CHAPTER 46 - I hate you
Edward's POV :
When she was able to get off the table…after she was stable and back to normal, I sat her down in a safe place, not any of the abandoned shit holes I used to torture her in, but outside, away from everyone else…in that meadow. We decided this would be our place to talk so no one else could hear us.
She seemed to want to pick up right where we left off before all the shit happened with Jane and Victoria. But that was insane.
"There…is a lot to say.", I began and her face fell, turning a bit pale.
"What ?", I asked her, concerned.
"Don't…", she took a breath, "Don't tell me it's over or something."
"Did I say that ?", I asked, a bit impatiently. Youth.
First, I explained to her that Jackie Nickles is not dead. I face timed her right there with Bella at my side. She was alive and well and said, "Oh. Hi Mr. Cullen, how are you ?"
She only remembered me as her strict gym teacher, not anything else, as I had wiped her memories of that before she left school.
"Jane and Victoria compelled Dr. Carlisle to believe you hurt her. They wanted to get you out of the way so they could get me. Even in all their revenge they wanted, they still had some humanity left…they didn't want another innocent girl harmed because of me, even if you tried to kill them to free me."
"You don't have to PROVE it to me.", she finally said something, "I believe you. I believed you back when she left."
"Well, I just want you to KNOW it.", I said, then I took a breath, adding, "Jane and Victoria…they weren't EVIL, you know. They were nice, normal women…before I came. I deserved everything they were giving me."
"A wise woman once said", Bella replied, "Revenge is no way to live."
Esme. Yes, she believed that.
"It is SO hard to resist it, though.", I admitted, "When I heard James' name…I felt it inside me. I WANTED to see him, to crush him. But I was more afraid…of what he would do to YOU. I'd rather have no revenge at all, than to see you in any danger or hurt."
"And…why didn't Dr. Carlisle or anyone remember you that day ?", she asked, "Were they compelled too ?"
"Yes.", I answered, finding it strange that this is the question she had for me, "Jane and Victoria compelled everyone to forget me. They planned on taking me with them, legless and armless, to be their personal little toy. It really was a fitting punishment for me, after everything I've done…"
"No.", Bella interrupted, "No one deserves that."
I smirked.
"Plenty of creatures deserve that.", I argued, "Especially me."
I gave her some time to let all this information register…we walked in silence…in our forests…but she never left me…she didn't scream at me or hit me…or tell me to go. It was maddening not knowing her thoughts as we slowly strolled through trees and brooks, only the chatter of squirrels and birds filling the void.
Later, we started to speak again.
I gave her every detail of my story with Jane and then Victoria. Part of me felt good bearing my soul and telling all this to someone…I truly DID trust her after all. But it was mostly an attempt to get her to open her eyes and SEE ME…for what I truly am. She would probably want to go home to Forks by morning. I would let her go. She deserved a better life than one with me.
Finally she broke her silence and said, "STOP !"
Uh oh. That was it. It was over now.
"That's who you WERE.", she said, defiantly, "You were sick, yes…I will grant you that. But you're not that anymore."
I exhaled.
"Bella-", I was about to argue this.
She argued but I cut in first.
"It wasn't a COLD I had that's gone now !", my eyes raged as I looked at her, "I don't get to be excused for what I've done!"
The birds themselves fly away from us, not liking the noise.
"I know.", she whispered, as if the word were wicked themselves, "I hate what you've done…I know ! But what can I do ? It doesn't change anything, the way I feel about you…it's still there. I'm chained to you…in every way."
"No.", I hurt just to hear the words she was saying, "I can transfer you back home tomorrow. You should go, Bella…forgive your father…be safe. Get far away from me. In time, your feelings will change…you'll see…"
"Stop.", she almost shouted, "It's no use, Edward. It's too late. I'm always going to love you."
"I know it feels that way to you…but….", I began.
"I'm not going anywhere.", she said, firm as concrete, her eyes hard as she looked at me, "You're not going to change my mind, no matter what you say, no matter what you do. We will just have to deal with this the best way we can."
We had this argument for about a week.
Finally, I gave up and realized that if she was willing to be sucked dry by me then maybe she really does love me. I didn't want her to…but I was fucking grateful that she still did.
I told her about my inner demon and she felt very justified then that her theory was correct…the devil made me do it. That was too easy and convenient an excuse and I couldn't let her think that I was out of control, under some spell or something. That wasn't it. I chose to do the things I did…out of anger, rage, revenge, psychosis, dementia, or whatever…the demon led me in directions…but I chose to take the steps and walk inside. It was just as much me as it was him.
I told her how the demon thing inside me seemed to be absent now…after I drank all that blood of hers. She was happy about that. She told me that those symbols in my eyes spoke to her somehow…and told her that her blood was my medicine…and that I needed it…now. She thought that meant it would heal my stab wounds…but it meant so much more. My head felt clear now…my heart lighter in some way…I wasn't completely unburdened…I had a lot of bodies to drag behind me in my past…they would never leave me…the people I've hurt…and murdered…that was mine to carry forever…but I wasn't consumed with anger or pain anymore. I felt it…but it didn't OWN me anymore like before.
Destroying Jane and Victoria was not something I was proud of. They were twisted and fucked, yes, but that was my fault. They were good women when I found them. They would've led normal lives if not for me. I sold them to James, not knowing it…he was still somewhere out there…fucking with me…not directly…but he killed Jane and Victoria, knowing they would come after me for their revenge. Playing it smart, not showing himself yet. But still, wanting me to suffer…again…coming back for round two. Hiding in the shadows, letting others do his dirty work, seeing how strong I was now, learning about me, finding my weaknesses. Finding Bella.
I didn't tell Bella this but it was unfathomable that James was in the same universe as my Bella. He knew about her now. She was in grave fucking danger. Every girl in this school was.
I knew in my heart I would have to leave here, leave her…and go find James myself…before he could find US here. He would kill every girl in this school just to replay the Saloon murders that began my nightmare. And Bella would be saved for last, like Esme. I couldn't allow even the IDEA of that to live at the same time as she did.
Or, maybe he would NEVER come. It had been 265 years since I last saw James. What makes me think he even gives a damn about me anymore ? We might never see him.
And that witch crap…Victoria had. She HAD made me vulnerable. It was gone now…I was better than ever…but I'm sure James knew how to cast that spell too. Who knows what powers he has now ? I knew nothing about what he'd become after all these years. And I'm sure he didn't know much about me either, which is why he was waiting to make his move…but right now, Bella was like bait…just waiting for him to show up and take her. I should get her as far away from me right this minute…for her own safety…but I just couldn't do it. My selfishness…was still alive and well and intact inside my heart.
I suspected from the start that Bella had something special going on within her. The mind I couldn't read…of course…but there's more. I can't make myself leave her…or make her leave me. I can't resist her…not just her body…which I can never say no to…but HER. If she wants me, even if I think she's insane to want me, I can't say no. It's more than just my love for her. It's intense. If she were a vampire, I'd bet that would be a power of hers…to seduce any one she wanted, to just be able to look at them and have them want her so badly that they'd walk through fire to have her. I've met a couple of them before…and they were fun for me…but for a mortal man, the power would be devastating. I've seen mortals crawl through fire to please the vampire who had that power.
It's weird that a human girl could have even a tenth of that power over ME. But I wasn't complaining.
Or maybe it has more to do with her blood. It seems now that her blood and my body sing to each other, somehow. It's like we were one creature a long time ago, and we were separated…and now we were back together again. It just always felt like that…so right…so…out of our control. Even now as I told her all about my past, while she should be running, she just knows that she can't leave me, even if she wanted to. I felt sorry for her, that she's stuck with me. She deserves so much better.
That's another thing – Bella's blood. It doesn't hurt me now to taste it…to drink it. Maybe it's because now the demon inside me is gone. Maybe it's HIM who was hurting when the blood went into my body. Or Jane and Victoria did something to her or cast some spell over her to make her blood hurt me. But no, that can't be. They didn't know Bella's blood was bad. Jane tasted it. OR – maybe Victoria knew Bella's blood was bad, SHE was the witch…if SHE poisoned Bella's blood…then let Jane be the only one to drink it…maybe she was tired of Jane and wanted her out of her way so she could have me all to herself. That's also a possibility.
Or maybe after my blood leaked out of my body…and hers replaced it…maybe she was really the one to give ME the good transfusion. My blood was mostly gone from my body…and if her blood didn't like mine…well that wasn't a problem anymore then. I kept myself crazy all night while Bella slept considering all this. In the end, did it really matter, the reason ? I told myself it all worked out as it was supposed to…Bella was alive…that's the only outcome I cared about.
We also talked over everything that happened in the old hospital that terrible day. She assured me that everything she said to me was a lie to trick Jane and Victoria…and I believed her. But still, she gave me several heart attacks that night.
I really thought she was revolted by me, hating me, the way she yelled and banged on the cage…that's what she SHOULD do to me now ! But she just smiled and said she learned those tricks from the Vampire Diaries and Xena episodes. Can you believe it ?
"The enemy of my enemy is my friend.", she quoted smartly, "Switching sides is a classic move, too. Xena and Callisto style. And getting captured on purpose to get brought to the jail…child's play."
"So much for you obeying me if I was ever in trouble.", I muttered, knowing she wouldn't have listened to me. It made me quiver inside imagining if it was James there with me and she tried any of that shit.
"Next time,", I said as if there would be one, "When I say she's nothing to me…I don't care if you hurt her…that's YOUR cue to LEAVE."
"I was GOING to !", she argued back, "But then Victoria hurt you…I lost it."
"Yes, you did.", I answered flatly, "It was only my tongue and a little clamp."
"I don't care.", she shivered, remembering it, "I hated them hurting you…what they did to you…I wished I could tear their heads off myself."
I smirked, imagining that.
"You have to change me.", she stopped and announced.
"Did you soil yourself ?", I asked her, frowning.
"No, stupid.", she rolled her eyes, "Change me…into a vampire."
I flinched as if she'd struck me in the face.
"Absolutely not.", I responded without even considering it.
"Why not ?", she asked, following me quicker as my pace increased a bit.
"Because I don't do that.", I simply put it.
"Why not ?", she kept asking.
"You know what James did to me. After everything else I've done, every line I've crossed, that's one that I never want to do to anyone else, ever.", I informed her, "I won't. Not to my worst enemy, and especially not to YOU."
"How is this going to work, then ?", she asked me.
I looked at her, stopping in my place. Was she coming to her senses finally ?
"I will keep getting older…and you won't…", she slowly realized it right at this moment as she was standing here, it seemed.
"Eventually, I'll get old.", she looked at the grass, then to me, "And you'll still be…young. And then…I'll die."
"See how fun our relationship is going to be ?", I asked her snidely.
"You're going to let that happen to me ?", she asked, her eyes afraid now.
"God, no.", I scoffed, "I'll just kill you now and turn you into a blood sucking demon like me…and then everything will be GREAT ! Hey, we can kill people together !"
We argued about this one…A LOT. She would eventually stop arguing with me over it…my arguments were better than hers. But it would come up now and then. She would not let it go.
"What about if James shows up?", she once asked me, my body went numb at the sound of her saying it.
"Do you want me to be human then ?", she asked me.
I swallowed.
"Don't say that again.", I told her, my voice more lethal than I wanted it to sound.
"You will not become a vampire because a murderer is coming to get you.", I later told her, "That's playing right into his hands. He will NOT take your life, his way or this way. I won't allow it."
I was full of shit. I couldn't protect her from Jane and Victoria, what the fuck makes me think I can save her from James ?
On another topic, I asked her about that moment when Victoria compelled her to forget all about me.
"Yea, that's right !", Bella slapped my chest, "Don't you EVER do that to me again !"
"What ?", I feigned ignorance.
"You LET her do that to me!", Bella accused, "You ordered me to be silent and LET her take you away from me ! How could you DO that ?!"
"Because I love you, you crazy girl.", I informed, "If I could compel you to forget me, I'd have done it myself, long ago."
"Good thing you can't.", she looked at me with a whiff of superiority.
"Good thing.", I agreed sarcastically.
Summer finally came and most of the school cleared out to go home to Mommy and Daddy. It was nice, having mostly everyone at the school gone. It seemed only Bella and I remained…arguing in the center of the gym, arguing in her dorm room that was now empty, arguing everywhere we went.
Well, it wasn't ALL arguing.
Strangely, she was super aroused when I drank her blood….so was I. I was in full control of myself, since I had the nightmare of almost losing her once before. I kissed and licked the vein as if I were in church, worshipping some crucifix, and she was writhing and moaning and her legs spread so far apart…wanting me, inviting me in. I nipped the skin expertly, only making her give a little moan…and I drank. It was the most earth shattering moment of my existence. Every drop seemed to make me better and better.
But I didn't hurt her…whip her or make her cry. I didn't even want to. That was weird for me. I thought she would be upset about that…but she didn't seem to be.
What was really nice was, even after her transfusion, the first thing she wanted was to hold me. Tight. And for a long, long time. She sniffled and cried a little, and I let her hold me all she wanted. I held her too, not as tightly, but still, it was wonderful. Something seemed to hum inside both of us when we were close like this…just clinging to each other, glad to still have the person in our arms.
We hugged now all the time…and cuddled. I always thought it was a womanly thing but no, I loved having her laying here in my arms, next to me, on top of me, as she slept. I would close my eyes most of the time and pretend I could sleep, too. It was so silent and without any inner voice from my old demon friend, it was so fucking peaceful…like when Esme used to hold me as a boy…only…more.
I was truly happy for the first time since I lost my human life.
Some nights, after Bella was deep into her rem sleep, I would just trace my fingers over her hair, every little strand dazzling me…her eyebrows…her cute little nose…her pouty lips…I sighed, glad to be caught in her little web.
Then the realization would dawn on me. If James ever touched her, ever even got CLOSE to her…I would lose what little of my mind I had left. I knew in my heart I had to find him first and destroy him. But again, I couldn't leave her. Leaving would leave the school exposed. It would be just like him to show up then. I have to stay here…and prepare…and wait. But I need to make a plan…a way for Bella to get away from here if he ever DOES show his face here. Maybe I would need to make some vampire friends…allies.
One other thing I decided to do was – not only to free my 316 slaves…but I transferred them to another one of our schools a few states away. I got on the computer and made up some story about the school being restructured, renovated. Then I worked on acquiring 316 new students to take their places. I reached out to girls who were in REAL need of help. I even paid their tuitions myself if they didn't have the means to afford it. This would give Dr. Carlisle something to do besides harass my girl. And, I had to admit, while I could never wipe out anything I've done, it was nice to do something good.
Bella was very impressed by this idea and I got some very nice love that night. I felt bad being rewarded for doing my good deed, but who was I to argue with Miss Swan ?
I was still teaching her archery, and she was excellent at it…but she could only get better with practice. I still shuddered, thinking of her shooting at vampires. She swore not to try that again.
We loved being in the pool, too…and the dogs swam with us…we rode horses…I taught her more about riding…it was so great, this summer. We didn't have to hide…for now anyway. It was heaven.
I'm so glad we didn't die. I was so glad not be a mutilated object, owned by Jane and Victoria. This life with Bella…was something I never earned. But I'll take it. If my Hell comes later, so be it…but I would not waste one moment with my Bella.
I think she saw that I was a little different, too. She didn't seem nervous or afraid of me like she sometimes would. She didn't have to feel sad that I was with other girls…she didn't have to worry about me hurting her or going too far, doing something she wasn't ready for. She didn't have to have sexual contact with other girls to please me.
She would ask me how I would feed now. I just told her, I have it covered. And I did. I just didn't want to tell her that I would go three towns away to the nearest prison to feed on four or five different people there. I would do it while they slept, and I wouldn't take much from each of them. When they woke, they'd never even know I'd been there. It wasn't a great plan…but it was the best I could come up with for now.
And yes, I went to the men's prison, as tempting as it was to visit the women's prison. I wanted to keep my promise to Bella. No other women really interested me anyway anymore. Drinking male blood might make me a bit more masculine in my look, I hoped. I always looked too pretty for my own taste, too young…too feminine. Bella said I was crazy to think that but that's what I always thought since I was turned.
Maybe I'd grow some stubble or a little goatee. One could dream.
My eyes stayed gold. The shade changed a lot…but always gold. I didn't understand it but I was doing some research on it with my vampire acquaintances from the past. Only when I once let myself go without blood for a few days my eyes started to look a little black. But as soon as I fed, they were gold again. It wasn't a bad look. It was growing on me.
When Bella finally came to my house, I was nervous. I knew she would like it. It was very nice, modern design, overlooking the water. A nice sunset out there every night. The dogs were thrilled to hang out here all together. But it was the little things I worried about her seeing.
My drawings of Esme, Emma, Rebecca, Kitty, Amy and Joanna were there in my bedroom. I would not move it or hide it because she was coming over. To my surprise, she loved them.
She said, "They're so beautiful."
"Yes, they are.", I agreed, looking at their faces, pointing each one out, "That's Esme…and this is Emma…Rebecca, Kitty…Joanna…and Amy."
In my head, I heard myself telling all of them, "This is my Bella."
"You drew this ?", she asked, it was a very large drawing, all their faces smiling back at us, as if they were pleased to meet Bella as well.
I nodded.
"It's not as great as it could be.", I said, a little ashamed of my artistic skills, "Art is not my best subject."
"Shut up, it's amazing.", she looked closer, really liking it.
"I'd love to hear more about them sometime.", she said, always so willing for me to open up to her about my life…she always wanted to help.
"Definitely.", I agreed, "Not tonight, though."
"Okay.", she grinned at me as I took her hand, kissing it. By the hand, I took her and spun her in a little dance as I brought her to my bed and we flopped into it "accidentally".
We laughed and she looked around us.
"Wow…how big is this bed ?", she asked, "Is this a King ?"
"Bigger.", I smiled wickedly, moving closer to her, moving her hair away from her eyes as I kissed her lips.
She stopped the kiss after a minute or so and asked, "I thought you were making me dinner."
I smiled more, kissing her again. She didn't resist.
"You'll eat when I say you eat.", I informed, raising my brows and taking her lips again.
She sounded very turned on by that statement…her little whimpers falling silent in my mouth.
"See…nothing's changed…", I added, rolling her onto her back, inhaling her scent…dizzy by it…and moving her face to expose her fragile white neck.
I devoured her neck with my lips and mouth, her voice instantly giving that moan that tells me yes…I put my hand over her mouth as I kept licking and sucking the very hot flesh there.
"Ohh myyy Goooddddd", she panted under my hand as I continued, taking a small bite that didn't break skin.
The orange glow from the sunset was filling the room and it was gorgeous as I bit the string at her shoulder that held her dress on. I pulled it and it came undone. Then I dove back into her shoulder, giving it all my attention next. She screamed out, feeling my arms around her…protecting her…loving her…nothing on earth could get to her now…except me. I was the lucky one. The only one allowed in.
I never got to have this, while a girl was tied up in front of me. I would punish the appropriate areas…but small touches…kisses…on every little inch of her…these were all the places that turned her on so much when I breathed on them…brushed the backs of my fingers across them…tickled other spots.
I loved her laugh when I would tickle her. This little girl laugh that was unrestrained, boisterous.
But, sadly, September approached too soon. But by the time it had come, Bella and I were closer than ever. I could truly say now that she is my very best friend. Best love…best everything. We had talked about every single thing I could think of during the summer. Sometimes just laying there, floating in the lake, looking up at the moon, we told every one of our stories to each other…nothing was secret…nothing was held back.
She saw my hideous face, the mask off, and she didn't turn away.
This was love. True love. And I was helplessly trapped within its fist.
Bella's POV:
A lot of things changed after that. Some of them…great. Edward…not Master anymore… …Edward said that I was no longer 317.
"There are no other girls now.", Edward told me, his topaz eyes gleaming as we walked through the forest together, "I've set them all free."
He was so handsome as he said those words, so proud of that…I couldn't do anything but smile.
"Except for me.", I put my arms around him, looking up at his sweet face.
"Except for you.", he agreed, smiling down at me, kissing my lips.
"I still want to call you Master.", I told him as we walked, hand in hand, and that was something new too…I loved it. Until now, I never thought about it…but he had never held my hand…like this.
"I still want to be your slave…and be trained by you.", I informed him.
He smiled at me, this very sensual smile.
"I'm glad to hear that.", he said, "But it will be a bit different now. If that's alright."
"Like how ?", I asked, worried.
"We will choose a safeword.", he informed, "And we will do it right. You're the submissive but you have all the power. You'll see. I'll teach you. It will be even better than before, I promise."
I was glad that he wanted to keep our games going. I was nervous for a minute that he didn't want to do it at all anymore. If that all changed or ended, my heart would be broken.
"And…", he looked down, "I would like you to come to my house tonight. I will make you a nice dinner. Everything you like."
Hmm…I like the sound of this.
"Really ?", I beamed.
"Really.", he replied, watching Rage and Fury walking with Tank in between them, ahead of us.
"You trust me ?", I asked.
"Bella, you almost died trying to save my life. I think you're in the circle of trust now. Circle…it's just you."
I felt little tears come to my eyes. This was wonderful.
"And…", he further stated, "After that, I would like to take you on a REAL date. A restaurant, a play…a concert…"
"Oh my God.", I felt a chill. I didn't realize it that we'd never really done that either.
"Just one ?", I teased, laughing and play hitting his shoulder.
"More than one…brat…", he glanced at me, "If you want to…and for…as long as you want me."
He still thinks that I'm going to change my mind about him. That after hearing all his horror stories, I will want to run and never look back.
I know what he's done is unforgiveable…monstrous…I can't even begin to defend him or explain it. I don't love it that he's done what he's done.
But I can't change the past. And I can't leave him. I love him. If he's fucked up, then so am I. And if he's going to Hell, I'll be going with him.
I've killed before. If he can't be forgiven, then neither can I.
But he was sick then. He's not sick anymore. I know that it doesn't erase what he's done. But for him to be alone forever now that he's cured…just seems…wrong. Maybe my blood is someone's way of saying that he deserves another chance. A clean slate. A cure.
I hear myself thinking this and half of me stands up and screams, "Are you CRAZY ?!"
Maybe I am.
But still, I love him. I can't imagine being without him.
And now, he's free of whatever shit was in him before. After how he died, what he suffered, and after 265 years, who wouldn't go insane ? It's a miracle that he's as balanced as he is. He has degrees in everything, he knows so much…he's so talented in every way…
The drawings he made of the women he knew in his human life…they are so beautiful they almost look alive, as if they're breathing. And he shyly says art is not his best subject. His music is different now, too. It's not that sinister, haunted sound he used to have. It's light and complex…and stunning. As if he is just seeing the world for the first time all over again. Only this time he has someone who loves him at his side.
I know he worries about James. All his vampire life, he's worried about him. But now that I'm here, he worries more. When it was just him, it wasn't much of a burden to carry. It was almost a relief to him, thinking that he'd be put out of his misery. But now I am his weak spot. I hate that.
I thought one night, of course ! I could be a vampire too. Then I'd be able to fight James at his side. But Edward would not even consider it. I knew why and I loved him for it. He wants me to have my life, to have the life he was denied. I understand that. But my life is with him now. I was so afraid that James would separate us. I had the nightmares all the time.
I was afraid of what our sex life would be, now that he had lost that pain that drove him to punish and inflict physical damage to his slaves. I wondered if he would find me boring now…or worse, what if I found HIM boring…although that was hard to imagine. I really never felt more alive then when he was training me, teaching me to be more…to reach for more from myself. To endure more.
I hoped that part of him would stay alive, that part that kept pushing me to learn, to grow, to expand my horizons. I don't think him whipping me made all that happen. I would wait and see when school began again if Mr. Cullen would still be in my life. I hoped so.
If Mr. Cullen suddenly complimented me and acted all sweet to me in gym class, I just knew I'd burst out crying. As sick as it is, I liked mean Mr. Cullen and his quick jabs at my performance in class.
The entire summer, we talked out every single thing he thought was important after that evil incident occurred. I really saw him let go and open the doors wide into his soul, showing me everything, even the darkest parts of himself.
It was really difficult sometimes to sit there and look at him as he told his stories. But I had no choice but to listen. I didn't want to play the Judge, Jury, or Executioner. I just wanted to be there for him. I kept telling him that but he looked at me like I had a mental problem.
"On the first day of school", I bargained, "We will meet for the very first time. We will start over. Agreed ?"
His golden eyes looked like a tiger's as he peered up at me from under his eyelids. He looked so timid at the moment. It was nice.
"How are we going to do that ?", he grumbled.
"Agreed ?", I repeated, holding my hand out to him, to shake on it.
His tense mouth suddenly weakened a bit and the corners of his mouth got those cute little dimples as he smiled at me.
"Agreed.", he put his cold hand into mine, sealing the deal.
"You'll still be mean to me in gym class, won't you ?", I asked, hoping.
He looked at me, confused.
"You WANT that ?", he grinned at me.
"If I suck, which I will, " I rolled my eyes up as he chuckled, "Then…yes. If I do a good job, then…you can pass me a little compliment…but not too much."
"I would have before.", he shrugged, "I just never got that chance."
"I hate you.", I tapped him on the head as he ducked, moving away from me.
He wouldn't talk about what Jane and Victoria did to him while I was sedated in my little padded room. I didn't push him on that. I sensed it was brutal and a big part of me really didn't WANT to know. It really killed me, though, that I didn't get there sooner to help him.
I didn't blame Dr. Carlisle…he was compelled. It was funny the first day back in school after my transfusion. Dr. Carlisle came into gym to give something to Mr. Cullen. Dr. Carlisle seemed perfectly normal now, as if that whole day never happened.
"Oh, now you know me ?", he seethed at the good doctor, with a new reason to despise him now, as he snatched the paper from Dr. Carlisle's fingers.
It was always something to see, these two in the same room. It was like they were both opposite sides on a coin.
When I asked Edward why he hated Dr. Carlisle so much, he said, "It goes way back. A few times, he thought he had me…thought he figured me out…but then I would make my move and he'd be right back at zero again. I guess I don't blame him for caring about the girls, but, he thinks he's better than me. He thinks he's going to force me out of this school. He's wrong."
A few times, Edward would ask me if I thought he was boring now. Our sex life was anything but boring. We still played amazing games…he still tied me up…but he didn't go out of his way to hurt me. Now he gave me nothing but pleasure.
He set up a safeword for us…VOLLEYBALL. I hated that. But he found it entertaining. Now if something wasn't right or if just needed to talk to him about something we were doing, I would say volleyball and everything would stop until we discussed it. So far I hadn't had to say the word yet. He was being very good with me since that day. But the want was still there…the fire…the excitement.
It made me laugh…remembering Edward making me promise that my next man would be a boring, good man. I promised…and I guess I was keeping that promise now only he was the next man. But I never found him boring at all. He was sweeter now, considerate…affectionate, loving, open. He didn't seem to even look at other girls, even before school ended for the year. I felt good about that…but wondered if he would keep feeling this way all the time from now on.
He always said in every story, he got bored, he got tired of this girl or that girl…what's to keep him from getting bored with ME ? I'm not interesting or smart or athletic. I'm just…normal. A bit bratty at times but…isn't every teenage girl ?
I wanted to tell him that we could go to some of the abandoned places in the school again…that it was alright with me. I missed being in a cage. But I didn't want to push him too soon. It had to be his decision. I would wait.
And the wait wasn't awful. We had some wonderful times over the summer. The whole school was practically ours. Once in awhile, there would be a caretaker or janitor…but Edward easily avoided them and let them do their work.
I finally got to see his house. It was the most beautiful house I'd ever seen. A lake right outside his bedroom balcony, with the most lovely sunsets and sunrises that were nearly as gorgeous as Edward's new eyes. I loved the colors they made now. And I loved thinking that my blood had something to do with that. Maybe my blood was good for him after all. I hoped so. I worried that he would be weaker now, now that his pain and anger was less. I didn't have to heart to say this to him, though. I worried what James could do to him if he DID come here. I did think about my own fate, too, but I was more concerned about HIM.
Edward had gotten his hands on the "weapon" that Dr. Carlisle had with the blood on it. He tested it and found it was animal blood.
"Jane.", he sneered, tossing the steak knife into the fireplace.
I really loved being at Edward's house. It wasn't far from the school and it was nice being somewhere that we didn't have to hide our relationship. We could order food and I could go to the door to answer it, I could walk the dogs with him, go into town with him, shopping…we went on dates. Dates where I dressed up and wore jewelry and he wore a nice suit. I loved going with him to concerts. He looked so happy and at peace when he heard great music. I even got him to go to a concert of MINE…Halsey ! He wasn't that old that he couldn't enjoy THAT either. He loved it ! He looked like any other 17 year old in the crowd that night…dancing and wearing a concert t shirt of hers, jeans too.
I even got him to take me to get a tattoo. I always wanted one but was still not old enough to do it. He showed his license to the tattoo artist and they let me do it.
I wanted his name on the back of my shoulder. He didn't think that was a good idea…the school always checked us at random times for cuts and self inflicted wounds. In the end, he suggested I just have the roman numerals for SIX tattooed there. VI. And the lettering was very wicked and cool looking.
It was his idea…and it didn't bother him now…so that's what I got. I loved it. I felt like it was his brand on me…I was his. It was written in my skin now.
He also got a tattoo. On the back of his shoulder, like mine, he got a 317 with a little black swan around it. I loved that too. I would always be his 317. No matter what he said.
The summer began to get less hot…cooler temperatures began to make us sad that our quiet but important summer was coming to an end…and that other people would again be intruding into our little bubble. I would be a senior now. My last year.
"What's going to happen after the year is over ?", I asked him.
"We'll figure it out.", he assured me, "Don't worry."
I got a little suspicious that he thought we'd be over by the time school was over next year. But I didn't accuse him of anything. He would NOT be getting rid of ME.
Edward was feeding somewhere else now. He wouldn't say where. But he said he wasn't killing anyone…he wasn't feeding on women…and he wasn't even hurting or scaring anyone. I was glad but it drove me crazy wondering what he was doing. I wasn't jealous…I trusted him. But I hated not knowing things.
The best nights and days with Edward, for me, during the summer were the ones where we were at the lake by his house…naked all day…swimming…eating…(well, I ate)…laying in the sun together, talking until the sun went down…I felt like we were Adam and Eve sometimes…no one else in the whole world but us. Sometimes we just laid there, wet, staring at each other's faces…studying each other without words. This was the closest I had ever been…to anyone…even my Mom.
Edward taught me more sign language…and while I was still a beginner, I could talk back and forth with him, just signing. He said I was doing very well. It was nice having him teach me things again. I loved it. And I wanted to be a better friend to Alexis this year. I really liked her. And X…and my new friends from my new house. I would try to take down my walls and let them in more. As much as I hated to admit it, I wanted to have some friends. Not a million…a few was enough for me. Edward was glad I found some good ones. Even if they didn't like him much.
The first day of school was tomorrow. I was excited but also sad that Edward and I would go back to being teacher and student when the sun rose.
"It's only one year.", he kissed me, "And not even…9 months."
"I know.", I pouted a little, "I just had the best summer of my life."
"Me too.", he answered, holding me tight, closing his eyes as he didn't let go for awhile.
Then his lips kissed my forehead and he said, "We still have today."
"I just want to lay here a minute and look at you.", he stretched out his arms…as if he had all the power in the world in his veins, "Fuck, I'm so happy. Are you happy, Bella ?"
I nodded without any hesitation, loving him even more than I did ten minutes ago.
I AM happy…more happy than I've ever been. I couldn't imagine it being any better than this. What made me even more thrilled was that Edward said he was HAPPY. He had never said that before. And his voice…he truly meant it. I wanted to cry from the joy I felt at hearing that.
Weeks ago, I remember Edward had asked me that question.
"It will almost be a year since that night…", he said as we laid there, looking up at the moon.
"That night…that you wanted to die.", he reminded.
I thought of that night…it was mostly a blur to me. But to a vampire, I was sure every detail was crystal clear. I just remember being in so much pain then. Losing my mother was worse than losing an arm…and it still is. And my father sending me away…also devastated me.
But looking at it now from his point of view, I was asking for it. I did anything I could to disobey him, scare him, defy him, hate him. Now I know he was doing it to save me because he couldn't. I felt bad that I made him feel that way. I was still angry with him for how he was with my Mom, but…I have a relationship now. I see that sometimes not everything is black and white…good or evil. And with relationships, only the two people in it really knew what was going on. Me, being the kid in between them, probably didn't know the whole story.
Damn. Last year I would've never thought this way. I would've been angry and vicious…but now, somehow, I feel remorseful and understanding. What did this vampire do to me ? I thought he would make me darker…but in fact, he brought me to the light.
"I…", I took a cleansing breath, "I don't want that anymore. Obviously."
"Obviously.", he smirked, repeating my word.
"Why obviously ?", he asked a moment later.
"Well, I LOVE you.", I almost added DUH to that sentence.
"So…you're just living for me now ?", he asked, knowing better.
"Well, no.", I blushed a little, feeling it in my cheeks, "I love this school. I have some cool friends now. I love my Mom and I always will…but she'd want me to stay. She'd be so mad at me if I killed myself just to go with her. Then…there's you."
He gave me this amazing smile that almost made my mouth drop open.
"You've changed me so much…", I felt tears come to my eyes, "You've taught me so much…you've cared so much…I still don't know why…"
My thoughts were all over the place and it wasn't coming out of my mouth right. He sensed this and smiled more, deciding to put me out of my agony.
"I understand.", he glanced down, probably repressing the urge to again tell me what a monster he was when he first met me and what evil ideas he had when he took me into his fold. I had already heard the tale many, many times.
"It's who you are NOW that I care about.", I told him, "Well, I cared about you even back then, too…fuck I don't know how to say it."
He laughed, not AT me…but with me.
"And you want to be a writer.", he teased.
"And there's that word again - fuck.", he raised a brow, "How am I going to get it out of your mouth ?"
"I guess since you, it's just there all the time…", I grinned, not ashamed of myself, "It IS my favorite activity."
"Is it ?", he looked amused to hear me talk this way, "I thought it was volleyball."
I made a face and he laughed again.
I thought about something for a minute and asked, "You said you would've helped me…die…if I still wanted to…"
"Yes.", his face turned serious, his eyes meaning it.
"Would you still now, if I wanted it ?", I asked.
"Yes.", he said solemnly, not hesitating.
"Wow. Thanks.", I tapped him playfully.
His brow furrowed and he explained.
"If you were that unhappy in this world…", he began, "I would give you that release. I understand what it means to hate this world and be trapped in it. I wouldn't do that to you…even if it hurt ME."
He paused then spoke again.
"I would try and talk you out of it…now…", he further explained, "Where we are now…I would definitely make sure you really WANTED to die. And if you did, how COULD I keep you here ? You would try it in a way that would cause you pain…and I don't want that for you. If you die, I want it to be peaceful…and with your hand in mine."
I nearly burst out crying like a baby. This man is so magnificent, I couldn't believe he was mine.
"I love you.", I threw my arms around him and I felt his hands on my back, smoothing my hair.
"I love you too, crazy girl.", he sounded like he was smiling, "Don't cry."
"I'm not.", I wiped my eyes.
"You are.", he knew without even looking.
"How would you do it ?", I asked him suddenly, looking at his face.
"There are certain drugs.", he looked down, almost apologetically, "That would make you feel sleepy…and good…and you would just…fall asleep. I would do it that way."
I nodded.
"I guess I already knew that, Doctor.", I teased him.
"What'd you think I was going to say ?", he teased back, "I'd slice your wrists open and watch you bleed ?"
The look on his face was classic and I giggled at that. He looked more confused by me now.
That was weeks ago…now tomorrow was the first day of school. I almost wanted to whine from the pain of it all. This was the best summer of my life and I never wanted it to end.
"It never will.", he promised, kissing my lips that night before he walked me to my school house.
"Don't forget…tomorrow you'll see Mr. Cullen again.", he grinned wickedly, "Be prepared."
"I hate that guy.", I lied, making him laugh boisterously. His laugh was perfect.
"He's not very fond of you either.", he responded, making ME laugh now, "He's probably having a few drinks tonight to prepare."
"Well at least now I know some volleyball.", I said and he burst out laughing even harder than before.
"What ?", I watched as he doubled over, his eyes clenching in hilarity.
I slapped his back and he laughed even more.
"I hate you.", I seethed, my smile peeking out…I couldn't be mad at him when he was so adorable.
"I hate you more.", he stopped laughing and took my face into his cold hands…and he leaned in for one more kiss before we returned to our public roles.
His lips were so strong and so intense…as they took mine…I just opened and closed my lips…tasting the most wonderful thing I'd ever know…I loved the sounds of our mouths touching each other…the breathing of the man deepening as his fingers weaved through my hair, gripping a bit tighter. My body wanted him…every time he touched me, every time he smiled, every time he looked at me…every time he blinked…would I ever grow tired of him…or this ? Never.
Before I knew it, he was moving back, away from me. How long had we been here ? A minute ? An hour ? A month ?
Then he smiled at me and a second later, his face turned into Mr. Cullen, gym teacher's expression, exactly the way it looked when he first saw me in the gym that first day.
"Can I help you ?" he smirked at me, folding his arms, making his eyebrow rise up a bit on the right.
The first thing he ever said to me. I get it. We were about to start all over again, and do it right this time.
"Yea.", I giggled, trying to look serious, "Um, I never got any gym uniforms."
He paused, giving me that amazing crooked smile I always nearly fainted for.
"And?", he squinted his eyes a little, slowly walking backwards in the woods, facing me as I strolled towards him.
"Well, do you have any ?", I asked him, as he slowly came towards me, his golden eyes sparkling.
"Do I look like I have any?", he slowly moved his hands over the sides of my hair and placed a small kiss to my lips.
I paused, trying to remember my next line. My heart was going a little crazy there for a moment.
"Well…where can I get some ?" I asked, grabbing his magnificent hair and placing a deeper kiss on those lush, dark pink lips of his. He tasted even BETTER to me now, if that was possible.
"One can go many places to get many things.", he moved his nose down the side of mine, then kissed me again, "I have no idea. I got my clothes today without your help I suggest you do the same."
Then his mouth was on my neck and my eyes rolled into the back of my head.
Before we got too carried away, we walked closer to my house, and got to the spot where we would have to say goodnight to each other.
He placed something small into my hand, smiling with a little dark glee in his eyes.
It was something with a black bow around it…
"What's this ?", I blushed, "A present ? Aww, you're so sweet."
He shrugged and looked up into the night sky, innocently, accepting my compliment.
It looked like a small book. A book of poetry, maybe ? Or some love story ?
I pulled the ribbon and it unraveled…showing me the Basics of Volleyball…that same one he read to me last year as I suffered on the wall. You FUCK !
His face looked like it was about to explode in hysterics.
"I hate YOU !", I screamed and chased him with the book, slapping it against his back and trying to hit him in the ass with it as he darted away from me, laughing with his perfect, musical voice.
"Miss Swan, we really should discuss your running.", he teased, evading me, "Your legs are going in two different directions !"
"Hold still, you bratty little vamp !", I kept trying to catch him.
Like a couple of kids, we were playing. The summer was over. Tomorrow was the beginning of a new year, a new chapter for us. I was glad to be kids tonight. Our tomorrows would hold very adult things, decisions, plans…changes and compromises. It would not be easy at all…but I would be in it every day, 100 percent. I knew he would, too.
Goodbye, summer. You were wonderful.
THE END !
Thanks to all of you who liked this story and stuck with me ! I am already working on the next sequel to this so we'll see how it comes out !
Let me know how you liked the ending ! Love you guys !
~Winndsinger