Chapter 47.
Sam looked at Sarah and said quietly, "Maybe we can leave them alone now." He wasn't happy with the idea, but he needed to talk freely to Sarah.
She nodded and they went back to the library. They sat down together at one of the tables. Sam watched Sarah's face, hoping for some sign as to her thoughts. He felt uneasy about leaving Dean unsupported, but the locked door had seemed like a clear signal that, for now at least, he did not need his brother's assistance or supervision.
In the wake of her continuing silence, he felt a need to defend Dean. "Dean tried not to get angry." he said.
"It must be so hard for him." she said, "Every fear translates to anger, but he knows that his anger pushes Castiel away and that sets off his biggest fear. Watching him fight that loop, I had to admire him. Each time, the pattern snapped back to anger, but each time, he tried to force it down."
"Do you think locking them both in his room was him giving up?" said Sam.
"No, I don't. That was driven solely by concern for Jack. He could see Jack was becoming distressed. The very fact that he noticed that means that he wasn't locked into his anger or his fear. At that moment, love was the driving force and he kept us out for the same reason. He wants us out of the storm."
"And Castiel right at the centre of it."
Sarah fixed him with her unclouded blue eyes and said, "They need this talk. It's not wonderful that there was shouting, but they can both take it. I know the locked door bothers you, it bothers me, too, but it could be a good thing. Castiel fears being rejected and sent away. Dean just signalled in the clearest possible terms that he wants Castiel to stay."
"I hadn't thought of it that way. That makes sense." said Sam.
"As long as they keep talking, we can be optimistic. If one gets angry and storms out, we have a problem. If Castiel leaves the bunker, we have a disaster."
"Dean wanted me around and now he doesn't." said Sam, "I don't know if he doesn't need me because he's in control of his feelings or if he's decided I just get in the way when he needs to yell at Cas."
She smiled. "I know what it's meant to you in recent weeks, with Dean asking for your help and then letting you help him. Don't see this as a backward step, see this as the result of that help."
"Hard to see that, to be honest."
"I don't think you've noticed how much stronger he's become. When Michael first left him, he felt beaten and weak. Worse; he felt corrupted. Remember how he couldn't look at you a lot of the time?"
"He said that was the beard."
"We both know it wasn't. It was shame and fear. He was certain you were as disgusted by his weakness as he was, but you didn't see any weakness and you told him so, over and over, until he began to believe you."
"I'm not sure he does, even now."
"Healing is complicated and relapses are common, but there are times now when he feels like himself and he trusts himself a little. Your relentless support and encouragement did that."
"Maybe it helped. Dean has always been strong."
"Yes, he has." said Sarah, "Now, Castiel needs to explain himself as much as he can, because whatever he thinks, he can't handle any of this alone."
"Going to Rowena is proof of that." said Sam, "I think you know a lot more than I do."
"Guesses." she said.
"Educated ones."
"Confirmed ones, in some cases." she said.
"I won't ask you to tell me anything you feel you can't, but if he needed something ... if he needed my help ... "
"He does. He won't let Jules be a part of his life for now and he and Dean ... well, this is a turbulent time for them. You have a real gift for giving unconditional love and support and he's never needed it more."
"Do you think he'll ever change his mind and tell us?" said Sam.
"Sadly, I don't think he will. He's broken Jules's heart and made Dean angry and Jack scared. The only thing he can feel good about is keeping you two out of it. It's his nature to sacrifice his own peace ... even his own survival ... for others."
"It's the one thing I hate about him. He's done a complete one-eighty on so many things that he was sure about when he was Heaven's puppet, but he still thinks his life has no value except to buy someone else's survival. He'd die for any of us without a second thought and he's done it, but we'd rather be doomed with him than saved by losing him."
"Yes, but if he can save you, he will. He would rather die a thousand terrible deaths than watch either of you die once." said Sarah.
"I wish everything he said didn't sound like goodbye." said Sam.
"Yes, that would be good." she said.
"I'm trying not to talk about it too much to Dean, but he hears it anyway. It's why he's so ... well, Dean." He looked into her eyes and said, "If anything happened to Cas ... Last time, he almost gave up."
"I wish we could take the pressure off both of them." said Sarah, "How are you doing, by the way?"
"I'm okay."
"Sam, be honest."
"I'm scared. I'm watching Dean and Cas tearing lumps out of each other because they can't talk to each other any other way. Jules is alone and in pain and I don't know how to fix things between her and Cas. Jack looks haunted, but won't talk about it because he thinks he'd worry us. You know enough to be able to reassure me if it were all nothing and you don't. Everyone I love is going through Hell and I can't do a thing about it, except try to be there for them all."
"Which is exactly what they all need from you, Sam." she said.
"And I'm tired. So tired. Even my eyelashes feel tired. And Cas wasted his grace and I feel like it's all part of the big goodbye." He grinned. "Sorry, but you did ask."
"Never apologise for the truth." she said.
"He wanted me to spend the night in our motel room with Cas, but the way things are going, he may want to keep him in sight again. I don't know what's happening in his head or between him and Cas. It's exhausting. You know the worst part?"
"Tell me." she said.
"I know that if I screw up, I could make everything a million times worse and it's not like I have a history of managing not to screw things up."
"Did you know that you're Castiel's hero? Did you know that he wishes he could be like you?"
"No, I didn't know that. To be honest, it doesn't make a lot of sense." he said.
"It makes perfect sense to me. Your father never told you when you got things right, did he?"
"Mostly, Dad told me in detail how unlike Dean I was."
"And he told Dean everything he got wrong and left both of you seeing only your mistakes and flaws. All I see is two men who have been pushed and manipulated and tortured and who have come through it all strong and brave and good. I know why Castiel admires you both. I know why your brother needs you around, even when he locks you out. I know why you'll never let him down."
"I feel like I let him down all the time." he said.
"You are more like him than you will ever know and he is more proud of you than he has ever said."