Chapter 46. January 8 – January 13, εуλ0008

Somewhere beyond, far past any place or imagining, Zack watched.

He could barely wrap his mind around it. He was a father. Even as he'd been removed from the world, part of him existing, moving on inside of his beloved Aerith's womb... and he had never known.

It had taken time for Aerith to figure out how to let him see reliably across the border – even more, to teach him how to do it on his own. But now, he could create at least the most cursory glimpses, of what he most wanted, needed, to see.

The first time he saw her smile… he almost broke. His daughter… his and Aerith's.

Mako is the essence of memory and hope, Aerith had told him, and she was what made him understand this truth. Genesis and his "gift of the goddess". It had always been as simple as this, just seeing the sparkle in his child's eyes. Genesis, you said the dream became real, but this is my dream.

How many things would have been different had he known? Had he even had a choice?

Could one figure destiny on the choices that were made? He and Aerith, removed from the living, doomed only to watch. Their touch on the world, uncertain. Though she tried – Aerith tried. A little stronger all the time.

But Cloud and Tifa, still on the surface, bore the brunt of the burden.

He wanted to see his friends with her. See them, someone, enjoy what he could not have. What he had wanted. All his dreams of becoming a hero, and now, too late, he knew that had never been it at all.

…if only…

…fuck Shinra…

…is there another way out?...

…Cloud, live for me…

Cloud, alive and strong. He saw his friend's pain at Aerith's death. And when he first saw Tifa, too, well… he was stunned. Wow. What a difference. The woman she'd become… someone deserving of Cloud.

He wished he could speak to her – but that was far beyond what Aerith could yet do. One day, perhaps, she herself could, but even that was ahead in that distance. He wished he could tell her how he regretted that day in the reactor. How he wished he could undo her hate. You thought I was a monster, same as Sephiroth. He didn't blame her, one bit. Since then, he'd had days where he'd asked the same question of himself.

But he knew he was better than that.

Tifa, please don't forget, it's what's inside the heart that counts.

Cloud was a SOLDIER, now, for all intents and purposes… however it had happened, that was the truth. Could Tifa still respect him? Love him? That was his wish, that she would care for him as he had – he'd certainly paid dear enough for it.

Aerith appeared, one moment not there and then she was, as was the way of the Lifestream. She snuggled under his arm; he wondered if this touch was real. It certainly felt the same, when they'd make love the way they always wanted, no obstacle, no delay. Her touch, her scent, filling all his senses, he drinking in his fill of her as if he could never have enough.

"Cloud's… nearing the border," she told him. "I can almost feel him now." She enjoyed his gentle nearness, finally able to enjoy what she'd been missing for so long… but at the cost of something else. I wonder if the Planet picked out Zack as the right father? Or was it just chance? A SOLDIER for a father, a Cetra for a mother… she had no idea what that might make, but it seemed like it might mean something. Without another Cetra, was a SOLDIER the next best thing?

If he was one who could take what he'd been given, use it to love, not to fight… she thought the answer might be YES. She looked up at the man she loved, full of pride and admiration. So glad he was the one.

"But… we don't want him here, right?" Zack asked. She shook her head, curls spilling over her shoulders where they'd been back in a braid just an instant before, the way things here could change with just your imagination.

"We don't. But if he gets close enough to reach him… Maybe I can send him back. Give him a nice, hard push, if you will."

"That will work?" Zack asked. Not that he had any reason to doubt her.

She paused, biting her lip. "It should," she said. "But after all this exposure to the Lifestream… I don't know what will happen to him. If he'll be okay." Cloud, such a fragile heart, capable of loving so deeply it could tear him up inside. What if it was all too much for him?

"Well, either way, we have to do what we can," he told her.

"We will," she replied. "And then… we watch. And wait."

Tifa woke up from foggy dreams – not in the dazed, incoherent sense that dreams often were, but foggy like their mood, overcast and sad. Dreams that, in that respect, were far too clear.

"You're awake, Tifa," she heard her name, briefly carrying her back to waking up in a hospital… five years? Was it really so long ago?

Cloud, she realized with her first burst of consciousness, she had been dreaming of Cloud, but he was gone…

Barret's dark face leaned over her. Gray, the ceiling above – not white as she had thought. Not the same place.

If not a hospital...then where?

"Finally," he told her.

"How long…" she asked groggily… "was I out…"

"A week," he told her. A week? Anything could have happened to…

"Cloud?" the next word out of her mouth.

Barret sighed; his face, grim and concerned. "Tifa. We don't know. You remember the crater?" She nodded. "That was the last anyone saw of him. You know as well as the rest of us. He could be anywhere."

"He could be…" She couldn't even let herself think it.

"I know, Tifa," he told her. "But in the meantime… there's something you should see."

She pulled herself carefully off the table where she'd been laid out, making sure she was steady on her feet. She wobbled, felt a little faint, but in a moment it passed; she stood up straight, following Barret to the window, dragging her feet in an echo of the heaviness of her heart.

Cloud… first Aerith, then Cloud…

The shade opened to a reddened sky, the giant bloodied moon surfing the sky all too near. Meteor. So this was what Sephiroth had been planning, his grand scheme. A wound to harm the Planet. That Cloud had given the Black Materia and the last of his sanity for… that Aerith had died for…

She'd never see either of them again.

"Rufus has been fighting…"

She might as well just give up.

"Tifa, are you even listening?"

She wasn't.

She gazed stupidly outside, taking what comfort she could from Barret's solid, familiar presence, only to be interrupted by the same man of Shinra they'd just spoken of. Their rescuer… and, she suspected, now their jailer as well.

Rufus smirked, that cool smile of riches and privilege; she wanted to smack it off his face. However he might be fighting now… there were too many things she couldn't forgive. Not him, not Shinra. The symbol of everything Cloud had suffered.

"He's been asking about Cloud," Barret offered by way of introduction. "I heard Hojo was interested as well."

"I'm… sure he has." Tifa tried her best to be snippy; it just didn't come out right.

"Well," Rufus replied, "I believe I have got the answers I needed. I won't need your assistance further." He paused. "We've formed a plan. We're going to collect Huge Materia from our reactors, and load it into the Shinra No. 26 rocket, shoot it out at Meteor. Destroy that rock before it gets any closer. Then we take our cannon here in Junon, the Sister Ray –" he motioned vaguely outside, and Tifa remembered the enormous canon she'd seen on their first visit to the city – "and use its mako power to destroy the barrier around the Northern Crater. After that, we'll be able to invade, go inside and destroy Sephiroth, all of his power disbanded. The world saved, all due to Shinra." He made a mock bow.

Barret and Tifa stood there, momentarily speechless. "Then why the hell are you still keeping us here?" demanded Barret.

"Besides keeping the young lady here? She was in very bad shape, as you certainly know." Barret grunted; she wondered what neither man was saying. "But now… not so fast. A crime demands a culprit. The public must be sated."

"A culprit?" Tifa puzzled, while Barret glowered. "What are you talking about?"

"Why, it's very simple," Rufus replied, nonplussed. "We've slated you for execution. Televised, no less. The public's appetite will be sated, and Shinra will have its chance to put its plan into motion, unhindered by public outcry. Now that you're awake –" he gestured flippantly at Tifa – "there's no reason to delay."

"Why, you fucker…" Barret lunged towards him, but before he could make two steps, guards nearly as burly as he was strode into the room, four of them in tandem quickly subduing him. Tifa hardly cared when more grabbed hold of her as well. Already dull and listless, she was having trouble caring one way or another. She glanced out the window at Meteor – was there even any hope? They'd die soon enough either way. This plan of Shinra's… sounded good on paper, but somehow she knew something was missing, that it simply wouldn't work the nice clean way they expected. Sephiroth was just too powerful.

She'd felt helpless before, but never so… defeated.

"Shame such a beautiful woman has to be wasted." Rufus stepped towards her; she cringed, expecting her touch, but his cold blue eyes seemed little interested as a women, or much of anything but an obstacle in his path. "But what must be done… Well, I suggest you say your goodbyes."

He waltzed out, exchanging places with Scarlet entering – the weapons director, she recalled, as if it even mattered. Barret looked around hastily, but there seemed little chance of escape; she realized they'd clamped cold metal handcuffs on her and she hadn't even noticed, only now realizing they were digging into her wrists, her gloves the only thing keeping her skin from being torn open. She suspected they'd restrained Barret the same.

Scarlet. The woman at the executive meeting they'd eavesdropped on… "Personally, I've never had a problem with torture," she had said, and with the menace emanating off her, Tifa could believe it.

"Take me first!" growled Barret, and Tifa knew what he was trying to do – buy her some time, however little, with his own life if needed. A noble last stand. But it was a pointless one as well – what chance was there without Cloud? Who would be there to rescue them?

The guards shrugged, indifferent, and started to prod Barret forward, but Scarlet held up one hand to halt them. "No," she said. "I want the little cunt instead."

"But, Scarlet!" one grunt protested, glancing Tifa's way – had he seen her earlier? Had a bit of a crush on her? She'd never know – as Barret argued vehemently, curses dripping from his mouth.

"DO IT!" Scarlet snapped, her nonexistent patience obviously being tried; and Tifa's bound arms were shoved forward, metal twisting against leather – and she found some wellspring of resistance then, suddenly screaming, struggling before she even knew what she was doing – behind her Barret roared like a caged beast, trying to shake off his guards, somehow fight his way to her –

Scarlet looked only with contempt at her captives, Tifa still struggling even with soldiers to either side hooking their arms into her elbows, giving her the choice of walking forward or being dragged. Tifa chose to preserve some shred of dignity. Suddenly, Scarlet's arm whipped out, he hand slapping Tifa's face; Tifa crumpled, more from shock than any force behind the blow, and a spark in her rekindled. She raised her head, and swallowing a couple of times, she puckered her lips and spit right into Scarlet's face.

Her aim was good. "Little bitch!" Scarlet squealed; disgusted, she wiped the gob off her eyes and nose, looking around for someplace to smear it. "Enough. Get her out of my sight."

Tifa, emboldened, squirmed, knowing she could take these guards down in a minute if she could get any sort of opening, any angle by which to attack, but these Shinra grunts were surprisingly efficient in their work. Unable to throw a punch, kick their legs out from under them, as they inevitably marched her forward, she felt the fight start to drain out of her once again.

Her mind drifting, detached, a strange sense of peace washing over her. So this is how it ends. Passive acceptance took over, as she felt herself accepting the inevitable.

Disjointed, surreal, she was lost in her thoughts as she was guided through a main room, ignoring the camera crews, barely even considering the audacity of turning this into a media frenzy. Would Marlene see this on TV? Marlene. She had a dad in Barret, but with both of them gone… Aerith might very well have taken her in if… She supposed Elmyra would instead, as easily as she'd adopted Aerith all those years ago. Tifa hoped it was true Shinra hadn't harmed either of them.

Entering a small, windowless room, she was manhandled into a chair, her hands slapped to the arms and buckled with metal bands. She'd know what would happen once they left… she had little time before she drifted off to endless sleep. The door clanged shut, the echoes haunting the room where she now sat, alone and helpless.

What hurt more, now that she was facing her own demise, was losing the chance to have all the things she gave up with her ill-advised fight against Shinra. Anger and hate, that had been all it had been, some futile hope for revenge – and look where it had gotten her. The things she had always wanted. Family. Children. Love.

Cloud…

Things she'd never have a chance to say to him – if he was even still alive to say them to. Would it have made a difference if she had?

He could have been lost long before, she reminded herself, here and now forcing herself to face some difficult possibilities. Sephiroth's images were still emblazoned in her mind, his words – Cloud, created – reverberating – echoing – and as much as she had cried out to him not to listen, not to look, it was as if Sephiroth himself had struck deeper inside her than any blade, to find her worst fears within.

The air, like her head, was feeling… thick. Sluggishly, she thought she'd just lie back, take a break – let her eyes close, slide to the floor and have a snooze, fighting a losing battle against the urge.

A glint caught her eye. The tinkle she'd ignored as the guard had left the room... the key that had fallen out of his pocket. Or had it? Was it the same, the one who had talked back to Scarlet in her defense? No matter; her heart leaped at the chance, however slight. She stretched downwards as far as she could go, grateful her legs hadn't been restrained as well, ignoring the ache in her wrists as she grabbed the tiny object with the very tips of her boots. Twisting and turning, grateful for the flexibility years of training had given her, she brought the key to her teeth, leaning forward with it gritted firmly in her jaw, trying to work the delicate lock over her right hand.

A click, and the metal snapped open; she could have cheered. Quickly freeing the left, she didn't waste time even rubbing her sore wrists – they hadn't even bothered to remove her gloves, though she doubted that was for any sort of comfort rather than simple laziness – she ran to the wall and pushed the button off, only then daring to take a deep, refreshing breath.

Suddenly, the building quaked violently, and a whoosh of cold air slapped her in the face – followed by a blinding light breaking through dust from the explosion, taking the place of the deadly gas that had been sucked outside. Looking up, she saw her prison cracked open like an egg, and looking at the jagged rips of metal around the opening, she realized only one thing could be responsible for the attack. Not stopping to think on it further, Tifa wasted no time in finding handholds on the pipes that lined the walls and clambering up, clawing her way to outside and freedom.

Viewing Meteor from the window, she hadn't realized quite how high up they had been – she found herself some distance above the giant cannon, protruding itself far above the sea below. Steeling herself, she focused on scaling the metal wall of the fortress, concentrating only on what was right in front of her - hand over hand, an inch at a time –

She'd just felt the solid metal of the cannon's barrel under her feet when the shouts of troops were heard – in the distance, but rapidly growing closer. They'd spotted her. Looking over her shoulder, she ran the only way she could – nowhere, to go but forward, even if it was a dead end with only miles of ocean beyond. Ocean winds whipped her hair, caterwauling over her, laughing and threatening to carry her off the edge.

But just before she reached the point of no return, out of nowhere an airship swooped up before her; the winds had been the gusts generated by the giant propellers driving it forward and up. The airship that had been their escape from the crater.

She saw Barret's face over the railing, no time to wonder how he had escaped, as Shinra's troops drew closer. She couldn't hear Barret's words, but the meaning was clear as her threw a rope down, and she grabbed onto her lifeline. He yanked her up and over the rail, she finally whumping the deck in an echo of her last coherent memory before waking up in Junon.

"Cloud?" she gasped, but Barret shook his head; their rescue didn't come from him. In that case… "Barret, can you tell me what is going on?" She looked around. "How are we on an airship? On this one? Did you steal it?"

"Well, yeah, but not me. Cait did it," he told her. "Guess the guy behind the thing is really on our side after all. Wasn't really stealing either – the crew, ah, just decided to change employers. Said they'd rather work for Captain Cid than Heidegger." He chuckled. "They had some very… colorful… words for their former boss. Some surprised even Cid."

"So Cid's here?" Tifa asked, overjoyed. And Cait too, she assumed. It wasn't Cloud, but it was something…

"More than That, Tifa. Everyone else is here too. They've been really worried about you. They'll be so glad to see you back safe and sound."

Sure enough, as Barret led her to the bridge, she was welcomed loudly by the entire party, minus… Well. She wouldn't go there for now. Gathering around her, she was met by hugs (Yuffie, throwing herself at Tifa full force; followed by a more restrained but still jovial Cid); a nuzzle from Nanaki; firm handshakes from the crew ("We've heard nothing but good things about you from the Captain, ma'm. It's an honor to serve you"), all positively making Tifa blush.

Vincent gave her only the barest of nods, but as he told her, "I'm glad you're okay," she realized that in his own way, he was perhaps being even more enthusiastic than Yuffie.

Cid beamed. "Thought we'd lost you," he told her. "In all the confusion when we got here, the crew was able to take the ship – but you'd already been hauled off, see, and Barret wouldn't leave you alone –" She looked at Barret, filled with new respect for the man. He'd stayed with her? Even given a chance to escape?

The joy everywhere was so much it nearly overwhelmed her; the only thing that could have made it better would have been if…

"There's still someone missing," she said, betraying the void within her heart; her simple statement hushed silence over the group.

Finally, Cid couldn't bear it. "Damn, girl, could you at least fake a bit of excitement for the fucking best airship ever?"

"Cid," Nanaki cautioned, and as she looked around the faces of the others, she realized she'd been fooling absolutely no one.

"If only…" Tifa swallowed. "If he was here, he'd have everything under control." Would he really? After the Northern Crater, could she still say that with confidence? "He'd be her… to say it's alright…"

She'd become such a wimp. Five years surviving on her own, not a word out of him, and now… was she really some scared little girl, needing and wanting someone to come save her? She felt so ashamed of herself.

Barret scratched his head, looking her straight in the eye. Barret… another pillar of her life… he had his own ways of propping her up, keeping her going. It reminded her Cloud wasn't all her life was about. "Damn," he finally said. "I don't even know what to make of that guy. But, Tifa, we've got to keep going. You know?"

"Ain't no getting off this train we're on!" Tifa laughed despite herself, echoing Barret's words she knew all too well.

"Tifa," added Nanaki. "Do not forget. We all have our own strength."

Nanaki was right. All the same… there was something she had to know. She was the reason they had all believed in Cloud, believed he was reliable and even just real – especially Barret, who had only given Cloud a chance at all because of her words…

"I have to find him," she told them. "I have to find out…" Was that really all of it? Or was it only her own selfish reasons, tainting her judgment all over again?

Could she even trust herself when it came to Cloud?

Nanaki, as always with his refined sensitivities, followed her train of thought. "Tifa, there is only one thing you can truly do to honor him in his absence. ," the fiery creature said. "You must lead us yourself."

"Me? But I – " Tifa realized she had no valid objection. Not truly. Fears, yes, but those weren't good reasons. After all, Cloud'd had plenty of fears of his own, but he'd done his best to lead them anyway, hadn't he? Even if, in the end, it wasn't enough.

The least she could do was try the same. She nodded, acquiescing, doubtful but determined nevertheless.

"Now that's the tough girl I know!" Barret said with pride, slapping her on the back. It was encouraging.

Nanaki cleared his throat. "Then Tifa, may I make a suggestion?" She nodded gratefully, feeling more comfortable already. "We could conjecture Cloud has fallen into the Lifestream itself. I do know of a place where the Lifestream is known to break the surface. If I may direct?"