Chapter Forty- Seven: The Letter

"Emma, you've been coming here for a week now," Archie said.

"Yep!" Emma said "It's been pretty great,"

"Yes, it has, but…"

"But what?" Emma interrupted him.

"Therapy it's not to talk about your day," Archie said "I mean, it's not only for that"

"I don't only talk about my day," Emma said defensively.

"No, you also talk about the things you ate"

"See?" Emma said "It's not only about my day"

"Emma," Archie said "I'm aware that you have recently ended a relationship,"

"I didn't end anything," Emma said "She did"

"Is that something you want to talk about?"

"Not particularly, no," Emma said back.

"Why did you decided to come to therapy?" Archie asked.

"Well, when you hear two people telling you on the same day that you need help, you might as well go get it," Emma said.

"Who said you need help?"

"Elsa," Emma said "And Regina"

"And why did they say that?" Archie asked.

"I kinda lost it a few months ago,"

"What do you mean by that?"

"I've done things that I shouldn't have"

"That's pretty vague, Emma"

"I just don't want to talk about it" Emma shrugged.

"Why did Regina break up with you?"

"I said I don't want to talk about it,"

"Why is it so hard for you to talk about it?"

"Because that's…personal"

"This is a safe place, Emma," Archie said "Whatever you tell me it's confidential"

"I had someone, before Regina," Emma said "It didn't end well"

"Okay,"

"I guess I sort of transferred that bad relationship onto my relationship with Regina"

"And what did you transfer?"

"I can't" Emma rose from the couch "I can't do this. I'm sorry I'm wasting your time, Archie"

"Emma, it's perfectly normal to feel like you can't talk about something from your past," Archie said "It takes time and trust and…"

"I don't want to talk about my feelings," Emma said.

"Then why don't you write them?"

"What?"

"If you feel like you can't talk about your past and your feelings," Archie said "Write them down on a letter"

"And then what?" Emma asked, "Give it to you?"

"If you want to, yes," Archie said "But I think the most important thing right now is for you to acknowledge those feelings"

"I'm aware of them, Archie"

"No, you are not," Archie said "You know they exist, but you don't face them"

"I face them every day," Emma said "I lost Regina because of them"

"You lost Regina because you don't acknowledge them"

"I have to go, Archie," Emma said already twisting the doorknob.

"Just think about it, Emma," Archie said "What harm it will do to put everything down on a paper?"

Emma looked at Archie for what felt like a very long time before opening the door to leave the office. She sat down inside the bug trying to control the anger that took over her body even though she couldn't tell why she was so upset. Perhaps it was because of the possibility to relieve things from her past, things that she had put behind her. Things she wanted to forget. What would that help? Why talking about the past was so relevant now? What would it really accomplish? She knew she fucked up and she knew she had to be better, she didn't need to pay a visit to the past to figure that out.

Emma took big breaths, in and out, in and out again. Her head was spinning uncontrollably with thoughts from the past, with images of her and Lily and…him. Emma needed to come down but her hands were shaking now and suddenly the bug started to get dark, just like her thoughts and Emma felt like that darkness was going to consume her even though she didn't want that. Her heart started to race inside her chest and Emma couldn't see anything but Lily, she was right there, right in front of her smiling. She was saying something but Emma couldn't understand what she was saying, and she wanted to go to her because she looked so lovely and there was this glow around her that Emma just needed to touch but then everything started to get dark again and Lily's face changed into something horrible and then there was him, he was right behind her and Emma felt angry again, her hands close into a fist and she wanted to hit something, anything just to make the images go away when suddenly her phone rang inside her jacket.

Emma closed and opened her eyes several times until the images from her past disappeared. Her phone rang and rang and rang inside her jacket but Emma couldn't acknowledge what that meant. Her phone stopped ringing and Emma buried her face in her hands. Why now? She was over this, she was over Lily, she didn't love her anymore, she knew that. So why was she still haunting her? It had been three years since she last saw her and ever since she left Boston, she hadn't thought about her, not even once. The only other person Emma ever talked about what happened between them was Elsa and even when she did, she couldn't bring herself to feel anything for the woman anymore. She was over her. So why was this happening now?

Emma's phone rang inside her jacket again and she nearly jumped at the sound. Fuck who the hell was calling her? She really hoped it wasn't from the station, she had absolutely no condition to go in to work tonight. Emma fished the phone out of her pocket and looked at the screen. Elsa was calling her. Emma let out a breath of relief and slid her phone on the screen to answer.

"Hi, Els," Emma said.

"Emma?" Elsa said, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing?" Emma tried to laugh "Why?"

"You sound…different"

"Everything is fine" Emma lied "What's up?"

"Are you on your way home?"

"I am, yes,"

"Oh, good," Elsa said "Look I ordered pasta for us from that new Italian place that opened close to the pier. You know the one?"

"Yeah, I do," Emma said.

"They just called saying the delivery person didn't show up to work. Do you think you can stop by and pick up our dinner?"

"Yeah, sure," Emma said "I can do that"

"Oh good," Elsa said "Hurry up, okay? I'm starving!"

"I'll do my best" Emma laughed.

"Okay, see you soon"

"I'll see you soon, Els,"

Emma turned off the phone and shoved it inside her jacket pocket again. She turned on the engine and maneuvered the car out of the parking lot. The drive to the restaurant was quick and by the looks of the parking lot, they had a full house tonight. Emma smiled when she opened the car door because that was such a small-town thing, a new place opens and everyone in town wants to check it out until it's not news anymore. That was the kind of thing that made her roll her eyes when she first moved to Storybrooke but now, she quite loved that. It was amusing.

"I'm sorry, but we are full," A young woman said when Emma opened the door.

"I'm just here to pick up an order," Emma said "It's under the name Elsa"

"Oh, yes" The young woman smiled "Your order is actually ready. I'll be right back with it.

"Thanks"

Emma looked around the restaurant while she waited for her order. It was a nice restaurant, very cute with nice Italian aesthetics without looking too much like a cliché. The smells coming from the kitchen were amazing and Emma couldn't wait to try the food. Her eyes kept on roaming over the restaurant until her eyes locked with a pair of brown eyes that she knew who it belongs to even before her brain process the rest. Regina! Emma looked at where she was sitting, noticing the blond woman sat across from her. They were on a date again and Emma felt her insides twist violently in her stomach.

"There you go," The young woman said.

"How much?" Emma asked quickly.

"It was paid online,"

"Thanks,"

Emma grabbed the bags and walked out of the restaurant as fast as her shaking legs could carry her. Fuck! She was not ready for that, not tonight. Seen Regina going out on dates with other women was just too much for her, and Emma felt like crying and hitting something all at the same time. Emma kept on walking, not even hearing the soft sound of the waves crashing or the sharp click of heels on the pavement behind her.

"You have got to stop stalking me,"

Emma froze with her key inside the lock. Regina's voice caught her by surprise and once again she didn't exactly register what did the words meant when she slowly turned around to face her.

"What?" Emma asked.

"Stop stalking me," Regina said slowly.

"Oh my God, Regina," Emma said feeling tired "I am not stalking you"

"Then what are you doing here?"

"Elsa ordered dinner," Emma said waving the food bags "I just came to pick it up. I had no idea you would be here…with her"

"Sorry, I…" Regina said "I'm sorry I presumed. That was…That was uncalled for"

"I get it," Emma said.

Regina turned around to live and Emma felt her heart squeeze inside her chest having to watch her go. Go away from her. Go to that other woman.

"Do you like her?" Emma asked.

"What?" Regina said turning around.

"This woman, do you…Do you like her?"

"It's too soon to tell, but yes," Regina said "I do"

"Were you happy?" Emma asked, "When you were with me when we were together before all of this…Did I made you happy?"

"You did," Regina said "In a way, I have never been before"

The words felt like a punch to Emma's stomach and this time she didn't try to stop Regina when she walked away from her.

By the time Emma arrived at the loft, she was a mess. She had cried all the way home, thinking about how could she possibly have fucked up something so good. How could she have done that to Regina? How could she have done that to herself? She walked up the stairs feeling numb, the hunger she was feeling before had gone away completely and the very idea of eating made her feel sick.

"Hey," Elsa said when Emma opened the door "Oh my God, Emma! What happened?"

"I ran into Regina," Emma said putting the begs on the counter.

"Oh, no," Elsa said "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, I'm tired," Emma said, "I think I'm just going to bed earlier"

"Hey, come on," Elsa said "Have dinner with me. Let's just watch something really bad for your brain on tv"

"Thanks, Els," Emma said "But I'm not hungry. I think I just need to sleep the day off"

"Okay," Elsa smiled sympathetically at her "I'll put yours on the fridge. You can take it to the station tomorrow"

"Thanks, Els," Emma said "Goodnight"

"Goodnight, sweetie"

Emma crashed on the bed the moment she entered the room. She stared up the ceiling but her mind was a mess of thoughts from the past and present and she couldn't quite distinguish which belonged where. She closed her eyes trying to clear her mind when one distinguished thought became louder than the others. Why don't you write everything down on paper, Archie said. Emma rose from the bed and walked to the small studying desk she had in her room. She opened the first draw on the left and took out a couple of papers and a pen. She started to write what she was feeling but then everything became a mess again and she always ended up crumpling the paper and throwing away.

Emma stared at the blank paper for hours. The floor was a mess was discarded attempts to write what she was feeling. She didn't know how to do that. She wasn't good at talking about her feelings. She thought about Regina and how happy they were before she screwed up everything. She thought about how they laughed together, how they cooked together, how good it was when they made love. Emma had never felt so connected to a person the way she did with Regina, not even Lily made her feel so safe and loved the way Regina did. Lily never made her feel like she belonged. Regina deserved to know the truth. The whole truth. The bits that Emma hid from her, the things she never wanted another person to know. Not even Elsa. Emma closed her eyes and breathed in before opening them again. Her hands were shaking when she held the pen again, but the moment the pen made the first scratch on the paper, Emma just kept on going.

Regina,

I know words will never be enough to express the way I feel about everything that happened. About everything that I did. I know saying I'm sorry doesn't fix anything and I think I can understand now how tired you are of hearing me saying that. It's exhausting, because what are you going to do with it?

There are things about me that I have never told you before we started dating. Things that I now realize still holds me hostage to a past I long thought I forgot. I did forget, about the person but I supposed I never let go of her actions.

I'm sorry (here I am saying it again) that I never told you any of this sooner. If I had, maybe we wouldn't be here now, maybe you could have helped me deal with everything that I was feeling, maybe I could have looked for help sooner and avoid all this heartache. I should have done things differently. I'm sorry that I didn't.

I'm an orphan. I'm not sure if I ever told you that, but I am. I was abandoned when I was only hours old. I grew up in the foster system, going from one family to another. I was never adopted until I was fifteen when I ended up in this foster home that changed my life. The lady running the home, her name was Ingrid and we got along pretty well since day one. I was the only one staying there, I had my own bedroom and that was…magical. I have never lived in a place that clean neither I had a room of my own. After six months there Ingrid told me she filed the petition to adopt me. I was over the moon. I never thought that was even possible, especially because of my age. But she did do it, she adopted me and I supposed that was the first time I ever felt loved in my life.

And the school was pretty great too. It was the first school I have ever been to where the teachers cared about their students, that they wanted them to have a future. Most kids complain about going to school, but not me. I loved it.

When I turned sixteen, I met my best friend, Lily. She was the new girl in school and we got along pretty quick. We were very similar, Lily and I. She too was adopted, but unlike me, she was adopted when she was still a baby but she never really felt like they loved her. We did everything together. It Was amazing to finally have a friend. Until one day I woke in the middle of the night after having a particular dream about her. I always knew I was gay, but I also always kept that particular part of my life to myself. It was better that way, especially for someone in my condition. But that dream, it threw me out of balance and suddenly I had all these feeling for Lily that I couldn't get rid of. We were doing History homework one day when Lily laid next to me, so close that our shoulders were bumping against one another. I got nervous and started to sweat like a lunatic as my face turned red. Lily asked me what was wrong and I started to get my things together and told her I had to go home. I tried to avoid her the next day and the next but she wasn't having it. She showed up at my house one afternoon, she knew Ingrid would be out at work, and confronted me. I confessed to her that I had fallen in love with her and to my surprise, she said she was in love with me too and then she kissed me. That was the second happiest day of my life and my first kiss.

We started dating in secret. I was scared for life to tell Ingrid, I was afraid she wouldn't be okay with it and kick me out. Lily had similar fears since their parents were very religious. We dated throughout high school and as faith would have, we got in into the same college. It was heaven, we even manage to share the dorm at Boston University.

In my second year, I took the test at the Police Academy in Boston. I passed my tests and started training to become a deputy. At the end of that year, Lily's parents show up unnoticed at our dorm and caught us in bed together. It was hell! They cut off her funds and told her they wouldn't give her a penny as long as she was in sin. Luckily, two months after that I started to work at the Boston Police. I didn't make much but it was enough to rent us an apartment since Lily couldn't afford to stay in the dorms without her parent's funds.

The day we moved in together, was probably the third happiest day of my life. I loved Lily so much and I was sure I was going to marry my high school sweetheart and spend the rest of our lives together. I wanted that so badly! I wanted to ask Lily to marry me and I opened a secret saves account to put money together for that.

I started working at the Boston Police and I was signed up to my partner. We were taught at the Academy to trust our partners with our life and that's exactly what I did from the first day I met Killian Jones. And to tell you the truth, that was the easiest thing to do. Killian and I became friends right the way, we had a lot in common. You'll soon find out just how much in common we had. I was still in University but I was able to transfer my classes to evening courses. The Capitan of my station was kind enough to never give us night shifts and Killian never complained. Even when we had a call that would last throughout the night, Killian covered for me. We became best friends. He would have breakfast with us in the morning when he stopped by to pick me up for our shift. That actually became sort of a routine. The three of us went to movies together and bars on our day off and we even made a mini-trip together to the beach once. On the days I had a test, Killian never took the rounds on a tricky street and he always let me study while he flirted with the waitresses at whatever diner we were in. On those nights, when I came back home, he and Lily would always welcome me with pizza and beer while I whined about the test.

I told him about my plans to marry Lily. We were patrolling a jewelry street once and he came in with me inside the stores to look at the rings and even gave his opinion by pointing the ones he liked. Sadly enough, I didn't have enough yet to ask Lily to marry me, the rings were more than I could afford at that time. He was always very supportive of us and constantly joked around asking me for tips to catch a girl like Lily. That always made me so proud, I always felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world for having her.

And then, one night, my whole life changed. I went to my usual evening classes, but my last Professor didn't show up and we were dismissed earlier. I drove home and when I came inside the apartment, I saw Killian's jacket on the coat hanger. That wasn't particularly strange, but he was usually only there at that hour when I had a test. I took off my jacket and walked to our bedroom. The house was completely dark and as I entered the hallway, I heard Lily moaning. At first, I thought she was having a private time and I remember smiling at the possibility to catch her on the act. When I opened our bedroom door and turned on the light, I saw the image that would forever be imprinted in my mind. Lily was naked on top of Killian. They were fucking each other. Part of me died that night. I remember falling down on the floor and not being able to breathe. I remember they rushing to put their close on and I remember the rage that took over me after my brain caught up with the scene. It was a mess! My life had become a mess, but I'll spare you the details of that part of my life.

Six months after that I got the Sheriff position here in Storybrooke and I accepted the job right the way. I was more than ready to leave Boston. Lily moved out of the apartment to live with Killian and my Capitan assigned me to a desk job.

I never dated anyone after her. I never felt like it. I moved here to Storybrooke and made my life here. I had occasional dates and hook up, as you know, but nothing serious. I didn't trust anyone to ever have something serious again, neither I wanted to until I met you. You changed that about me, you made me feel like I could love another person again like I could be loved by another woman. You made me want to give my whole heart to you. But as we got serious, so did the paranoia in my head. I started to had flashbacks from the past, especially when you were alone with Robin, I kept on seeing the two of you together, and the image of you was always mixed with the images of Lily. I started to sabotage myself and therefore, our relationship to the point where I couldn't trust your words anymore. In my head, you had become Lily and Robin had become Killian.

The night at the station with Ruby, she brought that back with full force. I wasn't already in my right mind with the fight we had and the tequila I drank with her. She said things, vulgar things about you and Robin and I saw that burned image again of Lily on top of Killian, riding him, except that it wasn't Lily anymore it was you and that broke my heart harder than she ever did and I ended up attacking Ruby. We didn't sleep together. I stopped myself before things for out of control. Not this is an excuse for what I did, I was wrong and I own to my mistakes. I knew I lost you for good that night. I was so scared to lose you all at once that I ended up losing you little by little.

What Ruby did after…. What she did that night, I had no idea. It never even crossed my mind that she would be capable of doing something like that and you will never know how sorry I am for having you going through that. It was humiliating for you, but trust me, Regina, it was for me too.

I broke your heart. I broke my heart. I know it's my fault that we are not together anymore. I'm sorry. I know you are tired to hear that, but I am. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You deserve to happy, Regina. You are the most amazing woman I have ever met in my life. You are beautiful and kind and gentle, you have the biggest heart I have ever had the pleasure to meet. You don't have to worry about me anymore. I won't bother you anymore. I understand that you want to move on with your life. I want you to do that, more than anything Regina, I want you to be happy, even if it isn't with me. I fucked up! I deserve to lose you.

I hope you read this. I hope that you can feel how genuinely sorry I am for everything that happened. I love you. I will always love you.

Forever yours,

Emma Swan

Emma folded the papers and put them inside the envelope. She checked the watch, it was past midnight. She bit her lower lip, wondering if Regina was home from her date yet. She didn't want Regina and her date to see her in front of the mansion but the lightweight of the envelope on Emma's hand had become heavy. She needed to put the letter in Regina's mailbox otherwise she would just chicken out. Emma rose from the chair and left her bedroom. The loft was dark and silently, Elsa had long gone to bed. She took her coat from the hanger behind the door and left the apartment. She drove to Regina's mansion but parked the bug two streets down in case they were in the front door or something. She walked to the mansion and was a relief when she arrived, there was no sight of Regina or her date. The mansion was still dark and Emma wondered if that meat she was still out with the woman or sleeping for the night. She quickly put the letter inside the mailbox and ran back to the bug.

Inside her room again, Emma tossed from one side to the other in bed, wondering if Regina would read the letter or just tossed away like yesterday's trash. She tried to sleep, but her mind didn't let her. She was nervous. Anxious. Upset. Sad. She thought about driving back to the mansion and take the letter back. Perhaps it was too much. Perhaps Regina didn't need to know that. Her phone beeped on the bedside table and Emma stretched her arm to take the phone. Her heart nearly jumped out of her chest when she saw there was a text from Regina. Emma looked at the time, three in the morning, and then tapped her password to unlock the phone. She bit her lower lip as she taped the text Regina had sent her.

"Thank you"