He couldn't stop seeing her face when she found out about his betrayal. Her thin lips and wide eyes that glassed over with emotion. Then, her anger outside the interrogation room. He had never seen her so angry. I hurt her badly. I thought we could work it out when I came over but it's too soon. She is still angry. I wanted to hold her, comfort her and tell her I was sorry but she didn't want me to. I know that now. Still being apart from her is the worst feeling.
She was right to call me out on everything, I know this but I just wanted her to understand where I was coming from. I wish that I could take all the pain between us away. But, if I were honest, I would make the same choice not because I didn't love her; I loved her very much but because I needed something else to keep me from straying to depressive tendencies. That was something totally unfair to ask of her to deal with.
I do wish I could take back her pain. I never meant to hurt her. She wouldn't understand. She had people who undeniably loved her and she loved them. She didn't have to live with the challenges I had to. My mother was unpredictable to say the least. My brother left any chance he got. He was close to my dad, well I guess my step dad, and dad never gave him any reprieve. Frank had to be perfect yet William's addictive traits passed on to him and he never stood a chance. Frank was the only ally I had in my family. But, I lost him to drugs. If I'm being honest, I only felt like I had a purpose when I was in the army. Meeting Dec set me on the trajectory of discovering a path that I could be okay and actually find something i was good at. I felt guilty joining the army and leaving Ma but I needed to find something outside of my duty to her. But, I never thought I'd find a partner that not only accepted me but was my complimentary in every way. It was hard not to fall for her. We just worked well together. Things will be back to normal, she'll see, once we're working cases again.
Goren laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. He wished he was with her now. There was nothing like the contentment of having her in his arms. She made him feel like he was worth loving even though everything in his heart told him to push everyone away before he had the chance to hurt them. He felt like a plague, everything he loved was gone and it was his fault.
He dug into his pocket removing his wallet. His fingers brushed over a creased picture he kept of them in his wallet. It was a polaroid that he took during a case. He took it for the pretense of evidence in the background but he kept it because she was in it. He had it from early in their partnership. That should have been his first clue that he really cared for her. He was sure she knew about it, that he kept it that is. She probably did a canvas of everything I owned the first time she slept over my place. Old habits die hard and that desire of wanting to know...well it's the whole reason they did the work they did.
She never mentioned it. She didn't need to.
He tossed and turned for a while before deep exhaustion finally overtook him. He had been running himself ragged for some time now. Still, he woke at 5 am out of habit with the first thought on his mind: Alex. He dialed her number, with no real plan in mind. He just wanted to hear her voice. When the answering machine clicked on he listened and then clicked end.