Chapter Forty-Nine: Leaving Storybrooke
Emma was seeing Archie twice a week. Every Monday and Friday at eight. She started to open up more to him. To tell him about her past, her insecurities, her traumas. It wasn't easy and most of the time, Emma felt like a part of her pride was getting injured just by mentioning a sore point. But Archie was great, a good professional. He gave her time, pushed her when necessary, and backed off when Emma felt trapped. It was hard at first. There were nights when she drove back home in tears, her face all puffed and wet. Others she drove to the bay, to just look out the sea in an attempt to clear her head from the past demons. Sometimes it worked. Most of the nights, it didn't. And other nights, like tonight, she felt lighter. Like a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Like she could finally breathe again. Emma liked those nights. She wished every night could be like that.
It was Friday night and Emma had just left Archie's office. She was feeling so good tonight that it didn't even bother the text she got from Elsa asking Emma to stop by the supermarket and pick up a few things they were missing from home. It was Elsa's time to do groceries, and Emma texted her back saying so with an annoyance she wasn't really feeling. She smiled when her friend texted her back apologizing with a bunch of upside-down emojis. She shook her head and turned on the engine. Tonight, was definitely a good night.
Emma parked the car across the street from the supermarket. She walked there and picked up a shopping basket at the entrance. They didn't need much, just a few basics. Emma took her phone from her pocket and looked at the list. They needed eggs, milk, cheese, bread, minced meat, pasta, tomato sauce, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and last but not least chocolate! Elsa's PMS was terrible this month, the poor girl. And the poor her. Emma didn't dare to enter the loft without chocolate anymore. She liked her head above her neck, thank you very much!
Emma found walked through the corridors picking up the items from the list. She knew where everything was already, but she decided to walk every aisle in case she saw something she knew they need but wasn't on the list. That was a little habit she had picked up from Regina. Emma smiled when she thought of that. Of her.
Emma entered the liquor's aisle, but she was going to walk through it really quick. She hadn't touched a single drop of alcohol since her accident and she wanted to keep it that way. Not that she had a drinking problem, because she didn't. But she did have the tendency to drown her sorrows in alcohol and then do something stupid because she wasn't on her right mind and Emma was done using alcohol as a crutch to justify her mistakes. As Emma walked came closer to the end, she saw a familiar brunette figure looking at the selection of wines. Emma smiled to herself and felt her heart raced inside her chest. Regina! Was it possible that she looked even more beautiful than the last time they saw each other? Emma hurried her pace to get to the end of the aisle.
"Hey," Emma greeted when she stood next to Regina.
"Emma," Regina said surprised "What are you doing here?"
"Groceries shop," Emma said lifting her basket.
"Oh, right,"
Emma sensed that Regina was a little nervous. Her voice was unsure and the wide eyes didn't help with the feeling. Was it her? Was she making Regina uncomfortable?
"So, how are you?" Emma asked gently.
"Good, good" Regina said quickly.
"I just finished a session with Archie"
"Oh! And how is that going?" Regina asked genuinely.
"Pretty good. Some days are better than others" Emma smiled weakly "Today was a good day, though"
"I'm glad to hear it, Emma"
"So, I was wondering if…"
"Honey, this was the only parmesan I could find…. Oh, I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?"
Emma looked eyes widened at the woman beside Regina. It was her, the blonde woman she was dating now. Emma swallowed dry and forced herself not to cry as she felt her eyes fill with tears and her heart sink down her stomach.
"Not at all," Emma managed to say "I am so sorry to bother you, Regina"
"Emma, wait!"
Regina said behind her, but Emma couldn't stand to look back at her anymore. She was on the verge of falling apart, and she wasn't going to that in front of Regina. It wasn't fair for neither one of them. Emma hurried to the cashier and paid for the groceries and then ran out of there with the bag in hand. She entered the car and threw the bag on the passenger seat while the tears ran freely down her face. She held the steering wheel with force while taking big breaths in order to control herself. It took Emma several minutes to regain control of her breath again and she only maneuvered the car away from the supermarket when she looked in the direction of the glass door and saw Regina looking back at her. There were a lot of things Emma could handle in life, but Regina's pitiful eyes weren't one of them.
She parked the bug in front of her building and took the bags from the passenger seat. Her eyes were all red and puff and Emma felt like going under the covers just so she could cry some more. She hurried up the stairs and opened the door, dropping the bag on the counter.
"Emma, is that you?" Elsa shouted from somewhere in the loft.
"Yep!" Emma said putting everything in their right place.
"Hey, did you remember to…." Elsa started to say but then stopped when she saw Emma "What happened?"
"It was nothing," Emma said back.
"Did you have a rough session with Archie?" Elsa asked standing right behind Emma now and patting her shoulder "You should have told me"
"It wasn't Archie," Emma said moving away from Elsa.
"Then what was it?" Elsa asked with a frown.
"I saw Regina," Emma said and cleared a falling tear with her hand "And the new woman"
"Oh, Emma!"
"I can't do this, Els" Emma cried again "I can't watch her making a life with someone else. It's too much"
"Ems," Ela said wrapping her arms around Emma's body.
"I want her to be happy, I really do," Emma sobbed "But I can't handle seeing her with someone else. I'm not strong enough for that"
"It will pass, Emma,"
"I don't want it to pass," Emma said pulling away from Elsa's embrace "I want her!"
"But that's not your choice, Emma,"
"I know," Emma said and crashed down on the couch "I know"
"I'm sorry"
"Me too," Emma nodded "I'm going up to my room now"
"Okay" Elsa smiled sadly at her.
Emma was a mess the next day. She tried to sleep but nightmares of Regina and the blonde woman kept invading her thoughts. She gave up at three in the morning and turned on her computer to kills the time. She wanted to watch a movie, but she couldn't focus on that either and after twenty minutes, she gave up. At four in the morning, Emma was looking for apartments in another city. It was just a stupid thing she did when she was younger and about to be shipped off to another foster home. She would always take the map and close her eyes and point somewhere on the map. Whenever her finger land, Emma would pretend she was going to move to that city where she would finally have a good life. It never happened! At least not until she was adopted by Ingrid, and curious enough, that was the only time she didn't play her childish game. Emma had opened the map on her laptop, closed her eyes, and pointed to the screen. Her finger had landed in Tallahassee, and she spent the rest of the late hours looking for affordable places in town.
And now she was at sat on her chair, behind her desk feeling like crap. Emma read the same sentence on the file she was working on for the fifteenth time now, and she still had no idea what the hell was that case all about. She sighed and threw the file on top of her desk and then leaned back on the chair closing her eyes.
"Hey, Emma," David knocked on the door "Are You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," Emma smiled politely at him "What's up?"
"Nothing I just wanted to let you know I'm out to do my rounds"
"Okay," Emma said "I hope it's better than this damn file"
"Yeah, I've been watching you look at this file for the past thirty minutes" David laughed "It's either that good or that boring"
"You've been watching me? That's creepy" Emma joked.
"Yeah, yeah," David laughed "Oh, damn it, I almost forgot! Someone called you yesterday"
"Who?"
"Hold on, it's on my desk"
Emma looked puzzled at David and waited for him to return. Who could possibly have called her in Storybrooke that's David didn't already know? David came back and gave Emma a little yellow post-it note, with a name and a phone number written on it.
"He said his name was Neal, and that he was an old friend of yours," David said.
Emma stared at the paper in disbelief. Neal Cassidy, her old friend from the Boston Police Department. She hasn't talked to Neal in ages, not after she left Boston. She hasn't talked to anyone from her past since she arrived in Storybrooke.
"Emma, is everything okay?"
David's voice pulled Emma out of her train of thoughts. She shook her head and smiled at him. The frown on his face as he looked at her held a mix of curiosity and concern and Emma was torn between been annoying or finding it adorable.
"Everything is fine, David," Emma said "You should go out there on your rounds"
"Okay," David said and smiled at her "I'll see you later, Sheriff"
"I'll be here, reading this file," Emma said and held the file up.
David laughed and left her office. Emma bit her lower lip and stared at the paper again. That was definitely unexpected! Emma debated about whether she should call him or not, but curiosity got the best of her and Emma picked up the phone and dialed his number. The phone rang once, twice, and then…
"Hello?"
"Hi, is this Neal Cassidy?" Emma asked.
"Yes, who is this?"
"Hey, Neal, It's Emma," Emma said "Emma Swan"
"Swan!" His voice sounded excited over the phone "Long time, no see"
"Yeah," Emma laughed "How did you found me?"
"I'm working with an old friend of yours," Neal said "Detective Graham"
"Oh, really?" Emma asked surprised.
"Yeah, he told me you got his old job as Sheriff in Storybrooke," Neal said.
"I sure did," Emma said back with a smile.
"Guess what, Swan?" Neal asked.
"What?"
"I just made Detective"
"Wow, Neal, that's great," Emma said "I'm happy for you"
"Thanks, Swan,"
"So, why did you call me?" Emma asked, "Did you just wanted to brag about your promotion?"
"Oh, definitely" Neal laughed "But I'm calling you to offer you a job"
"I already have a job," Emma said leaning on her chair.
"A more exciting job," Neal said, "Graham told me there how quite everything in Storybrooke is and honestly, I feel sorry for you"
"Why? I love here" Emma said "This is my home"
"Well, I got an opening in my team, and I thought of you"
"Thanks, Neal, but there is no way in hell I'm moving back to Boston"
"It's in California," Neal said excitedly.
"Oh! How did a loser like you get that?" Emma joked.
"I have no idea, Swan," Neal laughed "Hey, why don't you think about it? I could really use someone like you here"
"Thanks," Emma said "I'll think about it"
"Okay, I gotta run now," Neal said "It was great talking to you again, Swan"
"Yeah, you too. Bye Neal"
Emma turned off the phone and frowned. What were the odds of someone from her past calling her about a job when she had just spent the night up looking for apartments in another city? Emma shook her head and pick up the file from her desk again. It was one thing to take a look around, but actually, do it? Nah! She liked Storybrooke. This was her home.
Emma woke up early the next day feeling wired. She didn't sleep very well the night before again, but curious enough, she didn't feel tired at all. She changed into hoods and sweatpants deciding to go take a run out on the beach. The wind was cold, so cold and the mix of that with the sand felt like tiny little needles were piercing her face from time to time. Everything was so gray out there, the sky, the fog, and even the water seemed to have given the usual green/blue color and that made Emma think about sunny California and running on the beach with the sun warmth touching her face.
She didn't lie to Neal when she said Storybrooke was her home. It was. It is. She loved it here, Storybrooke had welcomed her like she had lived there her whole life. But Emma had to admit that for the past few, she had flirted with the idea of leaving the town, more than just one time. The thought had crossed her mind before, longer before Neal's offer. She had been thinking about that ever since the whole thing with Ruby, the only difference was that, in her deepest dreams, Regina never found out about what happened between them that day at the station and the two of them would just move away somewhere where Emma could have a fresh start.
Could she do that? Could she just pack her stuff and move to another city again? Start over? Did she want to do that? That was kind of a tricky question, she guessed. On one hand, Emma desperately wanted a fresh start away from all the mess she made. On the other, she desperately wanted to fix what she had broken. She needed the sessions with Archie, she knew that now. It was hard to get in touch with her deepest feelings but doing things unconsciously and then blamed it on her past wasn't right either. Emma wanted to be a better person, she wanted to get fix, as she would joke to herself.
Emma ran the whole beach and then part of the woods before heading back to the loft. She arrived home to the smell of fresh coffee Elsa had just made. It reminded Emma of the mornings when she had a night shift, the days she would go back home to Regina and find her in the kitchen making breakfast for the both of them, so they could eat together before she left for work and Emma to bed. It's always the little things that make you realized the amazing person you had by your side. It's always the little things that you miss the most.
"So, how did you feel when you saw Regina with this other person?"
Emma had just told Archie about the encounter she had with Regina the other day at the supermarket. He was sitting on the armchair, crossed-leg with a notepad supported on top of his knee. Archie looked at Emma with an eager expression on his face waiting for her to answer. His glasses slipped down his nose and he used his index finger to push it up again.
"I think I had a bit of a panic attack" Emma nodded.
"I'm sorry to hear that, Emma," Archie said "May I ask you why do you think that happened?"
"Because she was with another person," Emma said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Yes, but…Was it just the fact of seen her with another person or…"
"I don't like the idea of Regina with someone else," Emma said "I had trouble imagining that when we were together and now that I'm actually seeing it I'm terrified"
"Well, you two are not together anymore, she has all the right to"
"I know, Archie" Emma sighed "But I don't know if I can…do this"
"Do what?"
"I want her to be happy," Emma said "I really, really do, but…"
"Not with someone else?" Archie finished for her.
"That's selfish, isn't it?" Emma cleared a falling tear.
"Yes!" Archie said sympathetically "People are not possessions"
"I know that"
"But your feelings are valid too, Emma," Archie said "After all, you two didn't break up because you fell out of love"
"Nope! Just good old me screwing everything up" Emma said sarcastically "I should know it was too good to be true"
"Don't say that, Emma"
"Why not?" Emma rose from the couch and walked from one side to the other "It's the story of my life"
"We all have baggage," Archie said.
"Not, Regina," Emma said back "She's fucking perfect"
"Nobody's perfect, Emma"
"Right!" Emma said sitting on the couch again.
"I can understand how hard it must be for you to see her with someone else," Archie said "But your life can revolve around Regina and your relationship with her"
"I didn't say that Archie," Emma said defensively.
"But that's exactly what you did,"
"What the hell does that got to do with Regina and this new woman?" Emma asked.
"It has to do with you and how you molded your life around her"
"Isn't that what people do when they are together?"
"Not in the level you did"
"I'm not sure I understand what do you mean"
"Regina can't be the only positive or negative aspect of your life," Archie said "She can be part of your happiness, but not the only reason for it"
"I don't know if I can be happy without her" Emma frowned.
"Of course you can, Emma"
"Hey, I'm off to do my rounds," Emma said looking at David sat behind his desk reading a file.
"Wanna switch? This thing is awful" David said waving the report in his hand.
"No, thanks," Emma laughed "I run away from those"
"You have to signed anyway," David said pointing at her.
"But I don't have to read it," Emma winked at him.
Emma walked to the back of the Sheriff's department building to pick up the cruiser from the garage. She hopped in and maneuvered the car out of the garage and onto the street. She drove around Storybrooke tapping her fingers on the steering wheel while murmuring along with the song. She drove slow always looking from one side to the other, making sure everything was in peace. She took a turn left and entered Regina's street, and Emma felt her whole body stiffened as the white mansion came into view.
She saw from far away two figures standing in front of the mansion, that she knew to be Regina and the other woman even from such a long distance. Emma braked the car in the middle of the street and watched them. They hugged each other and Regina gave her a smile that not long ago was reserved for Emma and Emma only. If her heart could literally break, this would be the moment Emma would hear it shattering. Regina kissed her on the cheek and then squeezes her upper arm before the woman got inside her car and drive away. Regina turned around and entered the mansion unaware of Emma's presence.
Emma gripped the steering wheel and closed her eyes. Tears escaped them even though they were still closed and Emma wondered if that feeling was ever going to go away. A car honked behind her and Emma was brought back to reality. She turned the key bringing the cruiser back to life and kept doing her rounds.
She parked the car back in the garage when the rounds were done. She had a lot to think about while driving around Storybrooke and Emma made a decision that would most likely change her life forever. She meant when she said she wanted Regina to be happy. She did. She does. But that didn't mean she had to sit around and watch the love of her life be happy with someone else. Emma fished her cellphone out of her jacket pocket and dial the number written on a piece of yellow post-it note.
"Hello?" The voice said on the other side of the line.
"I'll take it," Emma said "I'll take the job in California"
Elsa was looking perplexed at Emma from across the counter and Emma thought the look was almost comical. She opened and closed her mouth several times looking at Emma as if she had grown a pumpkin for a head.
"Please tell me you are joking?" Elsa asked looking at Emma.
"Nope!" Emma said "I called Neal and he said the job is mine if I want to"
"You are moving to California?"
"Well, I mean, I'm driving there to check out the job and if everything is as good as Neal made it sound yeah, I am"
"But Storybrooke is your home" Emma pouted.
"I need to go, Els" Emma bit her lower lip "I don't think I can stay here anymore"
"You are leaving because of Regina?" Elsa asked.
"Yes and no," Emma sighed "I've made too much of a mess, Els. I'm not sure I can deal with the results of that mess"
"What about your sessions with Archie?" Elsa asked "I thought they were doing you good"
"They are," Emma nodded "And I have every intention of keeping it. Archie is going to recommend me to one of his colleagues there and in the meantime, he said we could skype"
"You are leaving, aren't you?" Emma asked softly.
"I am!"
Elsa rose from her seat and walked behind the counter pulling Emma inside her arms. They hugged Emma tightly and said in a choked voice:
"I'm going to miss you"
"Me too," Emma said hugging Elsa back and let a tear fall down her eyes.
Emma was sitting on her bench at night listening to the soothing sound of the waves crashing. She was going to miss this spot. It had been her secret place for years, and then it had become hers and Regina's spot. Here was where she asked Regina to be her girlfriend a year ago. Here was where she heard the happiest "yes" of her life.
She was going to drive to California the next morning. She took a few days off work but hadn't told anyone, apart from Elsa, just yet the reason behind her mini trip. Emma knew she was going to take the job, as much as she felt at home here in Storybrooke, as much as she loved this place, she couldn't stay anymore. Emma closed her eyes and lost herself in the sound of the waves and hoped she could find a place like this in California.
"You and your spot"
Emma heard Regina's voice and her heart immediately raced inside her chest. She opened her eyes and saw her standing right in front of her and for a moment, Emma felt like all the air was pulled out of her lungs.
"Hi," Emma said after a long time.
"Hi," Regina said back "Do you mind if I seat?"
"Oh, ah, no" Emma shook her head.
"What are you doing out here?" Regina asked "It's late"
"Yeah, I…I couldn't sleep" Emma laughed nervously.
"Me neither," Regina said back "Wasn't expecting to see you here"
"Well, it's my spot" Emma laughed.
"I thought it was ours" Regina laughed but quickly amended "Sorry, I didn't mean…"
"It's okay" Emma nodded "I get it"
"How are you?" Regina asked looking at her.
"I'm okay. How are you?"
"I've been better," Regina asked looking out the sea.
"I'm glad we ran into each other, there is…There is something I need to tell you," Emma said.
"What it is?"
"I've been offered a job in California" Emma nodded "And I'm going to take it"
"What?" Regina asked surprised.
"I can't stay here anymore, Regina," Emma said "Not after what I did to you, not…"
"You are running away," Regina said angrily and shook her head "That's so typical of you"
"Regina," Emma breathed out "I can't keep watching you going out with your new girlfriend, it's too much for me"
"So, you decided it's better to run away instead of dealing with the mess you made?"
"I don't know how to deal with the way things are right now" Emma cried "You'll be better off without me anyway"
"Why does this have to be about me?" Regina rose from the bench "I'm not the one who fucked everything up, you are"
"I know that" Emma shouted "I know. And I will never forgive myself for I did to you, what I did to us! I love you, Regina. I love you in a way I have never loved anyone before. If I could fix this, I would, if you…if you would just tell me what to do, just tell me what can I do, and I'll do it. I'll do anything you ask me too"
"You are not going to fix anything if you keep running away from your problems" Regina shouted "I thought you were getting better, I thought…never mind"
"I'm trying," Emma said sincerely "I really am. I'm seeing Archie and his been helping me to deal with a lot of stuff from my past"
"And I guess that's over now, isn't it?"
"No, it isn't. I'm going to keep therapy, he said he will recommend me to one of his colleagues" Emma bit her lower lip "I thought you would be happy about this"
"Why?" Regina asked angrily "Why on earth do you think I would be happy to hear you are leaving town because of me?"
"You moved here to have a fresh start," Emma said brushing the tears with her hands "I still want you to have that"
"I had that with you" Regina cried.
"I'm sorry" Emma cried more "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry"
"I don't want you to go, Emma" Regina nodded "But I can't be the only reason why you stay. I hope you are happy there"
Regina turned around and started to walk away. Emma heard the clicking sounds of Regina's heels against the wood, and she was brought back to the night when Regina found out about what happened with Ruby. Emma buried her face between her hands, not been able to handle to watch Regina go again.
"I broke up with Mal," Regina's voice said from far away "I'm not saying that to make you stay, we just…it didn't work out"
Emma looked behind her and saw Regina walking away, the clicking sound of her heels against the wood floor fainted as her figure got distant. Emma closed her eyes and listened to the sound of the waves crashing the rocks underneath the bridge. When she opened them again, the moon was reflecting on the water illuminating a white patch from the infinite of the ocean all the way where Emma was sitting. Emma closed her eyes again and smiled when a familiar sentiment washed over her. She was home.