of firewhiskey open, took a swig, and then handed it to me. "Fancy some, kitten?"

I smiled appreciatively, though I took a series of small sips instead of going in full tilt like he had. As the group dissolved into separate conversations and as more students joined the circle, with suggestions of playing "Never have I ever" and "Truth or Drink," I got up from my spot with Sirius, smiling reassuringly when he looked up in concern. I needed a smoke and I wasn't particularly fond of being in the group for such games, seeing as I was the only Ravenclaw and the only Gryffindors I knew well were Lily and the Marauders. I felt a bit left out.

Making my way to the edge of the room, I cracked open a window and stood beside it, lighting one of the spliffs I found in my pockets. At the very least I didn't get any dirty looks for smoking indoors here, not like I had when I'd tried to in the Ravenclaw Common Room. I closed my eyes, leaning against the wall and into the comforting burn of the smoke in my lungs and throat, the talking around me fading away.

I didn't know how long I'd been zoning out against the wall when I was joined by another person.

"You falling asleep, Stripes?"

I opened my eyes and smiled at James, who was fishing a cigarette out of his trouser pocket. "What're you doing over here, Rotter? Aren't you supposed to be immersed in the celebration?" I said, nodding towards the group with Lily, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and the other Gryffindors.

He ruffled the top of his head. "I needed a smoke. I mean, I am cutting down. But I reckon I couldn't do a cold turkey. Reckon I don't have that kind of self-discipline."

"Cold turkey? I'm surprised you'd know Muggle slang like that."

He offered me a crooked grin as he raised the cigarette to his lips. "You'd be surprised how much I pick up from Lily and Padfoot."

"From Sirius?"

"Has he not told you about his fascination with Muggle things? Not to mention his motorbike."

I laughed and waved my hand. "Oh, yeah. I do know about that."

James turned and fixed me with a long stare, pushing his glasses up his nose with a finger. "So he's told you a lot then."

I took a thoughtful drag before I said, "Yeah, he has. More than I ever thought he'd feel comfortable telling me."

James followed my gaze to where Sirius was sitting with Peter, trying to sneak a Chocolate Frog down the back of his blond friend's shirt. James looked back to me, his eyes hard behind his glasses. "Has he told you about his family yet?"

"Yeah," I said, remembering how the look in his eyes had been similar in the forest after I'd intervened with Remus.

"You'd better not hurt him. He never opens up to others, and I won't let someone new hurt him."

I fixed him with an earnest, sincere look. "James, I swear on my life, I would never want to hurt Sirius. I care about him a lot."

He furrowed his brows, but he was studying me much more kindly now. "Do you love him?"

I coughed on my lungful of smoke in surprise. "Do you love Lily?" I shot back.

He gave me a crooked smile before he looked over at his girlfriend, bringing his cigarette to his lips thoughtfully and leaving me to study his profile. "Sometimes I think I do, sometimes I think I'm not ready yet."

Watching Sirius from afar, I answered, "I'd say it's about the same for me."

James glanced at me again. "I'd've never been able to predict you rising up out of the lake this year, Grindylow."

I chuckled. "I wouldn't've ever been able to predict this either. Sometimes… sometimes it feels like it's not really happening to me, you know?"

He nodded. "I get that feeling with Lily. After so many years of chasing after her and rejecting me every single time, saying she hated me, it feels a tad surreal now."

"I reckon it would."

"I'm sorry I was such a bloody arsehole to you in the beginning," he said.

"S'okay, Rotter."

"Well, it's not really."

I smiled and said, "It's okay, I get it. I can't even imagine how stressful it must have been for you, having another person who you barely knew— a near stranger— in on the secret. I know how dangerous it would be for him if word got out. If I'd been in your position, I can guarantee you that I would've done the same thing."

He raised an eyebrow. "You're condoning me being a prick?"

I shrugged. "I don't blame you, rather. And I was being such an ill-tempered grindylow in the beginning too. God, I cringe thinking about how I acted so badly early on." I rubbed my face with a hand and managed a self-deprecating laugh.

"We got over that, yeah?" James said, nudging me amicably.

"What, really? We did?" I said in mock disbelief.

He snorted with laughter and took another drag. "I can see why Padfoot likes you, Stripes."

Pleasant heat bloomed over my cheeks and I couldn't help but smile. "I guess you're right then. But really," I said, my voice taking a sombre turn, "I'm glad Lily has you to make her happy. You really do, James. She smiles constantly when you're around."

He turned suddenly to look at me. "Really?"

I nodded. "She can get so in her head sometimes, and I love seeing you bringing her out of her shell and making her happy. She's never told me this explicitly, but I get the sort of feeling that she's still grieving the loss of Severus. She's told me that she was incredibly close to him, that he was her best friend— which you already know— and that it hurt her terribly when he pushed her away and called her a mudblood."

James furrowed his brows. "You weren't there, Stripes. She was livid when that happened at the end of fifth year."

"Yeah, but hear me out. When she talks about him, you can see she still gets that far-away look in her eyes. He treated her like shit and even if she'll never forgive him, there'll always be a part of her, however small, grieving the loss of someone who'd been her best friend for so long. What I'm trying to say is that I'm glad you're there for her, helping her come out of her shell a bit more, you know?"

He watched me for a long moment before smiling and taking his glasses off to polish them on his sleeve. "How do you pick up on this stuff?"

"Dunno." In all honesty, it was probably my Inner Eye.

"No wonder Moony said you're nice to talk to about personal shite."

I smiled and looked back at Sirius, Remus and Peter, who were having an animated debate in between pelting each other with Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. "It's not the easiest for me. But with people I know, I can sort of relate."

"So how do you relate so well to Moony?"

"How'd you mean?"

"He's said you're 'cursed' as well, though he's always been so bloody fatalistic and hopeless when he talks about his furry problem. You can't have the same furry problem, since you were there for that full moon. So," he said, tossing his cigarette butt out the window and fixing me with a determined look, "which is it: vampire, veela, or are you actually a grindylow?"

I laughed, making Sirius look up from pestering Peter. When he saw me standing by the window, a brilliant smile lit up his face. If he'd been Padfoot, he would have started wagging his tail. I blew him a kiss before I turned my attention back to my spliff. "It's none of those things, and it's far worse. But I can't tell anyone because whoever finds out is at risk. Not the kind of risk like with the furry problem, but a different kind." I looked up to meet his curious gaze. "I've had to sacrifice my own happiness to protect my family from what I am, and if I told anyone, their lives could be in danger."

He frowned and considered me. "But you told Padfoot?"

I smiled wryly. "Was it that obvious?"

He grinned. "Nah, I just know my best mate like the back of my hand. And I tried asking him last week about why Moony said you were cursed and he sort of… blew up."

"Blew up?"

"Yeah. He got very defensive of you, Stripes. Wouldn't let us continue the conversation, wouldn't answer any questions. Which is why I know how close you two are. I mean, it's rather obvious anyway."

I laughed. "Yeah, his forte isn't really being subtle, is it?"

"Most times, no."

It struck me then that James and I were talking about Sirius with the same feelings for him, though James loved him as a friend, as family, while my feelings for Sirius were of an entirely different nature. Still, we both cared for him deeply.

James reached a hand up to ruffle his hair. "So why'd you tell Padfoot about your 'curse' if it's so dangerous for anyone to know about it?"

"Because he… walked in on me suffering from the curse. He wasn't supposed to see anything. But he did, and then he wouldn't let it go."

"Yeah, that's Padfoot. Loyal to a fault. Are you glad you told him?"

"Yeah. He's the only one I've told, if that makes you feel better. And I doubt I would've even told him if he'd not walked in on my curse taking hold of me."

James shrugged. "You're killing Moony with the suspense, Stripes. He's been wracking his brain about what your curse is, though you'd never know if you didn't know him like I do. It's all very polite though, because it's Moony. He'd never pry."

"I know. And I wish I could tell him. Maybe I can one day, after this war is over."

"Maybe one day this bloody war will be over and then Muggleborns like you and Lily won't have to worry about manky Slytherins, yeah?"

"That sounds like paradise." Glancing at him, I said quietly, "Sirius told me about all that you did for him, James. He told me about how he went to your house after he ran away, about how you've always been there for him. Honestly when I first started spending time with Sirius, I reckon I was intimidated by how close you two are. And I'm also jealous because I've never had a best friend like you two and I've always wanted something like what you and him share, and what the four of you have together. And I reckon he wouldn't've been the same person without you three, just like you all wouldn't be who you are today without each other. That closeness is something that I'm envious of." I let out a self-deprecating laugh. "Perhaps if I hadn't been so thick in the beginning, I would've seen how it was natural for you to be defensive of your friends."

James looked at me for a long moment. "We were both being gits in the beginning, Stripes. No need to get worked up about it," he said with a smile. "And for the record I've never hated you. I reckon you're a good match for Padfoot. Well, that's been obvious for a while. I reckon he's been lonely this year since I've been spending so much time with Lily, and I'm glad he's gotten comfortable enough with you to talk about his family. You're the only person besides us who he's told about what shite parents he has."

I smiled and tossed my finished spliff out the window before turning back to the Common Room, my eyes landing on Sirius sitting at the end of the sofa. "It's been a seventh year of everyone behaving badly, except for maybe Remus and Lily."

James laughed and ruffled his hair. "Who says the year of behaving badly is over? Don't we have until June to do stupid things?"

I laughed, conceding that point. "I already talked about this with Sirius, but do you have any plans for after graduation?"

"No, not really. I'll be heading back to my parents' place and I reckon we'll probably invite everyone over to celebrate being done with Hogwarts. You'd be invited too, Stripes," he said with a grin. "Padfoot would kill me if I didn't invite you."

"So it'll be making up for me missing the celebration over the holidays?"

"Exactly. Did Padfoot tell you how he was moping around like a beaten dog when you didn't show up?"

"Yeah, he told me," I said, watching Sirius on the sofa. "It's funny because he used to tell me that he was heartless before I knew him well. But now I know he pretends to be heartless because he doesn't open up to others easily and doesn't want to get hurt. Knowing what happened with his shitty family, I could never blame him for being defensive and careful with his heart, for only trusting you three. I just feel lucky that he's let me see that side of him."

James looked at Sirius across the room and then back at me. "I reckon he feels the same about you opening up to him."

I smiled. "I reckon he does."

Sirius craned his neck to look for me and saw me still standing with his best mate. I watched as he said something to Peter and then unfolded his lanky body from his seated position to walk over to us, his grin getting wider with every step closer.

James threw his best mate a punch on the arm when he stopped to stand with us. "Surprised you didn't come over sooner, Padfoot."

"Surprised you two aren't having a row, being unsupervised and all," Sirius retorted, throwing James a punch back.

"Just so you know, old man, we've just been having a great heart-to-heart over here," I said.

"Oh, yeah. We've been getting rather friendly without you, Padfoot."

Sirius snorted with laughter. "I'm not jealous, if that's what you're getting at."

"In all honesty though, we've never hated each other," I said, gesturing between myself and James. "We were just discussing that actually. And how everyone's been acting like idiots this year."

"That's our specialty, Prongs."

James laughed and ruffled the top of Sirius's head. "Sure is. Don't do anything indecent out in the open, you two lovebirds," he said over his shoulder as he walked back towards Lily and the other Gryffindors.

"Oi, you're one to talk!" Sirius called after him.

I grinned, looking at Sirius, so stupidly happy now that he was here with me.

He turned to look at me, his own smile gracing his features. "What're you smiling at, kitten?"

"Nothing really. I'm just happy."

He watched me, eyes twinkling. "Good."

"We were talking about you actually," I said, nodding at James who'd once more seated himself beside Lily on the loveseat.

Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "Really? What about?"

"About how much we both care about you," I said, my eyes never leaving his face.

He stared at me, at a loss for words.

Watching his reaction, I added gently, "The subject of me relating to Remus because of my 'curse' came up and he said that you got defensive of me when he tried to ask about me last week."

His lips curled into a half-smile as he watched me. "I did, kitten." He raised a hand to tuck a curl behind my ear, the fondness in his expression clear as day. "You told me yourself how you can't tell anyone, and I take my job as the only one who knows about you very seriously. I promised you, didn't I? When you told me in the dormitory."

"Yeah, you did."

"Do you still trust me with your secret?" he said quietly, eyes searching my face.

I smiled. "Of course I do."

"You know I trust you too, yeah? Or I wouldn't've told you about my family," he murmured.

"I know," I whispered. "And I hope you know that I don't just spend time with you for the shagging and friends-with-benefits thing, Sirius. I haven't even considered you to be only my shagging partner for a while."

He smiled, his gaze never leaving mine. "What are we, Kersti?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows.

"I mean we're friends now, but we still shag each other. What does that make us?"

I gave him a small smile before I looked away. If I was only his friend, I wasn't supposed to fancy him so desperately. "Dunno. Doubt friends shag and snog each other as much as we do. And sleep in each other's beds."

Sirius hummed in agreement, studying my profile. For a moment, I wondered how this physically and emotionally intimate dynamic could have sprung up so quickly between two people who'd never known each other before this year. But it had, and all because we got along so well. I wondered then, looking out at the other Gryffindors around us, if Sirius would ever commit to a relationship with me, assuming that he also fancied me, or if he would be complacent about our dynamic that fell outside the strict realm of platonic friendship. I cared for him deeply, but for the first time I feared that after leaving Hogwarts he would take for granted how much I would try to remain a fixture in his life. I wanted to at least try to have a committed relationship with Sirius, but would he ever want that too?

He cleared his throat nervously and withdrew another sugar quill from his trouser pocket, handing it to me. "Have you been eating more, kitten?"

I shrugged as we unwrapped our sweets and popped them in our mouths. "Sort of."

"Do I have to force you to eat meals with us at the Gryffindor table now?" he said, smiling and tickling me with his free hand.

I laughed and he smiled wider. "Maybe. You know, if you ask me to come over to see your flat in the summer, you're never going to be able to get rid of me. I'll be like that niffler that ends up in your sock drawer."

Sirius barked with laughter, nearly choking on his sugar quill. "You're going to sleep in my sock drawer?"

"If you won't let me sleep on the couch, yeah."

"Of course I won't make you sleep with my socks, kitten. And you wouldn't even fit," he said, making us both laugh at that ridiculous image.

"Thanks for the sugar quill," I said, looking at Sirius leaning against the wall beside me. "And for caring about how I've been doing."

"You don't have to thank me for caring." He paused, studying me. "Can I ask you something, Kersti?"

"Anything."

"Have you ever been in a relationship before?"

Glancing at him in surprise, I found him looking at me evenly. "No, I haven't. I'm assuming you haven't either?"

He shook his head. "I haven't for obvious reasons. Couldn't've had a relationship if I didn't shag the same girl more than a few times."

I smiled and agreed around the sugar quill in my mouth. "Same. Most I've ever had is a friends-with-benefits thing during the summer that was very uninvolved on my part compared to this," I said gesturing between me and Sirius.

He offered me a lop-sided grin and ran a hand through his hair. "I know I'm going to sound like a git when I say this, but I think I agree with you when I say that I've found almost everyone to be too boring to fancy."

I threw my head back and laughed, making Sirius laugh too. "That must be why neither of us have bothered with anything beyond casual shagging."

"Of course, kitten."

"And I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with that, in case you were wondering," I said, elbowing him gently.

He grinned from ear to ear, watching me. "Merlin, you are something else, you know that?"

"You are too."

For a moment as we stood staring at each other like lovesick idiots, I thought that he was going to lean in and kiss me, until a loud voice broke the moment. "Oi! What did I say about indecency?"

"Piss off, Prongs," Sirius said with a smile, eyes lingering on me.

"Hey, you two," Lily said, smiling and walking beside James.

"Happy birthday by the way. Sorry I didn't get to say it in person before now," I offered.

She waved her hand as they stopped to stand with us. "Don't worry about it. I'd never get mad about something like that."

"How magnanimous, Evans," Sirius said.

Remus appeared in between me and James, flanked by Peter. "Happy birthday, Lily. Sorry that I didn't get you anything."

She beamed and tucked some hair behind her ears. "It's really not a big deal, Remus. I wasn't even expecting any presents to begin with."

"You sure? Really? I know me, Wormtail and Padfoot can get you something during the next Hogsmeade trip to make up for it."

"Honestly, Remus, it's okay."

"Why don't you just sneak out of the castle with the Map and the Cloak this week?" Realizing my mistake, I froze.

James's gaze bounced from me to Sirius. "You told her, Padfoot?"

"He didn't. I accidentally overheard the four of you discussing it," I admitted sheepishly.

Remus shrugged and smiled. "It was bound to happen at some point."

"Yeah, but now you spilled the beans to Lily too," James said, glancing at his girlfriend.

Lily batted her eyes innocently and pressed her lips together, probably to keep from laughing.

James's mouth dropped open. "No! You already knew too?"

"What? Since when, Evans?" Sirius said, glancing at me.

Lily and I exchanged a guilty glance.

"Stripes! You told her?" James said.

"I couldn't help it! I was too excited that we'd found out what the tracking device was!" I protested. At Sirius's anxious gaze, I leaned in closer to him and whispered, "I only told her about the Cloak and the Map. Not the… other things."

Lily giggled, betraying her lack of innocence. "We were really excited."

"Isn't that bloody fantastic," Peter grumbled, shoving a whole Chocolate Frog in his mouth.

James laughed, leaning over to ruffle his hair affectionately. "Cheer up, mate. Like Moony said, it was bound to happen eventually."

"Aren't you going to dump me for finding out about the Map and the Cloak?" Lily teased James.

"Pshh." He grinned and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, hugging her to his side. "Never."

Sirius and I made retching noises. "Oi! Get a room, you indecent lovebirds," Sirius said.

"Who're you calling an indecent lovebird, you sod? If anyone's an indecent pair of lovebirds, it's you and Stripes."

"That's rather rich coming from you, Prongs."

"I agree with Padfoot," Remus said with a mischievous smile.

"Stop ganging up on me! I thought you two were supposed to be my mates?"

"Doesn't mean we can't call you an indecent lovebird," Remus shot back with a laugh.

"Wormtail, give me a Chocolate Frog to put down the back of his shirt," Sirius said.

"What? No! I want to eat them!" he squeaked.

"No one's putting any sodding Chocolate Frogs down the back of my shirt, Padfoot."

"Give me the bloody frogs, Wormtail," Sirius said in between barks of laughter.

"NO!" Peter squealed and made a mad dash away from Sirius, who simply went bounding after him.

"Oi! Lay off him, Padfoot!" James said, careening after them as well.

"James!" Lily tried to call after him, only to descend into a fit of laughter like me and Remus as we watched Peter scurrying around armchairs, followed by Sirius and James's tall and dark-haired figures, the three of them upending groups of students in their paths.

"It's always been like this, in case you were wondering," Remus added, content to watch his friends' antics from the sidelines like us.

"How in Merlin's name are you still sane, Remus," Lily said.

"Dunno. I've been asking myself the same thing all these years," he said with a hearty laugh.

Joining in their laughter, I watched Sirius being an idiot with James and felt my heart swelling with fondness for him. I didn't care if he could be a right idiot sometimes, because that was who he was. He was loyal, caring, smart and full of an infectious playful energy that I loved. It dawned on me then that I was hopelessly in love with Sirius, even if I was at the same time wracked with doubts about whether he reciprocated— and would ever reciprocate— these feelings. But it was too late. Like everything with Sirius, I was too far gone to come back now.