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After the long talk with Anne on Sunday, Gilbert felt much calmer, focused and confident. At least, as he told Fred on Monday morning, he felt they were getting somewhere and they would be much more focused and clear on what they wanted. It was good. They still had issues to work on, but they were going to manage.
They also chatted over breakfast about when they could expect Ella. She had the habit of optimistically thinking she was going to spend days (or weeks) at her mother and grandma's place in Sudbury, only to become increasingly exasperated and cut her visit short and appear back in Hamilton without notice. And this one had been already long, by what Gilbert remembered. He wanted to fix things with Anne and go back home, but if he was honest with himself, he also wanted to at least say hi to Ella. Not that they didn't talk often either way. He continued eating her sugary cereal as Fred rolled his eyes in something that had become a running joke over the years as he had some granola, and eventually they went together to the hospital as they used to do while in their residences, when they still lived together.
Dr. Yang was busy that day, but they agreed to talk on Tuesday, and so the day was quiet and without any surprises. He went out for lunch with Fred as he exchanged occasional texts with Anne. In a tacit agreement, they had decided to ignore what he deemed in his head The Big Topics, and were talking about their day, Anne sending him photos of Cole's latest project, her walk around Cole and Roy's temporal neighborhood and how she was baking cookies for them. The other things they could discuss in person, once he went to Toronto in the afternoon.
As he had done the previous day, he texted her when he was downstairs and waited patiently for her to come down, with a better idea of what to expect than he had had the previous day, but still some slight anxiety. He waited close to the door of the building, and she arrived soon enough. That afternoon she was smiling, although he also saw some worry in her eyes.
"How are you, Anne-girl?" he asked, smiling softly as she got to where he was standing. She gave him a quick kiss and he held her hand.
"Good," she said. They exchanged a few comments about their days as they started to walk, he told her about the appointment he had set with Yang the following day. In relief, both felt how the attitude they had had the previous day was unchanged and they were still in problem-solving mode. He was thinking about how to introduce back some of the topics they still had to discuss when she veered into that direction. "So… I wanted to talk to you about my writing."
"Ok…" he said, not really knowing what to expect.
"It's nothing like I said on Saturday, Gil. I'm really sorry about talking before thinking, it's… not conducive to anything good and my words were out of place and hurtful," she said. He nodded, not wanting to say anything. "The thing is… I don't know how to do this. Or if I'm just pretending to write… and I'll realize down the road I made a huge mistake. It's not that I don't want to write, because I do, but it's such a gamble, and then… I can be just a failure in that as well."
"Anne, you're hardly a failure in anything you set your mind to," Gilbert said, frowning.
"I'm just afraid of… letting me down," she confessed, looking at the floor. Gilbert looked at her. She continued, her voice low. "Letting you down. Everyone else. I can have been writing something really worthless and pretending to be a writer, and then what? What if at some point I am convinced I'm doing it but it's just shit what I'm writing? Or what if maybe it isn't, but I just feel like I'm not doing anything and I feel like it's worthless?" she asked him. He didn't reply immediately and they walked in silence for a moment.
"I think the thing you have to focus on here is why you're writing and how comfortable you feel about me putting in the bulk of the income for now," he said in a gentle voice. She looked at him. "Because I know that's something that worries you as well, even if you didn't mention it just now, isn't it?" she nodded. He knew her well. "So, why do you want to write, Anne?"
"I just… I keep thinking about all these stories, and there's so much scope for the imagination in the world, and writing it brings everything to life… And then I get to share it, and you know, I feel like books can change a person's life. Stories make you question yourself, and live incredible adventures, and see the world through different eyes. It's huge, I believe. Infinite," she explained, struggling to put into words what moved her to write. "When I start writing… It's like I transport myself to another world, like I can do anything. Everything is possible. And then I think about kids, about how they have yet to experience all this, and it just blows my mind… and I kind of want to take part in it, you know? Take children to see every magical world I can come up with?" she continued and noticed Gilbert's eyes on her. "What?"
"I just love seeing you talk with so much passion about writing," he confessed."So that's why you want to write. How can that be worthless? Anne, it's amazing."
"The concept of it is! The actual writing… I have no idea, Gil. Because you know as well as I do that thinking about something and actually doing it are different things," she countered.
"Yes, but you also know how many things in life don't come just out of a natural talent but take a whole lot of practice. How are you supposed to improve in your writing if it isn't writing?" he asked. She bit her lip and he sighed, thinking about how to explain where he was coming from. "No one is born knowing everything and being talented from the get-go. Unless you're Mozart, or… people like that. But my point is, most artists in the world have the passion you have, and then the consistency to keep going even after the first thousand attempts go bad. Even when the world keeps telling them to not do it anymore, they keep going because they have something to tell the world, to express or to let out. And this is coming from someone who studied to look for weird cells."
"But then there's the… possibility of me never gaining enough experience, of never being good enough to be published, to… do anything with it."
"And that's why I asked you why you want to write. When I asked, you never mentioned getting rich out of selling books. Because that's not your motivation. Am I wrong?" he asked, lifting an eyebrow.
"I still have to make a living out of something," she mumbled.
"And we'll go there in a moment. Anne, do you write because you want to get published? Like, published in an editorial, selling books, becoming famous, the whole thing? Or because you want to get your words out and share them? There's no right or wrong answer, Carrots."
"Because I want to get my words out and share them, as you put it," she said, blushing.
"There are a million ways in which you can do that that don't involve editorials. You can even self-publish if that's what you want. Ella told me about a writer that did that initially and now she's won a ton of prizes?" he said, unable to remember the name of the author. Anne chuckled. He shook his head and continued. "You can write online and do a blog or something. There's no limit now, Anne."
"I… kind of get it, Gil. But still, it would be nice to be a published author, you know?"
"Of course it would be. And I'm sure that if you keep writing, you will be at one point," he said. "How's your project with Kak'wet going?"
"We're… just waiting now. We wrote the book, did the best we could to be true to her and her culture, and are now just waiting to hear back from editorials. But they haven't said anything yet, and every day that goes by I think they're just laughing at us," she confessed.
"I don't think it's a decision that they take lightly, they probably take a couple of months before deciding anything," Gilbert said. "Wait and see what they say. Even if they reject your book, they'll probably say why they did that… And you'll learn from this and do better next time."
"That's something, I guess," she sighed. He nodded. They walked in silence for a moment. "I still have to live off something, you know?" she said tentatively. Because even if she hadn't mentioned that in the beginning, Gilbert was right. She still wasn't completely comfortable just living off him.
"Anne, not to damp your dreams, but as far as I know, unless you write a best-seller, being a writer almost never gives enough money to live off that," he said. And she nodded, because she also knew that. Which was mainly why she had never quit her job teaching, because she knew that, even if she managed to write the book and publish it, the chances of her living out of that were slim.
"I know… But I don't love the idea of not earning anything. I mean, I do have savings, but using them as spending money was never the plan, eventually they will just disappear if I don't keep adding to them," she said.
"I understand," he said, getting the idea of why just spending everything without any reassurance that it was going to go back wasn't enough when she still wasn't comfortable with him just paying for things. "Look… I know we already had a version of this conversation, but that clearly wasn't enough to ease your worries. So instead of me reassuring you about how completely on board I am with you pursuing what moves you, why don't you tell me how you would feel more comfortable?"
"I… I don't know, Gil," she confessed. Because she was at a loss.
"We can go by parts, if you'd like? Maybe that way we can come up with some ideas?" he proposed. She nodded, unsure. "So… So far, I've been covering the day to day expenses. The rent, the car, groceries, utilities… all that stuff. Is there something you'd like to change about that?"
"It's… I don't think that's the way to go about this," she shook her head. He looked at her, frowning. "It's… Look, I understand that you want me to pursue this. And believe me when I say I appreciate it, even if I feel like I'm going headfirst down a cliff with this writing thing. But…"
"I'm just trying to understand you, Anne," he said gently as she trailed off and didn't add anything else. "What is it that irks you? Not being able to pay for half the things, not having money of your own, or not having any income at all and spending your savings?"
"I… don't mind you paying for more than half of things," she acknowledged. He looked at her. "I do understand that in most households one partner earns more than the other, and I think it's fair that it's proportionate, so I don't actually mind you paying for more than half. I know it would go both ways."
"It's that you think it isn't proportionate?" he tried, looking at her as he raised an eyebrow.
"Yes! Because you 100% and me 0% doesn't make much sense," she explained. He nodded.
"But right now, if you want to put in something, then you're depleting your savings," he added, and she nodded. "Look, you already know my stance on this. I'm happy for you to stay home and work on your writing or do whatever you need to pursue that. But, if you're so worried or uncomfortable about this, what could be a source of income for you? Have you thought about that?"
"You know as well as I do that no one wants to hire me as a teacher," she replied, frowning. She actually couldn't remember the last time she had sent a resume with any kind of hope. And it was September. About the worst moment to look for a teaching job.
"I'm not talking about that. Because then you wouldn't have time to write, and it would be counterproductive. It wouldn't make sense. But how about… I don't know, I may be crazy, but can't you write articles for a magazine? For an online portal? Maybe do an online course for families with young kids that they can do at home while on lockdown?" he proposed. Anne looked at him, wide-eyed. "A job is not the only way to go around things, Anne. And I don't even mean that you get a full income out of that, just enough so you can have a peace of mind and time to focus on your writing, if that's what you want."
"That… could actually make some sense," she acquiesced. He nodded, smiling softly at her. "It's not that I don't appreciate your offer, Gil."
"It's that you need your independence. I understand that," he reassured her. "You know the offer is there if you ever want it, but if you can do more things that enrich you, why not? Who knows, maybe you can start getting a name for yourself out there and when you have the book it will be easier to publish."
"Maybe I could start a blog? Like an educational blog, and put some short stories in there?" she said.
"That could be a nice idea, do you know how to do that?" he asked. She shook her head.
"Not in the slightest. And probably that doesn't even work anymore, I know it was a thing years ago… But maybe? At least, as you say, I get to practice writing," she said and he nodded. "And we have a couple of friends with kids… And Fred and Ella are having a baby… So maybe they can share it with other families or something, you know?"
"That could be a good idea. And you still have some contacts from when you worked, right?" she nodded. They had been useless for finding work, but maybe for sharing a new project? That was different. Maybe that could work. "Just try to not forget about what you really want to do. If… this thing we're talking about now, be it a blog, a course, articles or whatever, becomes something you're passionate about and you no longer want to write your books, that's fine as well. What I mean is only that you try not to lose the north while doing this."
"I won't. And it will probably take a while before I can get any money out of any of this," she confessed. He nodded.
"There is no rush. You have time to make it in good conscience and pay attention to the details and get it right. And if you don't, you can always… reformulate," Gilbert said. Then he remember something from the morning, when a nurse had asked him about Anne. He looked at her and asked, in a teasing tone, "You know who will be excited?"
"Who?"
"The nurses. For some reason, they're obsessed with you. Today one asked me about you, why you had stopped posting pictures," he said. Anne laughed. "Probably too young to have kids of their own, but who knows? Maybe they have nephews and nieces?"
"Maybe," she smiled at him, beaming, and he couldn't help but return the smile. "I have so many ideas right now," she said. "I can't believe I never thought about any of this."
"I think you were really focused on writing your book with Kak'wet, which is great, or in looking for a very traditional job… Which is not something I can picture you doing. You need liberty, Anne. You can't be kept in a single place. So go around looking for options, knowing you have this… Knowing you have our home in either case. And if you happen to become a renowned author and have a blog and write articles and tons of things I can't really understand, then you can pay as much as you want of the expenses of the house," he said, making her feel much better.
"Thank you," she said.
"You don't have to thank me. I don't want to keep you from doing things. Or feeling that you shouldn't do them. That would be completely absurd. If anything, I just want to see how you manage everything," he said. She nodded, feeling much better after having this talk. They walked in silence for a moment and he toyed with an idea. He really wanted to talk with her about the future, but they were keeping that for last… But there again, talking about all this wasn't a bit like talking about the future?
"Gil? What are you thinking?" she asked, as she could see a slight frown in his forehead, deep in thinking.
"Just… About us, I guess," he explained. She looked at him, curious. He sighed. "You know I want to talk with you about the future, right?"
"Right…" she said, unsure of the direction this was going now.
"Well… I'm just debating with myself if what I have in mind is part of that talk or of this talk, but I think it goes in both," he explained. She raised an eyebrow. "So… There's this I want to discuss with you, and I don't expect you to give me an answer right away, because I don't want you to feel pressured or anything, ok?" he said. She nodded, feeling her heart skip a beat, not sure about what was going on. "You can always say no and I will completely understand."
"Gilbert, what on earth are you talking about?" she asked.
"It's… Well, I'd like for us to stop thinking about my money and your money, and my savings and yours…" he explained. She felt some relief wash over her. Because as much as she was… No, she wouldn't toy with that idea. Surely he wouldn't do that while they were walking around Toronto with no aim at all. He looked at her. "Anne?"
"Sorry, I got lost," she replied, blushing. "So your money, my money… What do you mean?"
"I mean we start looking at finances like a joint thing. Like we're together and it's not me paying rent, but us paying rent from a pool of money we both contribute to, in whatever capacity we're able, as equals," Gilbert explained again. What could Anne have been thinking? She nodded, lost in thought. "Anne? I really don't expect you to give me an answer today. I'm all about discussing it, if you want, but if you'd rather have some time… I completely understand."
"I'd like to think about it, Gil," she accepted. He nodded, not having expected anything different. "It's a big step."
"Anne… we were trying to get pregnant. You might be pregnant now. That's a big step," he countered, smiling softly. She smiled as well.
"That one was easier to take. I know I want my kids to have you as a dad. I've wanted kids for years, but I could never… I mean, it's not like Daniel was dad-material, you know?" she said, making Gilbert wince. "It was ridiculous. But you're everything I could wish for a father to my kids… Even back in school, it's not like I wanted to have kids right then and there, but for a little while I entertained the idea of how we could have a family in the distant future… And then everything went to shit. So now... it was very easy to decide that, once I realized I felt ready."
"Do you still feel that way? Ready?" he asked, her tone gentle, not wanting to assume anything.
"Well… I do wish we hadn't had this huge fight, you know?" she said. He nodded. "But I do think we needed to talk about… all this. About what we talked about yesterday, and today, and what we still have left to talk about. So I'm kind of… appreciative of the whole thing now, unlike last week. I'd rather we have all this worked out of the way before I become pregnant, but if I'm already… I don't regret a single thing. If I've realized something the past few days is that you're in this as much as I am, and that we're both here willing to put in the work, hard as it is."
"I'm glad you see it that way," Gilbert said, feeling relieved. For a second he had been scared about Anne changing her mind. If anything, all this had shown him how much he wanted Anne and a family with her. "I do too. We're worth all the hard work. And we'll have the family we want, you'll see," he told her, a smile in his eyes. He knew they would go back to this subject once they talked about the future, but it was still nice to have a general idea now.
"I was talking with Roy on Saturday about writing. He said, quite rightly, that no one said it was supposed to be easy," she commented. Gilbert looked at her. "I think that applies to relationships as well. They're not supposed to be easy. They're not supposed to hurt, either, but just because they don't fit some abstract ideal or fit anyone elses mold it doesn't mean it's wrong."
"That's quite right."
"I mean, if we compared any two couples between them, we could say any number of things… They're going too fast, too slow, we don't agree on their decisions. But in the end, this is just our life and as long as we're both committed to working through the hard things, and we actually work and talk and keep off doing the shitty stuff we did the past few weeks, no one should judge, you know?" she explained. He nodded. "It's not like I went to tell Jerry or Diana they weren't right for each other when they decided to get back together."
"You thought that?" he asked, raising his eyebrows in surprise.
"Kind of. I was just afraid of Jerry getting hurt all over again, but I wasn't as focused on them as I was trying to figure out what dating Lincoln was like. So…" she shrugged, looking around. "It's getting dark… What do you want to do?"
"We had mentioned talking about boundaries again? And then… well, probably getting too much into the future doesn't make sense for today, just think a bit about the finances thing?" he proposed, his mind steering back to the topics they had first defined.
"Maybe we both can think about the future… And we can talk about that in a couple of days? We don't have to rush this whole thing."
"You're right, of course. We could meet again on… say, Wednesday? That way tomorrow I get to talk with Dr. Yang. And if we don't finish on Wednesday, we can re-evaluate then."
"We can," she said. "But what I meant with my question was, do you want to turn back? Roy is preparing dinner and he said you could stay over… I'm still staying here, at least until we solve a bit more, right?"
"It makes sense. And dinner with them sounds good," Gilbert accepted. "So, boundaries?"
"Boundaries," Anne nodded. She stayed in silence for a moment, collecting her thoughts, and she supposed Gilbert was doing the same. "I feel like yesterday… well, we spoke some about that, and then we mainly focused on Winifred."
"We did… But I think we also needed to do that. For our peace of mind," Gilbert explained. Anne nodded.
"Agreed, completely. And I get what you said about how we were talking about something that might just not happen, but still, I think it brought both of us some peace of mind? I feel much better about the subject today… Not that I want to go back to it, honestly," she explained. He nodded. "But what I meant is… I think we should discuss non-Winifred related boundaries?"
"What, like with other people?" he asked, already contemplating what she meant.
"And with ourselves? Just in general?"
"Ok…. What do you have in mind?" Gilbert asked. He wasn't opposed to covering that topic again, but he was a bit lost on what Anne could be referring to.
"Well… Apart from Winifred, I think it's important we talk about things… I'd like you to trust me to tell me important things. Even if you think they'll hurt me. Telling me stuff before it grows and becomes a problem, instead of keeping them in to protect me," she said. He thought for a moment. It made sense, her request, even if he really didn't want to concede it. Why make her suffer for insignificant stuff? There was so much on his mind each day it just didn't make any sense and most of it didn't come to anything. "I don't mean you tell me everything, it wouldn't make any sense. I just mean things that have an impact on us."
"I will, Anne. Within reason," he said. She frowned, and he knew she didn't understand where he was coming from. "You really don't need to know everything that goes through my mind, but as you say, it's important we talk about things that might impact us, even if indirectly," he acknowledged. "I know I mentioned this yesterday… But still, I think it's important you understand why I am now the way I am."
"Regarding…?"
"Being in a relationship?" he said. She nodded. He had mentioned something the previous day. "After… After we graduated from school, and… I had to deal with my side of our misunderstanding, my first instinct was to close myself in. I didn't want to talk about what happened, I didn't want to talk about my life in Avonlea once I got to Toronto. It took months before I even told Fred about dad and Bash. I just didn't want to think or talk about anything. Eventually I opened up with him and with Ella, over the course of years."
"Gil, that's… So lonely," she said, her voice sad. He shrugged.
"It's… It was just one way to deal with that. You had others. We were young and a bit stupid, looking back. Anyway. So once I tried to date… I just never felt there was enough future in any relationship to explain everything, you know?" he said. She nodded. "It was just… too much work. It didn't make sense. I tried once, with… with a girlfriend I had. The only one that I considered had some kind of potential."
"What happened?" Anne asked. She knew a bit about his girlfriends. Bits and pieces of what he had told her, along with Ella and Diana's stories.
"Well… It was around the time Marilla was sick," he said, looking up as he tried to remember. "I was a walking mess, Fred and Ella knew what was going on. I had been dating Lottie for… I don't remember. Months. Six? Nine? And I hadn't even told her how… Unconventional my family was."
"She didn't know about John?"
"Or Bash, or the Cuthberts, or Elijah, or… Anything that had happened before I moved to Toronto," Gilbert explained. "So I was this walking mess, but nothing seemed to have changed, as far as she was concerned. It…" he sighed. "Well, she thought I was cheating on her, was concerned about my well-being… It wasn't pretty, Anne. All because I couldn't talk. Eventually she went to talk with Fred, and Fred then talked with me and told me if I wanted any kind of future with her I had to build trust. He was right, of course."
"So you did?"
"I told her some things. The… Basics, I guess? I didn't go into many details. I told her about Marilla, and dad, Bash… I really tried, because at the time I thought… I wanted a future with her, you know? I really wanted it to work," he explained. Anne nodded. She had really wanted Daniel to work. And Lincoln. Until she didn't. It was only normal that Gilbert had also wanted that.
"How was she?" she asked, curiosity taking over her. Because she had heard bits and pieces about her, but almost nothing from Gilbert, who had been the one to actually date her.
"Lottie was… super interesting to talk to. Had travelled a lot, and was very into sports. Really fun to be around, but at the same time shy and quiet. Wickedly smart, anything science she seemed to know. Pretty. Probably I have a photo of her on my laptop, I've never been one to clean my photos. I can show her to you if you want?"
"It's not necessary, Gil," she said, squeezing his hand. "So… You told her everything and…"
"I think it was too late?" he said. "I tried my best for months. Sharing, trying to build more trust, bringing her more into my life. It… Didn't work. She still thought I was thinking about someone else and she didn't think it was fair. I don't think it was either, looking back, but at the time I just felt… Like nothing I did work to get my life in order," he explained. Anne nodded, sad at how much effort Gilbert had put for nothing, "She broke things off. And eventually I got used to just sharing things with Fred, Ella, Bash and Mary. Diana and Cole, and well, the rest of the gang, to a lesser extent. And I do want a future with you, and I want to share things with you… And I've been doing as best as I can. But as I said yesterday, I still have a lot to learn and while I'll learn from my mistakes, I… might make them."
"It's not like I don't make plenty of mistakes as well. We just have to… be kind and patient with the other."
"Yes, agreed. And regarding what you said before, about talking about the important stuff. I agree, we should talk about things that impact us. It also goes for you…" he commented, and she nodded. "Talking and not running, Anne."
"Agreed. Talking and not running," she confirmed. They walked in silence for a moment. "You do get that it's not that I want us to tell us absolutely everything, right? It would be weird," she clarified, making him laugh.
"It would be bizarre," he acquiesced. "And we both need independence, otherwise it wouldn't work either. It's a matter of balance. Like before… before everything. I like when we were best friends, but that didn't mean telling each other every single thing."
"Right! I think that's a good aim… Like back then. While preventing ourselves from committing the same mistakes over and over again," Anne said. Gilbert nodded. "Exactly. I just meant important stuff, or things we think might grow into important stuff," she explained. He nodded. "And I agree about independence… I wouldn't want either of us to feel suffocated by the other. It's… like the finance thing. I will think about it, I promise. But I mean how I still think it's important that I have some degree of independence with that and also with whatever my work becomes."
"Of course," Gilbert. "It only makes sense. It's your work and if you need to provide income as well to feel comfortable, I don't have any objection. I just want us to make decisions together."
"Certainly," she accepted. They walked in silence for a moment. They were close to the Airbnb now. "There's something else. Our friends," she said, looking at him. He raised an eyebrow, slightly confused.
"Our friends?"
"Roy was talking to me on Saturday about how unfair it is for everyone that every time we fight they feel the need to jump in with advice, trying to sort things out for us. And I hadn't thought about it, but he is completely right, it's unfair to them and to us. We need to do this together. Not with them. It's not that I don't appreciate what they've done, or that I don't love them…"
"You just don't want them meddling," Gilbert provided.
"Exactly. I don't mind if you talk with Fred or Ella or whoever about things that worry you, or even about us if you need someone more impartial to bounce ideas, but… I don't want them interfering, if that makes sense?"
"It does. For the record, I don't mind if you ever need to talk with any of them. But I agree there has to be limits. We can't depend on them to solve our problems," he agreed. "What do you suggest?"
"Well… we agreed to talk every couple of weeks to see how everything is coming along, so hopefully it won't escalate to a full blown problem anymore, right?" Anne said. He nodded in agreement. That was the idea. "So… I guess it would be fine to talk with them if we want to? Just… if at any point something escalates, then… We can just keep it to ourselves? I don't know, Gil. I know we need some kind of boundary, but I don't know how to establish it. It's not like there's a manual, what works for someone might not work for someone else."
"We can go by that and then see if we need to adjust. If there is a conflict between us, we don't go to them, we resolve it between us. If it's… normal life, then we continue as we have so far. Right?" He wanted to confirm he was understanding her idea.
"That seems reasonable to me. I don't feel there was an issue until they started trying their best to make us better. So as long as we're good, talking with them doesn't seem to pose a problem..."
"Ok, so we're both on the same page. It makes sense."
"Anything you'd rather I didn't talk about with them?" she asked. While on topic… better to get it all out, right? Gilbert laughed, shaking his head.
"I don't care, Anne. It's your life as well. Go with your gut, don't trust their advice if it doesn't make sense to you, and don't feel the need to talk with me about what you talk with them. I think it would go in line with having privacy and boundaries in between us, as well," he said. He knew Anne talked with Diana and Cole about sex on occassion, and as long as she didn't tell him the details, he couldn't bring himself to care.
"Agreed, then. So, ready for dinner?" she asked, as they had stopped on the stairs of the building, wanting to finish off the conversation before going up. He nodded, and gave her a playful kiss.
Gilbert was tired as Fred drove back to his house on Tuesday afternoon. He'd had the meeting with dr. Yang after lunch, and he had explained, as best he could without completely breaching Annd and his privacy, how uncomfortable it would be if dr. Winifred Rose would work in the hospital. As he mentioned Anne, he knew he couldn't prevent the hospital from taking whatever decision was best for it, but he only asked for a heads up in case it ever came to that, so that he could prepare.
Dr. Yang had taken the whole thing more seriously than what he had thought he would, but had agreed with Gilbert: there was nothing he could do if it ever came to that, because it would be a decision he'd had to make with the board and not by himself. Especially since there was nothing concrete that had happened that he could use. He reassured him, however: if she ever applied for a position, he would let him know so he could take whatever measures he deemed necessary to safeguard his family. "I wouldn't worry too much, dr. Blythe. We have no use for a cosmetic surgery department, and we have much bigger worries at the moment," dr. Yang had concluded, turning the direction of their chat to how he was feeling with the classes.
And then he'd had to run to actually deliver a lecture (talking with Yang could make anyone lose notion of time), and he had thought about how depressed and miserable he had been when he'd had learnt the topic he was now teaching, on his first semester, when he was so caught up with Anne he couldn't function properly. Sometimes he couldn't believe Fred and Ella's patience to deal with him during those first years. The class had gone by quickly, in a somewhat energizing way that had left him animated as he walked out of the lecture hall. So different from when he was 21.
He had given Anne a call, telling her about his chat and listening to how she was spending her day. Not one to lose time, she was brainstorming names for the blog with Cole, as Roy was at the school, and designing a plan for different short courses she could prepare. He was eager to have her home, and to go back home, but he also knew that these few days apart would do both of them well. The confidence he felt knowing they would be better for this was enough to keep him relaxed. Still, he couldn't wait to fall asleep with her in his arms.
"Blythe," Fred said as he turned on the street where his house was. Gilbert looked at him. He had been absorbed in his thoughts for half the ride and Fred had turned up the volume, as they used to do way back. A great thing about Fred was that he didn't have the need to talk all the time. "Ella is home," he said, signaling the car that was now on the driveway.
"Oh, that's great," Gilbert smiled. Fred nodded, clearly happy. "So how long was this time?"
"Two and a half weeks," Fred said.
"That's some kind of record, right?"
"Longest she's been there since… before we got married, I believe," Fred commented. "Thank goodness you were here the past few days, I was going mental living by myself. Not that I like when you and Anne fight, just to be clear."
"I know. And next time, you know you can come over, right?"
"What, and sleep on your couch? Both of you come over, it'll be much more fun," Fred said, making Gilbert laugh, as he pulled over. They got down and went to the house. Bear lifted his head from where he was lying down, very close to Ella, and moved his tail happily without actually getting up, clearly not wanting to leave her side. Ella was on her laptop, earphones on, concentrating on something. She lifted her eyes when she heard the door close and almost bolted from her seat, making Bear almost jump.
"Freddie, I'm home! Gilbert, you're home!" she said, smiling widely and going over where they were taking their shoes off. She kissed Fred quickly and gave Gilbert a bone crushing hug, making him laugh. "So how's everything now?" she asked. Fred knelt down in front of Bear, caressing and greeting and cleaning some drool with the bib Ella must have put on him when she arrived.
"Better."
"Great. I knew you had it in you to fix things."
"We're not completely stupid," Gilbert said. "Hey, you're already showing!"
"A bit! Like it finally looks like I'm not bloated but I'm slightly pregnant," she said, making them laugh. "Wait, why are you here then if everything is better with Anne?" she asked, confused. "Not that I don't enjoy it, but…"
"I'm staying until we finish going through some things, then we'll go back home. But for now, some distance is good."
"Fair enough. So I'm guessing we won't have you long…" she said, and Gilbert could tell she felt conflicted.
"I understand, Ella. We'll come over more often," he said. She smiled at him and turned her attention to Fred, who was just looking in silence, a small smile on his face.
"So how's the family? Your grandma?" he asked softly. Ella rolled her eyes, annoyed. "That bad?"
"Let's not talk about that. I'm finally here and I don't want to think about them for a minute longer. Did enough of that while I drove here," she mumbled, her brow furrowed. "What are you making for dinner?"
And with that they walked to the living room. Gilbert went to prepare drinks for all, letting Fred catch up with Ella as they set up some game to play. He smiled, feeling comfortable and at home. He looked for his phone, seeing a text from Anne.
**Carrots (17:08): So Roy is finally here and I convinced him that keeping his LP collection stored was of no use when I'm almost never here. Look at all this! 😍 [Photo]
**Gilbert Blythe (17:35): That's huge. All his?
**Carrots (17:35): He inherited some from his grandpa. He doesn't allow anyone to touch those. Not even Cole. 😅
**Gilbert Blythe (17:36): He always looked very purposeful about things… So I take it the afternoon is going well?
**Carrots (17:37): Roy is having cognac and I'm sticking with tea. Cole went out to see something about… I don't know, he just went out. So It's quite the party, as you can see. How about there?
**Gilbert Blythe (17:37): Ella came back. She says hi, by the way.
**Carrots (17:37): So you get to be with both of them, like in the old times! 😊 Go for it, Gil! Enjoy your night! 😘
**Gilbert Blythe (17:37): Hahaha I plan to. We're playing something… I have no idea what they're setting up. I'm supposed to fetch drinks. Talk to you in a bit?
**Carrots (17:38): Sure thing!
He went back to the living room to find Ella and Fred finishing to set up a board game.
"I just got this and I know it's ironic but it has great reviews," Ella said. "And I wanted to play it. So both of you docs, shush."
"What is it?" Gilbert asked, sitting opposite to them, grabbing the instruction booklet and laughing. "Seriously, Ella? Because it's not enough to live while in a pandemic, you also want to play to defeat one?"
"Yes! It's us against the board! So It'll be fun!" she explained, grabbing the glass of infused water Gilbert had left next to her. Fred shrugged, smiling. Soon they were reading the instructions and trying to figure out the game… Which clearly wasn't as straightforward as they had initially thought. They were clearly losing, even when they had kept everything at the easiest level.
"So… is this still fun, love?" Fred asked as they tried to decide what the best course of action was, stressed as they saw outbreaks in every corner of the map and no clear plan on how to deal with them without losing.
"It really puts everything into perspective… Don't distract me," Ella replied, her brow furrowed.
"Guys, there's no use to this. We're going to lose anyway," Gilbert said. The other two looked at him. "Ella is supposed to draw two cards after doing her actions… And there's only one left. So we lose." Ella let out a frustrated groan and leaned back on the sofa.
"Shit. This is hard," Fred said, standing up. "Ok, since… we're terrible at this, I propose a break. I'll go prepare for dinner, Ella, you had said…?"
"Oh, that's right. Gilbert, I was thinking we could go for a walk… But Fred told me the furniture for the baby is here, and you know how useless he is putting things together unless they're minds," she said. "Can I entice you to build stuff?"
"Let's go build stuff," he agreed. "That way at least we know he wasn't there and the things will be solid and safe."
"Hey! I heard that!" Fred called from the kitchen. They chuckled as they went upstairs to the room where Gilbert was staying. Bear followed them closely and lay on the bed as they stood in front of the boxes.
"I'm sorry you had to stay in this mess… We're going to turn the office into a guest bedroom at some point, but somehow, even if I'm stuck here all the time I haven't had time for this," she explained, apologetic.
"I know I came unannounced, Ella. Don't worry about it. So, where do you want to start?" he asked, ready for whatever Ella needed. She shrugged. "Let's go with the crib? At least the kid will have a place to sleep?"
"You do know I still have half way to go and we're just doing this because I'm ridiculously controlling, right?" she replied.
"Of course, which is why I think you would feel better having the crib done," Gilbert said, gently. He knew her very well, probably topped only by Fred. Ella hugged him, her eyes glassy as she buried herself on his chest. "Whoah, Ella, you're ok?" he asked concerned, hugging her back.
"Yes, just… These shitty hormones from hell and my mother and…" Ella said, her voice breaking. Gilbert led her to the bed and they sat down. Bear moved so he could rest his head on her leg and she caressed him absentminded. They stayed in silence for a moment. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess. It just… I got into a huge fight with my mother, which is why I left, but I haven't told Fred about it yet, because he will go mental if he even knows the things she said… And for all I love him I can't have him hate my mother even more, not even if I can't stand her and when I'm about to become one."
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked gently. She shook her head slightly.
"Not today. I'm just glad you're here tonight. I still miss having you around, you know?"
"I do. I miss both of you… But you know I had to leave. It was time," he explained.
"It was very arbitrary. And if you'd lived here, then Anne wouldn't have been shut in that room of yours for weeks. We would have charmed her and she would have listened to you at some point sooner, and then everything would be right."
"You know it doesn't work that way."
"I know. I'm kidding. Partly," she said. "So, let's build this thing. I'm done with this meltdown. You should actually be happy about being away, you'd have had to deal with me like this on a daily basis."
Gilbert chuckled and got up. They worked mostly in silence, as they did often, and Fred arrived a while later with a homemade pizza. They all ate while building the furniture, Fred eventually helped them. It felt right, as it had felt when they had first moved in together, and once they had moved to Hamilton. Talking and making light jokes, talking about nonsense and feeling like family. Only Anne was missing, and he knew she would fit there as if she had always been, same as she had when she had first met the Wrights.
Thinking of her got Gilbert thinking about how it would be once Anne was pregnant. Would they build the furniture for the nursery like this? Would Cole maybe make a mural or something on the wall? How would Anne feel when pregnant? Fred caught his eyes from the other side of the room, where he was sorting the things they had already gotten as gifts and Ella had entrusted him with, and nodded gently, as if he knew what he was thinking. Yes, he would have all of this with Anne one day. And the Wrights would be right there like the family they were. He had been exchanging occasional texts with Anne through the evening, and sent her a photo of how everything was coming together.
By Wednesday neither wanted to go out for another walk. Having done several over the past few days, alone or with Cole, Roy or both, Anne really wanted to just stay in. Plus, she felt like this could be the final talk and she wanted to go back home, even if her friends had been hospitable as ever. Wanting to give them some privacy, they went out for dinner leaving Anne and Gilbert alone in the apartment with a couple of bags of take out Gilbert had picked up on his way there.
Talking about the future, after having gone through all the other talks over the previous days, was easier than either of them would have thought initially. Gilbert had met Anne upstairs, in the room where she had been sleeping. They had sat on the twin bed, resting against the wall in a way that was weirdly reminiscent of how they used to do it back at Green Gables when they were teens.
Back then, they had talked about a future that was all they dreamed of, all they wanted, but in words that were meant to disguise what they were really feeling for the other. They had danced around being together, using euphemisms of how they would still be the best of friends while secretly wishing the other shared their affections. Making abstract plans of Gilbert being a doctor and Anne a teacher or a writer (depending on the day).
That night in September, in Cole and Roy's Airbnb, they weren't abstract in their plans. Not shying away from what they wanted, not giving statements that could be misunderstood. Each knew, after many years, what they wanted for the future and told the other as much. They were clear about the family they wanted, about the home they wanted to build.
Having introduced the subject of finances at the beginning of the week, when Gilbert had mentioned the approach he would prefer they had, Anne felt more confident on Wednesday to talk about it. After giving thought for a couple of days to the new project Gilbert had inspired her, she knew eventually she would be able to bring in something to their household, even if her writing didn't come to anything. And with that security, and the understanding that she actually had the opportunity to reinvent herself as necessary, she was able to confirm to Gilbert that she agreed to what he had proposed the other day.
"So do you really feel ready for this? I understand it's not a light decision and I won't pressure you to make it, Anne. You can take as long as you want," Gilbert said after she explained that.
"No, I'm sure, Gil," she insisted. She had thought at length about this and had looked for different options of how that could work. "I understand what you mean, but… It's what makes more sense, and with everything we've talked about, I don't feel that this threatens the independence we still need. I think we could keep separate bank accounts, but treating the whole bulk as a common pool and not as yours and mine… does it make sense?"
"It does, it's what I had been thinking as well. We can make a budget and go from there," he said. "Probably not today, but maybe over something nice on the weekend? We could go out or something," he proposed, hopeful. Anne nodded, smiling, and he felt a weight off his shoulders. "We will still have to smooth things over, but I think it's a great start."
"Agreed," she said, resting her head on his shoulder. He kissed the top of her head.
"So… We were looking for houses before all this happened," he commented. Anne nodded, not looking at him. "Do you still think it's a good idea, after all this?"
"What do you mean, after all this? After the discussion of the past few weeks, or after the conversation we've been having since Saturday?" she asked.
"Everything. I just want to know how you feel about the subject."
"I'm in. If you still want it, of course."
"I am, Anne. I want all of this with you, the past few days… Have only confirmed everything I already knew," he replied gently. "I just wanted to confirm…"
"Of course. If we're doing this… better do it right and thorough, we're not about to leave this half-way," she agreed. She stopped for a second, considering. "In that spirit… Do you want to keep trying for a baby? I mean, there's the chance I'm… pregnant now. Still too soon to tell, I guess, but… Do you still want this?" she asked, hoping he said yes. Gilbert nudged her so she turned and looked at him and he looked into her eyes.
"I do want this. I want a child with you, Anne," he said, looking seriously at her. "I can't know either if you're pregnant or not, but if you're not… I'd like that we continue trying, see what happens," he said, his voice soft and loving. She nodded, feeling her eyes glassy, and he kissed her slowly as he realized she also wanted this. "Would you want this?"
"Of course I want this. As you said, this whole thing has only reaffirmed what I knew," she replied, smiling at him.
"Great," he replied, smiling at her. She cuddled again against him and they stayed in silence for a while. "Anne?"
"Yes, Gil?"
"Remember I told you I wanted to go back to your running away habit?"
"I...do, yes," she replied.
"It's related to what we were just discussing," he said. He sighed, trying to think how to phrase the worry he'd had on the back of his mind for days. She looked at him and he breathed deeply before speaking, feeling his voice tremble a bit. "When we have a child you can't keep running away Anne. You can't just storm off taking our child and leaving an empty space… I would...you just can't Anne. Please."
"Oh, Gilbert," she said, feeling anguished at his tone and turning to look at him again. His eyes were closed, his brow furrowed in concern. "We will work through this. We already have several things to prevent me from getting to that point. We're going to talk often about how we feel, we're going to talk about things that might become issues, we're much more clearer on how we're managing to be independent as well as partners and we even said that if I felt the urge to leave I could just tell you about it and go from there. I am already working on it with Patel as well."
"You're right. Maybe I'm paranoid for no reason," he mumbled, opening his eyes to find hers looking at him.
"No, you're worried for a reason, Gil. I meant what I said on Sunday, I need to earn your trust back and I know it will take time. But I'm going to work for it," she said. She hadn't forgotten that, and she knew she couldn't rush it, but she would work hard for it. "I just wish there was a way for me to help you hurt less."
"I want to trust you with this. I know I will."
"In due time, Gil," Anne replied. He nodded, sitting a little bit more straight.
"In due time, Anne-girl. So… What do you say? Anything else you want to talk about tonight?" Gilbert asked her, tenderly placing a lock of hair that had fallen off her braid behind her ear.
"How about going home? As good as it has been taking time and distance to think, I'm more than ready to be with you again at our place."
"Let's go home, then," he replied, smiling.
Driving from Toronto to Hamilton, her carry-on in the trunk of the car, was weirdly reminiscent of when he had picked her up more than six months before. It felt like a lifetime ago: the world was as different as it could be, her life had nothing to do, and her future seemed so much more clearer than it had when she had tried to hide under a scarf.
Gilbert had texted Fred before leaving Toronto, asking him if it was ok for them to stop by briefly to pick up his bag and things. When they arrived, Ella opened the door and Anne greeted her warmly, feeling more relaxed as she realized Ella didn't seem to have any hard feelings for her after what had happened over the past few days. Bear was next to her, waving his tail happily.
"Come on in!" Ella greeted them, smiling warmly. "Fred is upstairs but he'll be down shortly, I suppose."
"Thanks, Ella," Gilbert said as he followed Anne inside. He greeted his friend with a kiss on the cheek and ruffled the dog's hair. "I'm going to head upstairs to pack. It won't take long, I know it's late."
"As if we were going to bed anytime soon. Go upstairs. Anne, do you want something to drink?" Ella said to her. She accepted, smiling. "He can say he'll be quick as much as he wants, I know Fred will go there and they'll start talking and before we know it half an hour will have gone by."
"We really don't mean to intrude," Anne said.
"Don't be silly. This house is yours as well, and Gilbert knows we often don't go to bed until around midnight."
"Thank you… How are you feeling?"
"Much better being back here," Ella explained as she put water to boil."I feel some peace of mind knowing I went up North and did what I could to try to fix things with my mom's family before the baby arrives. Even if it didn't quite work out how I wanted… at least I tried, you know?" Anne nodded. "So, chamomile or ginger? I'm sorry I don't have many options handy."
"Chamomile is fine, thank you. How's your pregnancy going? Is everything better now?"
"Much better. I feel I have a ton of energy and I'm trying to take advantage of it, because I've read it's short lived. But I felt the baby kick earlier tonight and I was so confused and worried because I couldn't understand what was going on… until I did," she said, laughing. "Fred was shit scared for a moment until he realized what was going on. I wish I could show you… But not even Fred has been able to feel anything yet and he has been trying to coax this baby into moving the whole evening."
"I'm glad everything is coming through," Anne said, receiving the cup. They continued talking quietly and, as Ella had predicted, Fred and Gilbert went down the stairs about half an hour later. Fred went over to where Anne was sitting and greeted her warmly.
"Has Ella told you?" he asked.
"About the baby kicking?" Anne asked, making Gilbert open his eyes widely and Ella smiled. He walked over to where she was and sat next to her.
"Gilbert, you won't feel anything, too soon. And no, Fred, I haven't. I was waiting for you both to come down"
"I can't believe how fast this is all going," Gilbert said, hugging her. Anne looked at them, glad that Gilbert had found a new family. Seeing them interact filled her heart with joy. She turned to look at Fred as Ella told Gilbert what the little kicks felt like.
"So, we wanted to invite you guys for lunch on Saturday… There's a restaurant we could try, and we believe it would be nice for all of us to go out for once," Fred told Anne, as clearly Ella and Gilbert were ignoring them at the moment. "Do you want to go?"
"Yes, absolutely! It will be lovely," Anne replied. Ella stifled a yawn. "Gil? Maybe it would be good for us to go home as well, let Ella and Fred rest?"
"What? Sure," Gilbert said. He stood up and Anne did the same. Soon they said their goodbyes and were back in the car, Gilbert's bag next to hers. Finally going back home.
saraielianals: This was another huge chapter, with the continuation of the conversation! Probably you knew this was going to happen. About writing something about their teen years... it's possible, but we haven't gone there yet. We have plenty on our hands as it is! And your frog simile is perfect for what happened to them: so slow they didn't notice until it boiled. To forgive, it was important not only to say so, but also to understand where everything had come from... So taking it through was very important. We're glad their struggle with Winifred reminded you they're humans! We do our best to keep them... just like that. Humans. And about them staying away for a couple of days... Yes, Anne called soon, but their willingness to fix things also helps them understand jumping right in without solving things might not be the smartest thing to do. After all, they didn't speak for ten years and then suddenly were living together. A couple of days apart may help put things in perspective. We also understand why you're hesitant about the idea of the baby and we share what you say, but as we tell other readers, we don't base their decisions on what we would do, but on what we think goes more with their characters. And who knows? Maybe Anne isn't pregnant yet and they reevaluate and decide to postpone. But baby or no baby, they are working through things and facing them. No more elephants in the room for them, or at least not for now. They're building the good, solid foundations on their relationship they will need to make it healthy, long-lasting and prosperous :) We hope you liked this chapter as well, and can't wait to hear what you think of it!