DISCLAIMER: I own nothing from the Naruto universe but I do have an imagination of my own.

Thinking

Emphasis

Biju, etc. speaking

Biju, etc. thinking

Kakashi used to like Gaara.

It had taken a few years following the time the formerly insane redhead tried to demolish his village in Bijuu form for Kakashi to come around, but he had eventually come around! Now, though? Oh, no no no. This is not going to work...

He continued to read the Sand's latest trade alliance proposition between Konoha and Suna, which had only been delivered an hour before directly by the Kazekage himself. He had a strong feeling that the Kazekage was fucking with him because no one in his right mind would agree to the things that their longtime ally was requesting. From what Kakashi had already read, in addition to again asking for Naruto's hand in marriage, Gaara or his counsel was proposing that Suna and Konoha share missions equally and that Konoha pay a dowry for Temari-hime's relocation to the Leaf. Continuing the impossible deal, Temari would not be allowed to join the shinobi ranks in Konoha. Kakashi wondered why Gaara would want to piss off his tempestuous sister by ending her inspiring kunoichi career.

He turned another page of the treaty and looked up at the Kazekage with a glare. He couldn't help the snarl that escaped him, as he read that he not only wished for Shikamaru to be assigned to the Kazekage whenever he was visiting with his family in the Sand, but was also requesting Sakura and Lee to transfer to his village. Naruto and Sakura were his family, damn it! What the hell are you thinking?

The Kazekage seriously had to be putting him on! Sitting there with his smug, browless, sand-armored face: the little weirdo. Had he not seen the Kazekage's lips twitch before Kakashi looked back down at the treaty, he probably would've attacked him at seeing the next page's proposal. "This I can agree to. I'll have Gai begin to pack up and you can have him right now." He was lying, of course, but now he was sure that the Kazekage was, too. Surely.

"Kakashi!" Iruka leaped through the window, then began apologizing all over himself. The school teacher looked panicked, and having jumped into the Hokage Tower's main office windows when something important was going on wasn't helping his obvious anxiety.

"Iruka-kun, it's a bit unlike you to come in unannounced. I do have doors for a reason," Kakashi answered while slumping back in his chair. Kakashi figured that he should at least get a smidge of enjoyment out of the morning, which is why he brought up using a door. No one avoided doors and used windows more than he and Naruto, and no one bitched about it more than Iruka.

Iruka looked like he was going to blow a gasket at that comment - the pinkish hue on his cheeks from interrupting what looked like an essential meeting had turned into a full-out reddish-purple face with Kakashi's remark. The irritated mother-hen forced a pleasant smile on his face, making the man look a little feral. "Again, please excuse my actions, Hokage-sama, Kazekage-sama, honored guests. It's good to see you again, Gaara-sama."

"The pleasure is mine, Iruka-san," Gaara responded genuinely. "I don't suppose you've seen Naruto?"

A whine escaped Iruka's mouth. The man looked like he was in pain, making the others genuinely feel concerned over his state of mind. "I'm actually looking for her myself, Kazekage-sama."

Kakashi wanted to smack his head into his desk. Leave it to Iruka, someone that actually KNOWS Naruto extremely well and would be able to verify her true and present gender, to open his big mouth to the Sand Brat.

"Ah. So Naruto's female again: that's lovely. I'm looking forward to seeing her." Gaara shot an amused look at the Hokage. "I'd heard of the rumors, of course, but this is excellent news, is it not, Hokage-sama?" He chuckled when the Hokage growled at him to go fuck himself. The sad silver-haired leader looked like he was pouting.

"Whaddya want Iruka?" Kakashi asked, refusing to answer the Kazekage's question.

"We - What happened to your face?" Iruka asked, genuinely worried about Kakashi's black eye, the only thing aside from his ear and hair that was visible on the man's head. Actually, Kakashi's lips looked swollen underneath his mask, now that he took a good look at the man. Seeing Kakashi glare at him, he got to the more important matter at hand. "I - uh, have had something of Naruto's for some time now, and I can't seem to find it," Iruka blushed heavily while talking fast. "If he'd grabbed it himself - er, herself: that's still weird to say no matter what… ANWAY, normally Naruto would've changed and set all my traps against me had he entered without me there. Have you seen her?"

"No," Kakashi grunted. His chest was aching from being away from her, especially when he considered the condition she's in now.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'NO?' Ano gomennasai, minna," Iruka chuckled nervously.

Kakashi's ANBU commander handed him a note, and Kakashi quickly responded. "Well turn it on!"

A television was revealed behind the honey-stained wooden cabinetry behind the Hokage's desk. Once on, Iruka was the one to squeak at seeing some ditzy blue-haired civilian from Cloud interviewing a panel. Bee, Naruto, and Tsunade looked grim as the program appeared to be coming back from commercials. Gaara sat up in his seat, gazing fondly at his first friend. Kakashi felt like smacking him.

"Welcome back! Once again, I'm joined by Lord Bee, Lady Uzumaki, and Lady Senju, three of the great heroes of the Fourth Shinobi War." Naruto frowned, a cute look on her pouting face, as she crossed her arms slowly under her breasts and kicked up a leg to cross the other. She slumped in her seat as Tsunade looked at her posture with annoyance and smacked her on the back of the head.

"OUCH! Damn it, Baa-chan!"

"Don't call me that you brat!"

"Yo, yo, yore: I don't wanna talk about war anymore. We've said enough, ne? As promised, it's now time to PLAY!" Bee began rapping - well, sort of - while Naruto did her horrible version of beatboxing; the two not synching at all made it even more painful. Tsunade kept her composure for over a minute before screaming at both of them and forcing Naruto to sit on the other side of her so that she was in the middle. Bee took that moment to openly leer down Tsunade's blouse, which Naruto seemed to find amusing.

Kakashi was reeling. He missed her so much and she seemed to be doing so well without him!

"That was lovely, Lord Bee, Lady Naru! Remember everyone, Lord Bee's newest album will hit the stores at the end of the month!" A smattering of applause was heard from a small audience, along with a couple of wolf-whistles at the news.

"That has to be Lady Karui and Lord Omoi," Gaara mumbled. As odd as people in the Leaf were, those in the Cloud reveled in music he didn't quite understand and could be fanatical in their devotion to it. His own people were so much more reserved.

"Do you have upcoming plans, Lady Naru?" the show's host asked.

"Weeeell," Naru drawled, a smile spreading across her entire face. "There is ONE thing!"

Kakashi got excited, but the feeling immediately turned to worry. Surely his love wouldn't announce her pregnancy on a television show, especially when he was so far from her and couldn't protect her and their pups… Watching Naruto's expression change, Kakashi was reminded of a certain white-haired Sannin.

"Tell us, tell us," the silly host implored.

A book appeared in Naruto's hand as if by magic. "How can I refuse such a lovely lady?" she began while wiggling her golden blonde eyebrows at the host suggestively. Tsunade looked horrified. "A tale of love and loss, desires unfulfilled but always building, passion and intrigue... Today I give you my upcoming novel, Icha-Icha: Trans-Elemental Ride!

Several things happened all at once. Iruka moaned the words "oh thank Kami," while Kankuro howled with excitement. Gaara's hand covered his mouth and even through the sand that covered his face one could see that his coloring had paled. On the screen, Tsunade was groaning to herself, lamenting ever allowing Jiraiya to take Naruto out of the village, while Bee looked like he had pissed himself in sunny excitement. Naruto was still talking.

Kakashi shrunk down more into his seat. Had this been any other time, he would have been THRILLED at the idea of a new Icha-Icha novel to add to his multiple complete collections, but he could only feel despair. There sat his beautiful fiance looking absolutely ravishing - all legs, breasts, and beautiful, exotic features - talking about porn without him. Apparently, the book was about the Trans community, but she guaranteed that "there will be something for everyone no matter your preferences - oh, and lots of *BEEP*-ing, too, naturally! Oh, and it's not for children." She held up the back of the book to show its signature general prohibition sign denoting that it was not for those under 18 before Tsunade grabbed it away from her and began cuffing Naru over the head with it.

"I still want to meet with her, Kakashi," Gaara said before clearing his throat. He reached into his gourd and pulled out a few stapled pieces of paper. "And here's the actual trade proposal."

Well at least that's something, Kakashi thought. He looked back at the television to see Bee beginning to review his favorite past Icha-Icha scenes, much of his rhetoric being beeped out, and noticed that Naruto's expression had changed and that she now looked very pale - almost a little green. She took a swatch out of the pocket of her shorts and inhaled from it deeply. Tsunade looked at her with pity and put her arm around the younger blonde.

"What is that?" Gaara asked reasonably. A corner of the dark blue swatch came into view as Naruto took an obvious deep smell of it. "Is - is that one of your masks?!"

Iruka came forward, arms crossed and looking at his Hokage as if he were an errant schoolboy. "What's this about, Hatake?"

"Ne, we're all friends here right?!" Genma asked jovially, albeit a bit put on. He placed a transfer request form on Kakashi's desk. "The Hokage here completely ignored our little Naru-hime so she took off! And right after knocking her up. What a pity!"

Kakashi got his second beating in as many days.