Chapter 46.

"Sit on the bed." said Dean. He locked the door.

"Why are you locking the door?" said Cas. Locks bothered him little, most of the time, but he wasn't sure his powers were sufficient to get him out.

"Wanna leave this nest of hunters?" said Dean. When he wasn't shouting, the anger underlying his voice was audible anyway.

"When I said that ... "

"Forget it." said Dean, "Not that thin-skinned. Now, sit!"

Cas sat on the bed.

There was a knock on the door. "Dean, why did you lock the door?" said Sam.

"Flight risk." said Dean, "Shut up, Sam." He turned to Cas, "Get comfy. I have questions."

"I'm not a flight risk."

"Good. Then the door being locked is not a problem for you. That's perfect."

"You have no reason to be so angry with me."

Dean looked a little uncertain, then said, "No, maybe not. I can't help it, okay?"

"Okay." said Cas.

"As I said, I have questions and I want you to answer those questions honestly or not at all. You got that?"

"Yes. So, not at all is an option?"

"It means I don't want you to lie to me. Do we understand each other?"

"You mean now, or in general?" said Cas, wondering how deep this conversation might go.

"Are you trying to distract me from asking about what you did today?"

"No." said Cas, "Ask."

"What did Rowena get for doing what she did?"

"I let her make one of the crystals for herself."

"With your grace?"

"Yes."

"Well, that was ... "

"Stupid?"

"In a word."

"Then I'm stupid." said Cas, "I needed to give them protection."

"You used your grace, your basic essence. You literally gave part of yourself to a witch."

"And bought them protection." said Cas.

"Is that all you think you are? What, you think they won't care if you're gone as long as they have some damn lucky charm? You think all you are to them is protection?"

Cas was getting angry himself. "That's all I am to anyone!" he said, "What am I to you, but my grace? You're angry because I'm powered down, because I'm no longer useful!"

"I'm angry because you put your life at risk, you dumb, stupid ... " He stopped himself and went over to the sink to stare into the mirror.

Cas watched him, wondering if he needed to be ready to defend himself.

Dean turned back to look at him. "All morning, I've been telling myself not to do this crap. All for nothing. Cas, you are a target for every evil thing in both worlds, plus Heaven, plus Hell. On what could be the eve of battle, suddenly you decide to incapacitate yourself and for what?"

"So they can be safe." said Cas.

"And what about your safety?"

"I've never been safe. I never will be safe."

"Because you keep doing the same ... Cas, do you even get why this was a bad idea?"

"I get why you think it was."

"Have you ever known me to be wrong?" said Dean.

"You were wrong about Jack." said Cas, leaping on the first example he could think of.

"If you die, Cas, it's not their safety they'll miss."

"Now that you know about it, we could make them for you and Sam too." said Cas. There was no need now for secrecy. He went on, "When my grace recovers enough ... "

"No. We're not doing that. Why did you do all four today? It makes no sense."

"I needed them to be safe."

"Why now? Why the urgency?"

Cas did not answer. That had, after all, been one of the options.

Dean waited. After a while, he said, "Did you hear the question?"

Cas touched his own forehead, just between the eyes. "My head hurts."

"You chose to lose your grace. Grace has its perks." said Dean, then he seemed to lose some of his hostility. "I have some Tylenol somewhere."

"I'll be fine." said Cas.

"Did you have sex with her?"

"With ... ?"

"With Rowena. When I called, she said you were sleeping a few feet away."

"I slept in the same room for a while With my grace so low, I needed to rest a little."

"No sex?"

"No. Why would I have sex with her?"

"Why did you do any of this?" said Dean. He looked at Cas for a long time and then said, "But I guess you still can't tell me that or why you left Jules or why you won't tell me any of it."

"No." said Cas.

"Could you tell Rowena?"

"Why are you asking all these questions?"

"Because I'm trying to understand." said Dean, "This nest of hunters used to be your home."

"And now it isn't?" said Cas. That sounded a lot worse than any of the angry retribution he had imagined.

"You tell me." said Dean, "Is the next plan to disappear altogether?"

"Dean, I would never leave you by choice. Never."

"You keep telling me you're doing all this crazy stuff because you have no choice."

"It's different." said Cas.

"It's not different. You left Jules, you can leave me."

"Well, what do you care? You think I'm stupid."

"You're not exactly proving me wrong, are you?"

"After all these years, I shouldn't have to prove myself at all." said Cas. He heard the anger in his own voice, the bitterness. The suggestion that he might leave ... that maybe Dean even wanted him to ... had set off a kind of panic response and he was struggling to regain control of his emotions.

"After all these years, you should trust me!" said Dean and Cas was reminded of the teenage Dean they had met inside the mind link, the glib, confident exterior protecting his vulnerable, already far too broken heart. In that moment, Cas understood that the same fears were forcing both of them to get angry and defensive.

"You're right." said Cas, "I have every reason to trust you."

"Then tell me ... "

"No. This time, you should trust me."

"I trusted you and you went straight to Rowena." said Dean, "Why the Raphael?"

"I thought you were less likely to look for me there."

"You were right. I almost missed that one off the list. But then you used the name Clarence."

"Foolish of me."

"What was the D for?" said Dean.

"I told Rowena to make something up. I don't know what she picked."

"So the D was her choice?"

"In my head, D was for dumbass."

Dean sat on the bed beside him. "I have really screwed you up." he said.

"Yes." said Cas.

"I can't change. I've tried."

"You've changed a lot." said Cas.

"I don't know what to do or how to get through to you. How do I get you to understand that you're just hurting yourself, all the time and every time, that hurts me?"

Cas looked at him in silence for a while and then said, "Well, you could just say that."

Dean looked thoughtful. "I could, couldn't I?" he said.

"But calling me stupid is easier and requires a lot less thought."

"Yes." Dean admitted.

"I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused."

"This isn't about the trouble. I need to know I can turn my back on you and you'll be safe."

"You can. I've done all my dumb stuff for this week."

"I wish I could believe that." said Dean.

"So do I." said Cas.