NO SHEPARD WITHOUT VAKARIAN

Back and forth, Garrus paced an empty hall over and over again. His rage had simmered down from a boil, but he couldn't shake all the fervid feelings away.

How could Alex keep such a secret away from him? A child. Their child. For whatever reason, she kept him away from what could have been the most precious moments of his life. Her pregnancy. The birth of their child. Naming their child. Seeing that child grow.

Garrus had to sit down. He cradled his forehead into his palms, elbows propped onto his knees. He still loved her – he did. But this was selfish of her. He couldn't believe it. He'd never experienced a betrayal quite like this.

"So this is where you ran off to," a voice echoed down the hallway.

Garrus groaned and glanced up at his visitor with disdain. He didn't want to talk to anyone, much less Nihlus. He approached casually, hands in his pockets, and leaned against the wall opposite of Garrus.

"Not now, Nihlus," he grumbled.

"Look, I know I'm probably the last you want to talk to—"

No kidding.

"—and I can't pretend to know what you're feeling. The news of being a father is not a light subject, and it can be a scary thing."

Garrus straightened in his seat and watched Nihlus as he attempted to lecture him.

"I don't know what plans you and Alex had for the future, but if you find yourself not ready to take on the situation, just know that the boy won't grow up without a father."

Raging fire took over Garrus as he sprung up and charged towards Nihlus, almost colliding into him but stopping just short of. Too cool to react, Nihlus didn't flinch or even blink at the sudden movement.

"What the hell is this? Some attempt to get in my head and win Alex back?"

Nihlus scoffed back and shook his head, gazing back at him with hooded eyes. "I'm making sure that Avel doesn't grow up without a father. Like I did."

I'm an asshole.

Garrus backed away and sat back down on the bench, crossing his arms. He muttered, "Sorry."

"Let's not make this awkward."

"It's a little late for that."

Nihlus released a slow exhalation and adjusted his position against the wall. "I just need to know they're going to be taken care of."

"Of course they are," Garrus replied promptly. He was outraged by the accusation. "I'm not going anywhere."

Nihlus' eyes narrowed. "Good to know," he said, but his tone was unconvinced. "Let me give you another perspective: Shepard saved the galaxy."

He snarled slowly, "I know that."

"Then you minimize the importance of what she did."

Garrus threw him a dirty look. The allegation was like a punch to the face. He clenched his jaw, mandibles pinched against his face, but he didn't speak.

"As crass as it may sound, Alex did what she needed to. Even if she was with child."

The words drove the knife in his heart deeper and on the verge of splitting the organ in half. Garrus was seething under Nihlus' preaching. Why the hell was he still here? Garrus had answered his question, didn't he? Couldn't he just leave him alone already?

"We all know that if she hadn't made it to the beam and launched the Crucible, we'd all be dead."

He couldn't hold in the burning bitterness anymore. Bitterness towards everyone that kept this secret away from him: Alex, Liara, Miranda. Bitterness towards anyone who pretended they understood how deception of this level could feel.

"But I still had a right to know!"

"No one is taking that from you," Nihlus responded calmly. "What I'm trying to get through to you is that we're all alive. By some miracle, she made it back alive with the baby, and you two found each other. Given all odds, this is the best-case scenario."

Damn it. He despised how right Nihlus was. And the fact he was doing it so nobly by not invalidating his feelings made Garrus hate him even more.

"I'm not playing sides here, but I can imagine Alex needs a break from everything riding on her shoulders. If I had been through what she has..." As if Garrus didn't know, Nihlus proceeded to list them all. "The death of both her parents. Akuze. Grueling Spectre training. Saren's wrath. The Reapers. Watching her incredibly handsome ex-boyfriend get murdered right in front of her." Really? Garrus scowled."Anderson's death. You don't think she doesn't feel remorse for destroying an entire race and a member of her crew?"

Nihlus paused, making sure he'd processed everything so far. Garrus matched his stare silently.

"She put her own life and the life of her unborn child on the line – trading it in for billions of others. Alex has been tasked with things that would've broken anyone else. She's been through enough. Be there for her recovery and be grateful that you can be a part of the child's life at all."

Garrus' chest felt like it was going to cave in from the heart-wrenching guilt. He knew all of this, but the way Nihlus reminded him of it was unbearable and eye-opening to how much of a prick he was right now.

"Having said all that, I do sympathize with your predicament. I'd be upset, too, if I spent months worrying myself sick trying to find my bond mate only to discover she didn't want to be found and kept the knowledge of a child away from me."

Nihlus was giving him whiplash. Was he here to make Garrus feel better or worse? Garrus didn't doubt Nihlus enjoyed how much of an emotional roller coaster he was putting him on.

"Is any of this actually supposed to be helpful?" Garrus questioned him, utterly exacerbated and drained.

"I don't know. Is it helping you?" Nihlus shrugged.

Garrus glared at him. "You're a nuisance. Why are you still here?"

"Because I care about Alex and what happens to her and the child. Alex is a survivor, that much we all know, but shouldn't have to do this all by herself. No matter how much she thinks she can. I'm helping her by helping you process this."

Garrus hated to admit, but he did feel a little more level-headed after this largely one-sided conversation with Nihlus. Hearing each perspective and all the details laid out of the circumstance cleared up the muddy and hectic thoughts.

"You're right," he finally said after a few moments of silence.

"I usually am."

He threw Nihlus an unamused look. Nihlus pushed himself off the wall implying their conversation was finally coming to an end.

"Well, gather your thoughts and come back when you're ready. Your bond mate and baby are waiting."

Garrus followed the distant, mirthful voices back to Alex's room. He paused outside the door, attempting to swallow the nervousness stuck in his throat, but it was impossible when his mouth was so dry. He hung around outside a couple of minutes before entering. Alex immediately noticed him.

"Hey," she acknowledged him softly.

Everyone's attention diverted towards him awkwardly standing at the doorway.

"Hey," he returned, rubbing the back of his neck. Garrus cleared his throat. "Can we have a moment alone?"

"Of course," Liara replied for them. "Here."

Liara parted a few tender words before delicately sliding the baby back into Alex's arms. Nihlus planted a couple of firm pats on Garrus' back as he brushed past. Everyone left the room, closing the door behind them, and their footsteps disappeared down the hall. Garrus quietly reclaimed the seat next to her bed, unsure how to start the conversation.

"I'm sorry," Alex spoke in a small voice. Her eyes were glassy, turning them into sparkling rubies, amplified by the dark circles underneath. Her cheeks were splotchy and colored pink. Holding Avel in one arm, Alex reached out towards him with the other. Her hand rested at the end of the bed, expectant and hopeful the gesture would be accepted. "I really fucking am."

Garrus wiped the couple of tears that escaped from the inner corners of her eyes with his thumb and then placed his hand over hers, grasping it tightly. The tension released from her body in waves and the corners of her mouth twitched upwards. Nihlus' earlier words replayed inside his head, reminded of the list of tragedies Alex had experienced in her life. She's suffered more than her fair share, and regardless of how he felt, Garrus resolved to protect her from any more.

Cooing dragged him out of his thoughts, and Garrus peered over to the infant turian watching him. It was strange having his own cool cobalt eyes staring back at him. Garrus noticed something stir in his stomach, like a profound tethering, much like he did when he met Alex.

"So I'm a father, huh?" Garrus croaked flatly, gaze still fixed on the bundle in Alex's arms.

"Well, don't make it sound like a prison sentence," she tried to say with jest, but Garrus sensed the pain behind it.

His eyes widened, and a hurried apology tumbled out his mouth. "Sorry. That's not how I meant to say it."

Alex granted him a smile, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "It's okay."

He stretched out his arm to caress Avel, but he squirmed under Garrus' touch. His chest tightened with a twinge of aching pain that his own son identified him as a stranger. "Why didn't you tell me?"

She shook her head and sighed, "I don't really have a good answer. Just a bunch of shit ones."

Alex took him on a trip of the numerous scenarios she'd considered at the time. What if she had gotten his hopes up and the test came back negative? What if she was positive but found out she couldn't carry a hybrid species and lost it? What if she had caused him to be distracted, and it got him killed on the battlefield? What if he tried to stop her from going down to the beam? What if Garrus had been chased away with the possibility of him being a father? When he argued they'd explicitly talked about the of joys having children, she countered that it was before they knew it was even fathomable, so it was just a pipe dream. She explained how it wasn't until she was on the Citadel talking to her dying father that she realized that she was, in fact, pregnant. A "mother's intuition," she said. He didn't like it, but he understood it. The pressure of an entire war riding on her shoulders on top of the news of a possible pregnancy must've thrown her for a loop. Garrus wasn't sure he would've done anything differently. As Nihlus reiterated to him, she defeated the Reapers and saved the galaxy. She and Avel survived.

It wasn't like Alex was sitting in Miranda's secret lab on vacation. She was in and out of a coma and undergoing extensive surgeries, all while pregnant. And her life after Avel was born didn't get any easier. Postpartum depression struck her in an awful way. A crippling mindset and a belly full of remorse paved the way for severe night terrors. They were so frequent Avel's crib had to be moved out of her room to avoid disturbing his sleep cycles. Garrus' heart sank when Alex told him she wouldn't have been able to forgive herself if she'd deprived Avel of sleep. It would've been another item on her list of regrets – right after not telling him about the possible pregnancy. Garrus comforted her as best he could, helping her overcome the choking sobs that would occasionally escape as she spoke. What they had to realize now was that the most important thing was that they were both here, now even if it caused them emotional distress.

Garrus toyed with the ends of the bandages on her hand, beginning to unwrap them gingerly. He snuck a peek of Alex's face as he continued to unravel her dressings and revealed more of her arm. Heat pooled in her cheeks, and discomfort was etched into every feature of her face.

"Spirits, Alex," he gasped, talons tracing over the ragged and inflamed trails of raised skin that ran parallel up and down her arm. Between the scars, her creamy skin was glossy, tight, and sunken. It was then that Garrus realized she covered her arms, not because she needed to protect any wounds, but because she wanted to hide.

Alex tried to pull her arm back, but he refused to let her take it. Garrus recalled that he, too, once felt insecure when half of his face was marred by a direct hit from a rocket. Yet Alex never gave an inclination that it bothered her or caused her to love him any less. Garrus understood now more than ever that their bond was an untouchable and unbreakable matter, far beyond the depths of just the physical.

He lifted her hand up to his mouth and planted a peck where the scars began on her fingers. He kissed his way up until he reached the crook of her neck, feeling her shiver under his touch. He nuzzled her cheeks and whispered in her ear, "I have a thing for women with scars."

She chuckled, and Garrus pressed his thumb under her chin so he could meet her heavenly soft lips in a long-awaited, passionate kiss. Warmth spread within him in a way he hadn't experience in what seemed like years. They were completely lost and caught up in each other, savoring a taste they'd long gone without. That is until a whine interjected the moment.

They tilted their heads down at Avel, who was seemingly pouting.

"I think he's jealous," Alex remarked with a brightened expression.

"You're going to have to learn to share," Garrus told him, attempting once again to brush Avel's face with a light touch of his knuckles. He didn't recoil this time. A surge of relief passed through Garrus.

"Can I hold him?"

Alex beamed and replied, "Of course."

She scooted over to make enough room in the bed for Garrus to slip in. Once he was settled, she passed Avel to him, whimpering as he left his mother's embrace but quelled when he fell into Garrus' warmth. The tiny ocean blue eyes started getting heavy, and his breathing slowed.

Garrus stole a sideways glance as she continued to watch their son drift away into a deep slumber. To think, he'd come close to losing her again. He would've lost his mind. They're a team. One could not exist without the other. There was no Vakarian without Shepard. No Shepard without Vakarian.

"I love you," he spoke faintly.

Alex had been waiting to hear the three words that confirmed the relationship between them was not lost. When she turned her head, it revealed the most radiant eyes he'd ever seen her wear. "I love you."

Their foreheads pressed against each other, snuggling with ardent affection and sharing the calm they sought out for years. No more wars. No more Saren. No more Reapers. No more lost time. Now it was just him and Alex and Avel.

"Parenthood looks good on you two."

Garrus begrudgingly pried his eyelids open, on the verge of falling asleep himself. Nihlus' smug face came into view, and Garrus groaned. He must've felt proud for being the one to give Garrus a push and leading them into this moment.

"Oh, Goddess! Look at you all – so precious!" Liara exclaimed with a hushed voice peering around Nihlus blocking the doorway.

Nihlus let Liara and Miranda pass around him, both glad to see the reconciliation.

"Now that we're all happy and back to normal," Miranda started, "We're dying to know."

Alex and Garrus exchanged looks, faces twisted with perplexion. He managed a slight shrug while trying not to wake Avel.

"Know what?" Alex asked.

Liara's lips stretched from ear to ear. "When's the wedding?"