IMPORTANT A/N IF YOU'RE A READER BEFORE 3/29/2021

This was previously Ch. 46. As I stated before, I went back to both add and edit some past chapters. I'd encourage readers to go back to Ch. 41 as the new chapters are 42 and 43. Varying degrees of modification have been done to Ch. 44-49. Thank you so much for your time and understanding. I hope that made sense

Saph's PoV

Sitting at the table, I kept my gaze on my mug of water as I replayed the conversation Levi and I had in my mind. How could it not after the emotional ups and downs of last night? Now that the topic of sex had been brought up, I could hardly concentrate on anything else around me. A terrible notion to be distracted while the military hunted us. The last thing I needed was to put myself or Levi in danger because of last night conversations. I couldn't help but look at him differently though. Throughout all these years, I never believed Levi would find me tolerable, much less someone he wanted to spend time with. But now? Could I have hope that not only would he allow me to continue fighting by my side but he wishes for it as well? In not just a physical but intimate way.

"Hey! Saph!"

Jolted out of my longing, I turned around to find Eren, Mikasa, and the rest of their crew sitting at a table. Certain that Eren's voice was the one who pulled me out of my thoughts, I focused my attention on his eager face.

"Would you like to join us?"

I tried not to wrinkle my nose, but I didn't really want to. Fraternizing with comrades had never been a strong suit of mine. I did want to talk to Eren about his experiences as a Titan in order to compare, but I preferred that to be in private. I'd never confess my feelings about Levi to him; I would also have to convey enough of the truth to him to get answers. The more grisly details can be uncomfortable to communicate in front of others, as my own personal textures of transformation leaves me feeling exposed.

Maybe I could spend some time with the youngsters. Play nice and motivate them. I haven't given any energy towards being around them and showing my face. I stood on the sideline, and they almost never saw me not at Levi's side. I wouldn't be able to stand the noise and jostling for long, but that didn't mean I needed to turn the offer down. "Sure." Swinging my legs off of the bench, I groaned as I stood up with my dish. Walking over to their table, I plopped down right next to Eren.

"We were just talking about how everyone in town knows Levi's name, but some aren't even aware that Erwin is commander!"

"Well, he tends to steal the glory from everyone else," I chuckled. "Not that Erwin cares though. He's never been after status or prestige."

"You can't get that by joining the Survey Corps," a boy with a face that looks like a horse commented.

I pointed my finger at him. "Very true! Trying to be a hero here will only get you killed."

They all began to converse over their own reasons for joining the Survey Corps. I'd been informed by Eren previously that Titans had killed his mother, but I didn't know that she'd been Mikasa's adoptive mother too.

"Why did you join the Survey Corps?" a girl with her brown hair in a pony-tail asked, her mouth stuffed with bread.

I chuckled. It'd been awhile since anyone asked me about where I came from or why I joined. "It was either join the Survey Corps or live the rest of my miserable life in the Underground. Most likely wouldn't have lived this long."

"You're from the Underground?" almost all of them asked in unison.

Nodding my head, I found it hard not to grin at their astonishment. "Levi and I came to the surface at the same time to join the Survey Corps. Two more people entered the military with us. Isabel and Farlan." No more needed to be said. Their absence spoke for itself.

"You knew Levi when he lived there?" Eren asked, leaning in. "What's it like? What was he like?"

I looked away as memories of Farlan, Isabel, and Suzu trickled into my mind. Her energetic movements and his smooth voice imprisoned themselves onto my mind, and the first details I always remembered of the two. I knew Levi still thought about them a lot. While they existed on a long list of people he considers to be the ones to have failed, their names were on the top. Their names never slipped from his lips but during moments of silence, when he thought nobody could possibly be paying attention to him, I'd see a distant, mournful pain seep into his eyes as they stared into the distant past. It was a loss that had aged him.

Struggling, the lump in my throat didn't want to disappear. "I didn't know Levi for very long down there before we came up, but he's definitely less impulsive. Slightly better at not being moody and taking his anger out on others. Still and always will be a clean freak. The Underground isn't describable. There's suffering and criminality everywhere. If you don't steal, you starve. If you steal and get caught, killed. People looking to make money can sell anything down there for a profit, guns and even people. It's dirty and disgusting."

"How'd you end up down there?" one of the kids asked.

"My parents fought for the Survey Corps. They had us before the king ruled that members can't have kids. Because what happened to our parents, happened a lot. They got killed outside of the Walls on an expedition. A friend of our mothers watched Suzu and I when they left, but she died soon after because of a horrible disease that killed many people. They shuffled us into the Underground after that with every other orphaned child. Most of them didn't last long. Easy pickings."

"What happened to your brother?"

"He didn't die Underground," my tone became hushed. I saw Hanji leaving the dining area, and I took it as my chance to not have to answer any more questions. The topic left me queasy.

"Great chat, but I need to discuss some stuff with Hanji," I removed myself from the table and chased her outside.

Seeing her dimly lit figure heading towards her lab, I started to jog in order to catch up. "Saph!" Hanji said, turning at the sound of my footsteps. "Have you talked to Levi?"

I nodded while slowing down to a stop. "Some, but he won't really listen to me. I actually wanted to ask you-"

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!"

Our heads whipped around at the sound of a very pissed off Levi. Next to the dining room entrance, Levi's kept a soldier pinned to the wall. He slammed his fist against the wall, close to the man's head. While slightly taller than Levi, his feet still wrestled in the air as he dangled helplessly. With a fistful of his shirt in his hand, Levi casually held him up by the collar of it. His own shirt dripping with soup. The brown stain slowly spread across the white cotton into a distorted blob. His face twisted in such fierce anger that I could've sworn another short person happened to be threatening this soldier and sounding like Levi.

"I'll wash your shirt, Captain Levi," the man sputtered out, all the while trembling. Sharing a glance between us, Hanji and I hurried over to the scene. The fear inhabiting the man's voice made me believe he'd wet himself.

Eyes aflame, Levi opened his mouth, "I don't know if you have the competence for such a task, you piece of shit."

"Hey," I interjected, setting a hand on Levi's outstretched arm, "I don't think that's really necessary. If you don't want him to wash your shirt, I will. We both know I've had enough practice." Years of it. Over a hundred loads at least. Nobody could do laundry up to Levi's standards like me.

Refusing to budge, Levi glanced at me. "No. I'll do it," he muttered. "And you!" his fierceness returned as he brought his attention back to the sniveling man, the smell of piss becoming stronger, "watch where you are going." He let go and started to walk away without a word.

I met Hanji's gaze for a brief second before taking off after him.

"Levi, are you okay?" I tried to touch him again, but he yanked away from me. Sweat glistening on his skin, reflecting the light of the torches around us. He didn't look okay. He seemed to be sick.

"Leave me alone."

I let my hand drop to my side but I refused to move away. "Are you having an emotional breakdown?" I asked, seeing the mixture of signs I myself experienced when it felt as though everything's falling apart around me. The look of frenzied despair. How had he hidden this from me for so long? How could I have let him fall, so far, right in front of me?

"Fuck off."

Exhaustion lined his voice, making him sound too defeated to back up his threat. Not that he seemed to be in the mood for violence. Seeing him destroy objects or kill Titans would have been so much better than this emptiness. Keeping my distance, I trailed behind his deadened movements. It's been awhile since these short and violent outburst targeted soldiers and the people around us. I always tugged out those nastier truer emotions from him no matter if I bore the brunt of the burden. Others have been out of that range for years. An unraveling of anger that'd been pinned in for far too long now trickled into destructive outlets. Maybe he'd been falling this whole time. And now. Well, now he's just hit the ground. Some steam needed to be let loose. "You don't need to talk to me if you don't want to," I murmured. Well aware that even in this stage of disarray that he'd be paying attention.

He glared at me. Such a fierce snarl curving his lips reminding me of the snarl or restrained bite from an animal. Anyone else would be backing away, but I saw no conviction in his theatrical display. As someone who'd intended to kill me previously, nothing like that now remained. He held no real threat. It only created a deeper well of grief in my heart. Could I give him no comfort? Would leaving really be more helpful?

"I've relied on you during moments when my sadness seemed inescapable. I want to be here for you as well."

Levi tilted his head back slightly and for a moment I thought he'd laugh… he sighed instead. "Do you know what I heard today, Saph?"

I hesitated. Not sure if I really wanted to know the answer. "What'd that be?" I whispered.

"That you have killed almost 100 people in the Underground over the years. They're pretty sure there's more, but not all bodies could be found. They're calling you Saph the Slaughterer."

My eyebrows knitted together as I considered this news. "I don't understand what your point is?"

Levi huffed. "You have to stop. They're discussing a price for a bounty put on your head, which is the last thing we need." He sounded pained but that could also be from the previous emotional turmoil..

"I could just kill the people who'd be paying for the bounty to be put up. Besides, I'll leave it alone until…" I didn't know when the Survey Corps would be 'normal' again. Going on expeditions. Worrying about dying outside the walls instead of everywhere. Could I avenge Suzu now that I'd become a Titan? It'd give me a leg up when it came to killing Kenny, but now the Survey Corps wouldn't just let me roam the Underground anymore. "Until there's an opportunity right in front of me. I'm sure Kenny will pop up sooner or later." I stepped forward, considering his wary facial expression. "You haven't been in the Underground in a long time so I think you've forgotten how some of those 'people' are worse than Titans." I paused, sensing the frustration within him building. "Is that why you're in such a foul mood tonight?"

"I have other things on my mind than just you," he growled out, but I remained unconvinced. I knew a lot rested on his mind at the moment. Petra's death. The kidnapping of Eren. Erwin losing his arm. All things he blamed himself for. I didn't think there'd be any room for me. However, he didn't seem to entirely dismiss the notion either.

"But you're saying that I'm on your mind?" And not only that, but worried about me. An unfamiliar flutter beat inside my chest. Enthralled with the lightning coursing through my veins, I boldly stepped forward. I wanted to share the fluttering happening throughout with him.

Levi frowned, torn between pushing me away, and something else entirely. "Do you still have to kill everyone connected to Suzu? Even with you being a Titan shifter, it doesn't mean Kenny wouldn't be able to kill you. "

Licking my lips, I avoided his eyes as I stared off into the darkness. No hint of light within the blanket of black. A deep pit that could devour all who fell within. "I murdered Suzu, Levi. I couldn't save him so I have to give him justice. It's either I kill Kenny or myself."

"Or me."

I immediately stared him down, daring him to repeat his suggestion. My eyes unflinching even though his words made my heart tremble in fear. "No. Then it'd be for nothing. It can't have all been for nothing."

"Sometimes suffering isn't for anything."

I gently grasped his elbow. He let me. "Maybe, but that's not why you're hurting. You're taking all of this on because you're supposed to be Humanity's Strongest Soldier, so you can't lean on any other person because they'll break." My words seemed to soothe him. He began to walk towards the cabin, his posturing indicating for me to follow.

"What about you then?"

"I'm not human."

Levi chuckled and the hollow sound grated on my nerves. The low thrum of an empty, deep melancholy. The sound of an isolated soul making their own music. A ring that echoes from years of little more than loneliness. "I suppose you're not."

"I'm here though." I said, pausing in our movements to look at him, grabbing his wrist to turn him towards me. "And I'm not going anywhere."

His pulse throbbed against my thumb and I restrained myself from letting a shiver ripple through me. The jolt of movement could only jeopardize this moment. His eyes swallowed me whole, and I became absorbed in their gray depths. Our breath mixed in the cold air and I felt his warmth wafting against my cheek with every exhale. Tentatively, I lowered my head until my lips could graze the tip of his nose.

Leaning back away from me, Levi gave me an odd look.

"Oh… I thought you were going to take me up on my offer," I teased, struggling to maintain any sense of composure. "Get rid of some energy with sex."

I expected a witty comeback or a gross insult, but Levi didn't make a move like he'd heard me. An unfocused expression took a hold of his face and I struggled to understand what his thoughts or feelings contained. He seemed to be almost considering my offer. I didn't believe what could potentially be happening in front of me.

"Okay," he stated. Levi began to once again walk towards the house, his pace with a bit more rush in the step. There were no other indicators that Levi had said anything off. Anything life-altering.

"Okay?" I questioned, my mind racing as I tripped over my own feet to catch up with him. Had I heard him correctly?

Levi opened the door before turning back to me, "You backing out now? All that talk but no action?"

Smirking, I considered my options. I didn't know where this could be coming from, but I didn't know if I'd ever have another chance to be intimate with him. Hooking my finger into his waistband, I pulled him close. "Don't think I'm letting you take the lead." I swooped down to steal a kiss but Levi pushed me off of him.

"No kissing."

I bit my bottom lip at the rule. No affection is what he meant. A strong boundary that meant distance even as I untucked his shirt and marvelled at the skin and hair underneath. The scars I witnessed in the making and the ones that happened before we'd met. Even as I enjoyed the sight in front of me, I knew that lingering would only reveal my deeper, hidden, feelings. The actual depths of my emotions for him, and I knew he'd stop everything if got uncovered. Him knowing how much he mattered to me would only cause Levi to pull away. But if this is all I could have, I would take it because it's more than I ever expected.

Ripping my own shirt off, I grinned at him. "So you just want to use me for my body, huh?" I teased, trying to keep a blush from escaping me. I'd never bared myself to anyone I actually cared about before. Nobody whose opinion I cared for or approval I needed. The nerves and tingles rippling through my body were unfamiliar and unwanted. "I've never actually slept with another Survey Corps member," I commented as I unbuckled my pants. Trying to use words and snatches of sentences to focus my mind outside of the sight in front of me. Which was an increasingly nakeder Levi. Could this be a dream? A hallucination?

"What? You want to use the gear? Fuck in the sky?"

"Now that would be quite the workout. Might even test your skills," I snarked. I wanted to keep joking, only to control my cocktail of emotions. Leaning into humor meant I didn't have to face the surrealness of the situation, but I didn't have time to confront my own reality as I found myself being pushed onto the covers of his bed.

The soft blanket tickled my bare skin. Staring up at his sharp grey eyes, I saw no passion, no fire. None of the desire one would expect when in an embrace. Only sadness reflected back at me, a distant sort of grief that seemed to surround both the past and the present. Gently, slowly, I reached up and cradled his cheek in the palm of my hand. "Be here with me. Forget about everything else." Don't think about Petra.

My back arched involuntarily as he elicited a moan out of me with his teasing fingers. They were both unsure and confident. As if he didn't know if he wanted to be doing this but he knew how to make me want him. Swinging an arm around his back, I dug my nails into his shoulder blade. Using that as leverage, I raised my hips to grind into his still covered ones. "It's not fair that you still have your underwear on while I have nothing."

"You talk too much," Levi said right before he ripped his under things off so fast all I could perceive happening in front of me was a flurry of movement. Glancing down, I took in the sight of his hard member. Something I'd never seen even in all the years of living together. For his short stature, Levi sure did have more length and girth than I originally expected. Gripping him, I eagerly guided him to where I wanted him most. Feeling him pressed against my core, I pushed my body against his, feeling myself stretch open.

"Are you sure you're ready?"

"Foreplay is fun but I just want you to fuck me already." And with a slow thrust, he did just that. Tilting my head back, I swallowed a heavy sigh of pleasure. Levi stilled as I adjusted myself, shifting to make myself more comfortable underneath his weight. He didn't continue his momentum until I'd wrapped my legs around his waist, the bone digging deep into my inner thigh.

With my eyes shut I could hear his soft panting. Delicate little bursts of air as he moved back and forth, his measured and controlled thrusting leaving no room for me to interpret whether he's enjoying himself or not. While no words were said, sighs of gratification were exchanged as we hit each other's sweet spots. A salty smell of sweat began to blossom throughout the room and I could feel the tips of my fingers begin to find moisture in the curves of his skin. Tracing the patterns and marks of old wounds, I trailed my fingers down to his lower back.

Lost in the warmth and friction of skin, I suddenly felt consumed by a fervent fire that consumed my senses. A heavy weight sapped the strength out of my limbs, and I collapsed in a mass of delirium and post-coital satisfaction. And just like that, it was over.