Steve was sitting in a cozy office in a building a few miles from the tower. It was kind of weird to be waiting in the office for the therapist to show up, but nothing was really typical about this setup. Tony had leased this empty building just for them, completely gutting a floor and setting up separate rooms catered to what each of the team would find most comfortable. His room had soft furniture and minimal fuss, with light music playing from a record player in the background. And he had the ability to control the thermostat from his phone.
The therapist Steve had chosen was flown in from Colorado and being paid a handsome fee to remain on standby for the foreseeable future. All of the doctors chosen were staying in nearby hotels, ready to be called in and in a session within the hour, 24 hours a day. Tony didn't want them to be limited to a certain hour long block a few times a week, knowing that choosing when they were most open and comfortable would make the most difference.
Dr. Charles was a veteran herself, having served as a nurse in the Army during the tail end of the Vietnam War. The little bio in the folder Tony had provided said she steered away from nursing after coming back home and seeing how hard it was for some of her fellow soldiers to readjust to living outside of combat. She'd gone back to school to become a psychiatrist and had been doing it ever since, focusing on PTSD and other issues service members tended to struggle with. She came highly recommended, with glowing reviews from many former patients. Steve still wasn't sure just how much she would be able to relate to his situation, since he was pretty much one of a kind, but Dr. Charles was probably as good as it was going to get.
A light tapping on the door shook Steve from his thoughts and he stood to greet the doctor as she stepped into the room. She was an older woman with a friendly, round face and salt and pepper hair. She stepped forward, shaking his hand with a polite firmness. Dr. Charles only came up to about his chest, but Steve could tell she was not a person to be underestimated. She had that spark in her eyes that had always drawn him to Peggy.
"I'm Dr. Beverly Charles, but you may call me Beverly if you prefer. It's so nice to meet you, Captain Rogers," she said warmly, patting the back of his hand before she let go.
"It's my pleasure. And please, call me Steve," he requested, greatly preferring to hear his own name instead of his rank.
"Thank you for telling me your preference. Do things like that come easy to you?" Beverly asked, gesturing for him to take a seat wherever he'd like.
"Getting right into it I guess," Steve chuckled, going back to the oversized chair he was in before.
"Sorry, I don't want to seem too forward. I've just always been fond of letting the conversation flow naturally and asking certain questions as they come up," she explained, sitting down on the couch across from him. She pulled out a pen and notepad, setting them down on her lap. "If you ever feel I've overstepped or you just don't want to answer a question, let me know. You're in control here."
"Thank you," Steve said, glad the woman wasn't planning on being too aggressive. He didn't mind a challenge, but he didn't want to be pushed past his boundaries within the first minute of meeting her.
"Do you enjoy being in control?" Beverly asked, softening what was a pretty direct question with a gentle smile. Should he try to brush past this question like he had the last? She didn't call him on it before, but the session wouldn't really go anywhere if he refused to open up. That was the whole point of this, right? Working through things he couldn't on his own?
"Yeah, I guess," Steve admitted hesitantly, trying to keep his hands still in his lap. He wasn't naturally twitchy, but he had the urge to grab a nearby throw pillow and wring it between his fingers.
"In what ways?" Beverly asked.
"Well, I'm good at planning, so I like to use that skill to help others, like during missions," Steve said, flicking his eyes around the room. Should he be making constant eye contact with her? That felt too weird.
"And what about in your personal life?" she questioned. Steve knew this was going to be hard, but he didn't realize just how hard it would be until confronted with it. He should've known, because talking about personal things was still hard to do with the team, even after they'd gotten so close. There was still a part of him that was worried they would judge him or use the information against him.
"I've been trying not to be as much, but it's hard to find that balance."
"How so? Can you give me an example?"
"After a difficult mission, I kind of went overboard with strictly scheduling myself, I guess you could say. I had my days planned out to the second, not allowing any deviations, even in my meals."
"And what were you hoping to accomplish with that?" Beverly asked, scratching a few notes onto her paper. Could he ask to see her notes after the sessions? Would that be appropriate? Who else would be seeing them?
"Uh-"
"Let's come back to the why later," Beverly said, waiting until he stopped bouncing his leg erratically. He hadn't even realized he was doing it. "Has that gotten better?"
"Yes, it has. When I moved back into the tower, I started hanging around the others more. I didn't spend my entire day alone like I had been."
"But you said it was hard to find a balance? In what ways?"
"I didn't really know how to live before, so I kind of let the others decide for me. I had a little bit of a breakdown, a few actually, and I didn't really know what to do after that. Getting as far away as I could from how I was before seemed like the best bet at the time," Steve admitted. He hadn't meant to fall down that rabbit hole of acting so helpless, but there was an appeal there to not have to make all of his decisions for himself. Everyone else seemed to know how to live, so they might be able to teach him how to as well.
"And are you still doing that?" Beverly asked.
"No, not like I was. I've been making my own choices, while not isolating myself. And I try new things, instead of stopping myself," Steve answered, feeling a little proud. It would've been easy to keep going to Tony and the others and letting them decide his day, but choosing his own path felt nice.
"That's really great progress. It isn't easy going from one extreme to the other, so it's normal to feel like some days you fall short. It's okay if you occasionally follow what everyone else is doing, as long as you enjoy the activity, but spending time alone is healthy too. Do you let yourself have some solo time?" she questioned. That was a tricky one. He worked out alone sometimes and hung out in the hot tub by himself, but being on his floor felt different. Like it would be too easy for him to go back to how he was, and that kind of scared him.
After that last mission, they'd all slept in Tony's living room, the billionaire having produced an inordinate amount of cushions and pillows for them to nest on. They piled up, all of them touching at least one other person as they slept. Steve still hadn't slept in his own room since that last nightmare, but he had stopped sleeping in other people's beds every night. He usually just bunked on whoever's floor he found himself on, falling asleep on the couch watching television.
"I don't really like being alone, when I'm not doing something," Steve confessed quietly. "It reminds me too much of losing everything again."
"What about doing an activity while you're on your floor? Do you have any hobbies?"
"I guess my main hobbies would be cooking or exercising, but those would remind me too much of the time in my apartment," Steve said. He didn't want the things he'd really come to enjoy doing being tainted by those old memories.
"What about something you've never done before? It would be a good way to ease back into spending some time alone, but it wouldn't have the same negative associations," Beverly suggested, making another note on her paper.
"That doesn't sound too bad, I just don't know what I'd do," Steve replied. He'd kept himself from trying new things for so long, he didn't know where to start. Most of the things he did now were ideas presented to him by one of the team.
"It doesn't have to be some big event. There is nothing wrong with trying something and realizing you don't like it. The point is focusing on something, instead of letting your mind take you to an unhealthy place."
"But wouldn't that be avoiding the issue? Shouldn't I just sit down and deal with it?"
"Let's look at it this way, some people teach their kids to swim by throwing them in the deep end of a pool, while others take them to classes and let them learn gradually. Neither option is wrong per se, but different methods work for different people. I feel like your life has been filled with thrown into the deep end moments. Don't you think you deserve to dip your toe in sometimes?"
"I-" Steve started, before cutting himself off. He didn't know what to say to that. And he didn't know why those words were hitting him so hard. Steve had gone so long without letting himself have anything that it was still hard accepting everything the team gave him. That Tony gave him. He still felt the urge to go back to staring at bare walls alone, because a part of him told him that's what he deserved. And that it was safest. And that if there was something that needed to be done, he would just do it. There didn't need to be any pussyfooting around.
"Do you know it's okay to give yourself grace?" Steve could feel his lip starting to tremble and he hated feeling so vulnerable. He felt like he'd barely talked to this woman and she still knew the right words to fold him open and expose his inner demons. Maybe that was a good thing, but right now he just felt raw.
"I'm supposed to be perfect. I was the one shot they got with this serum and I need to live up to everything they expected of me," Steve mumbled, sniffling back tears. "Just being here feels like a failure."
"When will what you've done be enough?" the doctor asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Is death the only way this ends? Can you ever see yourself putting the shield down and willingly walking away?"
"I don't know."
"I've seen a lot of soldiers lose themselves leaving the service, after tying their whole identities to the military. Can there be a Steve Rogers without Captain America?" Steve's breath caught in his throat and he couldn't hold back the tears anymore.
"I owe everything I have to Captain America, but it's also the reason I've lost everything. I don't know whether to love him or hate him," Steve choked out, giving in to his urges and grabbing a pillow. He hugged it to his chest, resisting outright burying his face in the soft fabric and sobbing.
"And why is that so hard?"
"Because I am Captain America, so how am I supposed to accept that I might hate myself?" Steve cried, raking his hands defeatedly across his eyes.
"Why would you hate yourself?"
"I've made so many mistakes. I let so many people down."
"And what are you doing now to change that?"
"I don't know."
"What have you done to try to keep it from happening again?"
"I don't know."
"Why do you prefer to be in control?"
"So I don't lose it, okay!" Steve burst out, shaking his head in anger. "If I planned out every minute of my life, nothing could sneak up on me. Anything that looked like an issue I could spot from a mile away. There wasn't a chance for a mistake, because there was nothing to mess up anymore."
"But something bad still happened, didn't it?" Beverly asked calmly.
"Yes, and so I let everyone else take control, but it still didn't work. Things still went wrong."
"Giving other people control over your life is still a form of control. Not being willing to make your own choices forces them to take on that responsibility, and also to shoulder the repercussions. Why is it so hard to find that balance?"
"Because then, when things go wrong, I have no one to blame but myself. And then I'm right back where I started," Steve whispered, closing his eyes and dipping his head. His whole life since waking up had been an exercise in avoidance, but now he couldn't do it anymore. Not after it was laid out so clearly in front of him that that was what he was doing. Kicking the can down the road would only last for so long. He needed to stop and deal with things as they happened, instead of letting everything pile up and crush him.
"I think this would be a good place to stop for today," Beverly suggested, setting a box of tissues on the table in front of him. Steve grabbed one gratefully, dabbing at his eyes as he regained his composure. He was glad she recommended ending the session, because him doing it seemed too much like quitting,
"Okay," Steve agreed, running his hands along the edge of the pillow he was still holding. He really wished it was a person he was holding instead, having gotten used to the comforting hugs the team was always willing to give him.
"You did really well today," Beverly praised, nodding her head in approval. It sure didn't feel that way to Steve, but that was probably because crying always seemed like a failure. "I do have a homework assignment for you, if you're willing?"
"Yeah?" Steve asked hesitantly, hoping it would be something simple. He didn't want to leave this meeting with something to dread.
"Think of a hobby you'd like to try on your floor alone. You don't have to start it, but just think of something and maybe have any materials you'd need ready, in case the mood strikes. How does that sound?" she asked.
"I think I can do that," Steve agreed, standing up as she did. Beverly gave him another handshake before she left the office, letting him have the space and time to collect himself before having to go back out into the world. Just another thing he appreciated about this setup. Steve would've hated having to leave like this and be in front of people in this state. Now he could take all the time he needed until he felt ready to go back to the tower.
Steve sat back in his seat, resting the pillow back in his lap. Beverly had given him a lot to think about going forward. He knew not all of his decisions had been the best, but he hadn't realized how unhealthy some of them were. She hadn't shamed him for it or told him to immediately stop, but he found himself wanting to do better, to alleviate the pressure he was unknowingly putting on the others.
He couldn't tell if he felt better after this first session, but he didn't think he felt worse. Steve would have to see later, when it all wasn't so fresh. He'd kind of hoped he would make more progress in the first session, but now he knew it was unrealistic. There were no magic words that would turn him into a different person. Steve had to be patient and do the work.
After a few more minutes of sitting and absorbing everything they'd talked about today, he got up. Tony had drivers available at all times to pick him up to bring him back to the tower, but Steve decided to walk instead. The idea of fresh air was appealing, even with the chill of winter. Maybe he would pass by something that would inspire his new hobby. Steve wanted to make sure he chose something today, because he was planning on meeting with Dr. Charles again tomorrow.