i know it's short but i am back. or at least trying to get back into things
The craving had crept up on him in the night from seemingly nowhere. He'd been running from his uncle for at this point a decent amount of time. Almost a week with full intent of just returning to Koi Tower because he didn't want to face punishment.
And because he didn't want to admit that Uncle Wanyin that whatever curse had afflicted him was still there. That if he focused his skins would turn to some form of stone or metal and his steps felt heavier. Slower. It's unnatural and he can't bring himself to let this be seen.
A little voice in the back of his assures him that Uncle Guangyao won't ask questions or note this. That Jin Ling can keep this to himself and try to solve this on his own because he's certain the method Uncle Wanyin wants to use is simply confine him forever.
He's hungry though. He's hungry and nothing fills him no matter how many bowls he eats. He's hungry and the only thing that makes his teeth stop aching in his mouth is red meat but even then it's not enough. He needs it more. Jin Ling isn't full on simple beef or chicken.
He wants more.
When he's finally home no one asks questions and no one discusses his condition. Everyone is acting as he's normal and it begs the question if anyone ever found out about his incident. Yet, everyone is watching him and everyone is more than happy to make sure he eats.
It's still not enough. Not what he's craving.
Everyone laughs that he's a growing boy and he must have a growth spurt coming. That's not it. That's not it at all! He wants to tell them what is happening to his body and how it is changing but no one here will listen. No one will listen to Jin Ling and if they do- who is to say Uncle Guangyao won't do the same as his other Uncle?
He gets a letter at some point asking if he's alright and what's become of him but Jing Ling is too cowardly to answer and confront this matter. He chooses to ignore the cravings or the way it's getting hard to move. The gold tone that keeps trying to crawl up his skin. He ignores it and pretends it's not there.
Nothing is wrong with him!
"Jin Ling, are you all right? You've seemed so stressed."
And the notion that it was so obvious what was happening made him run to go on a night hunt the very next hour. No guards or escorts. No other disciples that could make things awkward between them all.
No, just himself. Not even Fairy who he was certain would tell on him if he took her with him because she's very much a snitch. She almost got him caught five times over last time.
So on his own, he left for nowhere in particular. Not expecting anything until the corpses showed up outside his door smelling so sickly in their deliciousness. Not until he took one into his mouth like a heathen and lapped away the blood did the heaviness in his body fade.
He felt light and relieved. So relieved that he kept biting and tearing at the raw flesh till he was tearing at his own hands in the frenzy. His tongue lapping the blood from the floor and his breath ragged as he tore into the bones to suck the marrow.
It was delicious! It was the most perfect thing he'd ever eaten. It was the only thing he ever wanted to eat again!
And that was the problem.
Thick ugly tears welled into his eyes as he caught a glimpse of his reflection. The red on his lips and the clawed tips of his hands. The furred ears and stains on his collar. "No…No- I- I didn't mean to- I…"
Who am I even trying to justify to?
No one had witnessed this horrid act but that made it worse. No one had seen him act like a monster. No one-
"I'm still hungry."
He's hungry and tired.
He's hungry, tired, and a little voice in the back of his head is telling him it's time to change. That his human skin is heavy and confining and it's time to just give in. Time to be something else.
In the mirror was not him but something in between and he'd screamed.
"No! I'm not a monster! I'm not like that!"
"That's not my body!"
That's not my body!
But his flesh just kept bubbling and expanding. His clothes so tight and heavy. "Uncle!" He blubbers knowing no one is there is help as he tries to claw his way out of his robes. "Help me. Someone, help me!"
This hurts. This hurts more than being a dog ever had. This hurts more than any broken bone or misplaced word over a meal. This is agony- this is worst than being stabbed. He's getting bigger and heavier as his body breaks and twists inside. The fur sprouting over his skin in a metallic sheen.
His teeth fell and his spine kept cracking- snapping within him until all the sensations stopped and were finally no longer Jin Ling. He was a Shishi.
An animal. Mystical but still an animal and not in the same joyful and rightful way a dog was. This wasn't him or his choice.
This was something pulled from him and he could feel the tug in his chest. He glanced in that mirror again afraid of his own reflection but more aptly afraid that he wouldn't turn back. Afraid that this time it was going to stick…
He paced the room in circles trying to calm himself but stopped when he became worried of his heavy steps frightening the people in the inn so instead, he made himself still and panicked.
He just needed to pull through and return. He'd done it before as a dog. He knew how to change back from that. He just had to focus and try. Try and pull his humanity back out from within himself into the outer.
He had to. He had to because he didn't want to be this thing. A Shishi! But it lasted. It lasted and it would fade or let him go. It wouldn't leave him be.
Not till morning when his body sizzled and burned with the sun and somehow he was left naked and crying on the floor. The hunger larger and more pressing. He tried to eat. He tried.
But he just hacked it all up. It was all disgusting and ashy. All so flavorless and mush in his mouth no matter what he ate. He couldn't keep a bite down and instead just vomited along the floor in shame. The next night he found another corpse and instinct overruled logic, so he ate that one too.
He ate and changed again only he was less panicked and in pain which made it worse.
A cat head appeared in his dinner and instead of disgust he pulled it from the broth and started tearing off the skin and sucking in the eyeballs. He whined at his hunger but smelled the rest of the body out and crawled on his paws to eat the rest of it.
He'd wake up afraid and unnerved at his state but when the hunger came in and he saw the dead cats he'd swallow whole. Jin Ling's afraid! So afraid.
But also calm. Vividly calm.
So when he bumps into the group of juniors from various clans but mostly Lan he demands to join because somehow he hopes a group will calm him. That others will make this better. That the corpses will stop lining up outside his door.
They don't. If anything it gets worse. It gets worse and he's so hungry he can practically feel his stomach crawling to have more. He's so ashamed. He's so ashamed and he hates himself and yet he can't bring himself to ask for help.
He just can't! Not from his family or his sect. Not from the people who know him.
But then that Rabbit spots him looking so smug as if there isn't enough disgust running through him that blood has covered his front and that intestines hang out the corner of his mouth. "I can't stop it. I'm scared and I can't stop it."
He knows he's already changing. He can feel his fangs coming in and he's so broken by the idea that he's going to be seen, "No! No, don't look at me."
The smug look on Lan Sizhui's face fades into a grimace, "Oh no…" A hand reaches to touch his but Jin Ling bats it away. Don't touch him! Don't come near him! Stop it. Stop with those pitiful eyes.
The twitch and spasm of his body that rings through as he tears through his robes- the way his tongue lolls out his mouth as it awkwardly expands before the rest of his jaw can catch up. The ugly way he lumbers only all four paws knowing he's been seen. That he's hideously changed in front of a Rabbit and he's horrified at the ramifications.
Will this boy tell? Will he end up locked away in the garden to be made a spectacle with the rest of the treasures at Koi Tower? Is it to be blackmail? Mockery? What? What!
The boy just cries at him. "I'm so sorry."
No… No. Not pity.
He could handle anything but pity from a boy slated to end up in a bottle.
Jin Ling backed away clumsily till he was against the trees he'd been hiding in while he 'disposed of the corpse'. He growls ears pressed back trying to make Lan Sizhui just leave. Just go and let him be in pain without this extra layer!
But he stays and puts a hand to his snout that if it wasn't for the fact the idea of hurting another like this makes his stomach turn he'd bite away. Instead, the hand just touches and smooths along the fur with such a somber expression, "I understand."
It breaks him. It breaks him and even though these eyes can't Jin Ling cries and tackles Lan Sizhui too the ground. He's scared and he can't find the courage to seek it. He's scared and a stranger knows him. He's scared and he can't tell the one person he always told everything! His loud howls before fading back to sobs as the transformation rusts away into dust on the ground leaving a small naked boy with snot running down his nose and tear stains on his cheeks in the morning dawn. He takes those hands that are calloused from playing instruments tightly and tries not to think of the black claws that haven't gone away.
He tries not to think of the fact that patches of bronze and gold are still literally his skin like polish stains. He tries. "Help me."
"I wouldn't even know where to start. I- I'm just a Rabbit. We need a sect leader or-"
"Please, don't tell anyone. Please!" His heart pounds, "I can't explain it but I know- I know if they learn it will make it worse. So keep it a secret."
And he thinks it's truly because Lan Sizhui is a Rabbit he only nods solemnly, "I promise. I won't tell a soul."
"I know someone is behind this. That they're doing it on purpose, but I have no leads except the cats."
"Then let's follow and see where it all goes."
"I was awful to you. Why are you helping me?"
Lan Sizhui drapes his outer robe over him, "Because, I'm in a similar circumstance. I wasn't born human, so my time is limited but you were. You have family and people depending on you. You have a future. A real future."
It's so sad how he talks of himself. Like there really is nothing for him ahead and he's resigned to such a fact. He can't help but pitying that kind of self-loathing that's sitting under the surface. But he can commend how much this person looks at him with something determined and sincere. "I want you to live. I don't like you. I personally think you're a huge ass, but I want you to live."
His cheeks turn red at the statement and he bows his eyes down pulling the robe closer, "I'm sorry. That I was rude and cruel… Is… is there any way to start again?"
"Well, I don't believe we ever properly introduced ourselves. Shall I start?" Lan Sizhui bows his head, "I'm Lan Sizhui. Pleasure to make your acquaintance."
"Likewise. I'm Jin Ling."