This chapter contains trigger content for sexual abuse
There is an eerie stillness that impinges with effortless ease. Perhaps it is the darkening atmosphere, or the thickened trees that stand abreast like disciplined soldiers? She forgets how long they have walked, but the hours stretch on like an infinite expanding mass.
"Shisui, may I ask the distance to our destination?"
Her voice trembles beneath a deluge of fatigue, yet Honoka does not relent to the exhaustion.
"We have a way to go," Shisui answers, "do you need a break?"
He turns and gazes contemplatively in her direction.
"May I recommend a compromise?" she breathes, and when he does not respond, she continues, "I would like to propose that we reduce the speed of our walking with minimal rest periods. We have trialled this earlier and I believe it worked very well."
At the suggestion, Shisui gives a resolute smile that indicates his approval.
So for the next hour, they slowly trek through the deepened forest in placid silence.
She likes the quietude and how it suspends her in a sphere of tranquility. Introversion is what draws her to the stillness, but it is Shisui's presence that surrounds her in that gentle aura of comfort. The two intersect to form what she defines as her happiness. And though she is aware of its one way direction, she is nevertheless grateful for the positivity.
Sometime later, there is a dull pulsating pain that transpires in the lower end of her abdomen. The ache is gradual, minor enough to pass as a stitch, but progressively lengthens in duration and intensity with each passing minute.
As much as she wishes to ignore its sudden appearance, the ailment is strikingly familiar. Fear is what keeps her going - not from anything external, rather, from her own inclination to appease the one person in her company.
"Strength and resiliency is an attractive feature. It shows you can handle things on your own, that you are not afraid of the hardships, that you are selfless...people are naturally drawn to others who are strong," she had read.
If she can increase her level of appeal, she will do it. And it may not be in a manner that is conscious, but a more deeper, internalised desire for acceptance.
"Is everything okay?"
Shisui's voice hovers from somewhere up front. For the past two kilometres, the paths have been narrow, so they are forced to walk in tandem.
When she turns to him, the distance between them is unexpectedly wide. Shisui often checks back on her to ensure she does not fall behind, however, the sudden aggravating discomfort has largely impeded her ability to keep pace.
"I do apologise for not informing you earlier," she says to his approaching footsteps, "but may I request a break?"
As she speaks, the wet drops fall in light drizzles.
"Good timing for one too, I think it's going to storm," Shisui says.
He frowns at the conglomeration of blackened clouds.
"We are right beside the mountain, so let's search for shelter," he continues.
They head towards a small aperture that divides the forest edge and mountain base. And between roughen terrain, there is a tapered gap that eventually morphs into a passageway.
"In here," Shisui calls.
The path extends about ten metres, then hits an unusually shaped cavern that is sheltered beneath a mass of tumbling sand and rotting greenery.
For the next ten minutes, they sit in the quietude of a blacken world. The only present sound is the splattering fall of rain, and the way it hits the ground and reverberates like distant echoes.
But Honoka is complacent. This is her peace and her ideal utopia. There is no one to accuse her of any wrongdoings, or orders that keeps her physical beneath a wave of agonising uncertainty. Her mind may be used to it, but her body is deeply resentful - it can never predict those impending ailment. And tonight, she is dealing with the repercussions of those unpredictable injuries.
She momentarily forgets about the pain. Shisui's presence is almost like a palliator to the physical discomfort. But the affliction is seemingly far more problematic than she initially anticipated.
In deep silence, she keeps her breathing subdued and her hands clutched against the mounting ache that pierces her abdomen like jagged thorns. Somewhere to her right, Shisui is busy putting together a makeshift fire.
Without drawing commotion, she soundlessly shuffles her knees to her chest and brings herself forward. There may be a slight alleviation in the pain, but her intuition begs attention.
Strength and resiliency is an attractive feature.
She replays the sentence. Over and over. If she is ever going to change and adapt to what society deems as 'normal' then she must work for it. Experience may have taught her what books cannot, but given her social interactions thus far, her choice for learning is limited.
"Honoka."
Shisui's voice is like a searching light amidst a darken void. And just the way he guides her conscious to reality, the illuminating fire beckons her physical to its warmth.
"Hello Shisui, how do you do?"
She speaks as if she has not seen him for quite some time.
Shisui frowns.
"Are you okay? You're bleeding."
She tracks his gaze to the line of red that is dribbling down her calf and pooling at her ankle. There is a mixture of fresh fluid and patches that have dried and peeled.
When she wipes the blood with the hems of her skirts, Shisui suddenly retracts with overt uneasiness. He gives a look that denotes his realisation of something, however, Honoka is unaware of the escalating embarrassment on his end.
"Sorry, I thought...never mind," he says tensely, "Just ugh do what you need to do."
He stares awkwardly at something behind her.
"Shisui, thank you for informing me..." she clenches at the unexpected surge of pain.
Strength and resiliency is an attractive feature.
"...but I am okay."
There is an element of forced reassurance as she speaks, but her tone is so incredibly vacant, Shisui may be oblivious to the undertone.
"That's fine. I'm not sure if there is anything I can do to help, considering it's something I'll never understand, but as your captain I'll do my best. I mean, Izumi would ugh probably be a lot more competent assisting you and understanding your situation..."
He waves airily and stares nervously at the ground.
"Izumi understands my situation?"
She hesitates, then speaks in puzzlement.
"Shisui, from what I have read, when someone understands another's situation, it can either mean they have shared feelings or have experienced the same thing as the other. May I clarify which category Izumi falls under?"
At her question, Shisui is looking bemused.
"Both? I mean, it is something women go through."
For several long seconds, Honoka holds the silence in a scrupulous attempt to dissect his words. Then she looks to her bloodied ankle, and notices the way it diverges in several directions.
"Shisui, are you perhaps talking about menstruation?"
He stares confoundedly at the blunt remark.
"Is that not what we have been talking about?"
There is a restive edge to his tone, as if he wishes to dismiss the issue as something benign.
"I do not menstruate."
She speaks monotonously without an ounce of emotional dysregulation.
"I'm sorry, I should not be making assumptions," he answers quietly.
"I believe it is normal for people to make presumptions about something that is inherently biological. When the majority of the population abide by the natural biology of human development, it is reasonable to assume that such notions are followed through. Exposure to the majority would naturally make people accustom to what is deem as normal and therefore such supposition and knowledge are to be expected."
She verbalises the comment in a manner that is akin to an educational discourse.
"That being said, and for the sake of reinforcing my explanation, I used to menstruate," she points to her abdomen, "but my reproductive organs have been removed, therefore I am no longer able to menstruate," she finishes.
Shisui does not immediately speak, but when he does, it is full of disconcertment.
"I feel this may be Danzo's work."
"Lord Danzo has assured me that it is for my own benefit considering the tasks I am required to do. His orders are absolute."
"You deserve to have your own rights too, regardless of who you work for," Shisui replies firmly.
"I belong to Root, and therefore I do not have a say in what I can and cannot do with myself."
Shisui's responding expression is piqued with multiple layers of bitter discontentment. Honoka may not comprehend such emotions, but her intuition processes the feelings on her behalf.
"Danzo enforcing those rules onto you, do you not see that as betrayal?"
The remark is significant in its meaning, but she cannot link the words to what one would call feelings.
"I believe trust and betrayal do not co-exist. Lord Danzo has given me a purpose, and that is to protect the village. I will follow through with his orders if it means the village is safe and protected."
"And if you had a choice to protect the village in your own way, is this what you would be content with?"
Choice? She does not remember a time when the concept of choice was presented to her. She obey instructions as if they have been programmed into her. But Shisui consistently challenges the way she perceives her world and the meaning behind the idea of conforming.
"I am unsure what you mean but if I had the freedom to select my own methods of protecting the village, I would like to remain solely in the laboratory. Exhausting one's mind, and enduring painful bouts of emotional frustration when complex chemicals arise is far less onerous than utilising the body for sexual purposes."
At the completion of her sentence, the ache suddenly transpires like a raw, burning gash.
"Honoka!"
She lets out a suppressed groan that manifests in short raspy bursts. The shooting spasm is excruciating.
Then she feels Shisui's hand on her shoulder, and the radiating comfort that accompanies his proximity.
"Lie down," he says.
When she obediently complies, he briefly peers over at her with an expression she has never seen. She is unsure of the reasoning, but it may be in response to the subservient position, and the way her hands are lying on either side of her head.
"Honoka, where is the pain?"
She brushes her abdomen.
"I'm going to slightly lift your blouse okay?"
Her nod precedes his action. And when she feels the heat of his chakra, there is an immediate suppression of that sharp discomfort.
"I'm not a medic, but I can do basic first aid and temporary pain control," he says.
For several minutes, he keeps the palliative warmth beneath a careful amount of controlled chakra. There is almost an analgesic effect to the healing, as if her sense of pain is distorted and she can only feel minute traces of them in sporadic intervals.
"You have several areas of internal bleeding in the abdominal region," Shisui says, "I don't know the extent of the injuries, but my chakra is dispersing a lot of blood."
When she does not speak, he continues in a bizarre glassy-like tone.
"I cannot do much more without touching the bruises, are you okay with that?"
"Yes, I am okay with that request," she answers.
In the microseconds before contact, she flinches in fearful anticipation. Her conscious may have disengaged, but her physical is wary of the impending touch. Years of conditioning inevitably diverged her mind and body in separate directions. There is compliancy and survival attached to the former, as if her existence is dependent on the need for her conscious to adapt. Yet the building resentment her body has is a constant challenge to her corporeal presence in the real world. But neither belong to her, so is there a reason to attach emotions and feelings to them?
Her mind may comprehend Shisui's imminent action, but her body anticipates the mounting pressure, and the thin, sharp fingers that would dig relentlessly into the delicate layers of her skin. And when the swelling and the bruising transpires, the action would continue, over and over, until her complexion blackens and her entirety paralyses itself into numbness. Trepidation would be at the forefront of her body - the way it would forcefully sustain against repeated beatings, and the simultaneous invading and re-invading motion.
It waits for it. Five seconds. Four. Three. Nothing. No pressure. No pain. Nothing. And though cautious, it is nevertheless curious, so it unravels itself from the numbness and revels in that new, unfamiliar sensation.
Shisui's touch is remarkably gentle for the way it is manipulating the surface of her damaged skin. His warmth is synonymous with the comforting layer of security and protection. It is a different form to what she is used to. Being in the company of someone she loves is vastly disparate to being touched by them.
"I've reduced the bruising, so the pain should subside," he assures, "Do you feel pain elsewhere?"
"Thank you, Shisui, I very much appreciate your assistance," she replies, "I believe you have taken care of the most problematic area, although I do feel some pain up here as well," she touches her breast, "You may inspect."
She takes the edge of her blouse and raises it higher. But Shisui suddenly halts her action.
"Uhh...sounds like the worst has been contained, so it might be better to leave the rest until you can see a medic tomorrow," he says uneasily.
"I see, then I will accept that recommendation."
"Also, Honoka, please inform me if you are not feeling well next time. It is my duty as captain to ensure that you are safe."
He gives her a look that indicates his suspicion of her deliberate concealment.
"I sincerely apologise for my reckless behaviour as I have read that it is a strength to be resilient during times of adversities. I wanted to show that I am strong."
She may not fully comprehend the sentence and how it translates to real life, but considering Shisui's overt disapproval, she has once again done something contrary to the norm.
At her comment, Shisui's expression hovers somewhere between solemness and impassivity.
"You don't need to do that," he says quietly, "You are stronger than anyone I know."
A/N: Dear wonderful readers, I have no excuse this time for the delay. There were at least ten new anime I discovered and spent an unnecessary amount of time watching. Regardless, I hope this chapter was worth the wait 💞 Please remember to take care of yourself when you read triggering content 🌸