open .dot. spotify .dot playlist/1WjVkDHaHwp36Goia24jKo?si=HiqnO6L4T6u99BLqZfqSMw
We don't remember if we mentioned before around here, but some readers in AO3 took to make instagram profiles for the characters... and we decided to join. It's all great fun, and we link there the playlists on Wednesdays. If you ever want to look around, these are the characters there are so far(feel free to join!). _lmi (Hikari), gilbertblythe_lmi, callmecordelia_lmi, bashfromtrini_lmi, justjosie_lmi, marycooks_lmi, beardad_lmi (this is me!), missrose_lmi (and this as well... because it had to be done)
Chapter 47
"Grade 12…" Anne said, thinking. "It feels so long ago. It's kind of blurry, now. Some details are, anyway," Anne acknowledged. Gilbert nodded, agreeing. He had forgotten many details as well. "Still, I think it's important."
"We were so excited when the year began, remember?" Gilbert said after a moment, reminiscing, his voice a little lost. Anne looked at him, half smiling as she recalled the energy of that fall when they went back to school. The summer had been so great.
"It was supposed to be the best year ever."
"What happened then? When did everything… turn so badly?" he asked, more to the void than to Anne.
She shrugged, her face sad. They stayed in silence for a while, neither talking. Anne thought back about those first months of the school year, the fall term when everything seemed to be as promising as ever. Gilbert had started studying for the entrance exam for the medical program at Queens, she for her pedagogy one. Cole had received his first commission for a paid portrait (from Aunt Jo, but still!), Diana was finally recovering from the downfall of her relationship with Jerry. The rest of the gang was… same as usual. Billy Andrews was finally no longer at school, which was a whole relief all on its own. They couldn't avoid him all the time, since he kept lurking around the school and was Jane's brother after all. But either way, that fall… It seemed like every dream was coming true.
And then came the winter term. Which brought Winifred along. And it wasn't like she came and everything went to hell in one day. They were still best friends, or that's what she thought. Until… something happened. At some point.
"I think it's hard to pinpoint just one thing, or one day, Gil," she finally said. He looked at her, remembering how close they were when the year started and how horribly they had fought at the end.
"There has to be a turning point, either way. I mean, I understand what you mean, that it wasn't one day… But there has to be something we can pinpoint," Gilbert said, his hands going to his hair in frustration. Anne looked at him. "I feel everything was right… And when I realized, we weren't even hanging out anymore. Which is strange, considering we used to do everything together before."
"Well… I remember you had to study more, once you decided you were going to apply for UofT and not just for Queens," Anne said, because she couldn't think of anything else that had changed other than Winifred. But for Winifred to be able to tear them apart, there had to be something. "It was much more competitive. So you were busy with that, and…"
"Winifred offered to help, since she was preparing a similar exam for her entrance in the UK and it was so different from the one for Queens, for which I studied with you," Gilbert finished. "Fuck. I feel so stupid. It's like… she creeps everywhere. She messed us back then and now," he added, frustration evident in his voice and in the hard set of his jaw.
"She hasn't messed anything up now, Gil. Not yet," she said, trying to look at the positives in the midst of all the tension that was around the subject. Gilbert looked at her, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise at her saying that. Was she living in a parallel world or what? "Wait, let me explain. She tried her best, I'll give her that, and she's freaking good at it, but the only thing she managed so far now is getting us to confront all the… all the things we have been ignoring for months. And let's face it, we had to talk about all this at some point."
"Well, at least we know we're getting it all out of the way," Gilbert chuckled in disbelief and Anne laughed, relieving some tension. They stayed in silence for a moment. Anne put the empty containers in the paper bag again. He motioned for them to stand up and he picked up the trash and they walked over to a trashcan nearby and then kept walking in one direction, a bit aimlessly. "So… The entrance exams."
"You started staying after school for hours to study with her, because she lived in the opposite direction," Anne recalled. "Which meant we never saw each other in the afternoons, because by the time you were home I was too busy with the chores at home and couldn't really go out," she explained.
"And we spoke everyday on the phone at first," Gilbert said. Recalling that, at the time, whatsapp was so new and they didn't even have a smartphone. They sent only occasional text messages. "Until Winifred started calling with weird bits of medical trivia, and I was too… interested in that."
"Because you were such a nerd with those things. And it all was so slow… like over the course of months, Gil, months . It's not like we stopped talking in the nights, just… the frequency was less and less frequent. I didn't even realize at the time. I felt so confident with you, with what we had… At the beginning it didn't even concern me. It's like… I took too much for granted, which is horrible all on its own," she explained, her tone sad. Maybe if any of them had been aware, or had realized, or had said something, anything… She bit her lip as she remembered something else. The moment she had realized she really loved Gilbert (to Diana's and Cole's excitement and relief).
"I don't even remember you talking with Winifred," Gilbert said suddenly. Because for all he was trying to remember any sort of conversation between the two of them, he couldn't find anything. Not until the very end, anyway, when he was dating her. Anne snorted.
"That's because we never spoke," she said. Gilbert looked at her, confused. "She… always talked with you. Or to you. But she pretty much ignored Diana, Cole and me. Just like the barest polite acknowledgement, but never anything beyond that. You really never noticed?"
"I don't remember her being rude to you," he confessed.
"She never was, Gil. Said hi when it was polite for her and ignored us the rest of the time. She can be many things, but probably the first time I've heard her be rude with me, or with anyone for that matter, was last Saturday," she said. "She had this superior attitude, yes, but wasn't outright rude. It probably didn't help how I was going at her either. It was a bit foul. But she was always… sickenly posh. We made fun of her most days, when you weren't around. Until it wasn't funny anymore."
"When wasn't it funny anymore?"
"Once I realized I liked you… Well, loved you, to be honest. Then it kind of lost the fun, because by then I realized how much time you two were spending together, how little we were... but the exams were so close and it didn't make any sense to talk to you about it and make you lose your study buddy. Not when the definition of your entire future was so, so close."
"Anne-girl… I feel so stupid right now. You knew you loved me then?" he asked her, his eyes open in disbelief at what he just heard, his eyebrows shooting up.
"Well, since April or something... probably May? but I couldn't… very well act on it. We were hardly talking by then, I felt you were slipping away from me, and telling you that… It would have spooked you. Or so I felt. I was more afraid of telling you and losing you than of keeping it to myself. And for me it was… kind of obvious how much Winifred liked you, and you spent so much time with her it was obvious for me how… much you should be into her, you know? And I wouldn't interfere. Not with your happiness, not with your future, but…" she trailed off, her voice lowering at each word. "It's stupid, now that I think about it," she finally added, barely in a whisper.
"You were miserable about it, right?" Gilbert provided as she stopped talking, lost in her thoughts. She nodded sadly. "And you were so tense all the time. So stressed. I couldn't point out what the problem was, because you were snapping at me every day, and instead of going and talking with you, I just… kept picking fights with you whenever you were in that mood, and then acting like we were best friends when you were in a better mood."
"That's… I mean, now that I understand a bit better where many of my behaviours come from, I understand I was just being… I was acting on my insecurities, like it was a defense mechanism. You can't hurt me if I push you away. It's… disgusting, and I kind of feel like I did so yesterday, as well," she said, her tone quiet, feeling a knot in her throat. Gilbert squeezed her hand and she looked up to him, finding just kindness in his eyes.
"The important thing, I would say, is that you're realizing you're doing it. Like your running habit. If you never accept it is a theme, then you can never put in any effort into changing it," he said. She nodded, and he got closer and gave her a small, tender kiss close to her mouth, caressing her other cheek.
"You're too nice for someone like me," she said.
"I believe in you, it's different. I choose to believe in you, and in the will and strength you're putting into this, because I love you and because I know those are some of the things that will either make us or break us. Same as I have things to work on. Such as being too nice," he replied gently. "We still had some great moments back then, I remember. Not everything was bad. And I still considered you my best friend, I don't think that ever changed."
"And I considered you mine as well… It's like it was the perfect setup for disaster," Anne said, frustrated. Gilbert nodded. "We really have to learn to communicate, Gilbert. Like, honestly. We went without each other for a whole decade just because of… sucking at communicating. And now the underlying issue with all our issues is that we don't talk. We really have to make it better."
"Well, considering we're talking about all this… I think we have a good chance? We just have to keep at it. We both learn from our mistakes, or I would like to believe so, at least," he provided. She smiled softly at him, reaching for his hand. He took it, sighing at how right it felt.
"I want to believe that as well. So… we had this perfect storm boiling and then we had that bonfire from hell. What did I even tell you then?" she asked, frustrated. It was one of the mysteries of her life and while she had kind of come to terms with how the memory wouldn't suddenly pop up in her mind, she wanted to be able to let it rest. "I honestly don't remember, Gil. I really have that blackout. I've never… exaggerated it. I just remember until we opened the second bottle of moonshine and then it's a whole really bad headache with nausea and Marilla telling me I have to do my chores because drinking my weight in alcohol isn't a good excuse."
"I… honestly don't remember," Gilbert replied, thinking back to that night. He would picture Anne in front of the bonfire, how her hair glimmered against the flames like it was fire itself. He could remember clearly how he felt, the general idea of her words and how they had crushed him in that moment. But he couldn't repeat what she had said. It was so long ago. So fuzzy, now. Even if it was a defining moment in their lives. She frowned, not believing him. He sighed, thinking about how to explain. "I don't remember the exact words, Anne. I don't even remember the whole night either, believe me. I also drank… well, not quite as much as you did, because you used to drink… way more than I did, but I was drunk as well."
"But the general sense? I mean, I get you don't have it word by word, but… something would be nice. Just to understand how… everything went downhill after that."
"Ok, let's see…" he started, and swallowed. It wasn't a memory he particularly liked. They were walking through the park and he was slowly directing them to a coffee shop he remembered was around. For once, not another Tim Hortons but a local place he always enjoyed. The coffee was so good there. "Look, Carrots, I may be wrong about the details because it was so long ago, what I remember most clearly was the general meaning and how I felt afterwards."
"That's… ok, I guess," Anne mumbled. "I mean, what you felt is why you went with Winifred, so it had to have some foundation," she explained, frowning. "Right?"
"Right," he replied, uncomfortable, his free hand going to the back of his neck. She squeezed the other one, trying to support him. She understood it couldn't be easy- their whole fallout had exploded with that night from which she had no memories and he did, even if broken and fragmented ones. She would be nervous as hell in his situation, like everything, all responsibility, was hanging on him.
"Gil, honestly. I'm not going to blame you. I just want it out so we can leave it behind for good. If we face it… we might be able to overcome it. Last time we talked about this, we didn't even talk about how it had happened or what led up to it," she tried to encourage him.
He nodded and started telling her how, at that point, he had lost any hope of her ever looking at him as anything more than a friend. A dear one, maybe, but just a friend. That they weren't even talking much anymore made him fear they were just going to be highschool friends, the kind that you remember years later and realize you didn't speak to after graduation. Winifred had been attentive, and it had served as a distraction from how heartbroken he felt about everything regarding Anne. He loved her, but couldn't see any way in which she would love him back, and so he had resigned.
Once on the bonfire… it somehow seemed like the last chance he would ever have of telling her how he felt. It was the end of year, he was pretty confident he had gotten into UofT, he felt he had nothing to lose when he felt like he had already lost everything. And the alcohol emboldened him and gave him the bravery he had lacked all the other times. So he had told her how much he loved her, but had made a very poor act of it. He couldn't even remember what he had said, but whatever it was, it had to have been lame or confusing, because Anne had insisted that there was no point in them getting together, ever, and that he really should go with Winifred, who was evidently madly in love with him.
He remembered trying to counter it, maybe even trying to kiss her, but she had insisted they were better off as friends and he should go follow his dreams. Which only seemed to align with everything he already thought she felt about the whole situation. Winifred had called him around then- she had a knack of always calling when he was out with the gang, and especially with Anne, he realized now. After hearing how heartbroken he sounded, she had invited him over to his uncle's house, where she was staying, promising a listening ear and some comfort. He didn't exactly remember all they had talked about that night or how, between his inebriation, frustration, anger and sadness he had found himself in her bed. Just that he had woken up in her room, the implications all too clear.
They had been together from that day on and he had tried not to question it and just go with the flow, so focused on trying to somehow erase Anne from how he felt. He was an inexperienced teen at best, and Winifred was so eager to explore… And sex was sex, back then. He was eager for it. It felt good and kept his mind off everything hard to process. It kind of worked, in a… painful way. Because he never really got over Anne.
Until Anne had seen them and had decided to… just shut him out, making him realize the extent of the mistake he'd made. But by then, it was too late. And some days later Winifred had used his jersey, and he had realized how messed up everything was. When he had broken things up with her, it had been the easiest thing, even when Winifred had insisted on them trying, on her being the perfect woman for him, on him just being with her. He couldn't do that, not when he knew he only loved Anne, even if she wouldn't ever talk to him again.
"Shit, I guess I never saw it from your side," Anne whispered as he finished telling the story. She had done her best to not interrupt him, because she could tell how much of an effort Gilbert was making to share this. He shrugged. "I'm so sorry, Gil."
"It is what it is, Anne-girl," he replied softly. "I'm not proud of it, mind you. I… literally used Winifred. Yes, we know she's not the nicest and she probably was looking more or less for this… development. I mean, I know she initiated it that night. But still, I feel like I used her."
"I wouldn't dwell on that right now… But if it makes you feel better, I think she enjoyed being used? Looked like it, anyway," she said, cringing slightly, remembering when she had seen them in the forest. Gilbert shook his head, annoyed. She swallowed. "I think… everything makes much more sense now. Why we were so messed up. I… don't remember anything. But from what I know I felt around that time… before the bonfire, I can totally picture myself telling you that. It's… It's not like you're guilty for any of that, Gil. It was both our doings, both of us not talking, my insecurities getting in between us, Winifred being the manipulative... individual she is… It was just everything together. If anyone is guilty of anything, it's the two of us."
"I suppose," Gilbert acknowledged, his voice quiet.
"So it really was shitty communication again? Fuck," Anne exclaimed, in disbelief of their joint stupidity.
"So it would seem," he replied, his voice sad. "I can't believe you loved me back then. I honestly thought… I mean, obviously, after everything we've gone through, I know you loved me at some point back then. But it's like I'm realizing now that when I was the most hopeless, you were as hopeless as I was… It's ridiculous. Makes me mad."
"If this whole thing teaches us anything, let it be that communicating can save years of heartbreak," Anne mumbled. Gilbert looked at her and smiled warmly.
"That's one good teaching, Carrots," he replied. He felt tired, but somewhat unburdened. He hadn't talked about that incident for many, many years. Not even when he had told Fred he had given those many details, and while draining, it felt good to get it out of his system, as Anne had predicted. "There's a coffee shop in the corner, do you want something?"
"I think I'm not supposed to drink much caffeine?" Anne said, unsure. "Not while we don't know if…"
"Of course," Gilbert said, the reality of Anne maybe being pregnant right then dawning on him and making him want to solve everything even faster. But he caught himself: pregnant or not, they would solve it and they would not rush it. He didn't care if they took a week and many talks and walks, they would not rush this. When was her period due, anyway? He knew about the previous month, when they had bought those tests… but he hadn't really kept track like he should have. "Decaf? Something with no caffeine in it?" he proposed.
"Maybe some chamomile?" she proposed. She felt tense, and maybe that helped her relax some. He nodded and they went inside the place. Anne looked around. It was a tiny place, but nice. Tables weren't open yet and they took their drinks outside to continue with their walk. They had been somewhat silent since going into the store and they remained that way for a couple of blocks, each enjoying their drink. "What was it like, afterwards?"
"Afterwards?"
"When I wouldn't talk to you, stubborn teen I was," she explained, her voice quiet, ashamed of how she had acted, impulsively and fixedly, as if the world was against her. The only person against her back then, against them, was herself. Looking back, it was ridiculous and immature and senseless. She really had been about the most immature 17 year old, probably. And as time went on, even if the pain never subsided, it became easier and easier to just ignore he had ever existed, to change the conversation, to not even think about the possibility of meeting him. Years had made the practice perfect. Gilbert sighed and made a general gesture, shrugging at the same time.
"Well… I tried to talk to you. Every way I could. It wasn't until then that I realized I might have been wrong… But you wouldn't listen to me, you wouldn't even read the letter I wrote to you…"
"What did it say?"
"That I loved only you, pretty much," he replied. He couldn't remember all the details, to be honest. He knew it had been honest and heartfelt. Anne bit her lips, feeling a knot in her throat. "It's… ok, now. It was hard at the time, especially when I saw you tear it into pieces without even reading it, but… The past few months I've been trying to focus on how you're in my life again and how we're together now, against all odds."
"I remember one day you just stopped pushing. Out of nowhere," she commented. Gilbert chuckled sadly.
"That was Matthew's doing," he explained. Anne looked at him, bewildered. "He asked me to stay off, to not pressure, explaining I had made my point clear with you and that if you ever wanted to contact me it was an easy enough task, but that you were only suffering with every attempt I made…" he explained. Anne furrowed her brow, remembering how she only wanted to be left alone, to not think of Gilbert, to think of how she could somehow get over her love for him and the betrayal she felt. Gilbert looked at her and he knew Matthew had been right. "And I didn't want you suffering. So I tried to take him to his word. He made me promise I would never contact you again or bother you or… just in general annoy you. And I did my best to keep that promise, even against… against what I felt I should have done."
"What do you mean?" Anne asked, looking at him curiously.
"When he died… I hold off because of that promise, and then Diana and Cole said you were bad enough maybe it was better I didn't come, in case I made it worse. That's why I didn't go," he said, his voice. "When I heard about Marilla being sick… I didn't want to bother you either, because you had shown no inclination to contact me when I had been in Avonlea and I knew you had a boyfriend then, so it seemed to me you had already moved on," he explained. Anne nodded. From his perspective, this made sense. He hesitated. That call… It had been a secret between Marilla and him. But they were talking, they were being honest, and he wanted to… at least get her to understand he wasn't able to break away like it had seemed. She looked at him. "I… called her, anyway. Explained a bit."
"You called Marilla?!" Anne exclaimed, surprised. "How come I never knew that?"
"We kept it as a secret between the two of us," he explained. No need to tell Fred was there, right? "It took me weeks to decide to make the call. But I finally got the courage and called her at the hospital. She died some days later, from what Diana told me. But I got to speak with her one last time."
"I… never knew you had done that," her voice came as a whisper, suddenly realizing that Gilbert had really never been that far away. She thought for a second about asking about the content of the conversation, but she realized she didn't need to know. The whole thing had been a secret between them. That he had shared it existed was enough.
"There was no way of you knowing, Anne-girl," he said gently. She nodded. They walked some more, deep in thinking. "Those were hard years. In general. At first I tried to close off everyone… Lucky Fred was paired as my roommate, otherwise I don't know what would have happened. I took so many courses most advisors kept telling me to lay off a little and enjoy Uni, but… It sort of helped me keep my mind occupied, you know? And Fred decided to go at my pace from second semester on, because… he's just like that. So that's why we both graduated early. He actually worked harder a couple of semesters to catch up. They were crazy years, but looking back, the study was what helped me keep some sanity."
"Gil, that sounds… so horrible," she murmured, appalled.
"It… It wasn't easy, Anne. But in Fred and Ella I found the family and support I needed here and we were so close. We still are, if it wasn't for this pandemic… You'd have seen much more of them. But if I found a brother in Bash when he first moved in with dad and I, I found other two siblings in Fred and Ella. Fred knows me probably better than Bash, by now, and Ella just… gets my quirks, somehow. She had no problem strolling around Toronto for a whole afternoon without talking when I wasn't in the mood for anything else."
"I'm so glad you found them," she said after a moment. "I was… I felt so out of place at first, that first night we went for dinner with them. But Fred was so welcoming and Ella was so nice… It felt like arriving at a welcoming home."
"Their house really is my home as well, Anne. In many ways," Gilbert explained. "I only left about two years ago. They were buying a house and proposed to me that we buy it between the three of us, you know?" he said. Anne looked at him, curious. "It just felt right. But… For all I love them, and for all I love them being together, I couldn't, well… Give up completely. I never really could. And as happy as I was with them and for them, it also broke my heart thinking I would never have any of that with someone," he continued, looking at the ground. Anne grabbed his arm and brought him to the side so they wouldn't be in the middle of the sidewalk and then caressed his jaw softly until he looked at her. He had had no idea how hard it was going to be talking about all this, even when he had felt he had come to terms with it and had talked it through with Fred several times. Anne looked at his glassy eyes and just hugged him. He hugged her back, finding the support and stability he needed in that moment.
"We'll have our own home. And you'll have all that. With a slightly mental redhead, yes, and not with whom I can see are the most reasonable and kindest humans ever, but you'll have it once we…" she started saying, but her voice broke and she swallowed, trying to manage the knot in her throat. She breathed deeply before talking again. "We'll solve this, Gilbert Blythe. We'll work through all this shitload of issues even if it's the last thing we do, but you're going to have a family and a home and we'll be together and happy, ok? We will work for it. We're both stubborn as hell, but we can focus that on fixing this and not on standing our ground."
She retreated a bit and looked him in the eyes. Slightly red eyes, same as hers were in the moment, she was sure. He nodded and exhaled shakily.
"Yes, Anne-girl. We'll do that," he said, and cleared his throat. She kissed him lightly and they resumed their walk. "Ella still thinks I shouldn't have moved out," he mentioned after a moment.
"You didn't explain why you were doing it?"
"I… kind of did. But not all the reasons I told you, just that I felt it was time for them to get their own place and that I thanked her for putting up with moping me for so many years."
"What did she say?"
"That I was being stupid and I should be with them, and if I ever met someone then it would be great for the four of us to be together," Gilbert chuckled. Anne looked at him and he explained: "She comes from the most strict, traditional background I know, and still she wanted this… very unconventional living arrangement."
"You never considered it?" Anne asked curiously. From what she knew about Fred and Ella and Gilbert… Weirdly, she could see the three of them living together.
"I… I never thought I would find someone. Even less be able to be with you," he said honestly. "So I didn't even consider her offer all that seriously, even when I know she meant it and Fred was equally on board with it. If it was up to them we would all be living together, probably. Now… It's not that I would be opposed to it, because it was great living with them and I know deep down it would work and you would love them as well, but it's more… It's more of a hassle? I don't know if they've changed their mind, I don't even know what you think about it, I… I don't know, Anne. It hadn't crossed my mind in a couple of years," he confessed. "What do you even think about this? I know Diana never understood it and I suspect she thinks there was a weird arrangement between the three of us that never existed, Bash just thinks I'm weird like that…"
"I think whatever works it's fine, whatever people think outside is irrelevant. You know I do get unconventional families. I still don't know how Matthew and Marilla managed to adopt me as siblings," she said. Gilbert living with his friends was something she could see. He had always had a busy family home, with his dad and the constant streaming of friends, then with Bash and later Mary joining… The idea of him living by himself was a bit strange, once she thought about it. "I wish I knew them better. Fred and Ella."
"You'll get to know them better," Gilbert reassured her. He couldn't wait for the pandemic to subside some so they could get to really know each other. He knew they would get along so well. He could totally picture Anne and Fred cooking, Anne and Ella sharing tips on different handcrafts...
"I know I will. They're not going anywhere and neither am I," she explained. Gilbert nodded, comforted. "So… anything you want to know about my… ten years? It kind of sounds like we were serving time, when you put it like this," she commented, making Gilbert laugh.
"I… You already told me the most important stuff, Anne. Unless there is something you want to share… I know about Marilla and Matthew, Green Gables, how Jerry lived with you, Lincoln and Daniel, how it was for you in BC…," he said, trying not to focus on how much he hated those two guys. She nodded. "Is there anything else I should know?"
"Not that it comes to mind," she said. He had covered the most important things.
"Ok…" he said, sighing. Then he remembered something. It was more curiosity than anything else, really. "How did you meet Roy? I mean, I know you studied with him, and you're friends with him, but… I honestly don't know much about how your friendship with him is."
"Roy… I met him in class. We shared many of the same ones, Queens not being huge and the pedagogy program quite small in itself. And then we had many similar interests, which only made us pick similar electives," she explained. "He was such a gentleman back then," she laughed. "So formal all the time. He has loosened up now, under Cole's influence mainly. But anyway, back then we started talking just about books and classes, at first. Such a breath of fresh air. We debated about the books, discussed the reading materials… At some point I thought he was hitting on me," she said, shaking her head slightly in disbelief. "It was absurd. I told him I was really not interested and he said that was a huge relief, because he wasn't in the slightest and thought I liked him."
"Really?" Gilbert asked, trying to picture the situation.
"It was ridiculous. But anyway, he told me… he was more into guys, and I said I had this great friend… You know, I was 17, I thought of course all gay guys had to meet the other gay guys and they would be happy forever," she explained. Gilbert chuckled. "So I convinced Cole to go to Queens for coffee one day, you know how he went to the other art institute? So I introduced them, and… Cole was absorbed by Roy. Like he couldn't take him out of his mind, and started to ask him out and everything. When he found out Roy is colorblnid…" Gilbert looked at her, astonished. She laughed. "Don't tell me you didn't now, Gilbert."
"I honestly had no idea about this. So Roy, renowned artist Cole Mackenzie's boyfriend, is colorblind?" he asked.
"He is, and it's hilarious to see Roy comment on whatever painting Cole shows him," Anne said. "That's also why he only ever wears neutral colors, hadn't you noticed?"
"I just thought that's what he liked," Gilbert shrugged. "So what kind of colorblindness does he have?"
"I don't remember… he can't see green and red, or something like that? He takes it all in great fun and can't care a bit about it, because he says that's just how the world has looked for him since he remembers, so…" she explained. Gilbert nodded, still surprised. "Anyway, of course Cole was mesmerized by the concept of Roy being colorblind. And everything else Roy is, because… They really seem made for each other. And I just kept… discussing the classics with Roy. It was nice. Eventually Lincoln started joining us, and well, you already know how that went," she continued. She paused for a moment, considering if she should delve into that, before deciding it wasn't worth it: she had already told much about Lincoln and to keep going back to it wasn't going to help in any way. Gilbert knew the most important stuff and last she had heard, he was married and living somewhere she didn't care enough to find out. Very unlikely he would pull off a Winifred. "But Roy was always there, and we have always had this… debates between the two of us in a way that is so different from Jerry, and Diana and Cole… He has never been into giving much advice. He doesn't really believe in that, for some reason. But he has this way of… knowing just what to ask, how to make you question yourself… I find sometimes that's better than someone telling me just what I obviously need to hear."
"He sounds really special."
"He really is. He might look quiet and shy and brooding, and he might be all that, but he has a golden heart inside, I promise. He's super gentle," Anne said. Gilbert nodded. He could actually see some of that. He hadn't seen Roy all that much- mostly when he went to PEI to visit and Cole was around with him. And every time he had seen Roy, it had given him a good feeling. They kept walking in silence, calmly.
He felt tired and emotionally drained and he knew they had barely begun. Looking at Anne, he knew she was as taxed as he was. They were both consciously putting everything they had in that talk as well as being very intentional on how they said things and what topics they covered, knowing the importance this chat had. And he felt they were talking more openly about what he knew were really difficult topics than they ever had with each other. He felt it was needed and that it would do them good, but still.
"I don't think we will be able to cover everything today, Gil," Anne said, her voice shy. He looked at her. "Don't get me wrong, I want to talk and work and fix all this, but… I feel so mentally tired already, and I want to have a clear head to discuss all this, you know? I fear I will get emotional and again say something I don't mean."
"I feel the same. I was actually thinking about it," Gilbert confessed. "What time is it?"
"It's… only two," she said, blinking in surprise as she looked at her phone. She would have said it was already late afternoon. He nodded. "So early."
"What about we start walking back to the car and see if we can cover one more… topic?" he proposed. He didn't want to say issue. Even if they were. Anne nodded. "We can change the route a bit. Once there we can reevaluate and see if we want to continue today, or later, or another day."
"It sounds fair," she acknowledged. He signaled a change in direction and Anne walked alongside him. It was a nice neighbourhood and Gilbert clearly knew his way around. They walked in silence for a moment, each lost in thought.
Anne went over what they had just discussed again and again, trying to imagine Gilbert the past few years. The pieces she had collected over the past few months coming together. It broke her heart slightly to think about Gilbert in the way he described himself over that time. She was even more grateful with Fred and Ella, who seemed to have been there for him more than she had ever thought. She wondered what would have happened if he had bought the house with them. Would they have received her? How would that have worked? How would her relationship with Gilbert have evolved in that situation, with Fred and Ella constantly around?
Trying not to dwell more in the past, which he knew was a lost cause, Gilbert tried to focus on what they had set themselves to discuss, if not today, at least soon. Going over everything that had happened, expressing it into words, finally talking it through with Anne after so many years was bringing him a relief and a liberation he had not imagined, and he understood better what she had meant before. They needed to discuss that before moving forward. Without facing what had happened years ago, and how they had come to not speak for ten years, they would never be able to truly move forward. But now that it was done, he would not dwell on what ifs . Yes, he could have said yes to Fred and Ella. Yes, he could have ignored Winifred's call that night, and probably nothing would have happened between them, and then all the big fallout with Anne could have been avoided. But what did he gain for thinking about that? Nothing.
So he would focus instead on what they still needed to talk through. They had spoken about Anne going away. Which made sense, especially since they were walking around his old neighborhood in Toronto because of that. And he actually appreciated Anne apologizing more than he would have imagined. She… had hurt him more than he had been willing to accept, and her apology with a plan to not make the same mistake again was something he felt he could trust. Yes, there was a chance she might go away again. He would do his best so she didn't feel the need and he knew she would be making her best effort. But even if she did again… She already knew she had a problem and would work on it with her therapist. That gave him hope. Still, he wanted to go back to that once they covered the future, which would probably be last.
And they had covered the past, both shared and not. She wanted to talk about his politeness and boundaries, and the way he kept protecting her, which still had him annoyed with himself. How could he contradict himself so much?! It was infuriating, and she had every right to be mad at him. He was mad at himself. Oh, and she also wanted to talk about her writing. What in particular, he had no idea, but he wanted to believe her when she said it wasn't in the same direction as the previous day and that she hadn't meant any of that.
"So…" he said gently. Anne looked at him. Clearly he had made her lose track of her thoughts. "I was thinking we could talk about the boundaries and protectiveness and all that?"
"That makes sense... I feel that after addressing the past, they are the major blocks we have," she said.
"And we kind of need to figure that out before we even consider the future," Gilbert said. He scratched the back of his neck, thinking how they could best start this topic that they both knew was so emotionally charged. Anne bit her lip, walking along him. They continued for a couple of blocks in silence.
"You know what? We have to start somewhere or we'll just keep walking in silence," she said.
"That's true," he acknowledged, letting out a deep breath. "So, protectiveness. I have some thoughts on that, but would love to hear yours first."
"Right. So," Anne said, inhaling, thinking on how to formulate everything so that they could talk civilly about it. She really, really didn't want to get into another discussion. She sighed and Gilbert looked at her, patiently. "Gil… it's not that I don't appreciate it when you try to protect me. You do make me feel safe and… cherished, and loved. It's just that… the way you do it sometimes makes me feel like… I'm a child. Or I'm breakable. It's just the way I feel with how you go about it, and while it got me super mad over the past days… I think this might not be your intention. At all. So… There has to be a different way. Or something we can do in some situations," she said. She spoke brokenly, slowly, as she collected her thoughts, trying her best to not accuse, to tell him how she was feeling and where she was coming from. "And I know I overreacted. My god, when don't I? And… It wasn't conducive to solving anything. But… I don't want to feel like a breakable kid that needs protecting. Not in relation to you. We really need to be equals, Gil. Or this… this won't work," she concluded, her voice quiet. Gilbert didn't reply immediately and they walked a moment in silence.
"Anne… I've told you before. I want us to be a team. Equals. I… never had any intention to make you feel that way, and I apologize for that," he said. "You're one of the strongest persons I know. Everything you've gone through in life, and being able to have your spirit, your will… Anne, it's amazing. I admire you so much. But… I've been doing you a disservice with the way I've handled some topics over the past few weeks. It's… I spoke with Fred yesterday before you called me, because he always helps me get my thoughts in order. I hope you don't mind?" he asked, unsure, looking at her. She shook her head. She had spoken with Roy, right? "So… talking with him, I realized there's… this gap, this contradiction. There's this way I think, where I see you like the strongest and most resilient woman I know, and then the way I've been acting, where I treat you, as you mentioned, as someone breakable or who couldn't handle things."
"I… can see that. And I'm not as strong as you think, Gil. You're exaggerating. I know I'm not all weak, but you are going to another extreme."
"But you are strong, Anne. And every day that goes by you're stronger and more resilient, and seeing you the past few months, since you started talking with Patel… Honestly, it's been amazing seeing you flourish like this."
"Only to have me have this meltdown and run away."
"We both have things to work on, Anne. If I had been straight since the beginning and I had treated you the way I see you… You probably wouldn't have run away," he sighed, rubbing his eyes with his free hand. "It's… I just can't get over it. How we both took the worst possible decisions in every stage of this, just making it worse and worse."
"We do have a talent for making a storm in a glass of water," she mumbled. "And honestly, Gil… I do appreciate it when you take care of me. I… feel like I matter, like I have a home. Like the times you get me something when I get my period and I feel all shitty? Or back when we were teens, when I couldn't handle Billy on my own and you stepped in a time or two…"
"Ok… So it's not that I should completely stop this, then?" he asked, just to confirm. Because he knew he had been wrong about many things lately, but he couldn't very well picture a life where he wouldn't take care of Anne in one way or another.
"No!" she exclaimed, making him laugh. She laughed as well. "Please, don't, Gil. I mean… Not those things."
"I was just thinking… I didn't want to stress you with all that was happening, but keeping you in the dark caused a lot of problems, but more than that… What irks me as well is that I feel like I didn't see you as strong enough to handle it. When what I should have done was tell you from the beginning and be there for you and… Just be there if you needed me, you know? But how are you supposed to become stronger and more resilient if you're hidden or sheltered from anything that I think might cause you some pain? What ever gives me the authority to decide that?"
"Exactly!" she acquiesced. "That's what I meant. I do get why some people don't want to be close to something that makes them uncomfortable… It does seem like the easy way out. As if it was the "safe" way. But the more I think about it, it's just the perfect recipe to make you even more vulnerable and fragile. I have to be able to confront things and to handle even when people don't think the same way I do, and even when they want to go around expressly to cause me some sort of harm."
"Makes sense. That's kind of what I was thinking yesterday, when I realized how much I fucked up. I mean, on top of all the other ways I did, but I hadn't seen that and it's… appalling, really. There's no other way to describe it."
"Right... And being all isolated in my bubble, whether I define its limits or you do, won't help me in the long run. I'll just become more fragile and sheltered and that's not how the world works. Strength and resilience can only grow as I use them and exercise them. And I need you on my side with this, Gil," she said, her voice slightly fragile but determined, looking at him in search of reassurance. He was as steady as he was most of the time and squeezed her hand gently.
"You will have me, Anne. As with your… running habit," he said softly, "I might go the wrong way at some point. It's… really ingrained in me taking care of you. Fred thinks this might have to do with the night you had the nightmare and I called him in, as if I haven't been able to let go completely…" he said quietly. Anne looked at him, curiously. She couldn't believe he was still thinking about that night. "And he might be right. It was shocking and frightening and… I didn't know what to do. Which is why I called him. I was in panic and I didn't know how to handle it."
"Gil… I had no idea you were still hung up on this."
"I hadn't really thought about it for weeks, Anne," he confessed. "But what he says makes sense. I mean, I always want to care for you. That's a given. But lately it's more like I'm in an over-protective mode and just generally overcompensating. It's… not ideal, as it leads to many bad decisions, but now that at least I'm aware of it, I can work on it and be more conscious about why and how I'm doing things."
"That sounds fair," Anne replied.
"I'm sorry it took all this for me to realize this," he mumbled.
"It's fine, Gil… It's not like you were the only one exhibiting poor judgement around, remember my running habit? We'll just have to… be aware. Maybe do some sort of plan for this?"
"How, make a plan?"
"Well… Maybe some kind of check-in? Like we could talk every couple of weeks about this topic, your overprotectiveness, and see how it has been evolving and correct the course if necessary," she explained.
"That actually makes a lot of sense. We could do that, Carrots. Like every couple of weeks, go for a coffee and just… talk about us. See what has happened, what we feel we could improve… It makes sense," he repeated. Anne smiled at him.
"At least if something is happening it's more likely we catch it on time and I can prevent running away and you can prevent being over protective," she said. He smiled at her. "And if I feel the urge… then I tell you and we see what to do. Maybe just telling you it's enough. Maybe I go for a walk around the block and come back or something, I don't know," she thought aloud. Gilbert nodded. They could do that.
"Well, other than covering grade 12, it seems we have some… kind of tool, or of preventive measure to keep all this from happening again," he commented. Anne laughed softly in relief. "We should have done this ages ago."
"Like ten years and counting," Anne mumbled.
"That's true… Well, keeping in line… We could try and cover the politeness and boundaries thing?" he proposed. He felt much more optimistic about the whole thing now and, as she had mentioned, this made part of the major block they still had. Anne nodded. They were about halfway back to the car, walking at a leisurely pace. They continued in silence for a few minutes more. He was debating whether it was a good idea to bring the subject at all… but eventually, it had to be done. "Anne… I think we can't avoid talking about Winifred in all this. I understand yesterday you said it wasn't about her, and I get this whole thing is bigger than her and refers more to my general attitude, but if we don't talk about her, we will just keep…"
"Avoiding the subject?" she provided, as he seemed to struggle on how to name what they were doing.
"Yes. And avoiding anything doesn't make it go away. It just… makes it explode at a later date, in a way worse manner," he said. She nodded, frowning slightly. "It's not that I enjoy talking about it, believe me."
"I know. I just wish we could bury the whole subject and forget it, but I know it doesn't work quite that way," she said, annoyed. She didn't particularly want to talk about Winifred, but she also knew Gilbert was right. "So… how do we go about it?"
"Well… We both know she was only playing with us, right?" he asked, because he was fairly certain that's what had been going on. It made no sense at all that she was going to move to Canada.
"Do we?" Anne asked, unsure. "I mean, I know now that most of what she said to me was a lie. I get that. But how can you be so certain about her not coming here and… just slowly crawl back into our lives?"
"I think it's very unlikely because of the amount of work she would have to put into it, just to annoy us," he sighed. "I can't be 100% certain, and I was thinking about… doing something about it. But Anne, for a doctor to move countries and practice elsewhere… It's not very straightforward. It's a long, bureaucratic process that most of the time isn't worth it, especially not when you already have some kind of practice."
"What were you thinking about doing?"
"Talking with dr. Yang. Explaining the situation. See if there is some way, if she ever applies to work here in Hamilton, which again, I think it's highly unlikely, that at least he lets me know before so we can prepare ourselves and make any decisions we need to make at the time," he explained. She nodded, the frown still on her forehead. "I know I wouldn't be able to stop her from working here, not if the board wants her for some weird reason. But if it comes to that, we can re-evaluate and see what to do. I can only ask for a warning," he explained, a little bit frustrated.
"I hope you're right and she doesn't come," she mumbled. "You mentioned something about a practice?"
"That. Yes. So Fred did a bit of research and looked her up. You know how… curious he is," he explained. She nodded. How Fred found time for everything was a bit confusing. "She has a plastic surgery clinic in London. It's still quite small, to be honest, but apparently it has a good reputation… And you know how she was, do you think it's likely she will leave her posh London clinic to move to a teaching general hospital in Hamilton, of all places, just to bother us? Even she isn't that crazy," he said, making Anne laugh briefly. "It's not like the best city in Canada or anything. We all know that. It has more of a dodgy reputation."
"Ok, so it's likely she won't appear around here," she said in relief.
"Not to live, I don't think so, Anne. I won't put it beside her to want to cause trouble if she ever comes to Toronto, but that's where we have to be prepared," he said. She bit her lip. They walked in silence for a moment. "So… We both have blocked her everywhere we can think of. She could try to contact me through the hospital, but I already told the secretary we have in oncology to filter her calls and just let me know if she ever calls. Which, if she does, you'll know straight away and we'll decide what to do. Together."
"Ok… Thank you," she said.
"It's what I should have done when she started commenting on the photos," he said. Anne nodded.
"Aren't there… like conferences or something? I mean, there were in education, I would think it normal for similar events to happen in the medical field."
"There are. Usually they are related to a specialty," he explained. She looked at him.. "Like oncology, or psychiatry… There are also general ones, but usually I just go to oncology ones, and only if there is a panelist or some research that interests me. I don't particularly like going to those things… I feel it's more social than anything else and it bothers me a bit. Anyway, considering she's a plastic surgeon, of all things, I don't think she will go to oncology conferences. If she was focused on reconstructive surgery she might, and that's a fleurishing field, but according to Fred she's more into… implants and lipoplasty and things like that. Not particularly what oncologists look for. So chances of crossing my path with her… are slim"
"Good to know, then."
"However…" Gilbert said, wanting to be upfront. Anne looked at him. "Her dad is a renowned oncologist and he has done a good number of advances. I've never seen him in any conference I've been to in the last five years, but I can't say I never will. It's not like you get a list of everyone attending."
"Well, but it's her dad… Have you ever met him, anyway?"
"No. Never. She lived with her uncle, remember?" he asked. Anne shrugged, not really having paid much attention to Winifred's living arrangements back then. "I don't think I would even recognize him, because the last time I saw a photo of him was when we were in high school. And I've seen his name in papers and research."
"Ok, so her dad… Probably it doesn't even matter if you see him, unless she decides to tag along," she said. He nodded. "What if she does?" he looked at her questioningly. "What if you're in a medical conference, and she decides to tag along? What then?"
"If I ever see her, I'm telling you, Anne. I'm not keeping that information from you, not after all this. I'd like to think she would maintain her distance after all I told her last week… But either way, I wouldn't go to where she is to say hi if I can avoid it," he explained.
"So you wouldn't go out of politeness to say hi?" she asked skeptically. He was taken aback with the question, and didn't reply, thinking about the situation. She sighed, thinking of how to say what she wanted without being accusing or rude. This had to be one of the most taxing conversations in her life. Not only everything they were talking about, but the intention she was trying to put behind everything, the way she was thinking about the phrasing and the words. And she could tell Gilbert was doing the same. "Gilbert… I think it would be best for both of us if you didn't say what I would wish to hear but what you would actually do."
"It's just… I know I should avoid her. And I would, within reason. But what do I do if she stands in front of me? It's not like I can turn around and pretend it didn't happen, that's… plain rude," he said. Anne looked at him, hoping he would continue. "If she didn't stand in front of me, I would go as far as possible so she didn't see me. That works. Even if I feel it's a bit childish to hide like that, I could do it if it makes you feel better. But in the case she goes wherever I am and she greets me… I'll have to reply, Anne, I'm sorry. I won't engage in conversation and I'll excuse myself as soon as I can, but I can't just…"
"You think I'm being childish?" she asked, thinning her eyes. He better explain. Because if anything, right now, she wasn't being childish.
"I think we both have many reasons to be apprehensive of Winifred, but that us behaving as adults is another thing. You're not being childish, but I still would have to behave as a polite person," he explained. Anne sighed. That was true. She breathed deeply, doing her best not to be irrational and defensive. He did have a point. And she knew she was reacting this irrationally just because they were talking about Winifred. If she replaced the blonde woman for any other woman in the world, she couldn't care less about if Gilbert sat with her or made small talk. She didn't even care enough for him to tell her, it was his life. He watched her breathing and let her collect her thoughts for a moment. "Look, I see your point. And if this situation ever happens, which I think it's highly unlikely, I will tell you about it. But I can't be that rude. I'll greet her politely and then go on my way. I won't engage in conversation, I won't sit next to her."
"Going by what you told me last week, I almost feel like she would follow you around like a lost puppy," she commented, mildly annoyed. Because she understood Gilbert wasn't going to go sit with her, that much was obvious. But they were talking about Winifred, who seemed to have some sort of obsession.
"She… You're right. I honestly think it would be good for her to see some kind of doctor, who does something like what she did last week?" he asked without even expecting an answer. Anne shrugged. "We're talking about things that might never happen, Carrots. But if they did, and she had this stalking attitude to top it all… Then I would probably be texting you to let you know how concerning her behaviour still is and venting, and then looking for a way to maintain some kind of distance. Because I wouldn't want to be near her either way, and there's always a way to get away. I can make excuses for her, Anne. I just… Need you to trust me in this," he said, trying to not get annoyed. He could tell Anne's patience was running thin now, even if they were only talking about a fictional scenario.. "Look, I understand why you are apprehensive. We both are very sensitive about her and we have reasons to be. I mismanaged the whole thing before. But I do learn and I'm not completely daft. You will be the first to know, and I won't engage with her any more than absolutely necessary. Can you live with that?"
"I guess I have to," she replied, frustrated. He frowned, looking at her. "Look, Gil, I do see your point. It's a sensible one. And I also see I'm reacting this way because it's Winifred and we just went through many things because of her," she explained. He nodded. "If it was anyone else in the world, a silly doctor, a nurse, whoever… I couldn't care less. I know you know how to tell women off, you managed for five years, for god's sake. You know best, you don't even have to tell me. But with Winifred… I just can't. So… please forgive me if I'm apprehensive about the whole thing," she excused herself, looking away as she tried to manage her feelings and the frustration she felt at them.
"It's normal you're apprehensive, Anne. I am too. I don't want to see her, and we're talking about a hypothetical situation that might never happen," he said, trying to comfort her and to not lose sight of what they were talking about: something that might never happen. They were just preparing in case it did. She nodded. "I wish I could tell you I will never see her by chance anywhere, but I think what we can do is work on what we should do if that ever happens, and to be confident in our relationship so that she isn't a threat to us."
"I just can't stand her. Or the idea of her. Or what she implies," she replied, her voice annoyed even when she tried to control it. "I feel like she will manage to crawl in between us and… I just can't deal with her," she concluded, looking away and trying to compose herself. They had gone through all that conversation without her melting down or exploding, which was a feat on its own, and she wanted to maintain it that way.
"I know. But can you trust us? Because that's what matters, in the end. Can you trust me, and the both of us together?" he asked, looking at her. They were finally in front of the car and they stopped next to the passenger door. She looked up to him, at first reluctantly but then with the ease of knowing they were solving this and she could trust Gilbert. Believe in them two? That was an easy question. She nodded. "If we're strong together she won't be able to get in between us, Anne-girl. We won't let her," he assured her, looking in her eyes. He took both her hands into his, caressing their backs with his thumbs. He couldn't promise that blond woman would never appear again, but they were better prepared now and they would do better.
Anne nodded again, and reached to hug him. They had been walking for a while, and it had been good for them to talk, but she wanted the comfort of his arms. He wrapped them around her immediately, instinctively, and gave her a sweet kiss on the top of the head as she breathed in his scent, burrowing her face in his light sweater. They stayed like that for a moment, just breathing. Neither wanted to talk. They had done nothing but talk the whole time they'd been together that day and while every minute of it was worth it, they also missed just being with each other.
"I don't think we're done talking about boundaries," she mumbled against him after a while, not letting go of him. She wasn't quite ready yet.
"I don't think so either," he replied softly. "But I also think we need to stop for today."
"Yes. This is tiring and I don't want to say anything I don't mean," she explained. "It's been hard enough, and the more tired I am, the harder it gets."
"So, what about we continue tomorrow?" he proposed gently, finally letting go of her. She looked at him.
"That sounds fair."
"Perfect. Also… You know how much I want you home. But I also think… This small space, even if it's just a day, has helped us to gather our thoughts, to be able to have this conversation… What do you think?" he said. He thought it might be a good idea for her to stay at Cole's at least until they were done with the most pressing issues instead of going home and having to avoid them until they were ready to continue talking.
"I think you're right," she said, relieved at his words. "I can stay at Cole and Roy's, I know they have no problem. And we can talk tomorrow when you're off work. Maybe you can talk with Yang during the day, like you mentioned?"
"I'll see if he has some space in his schedule, or if not I'll ask to talk with him this week," he acquiesced. "And I'll be here around six… It's in the opposite direction of traffic, so it should be fairly quick. What do you think?"
"It sounds like a plan," she smiled at him. He nodded. "Gil… Thank you for all this. I know I should probably have it together by now, but… It's not that easy. I'm not giving up and I will keep working on all this, but..."
"Don't worry about it. Thank you for listening to me as well. I've done my fair share of messes in this whole thing. I've… I've been alone for so long, I don't know much about how to be in a relationship, even if it's the one thing I want in life. To be with you," he explained. Anne smiled sadly at him.
"And I don't really have the best experience with relationships, so I'm way more defensive than what is needed," she added. He nodded.
"We'll figure it out. I'll open up more, and we will work on ourselves. I… go back to what I said earlier. I have faith in us, Anne. I know we can do this. I know we can have a healthy, happy relationship. It's work… And it's hard… But it will be worth it," he said, looking at her with a small smile.
"It will. We will have our own family, Gilbert Blythe," she replied, smiling softly, and he leaned in to kiss her softly.
"Let's go. I'll drop you at Cole's, maybe I'll go in and say hi if they're up for it?" he proposed. She nodded brightly, feeling much better than before.
saraielianals: Thank you for your good wishes! We're glad you're still enjoying the story. About what you mention about how Anne and Gilbert deal when without the other, and the parallel with the original story, there might be some inspiration there. As you mention, it's not that it goes all the way to toxic on Gilbert's side, and he does manage to get on with living, but it is harder for him to reconcile a world without Anne in it- it took a lot of effort form Fred and Ella to get him to a "reasonable" point. Anne, as you mention as well, does try more, even if she sometimes gets it wrong- hence Lincoln and Daniel existing. But she stands up and keeps on trying. And that passage you quoted? So nice and fitting. We hope to see you around next week! Take care :)