CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN – Life Is Not a Waiting Room
Leaving Sara with Pepper whilst she watched over a recovering Tony, I stumbled across the remains of the Avengers going through their final preparations. Steve looked up, securing a leather strap on his glove.
An uncomfortable tension strangled the airiness of the space, all thoughts absorbed on a second confrontation with Thanos – the Hail Mary to clean up the devastation left in the wake of the Snap.
We'd only just got Tony back – skin and bone, broken and defeated as I was and now my so-called friends were running off on another suicide mission.
"Were you planning on leaving without me?" I accused them all openly. Despite my earlier objections to their mission, I'd expected to join them.
Steve and Natasha exchanged a thoughtful look, a wordless communication shared between trusted partners. "We thought it best you stay with Tony," Steve replied cautiously, moving to stand in front of the group as if shielding them from my bitter rage.
"Why? I have as much riding on this mission as the rest of you, even if I think it's pointless. I could be wrong, it's happened before."
"Tony needs you–"
"No!" I curtly cut him off. "You don't get to put me on the sidelines! Not again."
Hate bloomed through my entire being, the fragile edge of control slipping from my grasp as I shoved my hands against his chest. There was no turning back as I embraced the fury once and for all.
"Who died and made you King of the world? Oh, that's right, just half of the world's population! Including your best friend! Didn't he give enough? Didn't he suffer enough without you dragging him into another fight?"
His staunch facial expression faulted as the contempt spat from my bitter mouth.
"How does it feel knowing you killed your best friend? Killed my son!" I lashed out with a vicious punch to the nose. "IT'S YOUR FAULT THEY'RE DEAD!"
Thor obstructed my second punch, his muscular arms enfolding my body. I kicked out violently as he backed us away from Steve. He pinched his nose, easily stopping the blood flow and waving off a horrified Natasha with the other hand.
"It should've been me! I should be dead! Not Michael or Mariko... not Bucky!" Desperate tears spilled down my cheeks as I broke down. Thor's strength kept me from collapsing into a ball of my own misery. "IT SHOULD'VE BEEN ME!"
My hollow, mournful scream swelled in the awkward silence, the grief touching every living being. Even in Thor's grasp I could feel a tremor of acknowledgement – a shared suffering we couldn't escape from.
"Let me take her," Steve approached, ignoring his own pain to scoop me up in his arms, carrying my whimpering form to my room to set me down on the bed. "I'll get Bruce to give you something to help you sleep, he'll keep an eye on Sara till I get back."
"I didn't mean it," I whispered through the shame and tears burning my cheeks. "I swear I didn't… I don't blame you."
"I know," he managed a feeble smile, reaching over to brush some hair off my wet face.
"I can't do this anymore," I wept. "I can't give any more… I've got nothing left."
"You've got Sara, and she needs you more than anyone right now." He leaned over, pressing a lingering kiss to my forehead. "Get some rest, Gin. I'll come by when we get back."
"Don't go," I whispered curling my arms around his neck, keeping him protectively close. "I can't lose you too, Steve… I wouldn't survive."
"I won't be long, promise." He gently pulled himself from my grasp, hastily leaving the room as I sobbed into my hands.
-x-
I woke to the warmth of sun streaming across my bed, and Steve sitting in an armchair reading quietly. I'd never noticed it before because he always appeared the same, but he'd suddenly aged, as if everything we'd been through lately finally took its toll.
"Hey stranger," I managed a small smile.
He looked up, "Hey, how are you feeling?"
"Better, guess it's no surprise to you but it's been awhile since I slept properly."
He closed the book, setting it down on the chair as he rose. I sat up, watching him carefully.
"You're here, that's good."
"About the only good thing," he replied solemnly.
He sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed. He carried a burden far heavier than any one person should've. My breakdowns hadn't eased his own suffering, rather made things difficult when he should've been able to rely on me.
"What happened?"
"Thanos destroyed the stones. They're gone."
"So… so what does that mean? They're gone and so is everyone we lost?"
He slowly nodded, "They were our only chance to set things right."
"And Thanos?"
"Thor killed him. He's gone too… wherever he goes."
"So that's that then," I murmured feeling indifferent to the situation. "We just have to make the best of things."
"Just like you wanted all along." Steve stood, tension tightening the muscles visible beneath his shirt. "Just move on like nothing happened."
I kicked off the sheets. "No, not like nothing happened. My son disappeared in my arms… he turned to ash! I felt him pass between my fingertips! That is not nothing, that is reality. How do you fix that? You don't. I'm sorry if you're struggling to deal with that, but it's my reality."
"So, you're really blaming me then? You think I killed them?"
"I told you I didn't mean that–"
"I think you did."
Though his tone barely rose, a bitterness lingered enough to reveal we'd reached uncharted territory in our relationship. After everything I'd done to him, a handful of words said in anger would be the final straw.
"You're right, I brought you and Bucky into this. I don't know if things would be different if you weren't involved, maybe you'd still have your family."
"This a bad time?" Pepper wheeled Tony into the bedroom, ending the conversation.
"No, I was just leaving." Steve forced a smile at the couple as he stalked out of the room, our positions clearly and stubbornly decided on opposite sides.
Fighting the dampness threatening to blur my vision, I went to Sara's cot, her big eyes staring up at me as I reached for her, relishing in the warmth of hugging her little body against mine.
"How are you feeling this morning?"
"Better, thanks for watching Sara." I forced my own smile. "Don't look so worried, Pepper, I'm fine really."
"I know you're not, none of us are."
"That's why we're here," Tony looked to Pepper who went to close the bedroom door. "We're getting outta here, I've got a cabin–"
"You do?" I gently laid Sara on the changing table.
"A spur of the moment decision that's finally come in use,"
"Our thought was it would be a good space for Sara to grow up," Pepper added coming up beside me, handing over a clean diaper.
"Yeah, I'll build your own cabin near ours. The kid can't grow up here and it looks like you and Rogers aren't getting along."
"I appreciate the offer Tony–"
"Good, I'll try and find some builders to get started."
"That wasn't a yes." I dressed Sara in some clean clothes.
"I think it was."
I glanced at Pepper; her kind eyes focused on Sara.
I couldn't deny my frayed nerves needed some free breathing space. Confined to a place tied to my past made it harder to focus on the future. Sara deserved a good life, the chance to grow up without her parent's death constantly hanging over her head like a dark cloud.
"You've given more than enough, Gin," Pepper remarked. "I think the two of you could be happy there."
I slowly nodded, grateful for the chance to flee my unhappiness. "You're right. There's nothing keeping me here anymore, Sara deserves to still have the life her parents wanted for her."
"I'll make arrangements for her things to be packed up in New York."
"Thanks Pepper." I cuddled Sara against me, her chubby hands pulling at my hair as the couple left us alone to make our own preparations for a fresh start.
-x-
I closed a suitcase full of Sara's things, catching movement in the doorway. Natasha forced her lips to curve into a smile as she entered, gazing around the bare room.
"So, it's true? You're really leaving?"
"News travels fast."
"Bruce let it slip, Tony confirmed it, and I haven't seen Steve since." She walked over to where I'd placed Sara in her pram, all ready for our trip. "I didn't think you'd leave."
"I can't stay."
"I know things are tense between you and Rogers, but maybe now isn't the time to make rash decisions, especially if Stark's making all the suggestions."
Her soft tone came from a place of compassion, our long friendship allowing her to tread into murky, emotional waters.
"I don't want you to leave, not after everything that's happened," she admitted quietly. "Everyone's leaving."
"If I stay, I risk becoming someone I've fought against my entire life."
She frowned at me.
"My father." I abandoned packing to sit on the bed, motioning for her to join me.
"I've never heard you talk about your family before."
"He was an angry man, tormented by things he saw during the First World War and he inflicted his pain on everyone around him. He wasn't an easy man to love, but very easy to hate."
"You're not like that."
"Sometimes I am," I admitted, a hand falling on hers as it rested on my arm. "I'm barely keeping it together, Nat. Holding onto Sara and creating a life away from this place is the only way I figure I can stop myself from breaking completely. If I break any more than I already have… I don't think I'll ever find my way back."
I glanced at her, sensing her understood the emotions blowing like gale force winds within my fragile body. Her hand tightened on my arm, a comfortable squeeze of solitary support I needed more than she'd ever know.
"I'll keep in contact, and you can come and visit. Sara needs her aunty Nat in her life to teach her all the things I'll refuse too."
She genuinely smiled for the first time, nodding her head. "Let me help you with your stuff."
I finished packing up my things, grabbing what I could while Natasha pushed the pram through the empty facility, its eeriness echoing the departure of the team as we all searched with ways to cope with our new reality.
Pepper waited out front in a hired sedan and helped settle Sara into her car seat while I placed the suitcases and pram in the trunk. Saying goodbye to Natasha was harder than I imagined, our hug stretching on until I caught sight of Steve, cautiously approaching from the opposite side of the facility. Dressed in his workout gear, his wet grassy shoes told how he'd been dealing with news of my departure.
"Steve's here," I murmured pulling away.
"Go to him." Natasha replied releasing me.
I went to Steve, an awkward space lingering between us. He buried his hands in his pant pockets, staring at the grass.
"So, Tony's got a cabin?"
I nodded, "I'm as surprised as you are. He's going to build another one for me and Sara."
"Good." He looked up with a small smile. "It'll be a good place for her to grow up."
"Yes," I agreed quietly, struggling with what I wanted to say over whether I should. "Steve, I know it doesn't mean much–"
"I'm sorry too, for everything."
"Don't say it like we're never going to see each other again," I stepped towards him. "You can come by whenever you want, you can even stay as long as you want… forever even if you wanted to retire."
He swallowed hard, sheepish eyes studying my face.
"You've allowed to live your life, Steve."
He removed his hands from his pockets and pulled me into a hug. I sighed into his neck, finding solace in the beginning of repairing our fractured relationship – a dance we knew so well at this point.
"Call me when you're settled, I'll come by."
"Will you miss me?" I leaned back against his arms.
"Of course, no one fights me like you do." He chuckled.
Without thinking I reached up, my mouth settling over Steve's. Slowly and almost unsurely, his soft lips moved against mine, strong hands keeping me pressed against him until a flush of shame spread across my face. I abruptly tore myself from his hold and marched back to the sedan, climbing into the passenger seat.
Though I could feel Pepper's gaze, I didn't look back as we drove off, concentrating on the road and the uncertain future ahead.