Chapter 47: In the Doghouse

K. by Cigarettes After Sex

With the next week came another bout of quidditch fever for an alarming number of students in the castle, most notably James and Sirius. The cause was explained to me very animatedly by both of them: the Gryffindor vs. Slytherin match on the third weekend of February. While the Slytherin team was atrocious this year, James wanted to make absolutely sure they swept the floor with them. With their animosity for everything Slytherin, it didn't come as a surprise to me that James and Sirius wanted to completely defeat them. James was working the team to the bone this week and the next, and I couldn't help but accept Sirius's insistent invitation that I watch their practice that Wednesday.

I made my way to the quidditch pitch in the evening, pulling my heavy outer robes close to block the chill. I heard the sounds of the practice long before I saw the team: shouts, bludgers being whacked, wind roaring from the players zooming around. Having climbed up to the Gryffindor stands, I was met with the sight of Lily bent over a textbook, looking up regularly to watch James running the practice. Peter was sitting with a handful of Gryffindor boys, chattering excitedly about the team's prospects of winning the Quidditch Cup. And to my annoyance, there was also a large group of girls at the opposite end of the stands. There were girls from different years and Houses, all whispering and talking to each other excitedly, most of them fixated on two dark-haired seventh-year boys whizzing around the pitch.

I greeted Lily and sat down with a sigh.

Seeing my expression, she smiled. "You've never seen one of their practices, have you?"

"No. Is this—" I gestured to the group of female admirers of James and Sirius— "normal?"

"Unfortunately yes."

"Where's Remus?"

"They said he had a headache and wasn't feeling too well. Usually he's here."

"And are you usually here to watch your boyfriend running the practices?" I teased.

She raised an eyebrow. "Yes. Why haven't you shown up to watch until now?"

I shrugged and turned to watch the pitch. With a jolt to my heart, I spotted Sirius flying with his teammates as they completed a maneuvering drill that James was putting them through. All of the players looked superb as they flew in formation, condensing into a red and gold blurr with their speed as they rounded the hoops at one end. When they finished the drill, they drew up in a circle in front of their captain, floating high above the grass pitch. I heard James's voice as he discussed technicalities with the team, though he was too far away for any of us to make out the words. Not that the distance stopped Peter and the other Gryffindor boys from hanging onto his every word.

James must have made a joke, because the whole team laughed. I smiled, watching Sirius grinning before his face assumed a stern look of concentration as he focused on what James was saying.

As the team dispersed to begin more drills, Lily looked at me, her book still open on her lap. "How is it going with you and Black?"

I smiled wryly. "It's… going."

"Can we talk about it? I'm just curious, that's all."

"Yeah, sure. Why not?"

"That's why I'm asking," she joked.

I laughed and watched Sirius flying like a madman. "It's going fine, if you were worried about anything. Though I don't know why you'd be, seeing as we're still in the same friends-with-benefits thing that we've always been."

"Do you wish that you two were more than that?" she asked, lowering her voice so as not to be overheard.

I frowned and looked at her. "What makes you say that?"

She gave me a small smile. "You two are spending a lot of time together. And I've never seen him so much as look at another girl since before the holidays."

"Well maybe I'm just too spectacular," I joked.

"Or maybe you two should just stop beating around the bush and start properly dating."

"Merlin," I exclaimed, looking at her.

She made a face at me. "What? Don't tell me you're that emotionally oblivious?"

"Don't call me emotionally oblivious. Haven't you ever been in that in-between stage when you're doubting everything and absolutely wracked with worry that the other person doesn't feel the same way about you?" I retorted.

She held up her hands in a peaceful gesture. "I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers, alright? I was just wondering why you two haven't gone all the way yet. You know him better than I do, but I have known Black for longer and he at least seems to be very smitten with you. Especially since he's spent the last two years going from girl to girl and smashing hearts left, right, and centre. You know he had an extremely brief thing with Marlene, yeah?"

I looked at her in surprise. "No, I didn't know that. It's not like I've asked him which girls specifically he's shagged. We don't really talk about that sort of stuff, just general numbers."

"It was at a party last year, if I remember correctly. They were both rather drunk though, so I dunno if they would've done anything about it if they hadn't had so much to drink. They never did shag. Marls told me he just felt her up. But really there are fewer girls in the castle who wouldn't sleep with him than those who would. She was at the New Year's Eve party James and his parents had at their place over the holidays, but Black wouldn't give her the time of day. I think he was pining over you and moping around so much because you didn't show up."

I sighed. "I know, I've talked to him about it. He knows I wasn't trying to intentionally hurt him."

"That's good. I've never seen him that mopey before. It was like night and day from what he's usually like."

I shrugged and said, "Enough about me and Sirius. How's it been with you and James?"

She smiled. "It's going really well."

"Did he tell you that we talked the other day at your birthday celebration?"

"Yeah, he did. He said that you two had a rather tender heart-to-heart."

I smiled and glanced out at the pitch, seeing James participating in Chaser exercises. "Yeah. I reckon it's a lot nicer to have put all the shit that happened at the beginning of the year behind us. We both agreed that we'd been acting like morons."

"As long as you learn from it and grow, you don't have to beat yourself up about it. We're all guilty of acting badly at one point or another while we're still growing up."

"True." I glanced at her before I said, "I dunno if it's the same with you, but I feel like being young while this war is happening has forced me to grow up faster? Like it's forced me to bear burdens that I wouldn't've had to bear if I'd grown up earlier or later than this time period. And part of me really wishes that we hadn't had to grow up faster, not that we can do anything about it."

She studied me for a long moment. "I've never thought about that. But now that you mention it, I think almost everyone growing up right now— and certainly me, James and the boys— would agree with you. I reckon everyone who grows up during times of war wishes that they would've grown up in times of peace, but we don't get that choice, do we?"

"Yeah."

"It's harder for us because we're Muggleborns. We're the sort of people who are targets of the other side, of the Death Eaters."

I hummed in agreement, thinking about how the problem of my blood status was compounded by being a Seer. "What will you and James be doing after you graduate?"

"We'll still be dating, just travelling to spend time together I suppose. Knowing how to apparate and disapparate will help with seeing each other."

"I can imagine."

"Are you going to turn your back on all this—" she gestured to herself and towards the pitch where James and Sirius were— "after you graduate? Sorry, 'turn your back' is harsher than I meant. I meant, are you going to keep in contact with Black after you graduate or will you begin with a fresh slate?"

I looked at her earnestly and said, "No. That's what sort of… scares me, if I'm being honest. I've come to enjoy being around Sirius and spending time with him so much that the thought of never seeing again makes me want to cry. I want him in my life. If we are to break things off and never see each other again, it won't be because I wanted it."

"I'm assuming you've not told him this yet?"

"No. Obviously I fancy him, and it's nerve wracking enough wondering whether he feels the same way about me. I know what he's like, that he's cautious about letting others get close to him. I'm worried that if I tell him how I feel about him, he'll feel trapped and push me away."

"I reckon you're the last person he'd do that to, Kersti."

I rubbed my face. "Believing that is easier said than done. I fancy him so much and I'm so desperate not to lose him that I end up worrying myself silly about whether he feels the same way about me, whether I should just end the suspense by telling him how I feel. But in the end I reckon… I reckon I'd rather be stuck in this endless loop of questioning whether he feels the same way about me, than tell him and have him feel smothered and shut me out of his life. Because that second option makes me miserable simply thinking about it."

She studied me for a few laboured minutes before looking away. "What do you reckon you'll do about it?"

I managed a bitter laugh. "If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them."

"I don't, not really. I've never been in your situation before. But I have known him long enough to understand that him shutting you out if he feels trapped is a possibility, though I reckon it's a very rare one in your case. But really you know him much better than I do. If anything you should be asking James about what to do."

I shook my head. "No. I like James, I think he's a great boyfriend for you, and I don't mind talking to him, but I really don't feel comfortable telling him about how much I fancy his best mate and how badly I want Sirius to feel the same way about me."

"That's understandable," she said, laying a comforting hand on my shoulder.

Watching Sirius gliding around the pitch, smoothly hitting bludgers back and forth with the other Gryffindor Beater, I said, "Knowing Sirius, I think I need to wait until he makes the first move. Because that way I won't have to worry about making him feel trapped. But the problem is that the waiting is killing me and I've been driving myself around the bend thinking about him. Well, I reckon I always have," I said, making us both laugh. "He's always been around to drive me barmy in one way or another since the beginning of this year. I just… I hope that he doesn't wait ages to make the first move. I reckon if he doesn't do anything by the end of the school year, I'll tell him how I feel before we graduate."

"That way you'll get the closure that you deserve?" I nodded. "That seems like a decent plan, Kersti. And I'm sorry that you've been going mad with questioning how he feels about you. I personally think that he fancies you too."

"What makes you say that?" I murmured.

"He looks at you differently. Differently from other girls and from when he used to ogle you at the beginning of the year. And when you show up he starts smiling like a lovesick idiot."

I laughed. "Like James does around you?"

"Exactly," Lily said with a wide smile. "Don't worry about it too much, alright? Alice went a bit mad when she was humming and hawing about whether Frank felt the same way about her."

I chuckled and spent the remainder of the practice watching Sirius just as carefully as the other girls in the stands were, though I was much closer to him than any of them could ever dream of being. When James finally ended the practice, Lily and I got up, tramping down the stairs, followed by Peter. Peter went off to fawn over James and Sirius in the boys' changing room while Lily and I headed back up to the castle and waited for them just inside the cover of the stone passageway. Soon enough, I heard James and Sirius's laughing voices from down the hill from us. I could pick Sirius's laugh out from a crowd; it was such a distinctly barking sound, so similar to Padfoot's joyful barks. When he emerged into view walking beside James, his robes stirring around him with the winter wind, I smiled.

"Staying warm, Lily-flower?" James called out.

"Reckon she needs you to come over there and shag her until she warms up," Sirius quipped.

James shoved him. "Get out of here, you dirty-minded dog."

"You hear that, Wormtail? He's telling me to piss off."

"Yeah, I'm telling you to piss off, Padfoot. What do you expect, making dirty comments about me and my girlfriend?"

"Oh, how chivalrous, Prongs. You're a real gentleman, yeah?"

"You sod," James said with a laugh, initiating a shoving match that looked ready to break into a dangerous affair.

"Oi! Rotter!" I called out. "If you make the old man break a hip, I'll claw you to bits."

Sirius looked at me and his face broke into a brilliant smile. "Thanks for the offer, kitten— Bloody hell!" he exclaimed as James got him in a headlock.

"Not going anywhere, mate."

"Keep my head attached to my shoulders, you violent deer!"

"Stag, Padfoot. Remember?"

"Deer!"

"Stag!"

"Deer!"

"Stag!"

"You're a bloody deer, Prongs!"

"You're a wimpy puppy."

"Prongs, careful with Padfoot's head!" Wormtail squeaked, dodging Sirius's flailing arms which he was trying to use to disentangle himself from his best mate's grip.

"James, honestly," Lily said with mock concern.

James let go and stood up straight so fast that Sirius nearly fell over and had to clutch onto James's shoulders to stay upright.

I snorted with laughter and smiled at Sirius. "Nice, you two."

James and Sirius climbed the stairs to meet us just inside the stone doorway, closely tailed by Peter. James dropped an arm around Lily's shoulders and hugged her to him. "Did you enjoy watching the practice?"

She smiled and nodded in answer.

Sirius stood next to me with his hands in his pockets, grinning and looking at me. "What'd you think, kitten?"

"That was the first one you'd seen, yeah?" James asked me.

"Yeah. Looked rather intense. I can see why it's looking like you'll lead the team to winning the Quidditch Cup."

Sirius smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling up. My heart stuttered at how fondly he was watching me. "Glad you have faith in us."

"How could I not, seeing the way Rotter is working you to the bone?"

"At least someone's acknowledging my hard work," James joked.

"I think you're doing a great job, Prongs," Peter said, looking at his taller friend greedily.

"Thanks, mate. Is that arsehole Stebbins still convinced I'm working the team too hard?"

Peter nodded vigorously, looking like a deranged puppet. "He doesn't know what he's talking about. Everyone else knows you're doing a brilliant job."

Sirius let out a short bark of laughter. "Lay it on a little thicker, Wormy."

"What?" Peter said, his watery eyes bouncing from James to Sirius. "I'm just being honest."

Sirius ruffled Peter's straw-coloured hair before turning his focus back to me. "Prongs and I were planning on raiding the kitchen. Fancy coming with me? You can come too, Evans."

"Sure," I said, smiling at him and ignoring Lily wiggling her eyebrows at the two of us.

The boys kept me and Lily walking speedily on the way down to the kitchens, with Peter holding the Map in front of his nose to watch for Filch or Mrs. Norris. He had it so close to his face that he nearly ran into objects along the way several times. Peter did the honours and tickled the pear before the five of us entered into the stone-floored kitchen. The house-elves quickly got us a wide variety of dinner dishes laid out on the table, and the boys and Lily set out to fill their plates, though Lily's was less than half as full as theirs.

I was sipping a cup of tea when Sirius pushed a plate of food in front of me. At my expression, he said, "You should eat, kitten."

"I'm not hungry."

He looked at me sadly. "Can you try to eat a little? For me?"

"Dunno," I mumbled, my throat closing with emotion.

"Don't make me spoon feed you," he whispered in my ear.

I nearly spat out my tea at that mental image. "I never said that, old man."

"I'll do it if you don't eat something," he said, giving me puppy-dog eyes.

I smiled and made a big show of starting on the serving of shepherd's pie that he'd pushed under my nose.

With bright eyes, Sirius grinned and squeezed my thigh under the table before he went back to discussing the techniques that need to be mastered by the Gryffindor team in order for them to win the Quidditch Cup. This had not been accomplished during the time that Sirius and James had been on the team, which had been since fourth year.

When we'd finished eating and left, James and Lily paused on a second-floor corridor, looking at each other.

"What is it, Prongs?" Peter asked, chewing a fingernail and looking at him anxiously.

"Me and Lily were going to go to the Astronomy Tower tonight," he said, ruffling his hair and casting a nervous glance at his girlfriend.

Sirius grinned beside me, his hands in his trouser pockets again. "You two go have your bloody good time, yeah?"

Peter looked alarmed. "But Prongs, you said you'd play Exploding Snap tonight for—"

Sirius sighed. "Stop whining, Wormtail. You'll see him in the morning."

Lily tucked some hair behind her ears and I rolled my eyes at Peter's clinginess.

"I'll be there to continue our Exploding Snap tournament tomorrow evening," James said, offering Peter a consoling grin.

"But, Prongs…" he whined.

"We need you to check up on Moony, yeah? See if he's succumbed yet to that migraine he got."

"Are you coming with me, Padfoot?" Peter said, blue eyes staring at Sirius expectantly.

Sirius shook his head, his dark waves bouncing. "Sorry, mate. Kersti and I were going to do something."

James snickered. "I'll bet."

"Now who's the dirty-minded one, Rotter?" I said, making a funny face at him.

"Nice fighting words, Stripes," he shot back, making Sirius chuckle.

I met Peter's eyes. For a moment, I could see how isolating this situation would be. James had his arm around Lily, and Sirius was so close to me that his robe sleeve was brushing against mine. Peter was standing on the periphery of our group of four, destined to remain there not because he was single, but because he was so clingy that his own friends were moving on to better prospects. Remus was never standing on the periphery like Peter because he fit in well and was well liked not only by James and Sirius, but also by me and Lily. In every way that counted, Peter was the odd one out.

Feeling a surge of empathy for him, I said, "Peter, if you want, you could—"

"I don't need your help, Grindylow," he seethed, face twisted into a sour expression.

"You take the Map and the cloak then," James said to placate him.

"Nah, I'm taking the cloak," Sirius said.

I didn't even bother asking him why he'd need the cloak to do whatever he had planned with me.

"You're giving the cloak to Grindylow?" Peter snapped.

Sirius raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm using it. No need to get your tail in a knot."

"We'll be back before you know it, mate," James said to break the whiny atmosphere, reaching over to clap Peter on the back.

He smiled, his eyes looking extra watery, and I looked away to give him some privacy. He clearly wouldn't want any help or consolation that I might be tempted to give him.

"Have fun, Lily," I said with a smile.

She nudged me with her elbow. "You have fun too."

"What if you get caught? You're going to be staying up there past curfew, yeah?"

James snorted. "We're Head Boy and Girl. We're allowed to be out past curfew. And if anyone asks what we're doing up there, we'll just say we're patrolling."

I laughed and pointed an accusatory finger at him. "That sounds like an abuse of your power and position, James."

Sirius let out a bark of laughter, rocking back and forth on his heels as he watched me. "She's got a point, mate."

He shrugged and laughed. "Like you two are rule-abiding sods." He turned to Peter and said, "Make sure to check up on Moony. I'm worried about him."

Peter nodded, looking down and scuffing a toe on the floor.

With a final wave to me and Sirius, James and Lily headed down one end of the corridor, while Peter went the other way.

When they were gone, Sirius dropped an arm around my shoulders and hugged me to him.

"Hello to you too, old man," I said, giggling in surprise.

He hummed and dipped his head down to nuzzle my cheek, the scent of his hair making me sigh in delight.

"Where were you planning on going with the cloak?" I murmured as he nosed at my cheek.

"Your dormitory?" he whispered, breath warm against my skin.

"Sure." I giggled when he rubbed the tip of his nose against my cheek again. "You're acting like Padfoot right now."

"Why not? You like it. And I'm always at least partly Padfoot anyway."

"True." I leaned into his side and the comfort of his touch. Had he ever been like this with other girls? If he was giving me such obvious signs that he fancied me too, why couldn't I just come out and say it: "Sirius Black, I fancy you." I closed my eyes, heart leaping and racing in my chest at the prospect of telling him how I felt. What if I scared him away? What if he felt the same but shut me out anyway because I'd pushed too far past his boundaries?

"What're you thinking about, kitten?" he murmured, lips against my temple.

I shifted and hugged him, hiding my face in his chest. "Dunno," I mumbled.

His chest rumbled with a chuckle as he hugged me hard. When I stepped away, I met his eyes and smiled, heading off down the corridor. He caught up to me in a few bounding strides, pinching my bum and making me laugh.

"The cloak is for getting into my dormitory without getting caught?" I said as we climbed a flight of stairs. Glancing at Sirius, I realized that he must have planned to come back to my dormitory all along. That thought made my stomach start flip-flopping.

He grinned and said, "Yeah. Prongs needs me available to attend practices, not sitting in detention with Filch. He's putting the pressure on us to win the Quidditch Cup now that we're into the second half of the year."

"Competitive much?"

"Very. You haven't noticed that yet?" he teased.

I snorted. "Of course I have."

"You sure?"

"Tease."

"Is Remus ill?" I asked.

"He was feeling really sad about his furry problem after dinner. Me and Prongs tried asking him what was wrong but he only claimed that he had a headache. Which is silly because he always uses that as his excuse when he feels too sad about his furry problem to be around other people. He likes to hole up in the dormitory under the covers in bed when he gets like that. Not much me and Prongs can do but give him space and wait it out."

"I know how that feels. I hope he feels better about his furry condition soon."

"I reckon he will. He goes through mood swings sometimes about it. Fatalistic one minute, optimistic the next."

If I hadn't already been occupied with Sirius, I wished that I could have gone up to Remus hiding in the dormitory and talked to him, showing him that he wasn't alone. Perhaps one day I could tell him about my curse too.

When we drew nearer to the entrance of the Ravenclaw Common Room, I watched in fascination as Sirius unfolded the cloak and threw it over himself, disappearing from view.

I heard his barking laughter seemingly coming from nowhere. "You should see the look on your face, kitten. It's like in the library all over again."

I rolled my eyes and smiled. "Don't you dare scare me again."

"No promises," he said, his voice coming from the empty space before me.

With a last laugh, I led the way into the Common Room. I was thankful that Sirius had chosen to bring the cloak with him, as the circular, midnight-blue room was much more full than usual.

"Kersti!" Lia was waving to me from one of the couches near us.

"Hey, you," Tess said with a smile. Unfortunately Sean Roberts was sitting next to her on the couch and he'd turned to look at me expectantly as soon as they'd noticed me.

"Hey, Kersti," he mumbled, itching at his skin where his shirt collar laid against his neck.

"Where were you?"

"Watching the Gryffindor team practicing."

Tess immediately perked up. "Really? How're they looking? What drills and moves were they practicing? How's Potter's flying?"

I heard Sirius's quiet snicker behind me and fought the urge to start giggling. "Dunno, Tess."

"What do you mean you don't know? Weren't you watching? Or were you too busy drooling over Black?"

I spoke to cover the sound of Sirius snickering again behind me. "I was talking with Lily, alright? Where's Em?"

"With Rafferty. But how could you've not seen what they were practicing?"

I pleaded with Lia with my eyes.

Sean abruptly stood up, colour creeping up his neck to his cheeks. "D-d'you fancy sitting with us, Kersti? So y-you can tell us about the practice."

Invisible behind me, Sirius growled, sounding more like Padfoot.

"What was that?" Lia said with a frown.

"Nothing," I said quickly. "I'm really tired, I'm going to bed. See you in the morning."

"Oi! Where're you running off to? What about telling us about the practice?" Tess called out.

I speed-walked to my dormitory, hoping that Sirius would be able to keep up under the cloak without revealing himself. When I heard his footsteps following me, I relaxed and made sure to hold the door open long enough for him to slip in as well.

"Thank Merlin for that cloak," I said.

He pulled it off, revealing his tall and handsome self standing in my dormitory, his hair slightly mussed from the cloak. He grinned and slung it over the footboard of my bed, leaving his black outer robes on top of it. Rolling up his sleeves to reveal his forearms, he watched me.

"What?" I asked at his stare.

His lips quirked into a half-smile and he shrugged. "Dunno." He lifted the hem of his shirt to his nose and inhaled deeply before he grimaced in disgust. "Merlin, I reek."

"I don't think you do."

He cocked an eyebrow. "You're just saying that to make me feel better. Come over here and smell me. Guarantee you'll change your mind."

I laughed and toed off my shoes, leaving them at the foot of my bed. "If you smelt that bad, I'd've noticed by now."

He made a sound of disagreement. "I need a shower." As he walked off towards the attached loo, kicking his shoes off on the way, he said, "Fancy joining me?"

"As foreplay?"

He shot me a grin over his shoulder. "Whatever you want, kitten."

Feeling the indescribable pull that Sirius had on me, I left my outer robes and tights on my bed and followed him into the bathroom, closing the wooden door behind me. I took my time, watching Sirius unbuttoning his shirt and discarding it on the floor before he started on his belt buckle.

He looked up and smiled. "What?"

I smiled back, my heart leaping into my throat. "Nothing."

Cocking an eyebrow, he continued undressing as I began on my clothes. He was the first into the shower, and by the time I had joined him under the hot water, the glass was fogged. Watching him in such an ordinary, domestic setting had me dwelling on the fact that I was in love with him. I saw both the good and bad parts of him, remembered at turns his flaws and amazing qualities, and I loved it all. At that moment, I knew that I would sacrifice my own happiness to have him in my life. He could use me for sex and intimacy and as a confidant, even if he never committed to a relationship with me. I would be okay with that. If it meant that I could keep him in my life, then anything was worth it.

Unable to help myself, I smacked his exposed arse.

He laughed, his hair longer and flattened by the running water.

I smiled and hugged him from behind, closing my eyes against the water. "You know, you've got a great arse too."

"Glad to hear it, kitten."

"A better one than you'd expect on an old bugger."

He looked over his shoulder at me. "Really? Is my arse not flabby and gross?"

I made a face against the skin of his back, my hands splayed against his abdomen. "No, ew! That's a terrible image."

"You don't like thinking about what old people's arses look like?"

"No! And neither should you."

"I can't help it, it would only be me thinking about what my own arse looks like."

I started laughing so hard that I thought I would piss myself right there in the shower, which only made Sirius start laughing at me losing it. "At least if I piss myself laughing, it'll just go down the drain."

"Kitten, you really need to get better control over your bladder."

"You tease," I said, poking him in the sides.

"Careful. If I fall because you're poking me too aggressively, I'll probably fall on top of you," he said, laughing.

"Reckon you would since I'm hugging you right now," I said, leaning my forehead against his back.

He chuckled and his body shifted as he continued washing the sweat and grime from his arms and shoulders. "You just going to stand here hugging me? Or are you going to shower too?" he murmured.

"So I stink then?"

He laughed and handed me the bar of soap. "No, I never said that."

I gently drew the bar of soap over his back before I started washing myself. Washing and then rinsing his hair, he shook his head like a dog, flinging water droplets everywhere and making me laugh. From the happy look on his face, I could tell that he'd done it to get some laughter out of me.

"Do you want me to wash your back?" he asked, taking the soap from me.

"Yes, please." I turned to face away from him and felt him gently lathering my back with soap before I rinsed myself off.

"I thought cats didn't like water?" he said, slicking some lingering soap suds from my lower back.

"Tigers are different. They enjoy water."

"Explains you swimming around in the Prefects' Bath," he said, tracing a finger over the bumps of my neck vertebrae. Unexpectedly, he wrapped his arms around me, resting his chin on top of my head.

I chuckled and placed my palm on his forearm where he was holding me. Basking in the glow of his presence, I hoped that we'd keep acting like this if we ever started properly dating. As it stood, we already acted like a couple most of the time and knew each other well enough to make it seem like we were dating. But if he never wanted to have a relationship with me, I would take it in stride. I'd be upset, but I would take Sirius in any way I could get him. I'd done the opposite thing of what friends with benefits were supposed to do; I had accidentally fallen in love.

With a nuzzling kiss to my cheek, Sirius got out of the shower and I followed suit. As he occupied himself with casting a spell to dry us off, I examined myself naked in the mirror. I'd begun to gain more weight and overall looked much better than I had after the holidays, but my regular sleeplessness still showed on my face. I looked— quite simply— haggard.

Doing up his belt buckle, he looked at me. "What's wrong, kitten?"

I shrugged and rubbed my face. "I don't look like I've been run over by the Hogwarts Express anymore, but I still don't look great."

He frowned and furrowed his eyebrows, coming to stand directly behind me, shirtless and watching me in the mirror. "You've never looked bad." He dipped his head down to nuzzle my cheek, cupping a breast in each hand. "And your tits are wicked."

I laughed. "Wicked?"

"I'm telling the truth, I swear. You've got the most perfect tits I've ever seen."

"You're in a complimenting mood today."

"What? I've got eyes, I can't help but appreciate what I'm looking at," he murmured, planting a sloppy Padfoot kiss on my cheek to make me laugh.

"I've never laughed as much as I do around you," I said, stepping away from him to grab my hairbrush.

"Good. I love making you laugh," he whispered. He faltered, swallowing thickly, and gave me an unusually shaky smile before he picked up his shirt and walked out of the bathroom, leaving the door open behind him. When I heard the clink of my bed curtains being drawn, I let out the breath I'd been holding

"You sleeping over tonight?" I called to him, the brush snagging through a matted section.

"Yeah," he said, voice muted with the distance. "Can I?"

I smiled and said, "Yeah."

It took me some time to work the brush through my hair, wincing when it got lodged in a tangled clump.

"Kersti," Sirius said from my bed.

"Yeah?"

"Come back. I've been waiting for you in bed."

I chuckled. "Sorry, you can blame my matted hair. And why the rush, old man?"

"I might not be awake for much longer. I'm exhausted from quidditch practice."

Finishing in the bathroom, I picked up my robes and padded across the dormitory to my bed. Sirius had already staked out his claim on one of my pillows and was buried up to the neck under my blankets, fighting to keep his eyes open.

Smiling, he blinked and said in a husky voice, "And I get so bloody sleepy after I eat a lot."

"You're like a dog who ate a lot and needs to curl up for a nap, yeah?" I said, dumping my robes on the end of the bed and his shoes on the floor next to mine.

"Exactly," he mumbled, yawning widely.

"Sleeping naked?"

"Yeah, 'cause it's with you."

I pulled back the covers, sliding in naked next to him in the dark silence of the dormitory and drawing the bed curtains closed, cocooning us in our private world.

"Good thing none of my dormmates are around right now," I said, stretching out onto my back.

"They don't want to see me naked?" Sirius joked, shifting so that he was lying with his head on my chest, an arm draped over my stomach.

"They're not allowed to see you naked."

He chuckled and closed his eyes.

I brushed a wayward strand of dark hair from his forehead. "When'd you start keeping the long hair?"

He made a vague noise and mumbled, "Dunno. Sort of happened. And I realized how good I look with it and kept it long. D'you like my hair?"

I chuckled. "Do you even have to ask that?"

He smiled and pressed a kiss to my sternum before settling his head once more.

Stroking my thumb over his forehead, I whispered in the dark, "I feel so lucky to have you in my life, Sirius."

"Kitten…"

"I'm sorry if that was too intrusive of me. Sorry, I'm not trying to be too clingy or—"

He said gently, "Kersti, it's fine. You don't have to tiptoe around me like I'm going to be a git and turn on you if I feel trapped. I won't with you. I… I care about you a lot."

My heart thrummed in my chest, a lump formed in my throat, and warmth spread through my limbs. "I care about you a lot too. More than I ever have with any other bloke in my life."

He stroked his fingers along my stomach, nuzzling the skin above my heart. "You're very special, kitten. In the best way possible."

I remained lying on my back. Sirius's head remained resting on my chest, rising and falling with every breath, even after his deeper and slower breaths indicated that he'd dropped off to sleep.

I'd jeopardize my own happiness, my own peace of mind, to have him in my life. We'd grown so close in such a short time. He'd shown me his good traits and his bad ones, and I loved him for all of those because they made up his personality. I'd never met anyone like him before, and I doubted that I'd meet anyone who could hold a candle to all the things I loved about him. I'd do anything for him and he could take whatever he wanted from me.

I lay awake for a long time that night, holding Sirius close and dwelling on my feelings for him. Staying quiet as the girls came in to settle into their own beds, they assumed that I was fast asleep and left me alone. The silencing charms I'd cast over my bed certainly helped. For the time being, I was content to treasure this moment, knowing that with the next day would come more emotional circles for me to go around and around in. I could only hope that soon Sirius would finally tell me how he felt.