A/N - It's been awhile. I have been called back FF to finish something I started so long ago. This story is, once again, set in motion.
Trigger Warning: Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Time Jump - Two Years Later
Things had changed. On the surface, some things looked the same. Siranon and Shanna were still serving on the Mashtiq world. And there still, serving alongside them, were Pirrec, Chol'chyr and Ta'Ole. The Klingon couple still got into intense rows with one another.
As for the changes:
Pirrec's son, Tsulen, had begun to grow into quite the young man, height increasing, the beginnings of his voice starting to crack. He would go to the Vulcan section of the embassy twice a week for language lessons from Shanna. His Federation Standard English had gone beyond the basics in those two years.
Reianna had left at the appointed time, off to meet up with her arranged marriage on Betazed. The match had, unexpectedly, been a good one for them both. She still called Shanna via subspace every few months.
Ananda was newly 5 and becoming more independent. Very capable of maintaining decorum in public, she still had a tendency to fierceness if provoked. Siranon was actively attempting to sow patience into her, but he knew it was going to take a lot of work.
Henry was four and still very shy. He was a quiet, introspective boy that clung to Shanna, still. She did not mind since she had been through so much in the two years that had passed.
Almost back to back, Shanna had had two pregnancies. Neither had come to term. She had found herself, almost a year before, broken into pieces. The first loss had been late in the first trimester. But the second baby had been a very pre-term birth almost on the cusp of the third trimester. They had been on Earth when it occurred. No amount of medical technology had been able to save the tiny child, because prematurity had not been the sole issue. Upon closer examination, both children she had lost had the same issue. There seemed to be a mysterious genetic problem that had occurred once sperm met egg. The first time it happened, the physicians assumed it was just a statistical anomaly. But for it to happen a second time, Sirranon and Shanna were told they were going to need very aggressive interventions, in addition to the vitamins and supplements, in order to produce a child together.
The losses, and the reason behind them, had been a significant blow to them both. Neither handled it well.
Siranon buried himself into work as Shanna drifted into a deep, unyielding depression. Since Henry and Ananda were having visitation with their grandparents, this enabled them both to live side by side in almost different lives.
Shanna slept all day and stayed up much too late at night, watching obscure playbacks on the 'net. She no longer watched her diet or cared about her appearance, and she refused to attend any diplomatic functions at the embassy. Even her mother had been unable to convince her to come out of her bed for longer than half a day.
Siranon worked continually, from sunup to well past sundown. He would leave their home at the break of dawn and sometimes only return just before midnight.
Finally, the day came that Siranon felt recalled to his senses.
It was 2:00 in the afternoon at their home on Earth, the old one on Ambassador's Row. The children were due home in less than 3 weeks, and they would be on their way back to Vulcan before returning to the Mashtiq for the rest of the year. He went to the bedroom, saw his wife still sleeping. Even in sleep, she did not at all look rested or trouble-free.
"My wife," he said as he carefully sat in bed with Shanna.
She stirred sleepily. "Mmm," was all she could get out at first. "Siranon… what time is it?" she asked, as she sat up slowly, a headache ready and waiting to pounce on her as soon as consciousness resumed.
"It is well past noon," he said. He only watched his wife, deep in the throes of grief. And he admitted to himself, he was still there, too. It had been less than 12 weeks since the devastating loss of Malvan. For reasons he did not understand, his wife had taken to calling him 'Mallie' many weeks ago, before his loss. And that nickname had stuck, even into death.
She sat up quickly, panicked. "Was I supposed to-"
"No, no my wife," he reassured her. "There was nothing for you to attend." He saw she had forgotten that he had made it official that she should not have to do anything for six months after Malvan's loss. Here it was, only halfway through that time. "My wife I… I find it necessary that we go together and see Sokam."
Shanna looked up at him, tears sparkling in her silver eyes. "Can I just- can I hold my grief a little longer?" her eyes almost pleading.
"He will not take your grief away, my wife," he assured her as he took her hands into his own. "He will merely help you to process it. We will be on Earth only a few weeks more. It is enough time for you to get in a few sessions with him. Please. It will help you."
"Has it helped you?" she asked angrily, eyes full of accusation. "Have you been able to move on?" she asked rather sharply.
He could not answer. No words came to his lips.
She mistook his silence. "Then why should I go?" she asked on an almost wail. "If it hasn't helped you, why would it help me?" she sobbed.
"My wife," he said as his hand lifted her chin to look into his eyes. "I have not yet attended this necessity."
Her eyes widened. "You didn't go?" she asked, eyes wide and horrified. "Have you been in public this way these last few weeks?"
He sighed deeply. "I have."
"How?" she asked, genuinely concerned.
"If there is one thing a Vulcan learns before they are eight years of age, it is how to wear a blank expression. And I have had no urge to feel- anything, since his- no, their losses. It has not been difficult," he shook his head. "I thought at first I was secure in the oblivion of non-emotion. But I find it difficult not to speak words of anger to others. I sometimes even wish to inflict physical harm upon others for the most random of things."
She took a deep breath in and out. "Have you been waiting until I would come with you?"
"I did not wish to do it without you," he admitted. He had been feeling his wife slip into the darkest place of blackness, and he had been unable to help her because he realized he could not truly help himself. "We need help to manage this-" he seemed to have to choke out those words.
She knew how proud Siranon was, even though he would never admit to such a ridiculous fault. That he could admit that they needed help and he did not know how to find a way out for either of them on his own- She didn't want to, but she found it terrible that he had been in public this way and that would not do. "Then we'll go. Make the appointment. Let's go as soon as possible."
For the first time in weeks, a smirk found his face. "He is ready for us in two hours."
She actually laughed. It was the first time she had laughed in so long. But her laughter turned to tears in less than ten seconds. "Okay," she nodded rapidly. "Okay. I'll get a shower and get dressed. Let's go."
They received a great deal of help from the joint healing sessions with Sokam in those few weeks. It had not made everything 'all better' but they both felt more equipped to parent Henry and Ananda when they returned home.
Time moved forward, and they returned to their embassy post after a brief visit to Vulcan. And then a new thing came along to knock the wind out of Shanna's sails. Less than two months before, she had gotten a message from her mother. It had not been live. She knew her mother had probably sent it days before and it had been carried via the embassy's internal private communications.
And the blow that came through from her mother's words… Lewis had had an accident and was in a deep coma. They did not know if he was going to make it. But they knew if he did, he would most likely have a serious brain injury and lifelong complications.
And all she knew was that she had had to keep her distance from him all of this time because his father had gotten re-married and no one wanted him to be confused. "All of that time I could have spent with him… and I'm all the way out here, so far away, and I can't be there." All she felt for a time was anger at how often her attempts to do anything or spend any time with Lewis had been pushed away or rebuffed. She always assumed she had time. There was time to wait until he grew up and then he could contact her himself if he wanted. Would that be possible now?
Even calling back to Earth on a priority channel had yielded less than any results. She could not find out the circumstances of his accident, what hospital he was in, or even if he had made any progress since that last thing her mother had sent. And his father had not returned her call to inquire after the boy.
A new depression began to grow within Shanna, but this one was different from the loss of her babies. This one was rooted in a feeling of hopelessness.
Ta'ole would not let it persist.
Out for a walk on the beach that day, it was one of the only things that being here had been good for her, hearing the waves lap at the shore. "Human," said Ta'ole as she approached.
Shanna knew what that meant. She was not pleased with her for some reason. No only was Ta'ole a force to be reckoned with, she was also old enough to be her mother. "Yes, my Lady?" she sighed, waiting for whatever censure was coming her way.
"Something is amiss, I can tell," she said. "But I have a solution to your doldrums."
"And what is that?"
She pulled out a knife. "Are you armed? At all times?"
Shanna partway pulled the knife from inside her waistband so that only the hilt could be seen. It had been a gift from Shuulin. When Siranon had been taken aback by the gift, Ta'ole had been the one to remind him, "Your wife should be armed at all times and they should know it. Remember, these people respect strength. To go about unarmed with them is an invitation to violate set barriers."
He could not argue with her logic.
So when Shanna produced that knife from her person, there was a twinkle of approval in Ta'ole's eyes. "Yeeees! That is the way. Come. We must go and meet some of the warriors on the Osten Sea Grid. I think it would do you good!"
Shanna stood there and thought about it for a while. The children were in school and there was no reason she couldn't go. She had finished her latest leg of schooling not too long before and literally had nothing else to do with her time. And it had been awhile since she had seen any of the warriors at practice. "All right. Let's go."
"Today is the day you begin your journey!" Ta'ole decreed.
"Journey?"
"I see it in your spirit. It is necessary. It is time for you to become a warrior!"
Shanna was not amused. "We cannot all be Klingons, my lady."
"No, no," Ta'ole said very reasonably with a curt nod. "That is true. Perfection is beyond your human reach. But a warrior you can still become." And finally, the sound Ta'ole had been waiting for happened. The beautiful hilarity of Shanna's involuntary laughter. Deep inside, the Klingon exhaled in relief. Perhaps she will be okay, after all… she is stronger than she knows. Her mother cannot be here, so I must help her. And I will.
A/N - I began this tale many years ago as a form of therapy. I was away for so long because of my own tragic losses. I am now healing. And Shanna will heal with me. The next chapter has already been written. It's just being edited ad nauseum.