mild trigger warning

Chapter Forty-Six: It Just so Happens That it is Never too Early on Christmas

"Merry Christmas!" shouted James, throwing something at Remus.

Remus groaned as the package hit him in the head. "Shut the fuck up," he mumbled into his pillow. "It's too early."

James jumped into Remus's bed, landing next to him. He flung an arm around him. "Well, my dear Remus, it just so happens that it is never too early on Christmas."

"I would beg to differ."

"Then beg."

Remus flipped James off and rolled over, pulling his pillow over his head and trying to get back to sleep. Naturally, James pushed him completely off his bed, and Peter threw another package at him, hitting him in the stomach.

"Fuck you both," Remus whined, gathering up his blankets and climbing back onto his bed.

"I don't think Sirius would be very fond of that idea," James said wisely.

Remus ignored him and pulled his covers up over himself. It didn't last long, because someone yanked them completely off of his bed. He groaned loudly. "Fuck off, James."

Sirius gasped dramatically. "How dare you think that I, your loving boyfriend, was James? Honestly, Remus, I don't know what I'm going to do with you."

"Sirius," Remus whined.

"Remus," whined Sirius, right back at him.

Remus groaned. "Just let me sleep."

"No can do," said Sirius, shaking his head. "It's time for presents!"

Peter emphasized this by throwing another present at Remus.

"Fine, fine," Remus groaned. "I'll fucking get up then."

Sirius beamed. As soon as Remus was standing, Sirius pulled him into a kiss, dipping him deeply. James pretended to vomit. Peter kicked him.

"Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up," said Sirius. "Let's open presents!"

The boys sat in a circle on the floor, a pile of presents next to each of them, neatly wrapped (in Remus's case), horribly wrapped (in James's case), or somewhere in the middle. "Since you're so eager," said Peter, "how about you go first, James?"

"Gladly." James tossed a package at each of them. If you could call it a package, that is. The wrapping paper was barely on, and the whole thing was a disaster.

He had given Peter some new prank supplies, Remus had gotten a box containing about 50 Chocolate Frogs, and Sirius had received an ornate silver chain. "Oh James," sniffed Sirius, pretending to wipe a tear away. "You shouldn't have."

"You had to go and inflate his ego even more," said Remus.

They were all laughing and chatting and having a good time. Remus had a sizable pile of opened presents next to him, including some surprising ones, such as a package from Mrs. Potter. Sirius stood up, helping Remus to his feet. "Give us a minute?" he asked, before pulling Remus outside and into a deserted corner.

He pulled a little box out of his pocket and opened it. Inside were two plain gold rings. He handed one of them to Remus. Engraved on the inside of the ring was "Sirius" in tiny letters, with a heart next to it. Remus slipped it on, and Sirius did the same. Sirius leaned over, kissing Remus softly. "Merry Christmas," he said.

"Merry Christmas," returned Remus. "I fucking love you."

"I love you too."

Sirius pulled Remus into a hug, and they stood there for a few minutes. It was peaceful, quiet, and all Remus could think about was how much he loved Sirius. Sirius sighed. "We should probably go back."

He took Remus's hand, and the pair walked back to the dorm. "Finally," muttered James. Sirius flipped him off.

The whole day was happy and cheerful and Remus only felt slightly bad. It was those occasional moments when he would be doing just fine, and then the thoughts would sneak up on him out of nowhere.

They were having a snowball fight with some first and second years. Remus threw a snowball and hit Sirius in the chest, catching him by surprise and earning a shocked look of mock disbelief. He laughed at Sirius along with the ones who saw it.

And then, the thoughts were so overwhelming, and all Remus could perceive was how much he wished he wasn't there at that moment, that he were just dead. He stopped, dropping the half-formed snowball onto the ground and just standing there, looking blankly off.

"Remus?" asked Sirius quietly, hurrying over to him.

Remus shook himself. "I'm fine, fine," he said. "Sorry."

"You sure?"

Remus nodded, but he didn't look sure at all. "It's fine, Siri. Later?"

Sirius nodded understandingly, then turned and hit James on the side of the head with a particular large snowball. It exploded across James, sending drips of ice-cold water down his chest. He yelped and tackled Sirius, both of them landing in the snow.

They wrestled, each trying to shove the other's into the snow. Everyone was laughing and cheering them on. Remus watched wistfully. There wouldn't be a difference if he wasn't there, he realized. He could just disappear, and no one would notice. Life would go on, people would move on, the world would keep on turning.

He shook himself. Not on Christmas. He had to at least appear to be enjoying himself, for everyone else's sake. He tapped his fingers together, spun the ring Sirius had given him around and around and around. Blinking, he tried to clear the thoughts.

After a large Christmas dinner, when all of the younger students were in their dorms, the four boys sat on the floor of the common room, a blazing fire in front of them. All of the students above them had gone home for Christmas, as well as many below them.

James leaned against the couch, with Sirius next to him. Remus was sprawled across Sirius, and Peter sat cross-legged on James's other side. It was quiet, aside from the crackling of the fire. Sirius played with Remus's hair. James spun a top on the tip of his finger.

"I've got a little bit of firewhiskey in my trunk," said James.

Remus turned to look at him. "No," he said firmly. "We're not getting drunk tonight."

James shook his head. "Not drunk. I don't have that much anyways. Just a shot, all together. For Christmas?"

"Fine," said Remus reluctantly.

James got up stiffly, stretching his legs, and returned a minute later with four shot glasses and a mostly empty bottle of firewhiskey. He passed out the shot glasses. Peter groaned.

"James, you know I hate firewhiskey," he said.

James poured him a shot. "Come on, Pete. It's just one shot. For Christmas."

"On three," said Sirius. "One, two, three!"

They all downed their shots, Peter spluttering at the burn. "Well, I'm off to bed," he said, handing the shot glass back to James.

James collected the glasses, then followed Peter to the dorm, muttering something similar about being tired.

Sirius and Remus sat there for a long time. Not talking, not kissing, just sitting there, watching the fire burn. Sirius played with Remus's hair, and Remus fiddled with his ring. They sat there as the fire burned down more and more, until it was just a few glowing embers.

"I love you," whispered Sirius, giving Remus a soft kiss.

"I love you too."

A/N:

i have decided that i want to look like david bowie, freddie mercury, frank n furter from rocky horror, young harrison ford, pro rev frank iero, danger days gerard way, david tennant as hamlet, lynz way, orlando bloom as legolas, and ruby rose in general, but all at the same time. if that makes sense. i want that masculine vibe, while also crushing gender stereotypes and looking hot

i'm going to try and shower tonight bc i rlly do need to, but also my dysphoria/dysmorphia has been saying absolutely not. also just like depression kicking my ass and everything important goes out the window, ya feel me? imma keep the lights off and try to find an oversized shirt because i CANNOT deal without that rn. thank you sm to u lovely people for supporting me even when i feel and look like shit, ur all so amazing and i hope u know that

take care, drink some water, be gentle with yourselves. i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn