Big, terrifying chapter, this one. I'm anxious to see what you think! Thank you for all the reviews, and welcome to every new reader!
Disclaimer: I don't own The Vampire Diaries
I spent a lot of time alone. It began with me purposely cutting myself off, but I soon realised that whatever was going on in Mystic Falls was big enough to take up most all of everyone's time. I hadn't seen anyone during my shifts at The Grill or around town for days. Klaus kept his distance. Rebekah too, surprisingly. I thought that maybe I'd woken an urge for vendetta in her. I hadn't seen Elijah, nor had I made an effort to. There was too much going on in my head. The urge to run far away from Mystic Falls and never look back was growing stronger every day. And, being away from him, the pain lessened. I knew that as soon as I saw him it would feel like nothing mattered; the constant feud between his family and my friends, the fear of feeling this way – none of it would matter.
The more time that passed, the more I realised that the reason that had brought me back to Mystic Falls wasn't the reason keeping me there. Fear, doubt, uncertainty. Those things had me stuck again. Living was getting easier, sure. But I wasn't sure that this place would ever feel like home again. It was familiar, but it had been a long time since it felt safe. Ever since before... well, before.
I kept wondering where she had gone. There was a place people went. But she wasn't supernatural, and that side was the only one I knew of. There had to be a place for her, somewhere. I hated the thought of her just... ceasing. Lately, I often found myself mumbling things to her out loud. Wanting her advice; hoping that she was somewhere listening and answering, even if I couldn't hear her.
One day Elena sat down at one of my tables at The Grill.
She looked like herself, but as soon as I came closer I would've drowned in her distress if I let myself. Her hesitant greeting only fuelled my suspicion that something was very, very wrong.
''I know you've been...'' she began, but stopped herself for a second. ''I know you didn't want to get involved, but...'' Her eyes were tearing up, and I immediately sat down. ''I have to tell you,'' she continued, taking a deep breath. ''Ric is dead.''
I fought to keep my guard up and not let her sadness flood me. What I felt was enough to halt my breathing, the shock freezing my entire body. I couldn't get a word out, but she continued, telling me about things I hated myself for not knowing because if I had, maybe I could have helped. Maybe I could have done something.
''His ring – the Gilbert ring, it seems like... like if you die with it too many times it changes you. Causes blackouts, that kind of thing. And Ric... he- Esther used him to make another Original vampire. So that he could kill all of them. But he didn't want to complete the transition.''
Her words registered in my mind in snippets. By now I was crying quietly, beating myself up in my mind. I never knew him like she did, but I knew him. ''I'm sorry,'' I said, my voice breaking, but the words felt empty and without any worth.
''We killed Finn,'' Elena said. ''Their brother.''
My first reaction was that I just wanted to leave. I wanted to get out of this town, this place somehow always shrouded in death, but I forced myself to think.
I didn't know what to say. I wanted her to know that I was on her side. That I didn't approve of everything that had happened, just because of the feelings I had no say in. But I couldn't help but think of Elijah; who had just lost a brother and I had no idea it had happened. ''I hate how Klaus treating you,'' I said, trying my best, ''and how he's always... I don't know, scheming, but-''
''I can't be his walking blood bag, Ev,'' she said.
''I know, it's just...''
She smiled sadly and leaned back. ''Elijah.''
Sighing, I felt a sting in my chest when I thought of him, and her, and everyone in this messed up town. ''Yeah.''
She looked like she was on the verge of saying something else, but she never did.
Did I have the heart to leave her? And the others? Would things ever settle down? If they did, I had to seriously consider going. I had no idea where. Somewhere with a good college. Work opportunities. I tried to think of the administrative aspects of it all, avoiding best I could every thought of heartbreak.
I hardly had it in me to put myself first. Every step down that road was heavy, feeling almost impossible. But I think, maybe I had to do it.
''So,'' Elena said, and for a second it felt like we were two friends having a normal conversation about guys in their lives. ''You and Elijah?''
''I don't know. Maybe.''
Elena smiled, and she tried to hard to be genuine that I almost believed her. I don't know what had changed. She had been on good enough terms with Elijah before. She even forgave him for holding her hostage before I did. Yet, right now, I got the distinct feeling that she was uninvolved.
''I hate that Klaus is using you,'' I said. ''But I'm... there's Elijah, and he loves his brother – in some twisted, unconventional way I won't ever understand. I don't know what to do. I can't be on two sides at once.''
It felt good to admit it to her. I didn't know if she was mad at me for it, or just sad. I knew she had been part of everything that went down when they broke the linking spell. They all had been. But she couldn't have been happy about it – it couldn't have been easy for her. Maybe she was just bent and broken under all the pressure that had been put on her and everybody.
''You deserve to be happy,'' she said after a moment's thought, and once again I suspected that she had something she wasn't sharing with me.
Something was up, I was sure of it. But pushing for what it was wouldn't get me anywhere, I was sure of that too. So I resorted to politeness.
''Can I get you anything?''
''No,'' she shook her head. ''I just had to tell to you.''
''Okay,'' I said. ''You're sure?''
She smiled and shook her head, and when she was out the door she left me with a heavy and concerned feeling I couldn't shake for the rest of the day.
The thought about leaving crossed my mind several times the following days. But where would I go? How could I go? Even if I had kept my distance, I still worried about them. If I left and there was something I could have prevented from happening by staying, then... I had to push the thought of Alaric's death out of my head often. Too often.
Once I had mustered up the energy to go through the paperwork I had realised that my financial future didn't need to be what I made it up to be. As long as I kept on working, I could start college. I wasn't sure how long I could make it last – if there were scholarships to apply for then for sure I could maybe manage a bachelors. Maybe. That was what I had worked for – helping my mother out and saving up for college. And it was something I still wanted... something I had to do. Maybe.
The first time I dared visit my mother's grave the sky was covered in grey clouds. In a sense, the lack of sunshine helped. There was no soft warmth from the fall sun, no sense of warmth or safety. The weather was as unruly as my emotions.
Her stone was framed with flowers, so many flowers. Someone had placed a little heart of stone in front of it, and I held back tears when I saw how many people had taken time to do this. How loved she was.
As if it wanted me to let go, the sky opened up and drizzled. I might as well have been crying; fine drops rolling down my face, but I never did.
I knew that all she would want was for me to be happy. She encouraged me to go to Lafayette, and she had always pushed me to work for college. She loved it in Mystic Falls, but she wouldn't want me to stay only for that.
I never would have thought it, but a strange peace settled over me. Everything was dark, and cold, and wet – but I was calm. Heartbroken, but calm. Sitting down carefully, I closed my eyes and for the first time let memories wash over me.
I stayed like that until a chirp nearby brought me back.
Blinking the world into focus; I found myself staring right at a bird perched on the stone in front of me, eyeing me intently. It was a blackbird. My mother had always liked blackbirds, was my first thought.
It flew down onto the ground and scuttled across the grass, towards the tree line. Every now and then, it stopped and looked at me, almost expectantly. With everything I knew and had seen, who was I to say that it was just a bird?
So I followed it.
It jumped over the grass, bit by bit, until we were in the forest. There, I lost it when it spread its wings and made its way up in the canopy.
I had been so focused on the bird that I hadn't paid any attention to where I was going. Turning around, I could make out the open field of the cemetery through the trees, so I wasn't that far in. Good. I had zero sense of direction in the woods.
I threw one last glance up towards the treetops, hoping to catch a glimpse of the bird again. I didn't, but in the corner of my eye I could make out something dark speaking my name.
''Jesus,'' I gasped and put my hand over my chest. ''You can't do that.''
Elijah smiled a little. ''I'm sorry.''
His smiles were so rare that every time I saw them they would linger in my memory when he wasn't smiling anymore. He was standing several feet away but it felt as though he was right next to me.
Was it going to be like this every time I saw him from now on? A struggle between wanting to give in and not care about any consequences, and keeping distance?
''So,'' I began, and took a guess as to why he would show up here. ''You want to talk to me about something?''
Elijah was quiet for a moment. ''You were right about my brother,'' he then said. ''Niklaus may be many things, but tactful isn't one of them.''
''It's sad,'' I said. ''That he makes himself an enemy.''
There was surprise in Elijah's eyes, and I could tell he wondered why I showed that kind of compassion towards his brother. ''I don't particularly like him,'' I continued. ''But I can still feel for him.''
Elijah pressed his lips together, frowning slightly. ''My sentiments exactly.''
I was shaking my head without realising it. ''You love him,'' I said. ''Maybe we don't have the same definition of love, but on some level that's what it boils down to. And you can keep apologising, but in the end it's your family that matters.''
The look on his face had me immediately regretting what I had said.
''I didn't mean to-''
''No,'' he said. ''I think you did. It's alright. It's true.''
It was, I supposed. But I wished I hadn't thrown it out there that harshly. And then I reprimanded myself for not standing up for my thoughts. It bugged me, it did. But on the other hand I didn't want to hurt him. This was insane – going back and forth like this. I wanted to pull at my hair like cartoon characters would in frustration.
''I wish I could-'' I tried. ''I wish I had an answer to give you.''
''To what?''
I crossed my arms, hugging myself, and said in a quiet voice:
''You know what.''
The rain had stopped, and I was beginning to feel the cold. Or maybe it was just because of everything going on in my head. Everything I wish I knew was going on in his.
''How is Klaus?'' I asked, pulling the collar up on my jacket for warmth. Changing the subject seemed like the safest thing to do.
''As per usual,'' Elijah said. ''He has always been more or less predictable.''
''What you see isn't always what you get, though,'' I said, and thought about his ever constant secrecy with me. He never once said what it was he expected would happen. What he wanted me for.
''Don't you see?'' Elijah asked. ''He never planned for any debt to be involved. He wants you by your own free will.''
I frowned. ''For what?''
''If you were to be turned,'' Elijah said, ''and were in control, you would be a powerful ally.''
''So that's all he wants?''
''I believe so.''
He knew his brother better than I did. Maybe he had even overheard something at the house. I just had trouble wrapping my mind around it, that Klaus would go so far just to be in my good graces sometime in the future. Maybe he knew exactly why he needed me on his side, maybe he didn't.
What made me feel a little sick was the part about turning. How far would he go? Was he counting on it happening without him, or...
''They don't scare me anymore,'' I said quietly. ''Vampires. People like you. But becoming one...''
The words stung when I said them, because I knew what humanity meant with Elijah. That was a whole other factor to play into... into this strange situation I found myself in. I never thought I would be feeling something like this. At least not for someone like him. Nothing would ever be easy. But, then again – what normal relationship would be easy for me? Relationships usually included intimacy, and I had no clue as to if I could ever achieve the kind of control that needed.
Suddenly I wasn't as cold anymore, and hoped the probable blush on my cheeks could pass for a result of the chilly weather.
''I am leaving town,'' Elijah said then. ''My brothers and sister will go far from here, we will scatter and we will disappear. This town deserves some quiet.''
And just like that my heart yearned for him so strongly that it almost knocked the breath out of me. If I had to choose between him dying or just never seeing him again, of course I would choose the latter. But I wasn't sure if it hurt that much less.
''Disappear?'' I asked, the word bitter on my tongue. I was thinking of leaving, too. But the way he said it, it sounded like this might be the last time we ever saw each other. I looked down at my feet in a desperate attempt to space myself from everything. ''Why are you telling me this?''
''Because you deserve to know.''
If I closed my eyes I was sure I would be able to tell if he left. There was something between us, and I knew there was something, somehow, in him that felt for me. Maybe we were both scared. We will scatter and we will disappear. The sentence replayed itself over and over in my head, and every time it did it grew stronger, along with the complete mess of emotions in me. Finally, my body couldn't contain it all anymore.
''What are we doing, Elijah?'' I asked, exasperated. ''We're tiptoeing. I can't live like that. I get enough of it in this crazy war I'm smack down in the middle of. So if I have to be the first one to say it, fine – I care about you.''
''I don't want you to disappear,'' I went on. ''I can't help it, okay? Maybe it would be easier if I could, if I could just ignore this and everything, but I can't. I think you care about me too, but if you want to leave then just go. It'll hurt, but I'll live. I can't help but live, no matter what. And I can't help that I care about you.''
I was breathing fast when I finally stopped. I had to get that out, there was no point in keeping it in. No point. Whatever happened, at least I had told him straight out.
Elijah was staring at me, and this time I stared back, not faltering. He took two steps towards me and grabbed my hand.
I looked at him in confusion, and tried ignoring the warmth of his hand around mine. ''What are you doing?''
''Use your powers. Read me.'' His voice was determined.
''No,'' I replied weakly, but didn't try to free my hand.
''Yes,'' he said.
Maybe it was the rush from my confession, or the look in his eyes - but I took a deep breath and silently agreed.
I glanced at his face and met his eyes for a brief second, before I closed mine, and focused. At first, I couldn't feel much at all. The overall impression was that his inside reflected his outside, it was sealed.
''You're not opening up to me,'' I mumbled and furrowed my brow in concentration. I heard him exhale.
It was strange. The feeling was very difficult to both pinpoint and describe... but it was light. There was a restlessness in his heart, that kept on bubbling up to the surface, but was somehow kept at bay and almost vanished. I felt calm. As if the world was as it should be. Like I didn't have to run anymore, like... like all I needed was right in front of me. It went deep. I felt at ease and almost... almost like I was a better person. Like I had a reason to be a better person.
But there was also fear. Alongside every warm strand, there was a cold line of fear. Fear of loss. Fear of hurt. Fear of death.
I let my hand fall back to my side, and stared at him with wide open eyes. All of a sudden, I felt really small. I had never read anyone that thoroughly before. Never.
His eyes were dark, but honest. I didn't know what to do with myself. His feelings, fresh in my memory, were mixed up with mine, still; and they were taking over all my senses. I couldn't focus. I couldn't tell us apart.
Somehow we ended up closer, with out foreheads resting against each other. He smelled like rain.
I wasn't sure who moved first, or if we did it simultaneously, but it didn't matter. Right then, nothing mattered but him and me.
Oh dear, oh dear. I'm so nervous! Gah. Let me know what you think :D