Chapter Forty-Eight: Therapy

Emma was sat on the couch with her hands tucked between her thighs looking at Archie. She bit her lower lip and patiently waited for him to say something, anything. The waiting was torture, each second felt like hours, a lifetime. She had just told him everything. Or as much as she could in the limited amount of time they had in a session, but she told him about Lily and about Regina and about the letter. Not necessarily in that order.

"I'm glad you are finally opening up, Emma," Archie said and crossed his leg on the armchair "How do you feel about letting it all out?"

"I don't know," Emma sighed "I'm not the kind of person who likes talking about feelings…especially hurtful ones that belonged in the past"

"I can understand that," Archie said "But most of the time, Emma, if we don't properly deal with past feelings that hurt us, there is a good chance we might repeat them in the future"

"Yeah, I'm aware of that, Archie," Emma said and throw her head back closing her eyes "I had no idea I was still so attached to that story"

"How long were you and Lily together?"

"Oh, God," Emma let out a puff of air "We were close to celebrating our seventh anniversary"

"Have you ever spoke with her?" Archie asked, "After what happened?"

"Once or twice when she was trying to apologize," Emma said looking at him "I didn't really give her room for a conversation and when I left Boston I didn't tell anyone where I was going. I just packed up and left"

"And you never had any contact with anyone from Boston again?" Archie asked.

"Nope!" Emma said "I just walked away and never looked back"

"Okay," Archie smiled sympathetically at her "I believe the first thing we should approach here is your feelings towards Lily"

"I don't have feelings towards Lily," Emma said defensively.

"Well, you do, Emma," Archie said.

"No, I don't," Emma said "I don't give a fuck about her! Or Killian. They can burn in hell for all I care"

"Hate is also a feeling, Emma" Archie smiled softly at her.

"Right!" Emma cleared her throat "I don't hate her either. Not anymore! I mean I don't love her, but…"

"I understand"

"But what she did…what they did, I guess it stuck on me," Emma said "I have a hard time trusting"

"I can understand that," Archie said "But you also have to understand that not everybody is Lily and Killian, Emma"

"Yes, I know that," Emma said feeling annoyed "And I don't think everyone is like them, I just…"

"Thought Regina was," Archie finished for her.

"Yes and…no" Emma sighed and threw her hands in the air "It's complicated"

"I know it is, but that's what we are here for," Archie said "To uncomplicate"

"It's not that I don't…that I didn't trust Regina," Emma said and closed her eyes trying to choose her next words "But when I saw her and Robin getting closer together, I just…It was like that scene of Lily and Killian started to play in a loop inside my head, you know? Most days I felt like I was just waiting to catch them together"

"Is Regina bisexual?" Archie asked.

"No!" Emma said, "She told me she was gay thousands of times, but I couldn't quite believe her"

"Why not?"

"Well, I thought Lily was gay and I caught her in bed with my best male friend, so…"

"But Regina is not Lily, Emma"

"Yes, I know that" Emma raised her voice "We covered that already, Archie"

"Yes, we did," Archie said "But just because you say the words it doesn't mean you actually believe them, Emma"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You want everyone to believe your words. You want Regina to believe you are sorry…"

"I am sorry" Emma interrupted him.

"You want her to believe you have changed, you want her to believe everything you say is true, and yet, you didn't believe hers"

"I…" Emma looked down and let out a puff of air "I couldn't believe her because…because she was the one in the other end"

"What do you mean?"

"I couldn't believe her because she was the one acting like Lily. She was the one getting closer to Robin, making him her best friend or whatever"

"He was her employee, right?"

"Her right hand, as she called him once," Emma said sarcastically.

"You had a problem with her making friends with someone else?" Archie asked.

"Well, no…"

"And yet, you kept on being friends with Ruby, who was, in fact, your ex"

"Oh, God, Archie! Don't" Emma rose from the couch "Don't even say her fucking name!"

"At the end of the day, Emma," Archie said "You are the one who acted like Lily. Not Regina"

"Trust me, the irony in this is not lost on me," Emma said walking from one side to the other.

A soft knock came on the door and startle both Emma and Archie. He smiled apologetically at her and told the person to come in.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Hopper," His secretary said "Your next appointment is here"

"Right, of course," Archie said "I'll call him in a minute"

The secretary closed the door and Emma let out a breath of relief. She was relieved that the session had come to an end. It wasn't easy been there and been confronted with all the shit she did. Emma wanted to get better, she really, really did. She wanted to let go of the anger from the past, she wanted to be a better person to herself and others, but God! She hated talking about her feelings. She spent so much time and energy trying to forget everything from her past, rebuilding a new life for herself from scratch that digging that old grave now hurt more than burying it. All this time, she thought she was free of Lily. So many years had passed after that day without Emma realizing that instead of becoming free of her, she had become her hostage. Her prisoner. Emma had become trapped inside the wall she built for herself and the price for that had been Regina, the one person she never wanted to hurt.

"I'm so sorry, Emma," Archie said "I would like to schedule an appointment for tomorrow night. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah, I…I don't have night shifts this week," Emma said.

"Excellent. I really must see my next patient now, but please, schedule with my secretary your next appointment?" Archie said walking Emma to the door.

"Sure, Doc,"

Emma gave Archie a restrained smiled and left the office. She stopped by his secretary's desk and schedule an appointment for the next night at seven pm. She walked out of the building and stopped at the sidewalk to close her eyes and take a breath. The winter wind was cold and Emma welcomed the sharp feeling on her skin.

She opened her eyes and look out the half-empty street under the night lights. There was something beautiful about the dark that Emma quite liked. She crossed the street and started to walk back to the loft. She had decided not to take the bug to go to her appointment tonight, she knew it would be intense to tell Archie everything, or at least everything she could, and she knew she would need this little time for herself to walk and clear her thoughts. Emma shoved her hands inside the front pockets of her jeans and looked down. That had been hard, but she felt lighter. She felt lighter after she wrote everything down in the letter she gave Regina, and she felt lighter again when she told Archie. It felt good not to carry that pain all alone anymore. If she had done that sooner, maybe she wouldn't have made such a mess of everything. Emma turned into a corner and heavily collided with someone else. She had been so lost in thoughts, looking down the pavement that she didn't even bother to check for other pedestrians.

"I am so sorry," Emma said before looking up to the person she bumped into "Regina!"

"Emma!" Regina frowned.

"Sorry, I…I wasn't paying attention" Emma half laughed embarrassed.

"Yeah, me neither," Regina shook her head.

"Do you need help carrying that?" Emma asked pointing at the groceries in Regina's arms.

"No, I got it!" Regina said.

"Okay!" Emma nodded "I'm heading back home"

"Ah, yes, me too"

Regina bit her lower lips as if she wanted to say something, but then she shook her head as if thinking better of it. She smiled without showing her teeth at Emma before resuming her walk. Emma looked at Regina's back and thought about saying something, anything to make her turn to her again. This was the first time in months they had been cordial to each other and Emma wanted to hold on to that feeling a little while longer.

"I'm seen Archie," Emma shouted.

"What?" Regina asked and turned around.

Emma walked a little bit closer to her, so she didn't have to scream when she repeated herself.

"I took your advice," Emma said and then rolled her eyes "And Elsa's. I've been seeing Archie for a while now. You know, the therapist" Emma nervously laughed.

"That's really great, Emma" Regina smiled now, a smiled that reached her eyes "I'm happy for you. I really am"

"Thanks," Emma said feeling a little embarrassed "How are you?"

"Some days are better than others," Regina said sincerely.

"Yeah, I know the feeling"

"Yeah, I…I have to go," Regina said adjusting the groceries bags "This is getting a little heavier"

"Are you sure you don't want me to help you?" Emma asked "It's really no trouble at all"

"No, I…I got it" Regina nodded "But thank you, for offering"

"Sure!"

"Good night, Emma"

"Good night," Emma said as Regina turned around to leave again "Oh, and Regina?"

"Yes?" Regina asked turning around again.

"You look very beautiful tonight," Emma said.

"Thank you," Regina smiled "Go home, Emma"

"Yeah, you too" Emma laughed.

Emma watched Regina walk away for a while before turning around and resume her walk. She wasn't exactly sure why she said that, but she couldn't help herself. Regina did look beautiful. She always did look beautiful but the blue fur neck collar she was wearing combined with the crimson painted lips gave Regina a look of a Queen in a fantasy story and Emma and couldn't help the comment. She was without a doubt the most beautiful woman Emma ever had the pleasure to meet.

Emma arrived at her building feeling much better as she walked up the stairs to the loft. She talked to Regina. There was no shouting. No crying. No anger. They just talked! That was good, right? Emma let out a flame of hope burn inside her heart as she opened the door to the loft. Perhaps, it wasn't all lost.

"Hey, Ems," Elsa said from the kitchen "What is that smile?"

"Nothing," Emma said sheepishly "I ran into Regina"

"Oh?"

"It was good," Emma said and sat down by the counter "We were civil"

"That's good Ems,"

"Do you think it means anything?" Emma frowned.

"What do you mean?" Elsa asked stirring something in the pan.

"That we talk to each other?" Emma asked.

"I think it's too soon to tell," Elsa said "I mean, she is dating someone else right?"

"Don't remind me of that!" Emma said burring her head inside her arms on top of the counter.

"Sorry, but it's true" Elsa smiled sympathetically "Besides, you should focus more on yourself other than Regina right now"

"I know, I know," Emma said looking at Elsa "It just felt so good talking to her again, you know? She looked so ridiculously beautiful tonight, Elsa"

"Oh, honey," Elsa laughed "I'm positively sure you would say that even if she was dressed in a potato sack"

"I would" Emma smiled "She's beautiful either way"

Elsa turned off the flames on the stove and walked behind the counter, across from Emma. She took Emma's hands and smiled at her.

"I really hope you and Regina get to work things out, you know,"

"I know," Emma said "Thank you, Elsa. For everything"

"Don't mention," Elsa squeezed her hands "And you are not skipping dinner tonight"

"Wouldn't dream of it" Emma laughed "I'm starving! What smells so good?"

"Shrimp risotto" Elsa smiled.

"Oh, your famous!" Emma said "You have got to teach me how to do that"

"I'll think about it," Elsa said putting the risotto onto a plate.

"Think about it?" Emma arched an eyebrow.

"It's a family recipe," Elsa said "I'm not sure you deserve it yet"

"I'm your best friend!" Emma said outrageously.

"You let me in the dark o what was happening to you," Elsa said putting the plate in front of Emma "I haven't forgiven you for that yet"

"Sorry, Els," Emma said "I really am. I was in the dark myself"

"I know, honey," Elsa said "Now, let's go watch something terrible on tv"

"Do I get to pick?" Emma asked walking with her plate to the living room.

"Not a chance," Elsa laughed behind her.

Emma laughed too, and the genuine feeling of a free smile warmed her heart. They sat down in front of the couch as Elsa put on a movie that Emma didn't quite pay attention to. Her mind had drifted off to Regina and how pretty she looked tonight. Regina and the awkward but still easy conversation they had. She looked happy knowing that Emma was seeing Archie and even though talking about her feelings was still a pain in the ass, Emma was happy she was seeing him too. She knew she had hard work ahead of her, but for the first time in her life, she knew it would be worthy.