*CONTENT WARNING* PLEASE SKIP THIS CHAPTER IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE/TRIGGERED BY EATING DISORDERS, ABUSE, OR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. PLEASE PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.
IT'S OK TO SKIP. YOUR HEALTH AND WELL-BEING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THIS.
I don't know much of what happened afterwards.
I don't remember coming back, having a bath, or falling asleep.
I just remember days later. I was swimming and suddenly, it was like I'd awoken from a coma.
At first, I didn't remember what had happened.
Then I did, and I remembered it all in excruciating detail.
Then all and I could do was cry.
I cried for days.
I didn't sleep. I didn't eat.
I just cried and screamed, all the time, constantly thinking about what I'd done.
The only time I'd stop crying was when Shuu was with me.
Every night he'd bring me tea that made me drowsy, and then he'd read to me and stroke my hair.
For a few moments, it would be peaceful, and my guilt would slip away from me.
But of course, that morning, he would come back.
He appeared in mirrors, in glass windows, as a smirking reflection. He appeared in the pool.
I'd be swimming—the only activity I was capable of doing at the moment, that, and crying—and suddenly, the pool would fill with red. I'd be surrounded by his guts, his brain, his jellied eyes.
When I closed my eyes, all I could see was his evil grin. When it was silent, I heard his laughter from down the hall.
Lyra too, made her appearances.
Her hot breath on my neck, her body next to mine in bed, her hand trailing up my thigh. Her whispers.
All ended by a loud bang, and that laughter from down the hall.
I didn't say anything at first, I didn't want Shuu to think I was stupid. I just let them appear, and I began crying and screaming again.
The more I sobbed, the more they both started appearing.
In the pages of books, diagrams, in faces in wood, their names in whatever Shuu was reading. I remember attempting to study for the first time since the incident, and every sentence in my textbooks spelt out both their names.
That was when I told Shuu.
He was so gentle, as expected. So loving, so warm.
He told me how silly I was, and gave me my tea. I felt so drowsy, and fell asleep then and there.
That was when he started bringing me tea in the mornings.
At first, the tea makes me drowsy, normally after I've spent the previous day especially distraught—it must be because it exhausts me, Shuu says.
Other times, the tea seems to make me feel so...different.
I feel so full of energy—as though I could run so fast I could fly. Sometimes so full of energy that I start having a panic attack.
And when I feel like that, I feel so much more love. But the only person I see now is Shuu, so I think maybe I annoy him, because it makes me want to be close with him. All the time.
And the tea makes me giggly, so I can't imagine he finds that quite pleasant, but whatever!
He'd never get angry with me. He loves me. He takes care of me. He would never hurt me. He would never. Never.
So I'm sure it's fine with him.
Besides, most of the time he sends me to do exercise—because he knows it makes me feel good and I suppose to help me burn off some energy, but honestly, it just makes me feel more energised.
Like, last week, I slept twice in the whole week—and I barely ate anything!
The tea makes me want to be hungry, did I mention that?
And that's so great, because I'm so thin right now. I don't think I've ever been this skinny.
It feels so nice. I feel so light. I feel like the wind could carry me anywhere. I'd like that.
Besho and Lyra are still here when I feel this good, but I laugh at them now. I laugh at everything.
I'm just so, so happy, and full of love!
For everything.
I have love for every human. Every animal. Every plant. Love for every microorganism. Every particle in every universe.
Sometimes my love is so strong that I feel it tingling inside of me.
Love.
So much love.
Just love.
Pure love.
Love.
Love.
Love.
I would never have thought it possible to love so much, when I only see one person.
And I never would've imagined it was so easy to forget about the other people I'd once loved.
I can't remember the last time I thought about Dory or Genesis.
Shuu says they're cruel. That they don't want to be around me anymore, because of what I've done. He says they say cruel things about me, and that I don't need them.
He's right.
But I can't blame them. What I did was awful.
But I don't have to see them again. I don't have to see anyone else again.
So I don't care what they say.
I just hope that they're happy.
Because I am.
I am.
So happy.
Some people don't believe me, but I'm telling you.
I have never been happier.
Anyone who can't see that is stupid, and I don't need them, and that includes Pasha.
I mean, who does he think he is? Coming into my bedroom and acting all jittery, begging me to come with him. He even cried!
It was so manipulative, I swear.
And then when I said no, because of course I did, he started accusing me of being on drugs. As if Shuu would just let me do drugs all day.
Shuu came in then, and Pasha started accusing him of giving me drugs.
Needless to say, he hasn't come back. He hasn't even texted. But then again, I don't have a phone anymore. I don't even know where it is.
But I'm glad Pasha isn't here anymore. I'm way happier with Shuu than I was with him, so you know, it only proves how useless he is.
Yeah, I'm glad I don't have those people around me anymore. They're just toxic people, and Shuu isn't toxic at all.
Shuu is so loving when he's here. He is so protective. He is so sweet. I'm so lucky to have him.
He gives me such nice things, such a nice life. I don't have to worry, because all I do, every day, is exercise. All-day.
I mean, I study online now, but most of the time my work ends up all squiggly. I just get so excited, because it's so interesting! But then I forget to write properly and I just do the same thing over and over again.
I should work on that, I don't wanna fail even more than I am...but it's so frustrating, and so exciting.
And Shuu said he'll pay the university to keep me on as long as I can stay home, so it's fine!
But that also means I don't have to work as hard, and that's been so good, because then I can exercise more, and that's good for my mental health.
My life is so nice now. It's so much better.
I'm so grateful, and so privileged, to have this life.
Shuu forgets to feed me sometimes, but that's ok, because I don't want to eat.
Oh, and sometimes he hurts me, but it's on accident, and it's ok. It's okay that he hurts me. He's not human, I can't expect him to soften because of my weak humanity. Can I?
Besides, I think it's kinda cute. Don't you?
And it's only fair. I have this nice life in exchange for the odd scratch or broken wrist.
I don't have to worry about anything else here. I have nice clothes. I'm tired a lot. I have nice jewellery. I don't have friends. I have a beautiful bedroom. I don't have to go to university. I don't have to speak to anyone. I don't have anyone judging me about my weight, or asking stupid questions.
I don't have anything.
Aha.
I don't have anything.
I don't
I
oh
oh dear
im so
this is pathetic
huh
i am pathetic
i have become pathetic
aha
aha
huh
huh
huh
why do i feel like this
suddenly
i dont feel right
whats going on
what has been happening
what have i been doing
i feel sick
i need someone
i feel so cold
i kinda wish i had someone here
someone who wouldnt hurt me
i wish dory were here
i
im so stupid
i need some tea
I had a nosebleed just now.
I still feel sick.
I think I fainted.
I'm lying in bed writing this. There's blood everywhere.
I must've cut myself, or those from Shuu? I don't know. They're all bleeding, anyway.
And my schoolbook's here, but it's not my book anymore. It just says: 'BUNNYBUNNYALLANALLANBUNNYREPTILIANHAHAHAGOBYEBYEBUNNYALLANALLANALLANBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEHELLOALLANALLAN'
I don't know what that means, but I'm not sure I want to.
I can't sleep.
I don't know what time it is.
I have a headache. I need more tea.
I—
Oh. It's okay now.
I think Shuu's home.
He's been out a lot recently.
I hope he's not angry about the blood. I hope he can give me some tea.
Shuu is excited.
He didn't read to me last night, but he fucked me for the first time in ages. I didn't really feel into it, but it was nice to be touched by him so much.
Afterwards, he told me why—he said he'd found a ghoul with an interesting scent. I wasn't really that interested.
"He's quite small, but my God; that smell—"
"I want tea."
"He might just spend too much time around humans, but I need to know what's going on there. I mean, of course, I can't eat ghouls—just my luck to get those genes, but I have to try!"
"Can I have tea?"
"I even stopped by his university earlier—we're going to this cafe. It's going to be so...wonderful."
"That's nice, but can I have some tea?"
"Oh! And—"
He's ignoring me tonight.
He must be really excited about this.
That's good. Good for him.
I hope it doesn't last too long. I don't like this.
I know he's happy, and that should make me happy, but I'm not.
Everything is cold.
Everything is lonely.
Maybe writing this was a mistake.
All of a sudden, I don't feel happy anymore.
I haven't got out of bed in days.
I can't.
It's like, all of a sudden, I'm so exhausted. Everything is exhausting.
And my tea is making me drowsy.
I just lie in bed and sleep, or cry, or wonder what Dory's doing.
At least Shuu's still here.
He comes in every morning and night with my tea, he strokes my hair. He doesn't read to me much, he just talks about his new little obsession.
I don't care.
After Sunday I won't have to listen to it—his obsession will be dead and I can go back to normal.
He will pay attention to me again. He will give me the right tea again.
And everything will be okay.
I just have to get through these next few days alone.
It'll be fine.
Everything will be fine.
It has gotten worse.
Shuu came back all excited on Sunday.
He fucked me again.
This time it was so much more frantic. He wasn't saying my name. He came so quickly, and yet carried on.
Again, I was just glad to be so touched so much.
And he was so excited.
He told me all about his new meal—a one-eyed ghoul.
I don't know what that means. Maybe I would've cared, once.
I also don't understand.
He said he couldn't eat this thing before because of his mutated genes or something, but now he's all excited to eat it, even though it's still gonna make him sick.
"What on earth are you talking about?"
"You could get like, cancer or something. I don't want that."
"Don't be so stupid, Charlotte. It's hardly going to hurt me if I do it once."
"But—"
"Just be quiet. Why are you trying to ruin this for me?"
"I'm not. I'm worried."
"You're stupid. You just can't stand to see me enjoying something that isn't you."
"No! I love you! I want you to enjoy things. I just want you to actually be here to enjoy things!"
"You're just stupid," He'd said, waiting, looking at me expectantly, "Go on. You'll start crying now."
"Of course I will! I don't want you to get hurt because of something so—"
"Pleasurable? You're pathetic. Cry alone and cry silently. And don't come out of this room until I collect you."
"What? No! Where are you going? Don't make me sleep alone."
"Don't you dare touch me! I don't want you anywhere near me. You're disgusting," He spat, "You've upset me. Of course you have."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"
"Shut up. I don't want to listen to you—And get your hands off of me! Are you deaf now too? You're foul, Charlotte, dégoûtant. You know that, don't you?"
"Shuu, please, I'm only worried—"
"I bet you are," He snapped.
"No," I cried, "I'm so worried about you. Please, I know you're excited about this, but—"
"You think I need you worrying over me?"
"N-No! I'd never think that!"
"I should hope not. I'm not the one who can barely go outside without crying."
I gulped. He went to leave, "No!" I cried, "Please don't go! I'm sorry! I'll be good. I won't say another word. I swear. Don't leave me in here again. Please."
I reached out and grabbed his hand.
He pushed me, and I smacked my head on the bed. I began crying.
"Don't touch me! Get your pathetic little—Urgh!" He stepped back, wiping away my touch.
"I'm sorry!"
"Shut up. If you try to—Get your disgusting hands away from me; God knows you've been touching yourself."
"No! I would only ever touch you!"
"Didn't I tell you to shut up? Are you deaf or just dumb, Charlotte?"
"..."
He sighed, narrowing his eyes, "Listen here, you pathetic little—" He stopped himself, "You will stay in here. For as long as I say. Is that clear?"
"Mmmmmhmm."
"Is that clear, Charlotte?"
"..."
"Answer me!"
"You told me to shut up!"
"Oh, stop crying. You're such a baby. Goodness. Just—Stay in here. Go to sleep. Don't make a noise. If I here you shed another tear, or if you do that bloody wailing thing, I swear to my Gods—You'll be sleeping in the woods."
I stared, now eagerly trying to stop crying.
"Is that clear? Or not? Did I use a long word?"
I shook my head.
"Then get into bed. And shut up."
And that was that.
He slammed the door, locked it twice, and I haven't seen him since.
I think that was three days ago.
I think he's keeping me away from him longer because I broke the rule.
After he left, I started crying.
I couldn't help it.
I lay in bed, and all these tears suddenly started coming, and I couldn't breathe—all I could do was try to stifle my choking sobs, but that only made them louder and...
And I could hear him, slamming things around, screaming at me from beyond the door.
That only made me cry more.
I was shuddering in my bed, thinking, OhmyGod, he's going to come in here and hit me. He's going to shout at me. He's going to hurt me.
It was like being thirteen all over again.
Only he didn't come in. And after a while—after some point in the early morning—it stopped. He stopped.
And I suddenly felt so alone.
Suddenly I was thinking about Dory again, and wondering if he was happy.
I hope he is.
I hope he'll have a nice, happy life.
Like me.
Because I'm happy.
I'm so lucky.
Any other man would've come in that night and hit me. Any other man might've killed me!
But not Shuu, because he loves me.
Because he's so kind and loving.
Because he knows what I need, more than anyone.
He'll come and let me out soon. Today, maybe.
I can't wait.
I have to apologise first, and he will put his hand on my head and make me promise never to speak against him again, and I'll tell him how stupid and pathetic I am.
And then everything will be fine again.
For a few days, anyway.
It's just like Erik!
He used to be the same. I think some men just have issues with their emotions.
Which is fine!
I don't mind.
They love me! So I have to deal with it.
It's fine.
I love him, so it's fine.
And it's not his fault.
I shouldn't be so stupid. Or pathetic.
No.
I'm going to be better.
For him.
Like I was with Erik.
He'll see.
He'll see that I'm not disgusting. He'll think about how wonderful I am.
I'll show him what a good girl I am.
Just like I did with Erik!
Just like that.
Perfect.
Shuu didn't let me out earlier, but now I really need to pee, and I'm not going in the corner again.
Oh!
I hear footsteps!
Ok. Ok.
I'm just gonna sit on my bed. Hang my head. Oh! Wipe my tears.
I hope I look sorry enough.
Ooo! He's unlocking the door!
"Are you done crying?" He asks.
He's talking to me—and not shouting!
"Yes," I say. Can't be casual—he might think that's disrespectful.
He's in here!
Oh—he's so beautiful! I forgot how beautiful he is! So wonderful! So brilliant!
I need him to forgive me right away! I need to touch him!
I must not stare though. Or drool.
That's disgusting.
"What did I tell you about crying?" He asks, his voice is so cold—I can feel it.
"I'm sorry," I say, my voice breaking.
Pathetic.
"Are you? Or is that another lie?"
I'm not a liar.
But I won't say that.
That's back talking and he'll shout at me.
"I'm so sorry," I say, "You told me...You told me not to cry, and I did. I'm sorry."
"Why did you cry, Charlotte? Why couldn't you stop?"
"Because...I'm stupid," My voice is going quiet, I try to make it louder but I mustn't shout, "And I'm pathetic, and...weak. And I'm disgusting. A-And I know that...I do. I'm nothing."
"Do you believe that?"
"Yes. I am a baby. A pathetic little baby. And that's why...That's why—I know that that's why I need you. Because you're not that. You know what's best for me. You're so smart, and strong. I need you. I'm so sorry. You're right. You're always right about everything. I'm so sorry, I'm so pathetic and stupid and disgusting. You should hate me. Do you hate me? Could you? Please? You should. Because I'm so terrible. Please, tell me you hate me."
Great. Now I look even more pathetic.
Now he's going to shout at me.
Oh, God, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.
He stares at me, sternly. And I'm wondering if he's going to hit me, "Do you even know what that means? Can you even be sorry, Charlotte?"
"I mean every word of it. I swear. I love you. I do. I'd be nothing if it weren't for you. You saved me. You're everything to me. I'm so stupid. I'd never mean to hurt you. But I did, because of how stupid I am. And I'm so, so sorry. I love you. I swear, I'll never do it again. Ever. I'll be so good. So, so good. I promise."
"Empty promises?"
"Never."
"I swear, on my life, I love you."
"On your life, hm?"
I nod.
He stares at me some more, before placing his hand on my head, "You're right. You do need me. Look at you—how would you survive out there? Pathetic. Yes. You need me."
"Mhm," I feel myself relax slightly.
"You'll be good? You promise?"
"Mhm."
"Charlotte."
"I promise. I'll be good."
"And you won't interfere in my business again?"
"No. Never."
"Hm," He strokes my head, "Good girl."
He pulls me into him, snd I accept it, so willingly, "Such a good little girl," He says, stroking my hair, "Be this good forever and I won't have to hit you again."
"Uhuh."
"You understand why I did it, don't you?"
"Yes. You had no choice. You had to."
"Exactly," He kisses my forehead, "That's exactly right. Come on now, sweetheart, let's get you some tea."
I find myself elated at the thought of tea.
That energetic buzz. That exciting paranoia. The warm and gooey love it brings to me.
Eeee!
Could this day get any better?
I got Shuu back, and I get to have my tea!
Oh, what a blessed day this is!
It's perfect.
It's gonna be so happy!
This day will be brilliant, as will tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, and so on.
Eeee!
So exciting!
Everything's so perfect!
Everything will be so perfect!
Today is going to be wonderful.
Sorry!
It got too long, so I had to split into parts lol.
The next part is more graphic btw!
It'll be out tomorrow or the next day.
Thanks for reading!