Emotional Detachment from those Unencompassable Lives

Two Hours since the Last Death (Ten Deaths)

He ran, ran, ran and ran. Subaru did not stop to think for a moment, he simply kept moving forward. He had abandoned the nobles who were Capella's victims, the corpses of Utada and Leith, and the dying Otto. He had turned his back on them... After all, they were not his responsibility, their lives did not concern him, saving them was not his job... He would keep moving forward, no matter what.

As he fled, his mind a hurricane of selfish thoughts, out of the corner of his eye he could notice the presence of guards confronting cultists in different parts of the nobles' district, but he refrained from stopping to ascertain the situation. "Looks like the siege has already reached here..." Was all he muttered in response to this discovery. If the Witch Cult was already deep in the high-class area, one had to wonder. What was the status of the Royal Castle? Subaru could not be stopped by doubts, the only way to find out was if he got there.

The streets in the northern part of the nobility district were littered with hundreds of corpses, both of cultists as well as the royal guards and civilians of the nobility. With a quick glance, it was easy to determine why Lugunica's forces of justice had not yet made their way down to the business district to bring order. This was a massacre, the guards had been wiped out. And the closer he got to the castle, the worse the state of the guards' corpses became.

It was as if a force far superior to them had completely overwhelmed them with its mere presence, completely obliterating their existence. Subaru was in no condition to ponder such information in his head, however, one name quickly came to the forefront of his mind; Greed. The Archbishop of Greed who, as Wilhem Van Astrea had reported on his deathbed, was an existence that with the mere wave of his hand would snatch as many lives as were reflected in his frivolous gaze.

If an enemy like the Archbishop of Greed had indeed shown up at the Royal Castle, then all would have been in vain. His escape would have been in vain, his survival would have been in vain, his very existence would have been in vain. How could he alter destiny if there was no destiny to alter? Greed would take everything from him, being true to the sin he represented.

Even with that in mind, Subaru did not stop. If he did not see it with his own eyes, if he did not witness Greed's cruel deeds, then he could not decide for himself that it had all been in vain. He ran, ran, ran; selfish thoughts flooding his crumbling mind. Ignoring the dozens of disputes taking place around him, Subaru kept running away, using the completeness of his stamina, of his soul, until both were completely consumed.

Both the cultists and the confronting guards were too busy fighting each other to pay attention to a pathetic young coward like him. However, individuals from both the former and the latter had tried to stop him on a couple of occasions, mainly the former. In those cases he had depended on his contract with Kuro, the lesser spirit. Shamak after all was useful for evading enemies...

He would not allow anything or anyone to get in his way. With tunnel vision and driven by his primordial instincts, Subaru ran towards the castle ignoring the painful blisters that appeared on the soles of his feet, the tiredness that made his muscles twitch violently and the dense steaming breath that had begun to flow copiously out of his nose and mouth. Subaru ran and ran, oblivious to a panorama that was losing more of its color every second. As if a heavy rain of bleach had begun to bathe the capital, the surrounding area was being dyed white.

Subaru did not notice the spectacle around him or the state of his body, until his legs were unable to continue to support the burden imposed on them and simply stopped working properly. He rushed to the ground and fell with his right cheek hitting the whitish surface. A winter chill suddenly ravaged his body... The ground was icy cold.

From one moment to the next, the ground had been blanketed with snow. When did it start snowing? He wondered futilely. Feeling an unnaturally cold chill crawl through his immobile limbs, Subaru looked up to see what was in front of him. He had been so focused on reaching the castle that he hadn't paid attention to how close he had managed to get to it... He would never be able to notice it, but an unhealthy black stain spread all over his body, part of his face and limbs.

When he finally managed to raise his gaze with difficulty, he finally caught a glimpse of it. The silhouette of a being several tens of feet tall, shrouded by the cloak of the violent blizzard, was towering over what appeared to be the castle gardens. Or so Subaru supposed, since he had never actually been there before. Subaru felt completely numb, his thoughts were freezing. Still, he could do nothing but wonder what kind of being that was.

However, the white landscape was suddenly disturbed by an explosion, the blizzard subsided slightly, and Subaru got a better view of what was happening at his destination. Part of the castle was reduced to rubble, much of which rained down on the being, a feline beast whose icy presence froze everything in its path. One of the castle's towers fell due to lack of support, dragged down by its own weight. The beast dodged the large concrete structure and moved one of its gigantic paws, it seemed to be trying to hit something; suddenly, its paw was reduced to a nebula of light particles. The beast was fighting a monster much smaller in size, but greater in power.

Subaru, still in his numb state from hypothermia, was surprised by the power of that being confronting the beast. From the distance he was at it was difficult to gauge, but something inside him told him that whatever it was that was attacking the beast, it was not a force for good. The beast roared, icy bolts of lightning erupting from its body. Part of the castle and its surroundings were covered by a dense layer of ice; it was useless. Another of its paws was disintegrated in the blink of an eye.

Witnessing a clash of massive powers beyond his comprehension, Subaru made a bitter gesture, swallowing the saliva that had accumulated in his mouth. Given the situation he was in, he didn't think he would be able to move his body freely. Still, he awkwardly shook his head so that he could take a look at his surroundings. A tundra, a white desert.

The citadel leading to the castle was lined with disintegrated corpses, which could hardly be classified as human remains, and frozen corpses that seemed to be genuine statues of pure ice. Snow and corpses, then more snow and more corpses, that was all that surrounded him. He was isolated in a desert of icy, putrid death. All alone in a world flooded with failures, failures of his own manufacture...

"It seems that I did learn how to survive for a little longer..." He muttered, in disgust. After all, he had finally achieved one of his goals; when he asked Julius to allow him to join him during his training, he had done so with extending his chances of surviving in mind, after all... "But what good does it do me if all those I hold dear end up dying, either in front of my eyes, or far from my reach, where I'm unable to amend their fates... I'm too weak, how disgusting... How stupid I was! I thought I could protect them with the information obtained through the Return by Death, but what I can encompass with my pathetic arms is minimal, not enough to protect all those I wish to protect..."

He had been foolish, stubborn. Being driven by fear, by the pathetic cowardice born of his eternal weakness, he had locked himself into a shameful illusion. An illusion of a world born of his self-indulgent thoughts. A world where his life would never again be in danger, where he would never again need Halibel, where he would never again die.

He had been an idiot, a stupid, selfish brat who foolishly refused to accept the cruel reality. What good was his resolve? What good was his determination? They would never be of any use if he did not prepare himself beforehand for the worst outcome, and even then, he would be of little use... Pathetically and selfishly protecting his own mental health, he had disregarded all the warning signs. Catastrophe was approaching, but he did not want to believe it; and so he had made hundreds of mistakes.

He was terrified to assume that he would die again, and so he had deluded himself with the idea that, if he did not depend on Halibel, if he did not plan ways to deal with it, that catastrophic future would never unfold. As expected, he had been wrong, and for that he would pay heavily for his sins. Sloth, sloth born of cowardice. He would die again, and the loop would repeat itself. If only he had made better use of the information he had received before the Witch Cult siege, if only he had used it to prepare himself beforehand.

And yet, once again, it was proven that he was no hero; none of it would ever be enough. Return by Death would never be enough for him to assume that position; it would never be enough. He would never fill that mold. Therefore, he could only focus on protecting those within his reach, the fates that danced in the palm of his hand would be the only ones he would be able to alter, and he would only focus on those that were a priority for him. The others? He hated to admit it, but deep down he had already understood that sooner or later he would have to abandon them altogether. Turning his back on others had already become a habit for him; it was something that, at least, that alienated part of him had already fully embraced.

Another explosion rocked the snow surrounding the castle. No matter how much it fought using its massive body or its ice magic, the icy beast was no match for the condensed strength of the being that Subaru was simply unable to see. Debris rained down on the beast, which fell sideways to the ground, its furred back being shaken by the blizzard. The icy beast was about to die, and Subaru really had no idea how to feel about it. Who to side with? He did not feel like he could side with either force. I wish they would both die... He thought.

Everything was fading away in his mind, and that was his last wish... If they do, maybe Anastasia and Mimi may survive... If both monsters disappear together with me, maybe... Subaru could glimpse how the remaining legs of the icy beast were disintegrated; the culprit was still not visible, but deducing his identity could not be that difficult. A silhouette in white camouflaging through the snow released a maniacal laugh of victory; at the same time, Subaru came to his conclusion: Archbishop of Greed.

Greed, the sin that Subaru had suspected guilty of sapping the kingdom's forces. That conclusion was the last rational thought his mind could produce. He was on the edge of the abyss, one step is all it took. It was then that, abruptly, both opposing forces were engulfed by a powerful ray of light, a light that consumed everything in its path, a light that would not pardon any villain.

Witnessing the power of a third force that he believed he could actually side with, albeit reluctantly, and at the same time feeling a corrupting envy, Subaru finally breathed his last breath. A last steaming breath was released from his mouth and then he stopped breathing; his lungs had been frozen, and so his body, turned into a statue of ice, could no longer perform such a function anymore.

Zero Days since the Last Death (Eleven Deaths)

"... What's your plan, Subaru-sama?"

"Argh! Coff! Coff!" Abruptly, the icy landscape of pure white death was replaced by a room of opaque tones. Next to him was a table that could accommodate up to six people, and a wooden slate was positioned not far from it. I'm back, thought Subaru, falling to his knees. His limbs lacked strength, although the truth is that the same applied to the rest of his body. Another hellish fight against the jealous shadows, which quickly faded from his memory, had taken place.

"Natsuki!" Otto, worried, approached him. Subaru quickly brought his hand in front of his mouth, thus avoiding another pathetic demonstration of his weakness. He forcibly swallowed the vomit accumulated in his oral cavity and then looked up.

His gaze met Otto's blue eyes, which were heavy with concern, for him, who was his friend, and for the future that lay ahead; it was to be expected, given that the save point was located precisely at the moment when Utada announced the siege of the Witch Cult. Otto, who had been kneeling in front of Subaru, noticed that his gaze conveyed sufficient resolve, so he stood up and reached out his hand to him. Subaru did not react immediately, he just looked at the hand in front of his eyes.

Subaru had returned from a frozen world, a world that had slowly died because of his sins. The sloth born of his cowardice was the first of these that came to his mind. The obstacles he had come to encounter in the previous loop had far exceeded all those he had dealt with before. At that moment, without a doubt, fate was laughing loudly at him.

Before his first death in that, his fourth death cycle, Subaru had perished after running into two alleged Sin Archbishops at the boundary between the commercial district and the upper-class district. His body had been set ablaze with anger, a fire that consumed his pathetic life, and incinerated his cowardly and indulgent self-imposed illusions.

Subaru had created a barrier around himself to protect his mind, heart and soul from the catastrophic fate that lay ahead, refusing to accept that his life would once again be severed. And that illusory barrier of pathetic unfounded hopes had been reduced to ashes. Ashes that were the cause of mockery of the woman who had taken over Farsale Square, in the southern part of the nobility's district.

If he was guided by his presumptions, then Capella Emerada Lugunica was the third Sin Archbishop he had encountered in the Royal Capital. His escape from the clutches of that woman had been nothing more than a fluke, a trick of fate, whose real purpose was to lead him to the bowels of the icy hell that was the Royal Castle. There, Subaru had witnessed, albeit with difficulty due to the distance and the blizzard that ravaged the capital, the combat between two monstrous beings.

Subaru believed he had deduced the identity of one of them; the overwhelmingly powerful Archbishop of Greed. Who, conceivably, was also the main culprit for the royal guards not descending to defend the lower districts of the capital. For there was no doubt that any warrior found in these during the attack had already been annihilated. Proof of this was the devastating massacre they were about to encounter upon leaving Leith's home.

The identity of the other was unknown. It was an icy beast whose massive figure did not match that of a Sin Archbishop. Still, it was a monstrous creature that, with its icy hostile aura, had covered the capital in snow and had caused his latest death, the second in the current cycle of death. Subaru could not consider that beast an ally. Then there was the third force, the one that had radiated an overpowering force that had illuminated his entire field of vision in his last seconds of life.

Only one person came to Subaru's mind if he was looking for someone capable of carrying out an attack like that and still transmitting the feeling of "being saved"; although it had been of no use in reality, since he had actually died. Envy and admiration, one person caused those feelings in him, and although the answer could well be Julius, in this case he believed he was right in thinking of the Sword Saint, Reinhard Van Astrea.

If indeed it was him... Even so, the presence of that man, the one who had lifted the weight of that overwhelming promise from his shoulders, had not been enough to save the castle from doom... Four Archbishops, Subaru had encountered, if his deductions were correct, four Archbishops. An enemy force that not even Reinhard Van Astrea could keep under control with his divine saintly strength.

Two in the eastern part of the commercial district, one in the southern part of the district of the nobility and one in the Royal Castle. Taking into consideration that Gluttony had been killed by the Sword Demon, Wilhelm Van Astrea, then that only left him with two remaining options at hand. However... Did the Archbishop of Envy even exist? Jealousy is almost the same as envy, so it would not be strange if, out of respect for their deity, their founder, or whatever Satella meant to the Witch Cult, the position of the Archbishop of Envy did not exist.

Six, if he was correct, then there should be six Sin Archbishops. Subaru wasn't sure what would happen after the death of one of the Archbishops, but he supposed that, in case this one were to be replaced, the cult had not yet had the necessary time to appoint a new Archbishop of Gluttony. In that case, he would only have to meet one more of them.

However, Subaru was convinced that the chances of finding him, or her, would be minimal... After all, apparently the two likely to-be archbishops in charge of the slums and the business district were working together, sweeping the city from east to west. As long as he avoided the east, he would be able to elude them.

Lust was located in a square in the south of the upper-class area, as long as he avoided approaching the area near the square, he would manage to avoid encountering her. Greed would be unavoidable, however, as long as Reinhard kept him busy, he would take Anastasia's arm and escape from there. No, that was not a realistic plan. Before starting to think ahead, it was pertinent to quickly reach the Royal Castle to then get the full picture of the situation finally.

Three Sin Archbishops would be the obstacles to overcome. Once he managed to surmount the toxic barrier presented by Lust, he would only have to worry about escaping the low-ranking cultists and royal guards who wanted to stop his advance to the castle. Both groups would be too focused fighting each other, so he was confident he would manage to pull it off again.

He had to break out of that shell of traumas that prevented him from progressing. No matter what the consequences, no matter how he would do it, he would move forward and achieve his goals. Only in that way would he really stop being a burden, stop being dead weight. His weakness made him useless, so once again he would cling to that alienated fragment of his being that used hatred and rage as fuel. He had no time to waste...

Subaru finally took Otto's hand, thanking him for it. This time his resolve had not wavered, the icy breath of the beast had not frozen his determination. As long as he had something to hold on to, he could keep going, so it mattered not that death was just around the corner. He had to save Anastasia, he had to take revenge on all those who sowed suffering in his heart. As long as anger and hatred burned in his heart, he could ignore the agony that cracked his mind further and further.

"I'm gonna screw up their plans..." Subaru whispered, thinking of the crazed gaze of the first possible Archbishop, the bandaged body of the second possible Archbishop, the sadistic smile of Capella and the body in white camouflaging in the snow of the probable Archbishop of Greed. Grinding his molars, Subaru finally visualized the image of a faceless being, it was the "Client".

"Natsuki?" Otto asked, confused. Subaru then snapped out of it and noticed that his hand was still anchored to Otto's. Releasing his friend's palm, Subaru proceeded to narrate what he had seen in his "vision"…

"... Y'know where the Sin Archbishops are?" Utada questioned him, suddenly appearing in his field of vision. Subaru had revealed how, after encountering two unidentified Sin Archbishops in the commercial district, they had managed to escape only to be captured by the Archbishop of Lust; from there, he had related what had happened at the end of the previous loop almost without altering the truth of the events.

Otto was dumbfounded, Leith had not even emitted a sound; it was to be expected that both would react like that, since their minds were much more fragile than that of the striped-furred warrior. However, Utada, who had been at his back, suddenly questioned him, appearing in front of him. Subaru was unaware of it, but until a few seconds ago, Utada had seriously considered slaying him; after all, the witch's stench was violently emanating from his body.

"That's right. As I was saying, there are two in the northeast of the business district, one in the south of the upper-class area, and finally one in the castle. My vision ends with everything covered in snow, but that seems to be unrelated to the Witch Cult... Still, I'd like us to get there before that happens." Subaru was avoiding revealing too much detail, after all, the last thing he wanted was to be bombarded by questions he had no time to answer.

"I see..." Utada muttered. Subaru detected a dangerous glint in his gaze and found it necessary to preempt his words.

"You won't be able to beat them, Utada." He stated, looking at him seriously. "If you really wish to fight them, it'd be best for you to wait until we get to the castle and report on the state of the south of the city."

"But...!" Subaru knew that gaze, it was hatred being regurgitated through the eye pupils.

"I get you..." He told him, a crooked smile on his face. "I'd see in my vision that you feel a tremendous hatred for the Witch Cult. I know you want revenge for whatever they did to you. Still, you won't be able to get it; at least not alone... So wait a little longer. Comply with Anastasia's orders." Puzzled by the firmness of Subaru's words, Utada reluctantly agreed. Utada, who did not know how to read Subaru's intentions, recognized that it was best not to be swayed by emotions. Satisfied, Subaru nodded. "In that case, let's leave immediately. We should take advantage of the fact that the cult hasn't yet reached this area, to escape in a northwesterly direction. Hopefully, we'll avoid getting too close to Farsale Square; that's where the Archbishop of Lust is. The less time we waste, the less we'll need to detour west."

With a frown on his face and his stomach in knots, Subaru pointed to the exit door vehemently. There was only one path to follow, and the faster he started walking it, the greater his chances of success. That his mind had not yet finished processing everything that had happened during the previous loop? That his heart was being clenched tightly by the pressure of a future that reeked of death? That doubts about his methods and his value as an individual were more overwhelming than ever? That his mind was being ravaged by a hurricane of contradictory ideas? None of that really mattered.

However, blinded by his own goals to achieve, he neglected everything around him. He had stopped seeing those who accompanied him as people... After all, having been forced to leave them behind twice, Subaru could think of them only as burdens that would eventually add to the emotional scars that enveloped his battered heart. Subaru, deep down, had already assumed that he would no longer be able to play with their fates...

How many times would he see them die before he finally achieved his long-desired goal, which was to reach the Royal Castle and avoid the death of Anastasia Hoshin and her little bodyguard? Subaru was not capable of avoiding their deaths, neither was the physical power of Utada, the demi-human of great strength. Their demise was not linked to a lack of kindness or a lack of loyalty to their friendship.

Subaru indeed owed much to both Otto and Leith, but neither was really capable of dealing with the coming events. Utada, though superior in many ways to them, still fell short next to the threat presented by the Witch Cult. How many times would he see them die? Subaru really could not keep concerning himself with their existences, otherwise he would lose what little shred of sanity he had left. He would take their existences for granted and move on, always with his eyes fixed on his target. Ultimately, none of the three was a paramount existence for Subaru...

"S-Subaru... my family..." Then a troubled voice reached the ears of the black-haired young man, who stopped in his tracks. He had forgotten... He was so focused on getting to the castle, that he had actually forgotten the tragic massacre scene involving Leith's family.

"We can't." Subaru replied sharply; the fate of Leith's family had drifted far beyond his reach; with his weak arms he could not encompass more than a couple of lives. There was no way he would ever again waste valuable time in vain going to the grave that was Leith's family home. Otto, perplexed, looked him straight in the eye; Subaru dared not hold his gaze. He was betraying them, his friends, he was abandoning them...

"Natsuki, we could take a little detour..." Otto was willing to stand up for Leith, of course he was. Things could not be any other way. Subaru quickly cut him off.

"It's useless. They're all dead. They were slaughtered by the Witch Cult and their corpses were desecrated. If we go there, we'll only get nothing but a lifelong scar as a result, no matter what..." Subaru knew it, Subaru had experienced it firsthand.

"The visions, Subaru-sama?" Utada asked him, making himself noticeable again.

"Exactly! I already saw what's about to happen, it's inevitable, so we must forget about it and move on. Only then will we have any chance of survival; it'll be minimal, but we'll have it." Subaru was trying hard to keep his composure, but he was really finding it a most difficult task.

"Sigh..." Sighing, Otto shook his head. Apparently he had partially recovered from the shock induced by Subaru's words. "We can't be completely sure of that, can we? I think Leith deserves at least a chance to ascertain the state of his family with his own eyes. Not through... yours."

"Don't be stupid, Otto. That naive optimism of yours is useless when dealing with lunatics like the Witch Cult. If we go, we'll be placing a noose around our necks, all it will take is one push and we'll be thrown to our deaths."

"Still... I wouldn't want to do that to Leith..." Dejectedly, Otto gestured with his gaze at Leith, whose pale face gave the feeling that he would fade from reality at any moment; that's what happens when you live for other people and not yourself, Subaru thought hypocritically. No, Subaru really empathized with the feeling, but he was not about to pander to his friends. Not if it meant never regaining control over Anastasia's fate.

"Don't you get it!" Frustrated, Subaru recalled the pain of his two previous deaths. Pathetic, worthless deaths. After dancing with death clumsily, he had lost his life without achieving any of his goals, without protecting anyone. Both times he died unable to do anything but run away pathetically. "My visions aren't wrong, ever! If my life is in danger, the future will be shown to me, plain and simple! If I do nothing to change it, then we will simply lose our lives! We will gain nothing by going all the way to Leith's family home, we'll only waste time! So shut up and do whatever I tell you is best to do!"

Hyperventilating, Subaru focused his bloodshot gaze on the faces of Otto and Leith. A single glance was enough for him to understand. He had lost their trust... He had hurt them with his words... No, he had hurt them with the reality. If they were simply unable to digest the harsh reality that awaited them unless they acted on his words, then he would have to leave them behind. Perhaps there were a thousand better ways to deal with such a situation, however, he just did not have time to deal with them; that would be goodbye. They were not a priority...

"Natsu-" Otto tried to say, but he was interrupted.

"Do as you please, I don't care anymore." And with those words, he once again turned his back on them and approached the door that would separate their fates. Before crossing that decisive threshold of destiny, he paused one last time. Without turning around, he declared. "Thank you for everything... If it weren't for you two, I'm not sure where I would be today. Maybe I'd never have found something I could dedicate myself to in this life, maybe I'd never have found the path I had to walk, maybe I'd never have found the woman I want to follow until I see her sitting on the throne of this kingdom... So thank you... and goodbye." With those words, Subaru left what was once the workshop where it all began. His weakness prevented him from encompassing more than a few lives, and those of his colleagues were not among them; for that reason, he hated himself with burning intensity.