Chapter 48- Astrid Clearwater
My leg finally buckles under me and I fall forward onto the sandy beach, even with Elowyn holding onto my arm. I have to get back up; I need to keep going. A sudden chill rushes through me and my teeth chatter.
"Astrid, you okay?" Elowyn asks, kneeling down beside me. She's talking again, but she hasn't smiled or made any jokes today. Not that there's anything to joke about.
"I'm fine," I say, but my teeth chatter as I say it.
"I don't think you are."
I have to be okay; I won't let them see me as weak. I won't. "I'm fine."
Elowyn looks at me, and she gets shimmery for a second before she looks normal again. "Let me see your leg," she says quietly. I shake my head.
"It's fine, I'm fine. We have to- we have to keep going."
"Astrid, let me see your leg." I don't want her to see it, don't want the rest of Panem to see me injured and sick. I have to keep moving, but I don't know where I'm going or what's going to happen. We just can't stay here, or the mutts will come back, or tributes, or something.
"You're sick," Elowyn says, still looking at me. I shake my head.
"I'm not. We have to go." But when I try to stand up, I'm shaking too hard to go anywhere and I sink back down onto the sand. One second I'm freezing cold, the next the arena's hotter than ever before.
"Please. Let me." Elowyn pulls up my blue-bloodstained pant leg, and I don't stop her. The throbbing in my leg just gets worse when she unwraps the bandage, but I don't see my injuries. I just look up at the sky, blue and cloudless, and I hear Elowyn hiss through her teeth.
"Astrid, I-"
"Just say it." The sky is blue, and for a moment it shimmers just like Elowyn did; a haze of something bright floating in front of my eyes.
Elowyn sits back on her heels. "It's infected. I'm sorry."
"Antiseptic," I tell her. It's the only word that comes to mind through my foggy head.
"I can try, but-"
"What is it?"
Elowyn breathes out a long breath. "It's not good, Astrid. Maybe blood poisoning. I don't know."
A shudder runs through me, and my teeth chatter again. I can feel the sun's heat on my face, but it's not going into me. I'm cold, so cold.
"Here, I'll do the antiseptic and see if it helps at all," Elowyn says, taking off her backpack so she can rifle through it. Blood poisoning. That's a death sentence in here. Those stupid mutts; I shouldn't have gone to the Cornucopia. It's my fault; we shouldn't have gone. First Tilling, then me.
"It's going to hurt," she warns me.
"I know," I whisper back. I'm hot again, and I can feel my heart beating quickly in my chest. I can't die, not now. I have to win; I promised Mama. I promised myself. Fat lot that 7 in Training did for me, if the Capitol's going to kill me anyway.
"Brace yourself," Elowyn warns, just as she pours the antiseptic over my leg. It's excruciating, but I don't scream; I don't let myself scream. Even if they're going to kill me, they're not going to see me cry. I've got to show District 3 to the end. Still, it's as though Elowyn's pouring coals into my leg, and it makes black spots dance in front of my eyes.
"I'm sorry," she says, and I hear her cap the bottle. "It's over, I promise. I'm just going to wrap it up again." I manage a nod, but the shimmering sky is back, and everything hurts.
I've come so far from the streets of District 3, haven't I? All the way to die on this beach.
As though she can read my mind, Elowyn says, "You're not going to die. You'll be fine." But when I look at her, I can see through her words, and she's scared. She doesn't believe what she's saying, and neither do I. For her benefit, though, I play along.
"I'll be fine," I repeat, letting my head fall back into the sand. Elowyn takes her jacket off and rolls it up, sticking it under my head. With a gentle hand, she feels my forehead, almost like how Mama does when Axel and I are sick.
"You've got a fever. We'll stay here for the night."
"We should keep going, though. We need water again." My teeth chatter as cold shivers run up and down inside me.
"I'll find something. So just stay put," she says, moving to stand up. I grab her sleeve and keep her down.
"You could go," I whisper. If I'm actually dying, then Elowyn should win. The last person I want as victor is Circuit, and he's still out there somewhere. Elowyn could go and win, without me.
She shakes her head. "I'm not going to ditch you."
"I-" I start, but she cuts me off.
"Gwennie wouldn't leave you, and neither will I," she says firmly. "Now rest. I'll figure something out."
As another chill runs through me, I nod, before looking up to the shimmering sky. Black spots dance in front of the blue, growing larger and larger, until they're everything I see.
And then I see nothing.
The apartment is cold as ice, and pitch black. Why haven't they turned the lights on?
"You're supposed to be dead." I whirl around, and Beetee's sitting in a chair, hands together like he's praying.
"I'm not going to die. I'm going to win. You saw my 7," I say, crossing my arms. Beetee laughs.
"A 7? They're just pitying you. Like a District 3 girl could be worth much!"
"I'm worth more than you!"
Beetee laughs harshly again, like the girl from 2. "You? Worth more than me? You're just a skinny redhead nobody likes. Look at your ally; she's just using you to win."
"She's not. I'm using her," I snap back.
"And look how well that's worked out," he says, pushing his hands against the arms of his chair to stand up.
"So why don't you help me?"
Beetee walks over to me, and it's like he's grown a foot taller since the last time I saw him. Roughly he takes my chin in his hand and turns my face up. "Because I chose Circuit of course."
I shake myself loose. "Why would you do that? He's a write off; he should be dead."
He smiles, and his teeth are as sharp as the turtle mutts'. "Because nobody will ever support you."
I shake with the cold, but it's cold on my face now, cold on my hands. And above me, the sky is pink and yellow; sun setting colors. I can feel Elowyn nearby; I can hear her singing quietly, but I only catch a few words.
"Willow, willow, bend and twine.
Do you remember when you were mine?
Blue sky in morning, black sky in night,
Do you remember when you were my light?"
Tilling sits in front of me on a pile of supplies, looking half drowned and wild. "You left me to die!" she shrieks.
"You didn't come with us; I wasn't going to die for you!"
"You're going to die," Tilling says with more venom than I've ever heard her speak with before. "And my family will be happy for it."
"I won't," I tell her. "I'm not going to."
Under me, the Cornucopia quakes, and black water rushes in from outside. Tilling howls with laughter as she rots away in front of me, until she's barely human. Her hands, black and decrepit, wrap into my hair and pull me back towards her. I can't escape, can't move, even as the thick black water fills the horn and drags me down with it.
I shake my head, feeling my damp hair against my cheek. The world is black, black as the water, but somewhere there's music. Trumpets. And above me in the dark sky, the Capitol seal appears, burning like fire. Elowyn's not singing; I don't know where she is.
Only one face, a boy's. Who? I don't know who, my head is too foggy.
"Who?" I whisper.
"Boy from 8," Elowyn replies from a few feet away. "He's dead."
I nod, but my head lolls to the side, and it's too hard. He's dead. Dead. And I don't know who he is.
"Have a little water, Astrid," Elowyn says, and she's pouring a little into my mouth. Water.
"You're going to be okay," she says. "You are."
"Okay," I whisper back, as the Capitol seal disappears and we're all in darkness again.
"Mama?"
She's sitting by the stove in her favorite dress. "Astrid?" she says, and she smiles at me, holding her arms out.
"I'm home, I promised I'd come home," I tell her, throwing myself into her arms.
"You did," she whispers back, stroking my hair. Suddenly, she grabs it and pulls my head back; it hurts.
"Mama, stop!" I shout, but she's not my mother, she's the girl from District 2, and she has a knife against my throat.
"I told you I'd kill you," she hisses, and drives the knife through my chest.
Something white, or maybe silver above me. A moth. No. Too big for a moth. Elowyn gasps next to me, and she holds her arms out to receive the moth, catching it in her arms.
"Trixie!"
Axel shouts to me, running across the sand in the sunset.
"Axel, stop! No!" I scream, but he keeps coming.
And the sand opens up and swallows him whole.
Something stabs my side; a knife. Elowyn's stabbing me; she wants to win, so she's decided to kill me.
I'm not weak. I'm not weak.
I'm better than they thought I was. I got the 7.
Beetee, why did you leave me?
And everything goes dark again.